Family Guy (1998–…): Season 18, Episode 17 - Coma Guy - full transcript

With a newfound love for rocking out to Van Halen, Peter gets in a car accident and falls into a coma.

? It seems today
that all you see ?

? Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ?

? But where are those
good old-fashioned values ?

? On which we used to rely? ?

? Lucky there's a family guy ?

? Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ?

? All the things that make us ?

? Laugh and cry ?

? He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy! ?

(indistinct chatter)

Thanks for coming
to our cocktail party, everyone.



We're so glad you could make it.

That's the speech
you were working on?

Okay, now let's play a game.

It's called:
"Everybody give me an idea

what time you're leaving."

Settle down, Peter.

Hey, is the party
good out there? Can I come out?

No, Brian,
you're fine in the kitchen.

Is there food on the floor?
I can clean it up!

- No.
- Oh, come on.

Joe just dropped a cracker.
Joe just dropped a cracker!

- (scratching on door)
- Damn it, Brian!

I can't figure out
how to open the gate.

Well, since this is
a nice cocktail party,



let's talk about books.

What book is everyone reading?

I only read four books
in my life,

and three of them were
about Johnny Bench.

Ah, I can top that.

I ain't ever read a book
in my entire life.

(all gasp)

- Never read a book?
- Peter's never read a book!

Yeah, I heard the first guy.

And you said
this was a fancy cocktail party.

Reginald, we're leaving!

(indistinct chatter)

Damn it!
I shopped at Trader Joe's

for this fancy cocktail party,
and once again,

your ignorance of books
has ruined it.

Enough is enough.

I got a junior high book list
here, and starting tomorrow,

you are reading one
of these books.

Little Women, Holes, The Giver.

These are all porn categories.

Black Beauty.

Is there anything here
that's not pornography?

1984! Just read 1984.

Fine. Geez. I'll read 1984.

You better, 'cause this was
more embarrassing

than when we played truth or
dare with present-day Madonna.

Ah... truth.

Do I look younger than 90?

Dare.

Ah, the public library.

I'm just gonna put my backpack
down for one second.

And it's gone.

My laptop was in there,
no password.

My wallet. Everything.

That person is now me.

My entire life went away.
(sighs)

Hey, how do you find something
in here?

It's a lot easier
than finding a man out there.

(laughs)

(laughs) Yeah.
Yeah, maybe wash your hair,

lose the bun,
give that a chance.

Anyway, you guys have 1984?

We've got it on CD.

"C-D." (laughs)

Sounds like my high school
report card. (laughs)

(laughs) Okay, okay,
all right, all right.

Okay, boring book: 1984.

I am ready for you to be lame

and a book
and not something unexpected.

(Van Halen's "Panama" plays)

-? Oh, yeah... ?
-(gasps) This is books?

- Books kick ass!
- ? Panama, Pana... ?

Probably reading Orwell.

Kids, where's your father?

He left a note.

"If Van Halen calls,
tell them they rule."

What?

? Panama... ?

- Did they call?
- Peter, what are you doing?!

I did what you wanted. I went
to the library and I got 1984.

(chuckles)
What a book!

Peter, I'm not okay with this
new Van Halen phase of yours.

Yeah, Dad, it's crazy.

Like JFK deciding to cruise
through Dallas in a rental.

How'd that convertible
work out for you?

Yeah, I don't... I don't know.
Good. Okay.

And did you get all your stuff
out of the car?

Kind of.

? Panama... ?

MAN:
All units, this is Dispatch.

We've got a red station wagon
blasting "Panama"

and being awesome
and partying and being rad.

OFFICER:
Not in my town, Dispatch.

This is Officer Stickbutt,
in pursuit.

? Whoo! ?

? ?

MAN:
Stickbutt, break off pursuit.

"Panama" kicks too much ass
and shreds way too hard.

You'll never catch him.

Negative, Dispatch.
Just need to wait

for that "Runnin' a little bit
hot tonight" part.

? Yeah, we're runnin'
a little bit hot tonight ?

OFFICER:
Bingo. Got him now.

? I can barely see the road ?

? From the heat coming
off of it ?

(tires screeching)

OFFICER:
What's he doing?!

Suspect is headed
toward Unjumpable Canyon.

- It's totally unjumpable!
- ? Ease the seat back... ?

- Unless...
- Unless what, Stickbutt? Over.

OFFICER:
Dear God, he's gonna do it.

He's gonna time his jump for the
greatest harmonized sound drop

in '80s rock history.

You're right.
The part that goes...

? Ain't no stoppin' ?

? Now...! ?

(holding note)

-? Panama ?
-Damn it!

- JOE: What? What happened?
- Get off this channel, Joe.

JOE:
Come on, I want
to be an outside cop!

? Panama. ?

(whistles)

? Panama. ?

Damn it, Peter,
I'm sick of this!

Take that Van Halen CD back
today.

No way. I ain't never
returning that CD.

It's too awesome.

I didn't want to play this card,
Peter, but...

if you won't listen to me,

listen to the pancake
with slices of banana on it.

(gasps)
Oh, my God.

But you're always smiling.

Note the maple syrup tears.

Don't you think I see
the maple syrup tears, Lois?!

I guess
my Van Halen days are over.

(engine revving)

No, no, no.
Those days are behind me.

I made a promise to a pancake.

? On and on ?

? He just keeps on trying ?

? And he smiles
when he feels like crying... ?

? Panama ?

-? On and on ?
-? Panama ?

? On and on ?

-? Pan... ?
-(engines revving)

? Ain't nothin' like it,
her shiny machine ?

? Got the feel for the wheel,
keep the movin' parts clean ?

? Hot shoe ?

- Yeah!
- ? Burnin' down the avenue ?

-? Got an on... ?
-? On and on... ?

? Bedroom, don't you know
she's coming home with me? ?

-? You'll lose her in the turn ?
-(laughs) Working squirrel.

(yells)

(whimpers)

(beeps twice)

Hey, in case you need it,

someone left this business card
at the crash site.

Looks like there's a new
squirrel in the insurance game.

I don't care about that,
Dr. Hartman.

Just tell me
what's wrong with my husband.

I'm sorry, Mrs. Griffin,
but your husband...

is in a coma.

Oh, my God!

And to deliver the news
to your teenage children,

I've hired an EDM DJ.

? Your father's in a coma ?

(pitch rising):
? Coma, coma, coma, coma, coma ?

(deep voice):
? He's gonna die. ?

This is awesome!

Yeah, I saw this guy playing
at an H&M, and I got his number!

My husband is in a coma?!

I'm afraid so.

I mean, he's not responding
to my advances,

so it's either a coma,
or he's a frigid bitch.

We'll leave you with him now.

But it's very important
that you speak to Peter.

He can hear you.

Talk about the good times,
what he means to you.

Talk and keep talking.

Psh-psh-pshew.

Let's just turn on the TV.

ANNOUNCER: We now return to The Simpsons.

Meme.

Not a meme.

Meme.

Not a meme.

Where am I?
Hey, let me out. Let me out!

(deep voice):
Hello, Peter.

(squishing)

What did I ever do
to deserve this?!

Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no!

Oh, yeah!

(whimpering)

The Godfather insists
upon itself.

- It insists upon itself.
- It insists upon itself.

The Godfather insists
upon itself.

- It insists upon itself.
- It insists upon itself.

It insists upon itself.

The Godfather insists
upon itself.

- It insists...
- It insists...

Ah, no! Wait!
I agree with all of you!

...upon itself.

Has the jury reached a verdict?

We have, Your Honor.

And how do you find
the defendant?

B'caw, or not b'caw?

We find the defendant,
Peter Griffin, b'caw.

(chickens clucking)

Peter Griffin,
I hereby sentence you

to an awkward apology dinner
with Joaquin Phoenix.

(gentle piano music playing)

Well... I'm waiting.

Hey, if, uh, this goes south,

is there a plan
for Peter's rakes?

Um... who's gonna
get Peter's rakes?

What did I tell you, Mom?
What did I tell you?

Well, I just thought
it would be one less thing

to worry about later.

You came out
of the blocks too soon, Joe.

Oh, Lois,
I came as soon as I heard.

So... h-have you guys made
any arrangements rake-wise?

Bonnie. Ix-nay on the akes-ray.

(sustained beeping)

Clear!

No, you do stuff up here. Clear!

Clear!

- (sustained beeping)
- Clear!

Clear!

- (sustained beeping)
- Clear!

(monitor beeping steadily)

No, that's the good sound.

Oh, well, why don't you
just do everything.

I hate this stupid hospital.

Clear!

(cheering and applause)

(playing "Panama")

- What are they all doing here?
- The canal.

- She is finished.
- What canal?

Think, senor.
What is your new favorite song?

- "Panama"?
- S?.

It is the Panama Canal.

Your President Woodrow Wilson

is giving the dedication
right now.

Ah, you reach down
between my legs.

Ease the seat back.

Got the feeling. Power steering.

Pistons popping.

Ain't no stopping now, Panama.

(cheering and applause)

And now, senor, you must pee.

- What?
- Pee. You must pee.

Fill the canal.

Well, it's gonna take a minute.

- You see Coco?
- Of course.

- It's good, right?
- It's very good.

Okay, I'm gonna try pulling
my pants all the way down.

Sometimes that helps.

- It wasn't a true story, right?
- What?

- Coco.
- No, it was fiction.

Somebody make it up
out of their head.

Aw, that's too bad.

I can't go. Can't we
just fill this up with a hose?

Oh, yeah. Turn on the hose!

(horn blowing)

Mayor West?

Angela?

My dad?

Quagmire's fat girlfriend
who died in the Clue episode?

What do all these people
have in common?

And how do they know
I like being slowly beckoned?

Mrs. Griffin, I have
some good news or some bad news

depending on how you feel
about your husband.

- Do you love your husband?
- Yes.

Mrs. Griffin,
I have some bad news.

Your husband is brain-dead.

I'm afraid it's time
for you to... make your choice.

What? A-Are you telling me
I should pull the plug?

I'm afraid so.

Also, you might be
getting a call

about the service
you received here today.

Do you feel
I've earned all tens?

Oh, God, I-I don't know.

I can't get
anything less than a ten,

so if there's a problem,

you should tell me about it
right now.

I may have to pull the plug
on my husband.

Yeah, I-I can't do anything
about that.

But really, we-we really,
really, really need the tens.

I-It's two minutes for you.
It's a job or not for me.

(phone rings)

Hello?

Six.

Yeah, six across the board.

Ah, nuts.

Senor Griffin, I think it's time
for you to depart.

Thanks, Jose, probably.
Thanks for everything.

Hey, before I go, what's
the boat's Wi-Fi password?

Oh, there's no Wi-Fi on board.

I don't want to go!

(gasps)
I don't want to go!

- Hey.
- Hey.

That's a... that's a plug.

You...
You pulled the plug on me?

Peter, it was
a very difficult decision.

How could you do that?
I'm alive.

I'm here
from the mortgage company.

Mr. Griffin, you're three months
late on your payment.

(imitates sustained beeping)

Oh, he died.

Oh, that's too bad.

Mind if I turn on
my cotton candy machine?

(imitating whirring)

(imitates monitor beeping)
Aw, you got me.

Hey, sweetheart.
How you feeling?

Terrible! My family tried
to off me in my sleep.

We said we're sorry, all right?

We're sorry we pulled the plug!

-But you know what?
It was a relief.
-What?

There! I said it. You know what
it's like being married to you?

Every day wondering

if my husband's gonna die
from something stupid?

Crashing your Petercopter.
Getting eaten at the zoo.

Running into a tunnel
that's not really a tunnel

but just something
the Road Runner painted

on the side of a rock.

Yeah, well,
I saw him go through it.

Honestly,
I-I'm amazed you haven't died

in some kind of Black Mirror
techno nightmare by now.

- (phone vibrating)
- Excuse me.

I have to take
this phone call from...

(gasps)
Me?!

This me took a picture
of dog poo.

The thought of losing you
was such a burden.

So when the moment came,
I confess.

I-I felt free, and I did it.

I pulled the plug.

And then
I instantly regretted it.

And when you woke up,
I was overjoyed.

I'm so sorry,
and if there's any way

I can make it up to you,
I will. I promise.

We all will.

Damn right
you're gonna make it up to me.

I am gonna be
more high-maintenance

than a white woman on vacation.

Excuse me, could I get
dos margaritas, por favor?

Yoo-hoo! Hello? Senor?

Excuse me? Could I get towels?
We need more towels.

Wh-When you get a chance,
but right now.

Is someone available
to take 20 to 40 pictures of me?

Family, you know how
you said you're sorry

- and you'll do anything I want?
- Yeah.

Well, this is Timothy Olyphant.

I want you to line up
and give him one compliment

about his Netflix show,
the Santa Clarita Diet.

- Aw, really?
- And it has to sound legit.

Like you've actually watched it.

Peter, you ask too much.

Hey, you tried to kill me.
This is the logical consequence.

Uh, Mr. Olyphant,

I think you were awesome
in Deadwood.

No, no, that's not what I said.

The comments
have to exclusively relate

to the Santa Clarita Diet,

a show which aired
three full seasons on Netflix.

I will take the first compliment
off the table.

I like your hair.

Well, now I have nothing.

- Come on, kids, we're leaving.
- What?

It's over.
You'll never forgive us

for killing you at the hospital,
so we're done.

We're leaving town today.

You... You're leaving?

You'll never hear from us again.

It'll be like we died.

Come on, kids.

No, don't take the kids.

Please. No.
Whatever will I do without them?

Banana pancake, you, too?

You're leaving forever?

I'm actually going
to Hedo for Pancakes.

Oh, yeah!
The ripping and the tearing.

The ripping and the tearing.

The syrup and the bacon.

- The syrup and the...
- (squawks)

Well, they're gone.

It's all right. I'll be okay.

And I definitely won't have
any flashbacks

of our happy times together
to convince me otherwise.

? ?

? Painting the walls ?

? Means happy times ?

Aw, we were so happy.

? And now we're fighting
with paint ?

? To show we're having fun ?

God, I miss those paint fights.

? But then the music
slows down ?

? 'Cause the shuttle blew up ?

? And it really hit home ?

I don't know why
we painted that day.

? But then we picked up
the pieces ?

? And started painting again ?

Yay! We overcame!

I got to get my family back.

? And who am I?
I'm a fly on the wall ?

? A fly who's seen it all. ?

Ah, damn it.
Now we got to repaint.

Come on!
I got to get to the airport.

Sorry, bub.
You'll be driving there slow.

Unless you got
some kind of up-tempo rock music

that's good for speeding to.

Mom? What is it?

I-I thought maybe your father
would show up at the last second

and we'd have
one of those airport scenes.

Well, that's a nice movie trope,
Lois, but the post-9/11 reality

is there's no way
a nonticketed civilian can...

? Panama... ?

Lois! Kids!

(gasps)
Dad came.

Brian was wrong again.

He's basically always wrong.

- Peter?
- Guys, please don't go.

I love you.

Oh, Peter,
what made you change your mind?

I just... I've been thinking.

Okay, so you tried to kill me.

But maybe that's what
a family is, you know?

A bunch of people
who try to kill each other.

I don't think
that's what a family is.

Eh, it is, kind of.

Anyway, you're my family,
and I love you.

And if I got to have my plug
pulled by somebody,

I want it to be you.

And you're the only people
whose plug I want to pull.

Will you come back?

Yes, Peter. Yes!

(moaning)

(all moaning)

All right, everybody switch.

I got a guy.

But I made the rules,
so I went with it.

Well, we all learned
an important lesson:

no one should ever read a book.

Eh, I didn't need a coma
to know that.

(phone vibrates)

Oh, my God, you guys.

Another space shuttle exploded.

(sighs) Well,
there's only one thing to do.

Let's paint.

? ?

? Painting the walls ?

? To get through tough times ?

? When shuttles blow up ?

? It's not always an accident ?

What do you mean,
not an accident?

Who is this guy singing?

? And who am I?
A conspiracy fly ?

? Did you know "NASA"
means "deceive" in Hebrew? ?

I did not.

? The Denver Airport was built ?

? By the Illuminati ?

Peter, shoo that fly
out of here.

I will as soon as I find out
if he has

a banned-from-the-Apple-Store
podcast I can listen to.

? I do ?

? It's FlyOnTheWall. buzz/truth ?

? First reconfigure
your DNS server ?

? Then download a VPN ?

? And get the Tor browser. ?

It's too much work.