Family Guy (1998–…): Season 20, Episode 5 - Brief Encounter - full transcript

♪ It seems today
that all you see ♪

♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ♪

♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪

♪ On which we used to rely? ♪

♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪

♪ Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪

♪ All the things that make us ♪

♪ Laugh and cry ♪

♪ He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy! ♪

TOM (on TV):
Good evening, I'm Tom Tucker.

Our top story: doing
laundry and drinking beer.



(clears throat) I'm sorry.

Doing laundry and drinking beer?

Quahog welcomes Duds & Suds,

a new laundromat
that serves beer.

So if you want to drink and
watch your kid's teacher wash

his only pair of pants,
get on down there.

- Ah, cool!
- We should go!

Nothing better than
putting on a warm diaper

right out of the dryer.

(grunts)

Ah, I'm okay! Let's go again!

- (knocking, rattling) -
CHRIS: Shut up! Shut up!

What's the problem?

CHRIS: What day is it?



Wednesday?

CHRIS: Aka, the one day a
week I have independent study

first period and
get to sleep in!

- So shut up!
- (banging)

Stewie, when I was over
visiting Grandma and Grandpa,

humiliating myself to ask them

to keep paying for
your preschool...

I know you don't understand
me, but I understand you.

I found Chi-Chi!

He's like your doll, Reuben.

I know, I know, I know.

You called Joanna "Joanne"
the other day, it happens.

He was always
very special to me,

now I want him to
be very special to you.

What is she even talking about?

- Toy!
- Toy? Oh, oh, toy!

Oh, well, why didn't you say so?

- Yay, toy!
- Yay, toy!

- (banging)
- CHRIS: Shut! Up!

I'm so sorry, Chris!

I forgot it was Wednesday!

(chuckles): Oh, sorry,
where are my manners?

Chi-Chi, this is
Reuben... Uh, Rupert!

(chuckles): Rupert! I-I
meant... I meant Rupert.

You know that.

(insects trilling)

(whispering): I know it's
not ideal that he's here,

but I can't just throw him out.

Lois would be crushed.

She has, like,
nothing in her life.

Of course I saw his Bible,

that's the first thing I saw.

Hey, check it out.

You and Peter have
the same undies.

What are you talking about?

He just wears
run-of-the-mill Hanes.

Yours aren't Hanes?

No, mine are Planes.

All pilots wear them.

Look at that, Planes.

"The perfect underwear
for unexpected wind shear."

- Is that, like, farts?
- Yes, that's like farts.

(kids chattering)

Oh, hello, Doug.

- Can I sit here?
- I don't care.

My stop is next.

I assume you're taking
this to the end of the line?

Out to the land of cheap
rents and tract housing?

My stop's pretty soon, too.

What's on your shoes?

Oh. These are called laces.

I doubt you've ever
heard of them, Mr. Velcro.

I know about laces! I've
just never seen black ones.

Geez. Why are you
always such a dick?

Takes one to know one.

Where did you learn
that? That's great!

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
That-that wasn't about you.

I... I'm just...

There's-there's stuff
going on at home.

I'd love to hear about
it, though fair warning:

I know little of
lower-middle class plight.

Eh, it's just this new stuffed
monkey Chi-Chi's making waves

with my old stuffy.

I keep trying to get
rid of the monkey,

but my mom keeps finding
him... And I can tell you're bored.

Far from it, Stewie.
I feel for you.

That actually sounds
like what I'm going through

with Miss Tiggywinkles.

- Really?
- Yeah.

It's really wearing on me.

Hey, I just had a crazy idea.

We might be able to
help each other out.

How's that?

Think about it: two
fellas meet on a train,

and do each other's murders.

I kill Chi-Chi, you
kill Miss Tiggywinkles.

Nobody could ever
connect us to the crimes.

Crisscross.

You've got yourself a deal!

Great. Well, this is my stop.

No, no, no! You can't!
You can't! That's hot lava!

Whoa. (chuckles) That was close.

♪

Giggity morning, everyone.

Lois, can I see you in the
other room for a second?

- Sure.
- All right!

Peter, what would
you like for breakfast?

Chocolate chip pancakes.

Lois, can I see you in the
other room for a second?

So... Whew. (chuckles)

Uh, what did you want?

- Uh, wa-waffles?
- Yeah, sure.

Lois, can I see you in the
other room for a second?

I couldn't perform a
third time, so we just read.

Morning, beautiful.

I had the Uber
guy sleep outside,

so he's ready when you're ready.

♪

But first, a dump so
long I will be able to read

everything Garfield ever wrote.

(giggles) Jon.

Morning, Captain Quagmire.

Hey, did you know if
this plane was a wiener,

we'd be the wiener's eyes?

QUAGMIRE (over P.A.): Hello,
this is your captain speaking

from the, uh, cockpit. (giggles)

COPILOT: Lot of penis
stuff from you today.

QUAGMIRE: Quiet, you don't talk.

Now please enjoy this
in-flight music I brought with me

from my glove compartment.

♪ Ah, well, everybody's
heard about the bird ♪

♪ B-B-B-Bird, bird,
bird, b-bird's the word. ♪

♪

Guess I'll go for my walk
and leave Chi-Chi all alone!

(Henry Hall's "The Teddy
Bears' Picnic" playing)

♪ If you go down
in the woods today ♪

♪ You're sure of
a big surprise ♪

♪ If you go down
in the woods today ♪

♪ You better go in disguise ♪

♪ For every bear
that ever there was ♪

♪ Will gather there
for certain, because ♪

♪ Today's the day the teddy
bears have their picnic. ♪

Wow, how far is it from up here?

♪

(glass shatters)

Goodnight Moon? Ugh,
God, Stewie's so basic.

Oh, my God, he did it.

Oh, no! I've been
out all morning

with lots of witnesses,
and now this!

Chris! Help!

For God's sake, what now?

So, I was out on my walk
with Jane, Ally P., and Ali R...

Both got disastrous
haircuts yesterday,

obviously that
stays in this room...

And I just came in and
found Chi-Chi like this!

Stewie, do you
know what day it is?

It's the next Wednesday.

I believe you're aware of
my Wednesday schedule.

First period, independent study.

Oh, so you are.

And do you remember
what I like to do

during first period,
independent study?

- Sleep.
- Sleep!

(chuckles): Oh,
you're a quick study.

- (alarm clock
blaring) - (bleep)

LOIS: Chris, your
alarm is going off!

I know!

♪

All right, time to murder
Miss Tiggywinkles.

Oh, never been
invited to Doug's before.

Whoa! Chalkboard wall? No way!

The only limitation
is my imagination.

So fun!

GIRL: Stay right here,
Miss Tiggywinkles.

Dougie will be
home soon to play.

(door closes)

Beat it, you don't want to see

what I'm about to do
to Miss Tiggywinkles!

Get away from me n...

(gasps) Oh, my God!

- I can't read!
- (door creaking)

- (grunts) - Here you
go, Miss Tiggywinkles.

(gasps)

Miss Tiggywinkles is a real cat!

(inhales deeply)

You know what? I can do this.

(purring)

I can't do it!

I can't kill a cat!

Unless you were in the movie
musical with Rebel Wilson?

I can't do it!

ANNOUNCER: We
now return to Baywatch.

All right!

There he is,

the reason our lawn looks
like it has leopard skin pants.

What's up with you lately?

You've been acting really
weird all of the sudden.

"All of the sudden," Brian?

I think what you mean
is "all of a sudden."

Ladies and gentlemen,
that's the author in the house.

What's your problem? Why
are you being such a jerk to me?

My problem with you?

Let's see, where do I begin?

You accept food,
clothing and shelter,

yet no responsibilities.

You constantly want
to sleep with my wife,

who is an angel.

Oh, and the hypocrisy.

You claim to be
an ally to women,

but I bet you don't even know
Nancy Pelosi's official title.

Sure, I do. She's, uh...

Chuck Schumer's secretary.

Forget it, Brian. Now, can you
strap me to this milking table?

My wife will be home soon.

Stewie Griffin,

do you want to tell me
why you didn't hold up

your end of the bargain
with Miss Tiggywinkles?

Seriously? Maybe
because you failed

to mention she
was a real, living cat.

Hey, I killed your monkey!

Don't you see
how that's different?

We had a deal.

No, I know.
(stammers) But I just...

I d... I don't...
I don't think...

Boy, this is really gonna
hurt your reputation

with my kindergarten friends.

You have kindergarten friends?

(chuckles): Oh, yeah.

I let them throw pinecones
at me all the time.

But now I'm gonna have to
tell them you welshed on me.

(sucks teeth)
Kindergartners hate welshers.

Kindergartners, eh?

You know what? I'll do it.

Good choice, Stewie.

Hey, m-maybe
after all this is done,

I-I could get kindergartners
throwing pinecones at me?

(chuckles): Whoa,
slow down, champ.

They start you at
driveway pebbles.

Ah, Brian, just the man
I was hoping to see.

You don't like cats, do you?

- I hate 'em.
- Sit.

Three of Lois'
sweaty jogging bras.

Have I really been
that good of a boy?

Depends. I got a cat problem.

You get rid of my
cat, this is all yours.

- Done.
- Go ahead, boy.

(sniffing)

Oh, yeah!

She ran fast because
Bonnie was watching.

- What happened to you?
- I'm not really sure.

I was in line at the bank,
and this human-sized chicken

cut in front of me.

Well, I wasn't
gonna let that stand.

I had a weird day, too.

I asked, like, seven people

if they were gonna
watch the SpaceX launch.

And I-I don't even
know what that is.

Hey, you two are both
acting very strange,

and I think I know what it is.

He's wearing your underwear,
and you're wearing his.

How do you know that?

Well, you know, when
some people go blind

their other senses
are heightened.

When I lost my legs, I
gained a sense of underpants.

What are you talking about?
We didn't switch underwear.

Are you sure about
that? Stand up

and let Jojo flip your taggies.

Turn around. Butt-to-butt.

Hanes.

Planes.

(laughing)

Whoo!

What the hell?

We must've accidentally
grabbed the wrong ones

at the laundromat.

Oh, so your boys were

where his boys were.

And your boys were
where his boys were.

BOTH: Oh, my God!

Hey, what are you
guys talking about?

Peter and Quagmire
exchanged underwear.

Ha! Classic!

Me, I don't wear underwear.

I just wear trunks.

Tree guy.

That'll hit you when
you're driving home.

Hey, look at this table. What
are you guys talking about?

Oh, hey, I-I, uh...

I didn't... I didn't know
you take out trash, too.

Yeah, I-I, uh...
Only on trash days.

No, right, of course.
Yeah, no, no, I'm sorry. I-I...

- (kicks ground)
- (sighs)

(chuckles): I'm not
sure what to say.

(chuckles) I know. It's awkward.

I thought things would
go back to normal

after we traded
underwear yesterday.

(playing "Taps")

I'm gonna have Lois
cancel our dinner plans

with you and Ida tomorrow.

I-I think it's too soon.

Hey, you don't think the guys
are talking about us, do you?

Oh, I don't think so.

Oh, my God.

I still can't believe they
wore each other's underwear.

Like, can you imagine?

I know, right?

Like, icky times a thousand.

Hey, this is crazy,

but what if we wore
each other's underwear,

- just for a joke?
- What?

No, that's a terrible idea.

Yeah, just-just joking.

So stupid!

Can I be done now?

(door creaks)

Okay, you go in
there, kill Miss T,

and we'll sneak out the back.

You need a weapon or anything?

She's a cat, I'm
a dog. I'm good.

- (Brian barking) - (rattling)
- (Miss Tiggywinkles snarls)

(Brian growling)

- (rattling stops) - (Brian growls)
- (Miss Tiggywinkles meows)

(loud meow)

It went poorly.

Thanks again for
having us over, Lois.

Zesty Italian?
Oh, I-I just couldn't.

Not this close to bedtime.

(whispers): You said you
were gonna cancel dinner.

(whispers): I have zero
control in my marriage.

Whoops. (chuckles)
I dropped my roll,

which is not at all
an invitation for Peter

to have an
under-the-table conference.

Ha! Darn thing's
always coming off.

Excuse me for one
moment, won't you?

- Why did you do that?
- You dropped all the bread.

- What was I supposed to do?
- Okay, that makes sense.

So, I went to the
underwear doctor and...

you should probably get checked.

They say when you wear
someone's underwear,

you're also wearing
the underwear

of everyone whose
underwear they've worn.

I can't believe this!

I thought I knew
you, Glenn Quagmire!

(chuckles) Here I go
again, filling up on ears.

What's going on here, you two?

You're being very rude.

Lois spent all day
overcooking this meal.

We accidentally wore
each other's underwear.

(laughing)

I can't believe you
wore each other's undies!

(laughs) This is hysterical!

- (banging on wall)
- CHRIS: Shut! Up!

Oh, it's not even Wednesday!

CHRIS: It's Tuesday night!

That's part of it!

Guys, this isn't funny!

Relax, Peter. It's no big deal.

You don't get it!

Oh, quit being so dramatic.

Ladies switch
underwear all the time.

I might be wearing
Bonnie's right now.

I don't even remember.

While that is super sexy
and being stored for later,

it's very different for guys.

That's not true,
male friends can be

more intimate than they used to.

- BOTH: Nope!
- And the lines of sexuality are

- more fluid than ever.
- BOTH: Nope!

And people aren't so
quick to judge or label.

- Please stop.
- Masculinity just doesn't account for stuff like this.

Look, guys can share
laughs and beers,

but we don't share feelings,
emotions, or underwear.

Between male friends, there's
no coming back from this.

He's right. I'm afraid our
relationship is on the skids.

Maybe there's
hope for the future,

but things now are too spotty.

I just don't know if there's
any front-to-back to this.

Our reputations are smeared.

If I wasn't so yellow,
maybe I'd push harder.

But, hey, we had a
really good streak, huh?

What's going on out there, Dad?

We accidentally wore
each other's underwear,

so Mr. Quagmire is moving.

Oh, wow.

Yeah, obviously one
of you would need to.

Peter, this is
completely ridiculous.

Babe. What's done is done.

Look, I don't have
a lot of friends,

it's kind of a
problem on the show.

But if I did, I would never let
anything come between us,

especially a pair of underwear.

You know what,
Lois? You're right.

Now go tell him not to move.

♪

♪

Quagmire,

I just want to say that you can
wreck a good pair of underwear,

but you can't wreck
a good friendship.

That's nice, Peter.

Underwear should never
come between two friends.

Well, it kind of should.

(chuckles): Yeah, yeah.
It kind of should, yeah.

Will you help me move
my stuff back inside?

Only if I can do it half naked

and in front of
all our neighbors.

Not my first choice, but okay.

♪

Miss Tiggywinkles, wake up!

You've got to get out of here!

Oh, my God, you're dead!

- (camera shutter clicks) -
Well, what do we have here?

Stewie Griffin, cat murderer?

What? You psycho!

You killed her?

Maybe I did, maybe she
died of natural causes.

The only thing that matters is

that now I have
the goods on you.

Oh, that's a terrible photo.
Would you mind doing it again?

(shutter clicks)

Aw, yeah. That's cute.

- Can you send me that?
- No.

Give me that picture!

Hey, Doug. Sorry
about your kitty.

I guess the pet store didn't
have a men's department, huh?

Uh, well, I tried to get a...

(snores then groans)

Hey, I don't want to be
too tired to drive home.

Does this story have an ending?

Later, losers!

I'm five!

(horn honks)

- Who is that?
- That's Tyler.

He's, uh, kind of my Doug.

Boy, we all get a Doug, huh?

Yeah, Tyler's Doug
is a drunk stepdad.

- Yikes.
- Yeah.

Well, I'm glad everyone's
back in their regular underwear

and everything's back to normal.

Me, too.

And thank you for
cleaning the milking table.

Well, we had quite
a week as well.

We sure did.

I mean, you got your
ass kicked by a cat.

- Well, it was really more of a draw.
- Yeah, whatever.

Hey, you want to end the show
with a "To Be Continued" meme?"

I-I don't even know what that...

- (bazooka clicks)
- (loud boom)