Family Guy (1998–…): Season 13, Episode 6 - The 2,000-Year-Old Virgin - full transcript

♪ It seems today that all you see ♪
♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪
♪ But where are those good old-fashioned values ♪
♪ On which we used to rely? ♪
♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
♪ Lucky there's a man who positively can do ♪
♪ All the things that make us ♪
♪ Laugh and cry ♪
♪ He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy! ♪
Oh, I love shopping at Christmastime.
Ugh, mall food courts are so depressing.
You can always tell which fathers are disappointed
in their sons because they eat lunch with their coats still on.
How's that food, dum-dum?
Too bad eating ain't math,
'cause then I'd have something to be proud of.
I want to go live with Mom.
I know. So do I.
Welcome to Tommy Bahama.
Yeah, you got anything for a poor fat person
who wants to look like a rich fat person?
Of course.
Now, I'll mostly be hitting on waitresses
who are too young and thin to ever be interested in me.
Hitting on them in a kindly, genial way?
No, in a threatening, creepy,
I'm-joking-but-I'm-not- really-joking way.
Y-You have anything for that?
Sir, what you're describing is precisely Mr. Bahama's vision.
ANNOUNCER: Tommy Bahama-- five million uncles can't be wrong.
Hey, sorry to bother you, but would you like to work here?
Me? Yeah, you'd be perfect.
All right, now let me just take off these security tags for you.
It's a living.
(Flintstones transition music plays)
So random!
That's a comment on us.
Hey, check that out.
Oh, wow. This is awesome!
You know Jeff Garlin has one of these in his house.
Ah, I love this chair.
Dog in a Jets jersey, get in here!
God, I have the best basement.
Peter, this chair costs $3,000.
That's not so much, Lois.
It's only infinity times what you bring home every week.
Peter, look over there.
Is that... is that Jesus?
Whoa, yeah, wow.
It's been a while since we've seen him.
Hey, Jesus!
Oh, hey, guys.
Hey, buddy. What are you doing in Quahog?
Actually, I never left.
Really? Why didn't you call us?
Well, I felt kind of bad about how we left things.
I wasn't sure you'd want to hear from me.
Oh, that's silly.
We could never stay mad at you.
Yeah, I've never been one to hold grudges.
I even forgave the man who murdered my son.
And although I will never get over the pain
of what you did to my son, I forgive you,
because I believe you are sick and in need of help.
Mr. Griffin, this is the Office of City Planning.
You requested a variance to build a hot tub off your garage.
Oh, yeah. Did I get it?
No.
I will kill your son!
Your son is dead!
I'm so glad there's no hard feelings.
Listen, Peter, we should catch up.
Why don't you come over to my place for a beer or something?
Aw, that sounds great!
Hey, you want me to pick anything up
on the way over or no, you're good?
Oh, uh...
I-I guess we could maybe just order something.
Yeah, I don't have any cash, but we'll figure it out.
Hey, Peter. Come on in.
Mi casa es, uh...
I-I don't know Spanish.
Huh, I think half the world would be surprised to know that.
Hey, nice place here.
This is not too... too...
it's not... it's not too... not too good.
Yeah, I know it's nothing fancy,
but, you know, I'm not really into material possessions.
Geez, this place is depressing.
Hey, how come you aren't with your family
during Christmas, anyway?
I can't deal with my family during the holidays.
And besides, my dad always spends Christmas
at his time-share in Coral Gables with his girlfriend.
Great, here comes that couple with the adult disabled kid.
Hey, can we join you?
I-I'm Ken, this is Pam, and this right here is Scott.
We really want to thank you, God, for testing us.
It's been such a blessing.
Can't wait to see what that "bigger plan" is.
Well, I can't tell you that.
But the good news is,
this little guy's gonna make it to 74.
Oh, look, Jesus, you shouldn't be alone during Christmas.
And if I remember correctly,
isn't your birthday sometime soon, too?
Ah, whatever, I'm fine.
I'll probably just reheat some ramen and watch Grey's Anatomy.
No way. I'm not gonna let my pal Jesus
spend his birthday like that.
Hey, you know what?
I am throwing you the best birthday party ever.
Are you sure about that?
Yeah, I'm great at throwing parties.
I was in charge of planning Woodstock.
All right, guys, here's what I'm thinking--
a whole festival of muddy boobs.
Well, don't you want to have music?
Oh, yeah.
That's a good way to get those muddy boobs moving.
All right, you guys, Jesus's birthday party is gonna be epic.
Hey, since it's also Christmas,
maybe we could make it, like, a Christmas theme.
What about Secret Santa?
That's always fun.
Okay, but five dollar limit.
Why don't we just say no gifts?
Come on, guys, we don't have to make such a big thing about it.
It's not like I'm a woman who's about to turn 30.
You guys, I don't care what we do for my birthday,
as long as it lasts the whole week
and is very expensive and inconvenient for all my friends.
Oh, and I'm gonna dress like a slut
and be rude to everyone for no reason.
But, Maya...
I don't care that your dad's dying,
we're all going to Montreal for the week.
Wait, wait, hold on.
If we're planning a party,
we haven't even talked about the most important thing.
A hydration plan for people who overheat?
It could be as simple as an ice bath.
No, no, I'm talking about women.
Oh, yeah, we definitely need some women there.
Jesus, what kind of girls do you like?
Women?
Uh, all types, I guess.
"All types"?
Come on, Jesus.
Even Martin Lawrence when he used to dress up like Shenehneh?
CLEVELAND: (laughs) Shenehneh!
No, you know what I mean.
Uh, like, uh, hot ladies.
Horny ones who sex on you.
What?
Yeah, you know.
They come back to your house and sit on your... butt.
Wait a minute.
Jesus, have you ever been with a woman?
Are you... are you a virgin?
(sighs) Yeah, I am.
How the hell does that happen?
Well, in high school, my best friend was this hot prostitute,
and I just kind of got into the friend zone.
She's all like, "Oh, there's all these guys
having sex with me for money."
And I'm all like, "Oh, you deserve better."
And then I died.
Well, sex is overrated.
Stay out of this, Joe.
All right, look, forget the party.
We got a more important mission now.
Your 2,000-year-long cold streak is about to come to an end.
What do you mean?
I'm saying, Jesus, we are gonna help you lose your virginity.
(squeals)
God, I love sex!
All right, me and the guys are off
to help Jesus lose his virginity.
Just put it in the oven for half an hour at 350.
What? I don't know.
That's what you always say
when you leave the house.
Oh, Peter, just be careful.
Losing your virginity is a big deal.
I'm sure Jesus doesn't want some gross quickie.
No, no, no, it's gonna be nothing like that.
Just some random slut to maul in a bar
back where the payphones used to be.
Peter, that's what I'm talking about.
You're making this whole thing crude.
It's his first time.
You need to be more sensitive.
Don't worry, Lois.
I swear, I'll be sensitive and gentle.
Like the Tasmanian Devil tucking in his kids.
(soothing Tasmanian Devil gibbering)
(gibbering)
All right, Jesus,
these speed date nights are the best way
to meet a lot of chicks fast.
Now go get 'em.
So, where do you live?
Everywhere, all places.
Hopefully, inside you.
(buzzer sounds)
This is kind of embarrassing,
but are you okay with someone who smokes?
Oh, yeah.
A-Are you okay with someone who wanders the desert,
lecturing people on how to act?
(buzzer sounds)
So, are you having a good Friday?
Oh, is that supposed to be funny?
Shut your mouth, bitch.
(buzzer sounds)
How's the wine? It's terrific.
That's my blood, you know.
(buzzer sounds)
Where are you from? Israel.
(buzzer sounds)
All right, Jesus,
nowadays, everything is done on the Internet.
All right? So, we got to get you on Facebook.
Uhp, let me just close a couple of these windows.
There we go.
Sorry, I was up late last night. (chuckles)
Had the house to myself.
Sorry. Sorry.
Lot of POV stuff.
Yeah, I like to pretend it's mine down there
what's doing all the slapping.
Peter, how old is that girl?
Excuse me, won't you?
Arr... lot of scumbags out today.
Well, no luck getting Jesus laid yet.
I don't get it.
Jewish guys are supposed to be swimming in tail.
Peter, Jesus is never gonna find a woman going about it your way.
I think it's time I had a little talk with him
so he knows what a woman really wants.
All right, knock yourself out.
Don't look! Don't look! Don't look!
Jesus, I asked you to lunch
because I think you've been getting bad advice
about finding a special someone.
Well, Peter's been doing his best,
but lately he seems more focused on marketing
his erotic Advent calendar.
All right, kids, let's see what's under Christmas...
Ugh, another puckered anus.
Look, Jesus,
just forget whatever Peter's been telling you.
You just have to be yourself
and let a sweet girl see that side of you.
Well, you're easy to talk to.
I just get all tongue-tied with other girls.
Plus, being myself isn't that impressive.
What do you mean?
You're sensitive,
you died for our sins and ascended into Heaven,
and you got nice skin.
Don't be afraid to be honest with a girl
and show her who you are.
Wow, thanks, Lois.
That's the second best advice anyone's ever given me.
I don't know, man.
Jesus Hitler Christ sounds weird.
So just go with "H"? Yeah.
All right, guys, let's not get discouraged, okay?
We just got to be more creative about getting Jesus laid.
I just tell folks to go down to the Happy Handy Smile Massage
and get it over with.
I sometimes go down there,
and when they tell me I'm done, I leave.
Hey, guys. Uh, Peter,
can I talk to you for a sec? Sure.
Peter, listen.
I've found the woman who I'd like to lose my virginity to.
It's someone who understands me
and someone I feel very close to.
Oh, wow. Jesus, that's great!
Hey, is it Carrie Underwood?
Somebody told me you guys went out once.
Yeah, we did. But it was a disaster.
Jesus, take the wheel.
What?
I want to kill these (bleep) cops!
(siren wailing)
Actually, Peter, I want my first time to be with...
Lois.
Lois, my partner at the law firm?
No, Peter. It's your Lois.
Lois Griffin.
What?! I am outraged!
But probably not as outraged
as the ten million Christians watching.
Please write to this address quickly.
Maybe we can both stop these Hollywood Jew writers
from wrecking my marriage and your religion.
You want to lose your virginity to Lois?!
No way!
Look, Peter, I know it's a lot to ask.
But if it wasn't okay, I wouldn't suggest it.
Well, you make a good point.
But this is my wife you're talking about!
Please, Peter?
I just know Lois would make my first experience
as special and memorable as it should be.
Plus, I can make it worth your while.
After all, I'm Jesus.
I could give you anything you want.
Anything?
Like... like anything in the universe?
Absolutely.
Brookstone massage chair.
Really?
Are-are you sure?
Yup. Never been more sure of anything in my life.
Well, except one thing.
Good evening, sir.
Would you like to hear our specials?
No! Pizza!
Let me get this straight.
You want me to have sex with another man?
Oh, not just any man, Lois.
This is Jesus we're talking about.
He's a savior.
He could even save our marriage.
Why? What's wrong with our marriage?
"What's wrong with our marriage?"
You're sitting around, talking about sleeping with other guys!
Peter, this was your idea!
Lois, let's not play the blame game.
Clearly, there's been a lot of cheating on both sides,
but the point is where do we go from here?
Huh, I don't know.
Sleeping with Jesus just feels wrong.
Doesn't the Bible say not to covet thy neighbor's wife?
Oh, come on, Lois, the Bible's
just a bunch of general guidelines.
None of the commandments are written in stone.
You're really okay with this?
Of course.
Look, there really is no downside to this.
It's one of those things that seems bad, but really is good.
Like that fracking company we let drill in the backyard.
Well, I guess it is kind of an honor
that out of all the people in the world, Jesus chose me.
I mean, he could've had anyone.
Elizabeth Perkins, Patricia Richardson, Katey Sagal...
Yeah! I-I mean, maybe not them, but somebody else.
And-and the Son of God's first time should be special.
Even divine.
Maybe I'd actually be doing a good thing.
You sure about this, Peter?
You bet.
As sure as I was when I created Lady Gaga.
All right, listen, fella, your game is confusion.
Zip! Zam! Zoop!
Nobody gets a straight look at nothing!
Boy, this must be killing you.
You're an atheist,
and the one guy you don't believe in
is getting to bang the woman of your dreams.
You know what? I don't have to sit here and take this.
I'm out of here.
Can-can you let me outside?
(doorbell rings)
Hi, Peter.
Well, hello, young man.
Don't you look nice?
She's almost ready.
♪ There she goes ♪
♪ There she goes again ♪
♪ Pulsing through my veins ♪
♪ And I just can't contain... ♪
I'm sorry, I was just coming down the stairs
at the same time.
Wow, Mom. You look beautiful.
Well, we know he's circumcised,
so she won't have to deal with that nonsense.
Oh, and don't worry about not hitting bottom.
I've only grazed it once and that was with a running start.
Hey, Jerome, give me another Pawtucket Pat.
I'll take it over here on my Brookstone massage chair.
That's a nice chair, Peter.
Hey, do you think if I let Jesus sleep with Bonnie,
he'd give me back the use of my legs?
Joe, I don't speak for Jesus. I just get him trim.
Now to take this thing out for a spin.
(chair vibrating)
(sighs)
(birds squawking)
Ah, time for a relaxing, sponsored daydream.
Oh, Jesus!
Jesus! Jesus!
(screams)
God, I love massage chairs.
Are you in one, too?
Yes, but it's horrible!
It was bought for me by Jesus, but now he's doing my wife!
Oh. I'm just trying mine out in the store.
Guys! I think I might've made a terrible mistake
with this whole Lois and Jesus thing!
I don't blame you, Peter.
I always thought it was sort of a strange choice
to let Jesus have relations with your wife.
I'm sorry, did you say Jesus is sleeping with your wife?
Great, now everybody knows
my wife is taking Jesus's virginity.
Listen, pal, Jesus ain't no virgin.
He did the same thing to me last Christmas.
He what?!
Yeah, Jesus did the same thing
to my wife Christmas before last
and my buddy's wife the year before that.
What the hell?
But he's so lonely.
Nah, he just acts lonely and lies about being a virgin
so he can get with guys' wives.
Did he show you that sad little apartment?
He doesn't really live there.
He just uses it to store art he bought on cruises.
Oh, my God, what have I done?!
Peter, maybe there's still time! Maybe you can stop them!
Where are they?
They're at the Barrington Hotel! Let's go, guys!
I just ordered nachos, but good luck, Peter.
Now for a slippy, no-boots run through the snow to my car.
(gasping)
(screams) Aw, crap!
I just pulled a thousand muscles!
(grunting)
(screams)
(grunting)
Ow! That was a loud crack!
Ah, yeah, that was all bone!
Oh! Aw! Son of a whore!
Oh, this is bad. This is real bad.
I'm not gonna go to the doctor though.
(ignition sputters)
Damn it!
(tires screech)
Get out! I need this car!
What are you, a cop?
No! Jesus is about to have sex with my wife!
Oh, then here! Take it!
Get out! I need this car!
So do I!
Jesus Christ is about to have sex with my wife!
Lenny Kravitz is about to have sex with my daughter!
Oh! Oh, my God!
Here, take the car! Take the car!
Get out of here! What are you doing?!
Go, go, go!
Hey, kid, I need that toboggan!
Jesus Christ is gonna have sex with my wife!
Um, okay.
And I need your little hat.
And those Spider-Man mittens-- I'll need those, too.
And what's in your pockets?
A rabbit's foot, a penknife, a bottle cap, a compass...
All of it, all of it.
(car horn blares)
Aw, crap. I'm out of hill.
You there! Boy!
What does that sign say?
I ain't much for book reading, sir.
But I seen our Lord and Savior bring a lady in there
for a Christmas rodgering, I did.
You're a good boy.
Here's a goose.
(goose honks)
What room is Jesus in?
What room is Lenny Kravitz in?
Aw, you were coming here, too? We could've carpooled.
(elevator bell dings)
Lois! Lois!
You son of a bitch!
What have you done to my marriage?!
Peter?
Lois, don't do this!
I think I had, like, a Christmas miracle.
I realized I don't want other people
humping my wife for a chair.
It's okay, Peter.
Nothing happened.
It didn't?
No, I couldn't sleep with him.
Not that I wasn't tempted.
He put actual strawberries in a glass of champagne,
which was about the classiest, sexiest thing I'd ever seen.
But...
I couldn't go through with it.
Our marriage is too important to me.
I love you, Lois.
I don't know what I was thinking.
But you! You're a liar, Jesus!
Bravo, Peter, Lois.
Seems like you folks learned the lesson I intended.
What lesson?
Oh, you know, uh...
that, uh, this holiest of days is about,
uh, appreciating...
our loved ones and, uh, resisting... temptation.
Oh, so it was a test.
Like when your father told Abraham to sacrifice Isaac?
Yes! That!
That's exactly right!
Uh, well, I can see my work here is done.
Well taught, Jesus. Well taught.
Yeah, I guess. Who cares?
I'm not even real. Merry Christmas.
Well, Lois, I'm sure glad
you didn't have sex with the Messiah.
Me, too, Peter.
Now let's open your presents, kids.
Oh, Rupert, you're such a sneak.
I wonder what it is.
Oh. A Joni Mitchell CD.
"To continue your emotional education."
That's great. (chuckles)
That's really great.
Could you excuse me for just one moment?
♪ I've looked at clouds from both sides now... ♪
Who did he buy the necklace for?
I'm gonna let that teddy bear go all the way.