Family Guy (1998–…): Season 3, Episode 17 - Brian Wallows and Peter's Swallows - full transcript
Brian is sentenced to community service following a drunk driving episode; Peter cares for three endangered nestlings living in his freshly-grown beard.
# It seems today that all you see
# Is violence in movies
and sex on TV
# But where are those
good old-fashioned values
# On which we used to rely?
ALL: # Lucky there's a family guy
# Lucky there's a man who
positively can do
# All the things that make us
# Laugh and cry
# He's a family guy #
So, uh, tell me
about yourself, Tina.
Well, I really love music.
Oh, God! Me, too!
You know, I just saw Don Giovanni -
in my opinion, the best opera of
the 18th century. Definitely.
And the use of
recitative throughout...
(STAMMERS) Mozart was a genius.
Oh, yeah.
(STAMMERS) Recitative is really,
you know, where it's at.
Sir, are we ready to order?
Whoa, whoa. Hold on a second.
You have no idea what I'm talking
about, do you? Well, sure I do!
Opera's bitchin'!
Um, OK. I guess I'll have
the Es-cargott
and a glass of Chab-liss.
(SIGHS) Same here.
Es-cargott and the Chab-liss.
(PIANO PLAYING)
Don't dawdle, Jonas.
Play your exercises.
Brian, you're home early.
What happened with your date?
The same thing that always happens.
She was an idiot. Oh, Brian.
Don't slow down, Jonas.
Keep the rhythm.
# Bum-bum-bum-bum...
# Brian, your standards
are ridiculously high
# You'll never find a girl unless
you're willing to make exceptions
# And compromise
so you can find your love
# Lois, I don't think
I have to compromise a thing
# I'd rather be alone
than with someone who doesn't get me
# And how long has the coffee
been on the burner in the kitchen?
# I could really use a cup about now
# Oh, it's not very fresh
You see, I meant to make more
# But I made the mistake of getting
caught up watching Oprah
# She had on James Garner
# James Garner? What's he plugging?
# I don't know,
some crappy movie on TNT #
Very good, Jonas.
I'll see you next week.
So, what is it, Brian?
You don't think these women
understand you...
Lois, I'm really not comfortable
talking about this a-melodically.
Peter, I was wondering
if you could... Shh. Hang on.
Hang on a second, Lois.
TV ANNOUNCER: And now back to
The Life and Times of Grizzly Adams.
Um, Grizzly?
Who's Steve? What?
Uh, there's a message on the machine
from somebody named Steve.
Oh, yeah, Steve, um...
He's, uh, new to the mountain.
I met him down at the general store.
He makes canoes.
Oh.
How come I've never met him?
Mm, he hasn't really
been here that long.
Long enough to get your number.
Ben! Ben!
(DOOR SLAMS)
Dammit.
Look at that Grizzly Adams, huh?
Look how confident he is,
how majestic.
Lois, I'm gonna grow a beard.
Oh, Peter, you know I hate beards.
Oh, no. Lois, it's time I joined
the ranks of great men with beards.
Why do you think
Jesus Christ was so popular, huh?
Cos of all them magic tricks?
Listen, Brian's very depressed.
Can you and the guys take him with
you to the laser rock show tonight?
Yeah, sure.
Hey, I'm good at cheering people up.
Mr and Mrs Ramsey,
JonBenet's untimely death
is a tragedy.
And I will not rest
until I find her killer, or killers.
Oh, really...
Don't bother. Nothing's going
to bring our baby back.
No, no. No, I insist.
I will make it my life's work
to find out...
We're fine! Just drop it!
ANNOUNCER: The next laser rock show
will begin in 20 minutes.
You hear that, Brian?
A laser rock show!
Come on, cheer up, would you?
(SIGHS) I don't much feel like it.
Binary code is
the language of computers
in which words are translated into
sequences of zeroes and ones.
Anything at all
can be expressed in binary,
as we demonstrate in this famous
scene from The Miracle Worker.
Zero one, one zero, one zero,
zero one.
(MUFFLED SPEECH)
Zero, one, one, zero, one, zero,
zero, one!
Zero, one, one, zero, one, zero,
zero, one!
(CHUCKLES) Zero, one!
Zero, one!
What? You don't think
this is amazing?
When I saw this at
the 1904 World's Fair,
I nearly crapped my pants!
All right! Virtual reality!
Whoa! You guys gotta try this!
Hey, look at me!
I'm a pole in a strip club!
Oh!
(BELL RINGING)
It's show time.
Oh! Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, oh!
Hey, stop! False alarm! Oh! Ah!
Oh, my God! I'm flying.
I'm flying!
Yes. I'll have a diet Sprite.
