Family Guy (1998–…): Season 21, Episode 11 - Love Story Guy - full transcript
The guys tell stories of their first true loves.
Sorry I'm late. Had
a family emergency
with, um... I don't know.
I want to say Chris?
Uh, I wasn't
listening super close.
Why don't you sit
down and drink beer
and tell us about it instead of
being home with your family?
Apparently, Chris and
his girlfriend broke up.
Something about her
wanting to see other people.
So the doctor says
this surgery is gonna
restore my eyesight.
What? Oh, no.
"Oh, no"?
But I thought you'd
be happy, Colin Farrell.
Oi, blimey. Uh, get stuffed.
I'm-I'm gonna see other birds.
G-Good day, mate.
Don't look. Don't look. I
think that's Colin Farrell.
And this girl
was his first love.
Poor Chris. He was
sobbing his eyes out
when I abruptly left.
First loves always
hit the hardest.
I'll say. I still remember
my first real love.
Seems like yesterday.
Why, just thinking back
on her makes everything
all shimmery and distorted.
I was working for
Federal Express,
like Tom Hanks in Cast Away.
And just like Tom
Hanks in Cast Away,
I said the words
"Federal Express"
a suspicious number of times.
Excuse me, miss. Asking as
a Federal Express employee,
may I please get a refill
of iced tea very quickly,
the way Federal
Express delivers parcels?
There was only one
thing I loved more
than corporate-branded content,
and that was my
fiancée, Helen Hunt.
Hubba-hubba.
Darn right hubba-hubba.
You know how most
guys want their girlfriends
to look like a pissy bird?
Well, I was living the dream.
You're 17 seconds late.
I am a Federal Express employee
who is very obsessed with time.
Well, that's my fiancé.
Give me a kiss, you
time-obsessed beardless man
who is unable to spear a
fish with a sharpened stick.
Remember
all that stuff for later.
Mm, oh, I can't wait
to do more than kiss.
Only three more
days till the wedding.
Yep. I've got
just one last flight
across the Planecrash
Sea, and then I'm all yours.
Little did I know.
I'll never forget
that fateful day.
Looking back, I
never should have
tried to do two
fantasy football drafts
while flying a plane.
- I ended up with four defenses.
- Ugh!
FE-117,
looks like you
got rough weather.
Maybe you should
just do auto-draft
for your fantasy leagues, over.
Uh, negative, negative, Control.
I am heterosexual, over.
Ha. There's that clean-shaven guy
who cannot spear
a fish with a stick
that we all know and love.
Damn it.
Too bad I'm in an
airplane and can only go
straight into a storm
and not over or around.
Wait, I think the
storm is breaking up.
I was gonna make it, but then
the plane got hit by lightning.
Oh!
And I somehow drafted the punter
Jeff Feagles in
the second round.
Oh!
And it was all over.
I was all alone on
an uncharted island.
What could I do?
Definitely not spear a fish
with a hand-sharpened stick.
'Cause remember, that was
a complete non-starter for me.
If I wanted to make
it back to my Helen,
I'd need to find
a way to survive.
Luckily I had a whole
plane's worth of FedEx parcels
I could open and use.
Oh, please be
food. Please be food.
Oh, thank God, I'm
saved. Peanut brittle.
Aah!
"From Peter Griffin."
Gotcha. Continue.
But then I opened
the most important package of all.
My only friend on the island.
I'm gonna call you
Wilson, after Rita Wilson,
the most beautiful and
talented woman in Hollywood.
The true first lady
of American culture.
I swear, I didn't say all
that stuff just so Tom Hanks
would let us do this movie.
Character development.
I had been on that island
for four years.
Man, I've been on this island
for somewhere between
two and seven years.
I'm not sure which 'cause I'm
no longer obsessed with time.
That's more
character development.
Anyway, all these years later,
I still couldn't get Helen
Hunt out of my mind.
I was going nuts
thinking about her.
Oh, Helen...
Oh come on, get it together.
Think of something else.
Think of anything
besides Helen Hunt.
Oh, almost Helen Hunt.
Enough was enough.
I decided to build a raft
and get back to my beloved.
But what to make
the raft out of?
Got to be something I can use.
What floats? What floats?
Mm, definitely not these
footballs for Tom Brady.
Straight to the bottom.
I wonder.
Aah!
Two for two. Continue.
I was able to float away
on a raft made out
of the giant joke box.
It was me and Wilson and
this one other kind of lame guy.
Boy, you hoist a sail,
then where did the
wind go? Am I right?
I just saw you take
a dump in the ocean.
I'm not really looking to chat.
Days passed.
Wilson and I were all alone.
No drinking water
and no food, except...
Nope, not this time.
Eh, you're
no fun. Continue.
But then disaster struck.
Aah! Aah!
No. No! Wilson!
Eventually I moved on
and largely forgot about Wilson.
Why are you smiling, honey?
Oh, I used to
bone that volleyball.
I don't remember
much after that.
Apparently I was picked
up by some cargo ship.
But then, wouldn't you know it,
the ship got taken
over by Somali pirates.
Look at me. Look at me.
We are doing this movie now.
Then that
Somali pirate did a bunch of stuff
and then nothing
else ever again,
and eventually I got back home.
After years and years away,
it was finally time
to see my Helen.
Oh, my God, you're alive.
I thought about you
every day, Helen.
You're the reason I
stayed alive all these years.
I never stopped loving you.
I'm-I'm sorry.
I got back together
with Paul Reiser.
What?
We did a Mad About You reboot
on Spectrum Originals.
Which just sounds fake.
I mean, did you
watch any of that?
Do you even know anyone who...
I-I... Like, I literally do
not know one person
who saw, like, a
single minute of that.
I'm so sorry.
I was devastated.
Helen was my first true love...
The only woman I ever wanted...
And she had moved on without me.
Fortunately, five years
later, they invented
portable pornography
on telephones,
and I've literally never
thought about her since.
Well, that was a touching
tale of first love, Quagmire.
And I googled Spectrum
Originals, by the way.
Found nothing. Zero matches.
Nothing on Ask Jeeves either,
but they don't always
have everything.
Anyway, I remember
my first love.
It's quite an interesting story.
Okay, guess I'll be
going last tonight.
This was back in the early '60s.
I was working at
a hoity-toity camp
for rich Jewish people.
Are you Jewish in this?
No.
Anyway, this camp
was highly renowned
for offering exclusively
clean dancing.
You are the cleanest
dancer I ever met.
It's why we come
here every year.
But all the while,
I was being watched
by the prettiest
girl in the camp.
Her name was Jennifer Schnozz,
and I saw her everywhere.
Seems like she was always
sniffing around someplace.
Okay.
Daytimes were
reserved for clean dancing,
but at night,
someone would bring
a very large watermelon
to the staff cabin,
and for some reason, that meant
it was time for dirty dancing.
We had booze, sexy music,
and because it was
August by a lake,
lots of mosquitos.
My favorite partner
was Dancy McGee.
She was the best
dancer on the staff,
as you can tell
from this dance party
where she's dancing
neither better nor worse
than anyone on the staff.
But there Jennifer was again,
always with her nose
pressed against the glass,
or anything else she was
standing three feet away from.
Might be going
a bit hard with the nose stuff.
Relax, she's
fine. She got a new one.
It was time to make my move.
Hey, do I know you?
Yeah. We were both in Red Dawn
and we probably had sex on
set and then you dumped me
and now we famously
hate each other.
Oh, yeah, Jennifer.
Well, welcome to
the Poke-a-nose.
That was kind of my
joke around camp.
People loved it,
way better than my
"welcome to the Catskills" bit.
I was not invited
back to that camp.
Joe, come quick! It's Dancy.
What's the matter?
It's-it's my jaw.
It's very clicky.
I th... I think I have TMJ.
- TMJ?
- Oh, no!
I hear that causes
mild discomfort
but doesn't otherwise
interfere with lifestyle.
Of course,
back then, it was illegal
to get jaw surgery.
The only places that would do it
were sketchy, unsafe,
back-alley jaw clinics.
Do you want to keep the TMJ?
Come on, Joe.
I'm single, I'm poor,
I work at a Jewish
camp for tips.
Ugh. Brutal.
What's three percent
of frugal, am I right?
Not the year for it, Peter.
But, Dancy, what about
the big talent show?
Dancy was gonna be my
partner at the camp talent show,
which is the most important
thing in this whole story.
After I get my jaw surgery,
I'm gonna be in
mouth recovery, Joe.
I'm out.
What? Then who am I
supposed to dance with?
Literally any one of
these other women
- we just saw dancing?
- I'll do it.
Ugh.
I know I've never danced before,
but you could teach me.
All right, I'll give you a shot,
but you better not be ticklish
if I touch the
inside of your arm
during dance practice.
Y-Yeah. No, no, that-that
won't be a problem.
This is the I was talking about!
Wow, I guess I'm
just really bad at
you holding me over your
head while I do nothing.
Eh, keep practicing.
You'll get there.
Anyway, I like how you
always seem to drop me
into the one warm spot
in this whole cold lake.
Yeah, and I, uh, I like how
you're at least 18 years old.
Actually, I'm...
I like how you're at
least 18 years old.
Her nickname was "Baby,"
which means over 18 years old.
Anyway, we were
falling in love, but then...
- Joe, come quick! It's Dancy.
- Again?
He's developmentally disabled
and that's the only thing
he knows how to say
but still, we should
go check on her.
It's... it's bad, right?
No, no, it's fine.
Hey, can you hang on a sec?
President Kennedy
said he's excited to show
the city of Dallas, quote,
"just how white a shirt can be."
Joe, this is serious. My
whole jaw's messed up.
I don't understand.
We sent you to the best
cigarette-smoking
surgeon we know.
But listen, you're
gonna be okay.
Son of a bitch!
Fortunately, Jennifer
had called her father,
who's a doctor.
Oh, dear God. Good
thing I got here in time.
Fetch me my big bag
of medical supplies
I take on vacation.
Thank you for
coming, Dr. Hartman.
Shut up. I don't like
you because you're poor.
Daddy, is she gonna be okay?
She's gonna make it.
But I blame you for this.
Because it's
important for the story
- that I blame you for this.
- I'm sorry.
Sorry doesn't cut it.
Something this terrible
calls for real consequences.
No dancing with my daughter
at the meaningless talent show.
What? No!
My word is final.
So what I'm doing right
here is I'm thinking about Jennifer
and how she's like the wind.
What does that
mean, "she's like the wind"?
Just, you know,
she and the wind.
Uh, lots of similarities
there, you know.
She's very wind-like.
Yeah, but
like, but how, specifically?
I mean, where do I even start?
Basically, they're like two
peas in a pod, those two.
Her and the wind. You know?
No, I
don't kn... You know,
you keep saying "you know,"
and I don't know,
and that's why I'm
asking the question.
In what precise way
is she like the wind?
Well, um, like, if you
picture my heart like trees,
she blows through my trees.
All right, so in
what way is your heart like trees?
Aw, look, it's
a good song, okay?!
The point is I'm
missing Jennifer,
I want her back.
Just say that then.
Enough with this wind business.
Finally, it came...
The night of the
big talent show.
The show started late
'cause the grandma bragging
had gone a bit long.
Doctor!
Buzz, buzz, buzz, lawyer.
Five foot, six.
Everyone, I hope you
enjoyed the dinner of leftovers
from last year's dinner.
I mentioned it was
a Jewish camp, right?
But now it's time to
start the talent show.
This was my last chance.
I wasn't gonna
let all those hours
of standing in a
lake go to waste.
Nobody puts Legal
Adult in a corner.
Unfortunately, this was
the Star of David Dining Hall,
so pretty much the
whole place was corners.
It was finally time for
us to dance together.
Happy 1963, everyone.
For our big finale, we're
gonna dance to a song
written in 1985.
We had to dance to this
song about female masturbation
because we couldn't
afford "The Time of My Life."
I think you
mean open parentheses
"I've Had" closed parentheses,
"The Time of My Life."
Sure, whatever. The
point is we danced great
and everyone was
cheering for us.
Yay!
Joe, come quick! It's Dancy.
And that's the
story of my first love.
P.S., that night we had
sex, I got her pregnant,
and three weeks later
she had an abortion.
I mean jaw-fixing.
Whatever we called it earlier.
- Well, I remember my first...
- Anyway, I remember my first...
Oh.
Think, uh, think it's probably
gonna be Peter, right?
Sorry, Cleveland.
