Family Guy (1998–…): Season 13, Episode 5 - Turkey Guys - full transcript

♪ It seems today that all you see ♪
♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪
♪ But where are those good old-fashioned values ♪
♪ On which we used to rely? ♪
♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
♪ Lucky there's a man who positively can do ♪
♪ All the things that make us ♪
♪ Laugh and cry ♪
♪ He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy! ♪
ANNOUNCER: Live from New York City,
it's the JCPenney Thanksgiving Day Parade.
The JCPenney parade?
Yeah, it's like the Macy's parade,
only without licensed characters.
ANNOUNCER: With the popular balloons we all know and love--
Mickey Rabbit,
Sponge Cow,
and Clifton the Small Blue Dog.
LOIS: Peter, get in here!
You want to tell me what the hell happened
to our Thanksgiving turkey?
Oh, that.
Uh, well, last night, Brian and I
got drunk and ate the turkey.
But before you get mad, we also ate the salad.
Damn it, how could you guys do that?!
Boy, I must have been really drunk.
I don't remember any of that.
No problem.
Instagram remembers for you.
Peter, we've got a houseful of people coming
and they're expecting a turkey.
Well, if they're expecting a turkey,
I'll just put on Evan Almighty for them.
(gleefully): Zap!
You and Brian better get another turkey right now!
And don't bother coming back until you do!
Don't worry, Lois. We will.
Yeah, we'll be back with a turkey
faster than you can say, "Jack Robinson."
Jack Rober...
(slurring)
(slurring): Jack Row...
She had a stroke that killed the part of her brain
that says "Jack Robinson."
We got plenty of time.
All right, Brian, first order of business--
we have to decide who gets to ride in the cart
and who has to push it.
Well, I'm smaller, so...
The decision has been made.
Ooh, now I want that one.
Aw, crap-- looks like they're completely sold out.
Yeah, sorry.
We just sold our last turkey to that guy.
You are the turkey I have chosen to pardon.
Fly free, turkey!
(driver screams)
Oh, Fudgsicles!
Hey, you don't sell turkeys here, do you?
We've been to every grocery store in town with no luck.
No, the only thing we really sell here
are these little packets of weird vitamins
that vaguely suggest they help you in the bedroom.
"Performance and stamina, for men."
I know what that means.
(playing "Stars and Stripes Forever")
Peter, enough. Come to bed.
Uh-uh, Lois.
The packet says I got to play till I'm raw.
(continues playing)
Can't believe every turkey
within a 60-mile radius of Quahog is sold out.
I know. And now we're so far from home,
none of your stations even work.
(channels changing, static hissing)
MALE SPORTS ANNOUNCER: ...from the 15...
FEMALE ANNOUNCER: ...coming up in two minutes...
♪ She thinks I'm beautiful ♪
♪ Meet Virginia... ♪
Is this... Is this fine?
I mean, it's not... it's...
Yeah, it's fine if you think it's fine.
It's not that good of a song, but we know it.
Yeah, okay. Sure.
♪ She never compromises... ♪
Brian, I love Train.
I (bleep) love Train.
Chris, are Brian and your father back yet?
No. And why are you saying the dog's name before Dad's?
It's weird. That is weird, you're right.
Well, they better get here soon.
I can't host this Thanksgiving dinner on my own.
Hear that? This thing's all on you.
What? What are you talking about?
Well, the fat man's never going to get back in time,
and with him gone, that makes you the man of the house.
I sentence you to death!
Chris, Chris, slow down.
I'm just saying, without Peter here,
you're going to have to be the host of Thanksgiving.
You have to do everything the fat man normally would.
You mean, like, fall asleep on the toilet
and have a big red ring on my bum for a week?
No, no, no-- greeting guests as they arrive.
Facilitating small talk.
And, of course, giving the Thanksgiving toast.
Boy, yesterday I'm microwaving a cat,
today I'm giving a speech.
Things move fast around here.
Hi, do you have any turkeys?
Sure do. You're looking at one.
(laughs): I'm sorry.
You have to know me to know I'm just joking.
Sir, the day we've had,
we could use a good chuckle like that.
You folks are in luck.
Looks like we have one turkey left.
Oh, thank God.
Oh, you're telling me.
We didn't come back with a turkey,
Lois would be madder than that time she got a Capp smear.
All right, we're just going to take a quick Capp smear.
Don't you mean pap smear?
No, at this hospital we obtain the sample
using beloved British comic strip roustabout Andy Capp.
'Ello, luv.
Let's have a smear.
I'm not letting you do that.
You can't even see.
That's all right, bird. I goes by smell.
Brian, look, an eight-foot basket.
Let me just dunk the turkey once.
I know I can jam it.
(grunts)
That's not a regulation rim.
Okay, you know what? I'm in charge of the turkey.
You're driving.
This thing on?
Yes.
It's not making any noise.
It's a hybrid. Trust me, it's on.
No, it's not. See?
(whirring)
(both screaming)
(gasping)
Oh, my God!
(Brian grunting)
(gasping)
Not now! Not like this!
(gasping, coughing)
Peter, what the hell?!
You chose a turkey over me?!
I almost died!
I swear to God, I thought dogs could breathe underwater.
Great. The water completely killed my phone.
Oh, horrors.
You have to spend time with me
without looking at your phone.
Here, give me yours.
I threw mine at a duck.
Excuse me, can you help us?
We're trying to get back to Quahog.
If you want, I can take you as far as the bus station.
You can? Oh, thank you so much!
Oh, that is the nicest thing anyone's done for me
since my kids gave me that Father's Day gift.
Oh, look, a tie. Perfect.
It's from all of us!
All right, Chris, acting as host
will demand a higher level of conversation.
I suggest as your opener--
"Lois, everything is delicious."
Then that's what I will say.
Unless Slender Man commands me
to say something else.
Ugh, this is gonna be a bigger disaster than Y2-Gay.
ALL: Three! Two! One!
I hope my dad's not watching ABC!
Oh, thank God we got on this bus.
I really had to poop.
Wait, where is there a bathroom on this bus?
I didn't say there was a bathroom,
I just said I had to poop.
MAN: Oh, my God!
This is gross even for a bus!
(grunting)
I don't know what they were so mad about,
I did it in a Rite Aid bag.
Damn it, Peter! That was our only way home!
Well, that's where you're wrong, Brian.
Free bus bike!
Aw, crap, this is a girl's bike.
All right, we'll ride it,
but pray to God nobody from school sees us.
Nice bike, butt-munch!
Shut up! I'm telling Miss Baumbakis!
ANNOUNCER: Up next on Nickelodeon,
Uncomfortably Hot Eighteen-Year-Old Girls.
Honey, where are you off to?
To the car wash
to raise money for our new soccer uniforms.
Okay, have fun.
ANNOUNCER: Nickelodeon-- casually ask your daughter
what that girl's name is,
then take your laptop into the bathroom.
(knocking on door)
Uh, Mom! Daddy! You're right on time!
Happy Thanksgiving, dear!
We brought some wine,
but it's good wine so it's just or us.
Damn it. Where the hell are they with that turkey?
BRIAN (recorded): Hi, you've reached Brian Griffin
of The Write Stuff writing classes...
Oh, God.
Come on, keep pedaling.
Dinner starts in an hour.
(fabric ripping)
Oh! Ow!
Damn it, Peter!
Oh, great.
You broke the chain and now we have to walk!
Unless we hitchhike.
Hitchhike? You know how dangerous that is?
Besides, we're in the middle of nowhere.
There aren't even any cars around.
There's one.
Hey! Hey, stop! Give us a ride!
It's just me and my upright dog.
We're obviously not weirdoes!
See, Brian? Told ya.
We're going to be home in no time.
Hi there, folks.
Hand over the turkey. What?!
I can't go back to my wife without a turkey!
Oh, yeah?
Bet that thing's not even loaded.
You just used your last bullet.
Running on empty now.
Brian, give him the turkey.
(engine revs, tires screech)
(football sports broadcast playing on TV)
Okay, buddy, you ready to test out those hosting skills?
Now go wow your guests with conversation.
Hi, Grandma.
I got some down-there hair now-- want to see?
Uh, I-I...
I should check if your mother needs help in the kitchen.
Sometimes I pluck them because I deserve pain.
Cut! No. Stop.
I'm sorry! I panicked!
