Family Guy (1998–…): Season 19, Episode 11 - Boy's Best Friend - full transcript

? Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ?

? But where are those
good old-fashioned values ?

? On which we used to rely? ?

? Lucky there's a family guy ?

? Lucky there's a man who
positively can do ?

? All the things that make us ?

? Laugh and cry ?

? He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy! ?

Well, here we are.

Time for everyone
to get new shoes.

Hi. Can I help you
find something?



What's she gonna do?

This place doesn't even
have a back room.

All the inventory's
just out on the floor

in ceiling-high library stacks.

Yup, we got it, Stewie.
You're better than this place.

Yeah, I know that.
I'm better than every place.

Yes, my son needs
a new pair of shoes.

Okay, let's just
see what his size is.

Looks like a ten and a half.

They're perfect. I'll take 'em.

No, those aren't the shoes.

(robotic): Do not speak
in that tone to the Iron Giant.

Must destroy shoebox city.

Sorry.
He's a little out of sorts.



He saw a bra in the window
of Lane Bryant on the way over.

They're, um...
they're pretty big.

They are a remarkable feat
of engineering.

That and the Ferris wheel
I will never understand.

Yeah, for me, it's paper bags.

I mean, there's a door
in it, but no exit?

-What's that about?
-(laughs)

I was serious about the bag,
but, hi.

-I'm Brian.
-Holly.

Holly... are you free
on Friday night?

Well, I don't know.
Are you a shoe store murderer?

N-N-No.

There's more than you'd think.

Like, if you were me, that's not
a ridiculous question.

See you Friday.

Good for you, Brian.

Maybe you can take her
to the Cheesecake Factory.

People seem to like that place.

Did you folks find something
on the menu you'd like?

No. 110 pages, and no.

? ?

-What's all this?
-Oh, hey, guys.

Uh, sadly, my Uncle Ray
passed away last week,

but he left me
his vintage sports car.

Joe, that's amazing
that your uncle died.

But I'm really sorry
to hear about the car.

He means that
the other way around.

Uncle Ray also left
strict instructions

for me to show his car
at the Classic Car Show

in Providence this weekend.

Classic Car Show?

Isn't that one
of those gatherings

of a bunch of guys
whose penises don't work?

Correct. Anyone with
a perfectly-restored classic car

for sure has a bum wiener.

Uh, he also left me
everything I'd need

to convert my garage
to a 1950s-style diner.

See, here are all the 1950s
Coke signs from the 1980s.

Oh, cool, and a jukebox!

Yeah, but since the songs
are from the '50s

they're all about men
in their 40s

wanting to have sex
with teenagers.

? I wanna...
be-bop a teeny bopper ?

? At the sock hop ?

? Or maybe after work
behind the malt shop... ?

(new 1950s song intro begins)

? 13 candles ?

? Is probably enough... ?

? Nine, ten, 11-year-old,
12-year-old sex ?

? I'm gonna sleep
with all the kids tonight! ?

Joe, stop pressing buttons.

("Somethin' Stupid"
playing in distance)

? And then I go
and spoil it all ?

? By saying somethin' stupid ?

? Like "I love you." ?

(scattered applause)

Boy, I forgot
how great that song is.

I know, right? It's definitely
my favorite romantic love song

sung by a father
to his daughter.

Ooh, we should
put in our next song.

Good thinking.

Yes, we'd like
to request "Witchcraft,"

as arranged
by Mr. Nelson Riddle.

(sighs)
Okay, give me a minute.

You should just know

there's a 21st
birthday party here,

and you're ruining it for them.

Wow.
3:00 a.m.

We practically
shut the place down.

And quite a night.
We got to sing two songs.

Do you mind if I kiss you?

Actually, I should
chew some gum first.

I had bologna for dinner.

Get over here.

(both moaning)

Oh, yeah,
that's good kiss bologna.

Oh, hey, guys,
what's the word?

Uh, bird.
Bird is the word.

But we were wondering
if you'd take us

for a spin in your new car.

Yeah, that's a great idea.
Hop in.

Vroom! Vroom!
Vroom! Vroom!

(imitates clicking,
engine revving)

(imitates gear shifting)

Uh, what-what...
what's happening right now?

Close your eyes, gang, as we hit
the Kancamagus Highway.

Just four miles
to Mount Washington.

What the hell
are you doing, Joe?

We want to go for a real drive.

This is a real drive.
Just imagine it.

Feel that New Hampshire air.

Joe, we're not in New Hampshire.
We're in your driveway.

Oh, great, some knucklehead
is tailgating us.

What's the hurry, pal?

Oh, I see so many birds.

Well, we're in a tunnel, so I'm
not sure how that's possible.

Joe, stop this car right now.

-The car is stopped.
-(imitates gears grinding)

(sighs) Always have trouble
finding third.

(imitates brake squeaking)
Okay, what's up?

You got this amazing car.
Why can't we take it out?

Well, ever since I was nine,

I've dreamed
of driving this car someday.

But I'm not allowed.
It's in my uncle's will.

Even when I take it
to the car show,

I have to put it up
on a trailer.

Malcolm in the Middle,
five nights a week

on Manchester's Channel 12.

Cleveland, stop reading
fake billboards.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

I'm off to taste the delights
of downtown Nashua.

I don't care what Joe says.

This is too nice a car
not to drive it.

Are you suggesting we take it
out without telling Joe?

He's left us no choice.

I can't just sit in a car
and pretend to drive,

like-like I had to pretend
to be impressed

by Quagmire's
new big, green grill.

This is the largest
high-performance

ceramic cooker available, Peter.

-NSF Certified.
-Ah, yeah, cool.

I'm starving. When do we...
when do we fire this thing up?

(laughing):
Fire-fire this thing up?

Get a load of this guy.
You don't just fire it up.

You slowly bring it
to temperature.

(sighs)
Okay.

When do we put the burgers on?

B-B-Burgers?
Are you hearing this?

You don't put burgers on a grill
of this quality, Peter.

I've been brining a heritage
breed chicken for three days.

(sighs)
Then can we put that on?

Yes. At midnight,
when it's reached temperature.

Then why am I here now?

Because I need your help
to move the grill a single inch.

(both grunting)

(sighs)
Well, let's just listen to music

on my high-end stereo system.

Nice.
Let's crank it.

(laughing):
C-C-Crank it?

You hear this clown?

I only use it
to listen to podcasts.

MAN:
Today on The Moth,

how a single pair of shoes
reunited two sisters.

So, big date, huh?

You must really like this girl.

Honestly, I think
Holly could be... the one.

Brian, you strike me
as a very selfless lover.

Is that true?
Are you a selfless lover?

Stop saying "selfless lover."

Have you been reading
Lois' romance novels again?

A few,
but I'm just saying I bet

your coital congress will send
Holly into paroxysms of ecstasy.

-Knock it off.
-What? I'm being supportive.

After all,
confidence will help you

maintain optimal stamina
during your lovemaking.

-That's enough.
-Have it your way, Brian.

I myself am a student
of the pleasures of the flesh.

(slurping)

Listen to your lover, Brian.

(stomach gurgling)

Ugh, damn it.
Anxiety dump.

(stomach gurgling)

-(unzips)
-Ah, that's better.

Oh, uh, is-is Holly here?

You must be the new jerk
my mom is dating.

Uh, and you must be the kid

she never told me about.

I host Family Guy repeats
in Germany.

GERMAN ANNOUNCER: German
Family Guy is brought to you

by rail-thin men
in Internet pornos going,

"Ooh-aah, ooh-aah, ooh-aah!"

I'm sorry I never
told you I had a son.

Some guys get scared off.

No, no, that-that's great.

I'm-I'm terrific with kids.

I actually have a kid.

Aw, that's sweet.
How old is he?

Uh, I don't know.
How long ago was Ratatouille?

Well, I'm gonna
go finish getting ready.

Why don't you guys get
to know each other a little?

So, uh, is there a dad that you
spend weeks of your time with?

My dad moved to Florida.

Sounds right. What, um...
what grade are you in, bud?

-Second.
-You don't say.

Boy, I bet things are different
than they were in my day.

Lot of school shootings now.

-What?!
-Oh, no. No, no, I...
No, I just meant...

Like-like, people
bring guns to school?

What? No, no,
I'm-I'm not saying...

And they just shoot kids?!

Well, you can hide
under your desk.

The desks won't be enough!
(crying)

All set.
You guys getting along?

Yup, just great. All right,
let's go eat at a waffle house,

and then I'll show you
all my bow-hunting carcasses.

That sounds like
a perfectly normal date.

? ?

Okay, I got a perfect way

to distract Joe
while we take his car.

There's literally
no phone survey he won't take.

-(phone ringing)
-Hello?

Yes, Joe Swanson?

On a scale of one to ten,

how happy are you
with your Wi-Fi service?

Well, I'd say it's Wi-Fine.
(chuckles)

I came up with that
ten months ago

in anticipation
of this very call.

Ha. Terrific.
And would you be willing

to take a half-hour survey

in your far upstairs bedroom
while facing the wall?

Also, how loud does your TV get?

BONNIE:
Don't be long, Joe!
I'm expecting a call.

I'll take the time I need!

This is the Wi-Fi call.

(engine starts)

Great job
hot-wiring the car, Cleveland.

The key was in the ashtray,

but your presumption
will not be forgotten.

(engine revving)

(sighs)
You know, you're the Cub Scout.

We're supposed to be making this
Pinewood Derby car together.

I don't care.

Hey, you're one kid,
and we're four kids,

-so we're gonna bully you.
-(grunts)

Knock it off.

Or what,
Kyle-Kyle-Dog-Poop-Pile?

Hey, guys?
Let's take it easy

and maybe not use canine feces
as a taunt. That's hurtful.

What?
(chuckles)

He's just saying
that Kyle's a little baby

who's too stupid to even know
how to stand up for himself.

What are you
gonna do, baby-- cry?

-(growling)
-(screaming)

Let go of me!
Stop!

-You're crazy!
-You leave him alone!

(barking)

Whoa.
Thanks, Brian.

Nobody's ever stood up for me
like that before.

Well, I think my instincts
just kicked in.

Want to help me sand your car?

Yeah.
Definitely.

Animal control?

I'd like to schedule
an emergency neutering.

? ?

Man, I can't get over
how old-timey

everything in this car is.

I know.
Check out what's on the radio.

NEWSWMAN:
President Kennedy has been
shot.

NEWSMAN 2:
The martians are now
traveling to New Jersey.

MAN:
? Beatles song, Beatles song ?

? La, la, la, la, la. ?

Ah, that last one
brings back a lot of memories.

Wow, this baby
handles like a dream.

Do you guys mind
if I drive with my knees

while I make some last-minute
fantasy football changes?

-Look out!
-(tires screeching)

-Oh, my God!
-Holy crap!

Aw, man,
Joe is gonna be so pissed.

Thank God all we hit
were those trash cans.

Oh, my God.
Oscar!

(grunts)
Tell my ex-wife...

to go (bleep) herself.

Very on-brand.

Right up to the end.

Thank you so much for having
Kyle and me over for dinner.

Everything is delicious,
Mrs. Griffin.

Well, I wasn't sure
what a divorc?e eats,

so I just assumed fried things.

No, that's perfect.

What about this guy? Did he help
with any of the cooking?

Brian is not allowed
to touch communal food

because his feet
smell like the street.

I like when you measured my feet
at the store,

Brian's girlfriend.

Well, it...
it was my pleasure, Chris.

I'm not actually sure
if my shoes fit right now.

Um, could you do that thing

where you push your thumb
on my big toe?

Chris, you're within six years
of the same age

as this kid you've never met
and have nothing in common with.

Why don't you go up to your room

and have
an awkward time together.

Um, okay.
Want to go upstairs

and accidentally break
one of my toys and I'll hit you?

I guess.

CHRIS:
Hey, don't touch that!

-(thud)
-(slap)

Mom!
He blocked my punch and hit me!

I knew they'd get along.

You know, Kyle and I actually
have to get going anyway,

but thanks so much.

Hey, Holly, before you go,

settle an argument
between me and my wife.

When measuring yourself,
what do you count as the base?

-Peter.
-What? She measures stuff
for a living.

Let me start
by saying I am taint inclusive.

All right,
I like where this is heading.

Well, thanks again for coming.

Oh, hey, you know,
I was thinking

we could take Kyle
to Bob's Funland on Saturday.

Oh. Really?

Yeah, I have to go there to buy
Adderall anyway, so I thought...

Brian, stop.
I just... We can't go.

-What? Why?
-Honestly, I've been thinking...

STEWIE:
Uh-oh!

Wh... W-What are you saying?

Well, Brian, I'm still young.

STEWIE:
Oh, she's saying you're not.

And the truth is
I'd like to date other people.

STEWIE (chuckles):
Oh, nail, meet coffin.

In fact, my old boyfriend
is single again,

and he happens to be
a very selfless lover.

STEWIE:
Dude, I told you.

But i-if we break up,

does that mean
I won't get to see Kyle, either?

I guess not.

I'm sorry, Brian.

? ?

Touch my feet!

-Touch my feet!
-Aah!

(sighs)

(sighs)

-Oh. Hey, Stewie.
-Hey... you.

-Feeling down?
-Yeah.

Ah, don't worry about Holly.

"There are other fish
in the sea"

is what is usually said
at a time like this.

-That's the thing.
It's not even Holly.
-Ugh. There's more?

I mean, the person I actually
miss hanging out with is Kyle.

We'd formed a real connection,

and I sort of liked
being a father figure to him.

That's... that's nice, Brian.

Kyle and I
had actual fun together.

I mean, most kids suck.

They just want to sit around
and play Candy Land.

-Yeah. Hell of a game.
-No, it's not.
Candy Land is terrible.

There's not even any skill
to it.

Uh, okay.
Um, you know what, Brian?

You're hurt right now,

and you're-you're saying things
that you don't mean.

But listen,
if you miss Kyle that much,

-you should go find him.
-Thanks. Maybe I will.

Just hope
he doesn't want to play

some stupid game like Go Fish.

Go Fish is a thinking man's game

of inquiry and consequence.
You know what?

You know, I-I don't... I don't
have to explain myself to you.

Go-go on.
Go find your kid.

Damn it, what the hell
are we gonna do?

-Joe's gonna be furious.
-Relax, Quagmire.

From what I know
about car accidents,

you can total your car,
completely walk away from it

and still be Caitlyn Jenner.

Besides, I'm pretty sure
I can pound this out.

What the hell are you doing?

-Crap, Joe's gonna kill us.
-Quagmire's right.

Remember how upset he got
when they canceled Psych?

(crying)

Now who's gonna
expose charlatans

by pretending to be psychic in
the greater Santa Barbara area?

Oh, my God.

What? What is this?

Is this Ferris Bueller?

Yeah, it's Ferris Bueller.

Hundred percent
on Ferris Bueller.

Well, I'm glad
we got that settled.

It's Fast Times
at Ridgemont High, you idiot!

Joe, we all watched it
a week ago.

Oh, yeah. You know, I enjoy
movies while I'm watching them,

but the second they're over,
I can't remember a thing.

Except Forrest Gump.

(imitating Forrest Gump):
"Try one of my candies.

It'll tell you about life."

(chuckles)
I can't forget that beauty.

But what happened to my car?!

We're really sorry, Joe.

We took it without asking
and wrecked it.

I like When Harry Met Sally...

"I'll have the food
what made that lady came."

You guys ruined my uncle's car.

We're so sorry, Joe.

-It's okay. I'm not mad.
-You're not?

No.
In fact, uh,

all I feel is relief.

Caring for a car like that
requires round the clock effort.

Do you know how much
of a pain in the ass that is?

BONNIE:
Yes!

I mean, cars are meant
to be driven,

not kept in a garage.

But it's too late now.
I mean, look at it.

I couldn't drive this car
even if I wanted to.

I'm not so sure about that.

? ?

I'm doing it! I'm doing it!
This is awesome!

I'm really d...
Oh,

stop sign, Quagmire, stop sign!

(tires screech)

Joe's legs are, um...
colder than I expected.

No blood.

(cheering)

Brian, you made it!

-Hey, buddy.
-What are you doing here?

Holly, I was a terrible dad
with my own son,

but I feel like I've made
a true connection with Kyle.

Whoa, did you earn a ribbon?

No, it's a bookmark
with a Bible verse on it.

The priest was giving them out.

Oh. Weird.
Well, how'd our car do?

Second to last.
But I don't care.

I had so much fun
making it with you.

Me too, Kyle.

(whistle blows)

Okay, thanks
for a great event, everyone,

but we need to clear out.

There's a sex offender meeting
in ten minutes,

and we can't have any overlap.

Thank you, Brian.
It was sweet of you to come.

Aw.

Say, Brian, what are you doing
Saturday night?

Hi. I'm almost ready.

Great.

-How you doing, champ?
-(knocking)

Okay, Cliff and I should
be back by midnight.

I left money for you two
to order a pizza.

Sounds perfect.

All right, Kyle,
what do you say you and me

watch some Stranger Things ?

MORGAN FREEMAN:
Brian made Kyle
bread and butter,

and kept the pizza money.

Ich bin froh,
dass alles wieder normal ist.

Tut mir leid wegen
deinem Auto, Joe.

Es ist in Ordnung.

Wo ist nun Jerome
mit den wiener?

(giggles)
Wiener.

Guten nacht,

von das Disney Corporation.

Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH