Family Guy (1998–…): Season 20, Episode 11 - Mister Act - full transcript

♪ It seems today
that all you see ♪

♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ♪

♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪

♪ On which we used to rely? ♪

♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪

♪ Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪

♪ All the things that make us ♪

♪ Laugh and cry ♪

♪ He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy! ♪

Good morning, Peter.
Hope you enjoyed sleeping in.

Oh, there's no sleeping in
when you're an alcoholic, Lois.



You just never go to sleep.

Happy Valentine's Day, honey.

(gasps) You actually remembered
it was Valentine's Day.

Of course I did.

Look, I know in years past,

I haven't always been
the most thoughtful partner.

I'm often self-centered,
confuse my words, and shellfish.

But I love you today
and every day.

You are our family's rock,

which is why I got you this.

Oh, jewelry.

Like in a commercial.

A Pedalton?

Okay, can I talk to you upstairs
for a near-the-vent argument?



How dare you buy me something
that suggests I need exercise!

PETER: This is a loud way
to say thank you.

Anybody have Valentine's Day
in the divorce pool?

That would be Meg.

Boom, boom, boom.

Picked a holiday.
Smart. She's smart.

I just thought you'd like it. I
saw it on The Today Show.

Second hour with
Hoda and Savannah

or third hour with
the nonsense people?

- Second hour.
- Where is it?

♪ ♪

Good morning.

I'm your instructor,
Cody Spraytan.

Are you ready to pedal so
hard your periods go away?

Yes! It's not healthy,
but it's convenient.

Now we're gonna sprint

while I tell a distracting
personal story

about how I almost
met Adam Levine.

It's 2016. It's Vegas.

I'm coming off a
horrible breakup.

First pool party in,

I see who I think is a
dirty man with tattoos,

and I'm like, "Ugh."

But then I'm like,
"Wait a minute."

Huh, I think I'll try a
scenic ride this morning.

Let's see. Uh,
California Coastline,

Gardens of Singapo...

Oh, The Tour De Franz.

Pull over here.
Let's get a sausage.

LOIS: We just started, Dennis.

I once watched a squirrel
get hit by a car right here,

and I saw one get hit
by a truck over there.

Yeah, you've seen
a lot of squirrels

get hit by a lot of things.

There are a lot
of stupid squirrels.

Shouldn't you be
wearing bike shorts

- instead of jean shorts?
- Eh, shorts are shorts.

Oh, hey, there's a
stop sign coming.

Give it the finger
and ride through.

- (tires screech)
- (horn honks)

Bite me!

This isn't very fun.
When are we done?

We ride until my ass falls out.

It's already out.

Then we're done.

(gasps) What the hell?

(chuckles)

You're not taking
this from me, bitch.

(chuckles) Suck it, Bon.

I hope that mascara
burns your eyes out.

How's that cheap wine headache?

(chuckles) Go
roll in dirt, you pig.

Your hair dye stinks!
Tell your daughter

- to stop watching me change!
- Tell your son to stop watching me change!

Peter, go cut her power!

- Hey.
- Hey.

(shower running)

Oh, someone's in here.

(shower turns off)

♪ ♪

Whoa, did we get that
European exchange student

I saw on TikTok?

Hey, little man.

Lois?

But you're... you're... hot.

All right, everyone out.

I got a soupy keister.

Wow, Mom. You are looking fit.

Yeah, you're ripped.

You look like
Madonn... (choking)

You want to say that again?

Who do I look like?

The mom from Modern Family.

- (coughs) - That's
right. Julie Bowen.

That's the appropriate answer.

What do you think
of Lois's new look?

I say this in the most
respectful way possible,

but don't you think
she looks a little...

- mannish?
- Mannish. Yeah, awesome, right?

Yeah, I got to say,
Peter, I love that bike.

Hey, maybe you
should give it a try, huh?

No way. Name one cool
person who rides a bike.

Kermit the Fro...

Okay, skinny legs, here I come.

WOMAN: Good morning.
Are you ready to sweat?

- I woke up sweating.
- Okay, let's climb this hill!

I want to impress you

but also see if I can
peek down your sports bra.

Ow! Ow! Ow! My balls.

No, the other ones.

Ow! Ow! Ow!

(high-pitched): Ow! Ow! Ow!

Did you hear that?

- I think Peter hurt his balls.
- I didn't hear anything.

Hmm. Must have been at a
frequency only dogs can hear.

(phone chimes)

(dogs barking)

Excuse me, I have to go bark.

(barking)

(high-pitched): So, what
do you think happened

to my voice, Doc?

Peter, I'm afraid you suffered

something called Pedalton Balls.

Here's a video
explaining everything.

Hi, I'm Oliver Platt,

here to talk to you
about Pedalton Balls,

a painful condition
where your testicles

get lodged next
to your voice box.

It's actually part of
a long list of ailments

that fat guys suffer
when they try to exercise.

These include

Trapped Fart Disorder,

Jump Rope Tangles,

Push-Up Butt,

Sock-Skin Foot and Jog Fog,

where your sweat condenses
into a functioning cloud.

But don't worry. With
the help of gravity,

Pedalton Balls
will clear itself.

While you're waiting,

check out my 1993 medium
hit The Three Musketeers,

because I only do movies

with titles that are
also candy bars.

Isn't there anything I can do

to help my voice get
back to normal faster?

I don't know, I just
like putting on videos.

I guess try doing something
with a lot of needless standing?

All rise.

Before we start communion,

we have a few church
announcements.

First off, I'm seeing a
lot of AirPods in ears,

so let's get that under control.

Secondly, all hymns
now identify as "they."

And, of course,
"amen" is now "athem."

Athem.

ALL: Athem.

(organ music playing)

Stewie, how would you like

to go to a Mommy & Me
class with me tomorrow, huh?

They haven't seen
my new look yet,

and I feel like I need a win in
front of the Range Rover mom.

Are you asking me out on a date?

Well, I'm gonna have
to get waxed first.

I want you to make
it look like Caillou.

- The Body of Christ.
- Thank you, Father.

Your voice. It's pristine.

You know, one of our altar
boys called in sick today.

How would you like to
fill in for him in the choir?

Well, okay.

But only if God will kill a
bunch of babies for no reason.

That's not a problem.

God does that
a lot in the Bible.

♪ ♪

("To Jesus Christ, Our
Sovereign King" playing)

♪ To Jesus Christ,
our sovereign king ♪

♪ Who is the
world's salvation. ♪

They're falling
asleep out there.

We got to kick this up a notch.

- Follow my lead.
- We don't know who you are.

♪ Tragedy ♪

♪ When church is lame and
you miss the game, it's a tragedy ♪

♪ When your bum goes
numb from kneeling some ♪

♪ It's a tragedy. ♪

(cheering)

Wow, that was amazing!

How would you like to be a
regular member of the choir?

I'll do it, buddy,
under one condition:

we shake like that
epic handshake meme.

You got a deal, buddy.

Everyone, let's take out
our drums for drum circle.

You ready to play
again? Me, too.

My refraction
period is very short.

I finish fast, but
I can go a lot.

Some people prefer that.

A good refractor.

("Tum Ho Toh Lagta Hain" by
Amaal Mallik & Shaan playing)

Now let me do you.

Is everyone watching?

Are they impressed with
how quickly I refracted?

♪ He died for us,
he died for us ♪

♪ He died for us,
he died for us ♪

♪ He died for us,
he died for us ♪

♪ He died for us,
he died for us ♪

♪ In the Bible, the holy Bible ♪

♪ Messiah sleeps tonight. ♪

That was wonderful, Peter.

Way better than
our previous choir

who killed half our
congregation during COVID.

You really think you
can just come in here

- and steal our spotlight?
- Aw, Spotlight.

Yeah, before you
came, I was wrist-deep

in every old lady's casserole.

Now I'm lucky
if I get just a sniff

of an old lady's casserole.

I like this story.

If you knew what was good
for you, you'd quit right now.

I'm not quitting. And
I'm not gonna be bullied

by some noodle-armed kids.

Hey, we're tough Catholic
kids. We've been assaulted

by an army of older brothers
and sisters our entire lives.

You ever have an older
sister sit on your head

for an entire Notre
Dame football game?

- Because I have.
- Hey, Peter,

what did the kneeling
apparatus say to the ankle?

- "Pew."
- (grunts)

(boys laugh)

I'm your rides home, guys.

Okay, I'm gonna go heat
up your bottle, Stewie.

I'll be right back.

Hey, how was your "date"?

It's still going.
(clicks tongue)

- I'm pretty close to done with this.
- When we parked the car,

she did that thing
where she leaned over

and unbuckled me
from my car seat.

And she took a little extra time

fishing around for
that bottom safety belt.

You know what that
means. (clicks tongue)

- Please stop.
- The only downside is she has kids.

But I said I'm cool with it, and
whoosh, the doors flew open.

That's a little tip.
I've got a little tip, too.

- (clicks tongue)
- Yes?

- What?
- Someone did... (clicks tongue)

- I'm here now. What is it?
- Oh.

Uh, n-no, I was using that
to punctuate my sentences.

Don't do that. I walked very far

thinking I'd get
a carrot. Very far.

There's no carrots, guys.

So, this is my place.

I'm living with my
parents right now,

which isn't preferred,

but they always keep
yogurt in the fridge,

so that's pretty tight.

All right, good night, Stewie.

I had a really
nice day with you.

- (door closes)
- Wait, that's it?

You're leaving? I thought...

(crying)

Oh, my little buddy.

You're upset. Okay,
okay, I'll tell you what.

You can sleep with Mommy
in the big bed tonight, okay?

The big bed?

Well, Rupert, don't wait
up, 'cause I'm gonna be...

(snoring)

- (knock on door)
- Father,

can I talk to you for a minute?

Peter, come in.
What's on your mind?

It's just I really
like singing here.

I finally found a way I can
positively contribute in church.

But the other choirboys hate me.

You know, a wise man once said,

"The thing about humanity

is that we get
stronger with adversity."

Who said that? Jesus?

No, it was Justin
Bieber's dad on Twitter.

The answer to pretty
much all of life's questions

are on Twitter. Try there.

So you're not gonna help me?

Oh, I'm not allowed
to talk to kids alone.

Not because of anything I did.

It was, you know,
all the other dingbats.

Well, I guess I'm
on my own, then.

MAN: Oh, no, you're not.

♪ ♪

Jesus?

I am here to help
you with your problem.

You're gonna help
me win an Emmy?

Whoa, no, no, no.
Your choir problem.

There's some things
not even I can do.

- Maybe you can ask your dad?
- I'm not gonna ask my dad.

Uh-oh, someone better call Noah,

because I think one of
his hippos fell off the ark.

(laughs) Bible burn.

Come on, guys. I came
here to make peace.

And I brought someone with
me who I think you'll listen to:

Jesus Christ.

♪ ♪

That's not Jesus.
Why's he so tan?

Yeah, everyone knows that
Jesus was Paul Bettany pale.

Guys, it's really me.

Now, let's talk about
the power of forgiveness

while I lean on my own knee.

Ew, look at his toenails.

They're so long and yellow.

They keep growing
after you die, okay?

You guys are
supposed to listen to me.

Hey, want to know what my
favorite book of the Bible is?

The Old Testes-ment.

That's not how you say it.

They're gonna kick
you in the schnutz.

(groans)

Those kids are really mean.

Well, we're taking
a new approach.

You're gonna beat
the crap out of them,

and I'm gonna help you do it.

But would I be the first person

to be violent to someone else
in the name of Jesus Christ?

(chuckles) No, that's kind
of religion's whole deal.

Morning. Sorry if I'm
walking a little funny.

Crazy night.

Hey, so don't tell anybody,

but I slept with
Lois last night.

Who are you gonna tell? Chris?

You can tell Chris.

I don't know what
you think you're doing,

but it's not what you
think you're doing.

Look, all I know is
I woke up sideways

on the other end of the
bed from where I started.

But tonight is the night.

It is going down.

- What is?
- It.

- What's "it"?
- Capital "I," capital "T."

- That's still nothing.
- Turn on Kenny Loggins,

- because "This Is It."
- What?

The IT department called,
and they asked for a lot of RAM.

Well, that one kind
of makes sense.

After tonight, Cousin It
isn't gonna be the only one

- covered in hair.
- Okay, nope. I'm out.

Gonna go finish my
coffee in the sunroom.

Chris was FaceTiming
with a foot in there.

I'm gonna just call
it a day. Go to sleep.

Dogs can just do that.

(snoring)

CHRIS: Does anyone know how to
send athlete's foot spray to Romania?

All right, that's all of 'em.

Good. Now go refill
all the holy water.

What am I doing here?

Stow the hymnals,
dust the altar.

I'm supposed to
be training to fight,

and you're having
me clean the church.

Show me "Sign of the Cross."

No. Really show me.

(grunting)

Now show me "Stow the Hymnals."

(grunting)

Oh, you've been teaching
me this whole time.

I love these scenes.

Now show me "Book of Mark."

Ow! I didn't do
the reading ones.

Tonight is the night, Rupert.

She's gonna be here any minute,

and I need everything
to be perfect.

You finally get to
watch, you little freak.

Oh, well, look at
you, Mr. Sleepyhead.

Mind if I join you?

Don't mind at all.

Wait. Where's that
rippling hot bod?

Oh, it feels good to
have my old body back.

I used that Pedalton
for three days.

They said that
was a world record.

And I am out of here.

No, you can't still watch.

There's nothing to
watch. It's not happening.

♪ ♪

(boys laugh)

(doors open)

We told you to
get lost, Griffin.

I did get lost.

In the power of Christ.

Go get him, boys.

(grunting)

Looks like someone
learned how to fight.

Yeah, I did a whole
Karate Kid thing.

What's that? I'm only allowed
to watch Kirk Cameron movies.

Aw, you poor dude. (grunts)

(grunting)

- (groans) - Just
give up already.

You're finished.

(dramatic music playing)

Finish him.

(grunts)

Yeah! Eat cross!

- You did it, Peter.
- Yeah! High five!

Cool scar.

(rumbling)

(grunts)

(normal voice): Ow, my balls!

Ow, my balls?

Hey, my voice is back to normal.

Oh, well, look at that.

I guess you can't sing
in the choir anymore.

I guess not.

Hey, you guys
want to call a truce?

And maybe don't tell
your dads I beat you up?

Yeah. That's
probably a good idea.

Hey, why you guys
so mean anyway?

What did anybody ever
do to a bunch of choirboys?

- (whispers indistinctly)
- Oh, my stars.

(instrumental version
of "Tragedy" playing)

♪ ♪

Hi, I'm Lois Griffin.

Please, before you buy one
of these pieces of equipment,

think about if it's gonna be
better than watching Ozark.

Thank you.

(grunts) Damn it!
Who put that weight there?!