Family Guy (1998–…): Season 19, Episode 10 - Fecal Matters - full transcript
Peter volunteers at the hospital after making it through a bad flu season and finds himself at a crossroads when his mortal enemy, The Giant Chicken, is admitted to ER. After learning he's part cat, Brian has an identity crisis.
♪ It seems today
that all you see ♪
♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ♪
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪
♪ On which we used to rely? ♪
♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
♪ Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪
♪ All the things that make us ♪
♪ laugh and cry ♪
♪He's... a...
Fam... ily... guy! ♪
*Family Guy*
Season 19 Episode 10
Episode title: "Fecal Matters"
aired on: January 17, 2021
sync corrections by srjanapala
Good evening.
I'm Tom Tucker.
Please don't adjust
your sets.
I've been sneezing
all over the camera.
That's right.
The flu epidemic
has officially
hit quahog.
So, for the rest
of tonight's broadcast,
my mommy will be spoon-feeding
me chicken soup.
- Mommy.
- Tommy.
Hey, guys, I brought a sneeze
home from school.
You want to see it?
Ah-ah...
No...!
Choo!
♪ Do, do, do, do ♪ -
♪ Do, do, do, do ♪
♪ Do, do, do, do ♪
♪ Do, do,
do, do ♪
♪ Do, do, do, do ♪
♪ Do, do,
do, do ♪
♪ Do, do, do, do ♪
♪ Do, do,
do, do. ♪
Damn it,
who's secretly an x-man?
You know, I'm actually starting
to not feel well.
Oh, boy.
Guess we better
line it up for butt temps.
I'll go first and third.
Peter, you look okay.
Would you mind going out
and grabbing
some medicine?
Okay, but if I get a dui,
it's your fault.
You're drunk?
It's after dinner!
Where is everybody?
Hmm.
♪ Glass of cold lemonade ♪
♪ I will do the laundry ♪
♪ If you pay all the bills ♪
♪ Where is my John Wayne? ♪
♪ Where is my prairie song? ♪
♪ Where is my happy ending? ♪
♪ Where have
all the cowboys gone? ♪
Damn it, I give up.
Paula Cole!
Oh, I hate her.
I should've known that.
♪ Why don't you stay... ♪
Two outs,
bottom of the ninth,
man on second,
Red Sox down by a run.
Peter Griffin down
to his last strike.
Here comes the pitch.
Strike three,
and he knew it.
Didn't even get the bat
off his shoulder.
Griffin will almost certainly be
sent down to triple-a pawtucket.
Strike three, and he knew it.
Griffin will almost certainly be
sent to double-a Bristol.
Strike three, and he knew it.
Griffin will certainly be sent
to the dirt field
where they filmed the sandlot.
Strike three, and he knew it.
Mr. Griffin, maybe it's time
to try a different sport.
Five seconds left,
celtics down by one.
Griffin with a clear line
to the basket.
Off his foot and out of bounds!
Stay.
Sorry, I couldn't find a sitter.
So, I ran some tests
and it's official:
You all have the flu.
But luckily
you got here in time.
Doc, this is very important.
How long before
she can make dinner again?
I only know
how to make eggs.
Oh, don't worry. Everyone
should make a full recovery
in a couple of days.
Okay, good.
I can egg my way through that.
I actually wanted
to talk to you, Peter.
It's very rare
that someone would be around
so many infected people
and not get sick themselves.
So I went ahead
and tested you
and I found something
very interesting.
Sadie, quiet.
I'm right here.
Rescues.
Not worth it.
Peter, you appear to have
a very strong immune system.
Kegels.
- What?
- I don't know.
Anyway, this flu season
has decimated the hospital,
and we're
severely short-staffed.
How would you like
to be a male nurse?
Do I get to wear those green
pajama clothes all day?
- Yes.
- I'll do it!
Wow. I've never helped anyone
before.
Well, except for that time I
picked the last piece of bread.
Whoa. You picked me.
I've been skipped and flipped
and reached over
so many times,
I wasn't sure
I'd ever get out.