It's all right. It's okay. Don't worry, Chris.
You can't always get things right on the first try.
Just look at Snoopy's original happy dance.
(light jazz playing)
Hey, you having a good time tonight?
(aggressive grunting)
Oh, yeah.
Can't believe we got robbed.
Yeah, but can we just talk for a second
about how brave I was when we walked past that cemetery?
Peter, do you not see that we are completely screwed here?
And it's all thanks to you!
You drove my car into a lake, you almost let me drown,
you got us thrown off a bus, you broke our bike,
and now you've gotten our turkey stolen
and Thanksgiving is ruined
and we don't have any transportation
and we're still miles from home!
You're starting to get black gums like an older dog.
You know what? You know what? Maybe it's my fault.
I forgot, I'm talking to a complete idiot.
You are so stupid!
Oh, yeah?
Well, if I'm so stupid,
then how did I manage to frame you for eating the turkey?
What?! Yeah!
Didn't you notice you were passed out in all those photos?
You didn't eat any of it.
I just posed you like that
because I didn't want to take all the blame.
You son of a bitch! How could you do that to me?
You're a dog, Brian.
I can throw you off a bridge,
and as long as I don't hit a person on a boat, it's okay.
Screw this. I am done!
This isn't even my problem, it's your problem.
You know what, Peter?
You've got no turkey, and now you've got no friend.
Good-bye!
W-Wait-- Brian, wait!
♪ Now let's watch a whole bunch of ads. ♪
Nice Thanksgiving.
I don't know why I ever listen to that jerk.
What?
Home is this way; we're both just walking home.
Leave me alone!
No way. We're a team, Brian, whether you like it or not.
Just like almond butter
and no sugar added fruit preserves.
Who's hungry?
BOTH: We are!
NARRATOR: Hey, kids, would you like a terrible healthy sandwich?
BOTH: No.
Too bad, because your recently divorced mom
has a crush on her trainer, and he eats like this,
so now you have to, too.
Almond butter and no sugar added fruit preserves--
just like PB and J,
but with more of your mom railing this guy.
I named myself Kaya!
We stopped being a team
when you framed me for eating that turkey with you.
Brian, maybe you should be a little less mad at me
and a little more mad at the guys
growing mustaches for this month.
Hey, don't mock Mo-vember.
Last year, I raised eight dollars
and got on a BuzzFeed listicle.
No! You use real words!
Internet stuff is not real words.
Hey, look!
There's our answer.
We break into the zoo, steal a turkey,
bring it home, we're heroes.
Peter, stop it!
You're gonna get yourself hurt.
Sorry, can't hear you.
Too busy saving our family's Thanksgiving.
(sighs) Damn it.
This is idiotic.
You're never gonna find a turkey in there.
Oh, I'll find one.
I mean, you're looking at the guy
who found the Fountain of Youth.
It's very far away from here!
Hey, Lois, thanks for letting Kevin
bring his girlfriend this year.
And I hope it's not awkward that she's a little person
and they viciously fight all the time.
Why do we have to spend every holiday with your family?
Shut up! I'm a full-size person!
I make the decisions!
Don't you worry. This'll quickly turn
into rough, front-yard, makeup sex.
All this fighting is making me so damn hot.
Oh, my God.
It looks like he's chalking a pool cue.
Hey, scoot over.
As the oldest guy here,
it's my duty to take an open mouth nap
in the middle of the room.
(snoring)
(grunts, groans)
(snoring resumes)
God, look at my mom.
Dinner should've been served half an hour ago.
She's clearly stalling for time.
Okay, everybody.
Dinner's gonna be ready very soon.
(grunting) Uh, what?
Um, oh, good. (grunts)
But before we get started,
I thought we could all take turns telling a long story
about how things aren't the way they used to be.
Daddy, would you care to start?
You bet I would.
Too much candy!
Too much candy?
What do you mean, too much candy?
There's too much candy!
There used to be four candies.
Bulls-eyes, Yahoos, Sweet Yarn and cigarettes.
Now I go into a store,
I don't know whether I'm coming or going!
Is there anything else?
Why don't ballplayers wear giant woolen shirts anymore?
What's wrong with wool?
It was a perfect fabric.
