Family Guy (1998–…): Season 17, Episode 2 - Dead Dog Walking - full transcript

It seems today that all you see

Is violence in movies and sex on TV

But where are those
good old-fashioned values

On which we used to rely?

Lucky there's a family guy

Lucky there's a man
who positively can do

All the things that make us

Laugh and cry

He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy!

Previously, on Family Guy...

Hey, who wants to play "Drink the Beer"?



- Right here.
- Heh. You win!

- All right! What do I win?
- Another beer!

More recently, and better,
on Family Guy...

All right, you ready?
All right, one, two, three.

Okay, all right.

- Uh, okay. All right.
- Easy, easy, easy, easy.

Whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa, stop, stop, stop,

- stop, stop, stop, stop, stop.
- What? What? What?

- No, no, no, no. Twist it.
- What? I am.

- No. No, no, no, no. No, no, no, no.
- I... I...

Other way, other way,
you're twisting it the wrong way.

Even more recently, and not
quite as good, on Family Guy...

Jess is going to live!

Brian, did you hear that?



Mm-hmm.

Stewie, I've got to get out of this.

And now, the current,
better-than-the-pilot-

but-not-as-good- as-Star-Wars-episode

of Family Guy.

Sorry it took us so long
to have dinner together.

Oh, that's okay. You were busy...

being dead.

Did you warn this guy
when he married you

he also married your friends?

I love his laugh!

Ha-ha-ha-ha! Ha-ha-ha-ha!

Ah-ha-ha-ha!

Oh, Meg, you have to babysit
for Stewie Saturday.

- Nope.
- Okay. Chris, you have to do it.

What? That's not fair.

- I have a party to go to.
- Sorry, Meg found pictures

on your father's computer,
and she's blackmailing us.

She can do what she wants
till we get some dirt on her.

I didn't know it was supposed to be hard

before I took the picture.

Oh, hey, Peter. Be with you in a sec.

- I'm burning the place down.
- You got the bedbugs?

That don't make sense. This
isn't the Red Rock Motor Lodge

in Montgomery, Alabama.

Please send the lawsuit to our lawyer,

whose address is below.

That's right, she's also a lawyer.

The mystery deepens.

I don't have bedbugs.
I'm burning it down

so I can fake my own death.

Can you throw me that white fur coat

- filled with HoneyBaked hams?
- What?

I just... I can't take it, Peter.

I thought I could marry Jess,
but it's awful!

I can't live this way!

Hey, relax. You're married now.

You don't have to worry about nothin'.

Everything's done for you.

I mean, I literally don't know
where socks come from.

No idea. Do they come from trees?

From bushes? I don't know.

Get a hole in one, new pair shows up

in my drawer, just like that.

Food, too. I chucked the mustard
onto the front lawn last week.

That night, back in the fridge.

That would be kind of nice.

Listen, stick with me.

We're gonna have a great adventure,

like the astronaut who thinks
the lowest number is three.

And liftoff in five, four,

- three...
- Whoa!

- two, one...
- Oh.

- liftoff.
- Whoa!

This is our spot, Brian.

A place just for married guys
like you and me.

Husbands Restaurant?

I've never seen this place before.

- Is it new?
- Nope. Been here for 30 years.

You just can't see it
until you get married.

Watch. Take your ring off.

- Wow!
- Wearing the ring

also makes you wear giant khaki shorts

with a belt and a lot of keys
rattling around in the pockets.

You're right!

What are all these keys for?

A series of sheds.

I got a lot of sheds back home.

Oh. You have more than one shed?

'Course. You always need an extra shed.

I even got one shed that
just has an extra shed in it.

- You guys talking about sheds?
- Hell yes. I love my sheds.

- Me, too.
- High five on sheds.

Sheds!

Sheds...

sheds... sheds... sheds...

Are those really Tom Arnold's
sweatpants in that frame?

Yep. That's the Husbands wall of heroes.

There are a lot of fat guys here.

Well, yeah, Brian.
Every man's true weight

is at least 20 pounds heavier
than how they look.

You know how much energy
it takes to hold all that in?

You can finally let go.

Just relax. Exhale for once.

Exhale like you never have to attract

a pretty woman ever again.

Wow, that feels amazing.

Now, let's order some food.
I'm starving.

Nice to meet you, Starving. I'm Brian.

Oh, looks like they really
want me to come to that party.

- We're gonna have to go.
- You... you have a pager?

- Yeah.
- You get paged?

Yeah, that's how a pager works.

Why don't you just get a phone?

Um, you mean one of your
government tracking devices?

No, thanks. I'm using a pager.

"Oh, you're looking at your steps?"

No, the government's
watching where you're going.

It's not nap time, Stewie. Wake up.

All right, we're out of here.

Okay, Stewie's going to the party.

- Yeah, but where's Chris going?
- I have no idea!

He's completely off the grid!

Damn it! He can't hide forever.

Where are you?

Boy, this really is a high school party.

Complete with the popular kid
who's clearly going to die

in a car accident tonight.

Hey, Jagger, can you
help out at the soup kitchen

- tomorrow at noon?
- Sure. I should be alive then.

Yeah, he gone.

I see we're smoking.

We're not smoking. We're vaping.

- What's the difference?
- Smoking is for losers.

Vaping is for douchebags.

Aw. I want to be a douchebag.

Do you own 19 hats?

I only have one, but it's a
Stussy hat with a flat brim.

Have a seat.

Whoo-hoo, it's delightful!

Chris! Chris, isn't this cool?

Stewie, don't say my name!
There's an Alexa in here!

Sir, we have eyes on Chris.

He's at a douchebag vaping party.

Sooner or later, they all get sloppy.

I got to say, Bri, the guys at Husbands

are a little worried about you.

They said you had four

Scott Peterson
fish sandwiches yesterday.

Fireball?

No, because I'm not a Skidmore freshman

at a Lake George share-house.

Or am I?

Man, Skidmore's the best!

You said it, Pete. Race you to the raft?

You're on!

Yeah, let's go!

But the water was too shallow.

Bryce broke his neck
and never walked again.

This put an end to off-campus drinking

and lake house rentals.

I was just fine.

I landed on Bryce.

He's starting to smell.

He needs a bath.

He doesn't like baths.

And I see you lost the alcohol argument.

Can't you hear them talking about you?

Yeah. I'm a dog, I can hear everything.

By the way, the Stranger Things
monster just farted.

Whew! Must have been
that fat chick I ate.

- Time for dinner, guys.
- Awesome. I'm starving.

Oh!

Oh...

Holy crap! Brian, you okay?

Keep it down up there!

Holy crap, Hal, what's wrong with you?

You love it.

How does it look, Doc?

I'm sorry to say you have hip dysplasia.

What's that?

I'm not re what dysplasia is,
but I do know

you don't often see a "Y"
that far up in a word.

I took the liberty
of X-raying my own hip

to show you what
a normal one looks like.

Why does it look like there's
a Batmobile in your colon?

Just keep your eyes on the hips.

So, what's the next step?

I was hoping, whenever the
Bat-Signal goes up in the sky,

- this thing will just drive out.
- Uh, no. For Brian.

Ah. Well, wouldn't hurt
to lose some weight.

And he won't be able to walk
until his hip heals.

He'll need someone to take care of him.

I'll take care of him.

Like you took care of me
when I was sick.

Come back in a week,
we can check your pfft-pfft.

What is that?

That's the sound
a blood pressure machine makes.

I do impressions
for the doctor talent show.

Do you know what this is?

Braaap! Braaap!

An MRI?

Yes! Adding that to my set.

Oh, my God.

- Where there's smoke, there's...
- Just me vaping.

Stewie, if Mom and Dad
see you with that thing,

they'll kill me.

Get rid of it!

No way. It's awesome. Watch this.

I'm not good at the football part.

It smells like raspberry.

Yeah. It's basically the same
as eating fruit.

- Vaping isn't bad for you?
- It can't be bad for you

if Stephen Dorff gave up acting for it.

It does seem like they're
making it for kids.

This flavor is... "baby formula."

Let me try.

Yummy.

Watch this.

Like the movie The Ring.

Awesome!

Come back here, you.

Giggity, giggity, crabbity, giggity.

E-liquid, please.

Anything that tastes like
a Fruit Roll-Up.

Good, all good.

- Good.
- All good.

No worries, all good?

- We're good.
- Good, all good.

Here you go.

You good? You all good?

- All good here.
- Yep, we're good.

Good, all good.

This whole vaping thing
was a very smart move.

It tastes great
and I don't feel violently ill

as long as some of this vapor
is in my lungs.

Plus, when you wake at night shaking

because you haven't had any
in three hours,

it's so easy to vape more.

Let's face it, this is
the most fun we've had

since Mom got hooked on coffee
and bought that Alpuccino maker.

Hoo-ah!

Thank you for having us over for dinner.

Sometimes it's been difficult to cook

with all the other things
I have to do for Brian.

Oh, don't listen to her, I'm so easy.

I do have to go to the bathroom, though.

Jess really has been amazing.

She even set up surgery for me
to have my hip fixed.

Uhp, don't get fooled.

I don't know what I'd do without her.

I think I've really found true love.

Well, that's lovely.

You know, I don't think
we've said grace yet.

- Oh, yeah.
- Bless us, oh Lord,

for these thy gifts,
which we are about to receive.

Get out of there, Mountain Dew.

I'm here for Brian Griffin.

Well, this is it, Jess.

See you after my hip surgery.

He won't be needing this anymore.

Thanks.

Good-bye, Brian.

You mean "see you soon," right?

Wait, why won't I need my collar?

So, what's this?

Kind of like a pre-op?

Are all these dogs having hip surgery?

Where do you think you are?

This isn't a doctor's office,
this is the pound.

You're being euthanized.

What? Jess is having me put down?

Oh, my God, this can't be happening!

Did you also eat a kid?

Look, there's been a horrible mistake.

You've got the wrong dog.

Says right here I got
to euthanize Brian Griffin,

and you're him.

You wouldn't kill
a singing dog, would you?

Hello, my baby, hello, my honey

Hello, my ragtime gal.

Oh, now you're getting
euthanized for sure.

Hi, honey.

Mommy needs money for scratchers.

What the... what kind
of brazen thievery is this?

Where'd you get this?

Chris Griffin! You get in here!

What is this?

Um... robot penis?

Seriously, I'm absolutely
jonesing right now,

so give it back.

I know what this is. I watch Bravo.

- I'm not doing it.
- You are too young

- to be doing this.
- Maybe it's his and he's just

- too dumb to hide it.
- And if that's not bad enough,

you leave it out for Stewie
to get his hands on it?

I don't know, Mom,
I'm not my brother's keeper.

- He's just a baby.
- Babies are stupid like that!

I'm taking it...

and you are grounded, mister.

Now look what you did,
you little son of a bitch.

She has my vaporizer.

You have to get it back.

That's your problem.

You lost your vape pen,
I didn't lose mine.

Well, I guess you win.

Hey.

Oh, tastes so good, like skin berries.

I'm alive with pleasure.

It's possible we've taken this too far.

I'll just go down and get yours back.

I will never forget this day.

Mom, I need to talk to you.

Technically, that was not my vape pen,

but I do need it back because
it belongs to a friend of mine.

We accidentally switched jackets,

not unlike that episode
of The Brady Bunch when Greg...

Oh, damn it, Chris, why do your
lies have to take so damn long?

You're smoking the vape pen?

No, I'm sneaking a real cigarette

like frustrated mothers
are supposed to do.

You're such a hypocrite!

At least vaping is healthy.

Oh, don't be an idiot.

Vaping is just as bad,
and you look like a douchebag.

No, I don't. I look cool.

Go ahead.

Hold it to your mouth.

Oh, my God, I'm a douchebag.

It's okay, Chris.

Your secret's safe with me.

Hey, what's up, Jess?

I came to see how Brian's...

Hoo-ah!

Sorry, I'm just making an Alpuccino.

Oh.

Well, anyway, I was just wondering...

Hoo-ah!

Sorry, my mom wanted one, too.

Oh, that's-that's fine.

- So is Brian...
- Can I get you one?

Uh, sure.

Is Brian going to, uh...

Hoo-ah!

When is Brian coming back?

Oh, never.

I'm having him euthanized.

Euthanized?

Oh, my God!

Come on, come on.

Euthanize, euthanize, euthanize...

Oh, my God!

I got to do something!

Damn it. Now I have to do that
with every dictionary here.

Hold on, Brian, hold on.

Don't worry, buddy. I'm on my way.

I'm warning you, if you kill me,
the Internet's gonna freak out.

Please, it can't end like this.

There has to be something I can do.

Well, for 200 bucks, I'll strangle you

with my bare hands and stare
into your eyes as you die.

What? I'm not paying for that.

I meant I'll pay you.

Stop! That's my dog!

Oh, Peter, thank God.

You got here just in time.

You want to make $200?

I do.

It's... beautiful.

What the hell are you doing here?

Brian, I can explain.

Explain what? How you brought me
here to have me killed?

Well, you're no better.

You could have saved my life
in the restaurant,

but you let me choke to death.

Okay, fine.
I probably could have done more

to save your life.

I was just so unhappy
being married, I...

I guess I felt letting you Che
was my only way out.

God, that sounds awful.

Maybe I did deserve to die.

W-Well, and I should've kept
taking care of you,

instead of bringing you here
to have you killed.

Maybe I deserve to be
with someone who let me die.

Maybe we deserve each other.

It does seem like we're meant
for each other.

I mean, gosh, maybe that's what
true marriage is...

two people who want each other to die.

Now you're getting it.

So much beauty.

Oh, Brian, I'm sorry that Jess died

during the commercial break,

but it was a very nice funeral service.

Yeah, it's sad.

She was the love of my life,
my heart, my...

Hoo-ah!

I took that from her apartment.

So, Chris, I hear
you been doing some vaping.

So douchey.

Mom, you told him?

- We had a deal.
- Thanks a lot, Peter.

You promised you wouldn't say anything.

Oh, I'm supposed to keep your secret

after you lied to me
about sneaking cigarettes?

What the hell, Chris? You told him, too?

- No, I didn't.
- Brian told me.

Are you serious, Peter? You said
you wouldn't say anything.

I promised Meg I wouldn't tell anyone.

Oh, good job with that, dick.

Chris, the only reason I told him

was he promised he'd keep
his mouth shut.

Oh, nice job, Chris.

I should've known not to trust someone

who kisses his own brother.

What? Wh-Who told you that?

- Don't look at me.
- Meg told me.

How does it feel, Meg,
you frigging town crier?

- You're such a bitch.
- She's a bitch?

Meg, you said you
wouldn't tell Stewie's secret.

Stewie, you told Dad?

I had to get it off my chest.

I didn't think he'd understand me.

I understand pieces now and then.