# THREE DOG NIGHT: One
# One is the loneliest number
that you'll ever do
# Two can be as bad as one
# It's the loneliest number
since the number one #
You are a filthy whore.
(SIGHS)
OK, Johnny Depp or Richard Grieco?
Oh, that's gross.
Yeah, let's not do this.
Come on. If you're secure
in your masculinity,
you can answer
a simple hypothetical.
Oh, all right. Johnny Depp
cos he kind of looks
like a chick, I guess.
What about you, Peter?
Oh, man!
Uh, well, I don't know.
Richard Grieco would probably
appreciate you more,
you know, not take you for granted.
I mean, with Johnny Depp,
it's like he wouldn't really
need you, you know?
He'd probably sneak out
after you fell asleep.
Of course, with Johnny
you'd get the financial security.
I'd go with Johnny.
(SIREN BLARING)
Oh, great.
Brian?
Uh, hey, hey, Joe.
How's it going?
Pretty good.
You were doing
a little swerving back there.
Yeah. Yeah, well, you know,
me and the boys were just, uh...
Whoa! You're off the meter, Brian.
You're under arrest.
Oh, come on!
Move it!
Hey, one of you guys
all right to drive?
Um, yeah. I can do it.
(CANS CLATTERING)
Great. I'll meet you at
The Drunken Clam.
We'll tie one on.
I'm very disappointed in you.
God, a DUI. I can't believe this.
I could actually go to jail!
It's OK, Brian.
You'll get through this DUI.
And you'll be a better person
for it. Now, hold on a minute!
Don't disguise his alcohol
dependence as a ticket
to self-realisation!
Look, you're not one to talk,
all right?
You remember that time I gave you
apple juice and told you
it was wine?
(SLURRING)
I think you are a special person.
Thanks. No, come on!
I'm being...I'm being serious.
I want to be serious here
for a second!
Are you gonna...
Are you gonna listen to me?
Are you gonna listen to me
so I can tell you
that I respect you?
(GLASS SHATTERS)
(LAUGHING)
Now, Brian,
I know this is a bad time for you.
And if I have any advice to give you,
it is this.
Grow a beard.
Peter, I wish you'd shave
that thing. Beards are so ugly.
Hey! Oh, relax, Wooly Willy.
There's lots of fun things
you can do with that.
There we go. Thanks!
On the charge of driving
under the influence,
this court finds you guilty.
(GASPS) Yes!
(SING-SONG) Good call.
Churn the butter. Ooh, ooh!
(SIGHS)
In lieu of jail time, I sentence you
to 100 hours of community service.
Next item.
Dearly beloved, we are gathered here
to join these two in holy matrimony.
If anyone objects to this union,
speak now or forever hold your peace.
Quiet down! You had your chance!
So, what do you have to do
for your community service?
(SIGHS) I got assigned to
Outreach to the Elderly.
I gotta take care of an old woman
who hasn't been out of her house
in 30 years.
When I got caught at school
with my hand down my pants,
I had to keep it there
for a whole week.
Ha! What a week!
I don't know. I guess
taking care of this old woman
will be like baby-sitting
with bigger diapers.
Ah-ha!
So they do make bigger diapers!
That deceitful woman told me
I'd have to learn to use the toilet.
Well, fie on the toilet!
It's made slaves of you all.
I've seen it sitting in there,
lazy, slothful porcelain layabout
feeding on other people's doo-doos
while contributing
nothing of its own to society!
You get a job!
(DOORBELL DINGS)
Uh, Pearl Burton?
(STAMMERS) My name's Brian.
I'm here from the Outreach to
the Elderly programme? You're late!
(UNLOCKING DOOR)
Aagh! What the hell is this?
De-lousing powder!
Everyone on the outside is filthy!
You could have given me
some warning. Here's your warning.
It's gonna burn like hell
in 30 seconds.
I like my tea at 4:00,
my dinner at 6:00.
I take my bath at 7:00 sharp
so I can listen to Paul Harvey.
You'll warm my bath water
with bursts from the faucet
during commercials only.
It'll take you a while to
get the rhythm. Harvey moves
seamlessly into commercials.
By the way, it's been 30 seconds.
(SCREAMING)
Peter, stop scratching that thing.
I can't. It's itching like crazy.
Dad, can I scratch your beard?
Have you finished your homework? Yes.
OK, then.
(LAUGHING)
Brian, you've been awfully quiet.
Is the community service not going
that well? Lois, it's horrible.
I was cleaning her house all day.
It's the worst job I've ever had.
Well, except for one.
Uh, excuse me.
Would you like to taste
my smoked meat log?
Here you go. Enjoy your food.
Enjoy your studio apartment.
Peter, you got something right here.
Where, here?
No, no. Other side.
Over here?
The left side, Peter.
Right here?
Your other left side, Peter.
Up a little.
Do I have it?
Is it gone?
Now go down.
(SCREAMING)
(SQUAWKING)
Is it gone?
Ah! Get it off! Get it off!
Get it off!
Peter, hold still! Hold still!
Wait! Don't touch that bird!
Eh, what's it to you, pal?
I'm Dr Goodman of
the Quahog Ornithological Society,
ironically dining in a restaurant
that exclusively serves poultry.
Doctor, what is this?
Oh, it's a very rare species.
The endangered White-Rumped Swallow.
(LAUGHS) "Rump."
This isn't funny, Chris!
(LAUGHS) "Swallow."
Look! Just get rid
of this bird, all right?
Unfortunately, I can't do that.
Once the swallow has chosen
its nesting place,
it's illegal to disturb it.
But he can't walk around
with a bird in his beard.
I'm sorry. You have to wait until
the bird departs of its own accord,
or you'll be prosecuted
to the full extent of the law.
Wow! You sure know a lot of stuff.
It's great to learn.
ALL: Cos knowledge is power!
(SLURPS)
(SPITS) What is this? Spit soup?
Tomato bisque.
What is this? Snot soup?
Tomato bisque!
What is this? Diarrhoea soup?
I'm not making you anything else,
so just eat it, all right?
Fine!
Then I'll have to call the judge.
And that means you'll go to jail!
You're one phone call away from
getting a human booster shot
from a guy named Mali.
Ugh.
(HORROR MOVIE PLAYING)
Damn it all!
(SHUSHING)
Sorry! Sorry!
(SQUAWKING)
MAN 1: Hey, shut up!
MAN 2: Keep it down.
There's nothing I can do.
MAN 1: Take it outside!
WOMAN: Have you
ever heard of a sitter?
Look, it's an endangered species.
What am I supposed to...?
I'll make you an endangered species!
Good comeback, Potsie!
I'll kick your ass,
that's what I'll do!
(ALL CLAMOUR)
Everybody just shut up!
He has stopped squawking.
He has receded into my beard.
We can all watch the movie. Shut up.
MAN 3: Eric, if you're in here,
we're all going to Marty's
after the movie.
Ah! I love you so much.
I love you, too, honey.
(SQUAWKS)
Aah!
What's wrong?
Aah!
(ALL SCREAMING)
Oh, that's it. You're history, pal.
No bird Frenches my wife
and gets away with it!
PEARL: Help! Help!
I've broken my hip!
Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow!
Brian!
5.3 seconds.
I could have been dead by now!
What? You mean you're not really...?
I heard you drop
that light bulb, too.
That'll be 67 cents!
Now go warm me up
some of that diarrhoea soup.
That's it!
I have had it with you, you old hag!
You're just a miserable
dried-up shut-in
trying to make everyone else
feel as bad as you do!
Why don't you do the world
a big favour and drop dead?
Uh, this last one won't open.
Oh, jiggle it a little bit.
Like... Like this?
Nah. Here, let me get it.
Oh, thanks.
And, uh, you know, drop dead.
(LOUD ROCK MUSIC PLATING)
Get out of my beard,
you squawking bastard!
(SIGHS)
Nothing.
Well, I was hoping
it wouldn't come to this.
Oh, my God, Peter, no!
(BOTH GRUNTING)
Lois, the bird must die!
It's gone! It's gone!
Oh, thank God!
(BIRDS CHIRPING)
Peter, what's that sound?
Oh, my God! They're babies.
Hey, look, Lois. There are
three of them, just like ours.
And, uh... Um...
Sweet.
ANNOUNCER: We now return to
E's Mysteries and Scandals.
Pearl Burton, the Jingle Queen.
Pearl?
I'm AJ Benza.
You won't find Pearl Burton's name
on the Hollywood Walk of Fame.
Yet from 1945 to 1960,
you couldn't turn on a radio or
television without hearing
one of her trademark jingles.
PEARL: # You're only healthy
when you're tan
# So soak up all the sun you can
# With Copper Coppertone #
At her peak, Pearl Burton
earned 26 grand a year,
which by today's standards would be
just under $49 billion.
Brian, she's beautiful.
Yeah. And that voice. I had no idea.
In 1961, Pearl used an appearance
at Carnegie Hall
to make the leap from
jingle-singer to artist.
(SINGING OPERA)
That's Habanera from Carmen.
Oh, I've never heard it
sung so beautifully.
Sing Coppertone!
Yeah, Coppertone!
Do Doan's Pills!
Sing Gold Bond Medicated Powder!
Pepsodent!
Chiclets!
Cheez Whiz!
No one has seen Pearl Burton
since that fateful night
over 30 years ago.
She's presumed dead.
My God!
And I said all those
awful things to her!
(GASPS) Pearl!
Oh, come on, Pearl. Don't do this!
You should be happy.
I'm taking your advice
and doing the world a big favour.
Now move!
Your fur is making my feet sweat.
Pearl, listen to me.
I heard you sing.
It was the most beautiful sound
I've ever heard in my life.
Oh, sure. Warbling for Vicks VapoRub
and Dippity-Do!
No. No, Pearl. I mean...
Oh, stop trying to
talk me out of it!
I'm a pathetic sell-out!
No-one who sings Carmen
like you is pathetic.
What? I heard you sing Habanera.
You were sublime.
You...you liked my aria?
I was overwhelmed.
You're the first person who ever
complimented my Habanera.
Thank you.
Well, I'd... I had better get going.
I'll, uh, I'll see you tomorrow.
But you're not scheduled tomorrow.
I know.
(GAGGING)
(CHIRPING)
(SLURPING)
And then the cow came out
of the barn. (BIRDS CHIRPING)
See? See, look. There's the cow.
And what does a cow say?
(CHIRPING)
Yes!
Yes, that's right.
A cow says, "Peep-peep-peep-peep."
You know, Peter,
they're getting awfully big. So?
So every good mother knows
when it's time for her babies
to leave the nest.
Hey, they're free to go
any time they want. Ah!
Fine. I'll let them go.
(SINGING OPERA)
Pearl, do you rent or own?
Own what?
Those wings, you angel.
That was fantastic.
That was so incredible.
So, what do you want for dinner?
I was thinking about making us
that lamb and rice you love.
Well, Pearl, what I'd really like
for dinner is, uh, to go out.
Brian, you know I can't do that.
I haven't left this house
in such a long time.
I'm afraid.
I know. But I'll be with you.
(SIGHS) I don't know.
Come on, Pearl.
There's so much you've missed
in the last 30 years.
In fact, allow me to fill you in.
# The sixties brought
the hippie breed
# And decades later,
things have changed indeed
# We lost the values
but we kept the weed
# You've got a lot to see
# The Reagan years
have laid the frame
# For movie stars to play
the White House game
# We're not too far
from voting Feldman-Haim
# You've got a lot to see
# The town of Vegas
has got a different face
# Cos it's a family place
with lots to do
# Where in the '50s,
a man could mingle with scores
# Of all the seediest whores
# Well, now his children can, too
# You heard it from
the canine's mouth
# The country's changed
That is, except the South
# And you'll agree
# No-one really knows,
my dear lady friend
# Just quite how it all will end
# So hurry cos
you've got a lot to see
# The baldness gene
was cause for dread
# But that's a fear
that you can put to bed
# They'll shave your ass
and glue it on your head
# You've got a lot to see
# The PC age has moved the bar
# A word like 'redneck'
is a step too far
# The proper term
is 'country-music star'
# You've got a lot to see
# Our flashy cell phones
make people mumble, "Gee, whiz!
# Look how important he is
His life must rule!"
# You'll get a tumour
# But on your surgery day,
the doc will see it and say
# "Wow! You must really be cool"
(MOBILE PHONES RINGING)
(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)
# There's lots of things
you may have missed
# Like Pee Wee and his famous wrist
# Or Sandy Duncan's
creepy phoney eye
# That awesome ThunderCats cartoon
# Neil Armstrong landing on the moon
# Neil Armstrong?
Wait, was he the trumpet guy?
# So let's go see the USA
# They'll treat you right
unless you're black or gay
# Or Cherokee
# But you can forgive the world
and its flaws
# And follow me there because
# You've still got
a hell of a lot to see
# You've got a lot to see #
Brian, I've missed so much!
I wouldn't be standing here
right now if it wasn't for you!
(GASPS)
She's right in here, sir.
Just tell the disorderly
when you're ready to leave.
Uh, don't you mean the orderly?
No. I mean the disorderly.
That's a little doctor joke
we like to make around here.
We also like Kevin Pollack.
(EKG BEEPING)
Oh, my God, Pearl!
Brian, I don't have much time.
God, I never should have
made you leave the house.
This is all my fault!
(SHUSHES) Don't be
so hard on yourself.
Aside from the truck part,
this was the best day of my life.
I only wish we could have
a little more time together.
We can.
(SIGHS)
(CHIRPING)
(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)
Goodbye, kids.
(EKG FLATLINING)
Goodbye, Pearl.
Hey, who wants to see a dead body?
Rough week, huh?
I've seen better.
Hey, Brian, looks like
somebody's checking you out.
Nah. I'm not ready yet.
Hey, you're getting
some looks yourself.
Uh, I'm not ready either.
subtitles by Deluxe
.
# Is violence in movies
and sex on TV
# But where are those
good old-fashioned values
# On which we used to rely?
ALL: # Lucky there's a family guy
# Lucky there's a man who
positively can do
# All the things that make us
# Laugh and cry
# He's a family guy #
So, uh, tell me
about yourself, Tina.
Well, I really love music.
Oh, God! Me, too!
You know, I just saw Don Giovanni -
in my opinion, the best opera of
the 18th century. Definitely.
And the use of
recitative throughout...
(STAMMERS) Mozart was a genius.
Oh, yeah.
(STAMMERS) Recitative is really,
you know, where it's at.
Sir, are we ready to order?
Whoa, whoa. Hold on a second.
You have no idea what I'm talking
about, do you? Well, sure I do!
Opera's bitchin'!
Um, OK. I guess I'll have
the Es-cargott
and a glass of Chab-liss.
(SIGHS) Same here.
Es-cargott and the Chab-liss.
(PIANO PLAYING)
Don't dawdle, Jonas.
Play your exercises.
Brian, you're home early.
What happened with your date?
The same thing that always happens.
She was an idiot. Oh, Brian.
Don't slow down, Jonas.
Keep the rhythm.
# Bum-bum-bum-bum...
# Brian, your standards
are ridiculously high
# You'll never find a girl unless
you're willing to make exceptions
# And compromise
so you can find your love
# Lois, I don't think
I have to compromise a thing
# I'd rather be alone
than with someone who doesn't get me
# And how long has the coffee
been on the burner in the kitchen?
# I could really use a cup about now
# Oh, it's not very fresh
You see, I meant to make more
# But I made the mistake of getting
caught up watching Oprah
# She had on James Garner
# James Garner? What's he plugging?
# I don't know,
some crappy movie on TNT #
Very good, Jonas.
I'll see you next week.
So, what is it, Brian?
You don't think these women
understand you...
Lois, I'm really not comfortable
talking about this a-melodically.
Peter, I was wondering
if you could... Shh. Hang on.
Hang on a second, Lois.
TV ANNOUNCER: And now back to
The Life and Times of Grizzly Adams.
Um, Grizzly?
Who's Steve? What?
Uh, there's a message on the machine
from somebody named Steve.
Oh, yeah, Steve, um...
He's, uh, new to the mountain.
I met him down at the general store.
He makes canoes.
Oh.
How come I've never met him?
Mm, he hasn't really
been here that long.
Long enough to get your number.
Ben! Ben!
(DOOR SLAMS)
Dammit.
Look at that Grizzly Adams, huh?
Look how confident he is,
how majestic.
Lois, I'm gonna grow a beard.
Oh, Peter, you know I hate beards.
Oh, no. Lois, it's time I joined
the ranks of great men with beards.
Why do you think
Jesus Christ was so popular, huh?
Cos of all them magic tricks?
Listen, Brian's very depressed.
Can you and the guys take him with
you to the laser rock show tonight?
Yeah, sure.
Hey, I'm good at cheering people up.
Mr and Mrs Ramsey,
JonBenet's untimely death
is a tragedy.
And I will not rest
until I find her killer, or killers.
Oh, really...
Don't bother. Nothing's going
to bring our baby back.
No, no. No, I insist.
I will make it my life's work
to find out...
We're fine! Just drop it!
ANNOUNCER: The next laser rock show
will begin in 20 minutes.
You hear that, Brian?
A laser rock show!
Come on, cheer up, would you?
(SIGHS) I don't much feel like it.
Binary code is
the language of computers
in which words are translated into
sequences of zeroes and ones.
Anything at all
can be expressed in binary,
as we demonstrate in this famous
scene from The Miracle Worker.
Zero one, one zero, one zero,
zero one.
(MUFFLED SPEECH)
Zero, one, one, zero, one, zero,
zero, one!
Zero, one, one, zero, one, zero,
zero, one!
(CHUCKLES) Zero, one!
Zero, one!
What? You don't think
this is amazing?
When I saw this at
the 1904 World's Fair,
I nearly crapped my pants!
All right! Virtual reality!
Whoa! You guys gotta try this!
Hey, look at me!
I'm a pole in a strip club!
Oh!
(BELL RINGING)
It's show time.
Oh! Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, oh!
Hey, stop! False alarm! Oh! Ah!
Oh, my God! I'm flying.
I'm flying!
Yes. I'll have a diet Sprite.
# THREE DOG NIGHT: One
# One is the loneliest number
that you'll ever do
# Two can be as bad as one
# It's the loneliest number
since the number one #
You are a filthy whore.
(SIGHS)
OK, Johnny Depp or Richard Grieco?
Oh, that's gross.
Yeah, let's not do this.
Come on. If you're secure
in your masculinity,
you can answer
a simple hypothetical.
Oh, all right. Johnny Depp
cos he kind of looks
like a chick, I guess.
What about you, Peter?
Oh, man!
Uh, well, I don't know.
Richard Grieco would probably
appreciate you more,
you know, not take you for granted.
I mean, with Johnny Depp,
it's like he wouldn't really
need you, you know?
He'd probably sneak out
after you fell asleep.
Of course, with Johnny
you'd get the financial security.
I'd go with Johnny.
(SIREN BLARING)
Oh, great.
Brian?
Uh, hey, hey, Joe.
How's it going?
Pretty good.
You were doing
a little swerving back there.
Yeah. Yeah, well, you know,
me and the boys were just, uh...
Whoa! You're off the meter, Brian.
You're under arrest.
Oh, come on!
Move it!
Hey, one of you guys
all right to drive?
Um, yeah. I can do it.
(CANS CLATTERING)
Great. I'll meet you at
The Drunken Clam.
We'll tie one on.
I'm very disappointed in you.
God, a DUI. I can't believe this.
I could actually go to jail!
It's OK, Brian.
You'll get through this DUI.
And you'll be a better person
for it. Now, hold on a minute!
Don't disguise his alcohol
dependence as a ticket
to self-realisation!
Look, you're not one to talk,
all right?
You remember that time I gave you
apple juice and told you
it was wine?
(SLURRING)
I think you are a special person.
Thanks. No, come on!
I'm being...I'm being serious.
I want to be serious here
for a second!
Are you gonna...
Are you gonna listen to me?
Are you gonna listen to me
so I can tell you
that I respect you?
(GLASS SHATTERS)
(LAUGHING)
Now, Brian,
I know this is a bad time for you.
And if I have any advice to give you,
it is this.
Grow a beard.
Peter, I wish you'd shave
that thing. Beards are so ugly.
Hey! Oh, relax, Wooly Willy.
There's lots of fun things
you can do with that.
There we go. Thanks!
On the charge of driving
under the influence,
this court finds you guilty.
(GASPS) Yes!
(SING-SONG) Good call.
Churn the butter. Ooh, ooh!
(SIGHS)
In lieu of jail time, I sentence you
to 100 hours of community service.
Next item.
Dearly beloved, we are gathered here
to join these two in holy matrimony.
If anyone objects to this union,
speak now or forever hold your peace.
Quiet down! You had your chance!
So, what do you have to do
for your community service?
(SIGHS) I got assigned to
Outreach to the Elderly.
I gotta take care of an old woman
who hasn't been out of her house
in 30 years.
When I got caught at school
with my hand down my pants,
I had to keep it there
for a whole week.
Ha! What a week!
I don't know. I guess
taking care of this old woman
will be like baby-sitting
with bigger diapers.
Ah-ha!
So they do make bigger diapers!
That deceitful woman told me
I'd have to learn to use the toilet.
Well, fie on the toilet!
It's made slaves of you all.
I've seen it sitting in there,
lazy, slothful porcelain layabout
feeding on other people's doo-doos
while contributing
nothing of its own to society!
You get a job!
(DOORBELL DINGS)
Uh, Pearl Burton?
(STAMMERS) My name's Brian.
I'm here from the Outreach to
the Elderly programme? You're late!
(UNLOCKING DOOR)
Aagh! What the hell is this?
De-lousing powder!
Everyone on the outside is filthy!
You could have given me
some warning. Here's your warning.
It's gonna burn like hell
in 30 seconds.
I like my tea at 4:00,
my dinner at 6:00.
I take my bath at 7:00 sharp
so I can listen to Paul Harvey.
You'll warm my bath water
with bursts from the faucet
during commercials only.
It'll take you a while to
get the rhythm. Harvey moves
seamlessly into commercials.
By the way, it's been 30 seconds.
(SCREAMING)
Peter, stop scratching that thing.
I can't. It's itching like crazy.
Dad, can I scratch your beard?
Have you finished your homework? Yes.
OK, then.
(LAUGHING)
Brian, you've been awfully quiet.
Is the community service not going
that well? Lois, it's horrible.
I was cleaning her house all day.
It's the worst job I've ever had.
Well, except for one.
Uh, excuse me.
Would you like to taste
my smoked meat log?
Here you go. Enjoy your food.
Enjoy your studio apartment.
Peter, you got something right here.
Where, here?
No, no. Other side.
Over here?
The left side, Peter.
Right here?
Your other left side, Peter.
Up a little.
Do I have it?
Is it gone?
Now go down.
(SCREAMING)
(SQUAWKING)
Is it gone?
Ah! Get it off! Get it off!
Get it off!
Peter, hold still! Hold still!
Wait! Don't touch that bird!
Eh, what's it to you, pal?
I'm Dr Goodman of
the Quahog Ornithological Society,
ironically dining in a restaurant
that exclusively serves poultry.
Doctor, what is this?
Oh, it's a very rare species.
The endangered White-Rumped Swallow.
(LAUGHS) "Rump."
This isn't funny, Chris!
(LAUGHS) "Swallow."
Look! Just get rid
of this bird, all right?
Unfortunately, I can't do that.
Once the swallow has chosen
its nesting place,
it's illegal to disturb it.
But he can't walk around
with a bird in his beard.
I'm sorry. You have to wait until
the bird departs of its own accord,
or you'll be prosecuted
to the full extent of the law.
Wow! You sure know a lot of stuff.
It's great to learn.
ALL: Cos knowledge is power!
(SLURPS)
(SPITS) What is this? Spit soup?
Tomato bisque.
What is this? Snot soup?
Tomato bisque!
What is this? Diarrhoea soup?
I'm not making you anything else,
so just eat it, all right?
Fine!
Then I'll have to call the judge.
And that means you'll go to jail!
You're one phone call away from
getting a human booster shot
from a guy named Mali.
Ugh.
(HORROR MOVIE PLAYING)
Damn it all!
(SHUSHING)
Sorry! Sorry!
(SQUAWKING)
MAN 1: Hey, shut up!
MAN 2: Keep it down.
There's nothing I can do.
MAN 1: Take it outside!
WOMAN: Have you
ever heard of a sitter?
Look, it's an endangered species.
What am I supposed to...?
I'll make you an endangered species!
Good comeback, Potsie!
I'll kick your ass,
that's what I'll do!
(ALL CLAMOUR)
Everybody just shut up!
He has stopped squawking.
He has receded into my beard.
We can all watch the movie. Shut up.
MAN 3: Eric, if you're in here,
we're all going to Marty's
after the movie.
Ah! I love you so much.
I love you, too, honey.
(SQUAWKS)
Aah!
What's wrong?
Aah!
(ALL SCREAMING)
Oh, that's it. You're history, pal.
No bird Frenches my wife
and gets away with it!
PEARL: Help! Help!
I've broken my hip!
Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow!
Brian!
5.3 seconds.
I could have been dead by now!
What? You mean you're not really...?
I heard you drop
that light bulb, too.
That'll be 67 cents!
Now go warm me up
some of that diarrhoea soup.
That's it!
I have had it with you, you old hag!
You're just a miserable
dried-up shut-in
trying to make everyone else
feel as bad as you do!
Why don't you do the world
a big favour and drop dead?
Uh, this last one won't open.
Oh, jiggle it a little bit.
Like... Like this?
Nah. Here, let me get it.
Oh, thanks.
And, uh, you know, drop dead.
(LOUD ROCK MUSIC PLATING)
Get out of my beard,
you squawking bastard!
(SIGHS)
Nothing.
Well, I was hoping
it wouldn't come to this.
Oh, my God, Peter, no!
(BOTH GRUNTING)
Lois, the bird must die!
It's gone! It's gone!
Oh, thank God!
(BIRDS CHIRPING)
Peter, what's that sound?
Oh, my God! They're babies.
Hey, look, Lois. There are
three of them, just like ours.
And, uh... Um...
Sweet.
ANNOUNCER: We now return to
E's Mysteries and Scandals.
Pearl Burton, the Jingle Queen.
Pearl?
I'm AJ Benza.
You won't find Pearl Burton's name
on the Hollywood Walk of Fame.
Yet from 1945 to 1960,
you couldn't turn on a radio or
television without hearing
one of her trademark jingles.
PEARL: # You're only healthy
when you're tan
# So soak up all the sun you can
# With Copper Coppertone #
At her peak, Pearl Burton
earned 26 grand a year,
which by today's standards would be
just under $49 billion.
Brian, she's beautiful.
Yeah. And that voice. I had no idea.
In 1961, Pearl used an appearance
at Carnegie Hall
to make the leap from
jingle-singer to artist.
(SINGING OPERA)
That's Habanera from Carmen.
Oh, I've never heard it
sung so beautifully.
Sing Coppertone!
Yeah, Coppertone!
Do Doan's Pills!
Sing Gold Bond Medicated Powder!
Pepsodent!
Chiclets!
Cheez Whiz!
No one has seen Pearl Burton
since that fateful night
over 30 years ago.
She's presumed dead.
My God!
And I said all those
awful things to her!
(GASPS) Pearl!
Oh, come on, Pearl. Don't do this!
You should be happy.
I'm taking your advice
and doing the world a big favour.
Now move!
Your fur is making my feet sweat.
Pearl, listen to me.
I heard you sing.
It was the most beautiful sound
I've ever heard in my life.
Oh, sure. Warbling for Vicks VapoRub
and Dippity-Do!
No. No, Pearl. I mean...
Oh, stop trying to
talk me out of it!
I'm a pathetic sell-out!
No-one who sings Carmen
like you is pathetic.
What? I heard you sing Habanera.
You were sublime.
You...you liked my aria?
I was overwhelmed.
You're the first person who ever
complimented my Habanera.
Thank you.
Well, I'd... I had better get going.
I'll, uh, I'll see you tomorrow.
But you're not scheduled tomorrow.
I know.
(GAGGING)
(CHIRPING)
(SLURPING)
And then the cow came out
of the barn. (BIRDS CHIRPING)
See? See, look. There's the cow.
And what does a cow say?
(CHIRPING)
Yes!
Yes, that's right.
A cow says, "Peep-peep-peep-peep."
You know, Peter,
they're getting awfully big. So?
So every good mother knows
when it's time for her babies
to leave the nest.
Hey, they're free to go
any time they want. Ah!
Fine. I'll let them go.
(SINGING OPERA)
Pearl, do you rent or own?
Own what?
Those wings, you angel.
That was fantastic.
That was so incredible.
So, what do you want for dinner?
I was thinking about making us
that lamb and rice you love.
Well, Pearl, what I'd really like
for dinner is, uh, to go out.
Brian, you know I can't do that.
I haven't left this house
in such a long time.
I'm afraid.
I know. But I'll be with you.
(SIGHS) I don't know.
Come on, Pearl.
There's so much you've missed
in the last 30 years.
In fact, allow me to fill you in.
# The sixties brought
the hippie breed
# And decades later,
things have changed indeed
# We lost the values
but we kept the weed
# You've got a lot to see
# The Reagan years
have laid the frame
# For movie stars to play
the White House game
# We're not too far
from voting Feldman-Haim
# You've got a lot to see
# The town of Vegas
has got a different face
# Cos it's a family place
with lots to do
# Where in the '50s,
a man could mingle with scores
# Of all the seediest whores
# Well, now his children can, too
# You heard it from
the canine's mouth
# The country's changed
That is, except the South
# And you'll agree
# No-one really knows,
my dear lady friend
# Just quite how it all will end
# So hurry cos
you've got a lot to see
# The baldness gene
was cause for dread
# But that's a fear
that you can put to bed
# They'll shave your ass
and glue it on your head
# You've got a lot to see
# The PC age has moved the bar
# A word like 'redneck'
is a step too far
# The proper term
is 'country-music star'
# You've got a lot to see
# Our flashy cell phones
make people mumble, "Gee, whiz!
# Look how important he is
His life must rule!"
# You'll get a tumour
# But on your surgery day,
the doc will see it and say
# "Wow! You must really be cool"
(MOBILE PHONES RINGING)
(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)
# There's lots of things
you may have missed
# Like Pee Wee and his famous wrist
# Or Sandy Duncan's
creepy phoney eye
# That awesome ThunderCats cartoon
# Neil Armstrong landing on the moon
# Neil Armstrong?
Wait, was he the trumpet guy?
# So let's go see the USA
# They'll treat you right
unless you're black or gay
# Or Cherokee
# But you can forgive the world
and its flaws
# And follow me there because
# You've still got
a hell of a lot to see
# You've got a lot to see #
Brian, I've missed so much!
I wouldn't be standing here
right now if it wasn't for you!
(GASPS)
She's right in here, sir.
Just tell the disorderly
when you're ready to leave.
Uh, don't you mean the orderly?
No. I mean the disorderly.
That's a little doctor joke
we like to make around here.
We also like Kevin Pollack.
(EKG BEEPING)
Oh, my God, Pearl!
Brian, I don't have much time.
God, I never should have
made you leave the house.
This is all my fault!
(SHUSHES) Don't be
so hard on yourself.
Aside from the truck part,
this was the best day of my life.
I only wish we could have
a little more time together.
We can.
(SIGHS)
(CHIRPING)
(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)
Goodbye, kids.
(EKG FLATLINING)
Goodbye, Pearl.
Hey, who wants to see a dead body?
Rough week, huh?
I've seen better.
Hey, Brian, looks like
somebody's checking you out.
Nah. I'm not ready yet.
Hey, you're getting
some looks yourself.
Uh, I'm not ready either.
subtitles by Deluxe
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