Family Guy (1998–…): Season 3, Episode 16 - A Very Special Family Guy Freakin' Christmas - full transcript

"It seems today that all you see

"Is violence in movies and sex on TV

"But where are those
good old-fashioned values

"On which we used to rely?

"Lucky there's a family guy

"Lucky there's a man who positively
can do all the things that make us

"Laugh and cry

"He's a family guy

Merry Christmas, dude.

Don't put it in your nose. It burns like hell.

Merry Christmas, everybody.



As president of the Quahog
Chamber of Commerce,

I'd like to thank the Senior Centre
for decorating our tree.

Ooh, broke my hip!

Look, there's the manger
for the Christmas pageant.

You're gonna make
the cutest Baby Jesus ever.

So, you want to dress me up and trot me
about like a circus poodle, hm?

Let me consult my agent,
Mr Irving R Pointy Stick!

Oh, Stewie, no sweets before dinner.

Mom, I'm freezing. Can we go home?

In a minute. Would you just
look at this beautiful tree?

Every year, I look up at that star

and I think of all of the joy and wonder
that Christmas promises

and that miracle that occurred
on that silent winter's night.

Hey, I'm on vacation! Happy birthday, Jesus!



"Seven maids a-milking,
six maids a-milking, five maids a-milk...

You're not wearing the sweater I made you.

- Uh... Well, it's a little warm in here.
- "Don we now our gay apparel. "

Doesn't get much gayer than this.

Tomorrow's Christmas Eve,
and you still haven't gotten a tree.

I told you, I'm on dipsaluscious vacation.
What part of that don't you understand?

Come on, honey. It's the only thing
I've asked you to do. Please?

Brian, tape this for me.

The VCR hasn't worked since
you tried to tape Monday Night Football.

Do you have the express written consent
of ABC and the NFL?

Just ABC.

If you get us a tree, I'll make sure
Santa brings you a new VCR. Please?

Crap. How come I have...? Commercial!

I got something to add to my Christmas list.

Those jewelled bug barrettes. Not costume -
real. Maybe you should write that down.

Honey, Santa got all his shopping done
before the rush. I think you'll be very happy.

I just want peace on Earth.

That's better than being selfish like Meg,
right? So I should get more than her.

Merry Christmas to all
and to all shut the hell up.

Before you sit, we're due at
Joe and Bonnie's for eggnog.

- Can't we tell them your mother died?
- I won't lie about something like that.

All right, I'll kill your mother. God, when
did Christmas become so complicated?

- You guys know that Rudolph is on, right?
- Peter!

Thank you for the lovely gingerbread house.

Yeah! It's perfect for
all the happy active gingerbread men.

Except for the one with no legs! Look at
the parents telling their kids not to stare.

"How does his pee-pee work, Mommy?"
I've got news for you, Becky. Not so well!

Joe, you promised. It's Christmas.

Joe had his accident at Christmastime.

Heh.

"Check the balls on Uncle Charlie,
fa-la-la-la-la...

Yes! Time to go a-wassailing!

- Hi, Peter.
- Hi, I'm Prancer.

Why don't you take Joe along?

That'll be about as much fun as
a lecture on ontological empiricism.

- What?
- What?

Honey, he could use some Christmas spirit.

- For me? Please?
- All right, all right.

But you owe me. Later, under the mistletoe.
Open mouth, no matter how drunk I am.

The gifts are in the trunk. Don't forget
to drop off the one for Toys for Toddlers.

All right.

- Somebody give me a beer.
- Heads up.

Yeah, Peter, one of us has
to be the designated driver,

and I've already had four eggnogs,
so I guess you're it.

Ha! That's a good one, Joe.
Way to get into the spirit.

- Oh!
- I'm a cop first, a buddy second,

so don't think I wouldn't throw
your drunk-driving ass in the slammer!

All right, let's a-wassail!

Stewie, honey, time for bed.
You have a big day tomorrow, Baby Jesus.

Trust me, if I could walk on water,

I'd stroll you to a lake and hold you under
until the bubbles stopped!

Oh, someone's being naughty, not nice.

- You know, Santa's watching you.
- What the devil do you mean?

Honey, Santa's making a list
and checking it twice.

- He sees you when you're sleeping.
- He knows when you're awake.

I almost caught him last year. But he's magic!

Constant surveillance
of every child on Earth? Impossible!

Unless... Hidden cameras!

Very clever. Watching to see
if I'm naughty are you?

Well, check this twice!

Hey, guys. Check me out.

Whoa! Whoa!

Whoa... Agh!

Whoa. Whoa! Aagh!

Oh, no! Oh, no! I've broken my legs!

That's about as funny as Sinbad.
Not the comedian. He's hilarious.

The sailor. But then he was
never meant to be funny.

I gotta go to freakin' Toys for Toddlers.

Sounds like somebody's
got a humbug up his butt.

Maybe we should set him up
with another lemon snow cone.

No, thanks. The last one you gave me
didn't taste like lemon. It tasted like...

Oh, you guys are asses!

I knew you were awake.

You!

Now, Stewie, you are in my power.

Agh! No, damn you!
Damn you, let me go! Agh!

Good, Melvin. Nice work, Woodrow.

Excellent, Stewie.

Agh!

It was just a dream. I needn't fear this Santa.

If he were omnipotent, he'd have
the fortitude to show himself!

See? I'm just barking in the dark.
No one here but me.

All right, where's the wire?
Show yourself, Claus!

- Stewie, go to sleep!
- This doesn't involve you, Lois!

- I don't want to have to come in there.
- I don't want to have to come in there!

Shh. Dad's awake.

- Don't whisper. I don't have a hangover.
- It's a Christmas miracle.

Shouldn't you have your sweater on?

That's for letting Joe
join in your reindeer games.

Now you go relax while I make my little
Christmas angel a big stack of pancakes.

If I'm asleep, just stuff 'em in my mouth.

- Just one more thing.
- Lois!

I need you to take the presents
out of the trunk.

- Aren't you gonna do it?
- I dropped them all off at Toys for Toddlers.

All? One gift was for charity.
The rest were for the family.

No, the rest were from the family.
Were... weren't they?

Oh, crap. Since when did they change
the meaning of "for" to "from"?

- They had a meeting about it last night.
- Why wasn't I told?

They sent you a card, but it said "for Peter",

so you must've thought it was from you,
so you didn't, uh...

It's just easier to call you stupid.

You're gonna take back
donated gifts on Christmas Eve?

Yep. Now here's the plan: You'll enter
through the air conditioning duct here.

There's a laser grid
three inches above the floor,

so you have to compress your body
to the size of a sponge

and slide underneath like some
kind of weird amphibious dolphin.

Can I buy some pot from you?

- What you want?
- Oh!

So you understand, all these gifts
were supposed to be for my family.

It was just some crazy mix-up.

Kill 'em.

No, no, no, it's true.
That remote control car was for my son.

And those barrettes were for my daughter,
and... Where's my VCR?

Dang it, Buck!
It's my turn to use the sexbox!

It's my sexbox! And her name is Sony.

You gave away all the presents?

If you strike me down, I shall become more
powerful than you can possibly imagine.

You brought glad tidings to
a family less fortunate than your own.

You're not mad?

I am a bit irritated that I have to shop again.
But at least some good came out of it.

So I can drink beer and watch TV?
Because Kiss Saves Santa is on.

But, Mrs Claus, who would kidnap Santa?

Ace, that's what I want you boys to find out.

Someone stole Santa? That does not rock!

Easy, Gene. Guys, let's go save Christmas.

- To the Kisscopter!
- Yay!

You can watch all the TV you want...
just as soon as we get back from the mall.

The mall? On Christmas Eve?

I just want this family
to have a perfect Christmas.

And I need a little help, OK?

- Brian, can you turn the oven off at three?
- No problem.

We'll shop, come home, eat,

and then it's off to the pageant
to see little Stewie play Baby Jesus.

Yes, yes. By all means
turn me into a child star.

Perhaps I can move to Californ-i-a and
wrangle a three-way with the Olsen twins.

There's a spot!

Ah, screw this.

OK, Peter. We'll each take
half the list to save time.

Kids, why don't you
take Stewie to see Santa?

Santa?

No, it's not possible!
Sitting alone in this public setting?

No bulletproof glass?
Claus, you make it too easy.

Change me! I've leaked,
and I won't face him wet!

We return to
"Bob Hope's Christmas With The Troops".

It's good to see you.
I would've been here sooner,

but Lincoln gave me
the wrong Gettysburg Address.

How about this having
to sit still for 60 seconds

to have your picture taken?

Ah, sweet! It's Kiss Saves Santa.

Hang on, Santa. We're coming!

Hurry! The eggs are hatching!

- What do we do?
- Wait a second.

Everyone knows pterodactyls
can't stand the screech of a guitar!

- It's working!
- Santa, be careful!

- Careful, Santa!
- Hang on, Santa!

- I was watching that! Hey!
- It'll be on next Christmas.

Who the hell knows when that will be?

Agh!

If I was an oven mitt...

Dammit, Peter!

Ho, ho, ho.
And what can I bring you this year?

A peace offering, is it? Very well.

Trim those gin-soaked whiskers
and bring me plutonium.

- Can you be a good boy?
- Hm, your inquiry intrigues me.

Can any of us be good? Are our primal
urges innate or the result of our choices?

OK, wrap it up, kid.

All right, Kringle! If the reward is plutonium,
then your wager is accepted. I will be nice.

Good boy! Now, smile for the camera.

Yes, yes, smile... like a good boy.

Aha! Meg's barrettes.

You mean Julie's barrettes!

You still want 'em, you bony old blue-hair?

Ow! Ow! Titty-twister! Ow! Hurts!

Hey!

Aha!

All the clown fish and yellow tangs
in the world can't help you now.

That's it? Fish food?
That's your ace in the hole?

Agh! Agh! Oh, God! Agh!

Phew.

Turkey!

Lois, it was horrible. The fish were
jumping all over my eyes and in my nose,

and one of them muttered
something anti-Semitic.

We're almost home, honey. Look.
There's the star on the town Christmas tree.

We're following it home,
like the Three Wise Men.

- So, what'd you get him?
- Gold.

Gold? I thought we agreed
on a $5 limit here.

- I just got him a crappy bottle of myrrh.
- Hello? Frankincense! You always do this!

Look, we'll put everything together
and put all our names on it.

- No!
- That's so chea...

- Yes!
- No! No, no, no, no, no!

You can't...

Oh, my God! Brian, are you OK?

I told you we should've left cookies for Santa.

Agh!

My couch! My TV! What the hell did you do?

Me? Who the hell buys
a novelty fire extinguisher?

Someone who cares enough about physical
comedy to put his family at serious risk.

Boys, please. It's Christmas Eve.

This is a night for magic and wonder and joy.

OK, so a couple of things have gone wrong.
But we can still have a great Christmas.

Jeez, kids. I was this close to losing it.
But your mom's right.

Sure I am.
Meg, honey, get me some paper towels.

Let's lose the bad tidings
and find that holiday cheer.

Yeah, all right.

We're out of paper towels.

No paper towels? Aaaaagh!

- I was gonna pick at that.
- Shut your fat mouth!

You all think Christmas just happens?

You think all this goodwill falls
from the freakin' sky? It doesn't!

It falls out of my holly-jolly butt!

So cook your own damn turkey,
wrap your own damn presents,

and while you're at it, you can all
ride a one-horse open sleigh to hell!

Aaagh!

Oh, here's the paper towels.

I-I-I changed my mind.

Clarence, I wanna live again!
I wanna live again!

Whoa!

Hey, I guess there's some magic
in that old silk hat.

Merry Christmas!

- Easy, lady.
- You want some of this!

- What the hell is her problem?
- Frosty, let it go!

Just a second.
You got something to say to me?

All he did was wish you a merry Christmas.

Wish? It's easy to wish.

But does anyone take responsibility
and make it happen? No!

You all expect someone else to do it
for you, like Santy Claus or Mommy!

Ah! Ow! What the...?

Take it off! Take it off!

Must... kill... star.

Dad, what happened to Mom?
What if she never comes back?

If this is the way she's gonna act
at Christmas, do we even want her back?

Which is better? Around the waist
or off the shoulder? Waist? Shoulder?

I thought you didn't
wanna be in the pageant.

Megan, Santa would think it terribly naughty
of me not to fulfil my obligation to Mother.

- The pageant means so much to her.
- Where do you think she is?

Thank God years ago I planted
a homing device in her skull

for just such an occasion.

I forgot. I also put 'em in some squirrels.

This won't do any good.
Let's see if she's at the pageant.

You... you lied to me.

Oh, my God! There's Mom!

Hi, Lois! Do we look like ants down here?

Bite me!

Great time last night.
Don't worry. We'll get Lois down.

- Locked and loaded.
- You can't shoot my mom!

Don't worry, kid.
It's just a mild sedative. Go!

Hang on. Lois is only up there because we
sucked the Christmas spirit right out of her.

Maybe if she sees the pageant,
it'll bring her around.

Trust him. He's seen every
Christmas special ever made.

- Are you wearing a girl's sweater?
- Does that matter now?

You got ten minutes.

Lights, please.

As we all know, Christmas
is that mystical time of year

when the ghost of Jesus rises from
the grave to feed on the flesh of the living.

So we sing Christmas carols
to lull him to sleep.

How dare he say such blasphemy!
I've gotta do something!

Bob, there's nothing you can do.

I guess I'll just have to
develop a sense of humour.

I am the Virgin Mary.
That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

Oh, our saviour has arrived!

Good evening. I'm playing the role of Jesus,

a man once portrayed on the big screen
by Jeffrey Hunter.

You may remember him as the actor
replaced by William Shatner on Star Trek.

Mr Hunter was good enough
to die for our sins,

but not quite up to the task
of seducing green women.

Anyhoo, the perennial dictum is
to spread goodwill towards all men.

The irony is that this is
contrary to our nature.

So why do we do it?
Because we are being watched!

And so we unselfishly think of others,

assured that our good behaviour will
be rewarded with love... and plutonium.

She's not getting it.
OK, take her down.

- Merry Christmas, buddy.
- Wonder what this could be.

Oh.

- This Christmas rocks!
- Mom, Stewie's opening his gifts. Mom?

It's OK. Your mom's just
full of Christmas cheer

and enough tranquilliser
to bring down a bull elephant.

Honey, you got a little some...
You got a little... Oh, I'll get it.

Hungry Hungry Hippos?
Claus, you porcine double-crosser!

- And to think I was nice!
- You got another one, dude.

Plutonium!

He is real! He's really, really real!

- Did you get everything you wanted?
- You bet. A week's vacation, a new VCR,

and best of all,
my own copy of Kiss Saves Santa.

You just practise that guitar, Santa.
Next time we'll let you do a solo.

Don't encourage him!

- From all of us at Family Guy...
- We wish you Christmas joy.

May all your wishes come true...

For every girl and boy.

We hope your freakin' holidays
are filled with fun and cheer.

So have a Merry Christmas and...

Visiontext Subtitles: Tram Nguyen Zelniker

ENGLISH SDH