Family Guy (1998–…): Season 3, Episode 20 - Road to Europe - full transcript

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I say! It's 4:00! Away with you!
Stewie! Take it back!

Oh, forget it.
Jolly Farm Revue is on.

The latest indoctrinating pablum for
children with not enough to do.

Hey! Shut up!

(BELLS CHIMING)

Wakey-wakey, children.

KIDS AND STEWIE:
Good morning, Mother Maggie.

The sun has risen
on another day in Jolly Farm.

Let's see what life's rich pageant
has in store for us.



Oh, she has the voice of an angel.

Not to mention a balcony
you could do Shakespeare from.

Play your song, Melody Sheep,
to aid the little ones' nourishment.

But play softly, for Pengrove Pig
wishes to read aloud...

BOTH: ..from his magic tome
that holds every book ever written.

"These were difficult times
for the children of Ipswich,

when the lollipop famine cursed
their pleasant village."

How can you stand watching this?
It's dreck and you know it.

Don't have the guts to respond, huh?

No intelligent defence
of this unmitigated crap?

Commercial! Oh!

I'm gonna get some graham crackers.

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYS)

Welcome back to KISS Forum,
Rhode Island Public Access'



most popular show about KISS.

Lois, hurry! It's back on!
Calm down, Peter.

You know I wouldn't miss
a second of this.

OK, let's take a call.
You're on KISS Forum.

MAN: KISS rules! Whoo!
OK, good call. Good call.

Ha, ha. All right.
Hey, you're on KISS Forum.

MAN: Yeah. Um, KISS sucks!
Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Trace the call! Trace the call!

Yeah, they suck big-time, man.
They bite ass!

Wait a sec...
I recognise that voice.

Is this Dennis DeYoung,
lead singer from Styx?

Come clean, man.
Yeah. Yeah, it's me. It's Dennis.

Dennis, you jealous douche.

How about I crank
a little "Detroit Rock City"
and play "Come Sail Away"

and we can see how they stack up
side by side? Huh?

You want that,
you high-voiced bastard?

We'll be right back after this.

Hey, didn't see you come in.

We're just getting into shape
for our upcoming tour.

We're playing five big shows
in five days.

So if you...
Rock'n'Roll!

Why don't...why don't you just sit
in the corner, huh? Go on.

So if you're a KISS fan
and you live in the northeast,

come out for all five shows
of what we're calling KISS-stock!

Aw, hell. The northeast!
Ah, it's times like this

I curse the fact
that we live in French Polynesia.

No, Peter, we're in the northeast.
We are?

And KISS is coming to the northeast.

That...that means, um...

That means...
No, no, Lois! Don't help me.

It means we can do something...

Come on, Peter. You're almost there.

(DRILL WHIRRING)

We can go to KISS-stock!
(SCREAMS)

(BELLS CHIMING)

PETER: Hey, yo, Lois! What?

I'm packing for KISS-stock and
I can't find my favourite underwear.

The pair with the rip
where you stepped on them

pulling them up in that airplane
bathroom when you had the trots?

No, the pair with the hole in
from when I held it in for two hours

cos it was an extra-long
Palm Sunday church sermon

and I thought blowing gas
would offend Jesus,

so I let it go in the vestibule
after mass,

and it sounded like Louis Armstrong.
Oh, bottom drawer.

Children, tell Mother Maggie what
you want to be when you grow up.

A scientist. A novelist.
A Cambridge don.

Ugh, what's my future coming from
these squalid surroundings?

Fighting some dude at the laundromat
because he was hitting on
my baby's mama?

I should be there, not here!

London...

Hey, Dad? Can me and Meg stay up
late when you're at KISS-stock?

You can do whatever you want, son.
Just don't eat from the candy tree.

He's right to caution you.
I feed on children. (GIRL SCREAMS)

You don't mind watching Stewie
for a few days, do you?

Nah. Ever since Jolly Farm Revue
came on,

he's been pretty distracted.
It'll be a breeze.

Well, bye, everyone.

I can't believe my stupid parents
are gonna spend five days

following stupid old KISS around.
It's painful.

Not half as painful
as a tyre iron upside your head.

What? I'll miss you.

(ENGINE REVVING)

Hey, Stewie,
what do you want for lunch?

STEWIE: "Dear stupid dog,

I've gone to live with the children
on Jolly Farm.

Goodbye for ever.
Stewie.

PS: I never got a chance to return
that sweater Lois gave me

for Christmas.

Erm, I left the receipt
on top of my bureau.

I'm probably over
the 30-day return limit.

But, erm, I'm sure
if you make a fuss,

they'll at least give you
a store credit or something.

Erm, it's actually
not a horrible sweater.

It's just I can't imagine
when I'll ever wear it, you know?

Oh, and I also left a button
on the bureau.

Erm, I'm not sure what it goes to,

but, er, I can never bring myself
to throw a button away.

I know as soon as I do,
I'll find the garment it goes to,

and then it'll...

Wait a minute. Actually, could it
have been from the sweater?

Did that sweater have buttons?

Hmm. Well, I should wrap this up
before I start to ramble.

Again, goodbye for ever.

PPS:

You know what, it might be
a little chilly in London.

I'm gonna take the sweater."

Oh, my God!

One of these planes
must be going to London.

Queue up, children. Spit-spot.

Here are the tickets, miss.
These are all ours. Thank you.

Spit-spot, Albert Hall,
meat and two veg,

Big Ben, Dave Clark Five,
Spam and eggs,

baby's arm holding an apple,
pip-pip, cheerio.

Hot towel?
Yes, thank you.

Well, come on!

Ugh! What the hell
are you doing here?

I'm taking you off this plane.
Er, think again, Rover.

Great. I'm stuck on a trans-Atlantic
flight with a petulant runaway.

How could this get any worse?

You know what I hate about flying?
The peanuts.

First of all, you can't get 'em open.

Who are they trying to keep out
of these things?

And what's the deal with
the razor-blade slot
in the bathroom?

Are people actually shaving
in there?

Hi, Andy, Dick here. Excuse me.

I've got to get my bag up
in the overhead bin here.

Oh! Oh, no, no!

Oh, ho, ho! Wow, that's wacky!

(SIGHS)

(TYRES SCREECH)

There, now. That wasn't so bad.

Did you sleep at all?
Yeah, a little.

Ugh! I couldn't sleep a wink.
My pillow smelled like farts.

But that's all right
because we're in England.

Uh-oh.

Well, I don't get it.
Where are England's verdant fields,

rosy-rumped maidens,
and buck-toothed solicitors?

About 3,000 miles that way.
We're in the Middle East.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

Where are we going? I don't know.

I'm not exactly familiar with
this particular Arabian village.

Stuff for sale!
Bad, cheaply-made stuff for sale!

Hey, Americans. You like movies?

I've got Dude, My Car
Is Not Where I Parked It

But, Praise Allah, We Are Not Hurt.

Camels for sale!

This one owned by a little old man

who only drove it to mosque
on Sundays.

Just had its knees replaced.

Oh, great.
Buy one and let's get out of here.

What do you mean, buy one?
All I've got is 50 bucks.

We're gonna have to distract him.
Follow my lead.

# You and I are so awfully different

# Too awfully different
to ever be pals

Do you want to go first?
Yeah, I'll go.

# Your favourite hero
is the Marquis de Sade

Oh, you're one to talk.

# You get a stiffie
from Phylicia Rashad

Oh, one time.

# I've a style flair
Just look at my hip hair

Oh, yeah,
that's quite a nice do there..

Oh, thanks!
..for me to poop on!

What? Come on, you look like
Charlie Brown. Bite me, Snoopy.

BOTH: # There's not a whole lot
that we've got to agree on

# Cos I love the strains
of a classical score

# And I like that singer
who looks like a whore

Ricky Martin?
Love him!

# We're too different
to ever be pals

# You and I are...
# Doo-doo-doo

# So awfully different
# Doo-doo-doo

# Too awfully different
# Doo-doo-doo

# To ever be pals
# Doo-doo-doo-doo

# Doo-doo-doo-a-doo-doo

# Your head's as massive
as a meteorite

Oh, very funny.

# You have a weenie
like a Christmas tree light

# I'd bet money you'll marry a honey

# Who's pretty and funny,
and her name'll be Ted

Oh, a gay joke.
I just work with what you give me.

BOTH: # You might think
we're in synch

# But we stink as a duo

# Cos you get a kick
out of carnage and guts

# And you get a kick
out of stroking your...

You can't say that on TV!
What? 'Ego'? Never mind.

# We're too different
to ever be pals #

(ALL APPLAUDING)

Oh, man, we're screwed.

We're lost in the desert.
We have no food, no water,

and our camel is dead
from exhaustion.

And I had named him
and given him a back story.

Chucky had the biggest hump
of all the camels in his village,

and he was picked on for it.

But then there was
a terrible drought,

and Chucky went to the oasis
at great risk, cos he was like that,

and he drank and drank
and stored enough water

in his massive hump
to slake the thirst of the entire...

Cut the maudlin crap.
We're in trouble.

It's already below freezing
and getting colder.

We're gonna die unless...
unless we do something drastic.

What? We have to slice open
our camel's stomach

and shelter ourselves
in his entrails.

(GASPS) Eviscerate Chucky?
I won't do it!

Look, we're gonna die if we don't.
All right.

Oh, God!
It's like Orson Welles' autopsy.

All right, just hold
your breath and go.

What are you doing?
Wiping my feet.

I don't want to track
any sand inside.

Once you get it in there,
you can't get it out.

(INHALES DEEPLY) Oh! (RETCHING)

(COUGHING) Oh, God!
I just threw up in his lung!

I know it's gross.
But when you're desperate,

and you're staring
death in the face,
you have no other choice but to...

Oh, there's a Comfort Inn. Really?

Yeah. Good luck for us, huh?
You know, actually,

once you feng shui the organs,
it's kind of cosy.

Ah, isn't this exciting?
Hey, anyone got a light?

Thanks.

Peter, look, there's Dave and Dottie
the nudists.

Well, hey there, Griffins!

Dave, Dottie,
what a pleasant surprise!

Don't tell me you're
KISS freaks, too?

KISS army soldier since 1977.
How about you?

'76. I don't think anyone
knows more about KISS than I do.

I'm sorry. What was that?

Peter, it's not important.
Let him answer, Lois!

I said no-one knows more
about KISS than I do.

Fellas, please keep it civil.

I'm not sure I like the tone
of your voice, Dave.

Well, throw down
if that's what you want.

Gene Simmons' special effects mentor?
Amazo the Magician.

Paul Stanley's high school?
New York High School of Music.

Paul's band before KISS?
Wicked Lester.

When did KISS appear on
the Jim Nabors Halloween Special?

Trick question. It was Paul Lynde.
And 1975.

Recite the ad
that brought Peter Criss
to Paul and Gene's attention.

BOTH: "Drummer willing
to do anything to make it."
Rolling Stone, October 1972.

Exemplary. Rock'n'roll.
(PLAYING ROCK MUSIC)

How in the hell are we
gonna get out of here?

Are you going to finish
your red paste? No.

What about your sweet crusty thing?
No, you can have it.

No more balloon for you.

I am sick of you tooling
around the village in that thing

honking at the girls, blasting your
1980s American rock music

that we got here last week.

But, Father...
Go to your palace!

Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
Oh, yes.

Just wait until they have to
suffer through Jesus Jones.

Pee-yew!

Not that, the balloon! Oh, yes.
The balloon. Let's take it.

Wow! I didn't know
it really looked like that.

Hmm, neither did I.
Such lovely printing, too.

# You keep on shouting
You keep on shouting...

Oh, Lois. Here comes the best part.

# I wanna rock and roll all night

# And have a wonderful...time? #

Is that it? No, no, no. It's, uh...

# And something, something all day #
Right?

Oh, man!
I've lost all faith in mankind.

Music is dead to me now.

Hey, now's our chance!
Let's do it!

# Pardon me, boy
Is that the Chattanooga Choo-Choo?

# Track 29
Hey, can you give me a shine? #

I say! Where the hell are we?

(CHOIR SINGING)

Pope. Pope!
(MOANING)

It's time to get up
and put on your hat.

It's a stupid hat.

Pope! All right, OK. God!

(FLUSHING)

Pope, the floor is not a hamper.

Man...
Good.

Now it's time to go on the balcony
and address the people.

(CROWD CHEERING)
(SPEAKS IN LATIN)

(SCREAMS)

(PANTING) All right. We've got to
find the American Embassy,

and they'll help us get home. Home?
I have no intention of returning

to that disgusting hovel
with that intolerable woman,

that fat slob,
and that insufferable dog...

Oh, you're right here, aren't you?
Oh, well, I stand by it.

My future is with Jolly Farm.

You really think that, don't you?
I know it.

OK. We've got three days
until Peter and Lois get back

from their KISS concerts.
Let's go to Jolly Farm.

Yeah, now you're talking!

You make the pope look like a fool!
God will make you pay.

Smite them!

He's cooking something up.

(TRAIN HORN BLARES)

I say, Brian, look.
Three rows down. What?

Is that Tom Bosley?

What would Tom Bosley be doing
on a train in Switzerland?

I'm...I'm almost certain. Tom!

Did he look?
I don't know.

Well, if I yell, you have to watch.

Tom Bosley!
No, it's not him. Oh.

Besides its beautiful
historic architecture,

Munich was the home of many
great writers such as Thomas Mann.

You will find more on Germany's
contribution to the arts

in the pamphlets we have provided.
Yeah, about your pamphlet, uh,

I'm not seeing anything
about German history

between 1939 and 1945.
There's just a big gap.

Everyone was on vacation!

On your left is Munich's first
city hall, erected in 15...

Wait, what are you talking about?
Germany invaded Poland
in 1939, and...

We were invited! Punch was served!
Check with Poland!

Well, you can't just
ignore those years.

Mann fled to America because of
Nazism's stranglehold on Germany.

Nope, nope. He left to manage
a Dairy Queen. That's preposterous.

I will hear no more insinuations
about the Germans!

Nothing bad happened!

(YELLING IN GERMAN)

Uh, is that a beer hall?

Oh, yes. Munich is renowned
for its historic beer halls.

Why is everybody glaring at us?
Why, Lois? I'll tell you why.

Your faux pas last night
at the concert was so upsetting

I had to call a university professor
to tell me

what phrase I should use
to describe it.

Use "faux pas".
Thanks, Professor.

You've been living
a lie all these years.

You represented yourself
as a KISS fan.

And why? To make me look foolish!
No. To make you happy.

I wanted to share in all aspects
of your life, Peter,

but I just was never
that big a KISS fan.

I should have guessed when you were
willing to dress up as Peter Criss.

No one wants to be Peter Criss, Lois.
Not even Peter Criss.

I guess I'm just not as cool
as you thought I was.

(SIGHS) I guess not.

Oh, I'm exhausted.
Come on, let's get a coffee.

(BELL JINGLES)

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

(COUGHS) Ah! The smoke is so acrid.

Ugh, a man can hardly
breathe in here.

You should get some hash, man.
You can't go wrong.

Oh, not true. Ground meat can go
very wrong for me very quickly,

and everyone in this room
will suffer the consequences!

You are out there, man,
in the ether.

Yes. Well, I'd love to further
pursue our palaver,

but I am not fluent in 'freaker',

so I'm just gonna turn back
over here, back towards my table.

Say, are you hungry? Well, you know,
I wasn't when I came in,

but isn't that so funny?
I'm getting there. Yeah. Same here.

I think the only reason
we die... Dude!

Dude, I know what you're gonna say
and I am so completely...

Wait, wait, wait, wait... (SHUSHING)

The only reason we die is because
we accept it as an inevitability.

(SIGHS) Do you think I'll ever
find the right woman?

Oh, God! I... Yes, man.
Come on, dude, you're great.

Peter, are you ever
gonna forgive me?

Lois, I am obligated
to keep loving you,

so I will take my rage
out on my own body.

Let's go to Denny's.

Oh, man! I don't believe it!
KISS is here!

We don't deserve to be under
the same roof with them.

Let's go. Well, all right.

I guess I could fix us
something when we...

Chaim? Lois!

Do not address KISS
unless they address you first!

Oh, my God. Chaim Witz? It is you!

Uh, which one do you want me
to sign? Left or right?

No, no, no. It's Lois.
Lois Pewterschmidt.

(GASPS) I knew you before
you changed your name.

Lois! I don't believe it.
It's been ages.

Hey, guys, this is the girl
I told you about.

You know, I knew her
before we formed KISS.

Loose Lois!

Cool! Loose Lois!
The legend herself.

My Grand Slam was supposed
to be with sausage.

I never realised you were
Gene Simmons the rock star!

You look great, Lois.
Anyone nailing you now?

Yes, my husband nails me.
This is him. Peter.

You...are...Gods!
Yeah, thanks. Right.

Hey, we're recording some tracks
in Boston next month.

You should come on by.

Oh, we'd love that, Chaim...
I mean, Gene, you big rockstar.

(LAUGHS) Bye.

Oh, wow! Such a small world.

He was a nice boy.
I mean, he's still nice.

Listen, Lois, uh,
what I said before...

I've never been more wrong
in my life.

You are the coolest girl
in the world!

My wife did KISS!

And J Geils. What? Nothing.

There it is. The BBC.

(GASPS) Well, this is it.

I'll say goodbye to you now.
Well, have a good life, Stewie.

Oh, I shall.

Oh, hey, I meant to ask you,
did you ever find out

what that button on my bureau
was from?

Oh, yeah. Chris' denim jacket.

Ah. I like that jacket.
It looks good on him.

OK, then.
So, we'll keep in touch? Sure.

Well, I have your address. See you.

(GASPS) Oh! There's Happy Hill!

(GROANS) What the deuce?

(GASPS) Pengrove! Pengrove Pig!

Pengrove, I've come
to live on Jolly Farm!

Oh, my! The magic tome.

But...it's cardboard.

And there are no words.
There are just...

What is it you've drawn here?

Oh, that's Oswald Owl
slamming Mother Maggie

in one of them Chinese baskets, eh?

(LAUGHS) Eh, dead brill, eh? Augh!

Oh, Mother Maggie! Thank God!

Something's terribly wrong.
Whose stinky brat is this?

What? Well, that's not your voice.

Your voice is lyrical like
the gentle strum of a lute.

Piss off, you grotty little wanker!

It's a fake. It's not real.

I thought it'd be best for you
to find out on your own, kid.

I feel like such a fool.

Don't even look at me!
Hey, come on.

You want to get some ice cream?
That'd make you feel better, right?

You wanna get some McDonald's?

You wanna take a dump
in Mother Maggie's shoes?

OK. Let's go take a dump
in Mother Maggie's shoes.

Jolly Farm is on, Stewie.
Don't you wanna watch?

Oh, the Stewie who loved Jolly Farm
is dead, Megan.

Meet the Stewie who loves
funky fruit hats!

# Do-do-do-do-do #

Oh, turn it up! Mom and Dad are on!

Hey, we're back here
with more KISS Forum.

I'm here with the Griffins,
and they got something

really exciting to share.
Yeah. My wife here did KISS.

Get out of here!
Hand to God.

Oh, Peter! How does that
make you feel?

I feel like I've done KISS, too,
Donny. And it feels good.

Lois, you got any tips for the young
girls in the audience tonight?

Well, I guess
the best advice I can give

is that you never know
who's gonna grow up to be famous.

So just make yourself available.

Cool. Cool.
Well, that's our show for tonight.

Now stay tuned for
Battlestar Galactica Forum.

Welcome to
Battlestar Galactica Forum.

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