Family Guy (1998–…): Season 3, Episode 19 - Stuck Together, Torn Apart - full transcript
Peter's jealously reaches its peak when going with Lois to the gynecologist, who prepares to examine Lois, but Peter refuses to let him near her.
# It seems today that all you see
# Is violence in movies
and sex on TV
# But where are those
good old-fashioned values
# On which we used to rely?
# Lucky there's a family guy
# Lucky there's a man who
positively can do
# All the things that make us
# Laugh and cry
# He's a family guy #
Gosh! Some of this stuff...
You wonder
who would ever need it in bulk.
I mean, like watermelons.
Touche, CostMart.
Brian, will you watch
Stewie for a minute? Sure.
And please keep
a close eye on him.
Remember what happened last time.
Stewie, get down
before you hurt yourself.
Shut up! You're not my mother!
Good God! Are you all right?
Fine. Why do you ask?
Mm... Delicious.
I will seriously consider
purchasing this product.
Oh, what have we here?
May I partake?
Mm...
Oh, sausage-san.
Plan to buy great amount
for samurai buddies.
Sir, you don't have to keep
moving to the back of the line.
Have as many as you want.
They're free.
What are you talking about?
Hey, can I have some more sausage?
Me, too.
Oh, they got a great deal on pianos
if you buy a four-pack.
Meg, help me get these down.
ROSS FISHMAN: Lois?
Oh, my gosh!
(MEG SCREAMS)
I don't believe this.
Ross Fishman, is that really you?
I haven't seen you since college.
How are you?
Great, great.
Wow, Lois! You haven't aged a bit.
Oh, thank you. (CHUCKLES)
Uh, this twelve-pack of fungicide
is for my daughter Meg. (CHUCKLES)
(CLEARS THROAT) Help...me.
(ALL LAUGHING)
He's funny.
That was great.
Is it 1981?
(SNIFFING)
Ah, yes, there you are!
You people at
the Industrial Adhesives Corporation
certainly know
how to make a tasty glue.
Well, then, let the banquet begin!
Whoa! What are you doing?
Don't eat that. For God's sake!
Don't be such a nerd!
I'm supposed to keep an eye on you.
If Lois sees this, she'll kill me.
(GRUNTS)
You can let go of my hand now.
You can let go of mine.
(BOTH GRUNTING)
(SCREAMING)
Oh...
..crap!
Well, Ross, I can't tell you
how wonderful it's been to see you.
It's a crime that it's been so long.
We were so close.
Maybe we could get together
for a cup of coffee, catch up.
Well... I don't know, Ross.
I'm married now.
(LAUGHS) Well, so am I.
Does that mean we can't
stay in touch with old friends?
Tell you what. If you
change your mind, here's my card.
Hey, look, Dad!
They have 12-packs of kidneys!
Yeah, but you gotta buy the cooler,
too. That's how they get you.
OK, thanks.
Well?
Well, the good news is
the same company makes
a solvent that'll get us unstuck.
The bad news is it takes
two weeks for delivery.
You're telling me that we're stuck
for a bloody fortnight?
You cannot tell Lois about this.
Oh, and what if I do?
I show her the pictures of you
in her wedding dress.
You said there was no film
in that camera!
(DOOR OPENS) Come on, Stewie.
It's time to change your diaper.
Uh, mind if I watch?
And I'm just ashamed
of myself, Brian,
that I let Peter's
jealousy prevent me
from rekindling an old friendship
just because it was with a man.
Yeah. Peter's not exactly
the most understanding guy
when it comes to you and other men.
Like that time at the movies?
(SLURPING)
(STUTTERING) Uh, I... This is...
My, this is terribly awkward.
But I...
I wanted to tell you something.
But I...I don't know.
I seem to be
so charmingly befuddled.
Oh, that Hugh Grant is so handsome.
Oh, is that how it is?
Come here,
you home-wrecking bastard!
Nah-uh. Don't do it, Dad!
He's bigger than you!
And when you went to that concert?
Thank you. Thank you very much.
This next one
is for all the ladies out there.
(ALL CHEERING)
And then there was
last Saturday night.
Oh, look at that handsome man.
You son of a bitch!
I can't let Peter's
irrational emotions run my life!
I'm gonna call Ross
and see if it's not too late
to take him up on his offer.
Would you mind finishing up?
Uh, sure.
Yes, do you like
cleaning my doodie, Brian?
Say it. Say it. Say it.
"I like cleaning
your doodie, Stewie."
Ha! Don't forget the tain't.
TC, you fly the chopper
around the island.
I'll go talk to the beautiful women.
And Tattoo here will keep an eye out
for the kidnappers.
Higgins. We'll need to have security
unlock the gate for me out front.
OK, Tattoo?
It's Higgins. What?
The name is Higgins.
What's your name?
Tattoo!
Oh, uh, Peter,
I'm just gonna, uh,
go out for a few hours.
Uh...
So, I...I'll return in a few hours.
Yeah, I'll do it when this is over.
Hey, Lois, can you grab me a beer?
Lois?
Dad, I think she went out.
All right. Then you be Lois. OK.
Hey, Lois, can you grab me a be-
Oh, my God!
You've really let yourself go!
Well, maybe if you bought me some
nice clothes once in a while...
(SIREN WAILING)
MAN ON LOUDSPEAKER: Peter Griffin.
We know you're in there!
Come out with your hands up!
Fooled you!
(ALL LAUGHING)
Yeah, you sure did.
What the hell is this?
It's the new
police-surveillance van.
We're going on a beer run.
Wanna join us? Nah, I quit drinking.
I think I might be an alcoholic.
What? Oh, my God! Oh, man!
(LAUGHING) Fooled you!
Come on. Let's go drink
till we can't feel feelings anymore.
This van has the latest in
law-enforcement technology.
Watch.
(BEEPS)
COMPUTER: Suspect! Suspect!
You have the right to remain silent!
(CHUCKLES) Sweet.
Hey, let me try.
Cleveland, don't!
COMPUTER: Minority suspect!
Minority suspect! Aagh!
Danger, he's got a gun!
Ow! Oh! Ow!
Hey, Joe! The van's gone!
No, no. It's got a cloaking device
that disguises it
as two homeless guys fighting
over a wedge of cheese.
Hey, Peter.
Isn't that Lois
over there in that diner?
Nah. What would Lois be doing
in a diner? I already ate.
Take a look.
Oh, my God! That is Lois!
Why the hell would she...?
I can see your skin cells!
I saw your picture on the cover of
Scientific American. You looked
great.
Oh, please! Where my eyes
are, like, half closed?
God! Just take the damn compliment.
What the hell is Lois
doing with another man?
Is it possible she's a whore?
You know, just on weekends to help
pay for her mom's dialysis...
as in my fantasy.
You know what? Let's just
start over. Hi, I'm Quagmire.
I wish I knew what she was saying.
I think I can help.
Oh, your wife and children
are beautiful.
It's so good to catch up, Ross.
I'm glad I called.
I'm glad you did, too.
So, was your husband OK
with you coming here?
Uh...yes, he turned out
to be just fine with it.
All right.
Let's see what we can pick up.
MORT: Please don't spit in my eggs.
Please don't spit in my eggs.
Please don't spit in my eggs.
Thank you for the eggs!
God, I hope
he didn't spit in my eggs!
COOK: Hey, Doug.
I just spit in that guy's eggs.
SINISTER VOICE:
Our armies are ready.
Soon it will be time
to leave the sewers
and strike back at the humans
in the overworld.
(SCATTERED CHATTER)
I'm glad we both found
someone to make us happy.
I really enjoy being with you, Ross.
I'm having a great time.
Oh, my God! That's who that is.
Ross Fishman, Lois's old boyfriend.
I think we're losing them.
Wait! I gotta hear more!
Peter, the power's not
supposed to go that high!
QUAGMIRE: Damn, this itches.
I wonder who gave it to me.
Probably that skank who needed
a ride to the gas station!
Last time I do somebody a favour!
Oh, God! They must have heard me!
Oh, God! I can hear me!
(FRANTIC HUMMING)
(BRIAN LICKING)
Oh! What the hell
do you think you're doing?
I'm cleaning myself.
Oh, you were clean
fifteen minutes ago,
now you're just on vacation.
So, Lois is seeing
old boyfriends, huh?
Well, two can play at that game.
I just gotta find
my little black book.
Ah, here it is.
Uh, Brenda?
Peter! Oh, my God!
It's been 25 years! Yeah.
So, uh, I guess
you're married now, huh?
Yeah.
(THUD)
(BABY CRYING)
Hey, Ricky, you were right!
I was pregnant!
(DOORBELL DINGS)
Hey, what's up, Pete?
Long time no see.
Gosh, Patty!
The years have been great to you.
Well, I owe that to my better half.
Who is it, sir?
Uh, Angie?
Peter?
Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Come in!
Uh, what is all this stuff?
Oh, Peter, I have been waiting for
this moment for 25 years!
I haven't washed my hand
since you last touched it.
Oh, my God! That's disgusting!
And look! Look!
I left the toilet just as it was
the night we went to the prom.
It's the little piece of you
that's kept your memory alive.
But now I have you back...
Oh, well. At least I still have you.
You hungry?
(SIREN SOUNDING)
Oh, crap!
(BRAKES SCREECH)
All right. Let me handle this.
You were going 65, fella.
That's ten miles over the...
Why are you holding
that infant's hand?
We met on the Internet.
Shut up!
Yes, he lured me down to the park
with promises of
candy and funny stories.
Officer, you ever hear of that
super industrial adhesive?
Actually, yes, we have.
Dad, how come
you keep looking at the door?
Oh, Meg. You and your drugs.
(DOORBELL DINGS)
Oh, I wonder who that could be?
Peter Gifford?
(GASPS) My God!
Dora, my old girlfriend.
What a surprise that
you would wanna look me up!
You always thought I was so handsome.
Peter, can I see you
in the other room?
Yeah, go. Say it.
