Family Guy (1998–…): Season 18, Episode 18 - Better Off Meg - full transcript
The Griffins experience life without Meg when she's erroneously reported to have died in a car crash, and she goes along with the story to start a new life elsewhere.
? It seems today
that all you see ?
? Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ?
? But where are those
good old-fashioned values ?
? On which we used to rely? ?
? Lucky there's a family guy ?
? Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ?
? All the things that make us ?
? Laugh and cry ?
? He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy! ?
All right. Empty school.
Time to Shining my way
through the halls.
? ?
Principal Shepherd,
where is everyone?!
(in low, monotone voice):
Principal Shepherd's not here,
Miss Griffin.
Why are you talking like that?
Sorry. That was Tony,
the little boy
who lives in my mouth.
Why are you here?
It's skip day.
It's skip day?
Nobody told me.
She's unpopular
and unattractive.
Tony!
Hello?! Chris?
Did you know it was skip day?
Mom? Dad?
(beeps)
(phone ringing)
Hello?
MEG:
Mom? Where are you guys?
Who is this?
It's Meg.
Where is everyone?
Well, this can't be Meg.
She's with us here at the pier.
-Who is that?
-Someone who says she's Meg.
Give me that.
Okay, Meg, if this is you,
what's your birthday?
March 23.
I have no idea
if that's correct.
-Good day, sir.
-(beeps)
Sorry about that, everyone.
Now let's get back to the fair
and enjoy our March 23.
(bowling pins clacking,
quiet chatter)
The usual, please.
Here ya are--
ladies' seven on the left,
and men's 11 on the right.
I just need a license.
Thanks.
Oh! And happy birthday!
Yes!
(Western-style theme plays)
BRUCE (singsongy):
We have not updated those.
Good evening. I'm Tom Tucker.
Coming up,
I find even more sand
on my body from a beach toilet
I used a week ago.
But first,
tragedy strikes close to home,
as a car crash near
my apartment claims the life
of a local teen girl.
The victim's identity
is being withheld
pending notification
of the family.
(knocking)
Hey, buddy.
What brings you around at this
late hour with your uniform on
and your hat held mournfully
against your chest?
Peter, Lois,
it pains me above the waist
to tell you that Meg is dead.
-What?!
-What are you talking about?
Meg's right here.
(wind whistling)
(all gasp)
You know, it's weird that didn't
happen on the pier all day.
Or when we rented
that convertible.
How did this happen?!
She got in a car wreck, and
was burned beyond recognition,
and I leveled up on Fortnite
this weekend,
but you probably only care
about the first two things.
Oh, dear God, no! (cries)
All we found was Meg's
driver's license at the scene.
It had her Quiznos punch card
stuck to the back.
Your little angel was
one stamp away from a free sub,
which only adds
to this horrific tragedy.
It's actually pretty impressive,
because the card was only issued
three days ago.
Usually one of the guys would
swipe a thing like this,
use it on the way home,
but I snagged it for ya.
Thought Meg's family ought
to be the ones
to enjoy the free sandwich.
Again, I'm very sorry.
(lights buzzing)
TOM:
Oh, hang on.
Oh, they told the family?
Great!
The girl killed near
my apartment was Meg Griffin.
What? I'm not dead!
She was burned
beyond recognition
but identified
by her driver's license.
156 pounds.
Yikes.
Wait. Did you give my ID
to the wrong girl?
Sorry. Them shoe spray fumes
made me all goofy in my head.
(inhales deeply)
I'm still sober.
This ain't cheatin'!
Oh, this is me being sober!
(sighs)
So I guess I'm dead.
And no one cares.
TOM:
Again, for those of you
in a new scene:
Meg Griffin dead.
(sad, orchestral music plays)
? ?
(organ plays solemn hymn)
Lois,
can you believe these seats?
Front row!
I hope the priest pulls me up
on stage and dances with me.
When I was hastily relocated
to this parish a week ago,
the last thing
I thought I'd have to do is
stand before you
on such a sad occasion.