So, what are you
gonna put on me?
Jelly? Cream cheese?
Maybe some nut butters?
Actually, I'm just using you
to squish a spider.
Aw.
Yuck.
Yuck, yuck, yuck.
You know, last week's flu scare
got me thinking.
I don't know anything
about my genetic makeup
or... what other illnesses
I might be susceptible to.
You know who'd love this story?
Chris.
So, it made me want to do
a 23andme genetic test.
- Chris!
- It says I'm predisposed
to like caffeine.
So true, so true.
I can't even function
without my caff.
I get all grr.
How many more of these
are there?
Whew, don't have
the Alzheimer's gene.
That's good.
And it says I don't have
the Alzheimer's gene,
so that's good.
Hmm.
Wait, what was that?
It was nothing.
Oh, my god. Brian.
You're one percent cat!
And part black.
- What?!
- Whoa!
I was just kidding
about the black thing.
That was a test and you...
Morning, family.
I need breakfast stat.
Are you excited for
your first day as a nurse, dad?
I am. Thanks, mug.
Meg.
M-Mug...
So, how's this gonna work,
dad?
You don't know anything
about medicine.
Oh, there's a lot more
to being a nurse
than medical mumbo jumbo.
For example,
what's the next holiday?
Memorial Day.
- The next one.
- Fourth of July.
- Say "Christmas."
- Christmas.
Eh?
That's good nursing.
Yeah, I agree with Chris.
I don't think you have
the makeup to be a nurse.
- You're impatient...
- Are you done?
And you faint
when you see blood.
I got over that.
Pass the ketchup.
"Oh, don't buy a fainting couch,
stewie.
No one in this house is gonna
need a fainting couch, stewie."
Hey, stewie.
What was that?
Was that a cat stretch?
Oh, my god,
is that what that looks like?
I mean, you said it.
I guess that DNA report
was right on the money.
Nature over nurture.
What are you...
Are you purring?
Do you really think
you're a cat?
Yeah. No, I...
I don't know.
Okay?
I-I just feel different.
I don't care
what that report said.
You're not a cat.
You're what's called
a pretentious absorber.
What's that?
You remember how
Madonna lived in London
for, like, a month
and then started talking
with a British accent?
It's that.
If I weren't a cat,
would I be obsessed
with this scratch post?
That's not a scratch post.
That's Meg's leg.
Don't stop.
Peter, welcome
to your first day.
Doc, this may sound silly,
but...
What do I do?
As a nurse,
it's important to know
how every department
in a hospital works.
So today I need you
to observe surgery.
Peter:
Boo!
Boo! My sister can attach
ventricles better than you!
He's not Jewish!
Come on, everybody!
He's not Jewish!
Peter?
What are you doing here?
I'm your nurse.
So, what brings you in today,
Mr...
- Quagmire?
- Look, I-I don't really feel comfortable
sharing my health problems
with one of my buddies.
Can I get a different nurse?
You're in a hospital, Glenn.
Anything you say is private
and confidential
- and legally protected by hipaa...
- Don't say it.
Potamus.
What's said here
stays here.
So, what's your problem?
Okay. So, I was at home
watching Mrs. Fletcher.
- Mm-hmm.
- It's a pretty sexually driven show,
- and it kinda gets me going.
- Right, right.
So, I'm pretty
revved up and I decide to...
- You know.
- Sure.
And I
don't have a prayer of finishing
...a few notches,
- like, weird notches.
- Uh-huh.
So I look over at my side table and
I see the apple TV remote -
- And I think, "well, that could work."
- Right.
Before I
know it, I've got six apple TV remotes
- taped together and my foot
behind my head. - Got it.
And just as I get everything...
You know...
- - 'Kay.
- Mrs. Fletcher ends
- and watchmen starts, which scares me...
- Mm. Wow.
But now it's too late because
everything's... you know.
Oh, my stars.
Uh, hold on a second.
I got a text.
- What do we got?
- Suspected heart attack.
He's not breathing.
No pulse.
I can save him,
but we got to move fast.
Give me 20cc's
of music factory.
Clear!
♪ Everybody dance now! ♪
Again! Clear!
♪ Everybody dance now! ♪
Clear!
♪ Everybody dance now! ♪
You did it!
Great work.
Don't thank me.
Thank silly '90s songs.
What do we got?
Head injury.
He got knocked down.
We'll get him up again.
I need two milligrams
of chumba
and one of wamba!
Oh, hey, Brian.
You want to come up?
Come on up.
Come on up.
Come on.
Right here.
Jump up.
Pss, pss, pss.
Jump up.
Come on.
There's a spot right here.
Come on up.
Be a friend.
Just jump up.
I know
you want to come up here.
Jump the hell up here,
you dope.
I demand that you jump up here
and be a companion.
Be a companion!
Get up here!
Mommy?
All right.
Now I'm gonna scratch
your forehead for a while,
so don't seem
like you like it at first,
then suddenly bite my hand
for no reason.
Ow! That's it.
I'm gonna go online
and buy you a $70 toy
you'll hate.
Enjoy your soup,
old man whose butt is out.
You!
Geez, what's wrong with you?
We usually start fighting.
I'm dying, Peter.
Oh.
Let me close
your privacy curtains
to make you
more comfortable.
That feel better?
I'm sorry, Dr. Hartman,
but I can't help this patient.
We're really big rivals.
Peter, if I only helped
people I liked,
everyone in this hospital
would be dead.
Just do what I do...
Help them out,
then angry footloose dance-out
your frustrations.
Woman : Dr. Hartman,
please report to cardiology.
- Dr. Hartman.
- I got to go.
This must make you pretty happy.
Seeing me like this.
I took too much ecstasy
in my 20s,
so nothing makes me happy
anymore.
- What's wrong with you anyway?
- Bird flu.
But there's a vaccine for that.
Yeah, loaded with...
Mercury and antifreeze.
No... thank you.
Ah, I knew I hated you
for a good reason.
This is probably
for the best anyway.
There's nothing left
for me in this world.
I lost my job,
I lost my house,
my wife left me
for a bigger cock.
- Cocks are chickens.
- I'm better off dead.
Oh, that's sad.
I agree.
I guess that means
I win, huh?
I guess so.
After all these years, who
thought it would end like this?
Yeah, it's, uh,
kind of anticlimactic.
I... always thought
it would end with me
- eating you for Thanksgiving.
- Eating you for Thanksgiving?
Wait. Birds eat people
on Thanksgiving?
- Yeah.
- Huh. Cool.
Well, a win's a win,
even if it's like this.
And it's too bad.
I had an awesome line
I was gonna say
when I finally beat you.
Oh, yeah?
What was it?
Oh, it was a good one.
Say it.
I got to go.
You get five minutes to
say goodbye to your father.
Sup, Ernie?
Holy moly, that's a huge cock.
Chris, no footsy
under the table.
It's disturbing.
Good evening, family.
Champagne?
Maybe open that facing...
Ah, ****.
My eye!
What are we celebrating?
Is our IRS audit finally over?
Oh, we wish.
Also, we have to put a desk
in the garage and the attic.
Every room needs a desk.
Our house has to be more office
than living space.
Anyway, this champagne
is to celebrate my victory
over the giant chicken.
I saw him at the hospital today.
He's dying, which means
our great feud is finally over,
and I won.
- What feud?
- Wait.
- Peter and the giant chicken?
- Who?
The giant chicken. Come on.
Everybody knows we have a feud.
It's like Bart and sideshow Bob.
Ooh! I love the Bart
and sideshow Bob feud!
Multiple episodes
over multiple seasons.
An ongoing story line
with a classic guest star
played by television legend
Kelsey grammer.
Giant chicken is classic!
- Who plays him?
- Danny Smith.
- Who?
- Danny Smith.
Any-anyway, I won.
Another bottle?
You're the only one...
****! My eye!
The giant chicken
is really dying?
A-Aren't you gonna help him?
You're a nurse.
- You took an oath.
- Actually, I didn't.
I don't get paid, and they
don't even validate my parking.
What about a gofundme?
We're white people. That seems
like the natural response.
No, Lois. I'm not helping him.
He's my enemy.
He gave me a bad coupon
in what online idiots say
was our best season.
Unforgivable,
and I say, good riddance.
Another bottle?
Oh, that's me.
You dick!
You need him, Peter.
Everyone needs a rival.
Wilt had Russell,
bird had magic,
LeBron has his hairline.
Oh, basketball?
I know hair-related
sports things.
Hate is the most important
emotion in life next to love.
When you have someone to hate,
you have something to live for,
someone to beat at something.
I have blue Subaru 8cxx475.
It stole my spot
in a target parking lot
on black Friday
three years ago,
and I've carried a d battery
in my pocket every day since.
This is either gonna break
a windshield, teeth,
or in a perfect world, both.
And the thought of that car
somewhere out there gets me up
every morning.
Vengeance is a powerful
alarm clock.
If the giant chicken dies,
a part of you dies, too, Peter!
And you're gonna be searching
for something
to fill that void
the rest of your life!
That's good, Lois,
but I'm not helping him.
- Helping who?
- The giant chicken.
Oh, yeah, your big rival.
Aah! It was my turn.
Now to curl up on a warm
car hood with a book on tape.
Morgan Freeman:
Garfield tips the scales
as read by Morgan Freeman.
"How did you like your lunch,
Garfield?"
"Burp, burp.
I give it two burps."
Hey, what the hell
are you doing?
Oh. Hey, quagmire.
What, you haven't heard?
I found out I'm a cat.
So, I guess
you and I are cool.
I don't care what you did
to convince yourself
that you're a cat.
You're not a cat, Brian.
I think my genetic makeup
would disagree.
Okay, Brian,
if you're really a cat,
prove it
by jumping off your roof.
If you land on your feet,
safe and sound,
I'll agree that you're a cat.
That's it? Just jump?
Done.
♪ Blame it on my add, baby ♪
♪ sail... ♪
Not a cat.
Nope.
♪
Ah.
I'm dying.
You need him, Peter.
I haven't been home
in years.
Oh, my god.
Lois was right.
I have to help him.
Aah! I pushed too far.
Hey, bri, sorry
that roof jump didn't work out.
I guess you were right
about me.
I'm just a nobody dog.
Well, since you're going
to be laid up,
I got you another book on tape:
Marmaduke as read
by benicio del toro.
Benicio del toro: "Marmaduke,
get out of that bathtub.
You look
like a **** Idiot."
Please take this off my head.
Anyway, I just wanted to say
that you shouldn't need
a DNA report
to know who you really are
on the inside,
so I printed out
a new report for you...
A Brian report,
and here are the results.
You're 30% beagle, 20% hound,
15% terrible writer,
18% alcoholic,
ten percent snoopy and...
Two percent great guy.
Thanks, stewie.
I'm ready for another
Vicodin and peanut butter now.
Time of death: Bob.
- 8:08.
- I know numbers!
It's just been revoked.
I think
he uses that wrong a lot.
Come on! You got to live,
damn it! I need you!
You do have
something to live for: Me!
You hate me, remember?
Remember!
Aren't you gonna do something?
He's punching a dead patient.
Oh, yeah. You're right.
Good idea number 47:
Fight club,
but with hospital people.
You...
♪
Saved me? Why?
Because I hate you.
Every day, I wake up not knowing
if you're gonna
come out of nowhere
and punch me in the face.
I flinch
every time a door opens.
I look over my shoulder
every time I bend down
to tie my shoes.
And I flip my porch light on
every night before I go to bed
just to see
if you're standing there.
Do you have any idea
how exciting that is?
So I didn't save your life
because I like you.
I saved it because...
Because I hate you.
I hate you, too, Peter Griffin.
Also, if you die,
I'll be solely responsible
for all the destruction
we've caused over the years,
so this decision is both
emotional and financial.
You can give him his medicine
now, Dr. Hartman.
You haven't been giving him
his medicine?!
Nah, I'm scared of needles so
I've been faking all my nursing.
This guy's nuts.
Mmm.
Good.
Sync corrections by srjanapala
that all you see ♪
♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ♪
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪
♪ On which we used to rely? ♪
♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
♪ Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪
♪ All the things that make us ♪
♪ laugh and cry ♪
♪He's... a...
Fam... ily... guy! ♪
*Family Guy*
Season 19 Episode 10
Episode title: "Fecal Matters"
aired on: January 17, 2021
sync corrections by srjanapala
Good evening.
I'm Tom Tucker.
Please don't adjust
your sets.
I've been sneezing
all over the camera.
That's right.
The flu epidemic
has officially
hit quahog.
So, for the rest
of tonight's broadcast,
my mommy will be spoon-feeding
me chicken soup.
- Mommy.
- Tommy.
Hey, guys, I brought a sneeze
home from school.
You want to see it?
Ah-ah...
No...!
Choo!
♪ Do, do, do, do ♪ -
♪ Do, do, do, do ♪
♪ Do, do, do, do ♪
♪ Do, do,
do, do ♪
♪ Do, do, do, do ♪
♪ Do, do,
do, do ♪
♪ Do, do, do, do ♪
♪ Do, do,
do, do. ♪
Damn it,
who's secretly an x-man?
You know, I'm actually starting
to not feel well.
Oh, boy.
Guess we better
line it up for butt temps.
I'll go first and third.
Peter, you look okay.
Would you mind going out
and grabbing
some medicine?
Okay, but if I get a dui,
it's your fault.
You're drunk?
It's after dinner!
Where is everybody?
Hmm.
♪ Glass of cold lemonade ♪
♪ I will do the laundry ♪
♪ If you pay all the bills ♪
♪ Where is my John Wayne? ♪
♪ Where is my prairie song? ♪
♪ Where is my happy ending? ♪
♪ Where have
all the cowboys gone? ♪
Damn it, I give up.
Paula Cole!
Oh, I hate her.
I should've known that.
♪ Why don't you stay... ♪
Two outs,
bottom of the ninth,
man on second,
Red Sox down by a run.
Peter Griffin down
to his last strike.
Here comes the pitch.
Strike three,
and he knew it.
Didn't even get the bat
off his shoulder.
Griffin will almost certainly be
sent down to triple-a pawtucket.
Strike three, and he knew it.
Griffin will almost certainly be
sent to double-a Bristol.
Strike three, and he knew it.
Griffin will certainly be sent
to the dirt field
where they filmed the sandlot.
Strike three, and he knew it.
Mr. Griffin, maybe it's time
to try a different sport.
Five seconds left,
celtics down by one.
Griffin with a clear line
to the basket.
Off his foot and out of bounds!
Stay.
Sorry, I couldn't find a sitter.
So, I ran some tests
and it's official:
You all have the flu.
But luckily
you got here in time.
Doc, this is very important.
How long before
she can make dinner again?
I only know
how to make eggs.
Oh, don't worry. Everyone
should make a full recovery
in a couple of days.
Okay, good.
I can egg my way through that.
I actually wanted
to talk to you, Peter.
It's very rare
that someone would be around
so many infected people
and not get sick themselves.
So I went ahead
and tested you
and I found something
very interesting.
Sadie, quiet.
I'm right here.
Rescues.
Not worth it.
Peter, you appear to have
a very strong immune system.
Kegels.
- What?
- I don't know.
Anyway, this flu season
has decimated the hospital,
and we're
severely short-staffed.
How would you like
to be a male nurse?
Do I get to wear those green
pajama clothes all day?
- Yes.
- I'll do it!
Wow. I've never helped anyone
before.
Well, except for that time I
picked the last piece of bread.
Whoa. You picked me.
I've been skipped and flipped
and reached over
so many times,
I wasn't sure
I'd ever get out.
So, what are you
gonna put on me?
Jelly? Cream cheese?
Maybe some nut butters?
Actually, I'm just using you
to squish a spider.
Aw.
Yuck.
Yuck, yuck, yuck.
You know, last week's flu scare
got me thinking.
I don't know anything
about my genetic makeup
or... what other illnesses
I might be susceptible to.
You know who'd love this story?
Chris.
So, it made me want to do
a 23andme genetic test.
- Chris!
- It says I'm predisposed
to like caffeine.
So true, so true.
I can't even function
without my caff.
I get all grr.
How many more of these
are there?
Whew, don't have
the Alzheimer's gene.
That's good.
And it says I don't have
the Alzheimer's gene,
so that's good.
Hmm.
Wait, what was that?
It was nothing.
Oh, my god. Brian.
You're one percent cat!
And part black.
- What?!
- Whoa!
I was just kidding
about the black thing.
That was a test and you...
Morning, family.
I need breakfast stat.
Are you excited for
your first day as a nurse, dad?
I am. Thanks, mug.
Meg.
M-Mug...
So, how's this gonna work,
dad?
You don't know anything
about medicine.
Oh, there's a lot more
to being a nurse
than medical mumbo jumbo.
For example,
what's the next holiday?
Memorial Day.
- The next one.
- Fourth of July.
- Say "Christmas."
- Christmas.
Eh?
That's good nursing.
Yeah, I agree with Chris.
I don't think you have
the makeup to be a nurse.
- You're impatient...
- Are you done?
And you faint
when you see blood.
I got over that.
Pass the ketchup.
"Oh, don't buy a fainting couch,
stewie.
No one in this house is gonna
need a fainting couch, stewie."
Hey, stewie.
What was that?
Was that a cat stretch?
Oh, my god,
is that what that looks like?
I mean, you said it.
I guess that DNA report
was right on the money.
Nature over nurture.
What are you...
Are you purring?
Do you really think
you're a cat?
Yeah. No, I...
I don't know.
Okay?
I-I just feel different.
I don't care
what that report said.
You're not a cat.
You're what's called
a pretentious absorber.
What's that?
You remember how
Madonna lived in London
for, like, a month
and then started talking
with a British accent?
It's that.
If I weren't a cat,
would I be obsessed
with this scratch post?
That's not a scratch post.
That's Meg's leg.
Don't stop.
Peter, welcome
to your first day.
Doc, this may sound silly,
but...
What do I do?
As a nurse,
it's important to know
how every department
in a hospital works.
So today I need you
to observe surgery.
Peter:
Boo!
Boo! My sister can attach
ventricles better than you!
He's not Jewish!
Come on, everybody!
He's not Jewish!
Peter?
What are you doing here?
I'm your nurse.
So, what brings you in today,
Mr...
- Quagmire?
- Look, I-I don't really feel comfortable
sharing my health problems
with one of my buddies.
Can I get a different nurse?
You're in a hospital, Glenn.
Anything you say is private
and confidential
- and legally protected by hipaa...
- Don't say it.
Potamus.
What's said here
stays here.
So, what's your problem?
Okay. So, I was at home
watching Mrs. Fletcher.
- Mm-hmm.
- It's a pretty sexually driven show,
- and it kinda gets me going.
- Right, right.
So, I'm pretty
revved up and I decide to...
- You know.
- Sure.
And I
don't have a prayer of finishing
...a few notches,
- like, weird notches.
- Uh-huh.
So I look over at my side table and
I see the apple TV remote -
- And I think, "well, that could work."
- Right.
Before I
know it, I've got six apple TV remotes
- taped together and my foot
behind my head. - Got it.
And just as I get everything...
You know...
- - 'Kay.
- Mrs. Fletcher ends
- and watchmen starts, which scares me...
- Mm. Wow.
But now it's too late because
everything's... you know.
Oh, my stars.
Uh, hold on a second.
I got a text.
- What do we got?
- Suspected heart attack.
He's not breathing.
No pulse.
I can save him,
but we got to move fast.
Give me 20cc's
of music factory.
Clear!
♪ Everybody dance now! ♪
Again! Clear!
♪ Everybody dance now! ♪
Clear!
♪ Everybody dance now! ♪
You did it!
Great work.
Don't thank me.
Thank silly '90s songs.
What do we got?
Head injury.
He got knocked down.
We'll get him up again.
I need two milligrams
of chumba
and one of wamba!
Oh, hey, Brian.
You want to come up?
Come on up.
Come on up.
Come on.
Right here.
Jump up.
Pss, pss, pss.
Jump up.
Come on.
There's a spot right here.
Come on up.
Be a friend.
Just jump up.
I know
you want to come up here.
Jump the hell up here,
you dope.
I demand that you jump up here
and be a companion.
Be a companion!
Get up here!
Mommy?
All right.
Now I'm gonna scratch
your forehead for a while,
so don't seem
like you like it at first,
then suddenly bite my hand
for no reason.
Ow! That's it.
I'm gonna go online
and buy you a $70 toy
you'll hate.
Enjoy your soup,
old man whose butt is out.
You!
Geez, what's wrong with you?
We usually start fighting.
I'm dying, Peter.
Oh.
Let me close
your privacy curtains
to make you
more comfortable.
That feel better?
I'm sorry, Dr. Hartman,
but I can't help this patient.
We're really big rivals.
Peter, if I only helped
people I liked,
everyone in this hospital
would be dead.
Just do what I do...
Help them out,
then angry footloose dance-out
your frustrations.
Woman : Dr. Hartman,
please report to cardiology.
- Dr. Hartman.
- I got to go.
This must make you pretty happy.
Seeing me like this.
I took too much ecstasy
in my 20s,
so nothing makes me happy
anymore.
- What's wrong with you anyway?
- Bird flu.
But there's a vaccine for that.
Yeah, loaded with...
Mercury and antifreeze.
No... thank you.
Ah, I knew I hated you
for a good reason.
This is probably
for the best anyway.
There's nothing left
for me in this world.
I lost my job,
I lost my house,
my wife left me
for a bigger cock.
- Cocks are chickens.
- I'm better off dead.
Oh, that's sad.
I agree.
I guess that means
I win, huh?
I guess so.
After all these years, who
thought it would end like this?
Yeah, it's, uh,
kind of anticlimactic.
I... always thought
it would end with me
- eating you for Thanksgiving.
- Eating you for Thanksgiving?
Wait. Birds eat people
on Thanksgiving?
- Yeah.
- Huh. Cool.
Well, a win's a win,
even if it's like this.
And it's too bad.
I had an awesome line
I was gonna say
when I finally beat you.
Oh, yeah?
What was it?
Oh, it was a good one.
Say it.
I got to go.
You get five minutes to
say goodbye to your father.
Sup, Ernie?
Holy moly, that's a huge cock.
Chris, no footsy
under the table.
It's disturbing.
Good evening, family.
Champagne?
Maybe open that facing...
Ah, ****.
My eye!
What are we celebrating?
Is our IRS audit finally over?
Oh, we wish.
Also, we have to put a desk
in the garage and the attic.
Every room needs a desk.
Our house has to be more office
than living space.
Anyway, this champagne
is to celebrate my victory
over the giant chicken.
I saw him at the hospital today.
He's dying, which means
our great feud is finally over,
and I won.
- What feud?
- Wait.
- Peter and the giant chicken?
- Who?
The giant chicken. Come on.
Everybody knows we have a feud.
It's like Bart and sideshow Bob.
Ooh! I love the Bart
and sideshow Bob feud!
Multiple episodes
over multiple seasons.
An ongoing story line
with a classic guest star
played by television legend
Kelsey grammer.
Giant chicken is classic!
- Who plays him?
- Danny Smith.
- Who?
- Danny Smith.
Any-anyway, I won.
Another bottle?
You're the only one...
****! My eye!
The giant chicken
is really dying?
A-Aren't you gonna help him?
You're a nurse.
- You took an oath.
- Actually, I didn't.
I don't get paid, and they
don't even validate my parking.
What about a gofundme?
We're white people. That seems
like the natural response.
No, Lois. I'm not helping him.
He's my enemy.
He gave me a bad coupon
in what online idiots say
was our best season.
Unforgivable,
and I say, good riddance.
Another bottle?
Oh, that's me.
You dick!
You need him, Peter.
Everyone needs a rival.
Wilt had Russell,
bird had magic,
LeBron has his hairline.
Oh, basketball?
I know hair-related
sports things.
Hate is the most important
emotion in life next to love.
When you have someone to hate,
you have something to live for,
someone to beat at something.
I have blue Subaru 8cxx475.
It stole my spot
in a target parking lot
on black Friday
three years ago,
and I've carried a d battery
in my pocket every day since.
This is either gonna break
a windshield, teeth,
or in a perfect world, both.
And the thought of that car
somewhere out there gets me up
every morning.
Vengeance is a powerful
alarm clock.
If the giant chicken dies,
a part of you dies, too, Peter!
And you're gonna be searching
for something
to fill that void
the rest of your life!
That's good, Lois,
but I'm not helping him.
- Helping who?
- The giant chicken.
Oh, yeah, your big rival.
Aah! It was my turn.
Now to curl up on a warm
car hood with a book on tape.
Morgan Freeman:
Garfield tips the scales
as read by Morgan Freeman.
"How did you like your lunch,
Garfield?"
"Burp, burp.
I give it two burps."
Hey, what the hell
are you doing?
Oh. Hey, quagmire.
What, you haven't heard?
I found out I'm a cat.
So, I guess
you and I are cool.
I don't care what you did
to convince yourself
that you're a cat.
You're not a cat, Brian.
I think my genetic makeup
would disagree.
Okay, Brian,
if you're really a cat,
prove it
by jumping off your roof.
If you land on your feet,
safe and sound,
I'll agree that you're a cat.
That's it? Just jump?
Done.
♪ Blame it on my add, baby ♪
♪ sail... ♪
Not a cat.
Nope.
♪
Ah.
I'm dying.
You need him, Peter.
I haven't been home
in years.
Oh, my god.
Lois was right.
I have to help him.
Aah! I pushed too far.
Hey, bri, sorry
that roof jump didn't work out.
I guess you were right
about me.
I'm just a nobody dog.
Well, since you're going
to be laid up,
I got you another book on tape:
Marmaduke as read
by benicio del toro.
Benicio del toro: "Marmaduke,
get out of that bathtub.
You look
like a **** Idiot."
Please take this off my head.
Anyway, I just wanted to say
that you shouldn't need
a DNA report
to know who you really are
on the inside,
so I printed out
a new report for you...
A Brian report,
and here are the results.
You're 30% beagle, 20% hound,
15% terrible writer,
18% alcoholic,
ten percent snoopy and...
Two percent great guy.
Thanks, stewie.
I'm ready for another
Vicodin and peanut butter now.
Time of death: Bob.
- 8:08.
- I know numbers!
It's just been revoked.
I think
he uses that wrong a lot.
Come on! You got to live,
damn it! I need you!
You do have
something to live for: Me!
You hate me, remember?
Remember!
Aren't you gonna do something?
He's punching a dead patient.
Oh, yeah. You're right.
Good idea number 47:
Fight club,
but with hospital people.
You...
♪
Saved me? Why?
Because I hate you.
Every day, I wake up not knowing
if you're gonna
come out of nowhere
and punch me in the face.
I flinch
every time a door opens.
I look over my shoulder
every time I bend down
to tie my shoes.
And I flip my porch light on
every night before I go to bed
just to see
if you're standing there.
Do you have any idea
how exciting that is?
So I didn't save your life
because I like you.
I saved it because...
Because I hate you.
I hate you, too, Peter Griffin.
Also, if you die,
I'll be solely responsible
for all the destruction
we've caused over the years,
so this decision is both
emotional and financial.
You can give him his medicine
now, Dr. Hartman.
You haven't been giving him
his medicine?!
Nah, I'm scared of needles so
I've been faking all my nursing.
This guy's nuts.
Mmm.
Good.
Sync corrections by srjanapala