Should I? Yeah.
I can't.
Just say it.
OK. Just say it.
Uh, how far can you get
this banana...?
I can't say it.
She's looking right at me.
Peter, what the hell is this about?
I'll tell you what it's about.
It's about you and Ross Fishman!
What? I saw you and him the other
day breaking the fifth commandment.
Congress passes these things
for a reason, Lois!
Oh, that's it! Peter, you're
suffocating me with your jealousy.
I can't take it any more.
I'm calling a marriage counsellor.
I can't even have coffee with
a friend without you freaking out!
What is your problem?
You wanna know what my problem is?
You wanna know what my problem is?
I love too much!
Peter, what are you talking about?
Don't you see, Lois? We're alive!
Peter, you're scaring me.
Good! Embrace the fear!
Dance with me, Lois!
Dance the dance of life!
Yeah. Maybe you should
call that marriage counsellor.
Mr and Mrs Griffin,
I have reviewed your situation,
and I have a suggestion.
We're willing to
do whatever it takes.
I'd like to put video cameras
in every room of your house
so that I can observe
your uncensored behaviour.
Wow! Just like that show,
Big Brother.
Except somebody'll be watching.
All right. I've looked
through all the video footage
and I've compiled
what I believe to be an accurate
cross-section of your home life.
Here are the results.
(GLASS SHATTERS)
Peter, give Chris a spanking.
OK. Chris, I'm watching the game.
You know what to do.
Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!
This hurts me more
than it hurts you. Ow!
"Dear Diary, Kevin is so hot.
Today he was out
in the yard raking leaves."
(ALL LAUGHING)
"God, I wish he'd throw me
into that pile of leaves!"
Hey, what's everybody...?
Oh, my God! My diary!
I hate you all!
(CRYING)
Keep going.
No. It's step-hip-step-pivot.
Are you trying
to piss off the volcano?
Get my back, would you?
Oh, that's it.
Ooh, that feels good.
Hey, Lois. Can you give me a hand
with this jar?
Oh, for heaven's sake, Peter!
(BEES BUZZING)
(SCREAMING)
That's good.
To be honest,
I've never seen such dysfunction.
Mr and Mrs Griffin,
what I'm about to suggest
may seem unorthodox.
I recommend a trial separation
during which time
I advise that you date other people.
I believe this will help you gather
perspective on your marriage.
Date other people?
Oh, my God!
I realise
this is very upsetting for you.
That's why I've invited Howie Mandel
to lighten the mood
by blowing up
a surgical glove with his nose.
(BLOWING)
(THUDS)
(LAUGHS)
Boy, this feels really weird, Lois!
I know.
But maybe the doctor's right.
This time apart
could be good for us.
I don't know, Lois.
Splitting up didn't work too well
for Pac-Man and his wife.
Hey, come on, buddy.
Forget about her.
Yeah. You're too good for her
anyway. Cheer up, man.
Hey, hey! You wanna eat us? Huh?
What? What?
We're turning blue! Oh, my God!
Oh, we've got nowhere to run.
He's still got us.
He's gonna get us! Oh!
Oh. Oh.
Yeah, he's not budging.
Come on. Let's go to Q-Bert's.
I appreciate
you putting me up, Cleveland.
Our house is your house, Peter.
I'd sit here and chat with you,
but I need to get
back upstairs to Loretta
because it's our anniversary
and the gettin's good.
(LOUD THUDDING)
CLEVELAND: Ow! Ow! Ow!
Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!
(THUDDING CONTINUES)
When is it gonna be my turn?
Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!
(THUDDING CONTINUES)
Peter, you are welcome
to stay with us as long as you like.
Ah, thanks, Muriel.
So, what do you guys
do for fun around here?
We like to watch old movies
while listening to Hotel California
to see if it syncs up
in a significant way.
And so far, no. Nothing has.
(PHONE RINGING)
Hello? QUAGMIRE ON PHONE: Hey, Lois.
Is Peter there?
Oh, hi, Quagmire.
No, Peter's not home.
We're, uh... (SIGHS)
We're having
some minor marital problems.
Our therapist has advised us to date
other people. (QUAGMIRE HANGS UP)
(FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING)
Hey, Lois, you wanna go out?
What? I don't know, Glen.
Peter and I just separated.
I feel like I need more time.
How about now? Well...
We are supposed to see other people.
I guess it's better to go out
with you than some sex pervert.
I'm in! Giggetty-giggetty-giggety
giggety-goo!
(GASPING)
Oh.
Oh! God blast it!
Would you hold it for five seconds?
(PANTING)
OK.
So, Mr Griffin,
how does it feel to be a bachelor
on the prowl once again?
Eh, it's not as great
as you might think.
Guess I just don't have the same way
with women that I used to.
(GAGGING)
Mm. That was nice. That was nice.
I had a really great time with you
today, beautiful stranger.
What's your sign?
(COUGHS)
(LAUGHS) Gross.
I still think you're neat, though.
You should try
a video dating service, Peter.
That's how Muriel and I met.
Let me show you Mort's tape.
He was so charming.
Ah! Oh, my eyes!
Could you please turn down
that very bright light?
It's burning my retinas.
(GROANS) Ladies,
I'm a very desperate man.
My name is Mort
and I live with my mother.
And I have very low standards.
(SNEEZES)
Oh, God! There's blood in my mucus!
(FLY BUZZING)
Ah! What the hell is wrong with you?
(GRUNTS)
Hey, there's the mail! (GROANS)
Oh, finally.
All right. It says it takes an hour
for this solvent to take effect.
Well, let's see.
What takes an hour?
We could watch Rita Rudner
do five minutes of stand-up.
Ba-zing.
Oh, boy! We're gonna
have a swell time tonight, Lois.
Glen, thank you for
being such a good friend
and looking after me like this.
No problem. It's kind of chilly out,
so I brought you a jacket.
Oh. No, thanks. I'll be fine.
Please?
Peter, Muriel and I both feel
that you need to follow your
therapist's advice and start dating.
Ah, geez, Mort!
I don't know if I'm ready.
Ah, come on, stud.
We've got it all set up for you
to go out with our niece.
Honey, come on out here
and meet Peter Griffin.
Peter, this is our niece,
Jennifer Love Hewitt.
Nice to meet you.
All right, I'm getting up.
Hi. Peter Griffin.
So, where do you wanna go?
Anywhere except the disco.
They don't let me in there anymore.
(MUSIC PLAYING)
Ow!
Oh! Crappy Mexicans
and your glass candy!
Hey, what's going on?
There's a little girl in that well.
Oh, my God!
Unfortunately, nobody's arms
are long enough to reach her.
Except that one guy.
But he's helping that woman tickle
a midget in a tree. Tee-hee!
(LAUGHS) Stop it!
Tee-hee! (LAUGHING)
Oh, God! You want to rescue her,
don't you?
Ugh!
It's times like this I wish they'd
used me for stem-cell research.
Help me!
It rubs the lotion on its skin
or else it gets the hose again. Ha!
All right, I'm gonna lower you in.
I just noticed.
How often do you see a 17th-century
well in this day and age?
Hurry up! The glue's wearing off!
All right! All right!
We did it. Job well done.
And we're not stuck any more.
Thank God! You said it.
You want to hold hands on
the walk home? Yeah, sure.
(CRYING) Oh, Susie!
Thank God you're all right!
Wait a minute.
This isn't my little girl.
(SCREAMS)
Hey, that was my wife!
MIDGET: Tee-hee!
GIRL: Tee-hee!
I Know What You Did Last Summer?
No. Never heard of it.
The Devil and Daniel Webster? Nope.
Party of Five?
Was that a porno?
(SIGHS) Hey, don't worry about it.
You gotta do a lot of crap before
they put you in anything decent.
Ah, the food here is fantastic.
This is where I took Lois
on our first date.
You ordered a pie for an appetiser?
Don't worry. I'll go to the john
and fire one out in five minutes.
That should make room for dinner.
Here's your table,
Mr Quagmire. Thanks.
How about a couple of drinks?
Certainly, sir.
Martini for you and the usual
roofie colada for your date?
No... No... No... Uh, no.
I wouldn't bring... A glass of wine.
(GASPS) Oh, my God!
That's Jennifer Love Hewitt!
(GASPING) Wow!
I wonder who she's here with?
She could date any man
she wanted to.
(TOILET FLUSHING)
There. Made lots of room.
Hey, waiter.
That sign in the bathroom
about washing your hands.
That's only for the staff, right?
Uh, technically, yes.
That's what I thought.
Great. Oh, man!
These all look good,
every one of them.
Hey, you want some bread? No!
Peter, is that you?
Peter? Oh, no!
I can't let him see me!
It's OK, Quagmire.
We're just doing what the therapist
said we should do.
Peter, I think it's great you're out
with Jennifer Love Hewitt.
(NERVOUS CHUCKLE) Hi.
I loved you in Heartbreakers.
You be on your best behaviour.
Here you go, sweetheart. Open up.
No! (SQUEALS) There you go.
Isn't this romantic?
That's it!
You have got to be the most vile,
disgusting human being
I've ever met!
And I have never...
..been more turned on in my life.
(CLATTERING)
Hold on, toots! I don't care
what our therapist says.
I'm not gonna stand by
and watch my husband
lock lips with another woman!
Now beat it!
What's your problem, Grandma?
You are!
And I only saw Heartbreakers
on a plane!
And the flight was delayed,
so the headphones were free!
Wow! That was pretty cool, Lois.
(SIGHS) Gosh! I guess
I finally understand...
(JENNIFER YELLS)
(GRUNTING)
(SCREAMS) Yeah, you'd better run,
you little bitch!
I guess I finally understand how
you can get so jealous sometimes.
Oh, seeing her kiss you like that
just made me crazy.
Well, I guess
we're just gonna have to learn
to control our jealousy together.
Together.
Ma'am, you dropped your napkin.
Here's your drink, sir.
Eh, we'll work on it later.
I love you, Lois.
I love you, too, Peter.
