Family Guy (1998–…): Season 17, Episode 1 - Married with Cancer - full transcript
Brian quickly falls in love with a woman, and after receiving devastating news regarding her cancer diagnosis, he proposes marriage.
♪ It seems today that all you see ♪
♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪
♪ On which we used to rely? ♪
♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
♪ Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪
♪ All the things that make us ♪
♪ Laugh and cry ♪
♪ He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy! ♪
Brian, why are you dressed like a douche
who hangs out with multiracial friends
in a McDonald's commercial?
(CHUCKLES): Okay.
All right, that'll do.
Well, I'm heading out. See y'all.
Hey, Brian, that hat
makes you look like a wang.
Squat and white
with a dark mushroom cap,
- like Michael Jackson.
- Is that true?
Yes.
Let me guess, Bri.
You're off to try and get laid
- at some sad nightclub.
- Shut up, Stewie.
I'm not just out for sex.
I want a woman who I can spend
the rest of my life with.
I simply haven't found her yet.
And you never will, because the truth is
you're a selfish horndog who's
getting too old for the game.
I beg to differ.
I think I've got the lingo
of today's lady down pat.
Hey. Might I Pinterest you
in a drink-point-oh?
♪
Ladies.
How about the Verizon guy
moving over to Sprint? Huh?
That seems kind of wack, right?
- Like, zero chill.
- I can't understand you.
Does anyone here speak Old Dude?
Is Bernie Sanders here bothering you?
Another bourbon, please.
- Shut up, dick.
- Wha...?
- Why do I come here?
- WOMAN: Tell me about it.
He called me a dick earlier.
- I'm Jess.
- Thanks. I'm Brian.
Well, Jess, bottoms up.
If you're lucky. (CHUCKLES)
So, this place, uh...
it's worse than Syria, don't you think?
Yes! Everything about it is awful.
The people, the music...
- If you can call it music.
- If you can call it music.
Oh, my God, we were grumpy
and bitter at the same time.
(LAUGHS): I like you, Brian.
You actually say what's on your mind.
Hey, life's too short, right?
(GROANS) Tell me about it.
I've been diagnosed
with non-Hodgkin's lymphoma.
Oh, you know, cancer?
Oh, my God, I thought I smelled cancer.
Still want to go back to my place?
Sounds great. Or, as young people say,
"Hashtag yes!"
(CRICKETS CHIRPING)
(KISSING)
(EXHAUSTED SIGHS)
- Whew!
- That was incredible.
And hey, sorry I barked
when you took your pants off.
I thought it was a squirrel.
Ready to go again?
Oh, I need time.
I'm still recovering
from that one thing you did
that was so obscene,
it couldn't even be described
on lame, dying network TV.
Have you always been so...
Freaky? No. But when I got my diagnosis,
I made a bucket list
of wild sex stuff I want to try.
Jess, I would like
to help you cross offos
every single item on this list.
Aw. You would do that for me?
All except for number 17.
I'm allergic to chocolate.
But isn't that only I?
You know what? Let me make a phone call.
♪
♪ Oh... ♪
♪ Yeah! ♪
(MUSIC FADES)
Brian, I'm glad
your girlfriend could join us
- for dinner tonight.
- Thanks, Lois.
And when she gets back
from the bathroom,
none of you say anything about cancer.
I'm serious. I really enjoy
spending time with this woman,
and I don't want you ruining it for me.
- Okay, okay, promise.
- Of course. We got it.
Lois, you didn't have to go
through all this trouble.
It's like a whole Thanksgiving dinner.
Oh, it's no problem, Jess.
We're happy to have you.
Chris, pass me a turkey leg, would you?
I prefer the limbs.
I got a "limb fo' Ma."
Uh, let's stop talking
about the food. All right?
Anyone seen any good movies lately?
I saw that new Tom Hanks movie.
Oh, man, I love every Tom Hanks movie,
except The Terminal.
There's nothing worse than
when you're flipping channels,
and you're like,
"Oh, God, it's Terminal.
"Don't say it's Terminal.
"God, what have I done to deserve this?
Why does it have to be Terminal?!"
Sir, I will tell you
a great Tom Hanks movie:
Catch Me If You Can, sir.
You have literally
never called Peter "sir."
Well, I've never told you
that I can't throw a boomerang,
but it's true.
See? I told you. But at least
I don't have cancer,
- like your girlfriend.
- That's it.
I'm getting you out ofere.
(CRICKETS CHIRPING)
I like your family. They're scumbags.
I like you.
No, Jess...
I really like you.
I can't remember the last time
I felt this happy.
♪
(BRIAN MOANING SOFTLY)
I feel dizzy.
Me, too.
This all happened so fast, I...
Jess? Are you okay?
Jess?
Are you guys still leaving?
Oh. Yeah. Sorry.
(SIGHS)
♪
(DOOR OPENS)
Wait, where's Dr. Hartman?
I'm afraid Jess's condition
is too serious
to be announced by Dr. Hartman.
So they sent me, Dr. Gravitas.
- Oh... boy.
- Uh-oh.
Jess, I'll come right out and say it.
The cancer did not respond to treatment
and has spread throughout your body.
You've got approximately
two weeks left to live.
Oh, my God.
Oh...
(SOBBING)
(SIGHS) I'm so sorry, Jess.
If there's anything I can do...
No, you've been great.
I mean, you don't even
need to be here right now.
I'm just some woman
who never got to have
the career she wanted
or get married or have kids.
(SOBBING)
One of those things... you can do.
It would be my honor
if you spent the rest of your life
as my bride.
Oh, Brian. Yes!
♪
(PHONE RINGS)
Oh, this is my vet.
Hello?
Oh, great.
Well, some good news.
That chocolate thing
from the bucket list?
We're all good. Let's do it.
Toblerone probably isn't
the best thing for this.
♪
Brian? It would mean the world to me
if you wore my tux
from when I got married.
I love you, buddy.
Yeah, I'm not wearing
a fat guy's old clothes.
And... Wha... Is this a flap
on the butt of these pants?
Yup. In case of emergencies.
My invention. Called it the Suit-Chute.
Got it patented in '97
and went into business.
Shot a local commercial and everything.
I'm Peter Griffin,
inventor of the Suit-Chute.
Are you about to walk down the aisle
and afraid you'll leave it brown?
Did you eat creamy soup
just before the opera?
Are you George Brett
at an awards ceremony?
Then you need a tux with the Suit-Chute.
Don't take my word for it.
Ask famous Hollywood actor-
slash-pants filler Dennis Franz.
On NYPD Blue,
I'm known for packin' heat.
But every year when I go to the Emmys,
the heat I'm packin'
is clumpy and smells terrible.
Not anymore, thanks to the Suit-Chute.
And the winner is...
your socks and shoes.
The business died,
and I lost $200,000, Brian.
Want to know why?
"555" means it is not
an actual phone number.
I truly wish I had known that.
Brian, I want nothing to do
with this sham wedding.
So if you're going to ask me
to be your best man, don't.
I'm not. I want you to be
the ring bearer,
and wear a vest and a boutonniere
- and carry a satin pillow...
- Sold, sold. Yes, I'm in.
But it's still wrong. There's no way
you'd be marrying this woman
if she wasn't going to die
- in two weeks.
- Oh, come on!
Did you know that Lois was so moved
she called Channel Five
to do a profile of me and Jess?
And now get out your tissues,
it's a real-life Quahog version
of The Fault in Our Stars,
the novel and hit movie your
gay nephew quotes on Facebook.
♪
My name is Jess.
I have cancer.
But cancer doesn't have me.
My name is Brian.
I have a disease...
called love.
It may have started in my penis,
but it spread to my heart.
♪
And, Brian, when you learned
Jess had only weeks to live,
you proposed.
Yep. Got in right under the wire.
No one's ever loved me like Brian does.
You know, sometimes at night I
just watch Jess sleep for hours.
And I go, "Hey. Hey, you alive?"
And she says, "Yeah," and
then I go, "All right, good."
(SNIFFLES) I'm, uh... I'm sorry.
(CHUCKLES) I'm sorry to be a puss.
Hey, pal.
Listen, I kn-I know
we've had our differences,
- but you're a good guy.
- Thank you, Quagmire.
