Family Guy (1998–…): Season 15, Episode 11 - Gronkowsbees - full transcript

Rob Gronkowski moves in behind the Griffins; Stewie begins beekeeping, and gives them steroids, which makes them aggressive.

♪ It seems today
that all you see ♪

♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ♪

♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪

♪ On which we used to rely? ♪

♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪

♪ Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪

♪ All the things that make us ♪

♪ Laugh and cry ♪

♪ He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy! ♪

(crowd cheering on TV)
COMMENTATOR:
Wide open in the end zone.

Touchdown, Patriots!



Beautiful pass by Tom Brady.

Yeah, Brady!

He's awesome.

I can't believe Gisele
gets to sleep with him.

I wish I was a supermodel.

Hey, it's a commercial.

Jerome, switch
over to the RedZone.

Screw that,
I say we put on the BoneZone.

What's that?
Oh, it's awesome.

They show every sex scene on TV

without all
the boring dialogue and plot.

(remote clicks)
Okay, once again,

nothing is happening
on Homeland,

but over on Masters of Sex,
Lizzy Caplan



is hooked up to electrodes
and getting it from a guy

who sounds American,
but probably isn't.

Hey, we're gonna
split the screens now

because my producer is telling
me on Game of Thrones

we got a malnourished Albino
plowing a girl

in a tub as he names dragons.

Oh, there's a Bone Zone
alert for Girls,

which we'll ignore,

'cause it's Gabby Hoffmann
Donald Ducking it.

Last time we went to that,
we lost a lot of subscribers,

and we're keeping an eye on
The Knick.

We don't want to bring
you dead boobs,

but if they're alive,
we'll get you over there.

(phone chirps)
Ah, crap.

It's almost 3:00.
I got to get out of here.

For what?
It's Sunday.

Eh, the airline's making us
all attend a seminar

about what do to
if someone flies a drone

into your flight path.

Yeah, I hear that kind
of obnoxious behavior

is very big right now in
the dangerous idiot community.

Really? I didn't see that
in the newsletter this month.

Just a big article about how to
tailgate a speeding fire truck

to get places faster.

(siren wailing)

(laughs) Wait till they get
to the golf course

and find out there's no fire.

No, It's a serious problem.

Nowadays any moron

could just order a drone online.

Oh.
There's no regulation.

Oh!
And most of them have cameras

so people can spy on
whoever they want

and invade their privacy.

(louder):
Oh!

Peter, are you
ordering a drone right now?

You bet your ass I am.

Owning a drone
is gonna be a blast.

Even more fun than when
I had breakfast in bread.

Hi, Lois.

It's a great morning,
no matter how you slice it.

Yeah, I don't know
what this is Peter,

but we're four months
behind on our mortgage.

Well, that's odd.

It's not like
we're short on dough.

I'm taking the kids and
I'm staying at my parents'

for a while.

That's the yeast of my concerns.

Ah, Brian, you finally made it.

I'm having a tea party.
Sit down.

Yeah, you texted me,
like, 80 times.

Look, Stewie, I don't
have time to sip air

and pretend to eat
a wooden hamburger patty.

Yeah? Tell me why
you don't have time.

All right, I have time.

And there's nothing
pretend about this.

Real tea, real milk,

and the best honey you'll
ever taste in your whole life.

Wow, this is good.

Where'd you buy the honey?

I didn't, I'm raising bees.

You're raising bees?

Like-like a beekeeper?

Yup, Mom missed
soccer registration,

so this is my weekends.

Mmm, I got to say,
you're good at it.

You know, you could probably
sell this stuff.

Really?
You think it's that good?

Yeah, plus it's local.

It's straight from the hive.

People at farmers' markets
would go nuts for this.

You know, you could probably
charge, like, $20, $30 a jar.

Oh, now I'm excited
about this, Brian.

I feel like an eighth
grader who just had sex.

So, you go all the way?

Oh, yeah.

I'm gonna need some proof.

Hmm, how can I prove it?

Maybe with
Father O'Leary's briefs.

Oh!
The king.

(crying):
He said he loved me.

All right, time to take flight,

Drone of Arcadia.

Oh, Amber Tamblyn.

I love that show.

Now married to David Cross.

(drone powers up)

Can I have a turn?
I want a turn.

No.

Hey, does Cleveland
have a bald spot?

No.

Hey, what's this do?

(grunting)

JOE:
Check it out,
Here comes a hawk.

(hawk screeches)

Uh-oh.

What's happening?

(hawk screeching)
Ah, no!

I don't think
this is consensual!

JOE: Look at that pervert
squirrel just watching.

Oh, crap, it's busted.

And I bet
it's completely traumatized.

I wasn't traumatized, actually.

It was planned.

Part of the games we play.

♪ ♪

I've been a bad drone.

(knocking on door)

Peter, you've been
knocking a while.

I don't think anyone's in there.

Yeah, look at all this mail.

Maybe he's on vacation
or something.

Oh, my God, he's dead!

And his face and earlobes
are missing.

(cat yowls, all scream)

Oh, that's a relief.

It's just the cat that
ate his face and ears off.

So, Brian, this is my hive.

Now, how many bees
do you think are in here?

I don't know, a-a million?

No, it's 4,000.

Now that seems like nothing

because of your
idiot million guess.

All right, now,
if you're going to sell honey

at the farmers' market,
you need to practice.

So you be the salesman,
and I'll be the customer.

Ooh, what do we have here?

Uh, honey.

Like the sign says.

I find your attitude cavalier.

May I speak to your manager?

Stewie, come on.

I'm sorry, is there
a problem here?

I was just in the back
and I heard a commotion.

How do we have a back?
I simply came here

to enquire about honey

and your employee spoke to me
loudly and with profanity.

Stewie, this is ridiculous.

Brian, please, I trust that
this handsome young customer

knows what he's talking about.

Oh, my, and I thought only bees
pour on the honey.

I'm going inside.

So, are you from around here?

No I'm just in town for the
John Singer Sargent exhibit

at the museum.
(gasps)
Really?

I've been looking for
an excuse to go again.

Well, looks like I won't need
that audio tour.

Great.
Give me one minute.

Let me text my fiancée.

Your what?

(phone beeps)
That was Bonnie.

She said they already
sold the house behind us.

Poor Mr. Seigel.

(party music plays)
What the hell is that?

MAN:
Yeah, that party bus is awesome.

MAN 2:
Yeah, let's go, let's go.

Here we go, baby.
Yeah!

Oh, God, please don't let that
be our new neighbors.

What is it?
Some kind of crazy van

with the number 87 on the side.

87?

That's not a van, Lois,
that's a party bus.

Rob Gronkowski's party bus!

Who's that?

Only the star tight end

of the New England Patriots

and America's
most athletic Polish.

♪ ♪

Did you guys see?

Oh, my God, that
was Rob Gronkowski.

(men continue cheering)

(all breathing heavily)

(out of breath):
Am I running?

Is this what running is?

I hate it.

♪ ♪

What's up, butt munchers?

That's us!
He called us butt munchers!

We're butt munchers!

(all laughing and cheering)

All right, time to Gronk a dump
in my new house.

Oh. My. God!

Our new neighbor is Gronk.

Hey, I'm your new mailman.

Former star of The Incredible
Hulk, Lou Ferrigno.

On any other day that
would be so exciting.

Please give me my mail and go.

What the hell are you doing?

I wanted to bring over
something to welcome Gronk

to the neighborhood.

So I scraped all the cool ranch

off of 15 bags of Doritos.

You're bringing him
a bowl of powder?

Yeah, I thought he could
eat it by the fistful

or rub it on his balls.

Peter, I don't know
what you're so excited about.

Rob Gronkowski is probably the
worst neighbor we could ask for.

You know he's gonna
be partying day and night.

It's not like it's that tasty
piece of ass, Julian Edelman.

Now there's a Patriot
you can get excited about.

I know he's a wide receiver,
but if he's giving, I'm taking.

(gruff voice):
I'll take it all.

I'll take it wherever.

Ah!

(relieved sigh)
Anyway,

go suck up to
your big dumb monster.

I'll be here hooking the "G"
to thoughts of Edelman.

(doorbell rings)

So, what'd you
get him, Cleveland?

Oreo middles.

Whoa, four standing dogs?

No, we're people, sir.

Um, Mr. Gronk?
I'm Peter Griffin.

I live in the house
behind yours.

We wanted to welcome you
to the neighborhood.

Awesome!

Ha-ha, he spiked it.

I was hoping he would do that.

My eyes!

Hey, you guys seem great.

You want to come in
and eat pizza standing up?

Uh, yeah.
Cool.

You mind if I call
you all Grover?

I don't like
learning names.

Yeah, sure, that'd be sweet.

Well, come on
in, Grover.

(gasps)
He knows my name!

(indistinct conversations
and music)

Oh, my God, you guys, having
Gronk here is gonna be the best.

Kind of like those years
when it was just Marley and me.

Hey, my dog's chewing up
that thing I need.

Hey, my dirty dog's jumping in
the neighbor's pool.

Wait, Marley, don't shake
your wet fur

in the middle of this
fancy party.

I'm gonna lay down these work
blueprints on the floor

and I sure hope you don't walk
across them with muddy paws.

Marley!

Aw, my nightmare dog is dead.

Marley and me.

Workout room, kegerator cellar,

another workout room,

and over here's a room
that's just got a lit candle

on a bale of hay.

I-Is that just
'cause of the danger?

That's exactly why.

My dumb wife won't let me
have a room like that.

Do you have a wife?

(laughing)

(chuckles nervously)

What's going on?

Let's go check out the hot tub.

Check it out, my hot tub
is filled with coffee.

Grab a donut,
go to town!

Sponsored by
Dunkin' Donuts.

And the pool is filled
with my favorite food:

soup with little shapes in it.

Sponsored by Campbell's Soup.

Oh, alphabet soup
is my favorite, too.

What's a "albaphet"?

Nothing. What you said
is not anything.

And check out the shower!

Ultra Sunrise
Monster Energy Drink.

Sponsored by
Monster Energy Drink.

Why do you keep saying
what things are sponsored by?

My manager said
if I don't,

I won't go
to heaven.

Sponsored by SMS Audio
Sweatproof Sport Headphones.

Well, you were right,

the farmers' market
is wonderful.

You've got your
yoga pants moms,

you got your mixed-race
kids riding a pony,

a confused Jerome...

What is this?

A vegetable parking lot?

Now, remember to
tell customers

that this honey is
farm-to-table.

We're not a restaurant,
that doesn't make any sense.

Doesn't have to.

Say anything-to-anything,

people lose their minds.

Just so you know,

this is all
grass-to-bottle.

Ooh!
I know, right?

That'll be $68.

Is this a superfood?

Total superfood.
Full of GMOs.

GMOs are bad.

No GMOs whatsoever.

Amazing.

Wow, this is great,

we've only been
here an hour

and we're almost
totally sold out.

Yes, I didn't
see that coming.

Just like Dan Cortese

didn't see the end
of the '90s coming.

ALL:
Three...

two...

one...

Happy New Year!

(crackling)

Dan Cortese was the only thing
in the entire world

affected by Y2K.

(party music playing)

Grovers,
you made it!

Here, have a beer.

Thanks.

Hey, Gronk, you know,
there's something

I always wanted to ask you.

When you know you
have single coverage,

do you give a hand signal
to Brady,

or is it just eye contact?

I don't know,

want to see me dance?

Well, no, I ask
because sometimes

you're being covered
by a little guy,

and then you and Brady'll
look at each other and...

A-Am I-am I supposed
to touch you?

What-what am I...
what am I doing here?

Oh, I'm sorry, bro.
What was the question?

I ju-I just want to know if you
and Brady have, like, a...

like, a secret hand signal
or something.

Whoa, that is top secret,

but lean in and
I'll tell you.

(belches)

How rude.

Hey, want to
meet my family?

These are my brothers.

Actually, one of them
is my dad,

I'm not sure which.

Probably the gray-haired one

with the whiskey-face sunburn?

Oh, it's an honor
to meet you, sir.

You must be very proud.

Hell, yeah.

I think every dad's dream

is taking his son's
sloppy seconds.

Is your mom here, too?

They don't have a mom.

My ex-wife raised them,

God bless her,
but genetically,

they're a product of me
blammin' onto a side of beef.

All right, since we
sold out so fast,

we've got to make these bees
more productive,

get them to make more honey.

How are we gonna do that?

Steroids, Brian.

This here is the same stuff

that turned Barry Bonds' head

into a prize-winning squash.

Okay. Well, how much are we
supposed to give them?

Hmm.

It says this is enough
for a horse, so,

I don't know,
how many bees is a horse?

Well, you can't fit
a horse in this box,

so I'd just use
the whole thing.

That makes sense.

Barry Bonds says
that's too much steroids.

Time for bed, Barry.

(grunts)

♪ Turn down for what ♪

(distant):
♪ Turn down for what ♪

God, they're still going?

Peter, this is exactly what
I told you would happen!

Not so much fun
anymore, is it?

(music stops, applause)
Oh, thank God,

maybe they're
wrapping it up.

♪ Noise ♪

♪ Noise! ♪

♪ Loud noise, noise ♪

♪ And a Civil War cannon. ♪

(cannon fires)

Damn it, I can't
take anymore!

He is the worst
neighbor ever.

You won't believe
what he did yesterday.

GRONK:
Hey, Grover, catch!

(techno music playing)

(cheering)

(music stops)

Uh, listen, Gronk, um,

it's gettin' kind of late.

Don't you think maybe
it's time to call it a night?

Yeah, sure.

Hey, you ever seen
a nard explode?

A-a what?
A wha... a nard?

I don't...

Is that something
on the Internet?

Uh, 'cause I...

Ah, damn it, what the hell?!

(laughing)

MAN:
Oh, nice shot there.

Come on, don't
get mad, bro.

I was just kidding.

You were kidding?!

What was the joke?!

This was!

Oh, damn it, you hit the seam!

MAN: Oh!
(laughing)

Yeah.

You know what?

You're a jerk, Gronk!

That's it,

I'm getting rid of that bastard.

Just like I helped
kick the British

out of America.

This tyranny shall not stand!

For without liberty...

Ah, crap,
he's even in the cutaways!

(groaning)

(breathing heavily):
Just... just go to commercial.

I'm gonna squat here
and hold onto this bench.

(party music playing)

Peter, you got to
figure something out.

They haven't stopped
partying the whole night.

MAN: Yeah!
MAN 2: Gronk!

MAN 3: Party!
MAN 4: I'm the dad!

I'm sorry, you were
right all along.

But don't worry,
I'll take care of it.

Well, you better
do something soon.

I can't live like this.

I know. That guy's
more annoying

than going to an
Italian restaurant

with someone who's
been to Italy.

They call this a trattoria?

More like a ristorante to me.

Look at that fresco.

Supposed to be
the hills of Elba?

Not once you've seen 'em.

Are you ready to order?

Si. Let me handle
this, Peter.

Two spaghettis and
a chicken fingers.

God, look at all
the honey the bees made!

Those steroids were
a great idea, Stewie.

Hey, look, that bee is
trying to get our honey.

(chuckling):
Okay, Mr. Bee,

we'll give you the
employee discount.

After all, you...

(yells)
Holy crap!

That thing just lifted
a whole jar of honey!

Oh, God, do you think that's
one of our steroid bees?

(buzzing)

Well, this one's wearing
a hoodie as a shirt.

So, yeah, I think
these are ours.

Stewie, I have
a bad feeling abo...

Oh, God, it just
ate the other bee!

Okay, so a few of them
had a bad reaction to...

(buzzing)
Oh, crap.

(buzzing continues)

Oh, my God.
Brian, run!

(tires screeching)

I think maybe giving
those bees steroids

was a bad idea.

(splat)
(gasps)

Turn on the wipers!

(Brian and Stewie yelling)

(muffled music playing)

You sure this is
gonna work, Peter?

Absolutely.

Gronk went to the
University of Arizona,

and everyone who went to the
University of Arizona

believes leprechauns are real.

And since Cleveland already owns
a green suit and a top hat...

This is my Easter clothes.

(doorbell rings)

Whoa, a leprechaun!

Say the thing.

(in Irish accent):
Top of the morning to you,

Mr. Gronkowski.

Have you any interest
in a pot of gold?

All you have to do
is move to Tallahassee!

Wait a minute,

this is just
a disguise!

Aah, son of a bitch!

What's going on here?

Are you guys
trying to get rid of me?

Yeah, we're tryin' to
get rid of you!

Why?

'Cause you're a pain in the ass
to live next to!

I mean, what the hell, Gronk?

Why you got to be like this?

You're a millionaire,

you have the sweetest job
in the world,

you can do whatever you want.

Why you got to act
like such an idiot all the time?

It's not a choice, Grover.

But rather, an obligation.

You see, I've been
groomed for this

my entire life.

Scoring touchdowns,

making people laugh,

punishing my body,

enduring the pain.

All in the name
of entertainment.

Don't you understand?

I'm a commodity, a product.

A modern day gladiator.

You ask about the whys
and the wherefores

behind the boorish facade?

The answer is simple:

I play the jester because
society deems it necessary.

Also, I'm (bleep) insane!

(laughing)

Eat a butt, fatty!

Gronk ain't
going nowhere!

Oh, that's it!

(all grunting)

Oh, cool,
we're fighting?

You guys mind if I eat
while I beat you up?

(grunting)

(tires screeching)

What the hell are
we supposed to do?

We're surrounded!

Hang on, I got this.

"Meg, come outside.

We have Pinkberry."

(buzzing)
(Meg yelling)

Ow! Ow, ow!
Stop-stop it!

All right,
they're distracted,

let's go!

Quick! We just have to
get rid of the queen!

She's in the hive!

What's that gonna do?

The bees instinctively
stay with the queen,

so if she's gone,
they'll follow her!

Okay, great, but how
we gonna do it?

(buzzing)

(all straining)

(grunting)

You guys are
bad fighters.

That's his third sub.

Ah, cool!

Honey rain!

Aah, oh, my God,

is that a bee?!

You have bees here?

Uh, yeah, it's the world.

(buzzing)

Holy crap!

There's a ton of them!

Dad, start up
the party bus!

We're moving!

DAD GRONKOWSKI:
Bees?

Yeah, bees!

And they're
showing blitz!

We got to leave
on two!

(buzzing)

(party music playing)

(tires screeching)

You think their Wi-Fi
is "Vag-Town"?

Yeah, that's probably them.

Look at that, no password.

Oh, well, thank goodness

we finally have
our neighborhood back.

Yeah, now maybe Wilson

can move back in and

give me homespun
wisdom over the fence.

Peter, that was
Home Improvement.

It's exhausting

that you never just go
with something I say.

Coming up, yesterday's brisket.

(belches, blows)

But first, breaking news:

Rob Gronkowski has been
suspended from the Patriots

following a failed drug test

that showed evidence of steroids
in his system.

The star athlete claims
he has no idea

how the banned substance got
into his body.

Oh, no way!

That's terrible.

When pressed
for further comment,

Mr. Gronkowski said simply,

"Grover, go long."

Uh-oh.