Family Guy (1998–…): Season 20, Episode 12 - The Lois Quagmire - full transcript

♪ It seems today
that all you see ♪

♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ♪

♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪

♪ On which we used to rely? ♪

♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪

♪ Lucky there's a man who
positively can do ♪

♪ All the things that make us ♪

♪ Laugh and cry ♪

♪ He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy. ♪

Oh, it's a letter from
my fancy private high school.

I'll take this envelope
to the refuse, madam.



Oh, thank you, letter butler.

- What's that all about?
- Oh, it's an invitation

to my high school reunion.

I went to the Fancington's
Academy for Insufferable Girls.

Our mascot was a well-dressed
woman who yells at valets.

Nice. I'm sure you and Peter
will have a great time.

Uh...

Peter.

Nobody look.
This is a private, gross matter.

Right.

Do people bring husbands
to these things?

You're not thinking of going
without him, are you?

Honestly, Brian,
these girls come from old money,

so they can be pretty stuffy
and judgmental.



Well...

I'm still available.

"But the real outliers were the
friends we made along the way."

- The end.

- Oh, hey, Lois.
- Wow, look at you.

- Reading a book, huh?
- Oh, yeah.

I read everything
people leave on planes.

I read The Da Vinci Code
four times.

And I'm not sure the last time
I've seen you in your uniform.

You really clean up nice.

Hey, Glenn, I have this
class reunion coming up soon,

and I thought maybe it'd be fun
if, I don't know,

you know, maybe the two of us
went together.

- What about Peter?
- Oh, he hates those things.

And football.

- Climate change?
- Well, that is a real problem.

Hey, here's a fun thought:
what if you go

and pretend to be my husband?

Well, I'm not used to wearing
rings above the waist,

but what the hell--
I'll try anything once.

Where you going, Mom?

Oh, I'm just heading out
for the weekend

to visit the...

Museum of Dusty Vases.

Why don't you just look
at all the ones in this house?

So what do we do for dinner?
Like, pizza?

- No pizza.
- Okay, right. So, like, pizza?

No, Peter, not pizza.

Okay, right. Not pizza.

So just... pizza?

Okay, everyone, I stocked
the fridge with healthy food.

Your weight
is a reflection on me,

so no pizza.

Oh, pizza. Now, that's an idea.

Peter, if you disobey me
about the pizza,

there will be consequences.

Mom's-out-of-town consequences,

which, according to the movies,
are the worst kind.

Fine, but I'm gonna tweet
mean stuff at celebrities

that look vaguely like you.

You're going to that reunion,
aren't you?

Shh. Keep your voice down.

Yes, I'm going,
but with Quagmire, not Peter.

Glenn's gonna pretend to be
my husband to impress them.

Are you sure that's a good idea?

I mean, it's Quagmire--
you know how he feels about you.

Yeah, I know he's gonna
try and sleep with me,

but I'm a big girl,

and I can handle Quagmire.
I'll be fine.

- But...
- But nothing. Fetch!

Oh, not cool, Lois.
Very not cool!

All right, she's gone.

Now, who wants pizza?

Oh, no. No wife of mine
carries her own bags.

Oh, my God, that's heavy.

What's in these things?

Well, we're here for two nights,

so my hair dryer,
my iron, my free weights--

and I thought maybe,
if I had a minute,

I'd Rollerblade--

my CPAP machine
and bedside table...

There's a whole table in here?

...travel Peloton,
every robe I've ever owned,

and my desktop computer.

It's got my email on there.

Lois, I have
an umbilical hernia.

- They're on rollers.
- Oh.

Okay, so I booked us a suite

so that we can keep up
the appearance of being married

but still sleep
in separate rooms.

Like John Krasinski
and Emily Blunt?

Exactly.

- Oh, pizza man's here.

Do I look okay?

I know, that one
has a mind of its own.

Here's your pie.
May I use your bathroom?

Absolutely.
We'll be out here eating pizza

like we're
in an '80s commercial.

♪ ♪

♪ Smile in your family's face ♪

♪ It's pizza night ♪

♪ Eye contact with your son ♪

♪ He's gonna take
a stringy bite ♪

♪ The obesity epidemic ♪

♪ Was starting to take hold ♪

♪ So stuff your face
with pizza ♪

♪ Before it gets too cold ♪

♪ Before it gets
too cold, yeah! ♪

Pizza!

It's probably
just the pizza talking,

but I love you guys.

Um, the pizza guy's car
is still running outside.

Four tires,
not one of them the same.

- Is that guy still on the can?
- I'll check.

Let's all check.

I think he's had a heart attack.

He's dead.

Oh, my God, Dad,
this is terrible.

I know. Your mother
is gonna find out we had pizza.

What the...

This is not the room I reserved.

This is the honeymoon suite.

Was that, "This is
the honeymoon," comma, "sweet"?

Or, like, "room"?

Oh, you're not gonna
get away with this.

I am gonna tweet mean stuff

at celebrities
that look vaguely like you.

Whoa, whoa,
I had nothing to do with this.

- Then how did this happen?
- Well, I'm a platinum member

at all the hotel chains,

so they probably just
saw my name and upgraded us.

Well, I don't know
if I'm comfortable with this.

Oh, no problem.
Let me call the front desk

and see if they can switch us
to a room with two beds.

Ah, yes, we were wondering if we
might be able to switch rooms?

Uh-huh. I see.

So just a windowless single
with no water pressure?

No, you know what, it's fine.
We're already here.

My wife says, no, it's fine,
we're already here.

: Oh, you heard that.
Okay, thanks, anyway.

But don't get any ideas,

because nothing
is gonna happen between us.

You have nothing to worry about.

I'll be more of a gentleman
than John Wayne Bobbitt

with his second wife.

Hey, honey,
would you take out the trash?

Yes, yeah, absolutely.

Love it, love it. What else?

Well, I have been dying to see
that new Rebel Wilson movie.

I hear she raps, like, a lot.

Let's just do this.

Okay, we have to get rid
of this body

so your mom can't
connect us with the pizza.

Anybody got any ideas?

We could put a yarmulke on him

a-and dump him
in the town square.

Pretend it's a hate crime.

Chris, come on.
Where we gonna get a yarmulke?

We should float him
with balloons, like in Up.

- Then he's the sky's problem.

- Oh, my God, he got a text.
- Brian, get it.

I'm not fishing it out of his
pants, 'cause I'm into chicks.

Oh, no. This means there
are still undelivered pizzas

- in his car.
- The restaurant's gonna know

ours was the last one he dropped
off before he disappeared.

Oh, my God, that means
Mom will find out.

Which means we got to deliver
the rest of his pizzas.

And we'll leave him and his car
at the last stop.

Well, if we're going in the car,
that means I can take the iPad.

Mom said.

♪ ♪

Okay, it's showtime.

Ladies, you're
looking wealthy tonight.

I'd like you to meet my husband.

We're married, hence the rings.

Enchanté.
I'm a pilot and I read books.

This is
Madison Lexington-Broadway.

She runs a scholarship
for underprivileged WASPs

who can only afford Cornell.

My father shoots elephants.

And Vivian Yachtbrunch,

who sailed directly into the
building from Turks and Caicos.

I summer in Antibes,
and I winter in the spring.

And, of course,
Scowly Tight-Anus,

the granddaughter of both
Henry Tight and Randolph Anus.

We were a clipping
on the Jay Leno Program.

May I say that you have
the breasts of an obese woman

and the arms of an anorexic.

Hey, this is a lot of fun
for everybody.

Do you mind if I upstage you
at your job?

Attention, everybody,
this is your captain.

I'm not going to turn on
the "fasten seatbelt" sign.

You guys can do
whatever you want.

Now I get it. I'm sorry
I played your saxophone.

God, this car is depressing.

He's got three ashtrays in use.

- Can you put on some music?
- There's no CD player.

Just a Discman
with a cassette plug-in.

You ever heard of a band
called Special Delivery?

Oh, no. It's his band.

Oh, no.

Oh, they're all in uniforms,
God bless 'em.

Aw, dying on a stranger's
toilet seat is bad,

but this is real bad.

Dad, let's get back
to the pizzas.

Right. We deliver the pizzas
and nobody calls the police.

Now, where's our first stop?

The police station.

There are cameras everywhere.

We can't be seen
leaving those pizzas.

But he can.

Good thinking, Chris.
All those in favor

of Meg getting in the dead guy's
clothes with him

and scarecrowing him in,
raise your hand.

Fine, I'll do it.

But only 'cause I'm starved
for human contact

and he's not fully cold yet.

Well, if it isn't Georgie,
my fourth-best friend,

in the weirdly gray flesh.

Haven't seen you
since I ordered that calzone.

Hey, I hate to be the bearer
of bad shoes,

but your sneaker's untied.

Hey, I heard your guitar
got stolen,

so I swiped you a new one
from the evidence locker.

It used to belong
to Martin Shkreli.

Surprisingly soulful balladeer.

Okay, fine, you can play me
a song to thank me.

Hmm, I'm hearing
a little Clapton

mixed with hearing loss from
going to the gun range too much.

We're one short
on the suspect lineup.

Know anyone who could fill in?

Well, the perpetrator was doing
a highly-choreographed routine

during the assault,
so number three,

please step forward
and perform the zombie dance

from "Thriller."

Oh, come on.

Five, six, seven, eight.

♪ ♪

Whew. That was close.

I'm glad to be done
delivering to places

that are too risky
to walk a dead body into.

What's next?

The cadaver dog
training facility.

I've been waiting for you,
Georgie.

I haven't eaten all day.

♪ ♪

The pizza guy's having
a secret affair.

Oh, to be single and dead again,
huh, Chris?

Last stop.

I ordered another pizza.

Thank you all
for coming tonight.

On your way out, please take
a complementary au pair.

And, of course, au pair
is French for "with jugs."

Your husband is remarkable.

I am hereby changing
his designation

from "charming" to "a triumph."

Hear, hear.

Before you, the one who'd done
the best in our group was Joan.

She was married
to a functioning alcoholic.

All our husbands
were Christmas suicides.

Well, what can I say?
I'm a lucky woman.

By the way, Lois,
when we get back to our room,

you can choose the streaming
service we watch tonight.

Even Crackle?

Eh, even Crackle.

Oh, thanks for being
a great husband tonight.

I mean, when you got
that standing ovation

for comparing the estate tax
to the Holocaust,

I felt like
the belle of the ball.

I really enjoyed spending time
with you, too.

- So...
- So...

He's a good guy.
Let him down easy.

When he goes for the kiss,
just tell him that...

Rose Byrne!
That's the actress

I was trying
to remember earlier!

Always good but never a star.

Okay, I'll text Bonnie
about that later.

♪ ♪

I want you...

to meet the cocktail waitress
I'm about to sleep with.

What?

This is Jenna.
You might remember her boobs

from hovering over your shoulder
while pouring wine.

I know I do.

I remember you.
You're the lady

who moved her chair four times
because of the air conditioning

and then asked the band if they
could play a little quieter.

Two maracas. We get it--
you like to shake stuff.

But don't upstage the entrées.

Anyway, we're taking off now.
Enjoy Crackle.

I-I can't believe this.

Well, I guess I could always
go down to the business center

and get passively hit on
by all the losers.

All right, that's one ticket.

Economy plus.

Checking bags.

Several.

Okay, and print.

And... time to go home.

I'm not staying here.
I just don't own a printer.

Oh, look who decided to show up.

Hey, Lois.
That was some night.

You'll be happy to know
I was able to perform

on a four-inch-thick futon
in front of three roommates.

You know, the hotel sent
champagne up for us last night.

Oh, why didn't you send it
to me and Jenna?

Well, no sense wasting it.

Ah...

Hey, did you end up working out
in the morning

like you said you were gonna?

What was it, 40 minutes cardio,
then a Pilates class?

Did you do both of those?

No, I didn't do both of those.

- So just one?
- I did neither of them.

Ouch. Well, thanks again
for inviting me.

This has been fun.

First pee afterwards.

Whoa!

Lois, I'm using all the towels.

- ♪ ♪

...and then I said,
"Not today, geese,"

and I landed that
passenger plane on the Hudson.

As someone who didn't watch
the news in 2009

and doesn't care
for Tom Hanks films,

that is the most riveting story
I have ever heard.

Ladies and gentleman, this
is your brunch captain speaking.

It's gonna be a bumpy ride,
'cause...

I'm making mimosas.

Only thing bumpy around here

is that strained
airplane metaphor.

What is this,
Mutters Against Drunk Driving?

Lois, have a drink.

Ladies, I took the liberty
of requesting our meal

be soy-free,
meat-free, gluten-free,

dairy-free, cage-free,
carb-free and cruelty-free.

And then I snuck you each
a cinnamon bun,

because all that other stuff's
for Democrats.

Oh, he's wonderful.

Lois, where did you find him?

Oh, you think he's so wonderful?

Last night he screwed
the cocktail waitress.

I'm sorry, ladies.
I have deceived you.

So I'll just collect
my free au pair.

And one for my wife.

And I'll be on my way.

- What is your problem?
- Get away from me.

What's going on with you?

I thought I made
such a good impression.

- We had those ladies fooled.
- Just leave me alone, Glenn.

I did exactly what you wanted.
I didn't make a move.

I didn't even come close.

That's the problem.

You wanted me to?

Well, I... I wanted you to try.

I wanted you to try.

Then I could shoot you down
and feel sexually desirable

and morally superior.

But you're both those things.

Yeah, you say that now,

but last night you were out
boinking that waitress.

Now, how do you think
that made me feel, huh?

It made me feel like
my best years are behind me.

Well, that's not true at all.
I didn't make a move on you

because you're
my best friend's wife.

That... that is true.

Besides, you know me.

I'm not a one-gal guy.

Last night I was with Jenna
for only four hours,

and I cheated on her
with the woman

who was fixing the ice machine.

Hands were a little cold,
but we got there.

I used that ice.

Hopefully before 2:30 a.m.

Look, if you wanted a decent guy

who's only been into you
and only you,

you should have brought Peter.

You know what? You're right.

So what if he drinks too much?

So what if he weighs too much?

So what if he thinks
Scrappy-Doo is the better Doo?

He's a loyal husband
and a good man.

Oh, I should never have been
embarrassed to bring him.

And I shouldn't need
the attention of another man

- to feel sexy and young.
- That's right.

Hey, why don't we continue
our discussion in the shower?

A little wet-à-tête.

How dare you?

And thank you.

All right,
Lois is gonna be home soon,

so we got to fix this now.

Why don't we just
shove him in the sewer,

let the clowns have at him?

I'm good with anything that
keeps Pennywise off my jock.

Sounds like a plan.

Hold on, Peter.
This feels wrong.

We can't just dump him
facedown into raw sewage

without saying a few words.

You're right, Brian.

I'll do the honors.

It feels like just yesterday

when he came into our lives
carrying a pizza we bought.

I always loved how
he looked around the house

a little too much while I was

digging the money
out of my wallet.

And who can forget
his license plate number:

7-G-something-something-5.

More sweat than you're
used to seeing on a fella,

but that's what
moisture-wicking shirts are for.

His nails were dirty,
but his heart was pure.

Okay, time to drop him
in a river of dung.

He's stuck!

Oh, crap, it's Lois.

Peter, what the hell
is going on?

You ordered pizza, didn't you?

- Yes, ma'am.
- Oh, I don't care.

I love you, Peter.

Mm.

And I have a confession for you:

I went to my high school reunion
this weekend,

and I didn't invite you.

What?

Thank you.
Oh, thank you!