Family Guy (1998–…): Season 15, Episode 10 - Passenger Fatty-Seven - full transcript

Quagmire's piloting skills are questioned when he scores free tickets to a guys' trip to San Francisco, and the plane is hijacked on the flight home.

♪ It seems today
that all you see ♪

♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ♪

♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪

♪ On which we used to rely? ♪

♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪

♪ Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪

♪ All the things that make us ♪

♪ Laugh and cry ♪

♪ He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy! ♪

ANNOUNCER (on TV): And now,
The History Channel presents

American Inventor:
The True Story of Henry Ford.



This is my Jew
Flattening Machine.

It'll flatten any Jew.

Simply climb behind the wheel,

drive it towards a Jew,
and flatten him.

Could you also use it
just to drive

from place to place
and stuff?

It-it's a Jew
Flattening Machine.

It's not what
it's designed for.

But you could
use it that way?

Yeah, yeah, you cou...
Yeah, yeah, you-you could

also use the Mona Lisa
as a placemat. God.

Hey, guys.
Oh, hey, Quagmire.

How was marching
band practice?

Peter, you know
this is a pilot's uniform.



It represents years
of specialized training.

Yeah, well, you know
what else takes years

of specialized training?
Crossing your eyes.

Aah! Aah! Aah!
Too far! Too far!

MAN (Korean accent):
Hold still.

Thank you,
Korean sweatshop animator.

You've earned
your nickel this week.

Where're you coming
from, Quagmire?

I had to fly to Aruba,
so I brought my mom along

with my "friends and family"
discount.

Did you...?

Yes, Joe, I got you a magnet.

Where do you even
put all those magnets, Joe?

Well, you know I have
that fridge in the garage

with bags of blood
in my blood type?

What's "friends and family"?

Oh, airline employees
can get discounted tickets

for family and close friends.

What? How-how come
you've never done that for us?

If I'm being honest,
I've also got

a few Celeste pizzas
in that fridge.

I don't know, I-I guess
I just figured you guys

always have to work,
or you're with your kids.

But sure, yeah,
I could take you somewhere.

I'm going to San Francisco next
week. You guys want to come?

San Francisco?

That city from And the Band
Played On and Milk?

I'm in!

Yeah, thanks, Quagmire.

Oh, wow, this'll be great.

Hey, can you make us X-Men?

What a surprise.

Well, I'm off to San Francisco
with the guys.

Okay, I'm off to Hilton Head
with the girls.

You what?
Peter,

I told you about this
a month ago.

I'm going with
Bonnie and Donna

to Donna's sister's
time share.

Well, we can't both
go on a trip at the same time.

I'm sorry, Peter, but I already
have a taxi waiting.

(sighs) All right, I'll go
tell the guys I'm not going.

Why is he taking his suitcase
to tell the guys?

You guys, come on, we got to
go now. Let's go, move it.

QUAGMIRE: I'm in the shower.
It doesn't matter,

we're stealing Lois' cab.

Son of a...

Oh, and the idiot
took my suitcase.

Aw, he was taking me with him.

(indistinct conversations)

Ah, San Francisco.

Aah! San Francisco!

So what are we
gonna do first?

I want to see
the Golden Gate Bridge.

I want to see
Lombard Street.

I want to see
Ghirardelli Square.

Guys, guys.

Let's get lesbian
haircuts and see 'em all.

♪ Come to my window ♪

♪ Oh ♪

♪ Crawl inside ♪

♪ Wait by the light
of the moon ♪

♪ Come to my window ♪

♪ I'll be home soon ♪

♪ I'll be home, I'll be home ♪

♪ I'm coming home... ♪

All right, the gay jokes
are out of the way,

now let's get down to business.

Okay, guys, this is the
original Levi Jeans factory,

created by Levi Strauss
in the year 1853

so that gold miners could wear a
comfortable yet durable fabric.

This is boring.

Well, then you
plan the vacation!

Aah!

Peter, Peter, calm down,
it-it's okay,

we'll-we'll do
whatever you want.

All right, if you promise.

I was thinkin' we could
tuck our shirts into our pants,

put on huge helmets,
and ride Segways.

ALL:
We're not from here!
We're not from here!

You guys, look.

It's Golden State Warriors
star Steph Curry.

Oh, my God, Steph,
I'm such a big fan.

Thanks.
It's nice to meet you.

Hey, I know we just met,
but can I sit on your lap

during your next
post-game press conference?

Sure, I don't see why not.

This is exciting
for the whole Bay Area,

to be just four games away
from the championship...

Dad, I dooked.

That other team's not just
gonna go away, though.

We've got to stay focused, keep
doing what we've been doing.

Fat lady.
Dad, Dad, a fat lady.

Yeah, I-I see her, Peter.

Make her go.

That's not
how we talk to people.

Make her go!

WOMAN:
I'll leave.

Yay!
I'm learning bad lessons.

Wow. So that
was San Francisco.

I didn't realize
how hilly it was gonna be.

Thanks again
for taking us, Quagmire.

Hey, no problem.

Hey, you know,
we're here early.

You guys want a little
tour of the plane?

Yeah, that'd be great.

Normally I'd just
go to Hudson News

and pretend to be
the most important guy there.

Can I help you?

Yes, I will have
eight Dasanis

and a JD Power
& Associates.

(cheering, whistling)

Wow, this
place is cool.

Yeah. What do
all these buttons do?

Like, what's this red one?

Oh, that's a voice filter,
so the passengers always think

the pilot is a 60-year-old
Midwestern white man.

What?
That's impossible.

Hi y'all, this is Cleveland.

AUTHORITATIVE VOICE:
Good afternoon, folks,

this is Captain Dale Clark
up here in the flight deck.

We're way up in the air.

We've reached our cruising
altitude of 37,000 feet.

Y'all get ready to watch
Big Momma's House.

Our in-flight
entertainment today

will be Under the Tuscan Sun.

Ooh, I like that.

I hear it's good.

Hey, what's this button?
"Autopilot"?

Oh, that allows the plane to fly
itself when I need a break.

W-What do you
mean, "a break"?

You don't have
to fly the plane?

Of course I do. I just take
a short break sometimes.

Short break?
It looks like you had time

to put together
the 10,000-piece Lego Hogwarts.

You don't have to touch it, Joe,
you can just say you noticed it.

And what's this booth over here?

Oh, that's my
back-in-time box.

I go inside, magically
go back in time,

and then come out and react
to the fact that we're flying.

By God, we're levitating.

That's just a box
full of costumes.

It's my back-in-time box!

What the hell, Quagmire?
So-so, basically,

your job is just goofin' off.

That's not true.

I broke Gandalf in half.

It's Dumbledore!

Screw you guys.
You know, being a pilot

is hard work.
Look, I tried to be nice

and take you fellas
on a free trip,

and all you can do
is crap all over my job!

I was a Navy pilot, you jerks.

Get the hell out of my cockpit!

Joke's on him. I farted
just before he kicked us out.

QUAGMIRE:
Ugh. Oh, God!

All right, let's see what's
in the in-flight magazine.

Muscular old guy.

Already filled-in
crossword puzzle.

Ooh, this is food
for different routes I'm not on.

All right,
time to use the potty.

Don't say "potty."
You're an adult.

Okay, nobody move!

Oh, my God, those guys
in first class have guns.

Cleveland, just be happy
with what you have.

Don't envy people.

No, Peter, we're
being hijacked.

Close the cockpit door!

(grunts)
(passengers gasp)

(Eastern European accent):
This plane now belongs to us.

You move, you're dead.

So nobody try to get smart.

Mm, page 100. Mm.

Control tower,
this is flight 364.

We have a hijacking in progress.

Our flight has been...
(static)

Oh, damn it,
they jammed the transmission.

I'm gonna have to go to
the backup communication system.

Hello?
Can you hear me?

This is Flight 364.

We're being hijacked.

I can hear you... Oh!

This is your last chance.

Open the door,
or your copilot gets it.

No. I'm landing
at the closest airfield,

which is less than an hour away.
So just let him go,

'cause you're not
getting control of this plane.

(grunts)

QUAGMIRE:
Aah! Jimmy! Oh, my God!

Why are you doing this?

America needs
to be punished

for supporting the other side
of my country's civil war.

Which country?

Do you really
want to know,

or are you just
asking because

we're gonna be on
a plane for a while

and you think you
should make small talk?

The second thing.

Open the door, or I'll start

executing passengers.
(screaming)

Man, coming on this trip
was a terrible idea.

I know, now I wish
I'd just stayed home

and finished my
remake of Inside Out.

I'm Joy.

I'm Sadness.

I'm Anger.

I'm Disgust.

I'm Poo.

(stomach growling)

Ooh, I need to use the bathroom.

PETER (muffled):
Yay! I win!

♪ ♪

We interrupt this program
with a special report.

A flight from
San Francisco to Quahog

has lost contact
with air traffic control.

Oh, my God,
that's your father's flight.

Government officials

are monitoring
the situation closely.

I'll be here to update you
as this story progresses.

Coming up on the midday news,
a couple in their 30s

gets married without their dog
being in the wedding.

You're not gonna
believe their story.

What's it gonna be?

Are you going to open this door,

or am I going to start
killing people?

QUAGMIRE:
I'm not opening it.

Excuse me, I'd just like to ask
the mom behind me

who told me to stop watching
Game of Thrones on my laptop

if I'm still "the worst person
on this plane."

You, fat guy.
Get up here!

Aah!

(grunts)

Last chance.
Open the door,

or this idiot gets it.

Don't open it, Quagmire.
It's not worth it.

QUAGMIRE:
Okay.

Wait... wait, what?

That-that was quick.

I'm sorry, Peter, but I have
to think about the whole plane.

There's over 150
passengers back there,

several of whom are in
our Commander's Club,

and to them I'd like to
issue a special welcome.

Oh, man, we got
to help Peter!

Those crazy European guys
are gonna kill him!

You know, I have a gun
in the bag I checked.

If we can get to the galley,

we can take the elevator
down to the cargo hold.

Good idea, Joe.

Oh, man, it feels like we're in
one of those hijacking movies.

You're right, it does. There's
even an impatient businessman

who really wants to
reach his destination

so he can conduct
more business.

Can't you see how
important I am?

My shirt is blue, but
the collar is white.

It's the same shirt!

Quick, he's distracted.

♪ ♪

(quietly):
"Get off my plane."

"Get off my plane."

What's that, now?
Hmm?

Nothing.

"Always bet on black."

"Always bet on black."

Did you say something?
I don't think so.

"Double trouble!"
"Double trouble!"

That's it. We found it.

What the hell?!

Hey! Two of the passengers
are missing!

Okay, you guys watch
the main cabin.

I'll go find them.

I'll take this fat guy
as a human shield.

Oh, nice. Last guy
picked for dodgeball,

first guy for human shield.

(indistinct chatter)
Everybody be quiet!

There's another update!

Good afternoon. I'm Tom Tucker.

The search for
a missing airliner continues,

as speculation grows that
the plane has been hijacked.

Oh, this is
all so awful!

What will our lives be like
if our husbands don't make it?

LOIS:
♪ Thank you for being a friend ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Travel down the road
and back again ♪

♪ Your heart is true ♪

♪ You're a pal and a confidant ♪

♪ Thank you for being ♪

♪ A friend... ♪

(song ends)

Oh, my God!
Now I want Dad to die!

Hey, Joe, look at me.

Do I look like Mickey the Mouse?

Get out of people's stuff!

Ah, here's my bag.

(elevator whirring)

Hey! What are you two
doing down here?

Oh, someone's shipping
live lobsters.

Yum.

Prepare to die.

You first!

That's what you think.

(beeping)

Peter! Grab on to something!

Uh-oh. I grabbed my own belt.

(shouting)

(grunting)

(choking)

(grunting)

(shouts)

(shouts)

QUAGMIRE: Attention, passengers,
I know we're being hijacked,

but I would be remiss
if I didn't point out

that we're presently passing
over Yosemite National Park.

Wow! That is
truly awe-inspiring!

It certainly is.

And you know what you don't see
from up here?

Borders.

♪ ♪

(screaming)

Die in hell, Eurotrash!

Hang on, Peter!

Holy crap, that was close.

Joe, how'd you know that lever
would open the landing gear?

Wheels are my
expertise, Peter.

I notice every wheel in
a room as soon as I enter.

Special delivery
from the U.S. of A.!

(click)

Aw, rats.

My bullets
are in my shaving kit.

(screaming)

(grunting)

Get off my pl...
Double trouble!

Sorry.
Come on, man!

(cheering and applause)

Oh, my God, you guys did it!

We're saved!

Yep, we wrapped
this up quicker

than the treaty signing
at Appomattox.

So, if I sign this,
the war is over,

we surrender, and we still
get to be dicks forever?

(chuckling):
Okay, you win.

You can all relax
now, everybody!

We're ten minutes
away from landing

at an airfield
in Nevada.

Looks like you'll make
that business meeting after all.

Great! Thanks for keeping us
in the sky, boys.

(Eastern European accent):
Now reach for it.

You're one
of the hijackers, too?!

Yes. I was in reserve in
case the plan went awry.

And now I can finally get
into the cockpit

and execute our plan:

crashing this plane
into the ultimate symbol

of American materialism,

Las Vegas.

You know, I've lost
a ton in Vegas,

but I never thought
I'd lose my life there.

Did you just think of that?
Yeah, just now.

You know, you are
seriously funny, man.

I know I crap on you
a lot, but sometimes,

when I'm driving, I think
about stuff you say and I laugh.

Thank you, Peter.
No, thank you.

Very good. We are less than
20 minutes from Las Vegas.

Get ready to say good-bye
to your precious Rita Rudner.

Is-is your plan
just to kill Rita Rudner?

No. We're going to crash into
the biggest hotel on the Strip!

Killing Rita Rudner will just be
the custard on the dumpling.

You know, we never
quite nailed down

what region you
guys are from.

(news theme playing)

Good afternoon.
I'm Tom Tucker with the latest

on the hijacking crisis.

As you can see,
I've taken off my blazer

to show the severity
of the situation.

We understand the plane
has been found by satellite.

It's apparently veered off
its flight plan

and is headed for Las Vegas.

The government,
fearing the worst,

is considering shooting it down.

Now here's
an over-the-top news graphic.

(dramatic music playing)
(screaming)

ANNOUNCER:
Nightmare over Vegas.

(explosions)

(slot machine music plays)

Hijack Jackpot.

Oh, look, there's one guy who
slept through this whole thing.

Hey, buddy, wake up.

We're all about to die.

What? What are
you talking about?

Yeah, I thought
I should wake you up.

Nobody wants to die
in their sleep.

Oh, my God! No!
I have a family!

There you go.

Only a few more minutes
until your country pays

for its imperialistic sins.

Us? What about you?!

Like-like, how come
you Eastern European guys

can't be quieter in pornos?

I mean, nobody's ever been like,
"Yeah, yeah, more guy noises."

They ask us to do that
to cover up the sound

of children playing nearby.

Now shut up
and get ready to die.

So, uh, you ever been
to Vegas before?

No.

Well, I think you're gonna...

flip for it!

(shouting)

(grunts)

♪ ♪

Attention, passengers,
the plane...

(groaning, moaning)

Oh, come on! Doesn't anybody
pay attention to the sign?!

That was
some quick thinking, Glenn.

And look! Even that plane with
all the missiles is impressed.

Missiles? That's a
military fighter jet!

He's here to
shoot us down!

Or "she."
What?!

They must think the hijackers
still control the plane!

And our communications
are jammed,

so we can't even tell them
everything's okay!

Don't worry, I'll signal to 'em.

Hey! We knocked out
all the bad guys!

See? We don't need your help!

We kicked their asses
and we have their guns!

I've got a visual
on the terrorists.

They've got a hostage in a blue
shirt with a white collar.

He must be
an important businessman.

COMMANDER:
Copy that. Prepare to engage.

(whirring)

Oh, good, he's movin' away.

No, he isn't. He's getting
in position to fire!

He thinks we're gonna crash
into the Strip!

Everybody in your seats!

♪ ♪

Frank Caliendo does a 5:00 show?

Quagmire, land this plane!

♪ ♪

We've been hit!

Oh, God, this is it!

We're gonna die!

Like hell we are!

We're gonna make it.

♪ ♪

(all three screaming)

(passengers screaming)

We're going too fast!

We're gonna crash
into that lake!

Oh, no, we're not!

♪ ♪

(screaming)

QUAGMIRE: Oh, yeah,
right there. That's good.

And now to discharge
the plane's fire retardant.

PETER/QUAGMIRE/JOE/CLEVELAND:
Giggity.

(whirring)

(indistinct radio transmission)

Wow, Quagmire, thanks for
saving all of our lives.

We're sorry for saying
your job was easy.

Yeah, you're the best
damn pilot in the world.

He's right. What you did
up there was amazing.

Thanks, guys,
that means a lot.

Boy, that was quite a trip,
wasn't it?

Sure was. And we learned
a lot about blue jeans,

didn't we, guys?
Yes, yes, we did, yeah.

That's right, Peter.
Thank you for planning
a wonderful day.

(whirring)

Cleveland!
Joe!

Peter!

♪ ♪

Dad, I was really worried,

so I pulled a record
of your credit card purchases

in San Francisco,
and I saw some things

I think you'd prefer
to keep private.

We'll talk
later, Chris.

I think we will.

I do believe we will.

Well, let's
head home.

I know I, for one, am ready
to put all this behind us.

Sounds good.

Oh, yeah, in case we didn't say,
this was Spirit Airlines.

Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH