Family Guy (1998–…): Season 21, Episode 12 - Episode #21.12 - full transcript
Okay, kids, remember,
it's Father's Day,
which is the one day a year
we have to pretend your
dad's annoying habits
are charming quirks.
Here it comes, we get to watch
him remove his mouth guard.
Good morning, family.
Let's see if I can break
the nine-inch
saliva string record.
There it is, nine inches.
Peter, that's two inches.
Saliva starts at
the taint, Lois.
You always measure
from the wrong place.
- Brian?
- Thank you.
I'll just take that to
the nibbling corner.
Mmm.
Happy Father's Day, Dad.
Okay, Peter, we have a
special present for you this year.
We thought you could
have the whole day
- to yourself...
- Yes!
To do the Father's
Day scavenger hunt
I organized with
the other wives.
No!
No! No!
No! No!
What was that?
My inner Al Pacino.
Everybody has one.
- I don't.
- Sure you do.
Since it's Father's Day,
you have to do that thing
in bed with me tonight.
No!
Huh, son of a bitch.
Anyway, I thought a
scavenger hunt would be fun.
Dads don't want
fun on Father's Day.
They want to put their
hand down their pants,
and watch a guy
from a weird country
win a golf tournament.
Who's ready to scavenger hunt?
I'll be your guide today.
Hop on and, uh, please
excuse the clutter.
I'm kind of Nomadland
-ing it in this thing.
Can I move this bucket?
I wouldn't move or
open any buckets.
Now, I'm gonna put on
a microphone headset
even though I'm
mere feet from you.
Let's open that first clue
and start pedaling.
This is very hard.
Yeah, it's usually bachelorette
parties on these things,
so they mostly run on "woos!"
"Kids grow up so fast.
"Luckily, we are there for them
"when they need
that extra support.
This is where you
bought Meg's first bra."
At Goodwill.
Oh, that's where I
got Junior's first bra.
Happy Father's Day, Daddy.
A bunch of grabby
fellas at the mall
thought he was... Lizzo.
Did you really buy
Meg's first bra here?
I didn't think they
were allowed to sell
used underwear products.
They do, there's just a
special way you have to ask.
- Hi.
- Hi.
I'm looking for, um...
uh...
In a garbage bag
behind the lamps.
Thank you.
I found it.
What's it say?
"Everybody's heard
about this bird.
"The next clue can be
found where he coops up.
But don't worry, I'm not
talking about his coupons."
Sounds like the
Giant Chicken's house.
This is where the
Giant Chicken lives?
It's amazing.
How's he so rich?
His family got into the
telecom game early.
They laid all the fiber
from here to Barrington.
Chickens did that?
Quahog actually
has five of the top 15
richest chickens in the world.
I did a whole episode
about it on my podcast,
The Hidden Gems of Quahog.
I didn't know you had a podcast.
Well, you have to ask
questions to get answers, Peter.
Or as I say to my listeners,
"Ask and you shall Joe-ceive."
Is that supposed to
rhyme? Because it doesn't.
Hey, you're Joe from Joe's Gold.
That's right. You
want an autograph?
No, I just want to say
your HelloFresh promo
code doesn't work.
- Oh, did you type it in all caps?
- Yes.
- Joe's Gold. All caps.
- Yes.
It's got to be
something on their end.
Hmm, I called them.
They said it's your end.
And you did all caps?
We have reached
our final destination.
I do accept tips,
and I also offer them:
Do not become a
high school principal.
We made it, guys.
Looks like the last clue
is on that fence over there.
"Congratulations on finishing
"your Father's Day
scavenger hunt.
You have earned your big gift."
"You are now the proud sponsor
of a rescue sheep
on the ranch..."
- Oh, no.
- Happy Father's Day.
Where we going to
dinner? "Baa-ja" Fresh?
I'll be keeping the sheep.
What the hell is he doing?
He's doing
what he does every Father's Day.
Waiting to shoot his dad.
Every year he stands
under that there clocktower
at high noon, waiting to
duel his father, Old West,
who abandoned the
family to become an outlaw.
It was a promise he made to
himself when he was just a boy,
a promise his mother asked
him to keep on her deathbed.
"Pain for pain," she said.
So, every year, Wild
West waits right there
for his father to show,
but every year...
his father never does.
His mouth is very wet.
Hmm. Well, if he's
just waiting there,
now seems like a good time
to ask him some
chit-chatty questions.
Hey. Hi.
Heard about your
dad. Crazy stuff.
I don't have time
for pleasantries.
Totally get it. Hey, you
run a small business.
I'm looking for a
new paper shredder.
I can never find one that
lasts. Any recommendations?
Are you using lubricator sheets?
I've never heard of that.
Buy lubricator sheets.
Use them every 500 pages.
Do you have a brand you use?
- Nuova.
- Muova?
Nuova.
That's what I said. Muova.
It's Nuova with an "N."
- An "M?"
- An "N."
N-N?
Just spell it?
I'll write it down.
"N."
Hello, son.
Dad.
Fathers and sons
have one of the trickier
relationships, historically.
We talk about that
all the time on the pod.
Hey, you're Joe from Joe's Gold.
Guilty as charged.
Your HelloFresh promo
code doesn't work.
We don't have any
sponsors, I just made that up.
What kind of a man
shoots another man
when he's not looking?
You ambushed me.
A real man is always
ready for an ambush.
Besides, I shot you in a limb.
That's how cowboys
show affection.
The Chris Brown
defense. Not great.
Are you sure you don't want
us to call a doctor, Mayor West?
That wound looks pretty gnarly.
I got some Minions
Band-Aids if you want.
Just not Stuart, or Bob.
Kevin's kind of hilarious, too.
You know what, I rescind
my Minions Band-Aid offer.
Look, son, I didn't
come here to quarrel.
I came here to
make things right.
You lost the right
to make amends
the day you walked
out on me and Ma.
Thankfully, Allen was there
to pick up the pieces
of our shattered lives.
Now, Wild, I do not want
your blood sugar to get too low,
so look what I brought
you. A juice box.
Oh, look who's
here. Hello, Old West.
Allen. I see you still
got the Civic running.
Oh, yeah. You know, every year
the dealership calls, asking
me if I want to trade up,
but I tell them I just need
to get from "A" to "B,"
and I always do, thanks to "C."
You know, "C" is the Civic.
Right, I got that.
I think it's best if you leave.
Don't let the door hit you
in the ass on the way out.
Why? Do people get
hit in the ass with it a lot?
It's just an expression.
Oh. I'm kind of worried
about this door now, though.
Just leave.
Where did our bike go?
Sorry, it's gone. Sold
it to a guy on Craigslist.
It looks like you got
viciously assaulted.
Yeah. That's Craigslist.
How we gonna get back home?
I don't know, but I already
bummed a ride with Allen.
Hey-hey-hey!
Hope you're okay with a
little dog hair on the seats.
Oh, Allen, I'm okay
with all kinds of hair.
Well, what are we
supposed to do now?
I could give you a lift.
I'm already headed
in that direction,
but I'm afraid we're
gonna have to leave
your mangled man behind.
He'll only slow us down.
It'll be dark soon.
You're gonna need this.
There's six bullets in there.
Five for prey, one for yourself.
We'll tell your
wife you love her.
Nah, that's okay.
Well, here we are.
Peter, I was wondering
if you'd maybe
let me set up camp
here for the night?
Oh, boy. Nothing
free is ever free.
Well, I don't see why not.
Let me go ask
my wife if it's okay.
Hey, Lois, can my
friend stay over tonight?
What? Who?
My cowboy friend.
- No.
- Please?
No. You can't keep
coming home with things.
- I don't.
- This is the iguana all over again.
- This isn't the iguana.
- I always end up
- having to take care of them.
- His skin is very similar to the iguana,
- but it's not the iguana.
- No.
Please? I
think we could have fun.
I don't care what you think.
The answer is no.
It's not fair. Please?
I said, "No."
She said backyard's fine.
Now, I have to say,
I was a little hesitant
to let you stay here,
but you've been a
very considerate guest.
Every time I stand
up, you stand,
take your hat off,
and say, "Ma'am."
Ma'am.
Ma'am.
Ma...
am.
You know, I can't understand
why Mayor West wouldn't
want you in his life.
- It's a long story.
- How long?
My daddy was an outlaw,
just like his daddy, and
his daddy before him.
"The end." Not so long.
They raised me to be the same.
After Wild was born, I...
I tried getting honest work.
Tried to go straight.
I auditioned for
America's Got Talent,
but no one appreciates
jumping in and out
of a spinning lasso anymore.
When that didn't work out,
I turned to the
only life I knew:
robbing and stealing.
Wild never forgave
me for abandoning him.
How'd you get that
scar on your face?
I got this scar working a heist.
A member of my posse
got pinned down by gunfire
and I went back to save him.
When you work a
job with someone,
you never leave
another man behind.
You know what I think?
With a little domestication,
you'd make a good dad.
Why don't you stay with us
and I can help you
win your son back?
Oh, that sounds swell.
Mind if I shoot my pistol
in the air to celebrate?
Oh, boy, this is gonna turn
into a mess on Nextdoor.
Are you sure this whole
getup is necessary, Peter?
I feel a little foolish.
It's the perfect dad uniform.
The free Marriott polo shirt
tells everyone that you're
handsy when you're drunk,
the jean shorts
say you're impotent,
and the sunglasses say
you stormed the Capitol.
That was a peaceful protest.
Yeah, it's not like they were
kneeling at a football game.
On a Sunday.
Anyway, now you look like a
man who's ready to be a dad.
In fact, my son was
having a problem
that maybe a good dad
could help him solve.
There's a girl I like at school,
and I'm not sure if
she likes me back.
Now here's what you should do:
You take out a
hefty silver dollar,
and you drop it in her corset.
If it's meant to be,
she'll accept you
in a room full of
distractingly floral wallpaper.
If not, she'll stab
you in the liver
with your own boot knife.
That's how I met my Pearl.
I think you're ready.
When Mayor West sees you now,
he's gonna know you're
serious about being his dad.
Thank you for all
your help, Peter.
You make a good partner,
and I want you to
have something.
It's the dried hand
of a Paiute I
found in the desert.
It's very important to me,
and now it's yours.
Is-is this a way to break
some kind of curse on you?
You need to make
the decision to take it.
Yeah, m-maybe just
leave it on the ground.
It doesn't work like...
It'll just wind up
back in my pocket.
Yeah, I'm gonna pass.
Well, looks like someone thinks
a shave and a haircut
means he's a changed man.
Son, I don't know how much
time I have left in this world.
Because of the cursed hand?
That does add to the stress.
I just want to make
things right between us.
I don't buy it,
and I'm gonna do to you
what should have been
done a long time ago.
You're under arrest
for shooting the mayor.
You ambushed me.
A real man is always
ready for an ambush.
And a man also knows
how to get out of an ambush.
Hmm.
Don't you have to work today?
No, I work on Thursday.
Uh, dude? Today is Thursday.
Dang it.
Forgot my phone.
I should have never
listened to you, Peter.
If I had my gun, I would
have gotten out of this.
I was only trying to help.
You want to help?
Take this Paiute hand
and put it in a safe place.
Oh, okay, yeah, I
can... Oh, wait a minute.
And I reckon you're
pretty happy with yourself,
getting your father
arrested like this.
I reckon you have no
right to reckon about
what I'm reckoning about.
That's where you're wrong.
I reckon I can reckon
about what I reckon please.
I reckon you should
check yourself
before you reckon yourself.
I reckon you know I always
come in like a reckon ball.
That Miley?
I reckon it is.
I don't agree with all the
piercings and haircuts,
but she's got one
hell of a voice.
A hell of a voice.
Joe, you can't arrest him.
He shot the mayor, Peter.
Plus, he's got multiple
warrants in multiple states.
Yeah, I know, he really
messed up. Like David Geffen.
What the hell was that?
Yeah, David Geffen
paid us $10 million
not to do the cutaway.
Huh. Was it bad?
I'm not allowed to say
as part of the settlement.
All I will say is from
film, to music, to politics,
no one has been more
influential than David Geffen.
What's the matter, Peter?
Ah, I don't know,
I just feel bad
about what happened
with Old West.
It's my fault he got arrested.
He's probably gonna die in jail
without ever making
up with his son.
Well, I know how painful it is
to see a man you've known
for 18 hours in distress,
but you've got
to let it go, Peter.
I can't do that. Old
West and I were partners,
and he taught me that when
you work a job with someone,
you never leave a man behind.
We got to form a
posse and break him out.
- I'm in.
- Let's do this.
Yeah.
It's the "Glam Guys."
All right, let's go
rock Wilson Phillips
and then do the posse thing.
Where's your horse?
It's very hard to get
a horse last-minute.
You should have
called last night.
I did. You all got
the last horses.
The guy was totally
overwhelmed on the phone.
He yelled at me.
All right, Peter,
what's the plan?
I thought you guys were
gonna have the plan.
I formed the posse.
Yeah, those usually go together.
All right, let's brainstorm.
How do we fool the police
into breaking someone
out of a jail cell?
Trojan Bosch.
Oh, no way, Harry
Bosch. My favorite TV cop.
I have so many
questions for you.
How's L.A.? You ever meet
Richard Dean Anderson?
He lives in L.A., right?
Where does he live?
Um, hey, settle a
bet for me, Bosch.
In all those scenes where
you're in Italian restaurants,
is it true you're
eating real spaghetti?
Shut up.
I knew it was real spaghetti.
All right, I'm gonna go
get us some coffees.
You mind holding
down the fort for a sec?
Thanks, Bosch.
Real spaghetti. Wow.
He's gone. Everybody
out the black jeans door.
Straight flush.
You got to strip.
What about tonight?
What?
Oh, did you say, "I'm never
gonna get out of here?"
No, I was telling my
horse to get naked.
Oh. Oh, well-well, we're
breaking you out tonight.
I'm surprised you
came back for me.
You taught me to never
leave another man behind.
I didn't think you'd remember.
I associate you with guns,
guns make me think of war,
Vietnam was a war,
and N.A.M. is "Never
Abandon Man."
I-I don't need to
hear the process.
Allen, you came.
Of course I did.
And I think margs
are gonna be on you
after this adventure, huh?
I don't drink that.
Okay, we'll figure
something out.
Everyone wanted to help.
We even got a member of
your original posse to show up.
The Melanoma Kid.
I wouldn't miss it...
for the world.
That's a guy?
I thought it was
a big autumn leaf.
Sorry, Bosch,
we ran out of milk,
so I put in a dollop
of cream cheese.
Had to stir a lot, so...
Tell me about your hooker mom.
What was that like?
What the hell happened
in here, Bosch?
Wait a minute.
Frozen expression,
painted-on clothes,
open ass door.
We've been Trojan Bosched again.
Looks like Daddy West
is flying the coop again.
You keep eating
apples like that, Caleb,
you're gonna get diarrhea.
I think we lost them.
Pretty sure my
Chapstick fell out.
Almost certain of it.
I'm gonna need you boys
to turn right back around.
Mayor West, we
broke him out for you.
Can't you see he wants
to make things right?
There's only one person
he's ever cared about,
and it's himself.
He's done walking out of
towns consequence-free.
I knew once I broke out
that I'd see you again.
Maybe I do deserve
to spend my remaining
days in a jail cell.
And I'll let you take me,
but not until I say
what I have to say.
Say it, then. Why'd
you leave us?
Because if I stayed,
you would have grown up
to be just like your father,
a lonely, loveless,
no-good outlaw.
I wanted you to be a better
man than I ever could be.
And look at you now.
Tell me it didn't work.
Aw, hell, Daddy.
Happy Father's Day.
I never want to see you again.
You never will.
Where you gonna go now?
I have another son in Utah
who wants to shoot
me on the Fourth of July.
I'll probably head
that way. So long.
Goodbye, Old West.
Well, I spy a group of guys
that could use a frosty
mug of root beer at the A&W.
You know, Mayor
West, you're pretty lucky
to have a stepdad like Allen.
Yeah. Aside from not
believing in vaccines,
- he's a pretty cool guy.
- Oh.
I sure am gonna miss Old West.
He taught me a
lot about friendship
and what it means to be a dad.
Like what? What
did he teach you?
I-I don't know. Cowboy stuff?
I didn't realize there
was gonna be a quiz.
Well, it's probably time
to hang this up, huh, Dad?
Yep, I suppose so.
"The David
Geffen Living Room?"
What... What is this?
Oh, the lawyers said since
he gave us $10 million,
he's contractually entitled
to have his name
on a part of the house.
That doesn't seem fair.
I know, such rich guy bull crap.
But we'll have
to continue this conversation
on next week's episode
of David Geffen's Family Guy.
- What?
- David Geffen good night.
it's Father's Day,
which is the one day a year
we have to pretend your
dad's annoying habits
are charming quirks.
Here it comes, we get to watch
him remove his mouth guard.
Good morning, family.
Let's see if I can break
the nine-inch
saliva string record.
There it is, nine inches.
Peter, that's two inches.
Saliva starts at
the taint, Lois.
You always measure
from the wrong place.
- Brian?
- Thank you.
I'll just take that to
the nibbling corner.
Mmm.
Happy Father's Day, Dad.
Okay, Peter, we have a
special present for you this year.
We thought you could
have the whole day
- to yourself...
- Yes!
To do the Father's
Day scavenger hunt
I organized with
the other wives.
No!
No! No!
No! No!
What was that?
My inner Al Pacino.
Everybody has one.
- I don't.
- Sure you do.
Since it's Father's Day,
you have to do that thing
in bed with me tonight.
No!
Huh, son of a bitch.
Anyway, I thought a
scavenger hunt would be fun.
Dads don't want
fun on Father's Day.
They want to put their
hand down their pants,
and watch a guy
from a weird country
win a golf tournament.
Who's ready to scavenger hunt?
I'll be your guide today.
Hop on and, uh, please
excuse the clutter.
I'm kind of Nomadland
-ing it in this thing.
Can I move this bucket?
I wouldn't move or
open any buckets.
Now, I'm gonna put on
a microphone headset
even though I'm
mere feet from you.
Let's open that first clue
and start pedaling.
This is very hard.
Yeah, it's usually bachelorette
parties on these things,
so they mostly run on "woos!"
"Kids grow up so fast.
"Luckily, we are there for them
"when they need
that extra support.
This is where you
bought Meg's first bra."
At Goodwill.
Oh, that's where I
got Junior's first bra.
Happy Father's Day, Daddy.
A bunch of grabby
fellas at the mall
thought he was... Lizzo.
Did you really buy
Meg's first bra here?
I didn't think they
were allowed to sell
used underwear products.
They do, there's just a
special way you have to ask.
- Hi.
- Hi.
I'm looking for, um...
uh...
In a garbage bag
behind the lamps.
Thank you.
I found it.
What's it say?
"Everybody's heard
about this bird.
"The next clue can be
found where he coops up.
But don't worry, I'm not
talking about his coupons."
Sounds like the
Giant Chicken's house.
This is where the
Giant Chicken lives?
It's amazing.
How's he so rich?
His family got into the
telecom game early.
They laid all the fiber
from here to Barrington.
Chickens did that?
Quahog actually
has five of the top 15
richest chickens in the world.
I did a whole episode
about it on my podcast,
The Hidden Gems of Quahog.
I didn't know you had a podcast.
Well, you have to ask
questions to get answers, Peter.
Or as I say to my listeners,
"Ask and you shall Joe-ceive."
Is that supposed to
rhyme? Because it doesn't.
Hey, you're Joe from Joe's Gold.
That's right. You
want an autograph?
No, I just want to say
your HelloFresh promo
code doesn't work.
- Oh, did you type it in all caps?
- Yes.
- Joe's Gold. All caps.
- Yes.
It's got to be
something on their end.
Hmm, I called them.
They said it's your end.
And you did all caps?
We have reached
our final destination.
I do accept tips,
and I also offer them:
Do not become a
high school principal.
We made it, guys.
Looks like the last clue
is on that fence over there.
"Congratulations on finishing
"your Father's Day
scavenger hunt.
You have earned your big gift."
"You are now the proud sponsor
of a rescue sheep
on the ranch..."
- Oh, no.
- Happy Father's Day.
Where we going to
dinner? "Baa-ja" Fresh?
I'll be keeping the sheep.
What the hell is he doing?
He's doing
what he does every Father's Day.
Waiting to shoot his dad.
Every year he stands
under that there clocktower
at high noon, waiting to
duel his father, Old West,
who abandoned the
family to become an outlaw.
It was a promise he made to
himself when he was just a boy,
a promise his mother asked
him to keep on her deathbed.
"Pain for pain," she said.
So, every year, Wild
West waits right there
for his father to show,
but every year...
his father never does.
His mouth is very wet.
Hmm. Well, if he's
just waiting there,
now seems like a good time
to ask him some
chit-chatty questions.
Hey. Hi.
Heard about your
dad. Crazy stuff.
I don't have time
for pleasantries.
Totally get it. Hey, you
run a small business.
I'm looking for a
new paper shredder.
I can never find one that
lasts. Any recommendations?
Are you using lubricator sheets?
I've never heard of that.
Buy lubricator sheets.
Use them every 500 pages.
Do you have a brand you use?
- Nuova.
- Muova?
Nuova.
That's what I said. Muova.
It's Nuova with an "N."
- An "M?"
- An "N."
N-N?
Just spell it?
I'll write it down.
"N."
Hello, son.
Dad.
Fathers and sons
have one of the trickier
relationships, historically.
We talk about that
all the time on the pod.
Hey, you're Joe from Joe's Gold.
Guilty as charged.
Your HelloFresh promo
code doesn't work.
We don't have any
sponsors, I just made that up.
What kind of a man
shoots another man
when he's not looking?
You ambushed me.
A real man is always
ready for an ambush.
Besides, I shot you in a limb.
That's how cowboys
show affection.
The Chris Brown
defense. Not great.
Are you sure you don't want
us to call a doctor, Mayor West?
That wound looks pretty gnarly.
I got some Minions
Band-Aids if you want.
Just not Stuart, or Bob.
Kevin's kind of hilarious, too.
You know what, I rescind
my Minions Band-Aid offer.
Look, son, I didn't
come here to quarrel.
I came here to
make things right.
You lost the right
to make amends
the day you walked
out on me and Ma.
Thankfully, Allen was there
to pick up the pieces
of our shattered lives.
Now, Wild, I do not want
your blood sugar to get too low,
so look what I brought
you. A juice box.
Oh, look who's
here. Hello, Old West.
Allen. I see you still
got the Civic running.
Oh, yeah. You know, every year
the dealership calls, asking
me if I want to trade up,
but I tell them I just need
to get from "A" to "B,"
and I always do, thanks to "C."
You know, "C" is the Civic.
Right, I got that.
I think it's best if you leave.
Don't let the door hit you
in the ass on the way out.
Why? Do people get
hit in the ass with it a lot?
It's just an expression.
Oh. I'm kind of worried
about this door now, though.
Just leave.
Where did our bike go?
Sorry, it's gone. Sold
it to a guy on Craigslist.
It looks like you got
viciously assaulted.
Yeah. That's Craigslist.
How we gonna get back home?
I don't know, but I already
bummed a ride with Allen.
Hey-hey-hey!
Hope you're okay with a
little dog hair on the seats.
Oh, Allen, I'm okay
with all kinds of hair.
Well, what are we
supposed to do now?
I could give you a lift.
I'm already headed
in that direction,
but I'm afraid we're
gonna have to leave
your mangled man behind.
He'll only slow us down.
It'll be dark soon.
You're gonna need this.
There's six bullets in there.
Five for prey, one for yourself.
We'll tell your
wife you love her.
Nah, that's okay.
Well, here we are.
Peter, I was wondering
if you'd maybe
let me set up camp
here for the night?
Oh, boy. Nothing
free is ever free.
Well, I don't see why not.
Let me go ask
my wife if it's okay.
Hey, Lois, can my
friend stay over tonight?
What? Who?
My cowboy friend.
- No.
- Please?
No. You can't keep
coming home with things.
- I don't.
- This is the iguana all over again.
- This isn't the iguana.
- I always end up
- having to take care of them.
- His skin is very similar to the iguana,
- but it's not the iguana.
- No.
Please? I
think we could have fun.
I don't care what you think.
The answer is no.
It's not fair. Please?
I said, "No."
She said backyard's fine.
Now, I have to say,
I was a little hesitant
to let you stay here,
but you've been a
very considerate guest.
Every time I stand
up, you stand,
take your hat off,
and say, "Ma'am."
Ma'am.
Ma'am.
Ma...
am.
You know, I can't understand
why Mayor West wouldn't
want you in his life.
- It's a long story.
- How long?
My daddy was an outlaw,
just like his daddy, and
his daddy before him.
"The end." Not so long.
They raised me to be the same.
After Wild was born, I...
I tried getting honest work.
Tried to go straight.
I auditioned for
America's Got Talent,
but no one appreciates
jumping in and out
of a spinning lasso anymore.
When that didn't work out,
I turned to the
only life I knew:
robbing and stealing.
Wild never forgave
me for abandoning him.
How'd you get that
scar on your face?
I got this scar working a heist.
A member of my posse
got pinned down by gunfire
and I went back to save him.
When you work a
job with someone,
you never leave
another man behind.
You know what I think?
With a little domestication,
you'd make a good dad.
Why don't you stay with us
and I can help you
win your son back?
Oh, that sounds swell.
Mind if I shoot my pistol
in the air to celebrate?
Oh, boy, this is gonna turn
into a mess on Nextdoor.
Are you sure this whole
getup is necessary, Peter?
I feel a little foolish.
It's the perfect dad uniform.
The free Marriott polo shirt
tells everyone that you're
handsy when you're drunk,
the jean shorts
say you're impotent,
and the sunglasses say
you stormed the Capitol.
That was a peaceful protest.
Yeah, it's not like they were
kneeling at a football game.
On a Sunday.
Anyway, now you look like a
man who's ready to be a dad.
In fact, my son was
having a problem
that maybe a good dad
could help him solve.
There's a girl I like at school,
and I'm not sure if
she likes me back.
Now here's what you should do:
You take out a
hefty silver dollar,
and you drop it in her corset.
If it's meant to be,
she'll accept you
in a room full of
distractingly floral wallpaper.
If not, she'll stab
you in the liver
with your own boot knife.
That's how I met my Pearl.
I think you're ready.
When Mayor West sees you now,
he's gonna know you're
serious about being his dad.
Thank you for all
your help, Peter.
You make a good partner,
and I want you to
have something.
It's the dried hand
of a Paiute I
found in the desert.
It's very important to me,
and now it's yours.
Is-is this a way to break
some kind of curse on you?
You need to make
the decision to take it.
Yeah, m-maybe just
leave it on the ground.
It doesn't work like...
It'll just wind up
back in my pocket.
Yeah, I'm gonna pass.
Well, looks like someone thinks
a shave and a haircut
means he's a changed man.
Son, I don't know how much
time I have left in this world.
Because of the cursed hand?
That does add to the stress.
I just want to make
things right between us.
I don't buy it,
and I'm gonna do to you
what should have been
done a long time ago.
You're under arrest
for shooting the mayor.
You ambushed me.
A real man is always
ready for an ambush.
And a man also knows
how to get out of an ambush.
Hmm.
Don't you have to work today?
No, I work on Thursday.
Uh, dude? Today is Thursday.
Dang it.
Forgot my phone.
I should have never
listened to you, Peter.
If I had my gun, I would
have gotten out of this.
I was only trying to help.
You want to help?
Take this Paiute hand
and put it in a safe place.
Oh, okay, yeah, I
can... Oh, wait a minute.
And I reckon you're
pretty happy with yourself,
getting your father
arrested like this.
I reckon you have no
right to reckon about
what I'm reckoning about.
That's where you're wrong.
I reckon I can reckon
about what I reckon please.
I reckon you should
check yourself
before you reckon yourself.
I reckon you know I always
come in like a reckon ball.
That Miley?
I reckon it is.
I don't agree with all the
piercings and haircuts,
but she's got one
hell of a voice.
A hell of a voice.
Joe, you can't arrest him.
He shot the mayor, Peter.
Plus, he's got multiple
warrants in multiple states.
Yeah, I know, he really
messed up. Like David Geffen.
What the hell was that?
Yeah, David Geffen
paid us $10 million
not to do the cutaway.
Huh. Was it bad?
I'm not allowed to say
as part of the settlement.
All I will say is from
film, to music, to politics,
no one has been more
influential than David Geffen.
What's the matter, Peter?
Ah, I don't know,
I just feel bad
about what happened
with Old West.
It's my fault he got arrested.
He's probably gonna die in jail
without ever making
up with his son.
Well, I know how painful it is
to see a man you've known
for 18 hours in distress,
but you've got
to let it go, Peter.
I can't do that. Old
West and I were partners,
and he taught me that when
you work a job with someone,
you never leave a man behind.
We got to form a
posse and break him out.
- I'm in.
- Let's do this.
Yeah.
It's the "Glam Guys."
All right, let's go
rock Wilson Phillips
and then do the posse thing.
Where's your horse?
It's very hard to get
a horse last-minute.
You should have
called last night.
I did. You all got
the last horses.
The guy was totally
overwhelmed on the phone.
He yelled at me.
All right, Peter,
what's the plan?
I thought you guys were
gonna have the plan.
I formed the posse.
Yeah, those usually go together.
All right, let's brainstorm.
How do we fool the police
into breaking someone
out of a jail cell?
Trojan Bosch.
Oh, no way, Harry
Bosch. My favorite TV cop.
I have so many
questions for you.
How's L.A.? You ever meet
Richard Dean Anderson?
He lives in L.A., right?
Where does he live?
Um, hey, settle a
bet for me, Bosch.
In all those scenes where
you're in Italian restaurants,
is it true you're
eating real spaghetti?
Shut up.
I knew it was real spaghetti.
All right, I'm gonna go
get us some coffees.
You mind holding
down the fort for a sec?
Thanks, Bosch.
Real spaghetti. Wow.
He's gone. Everybody
out the black jeans door.
Straight flush.
You got to strip.
What about tonight?
What?
Oh, did you say, "I'm never
gonna get out of here?"
No, I was telling my
horse to get naked.
Oh. Oh, well-well, we're
breaking you out tonight.
I'm surprised you
came back for me.
You taught me to never
leave another man behind.
I didn't think you'd remember.
I associate you with guns,
guns make me think of war,
Vietnam was a war,
and N.A.M. is "Never
Abandon Man."
I-I don't need to
hear the process.
Allen, you came.
Of course I did.
And I think margs
are gonna be on you
after this adventure, huh?
I don't drink that.
Okay, we'll figure
something out.
Everyone wanted to help.
We even got a member of
your original posse to show up.
The Melanoma Kid.
I wouldn't miss it...
for the world.
That's a guy?
I thought it was
a big autumn leaf.
Sorry, Bosch,
we ran out of milk,
so I put in a dollop
of cream cheese.
Had to stir a lot, so...
Tell me about your hooker mom.
What was that like?
What the hell happened
in here, Bosch?
Wait a minute.
Frozen expression,
painted-on clothes,
open ass door.
We've been Trojan Bosched again.
Looks like Daddy West
is flying the coop again.
You keep eating
apples like that, Caleb,
you're gonna get diarrhea.
I think we lost them.
Pretty sure my
Chapstick fell out.
Almost certain of it.
I'm gonna need you boys
to turn right back around.
Mayor West, we
broke him out for you.
Can't you see he wants
to make things right?
There's only one person
he's ever cared about,
and it's himself.
He's done walking out of
towns consequence-free.
I knew once I broke out
that I'd see you again.
Maybe I do deserve
to spend my remaining
days in a jail cell.
And I'll let you take me,
but not until I say
what I have to say.
Say it, then. Why'd
you leave us?
Because if I stayed,
you would have grown up
to be just like your father,
a lonely, loveless,
no-good outlaw.
I wanted you to be a better
man than I ever could be.
And look at you now.
Tell me it didn't work.
Aw, hell, Daddy.
Happy Father's Day.
I never want to see you again.
You never will.
Where you gonna go now?
I have another son in Utah
who wants to shoot
me on the Fourth of July.
I'll probably head
that way. So long.
Goodbye, Old West.
Well, I spy a group of guys
that could use a frosty
mug of root beer at the A&W.
You know, Mayor
West, you're pretty lucky
to have a stepdad like Allen.
Yeah. Aside from not
believing in vaccines,
- he's a pretty cool guy.
- Oh.
I sure am gonna miss Old West.
He taught me a
lot about friendship
and what it means to be a dad.
Like what? What
did he teach you?
I-I don't know. Cowboy stuff?
I didn't realize there
was gonna be a quiz.
Well, it's probably time
to hang this up, huh, Dad?
Yep, I suppose so.
"The David
Geffen Living Room?"
What... What is this?
Oh, the lawyers said since
he gave us $10 million,
he's contractually entitled
to have his name
on a part of the house.
That doesn't seem fair.
I know, such rich guy bull crap.
But we'll have
to continue this conversation
on next week's episode
of David Geffen's Family Guy.
- What?
- David Geffen good night.