Listen, I want to throw you
the wildest bachelor party
of all time. It's gonna be crazier
than whatever Kanye West is
doing at this particular moment.
I'm giving this lasagna a massage
while preparing to announce
I'm joining ISIS.
Thank you for your interest.
This is delicious.
Hmm. I still think the butter cream
was the best cake I've thrown up so far.
Oh, speaking of which. Mwah!
Excuse me, I don't mean to bother you.
A-Are you the dog
who's marrying the cancer girl?
Oh, uh, yeah, I am.
Oh, my God, we saw you
on the news last night!
You are just the best person.
I can't even.
How's she doing?
Honestly, not well.
She's only got ten days.
So in ten days you'll be alone?
I guess.
Well, maybe not.
I'll give you my number.
Here, I'll put my number in
with my tongue.
Eh, eh, eh, eh, eh.
I'm not sure that's a complete number,
but I'm gonna call you first.
Wow. I haven't gotten
this kind of attention
since I went to see The Peanuts Movie.
- Look.
- There he is.
That's him.
That's the guy who peed
in his empty soda cup.
(CRYING)
(ORGAN MUSIC PLAYING)
Hello, Brian, I'm Jess's mother, Helen.
Oh, hey.
L-Listen, I've been
wanting to talk to you.
I-I was thinking maybe you could
move in with me and Jess,
because I-I know you'd want to
be with her for her final days.
Well, now, thank you, Brian.
That is such a sweet offer.
I would love to be there.
Now, you have a blessed day.
(CHUCKLING): Oh... Oh, no.
We's all gathered here
to join this couple in holy matrimony.
(SIGHS) Yet another wedding
I'm on this side of, Jeffrey.
We's just waiting for his mama to die.
(SINGSONGY): We've written our own vows.
PETER: Oh, no.
Brian, I...
I haven't known you that long.
But these past weeks
I feel like you've given me
a lifetime of love.
I vow to honor you and cherish you
until the day I die,
a week from Wednesday.
I'm so happy to place this ring
on the weird dog thumb you have
halfway up your arm.
Jess, I wish we had
a million years together.
But what we have is this moment,
and I wouldn't trade it for anything.
With this ring, I vow to honor
you and cherish you...
for the rest of the month.
Ma'am, do you take this doggie
to be your husband?
I do.
Yay!
How about you, doggie?
Samesies?
- I do.
- Yay, again!
By the power bottom vested in me,
I now pronounce y'all husband and wife.
Kiss!
WOMAN: Aw.
Everyone! Your attention, please!
Dr. Gravitas?
That's right.
I want to give you two your first gift.
These are your latest
test results, Jess.
And they're remarkable.
Meaning what?
Meaning Jess... is going to live.
(GUESTS GASP, CHEER)
♪
Brian, we really
will be together forever.
Forever and ever and ever!
Can you believe this?
What?
Jess is gonna live.
I-I'm sorry, I took a-a muscle
relaxer this morning.
Tinazidine.
Before you drove here?!
Yeah, I took half of one
before I got in the car.
And then another half at a red light.
It's fine, it's Tinazidine.
I-I might take another half.
You want a half?
Oh, no.
Come on. It was prescribed by a doctor
to a guy named John Selvaggio
who has a mailbox that he can't
see from his front yard.
It's Tinazidine.
Stop saying what it is.
ANNOUNCER: Tinazidine:
the white, plastic pouch
in your neighbor's mailbox
that might be three months of drugs.
Oh, my God. It is so incredible
having my appetite back.
Mm.
I love you.
Ah, shrimp.
It's like I'm a baby bird.
(SPITS, LAUGHS)
This turn me on, too.
(CRICKETS CHIRPING)
(FARTS)
Brian, did you hear that?
Mm-hmm.
Remember what the doctor said?
Flatulence means my digestive
system is working again.
Oh, my God, I must have, like,
six months worth
of cancer-farts built up.
(SHORT FARTS)
(LONG FART)
(GIGGLES)
MAN (IN DISTANCE):
Would you stop farting, please?
This is a nice hotel.
- Okay, that's the last box.
- (MEWING)
Aw, you're so glad to be back
with me, aren't you?
Mommy was so sad
when she had to put you all
up for adoption.
Yes, she was.
Ooh, I'm going straight to the kitchen
to make my favorite meal
in a tiny apartment:
microwaved salmon.
(SHORT FARTS)
(FARTS CONTINUE WITH EACH STEP)
(SIGHS)
MAN: Welcome back, Brian.
- (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- AUDIENCE MEMBER: That's Lou,
the apartment manager
from when Brian moved out.
Ain't that somethin'
to flip your biscuit.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
What?
That's my thing I say, remember?
Oh. Uh, no.
I-I can't imagine anyone does.
Hey, listen, thanks for renting to us
even though we have ten cats and
couldn't make the deposit.
Spent, uh, pretty much
every last penny on our wedding.
(CHUCKLES) Dead broke.
Ain't that somethin'
to flip your biscuit.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- So, Bri, this...
- (APPLAUSE SLOWLY STOPS)
So, Bri, this is once again
your hellhole.
I was going to help you move in
but you don't really
own anything, do you?
Yeah, we didn't bother
to register for giftsis
because she was supposed to die!
I must say, she's looking... healthy.
Putting those Juicy pants to the test.
(WHISPERING): Stewie,
I've got to get out of this.
You were right all along, okay?
I'm not ready to be married.
I-I gotta... I gotta get a divorce.
Oh, that'll go over well
after you paraded
your "great love" around town.
Which reminds me, your
follow-up Tom Tucker profile
is coming on now.
We got countless letters
after our profile of the Cancer Girl
who won her sweetheart's paw
in marriage.
Turns out their story
has a very happy ending.
Due to audio issues, the
following footage is subtitled.
(CONTINUOUS FARTING)
(MEWING)
Brian, look.
- Holy...
- I know.
My hair's growing back.
What do you think?
You look like a baby doll
found in hurricane rubble.
Aw, I'm your baby doll.
- (KNOCKING)
- I'll get it.
(QUIETLY): Ain't that somethin'
to flip your biscuit?
Nothing?
(AUDIENCE MEMBER COUGHS)
Oh, hey, Helen. What are you doing here?
Coming to live with you, like
you asked me to at the wedding.
Are-are you watching HBO?
I'm a Christian woman, Brian.
Cancel HBO now.
We can spend the extra money
on the big photos of fetuses I hold
while I yell at people outside Panera.
JESS: Mom, guess what?
- My farts are back.
- (SHORT HIGH-PITCHED FART)
- JESS'S MOM: Mine never went away.
- (LOW FART)
- (BOTH LAUGH)
- JESS: Oh, man.
- Uh-huh.
- So the crazy ex-girlfriend
- sings this hilarious song.
- Uh-huh.
It's all about how
she's having her period,
but the other guy
she wanted to impress...
The one who created
the social media app...
He walks in while she's singing,
so now he's not into her, either.
Uh-huh.
- Will you get me more salsa?
- Uh-huh.
Brian.
Will you get me more salsa?
Huh? Sorry. Got it.
They only had mild.
(GAGGING)
(COUGHING, CHOKING)
Well, I'm sorry it's so disgusting,
but that's all they have.
Oh, you're gonna die if you
have to eat mild salsa?
Come on.
(CHOKING)
Wait, are you... Oh, my G...
Oh, my God, are you choking?
She's... Someone... I don't...
Heimlich maneuver.
How do you do the Heimlich maneuver?
Come on, come on.
Damn it. I've got one song
by Haim on my phone?
And every time I try to type
"Heimlich", it...
♪
(GASPING)
Oh, my God. Somebody call 911!
Damn it, Fox.
That's not an invitation
to ruin our moment
to expand your media empire.
(SIGHS)
Son of Zorn.
Ha.
(ORGAN MUSIC PLAYING)
(CRYING)
I'd like to thank you all for coming
to honor the memory
of my beloved wife Jess...
Uh...
I'm sorry, I'm just realizing
I never caught her last name.
- JESS'S MOM: Schlotz.
- Yikes.
It was my husband's name.
What's your maiden name?
Borgwort.
PETER: That's also bad.
Look, all I want to say is...
I always knew this day was coming.
But what I didn't know was...
just how much I was gonna miss Jess.
I would give anything
if she were still here with me.
(GASPS)
I'm okay.
It's a miracle!
(SOBBING)
♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪
♪ On which we used to rely? ♪
♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
♪ Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪
♪ All the things that make us ♪
♪ Laugh and cry ♪
♪ He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy! ♪
Brian, why are you dressed like a douche
who hangs out with multiracial friends
in a McDonald's commercial?
(CHUCKLES): Okay.
All right, that'll do.
Well, I'm heading out. See y'all.
Hey, Brian, that hat
makes you look like a wang.
Squat and white
with a dark mushroom cap,
- like Michael Jackson.
- Is that true?
Yes.
Let me guess, Bri.
You're off to try and get laid
- at some sad nightclub.
- Shut up, Stewie.
I'm not just out for sex.
I want a woman who I can spend
the rest of my life with.
I simply haven't found her yet.
And you never will, because the truth is
you're a selfish horndog who's
getting too old for the game.
I beg to differ.
I think I've got the lingo
of today's lady down pat.
Hey. Might I Pinterest you
in a drink-point-oh?
♪
Ladies.
How about the Verizon guy
moving over to Sprint? Huh?
That seems kind of wack, right?
- Like, zero chill.
- I can't understand you.
Does anyone here speak Old Dude?
Is Bernie Sanders here bothering you?
Another bourbon, please.
- Shut up, dick.
- Wha...?
- Why do I come here?
- WOMAN: Tell me about it.
He called me a dick earlier.
- I'm Jess.
- Thanks. I'm Brian.
Well, Jess, bottoms up.
If you're lucky. (CHUCKLES)
So, this place, uh...
it's worse than Syria, don't you think?
Yes! Everything about it is awful.
The people, the music...
- If you can call it music.
- If you can call it music.
Oh, my God, we were grumpy
and bitter at the same time.
(LAUGHS): I like you, Brian.
You actually say what's on your mind.
Hey, life's too short, right?
(GROANS) Tell me about it.
I've been diagnosed
with non-Hodgkin's lymphoma.
Oh, you know, cancer?
Oh, my God, I thought I smelled cancer.
Still want to go back to my place?
Sounds great. Or, as young people say,
"Hashtag yes!"
(CRICKETS CHIRPING)
(KISSING)
(EXHAUSTED SIGHS)
- Whew!
- That was incredible.
And hey, sorry I barked
when you took your pants off.
I thought it was a squirrel.
Ready to go again?
Oh, I need time.
I'm still recovering
from that one thing you did
that was so obscene,
it couldn't even be described
on lame, dying network TV.
Have you always been so...
Freaky? No. But when I got my diagnosis,
I made a bucket list
of wild sex stuff I want to try.
Jess, I would like
to help you cross offos
every single item on this list.
Aw. You would do that for me?
All except for number 17.
I'm allergic to chocolate.
But isn't that only I?
You know what? Let me make a phone call.
♪
♪ Oh... ♪
♪ Yeah! ♪
(MUSIC FADES)
Brian, I'm glad
your girlfriend could join us
- for dinner tonight.
- Thanks, Lois.
And when she gets back
from the bathroom,
none of you say anything about cancer.
I'm serious. I really enjoy
spending time with this woman,
and I don't want you ruining it for me.
- Okay, okay, promise.
- Of course. We got it.
Lois, you didn't have to go
through all this trouble.
It's like a whole Thanksgiving dinner.
Oh, it's no problem, Jess.
We're happy to have you.
Chris, pass me a turkey leg, would you?
I prefer the limbs.
I got a "limb fo' Ma."
Uh, let's stop talking
about the food. All right?
Anyone seen any good movies lately?
I saw that new Tom Hanks movie.
Oh, man, I love every Tom Hanks movie,
except The Terminal.
There's nothing worse than
when you're flipping channels,
and you're like,
"Oh, God, it's Terminal.
"Don't say it's Terminal.
"God, what have I done to deserve this?
Why does it have to be Terminal?!"
Sir, I will tell you
a great Tom Hanks movie:
Catch Me If You Can, sir.
You have literally
never called Peter "sir."
Well, I've never told you
that I can't throw a boomerang,
but it's true.
See? I told you. But at least
I don't have cancer,
- like your girlfriend.
- That's it.
I'm getting you out ofere.
(CRICKETS CHIRPING)
I like your family. They're scumbags.
I like you.
No, Jess...
I really like you.
I can't remember the last time
I felt this happy.
♪
(BRIAN MOANING SOFTLY)
I feel dizzy.
Me, too.
This all happened so fast, I...
Jess? Are you okay?
Jess?
Are you guys still leaving?
Oh. Yeah. Sorry.
(SIGHS)
♪
(DOOR OPENS)
Wait, where's Dr. Hartman?
I'm afraid Jess's condition
is too serious
to be announced by Dr. Hartman.
So they sent me, Dr. Gravitas.
- Oh... boy.
- Uh-oh.
Jess, I'll come right out and say it.
The cancer did not respond to treatment
and has spread throughout your body.
You've got approximately
two weeks left to live.
Oh, my God.
Oh...
(SOBBING)
(SIGHS) I'm so sorry, Jess.
If there's anything I can do...
No, you've been great.
I mean, you don't even
need to be here right now.
I'm just some woman
who never got to have
the career she wanted
or get married or have kids.
(SOBBING)
One of those things... you can do.
It would be my honor
if you spent the rest of your life
as my bride.
Oh, Brian. Yes!
♪
(PHONE RINGS)
Oh, this is my vet.
Hello?
Oh, great.
Well, some good news.
That chocolate thing
from the bucket list?
We're all good. Let's do it.
Toblerone probably isn't
the best thing for this.
♪
Brian? It would mean the world to me
if you wore my tux
from when I got married.
I love you, buddy.
Yeah, I'm not wearing
a fat guy's old clothes.
And... Wha... Is this a flap
on the butt of these pants?
Yup. In case of emergencies.
My invention. Called it the Suit-Chute.
Got it patented in '97
and went into business.
Shot a local commercial and everything.
I'm Peter Griffin,
inventor of the Suit-Chute.
Are you about to walk down the aisle
and afraid you'll leave it brown?
Did you eat creamy soup
just before the opera?
Are you George Brett
at an awards ceremony?
Then you need a tux with the Suit-Chute.
Don't take my word for it.
Ask famous Hollywood actor-
slash-pants filler Dennis Franz.
On NYPD Blue,
I'm known for packin' heat.
But every year when I go to the Emmys,
the heat I'm packin'
is clumpy and smells terrible.
Not anymore, thanks to the Suit-Chute.
And the winner is...
your socks and shoes.
The business died,
and I lost $200,000, Brian.
Want to know why?
"555" means it is not
an actual phone number.
I truly wish I had known that.
Brian, I want nothing to do
with this sham wedding.
So if you're going to ask me
to be your best man, don't.
I'm not. I want you to be
the ring bearer,
and wear a vest and a boutonniere
- and carry a satin pillow...
- Sold, sold. Yes, I'm in.
But it's still wrong. There's no way
you'd be marrying this woman
if she wasn't going to die
- in two weeks.
- Oh, come on!
Did you know that Lois was so moved
she called Channel Five
to do a profile of me and Jess?
And now get out your tissues,
it's a real-life Quahog version
of The Fault in Our Stars,
the novel and hit movie your
gay nephew quotes on Facebook.
♪
My name is Jess.
I have cancer.
But cancer doesn't have me.
My name is Brian.
I have a disease...
called love.
It may have started in my penis,
but it spread to my heart.
♪
And, Brian, when you learned
Jess had only weeks to live,
you proposed.
Yep. Got in right under the wire.
No one's ever loved me like Brian does.
You know, sometimes at night I
just watch Jess sleep for hours.
And I go, "Hey. Hey, you alive?"
And she says, "Yeah," and
then I go, "All right, good."
(SNIFFLES) I'm, uh... I'm sorry.
(CHUCKLES) I'm sorry to be a puss.
Hey, pal.
Listen, I kn-I know
we've had our differences,
- but you're a good guy.
- Thank you, Quagmire.
Listen, I want to throw you
the wildest bachelor party
of all time. It's gonna be crazier
than whatever Kanye West is
doing at this particular moment.
I'm giving this lasagna a massage
while preparing to announce
I'm joining ISIS.
Thank you for your interest.
This is delicious.
Hmm. I still think the butter cream
was the best cake I've thrown up so far.
Oh, speaking of which. Mwah!
Excuse me, I don't mean to bother you.
A-Are you the dog
who's marrying the cancer girl?
Oh, uh, yeah, I am.
Oh, my God, we saw you
on the news last night!
You are just the best person.
I can't even.
How's she doing?
Honestly, not well.
She's only got ten days.
So in ten days you'll be alone?
I guess.
Well, maybe not.
I'll give you my number.
Here, I'll put my number in
with my tongue.
Eh, eh, eh, eh, eh.
I'm not sure that's a complete number,
but I'm gonna call you first.
Wow. I haven't gotten
this kind of attention
since I went to see The Peanuts Movie.
- Look.
- There he is.
That's him.
That's the guy who peed
in his empty soda cup.
(CRYING)
(ORGAN MUSIC PLAYING)
Hello, Brian, I'm Jess's mother, Helen.
Oh, hey.
L-Listen, I've been
wanting to talk to you.
I-I was thinking maybe you could
move in with me and Jess,
because I-I know you'd want to
be with her for her final days.
Well, now, thank you, Brian.
That is such a sweet offer.
I would love to be there.
Now, you have a blessed day.
(CHUCKLING): Oh... Oh, no.
We's all gathered here
to join this couple in holy matrimony.
(SIGHS) Yet another wedding
I'm on this side of, Jeffrey.
We's just waiting for his mama to die.
(SINGSONGY): We've written our own vows.
PETER: Oh, no.
Brian, I...
I haven't known you that long.
But these past weeks
I feel like you've given me
a lifetime of love.
I vow to honor you and cherish you
until the day I die,
a week from Wednesday.
I'm so happy to place this ring
on the weird dog thumb you have
halfway up your arm.
Jess, I wish we had
a million years together.
But what we have is this moment,
and I wouldn't trade it for anything.
With this ring, I vow to honor
you and cherish you...
for the rest of the month.
Ma'am, do you take this doggie
to be your husband?
I do.
Yay!
How about you, doggie?
Samesies?
- I do.
- Yay, again!
By the power bottom vested in me,
I now pronounce y'all husband and wife.
Kiss!
WOMAN: Aw.
Everyone! Your attention, please!
Dr. Gravitas?
That's right.
I want to give you two your first gift.
These are your latest
test results, Jess.
And they're remarkable.
Meaning what?
Meaning Jess... is going to live.
(GUESTS GASP, CHEER)
♪
Brian, we really
will be together forever.
Forever and ever and ever!
Can you believe this?
What?
Jess is gonna live.
I-I'm sorry, I took a-a muscle
relaxer this morning.
Tinazidine.
Before you drove here?!
Yeah, I took half of one
before I got in the car.
And then another half at a red light.
It's fine, it's Tinazidine.
I-I might take another half.
You want a half?
Oh, no.
Come on. It was prescribed by a doctor
to a guy named John Selvaggio
who has a mailbox that he can't
see from his front yard.
It's Tinazidine.
Stop saying what it is.
ANNOUNCER: Tinazidine:
the white, plastic pouch
in your neighbor's mailbox
that might be three months of drugs.
Oh, my God. It is so incredible
having my appetite back.
Mm.
I love you.
Ah, shrimp.
It's like I'm a baby bird.
(SPITS, LAUGHS)
This turn me on, too.
(CRICKETS CHIRPING)
(FARTS)
Brian, did you hear that?
Mm-hmm.
Remember what the doctor said?
Flatulence means my digestive
system is working again.
Oh, my God, I must have, like,
six months worth
of cancer-farts built up.
(SHORT FARTS)
(LONG FART)
(GIGGLES)
MAN (IN DISTANCE):
Would you stop farting, please?
This is a nice hotel.
- Okay, that's the last box.
- (MEWING)
Aw, you're so glad to be back
with me, aren't you?
Mommy was so sad
when she had to put you all
up for adoption.
Yes, she was.
Ooh, I'm going straight to the kitchen
to make my favorite meal
in a tiny apartment:
microwaved salmon.
(SHORT FARTS)
(FARTS CONTINUE WITH EACH STEP)
(SIGHS)
MAN: Welcome back, Brian.
- (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- AUDIENCE MEMBER: That's Lou,
the apartment manager
from when Brian moved out.
Ain't that somethin'
to flip your biscuit.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
What?
That's my thing I say, remember?
Oh. Uh, no.
I-I can't imagine anyone does.
Hey, listen, thanks for renting to us
even though we have ten cats and
couldn't make the deposit.
Spent, uh, pretty much
every last penny on our wedding.
(CHUCKLES) Dead broke.
Ain't that somethin'
to flip your biscuit.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- So, Bri, this...
- (APPLAUSE SLOWLY STOPS)
So, Bri, this is once again
your hellhole.
I was going to help you move in
but you don't really
own anything, do you?
Yeah, we didn't bother
to register for giftsis
because she was supposed to die!
I must say, she's looking... healthy.
Putting those Juicy pants to the test.
(WHISPERING): Stewie,
I've got to get out of this.
You were right all along, okay?
I'm not ready to be married.
I-I gotta... I gotta get a divorce.
Oh, that'll go over well
after you paraded
your "great love" around town.
Which reminds me, your
follow-up Tom Tucker profile
is coming on now.
We got countless letters
after our profile of the Cancer Girl
who won her sweetheart's paw
in marriage.
Turns out their story
has a very happy ending.
Due to audio issues, the
following footage is subtitled.
(CONTINUOUS FARTING)
(MEWING)
Brian, look.
- Holy...
- I know.
My hair's growing back.
What do you think?
You look like a baby doll
found in hurricane rubble.
Aw, I'm your baby doll.
- (KNOCKING)
- I'll get it.
(QUIETLY): Ain't that somethin'
to flip your biscuit?
Nothing?
(AUDIENCE MEMBER COUGHS)
Oh, hey, Helen. What are you doing here?
Coming to live with you, like
you asked me to at the wedding.
Are-are you watching HBO?
I'm a Christian woman, Brian.
Cancel HBO now.
We can spend the extra money
on the big photos of fetuses I hold
while I yell at people outside Panera.
JESS: Mom, guess what?
- My farts are back.
- (SHORT HIGH-PITCHED FART)
- JESS'S MOM: Mine never went away.
- (LOW FART)
- (BOTH LAUGH)
- JESS: Oh, man.
- Uh-huh.
- So the crazy ex-girlfriend
- sings this hilarious song.
- Uh-huh.
It's all about how
she's having her period,
but the other guy
she wanted to impress...
The one who created
the social media app...
He walks in while she's singing,
so now he's not into her, either.
Uh-huh.
- Will you get me more salsa?
- Uh-huh.
Brian.
Will you get me more salsa?
Huh? Sorry. Got it.
They only had mild.
(GAGGING)
(COUGHING, CHOKING)
Well, I'm sorry it's so disgusting,
but that's all they have.
Oh, you're gonna die if you
have to eat mild salsa?
Come on.
(CHOKING)
Wait, are you... Oh, my G...
Oh, my God, are you choking?
She's... Someone... I don't...
Heimlich maneuver.
How do you do the Heimlich maneuver?
Come on, come on.
Damn it. I've got one song
by Haim on my phone?
And every time I try to type
"Heimlich", it...
♪
(GASPING)
Oh, my God. Somebody call 911!
Damn it, Fox.
That's not an invitation
to ruin our moment
to expand your media empire.
(SIGHS)
Son of Zorn.
Ha.
(ORGAN MUSIC PLAYING)
(CRYING)
I'd like to thank you all for coming
to honor the memory
of my beloved wife Jess...
Uh...
I'm sorry, I'm just realizing
I never caught her last name.
- JESS'S MOM: Schlotz.
- Yikes.
It was my husband's name.
What's your maiden name?
Borgwort.
PETER: That's also bad.
Look, all I want to say is...
I always knew this day was coming.
But what I didn't know was...
just how much I was gonna miss Jess.
I would give anything
if she were still here with me.
(GASPS)
I'm okay.
It's a miracle!
(SOBBING)