Family Guy (1998–…): Season 3, Episode 7 - Lethal Weapons - full transcript

"It seems today that all you see

"Is violence in movies and sex on TV

"But where are those
good old-fashioned values

"On which we used to rely?

"Lucky there's a family guy

"Lucky there's a man who positively
can do all the things that make us

"Laugh and cry

"He's a family guy

Whoo-hoo, baby! 12 in a row!

You must have had a great body
before it went all fun-house mirror.

- I can't believe how terrific you look.
- I've been taking tae-jitsu classes.



- You should come with me sometime.
- I'd love to.

- Oh! The baby's kicking. Wanna feel?
- Sure.

- You are freakin' dead, kid.
- Peter!

- Oh, I love this time of year.
- Me, too.

The tourists are gone and
we have the town to ourselves

before those idiots from New York show up
to watch the leaves change and take over.

Leafers!

Holy crap. We gotta get outta here.

- What about the boat?
- Leave it!

- Hurry, Peter. They're almost here.
- We're too late.

Yo, check out those colours. Yellow like
a taxi, orange like the ball at the Knicks game,

and red like the sauce
on my mamma mia's gugotz.

Yeah, and brown, like the guys
I don't pick up in my cab.

- Bea-utiful!
- Aagh!



Good evening. Tonight's top story:

Quahog is infested with loud, hairy
creatures, also known as New Yorkers.

They migrate north
every autumn to see the foliage.

I think I speak for all of us when I say

New Yorkers can fornicate
themselves with an iron stick.

- We're gonna be late for church.
- Move it! Damn leafers.

Christ, quit it! Mom,
Chris put his foot on my side again.

- I can't help it. I have long dancer's legs.
- Move it.

Stop whining. Stay on your side.
Lois, get off your ass and do some parenting.

If you don't stop, we won't
go to McDonald's after church.

- Mom!
- Don't worry. We're goin'.

- But you don't get the Super Size.
- Oh!

- OK, you can Super Size, but no apple pie.
- Come on.

OK, but you can't blow on it.

Peter, don't contradict me in front of the kids.

Brothers and sisters fightin' is as natural as
a white man's dialogue in a Spike Lee movie.

Wassup? Can I get two slices of pepperoni?

- Who are all these people?
- Damn New Yorkers.

They took all the good seats.

Aren't you precious!

Some of my novelty items
were provided by Jack's Joke Shop.

If it ain't funny, it ain't worth Jack.

I'd like to welcome
all our out-of-town parishioners.

My cousin, Father Sapienza,
is in from New York to see the leaves.

I'd like to invite him
to do the opening prayer.

Yo, God is good, huh?
And he expects us to be good.

And if you're not, he's gonna come down
and bust your freakin' skull. Amen.

Who do you think you're talking to?
God ain't tougher than me.

You can't talk to the father like that,
you stupid gavone.

I oughta come and break your freakin' arm!

Wanna go, tough guy?
I'll snap you in half like an almond biscotti

from Valero's on 51st Street, best in the city.

Fellas, this is God's house.
And the Patriots kick off in 45 minutes.

- Can we move this along?
- Patriots suck.

Blasphemy!

It burns!

Holy water? Where's that acid I ordered?

Hey, Guido, watch this.

Whoa! I've got to lay off the coffee.
Ha-cha-cha-cha-cha-cha!

That's Jack's. Exit 14 off 295.

Tae-jitsu is about power -
for your body and your mind.

Don't be afraid to free the beast inside you.

Left kick, right kick, punch combo, stomp.

Beautiful. Again. Left kick...

- You're doing great for your first lesson.
- I'm really cuttin' loose.

Like Julie Andrews in that movie
where she showed her breasts.

Mary, you'll never leave us, will you?

Lovely, but it doesn't quite
answer our question.

Jets rule!

Watch where you're going. Horace, put the
Pats game on the TV and get me a few beers.

Sorry, Peter. Someone stole the remotes.

And the kegs. And I'm not sure,
but I think I've been shot.

Yep.

Hey, pal, watch my seat.
I gotta bleed the lizard.

Public urination is just wrong.
Except during the Million Man March

when protesters burned our Porta-Pottis.

Then I used my stream of justice
to put out the hate.

I don't know, fellas. I think
there's potential in this crowd.

Honey, why don't you turn around
and show me the Lower East Side?

- Sure.
- Transvestite! Back off.

- Wait a sec. Pre-op or post-op?
- Pre-op.

Transvestite! Back off. This place blows.
We gotta send these strap-hangers back.

Don't worry. I got an idea.

An idea so smart, my head would explode if I
even began to know what I was talking about.

Aagh! I am a man-eating tree.

Go back to New York or I will eat you.

Just like I ate insane
New York anchorman Dan Rather. Pah!

And look who I had for dessert.
Asexual former mayor Ed Koch. Pah!

Leave my land or I will smite you
with my powerful limb.

What are you, nuts? Give me that branch.

Get off of me!

Oh, my God! Stop fighting!

- Holy crap!
- Oh, my God!

Mom, you could be a world champion,

and no one could hit you below the belt
cos girls don't have anything down there.

- Can you teach me to kick ass?
- No. I do not condone violence.

I won't be responsible for
bringing fistfighting into our schools.

Gee, can you hear me
all the way back there in the '50s?

- That was lame.
- Poor Peter.

I emasculated him in front of all those people.
I think he's really upset.

Gather round, everybody.
10 bucks is all it takes.

Step right up and fight my wife.

Come one, come all. She floats like a
butterfly and stings like when I pee.

Peter, I am not a sideshow attraction.
At least, not any more.

Me likey bouncy! Me likey bouncy!

I want you to get rid of all of this right now,
cos I am never fighting again, ever!

Come on, Chris. We'll have to go to plan B.

No! Oh, God! Oh, my God!

Help me! Help me!
For God's sake, he's gonna kill me!

Don't worry. It's a trained bear.
He's in no real danger.

He's teaching a class. I can't bother him now.

Sure you can. Hey, Ralph Macchio!
My wife here needs to talk to you.

There you go, honey.

- What is it, Lois?
- I don't think I should do tae-jitsu any more.

- I'm afraid I'm gonna hurt someone.
- But, Lois, you're my star pupil.

- I want you in my advanced class.
- Advanced class? No, no, no.

- I'm trying to quit.
- Well, fine. Quit.

- But get used to people walking all over you.
- Hold on, there.

Nobody walks all over my wife,
cos I won't let 'em.

- Peter...
- Quiet. Men are talking.

She learns things eventually.
It just takes her longer. Come on.

If you hurry, I'll let you try on hats.
I won't let you buy, but you can try 'em on.

I'll do it.

Ow!

- Stewie, you wanna swing?
- Yes, why not? I'll have a go at it.

Perhaps a quick stretch first.

Damn. Must have pulled something
playing hoops last week.

I know you're not puttin' that rock
up from here. You ain't got no J.

- Yo, man, that's trippin'!
- You're the one who's trippin'.

Cry home to your mama. She waitin' for ya.

Now don't make me put
my size 13s up your narrow ass!

I don't sweat you. Bring it on, bitch!
Now how you gonna act?

Sheesh! Bringin' that trash in here.
This is my house.

Excuse me. We were about to use that.

- You snooze, you lose, lady.
- You have two choices.

Either my baby swings from
this jungle gym, or you do.

Ooh, Lois! Someone's wearing
their ovaries on the outside.

- She saw me walking to the swing.
- She saw you. Easy, now.

Nobody walks all over me. Those days
are over. Lois Griffin demands respect.

I smell a messy diaper.
God, why does that turn me on?

- Hold it, Meg. Those two are mine.
- What?

That's Randy, and that's Fred.
Randy is the messy one. Fred's very neat.

When you get 'em together,
hold on to your sides!

Nice to meet you both.

Murderer!

Stop it, both of you. Starting now,
you two are gonna love each other.

Now stay that way.

It's gonna be weird to potty.

Sheesh, Lois, look at the garbage
those damn leafers dumped on our lawn.

New York Post, New York Magazine,
the New York Mets.

Peter, I'm sick and tired of hearing you whine
about the leafers. Take some action.

Free the beast!

That was strangely arousing. Aagh!

Hello? 911? It's Quagmire.
Yeah. It's in a window this time.

- Wow, look at them run.
- Wait a second, Brian. That gives me an idea.

The Drunken Clam? Why couldn't we go
someplace fancy, like The Olive Garden?

The breadsticks!
Me likey breadsticks! Me likey...

- You're a big girl now. Stop it.
- Hold on, Lois.

Excuse me, New Yorker. You're in my seat,
and I had sex with your mother last night.

- Are you crazy?
- What did you say?

About the seat, or about
my ploughing your father's wife?

- What the hell are you doing?
- Excuse me. Is your refrigerator running?

If it is, it probably runs like you -
very homosexually.

- What?!
- Oh, you wanna dance?

Jets suck, Yankees suck, Knicks suck.

Krypton sucks.

That's right. Go back where
you came from, you bastards!

We'll conclude the graduation ceremony
with a demonstration by the black belts.

Let's show 'em what we've learnt.

- Kathy, get in there with Lois.
- I can't. I have cramps.

Why are you putting me up
against the scrubs?

- Be a man and fight me yourself.
- Lois, the sensei is a sacred position.

I could never violate the spiritual bond
of the student-master relationship.

- Then allow me.
- Ooh!

- The bond is broken.
- Then spin the wheel, raggedy man!

Go, Lois! Pummel him
with your powerful fists of female fury.

And then when he's weary,
emasculate him with your incessant nagging.

Women! Yakety-yak, yakety-yak, yak, yak.

You know, huh? Enjoy the fight.

Yah!

Lois, that was amazing. Congratu...

This is mine.
This is where my babies come from.

And now back to the movie of the week.

If this glacier goes slower
than one mile a year, we're all dead!

Tell me something I don't know!
Get out of the way!

Lois, I was watching that.

- What you looking at?
- The underpants. Lose 'em.

Actually, I kinda...
I sorta have a headache, kinda.

- Maybe tomorrow or...
- Take 'em off.

Yeah, OK, honey.

Whoa! What the hell are you doing?
Those are my graham crackers.

Run along, Stewie. Daddy had a rough night.

Why, you tottering, fem-sucked dewberry!

I'm going to go find something
to strike you with. Excuse me.

Good morning.
Peter, you look terrible. What happened?

Last night Lois was... the man!

- Good Lord.
- I just want you to know, Brian, I didn't cry.

It's OK. Shh.

Oh, no! Peter! Stewie, what did you do?

He freed the beast
all over the back of Peter's head.

Oh, my God. This is my fault.

This is my fault!
I brought violence into this house!

- I'm the worst mother in the world!
- Ah-ha! I got it all on tape.

OK, this is me
interviewing Ed Sullivan.

What's new, Ed?

Well, Stewie,
tonight we have a really big show.

OK, and now a word
from our sponsors.

It takes a very steady hand.
Don't touch the sides!

Butterfingers!

I was making radio shows for fun.

Everybody does it.
At least, everybody I know. Shut up!

Stewart, take this mommy doll and daddy
doll and show me how they act together.

Oh. Yes, very well. All right.

"Margaret, after 20 years of marriage, your
curious indiscretions no longer faze me. "

"Really? And I suppose
you think I enjoy hanging onto

those hammocky deposits of
gin sugars you call buttocks?"

- What was that? What did you just write?
- Give me that.

"Insecurity. Gender confusion. "
I'll give you something to write about.

Look at me. I'm insane!
I'm Martin Lawrence on a bender.

Mr and Mrs Griffin, does Stewart
have a history of aggression?

No. Hitting Peter is the first
violent thing he's ever done.

Technically, the first was that time bomb
I left ticking in your uterus before I came out.

Happy 50th birthday, Lois.

Your son is learning
misbehaviour from someone.

I... I know who's responsible
for Stewie's behaviour,

but if I told you,
Lois'd beat the crap out of me.

Now, just a minute! The whole reason
I started fighting is because of you.

I felt weak. You never listen to me.
You undermine me in front of the kids.

And besides, you're not exactly
Father of the Year yourself.

Well, there seems to be a lot
of anger in your household.

You owe it to your son to learn
how to manage these feelings.

Manage what?

I know I went a little overboard
with my tae-jitsu,

but from now on we're not gonna have
any more anger in this house, OK?

Tell Chris to quit drawing
pictures of me with a pig's body.

- Don't censure me!
- No more anger!

OK. The psychologist wants us
to try an exercise called role reversal,

where we pretend to be
the person who makes us angry.

I'll go first.

"Don't listen to your mother, kids.
She's worthless and dumb. "

"Lgnore her and only listen to me - Peter. "

"I'm Lois. I brake for yard sales,
but I don't let Peter buy anything he likes,

like that Narragansett beer sign
where the hot chick has two mugs for jugs. "

It was eight freakin' dollars,
and we have a dozen places to put it!

Me next, me next!

"I'm the dog. I'm well-read
and have a diverse stock portfolio,

but I'm not above eating grass clippings and
regurgitating them on the rug by the door. "

"I'm a pompous antichrist who will probably
drop my plans for world domination

when I grow up and fall in love
with a rough trick named Jim. "

Whoa, Peter, calm down.

I'm sick of Lois's anger-management
techniques. They're not working.

What about writing angry letters
and not sending them?

- I wasn't supposed to send those?
- I got a letter from Dad.

"Dear Meg. For the first four years of your
life, I thought you were a house cat. " Dad!

"Dear Stewie. Get out. " That's nice.

Mine just says "Dear Lois. " And after that
it looks like someone just spit on the paper.

- You got somethin' to say to me?
- Yeah. PS:

Hold on a sec.

Hold on. Relax. Everybody, relax.

I was hoping it wouldn't come to this,

but we need to get our anger under control
before we kill each other.

My psychiatrist gave me
these mood elevators.

I think they could help even us out.

We're not taking pills. It's not natural.

Nor is bleaching the hair
on your upper lip, Martin Mull.

Give us the pills.

- " Ah-um
- " Ba-ba

- " Ah-um
- " Ba-ba

"Ay-oh, Mother Africa

"Ah-um

"Ba-ba

That was fun. What country shall we do next?

Monaco. Wait - that's a principality.

Wanna hear something really funny? Those
pills I gave you were placebos. Sugar pills.

Are you telling me I just sang
Ladysmith Black Mambazo for nothing?

Did it kill you to be
multicultural for a minute?

- I died a little inside, yes. You happy now?
- Don't you use that tone of voice, you...

- What were you gonna say? Fat ass?
- Wide load?

- Dough boy?
- Country virtuoso Roy Clark?

- How about all of the above?
- How's this for a name?

"Pony Express is in. "
"What have you got for me, Joe?"

"Let me see. It's here somewhere. "

"Here we are. A big bag
of liver spots for Lois. "

- You... You just hit me.
- That's right.

- You can't hit me! I'm a girl!
- Sometimes I wonder.

- Kicking, Lois?
- Ha! Hurts, doesn't it?

You tell me.

Go, Dad! Kick her ass!

- Shut up! This is all Dad's fault.
- I don't like to be touched!

Aaagh!

Aaaaagh!

Man, I'm glad we got that out of our systems.

- I wonder what came over us.
- Maybe people are naturally violent.

I don't believe that.
I think it's all the TV we watch.

- There's so much violence.
- Yeah, TV is dangerous.

Why the hell doesn't the government
tell us what we can and can't watch?

Shame on the network
that puts this junk on the air!

Peter, maybe you shouldn't say
anything bad about the network.

What are they gonna do? Cut our budget?
I'm gonna go get a beer.

Visiontext Subtitles: Sally Lewis

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