But I remember my first love.
It was 1989, the
golden age of Hollywood.
The year of Troop Beverly Hills,
Fletch Lives, Gleaming the Cube,
and a hilarious new addition
to the Harry and the
Hendersons franchise.
Harry meets a girl
Bigfoot? Count me in.
Well, that's
what I thought, anyway.
Turns out Harry was
shorter in this movie,
but he did look marvelous.
And the actress? Oh, my gosh.
You know how I always
wanted to marry a woman
who looks like the
Full House baby?
Well, this was her: Meg Ryan.
Schwing!
I said, being the first person
who ever said that.
Ha, ha, that guy's
the first person
to ever say that.
Wow, you're hilarious.
What's your name so
we can tell everyone
that you were the first?
Aw, come on, guys, I don't
care who gets the credit.
This is making
your story less credible.
Anyway, from the
first time I saw Meg Ryan pout
in When Harry Met Sally,
I knew I wanted to see
her pout in every movie.
And then eventually
change her face
so she's incapable of pouting.
Ah, nothing better than
movie theater popcorn.
Some for me, some
for the cleaning guy.
Some for me, some
for the cleaning guy.
So, you must
really like this movie.
Are... are-are you...
are you talking to me?
I got to talk to somebody.
He's about to do a
20-minute song parody
of the 1988 Oscar nominees.
Come join me, Peter.
It's a 1980s movie,
so there's lots and
lots of 1940s music.
- What's that guy doing?
- He's ruining the movie.
Joe, come quick! It's Dancy.
So that happened.
I've never heard that.
You're the first.
Peter Griffin's the first.
Aw, come on, Meg
Ryan, it's not about that.
Yeah, you
got to stop doing this, Peter.
That day we talked and talked
as an unrealistic amount
of leaves fell around us.
Hey, thanks for
walking me around
in this watered-down
Woody Allen movie.
You're welcome, Peter.
But what do you think?
Can a man and a
woman just be friends
without the sex?
Oh, uh, yeah, uh, sure, yeah.
Uh, me-men and
women can just be friends.
But, like, the fourth
or fifth friend you call.
What do you say, Peter? Friends?
- Friends with benefi...
- Benefits? No.
I was gonna say Benefiber.
I been getting wicked
stopped up lately.
- Ew.
- Welcome to being friends with a guy, Meg Ryan.
Me and Meg Ryan had
a special connection.
I even followed her
into other movies,
like Sleepless in Seattle,
which ends on the top of
the Empire State building.
Gee, Pop, I'm sorry
I left my backpack
just laying around at
the Empire State Building,
which is an actual
plot point from the film.
Don't worry, it's
still just the 1990s,
so it's okay to
abandon your backpack
in big-city landmarks.
See something, say nothing,
That's the 1990s New York way.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Ah. This is our last
chance to look at Brooklyn
before Lena Dunham gets there.
I also followed
her to You've Got Mail,
where I drove her little
bookstore out of business
before my big bookstore
went out of business.
Also, I DMed her on my
eight-inch-thick laptop.
As always, I wrote to her
as friends. Just friends.
It seemed like we'd
be just friends forever,
but then came the movie
that changed everything.
The most important
film of all time:
In the Cut. Because naked!
It's just, ever since we met
you've been my best friend,
and I was always
afraid of damaging that
because I don't want
to risk this connection.
Shh. Shh, shh,
shh, shh, shh. Hey.
Shut up, Meg.
Excuse me, sir? Sir.
Wake up, sir.
Turns out I never did get pulled
up into that movie screen.
I had just Pee Wee
Herman'ed myself
in the theater and fell asleep.
Huh? What?
What's going on here?
Um...
I'll have what she's having?
And that's when my doctor said,
"You can't drink and do Ambien."
So, there you go, my
first love: Meg Ryan.
Or maybe Melanie Griffith.
You know, now that
I'm thinking about it,
did you see Body Double?
Good God.
That's a wonderful story, Peter.
I'm always happy just to listen
and be here for you.
Donna says hi.
Is it okay if I tell
my first love story?
If it wasn't good enough to tell
in one of the 88
episodes of your show,
maybe it's not
good enough for us.
Could you guys do
me a favor and laugh
like I'm telling you
a hilarious story?
See?
I get a flashback, too.
I don't see nothing shimmering.
a family emergency
with, um... I don't know.
I want to say Chris?
Uh, I wasn't
listening super close.
Why don't you sit
down and drink beer
and tell us about it instead of
being home with your family?
Apparently, Chris and
his girlfriend broke up.
Something about her
wanting to see other people.
So the doctor says
this surgery is gonna
restore my eyesight.
What? Oh, no.
"Oh, no"?
But I thought you'd
be happy, Colin Farrell.
Oi, blimey. Uh, get stuffed.
I'm-I'm gonna see other birds.
G-Good day, mate.
Don't look. Don't look. I
think that's Colin Farrell.
And this girl
was his first love.
Poor Chris. He was
sobbing his eyes out
when I abruptly left.
First loves always
hit the hardest.
I'll say. I still remember
my first real love.
Seems like yesterday.
Why, just thinking back
on her makes everything
all shimmery and distorted.
I was working for
Federal Express,
like Tom Hanks in Cast Away.
And just like Tom
Hanks in Cast Away,
I said the words
"Federal Express"
a suspicious number of times.
Excuse me, miss. Asking as
a Federal Express employee,
may I please get a refill
of iced tea very quickly,
the way Federal
Express delivers parcels?
There was only one
thing I loved more
than corporate-branded content,
and that was my
fiancée, Helen Hunt.
Hubba-hubba.
Darn right hubba-hubba.
You know how most
guys want their girlfriends
to look like a pissy bird?
Well, I was living the dream.
You're 17 seconds late.
I am a Federal Express employee
who is very obsessed with time.
Well, that's my fiancé.
Give me a kiss, you
time-obsessed beardless man
who is unable to spear a
fish with a sharpened stick.
Remember
all that stuff for later.
Mm, oh, I can't wait
to do more than kiss.
Only three more
days till the wedding.
Yep. I've got
just one last flight
across the Planecrash
Sea, and then I'm all yours.
Little did I know.
I'll never forget
that fateful day.
Looking back, I
never should have
tried to do two
fantasy football drafts
while flying a plane.
- I ended up with four defenses.
- Ugh!
FE-117,
looks like you
got rough weather.
Maybe you should
just do auto-draft
for your fantasy leagues, over.
Uh, negative, negative, Control.
I am heterosexual, over.
Ha. There's that clean-shaven guy
who cannot spear
a fish with a stick
that we all know and love.
Damn it.
Too bad I'm in an
airplane and can only go
straight into a storm
and not over or around.
Wait, I think the
storm is breaking up.
I was gonna make it, but then
the plane got hit by lightning.
Oh!
And I somehow drafted the punter
Jeff Feagles in
the second round.
Oh!
And it was all over.
I was all alone on
an uncharted island.
What could I do?
Definitely not spear a fish
with a hand-sharpened stick.
'Cause remember, that was
a complete non-starter for me.
If I wanted to make
it back to my Helen,
I'd need to find
a way to survive.
Luckily I had a whole
plane's worth of FedEx parcels
I could open and use.
Oh, please be
food. Please be food.
Oh, thank God, I'm
saved. Peanut brittle.
Aah!
"From Peter Griffin."
Gotcha. Continue.
But then I opened
the most important package of all.
My only friend on the island.
I'm gonna call you
Wilson, after Rita Wilson,
the most beautiful and
talented woman in Hollywood.
The true first lady
of American culture.
I swear, I didn't say all
that stuff just so Tom Hanks
would let us do this movie.
Character development.
I had been on that island
for four years.
Man, I've been on this island
for somewhere between
two and seven years.
I'm not sure which 'cause I'm
no longer obsessed with time.
That's more
character development.
Anyway, all these years later,
I still couldn't get Helen
Hunt out of my mind.
I was going nuts
thinking about her.
Oh, Helen...
Oh come on, get it together.
Think of something else.
Think of anything
besides Helen Hunt.
Oh, almost Helen Hunt.
Enough was enough.
I decided to build a raft
and get back to my beloved.
But what to make
the raft out of?
Got to be something I can use.
What floats? What floats?
Mm, definitely not these
footballs for Tom Brady.
Straight to the bottom.
I wonder.
Aah!
Two for two. Continue.
I was able to float away
on a raft made out
of the giant joke box.
It was me and Wilson and
this one other kind of lame guy.
Boy, you hoist a sail,
then where did the
wind go? Am I right?
I just saw you take
a dump in the ocean.
I'm not really looking to chat.
Days passed.
Wilson and I were all alone.
No drinking water
and no food, except...
Nope, not this time.
Eh, you're
no fun. Continue.
But then disaster struck.
Aah! Aah!
No. No! Wilson!
Eventually I moved on
and largely forgot about Wilson.
Why are you smiling, honey?
Oh, I used to
bone that volleyball.
I don't remember
much after that.
Apparently I was picked
up by some cargo ship.
But then, wouldn't you know it,
the ship got taken
over by Somali pirates.
Look at me. Look at me.
We are doing this movie now.
Then that
Somali pirate did a bunch of stuff
and then nothing
else ever again,
and eventually I got back home.
After years and years away,
it was finally time
to see my Helen.
Oh, my God, you're alive.
I thought about you
every day, Helen.
You're the reason I
stayed alive all these years.
I never stopped loving you.
I'm-I'm sorry.
I got back together
with Paul Reiser.
What?
We did a Mad About You reboot
on Spectrum Originals.
Which just sounds fake.
I mean, did you
watch any of that?
Do you even know anyone who...
I-I... Like, I literally do
not know one person
who saw, like, a
single minute of that.
I'm so sorry.
I was devastated.
Helen was my first true love...
The only woman I ever wanted...
And she had moved on without me.
Fortunately, five years
later, they invented
portable pornography
on telephones,
and I've literally never
thought about her since.
Well, that was a touching
tale of first love, Quagmire.
And I googled Spectrum
Originals, by the way.
Found nothing. Zero matches.
Nothing on Ask Jeeves either,
but they don't always
have everything.
Anyway, I remember
my first love.
It's quite an interesting story.
Okay, guess I'll be
going last tonight.
This was back in the early '60s.
I was working at
a hoity-toity camp
for rich Jewish people.
Are you Jewish in this?
No.
Anyway, this camp
was highly renowned
for offering exclusively
clean dancing.
You are the cleanest
dancer I ever met.
It's why we come
here every year.
But all the while,
I was being watched
by the prettiest
girl in the camp.
Her name was Jennifer Schnozz,
and I saw her everywhere.
Seems like she was always
sniffing around someplace.
Okay.
Daytimes were
reserved for clean dancing,
but at night,
someone would bring
a very large watermelon
to the staff cabin,
and for some reason, that meant
it was time for dirty dancing.
We had booze, sexy music,
and because it was
August by a lake,
lots of mosquitos.
My favorite partner
was Dancy McGee.
She was the best
dancer on the staff,
as you can tell
from this dance party
where she's dancing
neither better nor worse
than anyone on the staff.
But there Jennifer was again,
always with her nose
pressed against the glass,
or anything else she was
standing three feet away from.
Might be going
a bit hard with the nose stuff.
Relax, she's
fine. She got a new one.
It was time to make my move.
Hey, do I know you?
Yeah. We were both in Red Dawn
and we probably had sex on
set and then you dumped me
and now we famously
hate each other.
Oh, yeah, Jennifer.
Well, welcome to
the Poke-a-nose.
That was kind of my
joke around camp.
People loved it,
way better than my
"welcome to the Catskills" bit.
I was not invited
back to that camp.
Joe, come quick! It's Dancy.
What's the matter?
It's-it's my jaw.
It's very clicky.
I th... I think I have TMJ.
- TMJ?
- Oh, no!
I hear that causes
mild discomfort
but doesn't otherwise
interfere with lifestyle.
Of course,
back then, it was illegal
to get jaw surgery.
The only places that would do it
were sketchy, unsafe,
back-alley jaw clinics.
Do you want to keep the TMJ?
Come on, Joe.
I'm single, I'm poor,
I work at a Jewish
camp for tips.
Ugh. Brutal.
What's three percent
of frugal, am I right?
Not the year for it, Peter.
But, Dancy, what about
the big talent show?
Dancy was gonna be my
partner at the camp talent show,
which is the most important
thing in this whole story.
After I get my jaw surgery,
I'm gonna be in
mouth recovery, Joe.
I'm out.
What? Then who am I
supposed to dance with?
Literally any one of
these other women
- we just saw dancing?
- I'll do it.
Ugh.
I know I've never danced before,
but you could teach me.
All right, I'll give you a shot,
but you better not be ticklish
if I touch the
inside of your arm
during dance practice.
Y-Yeah. No, no, that-that
won't be a problem.
This is the I was talking about!
Wow, I guess I'm
just really bad at
you holding me over your
head while I do nothing.
Eh, keep practicing.
You'll get there.
Anyway, I like how you
always seem to drop me
into the one warm spot
in this whole cold lake.
Yeah, and I, uh, I like how
you're at least 18 years old.
Actually, I'm...
I like how you're at
least 18 years old.
Her nickname was "Baby,"
which means over 18 years old.
Anyway, we were
falling in love, but then...
- Joe, come quick! It's Dancy.
- Again?
He's developmentally disabled
and that's the only thing
he knows how to say
but still, we should
go check on her.
It's... it's bad, right?
No, no, it's fine.
Hey, can you hang on a sec?
President Kennedy
said he's excited to show
the city of Dallas, quote,
"just how white a shirt can be."
Joe, this is serious. My
whole jaw's messed up.
I don't understand.
We sent you to the best
cigarette-smoking
surgeon we know.
But listen, you're
gonna be okay.
Son of a bitch!
Fortunately, Jennifer
had called her father,
who's a doctor.
Oh, dear God. Good
thing I got here in time.
Fetch me my big bag
of medical supplies
I take on vacation.
Thank you for
coming, Dr. Hartman.
Shut up. I don't like
you because you're poor.
Daddy, is she gonna be okay?
She's gonna make it.
But I blame you for this.
Because it's
important for the story
- that I blame you for this.
- I'm sorry.
Sorry doesn't cut it.
Something this terrible
calls for real consequences.
No dancing with my daughter
at the meaningless talent show.
What? No!
My word is final.
So what I'm doing right
here is I'm thinking about Jennifer
and how she's like the wind.
What does that
mean, "she's like the wind"?
Just, you know,
she and the wind.
Uh, lots of similarities
there, you know.
She's very wind-like.
Yeah, but
like, but how, specifically?
I mean, where do I even start?
Basically, they're like two
peas in a pod, those two.
Her and the wind. You know?
No, I
don't kn... You know,
you keep saying "you know,"
and I don't know,
and that's why I'm
asking the question.
In what precise way
is she like the wind?
Well, um, like, if you
picture my heart like trees,
she blows through my trees.
All right, so in
what way is your heart like trees?
Aw, look, it's
a good song, okay?!
The point is I'm
missing Jennifer,
I want her back.
Just say that then.
Enough with this wind business.
Finally, it came...
The night of the
big talent show.
The show started late
'cause the grandma bragging
had gone a bit long.
Doctor!
Buzz, buzz, buzz, lawyer.
Five foot, six.
Everyone, I hope you
enjoyed the dinner of leftovers
from last year's dinner.
I mentioned it was
a Jewish camp, right?
But now it's time to
start the talent show.
This was my last chance.
I wasn't gonna
let all those hours
of standing in a
lake go to waste.
Nobody puts Legal
Adult in a corner.
Unfortunately, this was
the Star of David Dining Hall,
so pretty much the
whole place was corners.
It was finally time for
us to dance together.
Happy 1963, everyone.
For our big finale, we're
gonna dance to a song
written in 1985.
We had to dance to this
song about female masturbation
because we couldn't
afford "The Time of My Life."
I think you
mean open parentheses
"I've Had" closed parentheses,
"The Time of My Life."
Sure, whatever. The
point is we danced great
and everyone was
cheering for us.
Yay!
Joe, come quick! It's Dancy.
And that's the
story of my first love.
P.S., that night we had
sex, I got her pregnant,
and three weeks later
she had an abortion.
I mean jaw-fixing.
Whatever we called it earlier.
- Well, I remember my first...
- Anyway, I remember my first...
Oh.
Think, uh, think it's probably
gonna be Peter, right?
Sorry, Cleveland.
But I remember my first love.
It was 1989, the
golden age of Hollywood.
