Family Guy (1998–…): Season 3, Episode 8 - The Kiss Seen Round the World - full transcript

Meg takes an internship to work for Tom with Neil as her partner and kisses him during a life-threading situation that is caught on tape.

# It seems today that all you see

# Is violence in movies
and sex on TV

# But where are those good
old-fashioned values

# On which we used to rely?

# Lucky there's a family guy

# Lucky there's a man
who positively can do

# All the things that make us
laugh and cry

# He's a family guy #

Oh, my, this place is enormous.

Ah, man, they got these little
plastic disc guns.

I haven't seen one of these
since Cleveland's wedding.



Dearly beloved,
we are gathered here today

to celebrate the joining of these
two young people... (PETER GIGGLES)

..in the bonds of holy matrimony...
(GIGGLES)

..consecrated before God Almighty.
(GIGGLES)

Hey, Stratego!
I used to love this game.

Oh, my God! Abe Vigoda?

Go bother Steve Guttenberg.
He's behind the Chinese checkers.

STEVE: Abe, shut up!

(TUNE PLAYS)

Hey, look at me, Chris.
I'm Yanni, sans the attitude.

My God, that's amazing!

You are so talented.

Huh?
Wait a second!

Something's not right here.



You were just making it look
like you were playing.

You're a phony!

Hey! This guy's a great big phony!

Come on, Chris.

(GASPS)
Ah, there you are, Stewie.

Hey! You're a great big phony,
you know that?!

Hey, come on, Stewie, y-your mom
and I have something for you.

Let me guess, you've picked out
another colourful box with a crank

that I'm expected to turn and turn
until, oooh! Big shock,
a Jack pops out!

And you laugh and the kids laugh
and the dog laughs

and I die a little inside.

(GASPS)
Surprise, honey!

A trikie!

I think he likes it. When I stick
this army guy with the sharp bayonet
up my nose, it tickles my brain.

(LAUGHS) Ow! (GROANS)

Now I don't know math.

Give it to me!
Give it to me now, dammit!

Not now, Stewie. When we get home.
(HISSING)

That's right!
You're a big fat phony!

What I'm about to show you
is a fight scene from Star Trek,
season one, episode 18.

And as a bonus I'm going to identify
when it's Shatner

and when it's his stunt double
Fred Lubbins.

Let's watch.
That's Shatner, of course.

That's Lubbins. Then that's Shatner.
That's Lubbins. That's Shatner.

That's Lubbins. Now that's Shatner,
but when I freeze-frame

you can clearly see Lubbins'
coffee cup sitting on that rock.

He is the biggest dork
on the planet. Oh, totally.

And so because of his rough
and tumble style of command,

Captain Kirk is clearly superior
to Jean-Luc Picard.

Any questions? Meg?

No! Leave me alone!

Thank you, Neil, for that incredibly
irrelevant presentation.

We all know Captain Picard
is the superior officer.

Urgh! Hey, everybody,
Mr Lassenbee's getting arrested!

(GASPS AND CHATTER)

What in God's name...?

Mr Lassenbee, what the hell's
going on here?

Apparently there's some law against
teaching the evolutionary theory

that Gil Gerard used a time machine,

went back and ejaculated
into the primordial ooze.

This stupid country.

Hello. Tom Tucker,
live at James Woods High School

with this sensational
breaking story.

A teacher caught
molesting children...

with crackpot theories.

Full story at 11. And out.

(GASPS) Oh, my God!
That's Tom Tucker from the news!

Hey, kids, remember Mr T says,
"I pity the fool who does drugs."

Better hurry up, Mr Tucker.
I'm coming.

And reports indicate she has also
consumed a record amount of seamen.

That sounds like one powerful
hurricane, Diane.

In other news, school board
elections took place last evening,

and with six precincts reporting,
candidate Fred Johnson

leads candidate Betsy LaFoe
by a substantial...

Hi, Meg. You know how cute
I think you are.

..and some turmoil
at the White House today

when President Bush stuck his
finger in an electrical socket.
Whoa! (GASPS)

Yikes. Awkward.

..that's where leprechauns
hide their gold. More at 11.

Hey, you know who lives
in this house?

A great big phony!

That's right! A phony lives here!

A big, fat phony!

I say, look at me. I feel like
a regular grease monkey.

Hey, remember that time
I had that Mustang?

Oh, yeah, you took her
for a spin that time.

(LAUGHS) Yeah, that was awesome!

Then those chowderheads on the
corner - they busted your stones.

(BOTH LAUGH)

Hey, your sister say anything
about me?

Oh, my God, I'm missing the news!

We all miss The News, Meg.

But Huey Lewis needs time to create

and we have to learn to be patient.

And in entertainment, Mary Tyler
Moore is 64 years old today.

Really? 64? Yes.
Now, I thought she was dead.

Nope, she's alive.
Fantastic!

And now this. Are you an area
high-school student

interested in the glamorous world
of unpaid internships?

If so, we'd like to invite you
to try out for Channel Five's
Young Anchor Programme.

(GASPS) Oh, wow!

You'll gain valuable experience,
have a chance to work closely
with Tom and me,

and best of all,
produce your own on-air report.

So call us now. BOTH: Yeah!

All right, question number one -

would you consider growing
a moustache? I-I guess so.

Question number two -
look at my moustache.

Do you think it tickles women
when I kiss them? I-I don't know.

Wrong! The answer is -
only slightly. Only slightly.

Next.

'Oh, God, I can't hire
any of these girls.

They're all too pretty,
their breasts are too perky.

(GASPS) Perfect!'

Congratulations. You got the job!

Oh, my God! Oh, oh, thank you,
thank you, thank you!

This is beyond anything
I've ever dreamed of.

You and your partner will start
first thing tomorrow after school.

Great! Who's my partner?
Hey there, hot stuff!

(GASPS)

Well, well. It appears the fates
have conspired in our favour.

Eh, Meg?
Look, stay away from me, Neil!

Just because we're working together
does not mean I have to like you.
Give it to me! What's that?

Give it to me, Neil!

'Give it to me!
Give it to me, Neil!'

Yeah, that'll work just fine.
Urgh!

Hey, look who's here, Diane! It's
our bright-eyed, young interns.

Did you two remember
to wear your eager caps?

I sure did, Mr Tucker.
Great, cos you two are gonna
have so much fun!

Ha. Don't act any cheerier, Diane.
You'll give us all diabetes.
Bite me, Tom.

Come on, kids!

And here's where we produce our
in-studio celebrity interviews.

I just did one with Dustin Hoffman.
He's almost impossible to book
but we got him.

So, Dustin, it's been a while.
I gotta say you look great.

Are you trying to seduce me...
DUBBED: Mr Tucker? (LAUGHS)

I am not trying to seduce you,
Dustin Hoffman. You really
look great.

Uh-oh, 12 minutes to Wapner.

Yes, I understand your
hectic schedule.

Well, Dustin, we really appreciate
you taking the time to be with us
here in the studio.

If there's anything I can ever do
for you... Bring me Peter Pan!

I'll keep my eye out for him.
Thanks, Dustin.

He's this tall.

Oh, can you believe it?
Our little Stewie learning to ride
his first tricycle.

Yeah, this is gonna be even more
exciting than when Brian taught me
about Christopher Columbus.

Where we going, Brian? Well, Peter,
we're going to visit the year 1492.

That's when Columbus set sail
on his voyage to the new world.
We're on a ship!

Right. This is the Santa Maria,
one of three ships Columbus took
to find a direct route to India.

Any sign of India yet, fellas?
Nothing yet, Captain.

India? But I thought Columbus
was going to America.

On the contrary. Columbus discovered
America entirely by mistake. Wow!

What the deuce do you think
you're doing? Back off, fat man!

Hang on, Stewie. What the...?
Hey, hey, let go!

Get your filthy paws off! Let go!

Let go, I say! Let go!

Don't let go!

Oh, this is exhilarating!

Go, Stewie!
Yay, Stewie!

Here, I've got to go
check on dinner.

You keep taping Stewie.
Don't miss a moment.

I got it.

Oh, look! It's dancing with me!

It's like there's this
incredibly benevolent force

that wants me to know
there's no reason to be afraid.

Sometimes there's so much beauty in
the world it makes my heart burst.

It's just some trash
blowing in the wind!

Do you have any idea how complicated
your circulatory system is?!

Hi, Mr Tucker. I brought you
some Rice Crispy treats

cos I remember you saying you
liked them on the news.

See, look, this one -
it's in the shape of a heart.

I'm sorry but there's a handsome man
in my spoon.

You'll have to come back later.
(SIGHS)

(GASPS) Oh, my God!

Meg's in love with Tom Tucker!

Try to move in on my woman,
will you, Tom Tucker?!

Well, no-one crosses Neil Goldman
and gets away with it!

(GIGGLES) I added a little
something to your coffee

that I don't think
you're gonna like.

Here's your coffee, Mr Tucker.

What the hell is in this?!
Sweet and Low!

That's for trying to steal my woman!

Go back and bring it to me
with urine in it like I asked!

Yes, sir.

Nice bike. Oh, if that's not the
understatement of the century.

It's cool. Too cool for you!

Oh, no, no. I-I...I think
it's right where I'm at.

Out of my way!
Oh, I see.

Yes, I-I suppose you do have to ride
it to truly appreciate its virtues.

Well then, I'll just wait right here
till you get back.

(SIGHS) Where the devil is he?

You've obviously never met
a bully.

What the deuce do you mean -
"bully"? He wasn't taking it for a
test ride - he was just taking it.

(GASPS) You...you mean?
Mm-hm.

(WHIMPERS)
He...stole...my...tri...kie?

(WAILS)

You know, Mr Tucker, has anyone
ever told you your eyes are -
Hang on a second, sweetie.

I've got to call Peter Jennings
and reschedule our golf game.
(DIAL TONE)

(LOUD ROCK MUSIC)

This is Peter. You know what to do.
(BEEP)

Mr Tucker, Miss Simmons, there's
some nut on top of town hall
with a high-powered rifle!

The gunman has been identified as
the notorious mass media murderer
who targets members of the press.

Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Mass media murderer?

You know, I think this would be
a fine opportunity

to give our interns
some real-world experience.

Hey, that means you'll get to ride
in the Action Five News chopper.

I'm so jealous! Better put in
for some new interns.

Good luck.

I've got Hugh Downs up here

and I'm gonna splatter
his distinguished career

all over the pavement! Hey, why me?
Why the media? I've got my reasons!

Dan Rather thinks he can just
condense a whole day's worth
of events into a half-hour.

Oh, don't get me started on Rather.
That arrogant jerk!

Really? You know him?!
I'm Hugh Downs, I know everybody.

In fact, he's right down there.
Where?

Ha-ha! See you later, sucker!

And by the way, Rather is an OK guy
in small doses.

Look how close we're getting, Meg.

Hey! That was my lucky assassin hat!

(ALL GASP, KIDS SCREAM)

Mayday! Mayday! I'm going down!

(GUN COCKS)

Oh, my God, we're gonna die.
There's so much of life
I haven't experienced.

I never even got the chance
to be some drunk college guy's
last resort!

My years of expensive orthodontic
work will be a total waste!

I never even had my first kiss!

It's not too late, Meg.

I'm here for you.

(GUNSHOT, BOTH SCREAM)
Time to sign off.

Remember me, dirt bag?

(GRUNTING)

Wow! You saved those kid's lives,
Mr Downs!

All in a day's work.
Remember, if you ever need me

just blow this whistle or call
John Stossel's cell phone.

Hugh Downs away!

Oh, honey, thank God you're safe.
We were so worried.

We now go to
Junior Anchor Neil Goldman

with exclusive Channel Five footage
from today's exciting scene.

Thank you, Diane. There may
have been some sort of commotion
on the rooftop

but the real story
was inside the mouths

of Meg Griffin and Neil Goldman,

where a meeting of the tongues,
a summit of saliva,

established a new world order
of love.

Argh!

Let's watch it one more time
in super slow-mo.

This is where we cease
to be Meg and Neil

and begin life anew as Meil.

Oh, my God! He put it on TV?!

Ah, isn't that cute, Peter?
Our daughter's first love.

I just wanna kill myself!
I'm going upstairs right now

and eat a whole bowl of peanuts!

I'm allergic to peanuts!

You don't know anything about me!

Who was that guy?

I say, constable, I'd like to report
the theft of my tricycle.

Oh, look at the little baby. Aren't
you cute? Where's your mommy?

How dare you condescend to me?!
I demand justice!

I'm here to turn myself in.
I have a dismembered Baltic hooker

bleeding through the tarp
in my trunk.

Oh, look at the little baby.
Aren't you cute? Where's your mommy?

Argh!

(LAUGHTER AND CHATTER)

Where did you get that shirt?
Neil's giving them out.

Hello, lover.
Neil, what are you doing?!

I'm not your lover!
I don't even like you!

Meg, I strongly suggest
you hold my hand,

lest you look like a slut.
Listen, you freak!

Tell these people there's nothing
going on between us!

Oh, don't be afraid of the fire,
Meg.

I won't let you burn.

Urgh!

Al, why haven't I leaped?

Uh, Ziggy says you can't leap
until she loves you back.

Don't worry, I'll get her.

So what were you wanting to work on?
Cardio, upper body, what?

Upper body, definitely.
I-I need to get buff so I can
get my tricycle back.

Yeah, well, luckily we're running
a special right now for the next
17 minutes.

O-OK. Well, that-that's
a little unusual but...

OK, well, tell me. OK, well, the
normal plan is 78 months of 40 a
month and 200 down. Watch this.

Forget the down. Are you watching?
Uh... Goodbye 40 a month.
Let's do 35.

OK. 35... All right.
Now, that's the cheapest?

Hang on, hang on. Trace, can you
bring me some of those free gym
bags? Thanks. Gosh!

You know, I-I could probably
just do some push-ups at home...

OK, let's start you off with
a complete body fat test.

Maybe a heart rate.
You're actually not hearing me.
I don't think this is for me. Um...

thanks anyway and, uh...
for the future,

you came on a little strong.

What's going on here? Oh, we invited
Neil's family over for dinner.

Hi! Hello! You what?! Yeah, we
wanted to get to know 'em better.

Seeing as how the two of you
will one day bless our home

with the pitter-patter of sweet
little grandchildren as ugly as sin.

Meg, you never told me your mother
was such a stone-cold fox!

Now I see where you get it.
Meg, he's so charming.

My name is Chris.

I'm supposed to be on my
best behaviour tonight,

and not mention poo.
Oh, God! What have I done?!

Well...let's eat.

I think it's very, very nice our
children had this wonderful kiss.

I remember when Muriel and I
had our first kiss,

and it was just awful!

Oh, just awful.

We were both very sick.
Weren't we, dear?

Urgh, we were terribly sick.

We were both 14 and it was winter

and we had terrible head colds.

Yes, mine especially was very bad.

I had terrible mucus coming out
from inside my nose.

And the other children, they were
very nasty to me about that.

They said bad, hurtful things to me.

They called me Tasty Cakes

and they would beat me and
stick pinecones in my ass.

Those were very bad times.

Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.

Thank you very much.

Excuse me, I'm gonna go throw up.

Ah, please flush the toilet twice.

Once for the bulk and again
for the remainder. Thank you.

Oh, she's a dear.

(GIGGLES)

Hey, you're blocking my light,
you stupid baby!

You know, my hooligan friend,
I've been racking my brain

in a thus far fruitless attempt to
resolve our recent unpleasantness.

But then it dawned on me -
your cruelty merely stems

from some deep-seated inner pain.

And so the obvious remedy
is a healthy dose of OUTER PAIN!

Argh!

Schoolchildren washing cars
to raise money for charity.

Is there anything more arousing?

Finally, we go to Meg Griffin for
a special Channel Five Junior Anchor
segment on the moon. Meg?

The moon. There's a reason
no-one goes there.

It's cold and it's ugly.

And its surface is plagued with
deep craters and jagged peaks.

(GASPS) Oh, wait!
That's not the moon!

It's Neil Goldman's face!

Recently, many of you saw me
kissing this freak of nature.

But if I didn't think
I was seconds away from death,
I would've never done it!

I mean, who in their
right mind would?

Well, I went to the streets
to find out.

Would you kiss this guy?
Urgh, no! No way!

No! No! No! No!

Oh, God! No! What's the matter
with you? Urgh!

It's official -
Neil Goldman is unkissable.

Hear that, Neil?! I don't like you
and I never will! Back to you, Tom.

Thank you, Meg. I guess beggars
can be choosers. And now this.

Well, well, isn't this
a darling picture?

(STRAINS) Let me go, man.

Tell me, how old are you, Charlie?
Seven. Seven?!

Well, my, my!
You're practically a lady.

Ironic that your fate
is in the hands of an infant.

Now tell me where my tricycle is!

I don't know. I lost it.

Argh! Very well. I have other
ways of obtaining the truth.

Argh, no! Don't!

Stewie, look what I found.

(GASPS) My trikie!

What's going on down here?

Oh, we're playing house.

That boy is all tied up.

Roman Polanski's house.

Good evening, I'm Tom Tucker.
Our top story - the President
has been shot. (CLEARS THROAT)

Tragedy strikes the nation -
the President has been shot.

What's the President doing
in this casket?

We'll tell you right after this.

Hey, Meg, nice job
on that report last night.

Wow! Thanks, Mr Tucker.

That means so much coming from
someone as handsome as yourself.

Say, how'd you like to pick up
a handsome man's dry-cleaning?
Well...sure.

But isn't that Neil's job?

(SCOFFS) Little jerk hasn't been
in all day. He hasn't?

We got a breaking story! There's
some geek on top of town hall
and he's about to jump!

Oh, my God! Neil!

Is it Neil? I've been calling
him Ned all week.

Oh, my God! Neil, please don't jump.

I was just a piece of eye candy that
she turned into an all-day sucker.

(SCREAMS)

(ALL GASP) Mr Tucker!
Thank God you're here!

Someone's gotta do something!
He's gonna fall! I'm on it, Meg.

Hey, have that cartoon sound effect
guy cue up the... (WHISTLES)

..and then top it off with a...
(SPLAT).

And if there's time before
a commercial, be ready with
a wah-wah-wah-wahhh.

Oh, my God. You don't care
about him at all, do you?

All you care about
are your stupid ratings!

You're a horrible man!

Neil, I'm sorry!

Meg? Uh-oh! There he goes.
(ALL GASP)

Good stuff, good stuff, good stuff,
good stuff, good stuff! Neil!

Meg, you do care!

Don't read too much into this, Neil.

Well, it's hard not to when
I'm lying right on top of you.

Look, just because you're repulsive

and probably the most annoying
person on the planet -

and I'm not the only person
who thinks so -

that doesn't mean I want you
to go and kill yourself.

Ah, thanks, Meg. But I was never
really planning to jump.

Wasn't gonna jump? You're a phony!

Hey, everybody!
This guy's a great big phony!

subtitles by Deluxe

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