A family losing a child is like
a Trivial Pursuit wheel
losing a pie piece.
And you have to keep reminding
everyone playing the game,
"Don't forget. I already got
'Entertainment'." What a pain.
Your first speaker--
Principal Shepherd.
Meg Griffin was an honest man,
a kind man,
a man who knew how...
(whispering)
Oh, my stars!
I have nothing.
Kind of feel bad.
There's nobody here.
I know. We're not even here.
(electrical hissing)
(video game beeping)
This was the right decision.
Hey, Chris, I'm super sorry
your sister is dead.
Mwah.
If there's anything
we can do to help you
during your time of need...
-Stamps.
-(laughs) What?
Stamps. I need stamps.
Okay, you got it.
Wow. Are girls coming on to me
because my sister died?
Cool!
BONNIE:
God, I wish
it was Joe in that box.
I do, too, Bon.
Oh. Did I say that out loud?
No, but at this point,
I know what you're thinking.
It'll be soon, babe.
Unbelievable.
There's hardly anyone here.
Ugh. Well, that's it.
I'm off to a new town
to start a new life.
Ooh. Sorry.
Don't you know what a rosary
on a doorknob means?!
(rolling thunder)
(inhales)
Siri, play "Kiss From a Rose"
by Seal.
("Kiss From a Rose" plays,
seal barking instead of lyrics)
(sighs)
I hope everyone enjoys
tonight's dinner.
(Lois cries quietly)
It... it was Meg's favorite.
(sobbing)
There, there, Lois.
Stop your crying.
-Stop it.
-(continues crying)
Please stop. Stop.
Stop it. Stop crying.
Stop crying.
Stop crying. Stop.
(sighs)
Before we eat,
would anyone like
to say something about Meg?
Okay, I feel all of you
looking at me, so here goes.
Meg, wherever you are,
I hope that you're with Bubba,
and I want you to know
that Lieutenant Dan
is walking around...
Is this from Forrest Gump?
I miss you, Meg. (crying)
Stop it, Brian.
Stop your crying.
Stop it.
Please stop.
Stop. Stop it.
Stop crying.
Stop crying.
Stop crying. Stop.
Stewie, is there anything
you'd like to say?
Yeah. We're gonna save a lot
of money on toilet paper.
Ever see her wipe?
She'd wrap up both hands
like oven mitts
and act like she was cleaning
out a pot of burnt chili.
Anyway, that's all
I care to say about Meg.
Maybe we should just have
a moment of silence
as we hear the guy
down the street
scream at his barking dog.
(dog barking)
MAN:
Damn it, Rufus, shut up!
Will you shut up?!
Get in the house!
Get in the house!
? This time things are gonna
work out fine ?
? This time will be better
than previous times ?
? This time is
markedly different ?
? Than the times
we had before ?
? This time is gonna be
so much more! ?
(harmonica riff plays)
? Or maybe it's not. ?
(knocking)
Hi, new neighbor.
I just thought
I'd come by and see
if I could borrow a cup
of tampons.
Sure. Just bring 'em back
when you're done. No rush.
Thanks. My name's not important.
What's yours?
Um... my name?
My name is...
Hallway.
Natalie Hallway.
Nice to meet you, Natalie.
You want to join us on the roof
and sit under string lights?
That sounds great!
I'll bring my hemorrhoid donut
to sit on.
(laughs)
Great joke, Natalie Hallway!
Yes. It is a joke.
Because Natalie Hallway
doesn't need
to sit on a hemorrhoid donut.
(insects chirping)
To Natalie Hallway,
our new friend.
Natalie, sit down.
Tell us about yourself.
Yow...!
What a view!
You know, Stewie,
when Meg was little,
we used to love to make
Christmas cookies together.
Are... are those dongs?
My God, from October to January
I don't come up for air.
All those families enjoying
their Christmas dongs.
Could we get some of your
cookies for our wedding?
Get out of here!
This is a family bakery!
I'm a Christian!
In the case of Kent and Bradley
v. Holiday Dongs,
the court rules that you
must give us the recipe.
-(laughter)
-Oh!
NARRATOR:
Under court order,
Stewie went on
to make baked goods
for the gay wedding.
And because of that,
he did not get into heaven,
just like they've
always been saying.
? ?
(indistinct chatter)
Chris, be in my selfie!
I want to make
Meg's death about me.
(camera shutter clicks)
Hey, Chris, I couldn't
help but notice
how much attention
you're getting.
Want to high-five hug?
Hell yes.
Hang in there, brotha.
I will, brother.
Chris, here are the keys
to the drivers ed car
to use anytime you want.
-Wow, cool.
-See, everyone?
If I were using the drivers ed
car for my real car,
I wouldn't have
given him the keys.
That would be a psycho move.
I wouldn't have a ride home.
Chris, if you're heading home,
can I get a ride?
(beeping and blipping)
(patriotic music plays)
(cheering and whooping)
-Yeah!
-Go, Natalie!
Wow, Natalie Hallway,
how did you get
so good at bowling?
Oh, I used to play a lot
back in Qua... rea.
Wow, you lived in Korea?
Yep.
When I was with the embassy.
So was that before
or after you were
one of the first black women
to do math for NASA?
Yes.
Wow, your parents must be
so proud of you.
(phone beeps)
? ?
Hey, Griffin,
I heard you scored
with the girls'
basketball team yesterday.
Yep, 12 points
and eight rebounds.
Aw, Griffin, you're the man.
I got an extra orange at lunch.
-You want it?
-Yeah!
Life is pretty sweet.
(phone ringing)
Hello?
Hey, Chris.
(gasps) Meg?!
Are you alive?
Yes. I'll explain everything.
Can you come meet me?
Okay, still the cemetery?
Alive?!
Chris, you already
know that part.
Oh, right.
So you suddenly got sick
of your new, great life?
No, Chris.
(groans) I can't believe
I'm saying this, but...
I missed Mom.
I missed you.
I missed the whole family.
I'm glad you're alive,
but you should know
things are different now.
-Dad finally got a Peloton?
-Yeah.
-Is he using it?
-No.
He mumbled something
about the Wi-Fi,
then ate a whole chicken
on the couch,
-but there's something else.
-What is it?
Let's talk about it in the van.
Chris?!
What are you doing?!
Let me out!
Sorry, Meg, but I can't
let you come home just yet.
I'm too popular now.
-What's the holdup?
-What?
I slapped the van twice.
Yeah, what was that?
I thought something
flew into the van.
No, that's, like,
the universal signal
for "move it out."
I never heard that.
And I drive vans all the time.
Well, then how do you know
when it's time to head out?
Somebody yells out
"okay" or "all right."
Every so often it's "yep."
Well, okay, you're good to go.
-All right.
-(engine starts)
Ow! Ow!
What are you doing?!
Sorry, I got
distracted by all this
whappin' the side
of the van business.
? ?
Hello? Hello?
Where is everyone?
Damn it, Chris, I don't care
that you're popular now.
Let me out of here!
Well, at least
I still have my music.
Siri, play Seals and Croft.
? Darling if you want me
to be... ?
(seal barking)
? Get closer to me. ?
Good morning, students.
We are gathered here
for two reasons today.
One, to mourn the loss
of Meg Griffin.
And two, to find the owner
of this X-Men water bottle
someone left in wood shop--
does anyone recognize it?
BOY:
I'll take it!
That's not what I asked.
Anyone?
I'm not gonna tell you
which character's on it,
you have to be able
to tell me the character.
BOY 2:
Wolverine!
-Are you guessing?
-Am I right?
All right,
we'll handle this after.
But now, here to help you mourn,
an artist who specializes
in sensitive music
to do finger stuff to,
Mr. John Mayer!
It's good to be here.
I love high school!
GIRL:
Who are you?
I was born in 2003!
Then I'm probably your father.
Ooh, pwned!
Whoa, looks like the school
really is missing Meg.
Chris, Brian,
would you help Peter?
He's one of those
"has to be supported
by both elbows" mourners.
I'm gonna need three seats
for my elbow supporters.
Stewie, you look depressed.
You still upset about Meg?
No, it's just this gym is sad.
If you haven't won
a championship since 1982,
just take the banner down.
? ?
Well, Meg,
looks like you really
are dead this time.
They say your life flashes
before your eyes when you die.
I wonder what I'll see.
(groans)
Oh, yeah!
-Over!
-(grunts)
I'm a tomato.
(all retching)
MEG:
I'm not in any of these!
Ladies and gentlemen,
Mr. Conway Twitty.
Oh, come on!
I was in the Kingsman fight!
That could've been in there.
I can do stuff.
I-I can be a part
of a comedy team!
Look, hey, Chris,
who's on first?
A baseball player. (laughs)
Well, that's it.
I'm gonna show them.
I'm gonna live.
I'm getting out of here.
Now let's see,
if I whap my forehead
against this cement floor
enough times,
I think I can
create a blood luge
to slide myself out on.
This... this...
can be in the highlight...
video!
-(strums)
-(cheering and applause)
Wow, thank you, John Mayer.
Wasn't he terrific?
I think we can all agree
that John is entitled
to take whichever student he
wishes home with him tonight.
(scattered clapping)
And finally, the Quiznos
across the street
has graciously
taken out a full page ad
in the yearbook
that will feature
a dedication page to Meg.
Quiznos, go ahead and stand up.
Come on, in the back,
you guys have been great.
-(gasps)
-(applause and cheering)
Oh, my God,
oh, my God, everyone!
He's proposing right here!
Right in front of everyone!
Oh, she's so lucky!
Oh, my God!
(door slams open)
I'm alive! I'm alive!
(all gasp)
(gasps) Meg!
Those are dark-soled shoes.
She's wearing dark-soled shoes
on the gym floor!
Sneakers only in the gym, guys.
Oh, my God, Meg!
I'm so glad you're alive!
What happened?
He did this!
Are you saying Chris
saved your life?
This calls for a celebration.
All right,
everyone throw confetti
and ruin the janitor's weekend.
(applause and cheering)
Hey, I'm not gonna
make it this weekend.
Oh, but you're gonna miss
the big janitor dance!
This is our last chance to get
laid before Janitor College!
You think I don't know that?!
No! Chris kidnapped me
so he could stay popular!
What? Chris would never do that.
Chris?
It's true, Mom.
I owe my sister an apology.
I shouldn't have treated her
the way I did.
And I think
if Meg were here today,
she'd be the first one to agree.
I am here!
I'm right here!
Anyway, Meg, wherever you are,
I'm sorry.
(applause and cheering)
Damn it, I'm giving a speech!
I want to tell you--
Very loud chant!
Very loud chant!
Very loud chant! Very loud
chant!
(sighs)
Oh, my God, Meg,
I'm so glad you're back.
We love you, honey.
I love you, too, Mom.
Yeah, Meg, I'm just really glad
this whole ordeal is over.
STEWIE (over radio):
Glad this whole ordeal is what?
-Over.
-(audience laughing)
Come on!
I'm sorry I faked
my own death, Mom.
It's okay, Meg.
Actually, I should've known.
Faking stuff is part
of being a woman.
-Really?
-Oh, yeah.
Women fake a lot of things.
You faked your death,
I fake orgasms and being
impressed by my husband's
accomplishments at work.
Hey, Lois, guess
who got to erase
the white board
in a meeting today?
Oh, my!
I think someone's earned himself
Mama Lois' famous
egg salad, huh?
Oh, yum!
Oh, today just keeps getting
better and better!
Dad, I thought you hated
Mom's egg salad.
Chris, part of being a man
is faking things.
Like orgasms or pretending
to like your wife's egg salad.
And anyway, I give it to that
raccoon outside who likes me.
I thought you hated that guy.
Part of being a raccoon
is faking things.
Like orgasms
or pretending to like people
who give you egg salad.
LOIS:
Oh, Peter!
PETER:
Oh, Lois!
RACCOON:
Oh, other raccoon!
that all you see ?
? Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ?
? But where are those
good old-fashioned values ?
? On which we used to rely? ?
? Lucky there's a family guy ?
? Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ?
? All the things that make us ?
? Laugh and cry ?
? He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy! ?
All right. Empty school.
Time to Shining my way
through the halls.
? ?
Principal Shepherd,
where is everyone?!
(in low, monotone voice):
Principal Shepherd's not here,
Miss Griffin.
Why are you talking like that?
Sorry. That was Tony,
the little boy
who lives in my mouth.
Why are you here?
It's skip day.
It's skip day?
Nobody told me.
She's unpopular
and unattractive.
Tony!
Hello?! Chris?
Did you know it was skip day?
Mom? Dad?
(beeps)
(phone ringing)
Hello?
MEG:
Mom? Where are you guys?
Who is this?
It's Meg.
Where is everyone?
Well, this can't be Meg.
She's with us here at the pier.
-Who is that?
-Someone who says she's Meg.
Give me that.
Okay, Meg, if this is you,
what's your birthday?
March 23.
I have no idea
if that's correct.
-Good day, sir.
-(beeps)
Sorry about that, everyone.
Now let's get back to the fair
and enjoy our March 23.
(bowling pins clacking,
quiet chatter)
The usual, please.
Here ya are--
ladies' seven on the left,
and men's 11 on the right.
I just need a license.
Thanks.
Oh! And happy birthday!
Yes!
(Western-style theme plays)
BRUCE (singsongy):
We have not updated those.
Good evening. I'm Tom Tucker.
Coming up,
I find even more sand
on my body from a beach toilet
I used a week ago.
But first,
tragedy strikes close to home,
as a car crash near
my apartment claims the life
of a local teen girl.
The victim's identity
is being withheld
pending notification
of the family.
(knocking)
Hey, buddy.
What brings you around at this
late hour with your uniform on
and your hat held mournfully
against your chest?
Peter, Lois,
it pains me above the waist
to tell you that Meg is dead.
-What?!
-What are you talking about?
Meg's right here.
(wind whistling)
(all gasp)
You know, it's weird that didn't
happen on the pier all day.
Or when we rented
that convertible.
How did this happen?!
She got in a car wreck, and
was burned beyond recognition,
and I leveled up on Fortnite
this weekend,
but you probably only care
about the first two things.
Oh, dear God, no! (cries)
All we found was Meg's
driver's license at the scene.
It had her Quiznos punch card
stuck to the back.
Your little angel was
one stamp away from a free sub,
which only adds
to this horrific tragedy.
It's actually pretty impressive,
because the card was only issued
three days ago.
Usually one of the guys would
swipe a thing like this,
use it on the way home,
but I snagged it for ya.
Thought Meg's family ought
to be the ones
to enjoy the free sandwich.
Again, I'm very sorry.
(lights buzzing)
TOM:
Oh, hang on.
Oh, they told the family?
Great!
The girl killed near
my apartment was Meg Griffin.
What? I'm not dead!
She was burned
beyond recognition
but identified
by her driver's license.
156 pounds.
Yikes.
Wait. Did you give my ID
to the wrong girl?
Sorry. Them shoe spray fumes
made me all goofy in my head.
(inhales deeply)
I'm still sober.
This ain't cheatin'!
Oh, this is me being sober!
(sighs)
So I guess I'm dead.
And no one cares.
TOM:
Again, for those of you
in a new scene:
Meg Griffin dead.
(sad, orchestral music plays)
? ?
(organ plays solemn hymn)
Lois,
can you believe these seats?
Front row!
I hope the priest pulls me up
on stage and dances with me.
When I was hastily relocated
to this parish a week ago,
the last thing
I thought I'd have to do is
stand before you
on such a sad occasion.
A family losing a child is like
a Trivial Pursuit wheel
losing a pie piece.
And you have to keep reminding
everyone playing the game,
"Don't forget. I already got
'Entertainment'." What a pain.
Your first speaker--
Principal Shepherd.
Meg Griffin was an honest man,
a kind man,
a man who knew how...
(whispering)
Oh, my stars!
I have nothing.
Kind of feel bad.
There's nobody here.
I know. We're not even here.
(electrical hissing)
(video game beeping)
This was the right decision.
Hey, Chris, I'm super sorry
your sister is dead.
Mwah.
If there's anything
we can do to help you
during your time of need...
-Stamps.
-(laughs) What?
Stamps. I need stamps.
Okay, you got it.
Wow. Are girls coming on to me
because my sister died?
Cool!
BONNIE:
God, I wish
it was Joe in that box.
I do, too, Bon.
Oh. Did I say that out loud?
No, but at this point,
I know what you're thinking.
It'll be soon, babe.
Unbelievable.
There's hardly anyone here.
Ugh. Well, that's it.
I'm off to a new town
to start a new life.
Ooh. Sorry.
Don't you know what a rosary
on a doorknob means?!
(rolling thunder)
(inhales)
Siri, play "Kiss From a Rose"
by Seal.
("Kiss From a Rose" plays,
seal barking instead of lyrics)
(sighs)
I hope everyone enjoys
tonight's dinner.
(Lois cries quietly)
It... it was Meg's favorite.
(sobbing)
There, there, Lois.
Stop your crying.
-Stop it.
-(continues crying)
Please stop. Stop.
Stop it. Stop crying.
Stop crying.
Stop crying. Stop.
(sighs)
Before we eat,
would anyone like
to say something about Meg?
Okay, I feel all of you
looking at me, so here goes.
Meg, wherever you are,
I hope that you're with Bubba,
and I want you to know
that Lieutenant Dan
is walking around...
Is this from Forrest Gump?
I miss you, Meg. (crying)
Stop it, Brian.
Stop your crying.
Stop it.
Please stop.
Stop. Stop it.
Stop crying.
Stop crying.
Stop crying. Stop.
Stewie, is there anything
you'd like to say?
Yeah. We're gonna save a lot
of money on toilet paper.
Ever see her wipe?
She'd wrap up both hands
like oven mitts
and act like she was cleaning
out a pot of burnt chili.
Anyway, that's all
I care to say about Meg.
Maybe we should just have
a moment of silence
as we hear the guy
down the street
scream at his barking dog.
(dog barking)
MAN:
Damn it, Rufus, shut up!
Will you shut up?!
Get in the house!
Get in the house!
? This time things are gonna
work out fine ?
? This time will be better
than previous times ?
? This time is
markedly different ?
? Than the times
we had before ?
? This time is gonna be
so much more! ?
(harmonica riff plays)
? Or maybe it's not. ?
(knocking)
Hi, new neighbor.
I just thought
I'd come by and see
if I could borrow a cup
of tampons.
Sure. Just bring 'em back
when you're done. No rush.
Thanks. My name's not important.
What's yours?
Um... my name?
My name is...
Hallway.
Natalie Hallway.
Nice to meet you, Natalie.
You want to join us on the roof
and sit under string lights?
That sounds great!
I'll bring my hemorrhoid donut
to sit on.
(laughs)
Great joke, Natalie Hallway!
Yes. It is a joke.
Because Natalie Hallway
doesn't need
to sit on a hemorrhoid donut.
(insects chirping)
To Natalie Hallway,
our new friend.
Natalie, sit down.
Tell us about yourself.
Yow...!
What a view!
You know, Stewie,
when Meg was little,
we used to love to make
Christmas cookies together.
Are... are those dongs?
My God, from October to January
I don't come up for air.
All those families enjoying
their Christmas dongs.
Could we get some of your
cookies for our wedding?
Get out of here!
This is a family bakery!
I'm a Christian!
In the case of Kent and Bradley
v. Holiday Dongs,
the court rules that you
must give us the recipe.
-(laughter)
-Oh!
NARRATOR:
Under court order,
Stewie went on
to make baked goods
for the gay wedding.
And because of that,
he did not get into heaven,
just like they've
always been saying.
? ?
(indistinct chatter)
Chris, be in my selfie!
I want to make
Meg's death about me.
(camera shutter clicks)
Hey, Chris, I couldn't
help but notice
how much attention
you're getting.
Want to high-five hug?
Hell yes.
Hang in there, brotha.
I will, brother.
Chris, here are the keys
to the drivers ed car
to use anytime you want.
-Wow, cool.
-See, everyone?
If I were using the drivers ed
car for my real car,
I wouldn't have
given him the keys.
That would be a psycho move.
I wouldn't have a ride home.
Chris, if you're heading home,
can I get a ride?
(beeping and blipping)
(patriotic music plays)
(cheering and whooping)
-Yeah!
-Go, Natalie!
Wow, Natalie Hallway,
how did you get
so good at bowling?
Oh, I used to play a lot
back in Qua... rea.
Wow, you lived in Korea?
Yep.
When I was with the embassy.
So was that before
or after you were
one of the first black women
to do math for NASA?
Yes.
Wow, your parents must be
so proud of you.
(phone beeps)
? ?
Hey, Griffin,
I heard you scored
with the girls'
basketball team yesterday.
Yep, 12 points
and eight rebounds.
Aw, Griffin, you're the man.
I got an extra orange at lunch.
-You want it?
-Yeah!
Life is pretty sweet.
(phone ringing)
Hello?
Hey, Chris.
(gasps) Meg?!
Are you alive?
Yes. I'll explain everything.
Can you come meet me?
Okay, still the cemetery?
Alive?!
Chris, you already
know that part.
Oh, right.
So you suddenly got sick
of your new, great life?
No, Chris.
(groans) I can't believe
I'm saying this, but...
I missed Mom.
I missed you.
I missed the whole family.
I'm glad you're alive,
but you should know
things are different now.
-Dad finally got a Peloton?
-Yeah.
-Is he using it?
-No.
He mumbled something
about the Wi-Fi,
then ate a whole chicken
on the couch,
-but there's something else.
-What is it?
Let's talk about it in the van.
Chris?!
What are you doing?!
Let me out!
Sorry, Meg, but I can't
let you come home just yet.
I'm too popular now.
-What's the holdup?
-What?
I slapped the van twice.
Yeah, what was that?
I thought something
flew into the van.
No, that's, like,
the universal signal
for "move it out."
I never heard that.
And I drive vans all the time.
Well, then how do you know
when it's time to head out?
Somebody yells out
"okay" or "all right."
Every so often it's "yep."
Well, okay, you're good to go.
-All right.
-(engine starts)
Ow! Ow!
What are you doing?!
Sorry, I got
distracted by all this
whappin' the side
of the van business.
? ?
Hello? Hello?
Where is everyone?
Damn it, Chris, I don't care
that you're popular now.
Let me out of here!
Well, at least
I still have my music.
Siri, play Seals and Croft.
? Darling if you want me
to be... ?
(seal barking)
? Get closer to me. ?
Good morning, students.
We are gathered here
for two reasons today.
One, to mourn the loss
of Meg Griffin.
And two, to find the owner
of this X-Men water bottle
someone left in wood shop--
does anyone recognize it?
BOY:
I'll take it!
That's not what I asked.
Anyone?
I'm not gonna tell you
which character's on it,
you have to be able
to tell me the character.
BOY 2:
Wolverine!
-Are you guessing?
-Am I right?
All right,
we'll handle this after.
But now, here to help you mourn,
an artist who specializes
in sensitive music
to do finger stuff to,
Mr. John Mayer!
It's good to be here.
I love high school!
GIRL:
Who are you?
I was born in 2003!
Then I'm probably your father.
Ooh, pwned!
Whoa, looks like the school
really is missing Meg.
Chris, Brian,
would you help Peter?
He's one of those
"has to be supported
by both elbows" mourners.
I'm gonna need three seats
for my elbow supporters.
Stewie, you look depressed.
You still upset about Meg?
No, it's just this gym is sad.
If you haven't won
a championship since 1982,
just take the banner down.
? ?
Well, Meg,
looks like you really
are dead this time.
They say your life flashes
before your eyes when you die.
I wonder what I'll see.
(groans)
Oh, yeah!
-Over!
-(grunts)
I'm a tomato.
(all retching)
MEG:
I'm not in any of these!
Ladies and gentlemen,
Mr. Conway Twitty.
Oh, come on!
I was in the Kingsman fight!
That could've been in there.
I can do stuff.
I-I can be a part
of a comedy team!
Look, hey, Chris,
who's on first?
A baseball player. (laughs)
Well, that's it.
I'm gonna show them.
I'm gonna live.
I'm getting out of here.
Now let's see,
if I whap my forehead
against this cement floor
enough times,
I think I can
create a blood luge
to slide myself out on.
This... this...
can be in the highlight...
video!
-(strums)
-(cheering and applause)
Wow, thank you, John Mayer.
Wasn't he terrific?
I think we can all agree
that John is entitled
to take whichever student he
wishes home with him tonight.
(scattered clapping)
And finally, the Quiznos
across the street
has graciously
taken out a full page ad
in the yearbook
that will feature
a dedication page to Meg.
Quiznos, go ahead and stand up.
Come on, in the back,
you guys have been great.
-(gasps)
-(applause and cheering)
Oh, my God,
oh, my God, everyone!
He's proposing right here!
Right in front of everyone!
Oh, she's so lucky!
Oh, my God!
(door slams open)
I'm alive! I'm alive!
(all gasp)
(gasps) Meg!
Those are dark-soled shoes.
She's wearing dark-soled shoes
on the gym floor!
Sneakers only in the gym, guys.
Oh, my God, Meg!
I'm so glad you're alive!
What happened?
He did this!
Are you saying Chris
saved your life?
This calls for a celebration.
All right,
everyone throw confetti
and ruin the janitor's weekend.
(applause and cheering)
Hey, I'm not gonna
make it this weekend.
Oh, but you're gonna miss
the big janitor dance!
This is our last chance to get
laid before Janitor College!
You think I don't know that?!
No! Chris kidnapped me
so he could stay popular!
What? Chris would never do that.
Chris?
It's true, Mom.
I owe my sister an apology.
I shouldn't have treated her
the way I did.
And I think
if Meg were here today,
she'd be the first one to agree.
I am here!
I'm right here!
Anyway, Meg, wherever you are,
I'm sorry.
(applause and cheering)
Damn it, I'm giving a speech!
I want to tell you--
Very loud chant!
Very loud chant!
Very loud chant! Very loud
chant!
(sighs)
Oh, my God, Meg,
I'm so glad you're back.
We love you, honey.
I love you, too, Mom.
Yeah, Meg, I'm just really glad
this whole ordeal is over.
STEWIE (over radio):
Glad this whole ordeal is what?
-Over.
-(audience laughing)
Come on!
I'm sorry I faked
my own death, Mom.
It's okay, Meg.
Actually, I should've known.
Faking stuff is part
of being a woman.
-Really?
-Oh, yeah.
Women fake a lot of things.
You faked your death,
I fake orgasms and being
impressed by my husband's
accomplishments at work.
Hey, Lois, guess
who got to erase
the white board
in a meeting today?
Oh, my!
I think someone's earned himself
Mama Lois' famous
egg salad, huh?
Oh, yum!
Oh, today just keeps getting
better and better!
Dad, I thought you hated
Mom's egg salad.
Chris, part of being a man
is faking things.
Like orgasms or pretending
to like your wife's egg salad.
And anyway, I give it to that
raccoon outside who likes me.
I thought you hated that guy.
Part of being a raccoon
is faking things.
Like orgasms
or pretending to like people
who give you egg salad.
LOIS:
Oh, Peter!
PETER:
Oh, Lois!
RACCOON:
Oh, other raccoon!