The year of Troop Beverly Hills,
Fletch Lives, Gleaming the Cube,
and a hilarious new addition
to the Harry and the
Hendersons franchise.
Harry meets a girl
Bigfoot? Count me in.
Well, that's
what I thought, anyway.
Turns out Harry was
shorter in this movie,
but he did look marvelous.
And the actress? Oh, my gosh.
You know how I always
wanted to marry a woman
who looks like the
Full House baby?
Well, this was her: Meg Ryan.
Schwing!
I said, being the first person
who ever said that.
Ha, ha, that guy's
the first person
to ever say that.
Wow, you're hilarious.
What's your name so
we can tell everyone
that you were the first?
Aw, come on, guys, I don't
care who gets the credit.
This is making
your story less credible.
Anyway, from the
first time I saw Meg Ryan pout
in When Harry Met Sally,
I knew I wanted to see
her pout in every movie.
And then eventually
change her face
so she's incapable of pouting.
Ah, nothing better than
movie theater popcorn.
Some for me, some
for the cleaning guy.
Some for me, some
for the cleaning guy.
So, you must
really like this movie.
Are... are-are you...
are you talking to me?
I got to talk to somebody.
He's about to do a
20-minute song parody
of the 1988 Oscar nominees.
Come join me, Peter.
It's a 1980s movie,
so there's lots and
lots of 1940s music.
- What's that guy doing?
- He's ruining the movie.
Joe, come quick! It's Dancy.
So that happened.
I've never heard that.
You're the first.
Peter Griffin's the first.
Aw, come on, Meg
Ryan, it's not about that.
Yeah, you
got to stop doing this, Peter.
That day we talked and talked
as an unrealistic amount
of leaves fell around us.
Hey, thanks for
walking me around
in this watered-down
Woody Allen movie.
You're welcome, Peter.
But what do you think?
Can a man and a
woman just be friends
without the sex?
Oh, uh, yeah, uh, sure, yeah.
Uh, me-men and
women can just be friends.
But, like, the fourth
or fifth friend you call.
What do you say, Peter? Friends?
- Friends with benefi...
- Benefits? No.
I was gonna say Benefiber.
I been getting wicked
stopped up lately.
- Ew.
- Welcome to being friends with a guy, Meg Ryan.
Me and Meg Ryan had
a special connection.
I even followed her
into other movies,
like Sleepless in Seattle,
which ends on the top of
the Empire State building.
Gee, Pop, I'm sorry
I left my backpack
just laying around at
the Empire State Building,
which is an actual
plot point from the film.
Don't worry, it's
still just the 1990s,
so it's okay to
abandon your backpack
in big-city landmarks.
See something, say nothing,
That's the 1990s New York way.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Ah. This is our last
chance to look at Brooklyn
before Lena Dunham gets there.
I also followed
her to You've Got Mail,
where I drove her little
bookstore out of business
before my big bookstore
went out of business.
Also, I DMed her on my
eight-inch-thick laptop.
As always, I wrote to her
as friends. Just friends.
It seemed like we'd
be just friends forever,
but then came the movie
that changed everything.
The most important
film of all time:
In the Cut. Because naked!
It's just, ever since we met
you've been my best friend,
and I was always
afraid of damaging that
because I don't want
to risk this connection.
Shh. Shh, shh,
shh, shh, shh. Hey.
Shut up, Meg.
Excuse me, sir? Sir.
Wake up, sir.
Turns out I never did get pulled
up into that movie screen.
I had just Pee Wee
Herman'ed myself
in the theater and fell asleep.
Huh? What?
What's going on here?
Um...
I'll have what she's having?
And that's when my doctor said,
"You can't drink and do Ambien."
So, there you go, my
first love: Meg Ryan.
Or maybe Melanie Griffith.
You know, now that
I'm thinking about it,
did you see Body Double?
Good God.
That's a wonderful story, Peter.
I'm always happy just to listen
and be here for you.
Donna says hi.
Is it okay if I tell
my first love story?
If it wasn't good enough to tell
in one of the 88
episodes of your show,
maybe it's not
good enough for us.
Could you guys do
me a favor and laugh
like I'm telling you
a hilarious story?
See?
I get a flashback, too.
I don't see nothing shimmering.