What a couple of freaks!
God, I need a drink.
Waiter! Martini and a roofie colada!
subtitles by Deluxe
.
# Is violence in movies
and sex on TV
# But where are those
good old-fashioned values
# On which we used to rely?
# Lucky there's a family guy
# Lucky there's a man who
positively can do
# All the things that make us
# Laugh and cry
# He's a family guy #
Gosh! Some of this stuff...
You wonder
who would ever need it in bulk.
I mean, like watermelons.
Touche, CostMart.
Brian, will you watch
Stewie for a minute? Sure.
And please keep
a close eye on him.
Remember what happened last time.
Stewie, get down
before you hurt yourself.
Shut up! You're not my mother!
Good God! Are you all right?
Fine. Why do you ask?
Mm... Delicious.
I will seriously consider
purchasing this product.
Oh, what have we here?
May I partake?
Mm...
Oh, sausage-san.
Plan to buy great amount
for samurai buddies.
Sir, you don't have to keep
moving to the back of the line.
Have as many as you want.
They're free.
What are you talking about?
Hey, can I have some more sausage?
Me, too.
Oh, they got a great deal on pianos
if you buy a four-pack.
Meg, help me get these down.
ROSS FISHMAN: Lois?
Oh, my gosh!
(MEG SCREAMS)
I don't believe this.
Ross Fishman, is that really you?
I haven't seen you since college.
How are you?
Great, great.
Wow, Lois! You haven't aged a bit.
Oh, thank you. (CHUCKLES)
Uh, this twelve-pack of fungicide
is for my daughter Meg. (CHUCKLES)
(CLEARS THROAT) Help...me.
(ALL LAUGHING)
He's funny.
That was great.
Is it 1981?
(SNIFFING)
Ah, yes, there you are!
You people at
the Industrial Adhesives Corporation
certainly know
how to make a tasty glue.
Well, then, let the banquet begin!
Whoa! What are you doing?
Don't eat that. For God's sake!
Don't be such a nerd!
I'm supposed to keep an eye on you.
If Lois sees this, she'll kill me.
(GRUNTS)
You can let go of my hand now.
You can let go of mine.
(BOTH GRUNTING)
(SCREAMING)
Oh...
..crap!
Well, Ross, I can't tell you
how wonderful it's been to see you.
It's a crime that it's been so long.
We were so close.
Maybe we could get together
for a cup of coffee, catch up.
Well... I don't know, Ross.
I'm married now.
(LAUGHS) Well, so am I.
Does that mean we can't
stay in touch with old friends?
Tell you what. If you
change your mind, here's my card.
Hey, look, Dad!
They have 12-packs of kidneys!
Yeah, but you gotta buy the cooler,
too. That's how they get you.
OK, thanks.
Well?
Well, the good news is
the same company makes
a solvent that'll get us unstuck.
The bad news is it takes
two weeks for delivery.
You're telling me that we're stuck
for a bloody fortnight?
You cannot tell Lois about this.
Oh, and what if I do?
I show her the pictures of you
in her wedding dress.
You said there was no film
in that camera!
(DOOR OPENS) Come on, Stewie.
It's time to change your diaper.
Uh, mind if I watch?
And I'm just ashamed
of myself, Brian,
that I let Peter's
jealousy prevent me
from rekindling an old friendship
just because it was with a man.
Yeah. Peter's not exactly
the most understanding guy
when it comes to you and other men.
Like that time at the movies?
(SLURPING)
(STUTTERING) Uh, I... This is...
My, this is terribly awkward.
But I...
I wanted to tell you something.
But I...I don't know.
I seem to be
so charmingly befuddled.
Oh, that Hugh Grant is so handsome.
Oh, is that how it is?
Come here,
you home-wrecking bastard!
Nah-uh. Don't do it, Dad!
He's bigger than you!
And when you went to that concert?
Thank you. Thank you very much.
This next one
is for all the ladies out there.
(ALL CHEERING)
And then there was
last Saturday night.
Oh, look at that handsome man.
You son of a bitch!
I can't let Peter's
irrational emotions run my life!
I'm gonna call Ross
and see if it's not too late
to take him up on his offer.
Would you mind finishing up?
Uh, sure.
Yes, do you like
cleaning my doodie, Brian?
Say it. Say it. Say it.
"I like cleaning
your doodie, Stewie."
Ha! Don't forget the tain't.
TC, you fly the chopper
around the island.
I'll go talk to the beautiful women.
And Tattoo here will keep an eye out
for the kidnappers.
Higgins. We'll need to have security
unlock the gate for me out front.
OK, Tattoo?
It's Higgins. What?
The name is Higgins.
What's your name?
Tattoo!
Oh, uh, Peter,
I'm just gonna, uh,
go out for a few hours.
Uh...
So, I...I'll return in a few hours.
Yeah, I'll do it when this is over.
Hey, Lois, can you grab me a beer?
Lois?
Dad, I think she went out.
All right. Then you be Lois. OK.
Hey, Lois, can you grab me a be-
Oh, my God!
You've really let yourself go!
Well, maybe if you bought me some
nice clothes once in a while...
(SIREN WAILING)
MAN ON LOUDSPEAKER: Peter Griffin.
We know you're in there!
Come out with your hands up!
Fooled you!
(ALL LAUGHING)
Yeah, you sure did.
What the hell is this?
It's the new
police-surveillance van.
We're going on a beer run.
Wanna join us? Nah, I quit drinking.
I think I might be an alcoholic.
What? Oh, my God! Oh, man!
(LAUGHING) Fooled you!
Come on. Let's go drink
till we can't feel feelings anymore.
This van has the latest in
law-enforcement technology.
Watch.
(BEEPS)
COMPUTER: Suspect! Suspect!
You have the right to remain silent!
(CHUCKLES) Sweet.
Hey, let me try.
Cleveland, don't!
COMPUTER: Minority suspect!
Minority suspect! Aagh!
Danger, he's got a gun!
Ow! Oh! Ow!
Hey, Joe! The van's gone!
No, no. It's got a cloaking device
that disguises it
as two homeless guys fighting
over a wedge of cheese.
Hey, Peter.
Isn't that Lois
over there in that diner?
Nah. What would Lois be doing
in a diner? I already ate.
Take a look.
Oh, my God! That is Lois!
Why the hell would she...?
I can see your skin cells!
I saw your picture on the cover of
Scientific American. You looked
great.
Oh, please! Where my eyes
are, like, half closed?
God! Just take the damn compliment.
What the hell is Lois
doing with another man?
Is it possible she's a whore?
You know, just on weekends to help
pay for her mom's dialysis...
as in my fantasy.
You know what? Let's just
start over. Hi, I'm Quagmire.
I wish I knew what she was saying.
I think I can help.
Oh, your wife and children
are beautiful.
It's so good to catch up, Ross.
I'm glad I called.
I'm glad you did, too.
So, was your husband OK
with you coming here?
Uh...yes, he turned out
to be just fine with it.
All right.
Let's see what we can pick up.
MORT: Please don't spit in my eggs.
Please don't spit in my eggs.
Please don't spit in my eggs.
Thank you for the eggs!
God, I hope
he didn't spit in my eggs!
COOK: Hey, Doug.
I just spit in that guy's eggs.
SINISTER VOICE:
Our armies are ready.
Soon it will be time
to leave the sewers
and strike back at the humans
in the overworld.
(SCATTERED CHATTER)
I'm glad we both found
someone to make us happy.
I really enjoy being with you, Ross.
I'm having a great time.
Oh, my God! That's who that is.
Ross Fishman, Lois's old boyfriend.
I think we're losing them.
Wait! I gotta hear more!
Peter, the power's not
supposed to go that high!
QUAGMIRE: Damn, this itches.
I wonder who gave it to me.
Probably that skank who needed
a ride to the gas station!
Last time I do somebody a favour!
Oh, God! They must have heard me!
Oh, God! I can hear me!
(FRANTIC HUMMING)
(BRIAN LICKING)
Oh! What the hell
do you think you're doing?
I'm cleaning myself.
Oh, you were clean
fifteen minutes ago,
now you're just on vacation.
So, Lois is seeing
old boyfriends, huh?
Well, two can play at that game.
I just gotta find
my little black book.
Ah, here it is.
Uh, Brenda?
Peter! Oh, my God!
It's been 25 years! Yeah.
So, uh, I guess
you're married now, huh?
Yeah.
(THUD)
(BABY CRYING)
Hey, Ricky, you were right!
I was pregnant!
(DOORBELL DINGS)
Hey, what's up, Pete?
Long time no see.
Gosh, Patty!
The years have been great to you.
Well, I owe that to my better half.
Who is it, sir?
Uh, Angie?
Peter?
Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Come in!
Uh, what is all this stuff?
Oh, Peter, I have been waiting for
this moment for 25 years!
I haven't washed my hand
since you last touched it.
Oh, my God! That's disgusting!
And look! Look!
I left the toilet just as it was
the night we went to the prom.
It's the little piece of you
that's kept your memory alive.
But now I have you back...
Oh, well. At least I still have you.
You hungry?
(SIREN SOUNDING)
Oh, crap!
(BRAKES SCREECH)
All right. Let me handle this.
You were going 65, fella.
That's ten miles over the...
Why are you holding
that infant's hand?
We met on the Internet.
Shut up!
Yes, he lured me down to the park
with promises of
candy and funny stories.
Officer, you ever hear of that
super industrial adhesive?
Actually, yes, we have.
Dad, how come
you keep looking at the door?
Oh, Meg. You and your drugs.
(DOORBELL DINGS)
Oh, I wonder who that could be?
Peter Gifford?
(GASPS) My God!
Dora, my old girlfriend.
What a surprise that
you would wanna look me up!
You always thought I was so handsome.
Peter, can I see you
in the other room?
Yeah, go. Say it.
Should I? Yeah.
I can't.
Just say it.
OK. Just say it.
Uh, how far can you get
this banana...?
I can't say it.
She's looking right at me.
Peter, what the hell is this about?
I'll tell you what it's about.
It's about you and Ross Fishman!
What? I saw you and him the other
day breaking the fifth commandment.
Congress passes these things
for a reason, Lois!
Oh, that's it! Peter, you're
suffocating me with your jealousy.
I can't take it any more.
I'm calling a marriage counsellor.
I can't even have coffee with
a friend without you freaking out!
What is your problem?
You wanna know what my problem is?
You wanna know what my problem is?
I love too much!
Peter, what are you talking about?
Don't you see, Lois? We're alive!
Peter, you're scaring me.
Good! Embrace the fear!
Dance with me, Lois!
Dance the dance of life!
Yeah. Maybe you should
call that marriage counsellor.
Mr and Mrs Griffin,
I have reviewed your situation,
and I have a suggestion.
We're willing to
do whatever it takes.
I'd like to put video cameras
in every room of your house
so that I can observe
your uncensored behaviour.
Wow! Just like that show,
Big Brother.
Except somebody'll be watching.
All right. I've looked
through all the video footage
and I've compiled
what I believe to be an accurate
cross-section of your home life.
Here are the results.
(GLASS SHATTERS)
Peter, give Chris a spanking.
OK. Chris, I'm watching the game.
You know what to do.
Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!
This hurts me more
than it hurts you. Ow!
"Dear Diary, Kevin is so hot.
Today he was out
in the yard raking leaves."
(ALL LAUGHING)
"God, I wish he'd throw me
into that pile of leaves!"
Hey, what's everybody...?
Oh, my God! My diary!
I hate you all!
(CRYING)
Keep going.
No. It's step-hip-step-pivot.
Are you trying
to piss off the volcano?
Get my back, would you?
Oh, that's it.
Ooh, that feels good.
Hey, Lois. Can you give me a hand
with this jar?
Oh, for heaven's sake, Peter!
(BEES BUZZING)
(SCREAMING)
That's good.
To be honest,
I've never seen such dysfunction.
Mr and Mrs Griffin,
what I'm about to suggest
may seem unorthodox.
I recommend a trial separation
during which time
I advise that you date other people.
I believe this will help you gather
perspective on your marriage.
Date other people?
Oh, my God!
I realise
this is very upsetting for you.
That's why I've invited Howie Mandel
to lighten the mood
by blowing up
a surgical glove with his nose.
(BLOWING)
(THUDS)
(LAUGHS)
Boy, this feels really weird, Lois!
I know.
But maybe the doctor's right.
This time apart
could be good for us.
I don't know, Lois.
Splitting up didn't work too well
for Pac-Man and his wife.
Hey, come on, buddy.
Forget about her.
Yeah. You're too good for her
anyway. Cheer up, man.
Hey, hey! You wanna eat us? Huh?
What? What?
We're turning blue! Oh, my God!
Oh, we've got nowhere to run.
He's still got us.
He's gonna get us! Oh!
Oh. Oh.
Yeah, he's not budging.
Come on. Let's go to Q-Bert's.
I appreciate
you putting me up, Cleveland.
Our house is your house, Peter.
I'd sit here and chat with you,
but I need to get
back upstairs to Loretta
because it's our anniversary
and the gettin's good.
(LOUD THUDDING)
CLEVELAND: Ow! Ow! Ow!
Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!
(THUDDING CONTINUES)
When is it gonna be my turn?
Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!
(THUDDING CONTINUES)
Peter, you are welcome
to stay with us as long as you like.
Ah, thanks, Muriel.
So, what do you guys
do for fun around here?
We like to watch old movies
while listening to Hotel California
to see if it syncs up
in a significant way.
And so far, no. Nothing has.
(PHONE RINGING)
Hello? QUAGMIRE ON PHONE: Hey, Lois.
Is Peter there?
Oh, hi, Quagmire.
No, Peter's not home.
We're, uh... (SIGHS)
We're having
some minor marital problems.
Our therapist has advised us to date
other people. (QUAGMIRE HANGS UP)
(FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING)
Hey, Lois, you wanna go out?
What? I don't know, Glen.
Peter and I just separated.
I feel like I need more time.
How about now? Well...
We are supposed to see other people.
I guess it's better to go out
with you than some sex pervert.
I'm in! Giggetty-giggetty-giggety
giggety-goo!
(GASPING)
Oh.
Oh! God blast it!
Would you hold it for five seconds?
(PANTING)
OK.
So, Mr Griffin,
how does it feel to be a bachelor
on the prowl once again?
Eh, it's not as great
as you might think.
Guess I just don't have the same way
with women that I used to.
(GAGGING)
Mm. That was nice. That was nice.
I had a really great time with you
today, beautiful stranger.
What's your sign?
(COUGHS)
(LAUGHS) Gross.
I still think you're neat, though.
You should try
a video dating service, Peter.
That's how Muriel and I met.
Let me show you Mort's tape.
He was so charming.
Ah! Oh, my eyes!
Could you please turn down
that very bright light?
It's burning my retinas.
(GROANS) Ladies,
I'm a very desperate man.
My name is Mort
and I live with my mother.
And I have very low standards.
(SNEEZES)
Oh, God! There's blood in my mucus!
(FLY BUZZING)
Ah! What the hell is wrong with you?
(GRUNTS)
Hey, there's the mail! (GROANS)
Oh, finally.
All right. It says it takes an hour
for this solvent to take effect.
Well, let's see.
What takes an hour?
We could watch Rita Rudner
do five minutes of stand-up.
Ba-zing.
Oh, boy! We're gonna
have a swell time tonight, Lois.
Glen, thank you for
being such a good friend
and looking after me like this.
No problem. It's kind of chilly out,
so I brought you a jacket.
Oh. No, thanks. I'll be fine.
Please?
Peter, Muriel and I both feel
that you need to follow your
therapist's advice and start dating.
Ah, geez, Mort!
I don't know if I'm ready.
Ah, come on, stud.
We've got it all set up for you
to go out with our niece.
Honey, come on out here
and meet Peter Griffin.
Peter, this is our niece,
Jennifer Love Hewitt.
Nice to meet you.
All right, I'm getting up.
Hi. Peter Griffin.
So, where do you wanna go?
Anywhere except the disco.
They don't let me in there anymore.
(MUSIC PLAYING)
Ow!
Oh! Crappy Mexicans
and your glass candy!
Hey, what's going on?
There's a little girl in that well.
Oh, my God!
Unfortunately, nobody's arms
are long enough to reach her.
Except that one guy.
But he's helping that woman tickle
a midget in a tree. Tee-hee!
(LAUGHS) Stop it!
Tee-hee! (LAUGHING)
Oh, God! You want to rescue her,
don't you?
Ugh!
It's times like this I wish they'd
used me for stem-cell research.
Help me!
It rubs the lotion on its skin
or else it gets the hose again. Ha!
All right, I'm gonna lower you in.
I just noticed.
How often do you see a 17th-century
well in this day and age?
Hurry up! The glue's wearing off!
All right! All right!
We did it. Job well done.
And we're not stuck any more.
Thank God! You said it.
You want to hold hands on
the walk home? Yeah, sure.
(CRYING) Oh, Susie!
Thank God you're all right!
Wait a minute.
This isn't my little girl.
(SCREAMS)
Hey, that was my wife!
MIDGET: Tee-hee!
GIRL: Tee-hee!
I Know What You Did Last Summer?
No. Never heard of it.
The Devil and Daniel Webster? Nope.
Party of Five?
Was that a porno?
(SIGHS) Hey, don't worry about it.
You gotta do a lot of crap before
they put you in anything decent.
Ah, the food here is fantastic.
This is where I took Lois
on our first date.
You ordered a pie for an appetiser?
Don't worry. I'll go to the john
and fire one out in five minutes.
That should make room for dinner.
Here's your table,
Mr Quagmire. Thanks.
How about a couple of drinks?
Certainly, sir.
Martini for you and the usual
roofie colada for your date?
No... No... No... Uh, no.
I wouldn't bring... A glass of wine.
(GASPS) Oh, my God!
That's Jennifer Love Hewitt!
(GASPING) Wow!
I wonder who she's here with?
She could date any man
she wanted to.
(TOILET FLUSHING)
There. Made lots of room.
Hey, waiter.
That sign in the bathroom
about washing your hands.
That's only for the staff, right?
Uh, technically, yes.
That's what I thought.
Great. Oh, man!
These all look good,
every one of them.
Hey, you want some bread? No!
Peter, is that you?
Peter? Oh, no!
I can't let him see me!
It's OK, Quagmire.
We're just doing what the therapist
said we should do.
Peter, I think it's great you're out
with Jennifer Love Hewitt.
(NERVOUS CHUCKLE) Hi.
I loved you in Heartbreakers.
You be on your best behaviour.
Here you go, sweetheart. Open up.
No! (SQUEALS) There you go.
Isn't this romantic?
That's it!
You have got to be the most vile,
disgusting human being
I've ever met!
And I have never...
..been more turned on in my life.
(CLATTERING)
Hold on, toots! I don't care
what our therapist says.
I'm not gonna stand by
and watch my husband
lock lips with another woman!
Now beat it!
What's your problem, Grandma?
You are!
And I only saw Heartbreakers
on a plane!
And the flight was delayed,
so the headphones were free!
Wow! That was pretty cool, Lois.
(SIGHS) Gosh! I guess
I finally understand...
(JENNIFER YELLS)
(GRUNTING)
(SCREAMS) Yeah, you'd better run,
you little bitch!
I guess I finally understand how
you can get so jealous sometimes.
Oh, seeing her kiss you like that
just made me crazy.
Well, I guess
we're just gonna have to learn
to control our jealousy together.
Together.
Ma'am, you dropped your napkin.
Here's your drink, sir.
Eh, we'll work on it later.
I love you, Lois.
I love you, too, Peter.
What a couple of freaks!
God, I need a drink.
Waiter! Martini and a roofie colada!
subtitles by Deluxe
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