You go to the ballpark, get your bag of Bulls-eyes
and watch Hack Wilson round the bases in a big wool shirt.
I once saw Hack hit a ball out of the infield.
I still remember the thud of the bat
and the whoosh of the wool.
(sighs) I wish things were still heavy.
Oh, the rails are off this thing.
All right, Chris, this is where you, as host,
need to step in and...
Chris? Chris?
What the hell? Are you drunk?
I couldn't handle the pressure, Stewie.
We Irish, we have a deep sadness.
Oh, come on, get up! They need you down there.
(slurring): ♪ Too-ra-loo-ra-loo-ral. ♪
Ugh.
(turkey gobbling)
All right, there they are.
I'm going in and getting us a turkey, Brian.
Hey, buddy, you want to come to my house
so my wife can cook you wrong?
Ah, damn it!
(turkey gobbling)
Peter, this is never gonna work.
All right, just leave the turkey alone.
The poor thing is... Aah! Aah!
What the hell?! Knock it off!
Ow! Damn it, I'm gonna kill you, you dick!
Quick, Brian, it's getting away!
(turkey gobbling)
Where'd he go?
(chimps screeching)
He's not in here.
Over there!
(grunting)
Oh, crap.
(lions growling) Easy there.
Hey, it's Thanksgiving.
Shouldn't you be in Detroit
losing a football game right now?
(roaring)
(growling)
PETER: Brian, up here!
(roaring, growling)
Oh, my God.
Thank you, Peter. Thank you so much!
Hey, you're welcome, buddy.
You...
You saved my life.
Of course I did.
You're my best friend.
Hey, listen, I'm-I'm...
I'm sorry I messed everything up today.
(sighs) It's okay.
I guess I've been kind of a jerk, too.
I'm sorry I yelled at you.
Ah, I deserved it.
I mean, for God's sake, I sank your car in a lake.
And I broke this guy's neck just now.
Yeesh.
But, hey, we cut the legs off him and dye him brown,
we got ourselves a turkey, right?
No. We've come this far.
Let's do it right.
Hey, you got a tiny head and a big body.
What if I switched that?
Gotcha!
All right, we did it!
We got ourselves a turkey.
Yeah, but what time is it?
I mean, dinner has to have started by now.
We're never gonna make it home on foot.
Maybe we don't have to.
We're now arriving in Quahog.
Up on the right are the people with the awesome trampoline,
but they don't let me on it no more,
'cause I bounced a kid onto the house.
There were no squeezable condiments.
Ketchup came in a can.
And, Daddy, what about the pants that kids today are wearing?
Are they properly sized?
Are we gonna eat soon?
I have an interesting factoid
about what makes you sleepy afterwards.
Yeah, the hell with this. I'm starving.
Okay, I guess we should eat.
Well, obviously Peter's not here.
So it's fallen to me to take up the mantle.
Now, I wasn't planning on doing this today,
but when I look around at all of these open, loving faces
or friends and family,
I'm comfortable enough to finally say
that I am a proud, unashamed, active...
Lois, we're home and Thanksgiving is saved!
Kidding!
Oh, my God, where the hell have you been?
And what are you doing with a live turkey?!
A live turkey who loves Rollerblading.
Our dog drew that.
Peter, we can't eat a live turkey.
Look, Lois, I still got time to make this right.
And I'm gonna.
Hand me a nine iron and show me to the backyard.
Well, buddy, I guess this is it.
Aah! Aah!
Wow, I-I...
I read that look wrong.
Ah, geez, I'm sorry.
I wish you didn't have to die,
but a bunch of white people put on sweaters.
I couldn't do it. What?
I'm sorry, Lois.
I know you wanted the perfect Thanksgiving,
and I know I screwed that all up for you,
but when you think about it,
isn't this holiday about being with people you love?
I mean, does it really matter what we eat?
What matters is we're all together.
Family and friends.
And one new friend.
Oh, Peter, that's beautiful.
Lois, can the turkey please join us for dinner?
Not as the meal, but as our guest?
Of course he can.
Happy Thanksgiving, everyone.
(gunshot)
(slurring): The man of the house
killed a turkey for Thanksgiving!
Well, looks like we're having turkey after all.
(everyone laughing)
PETER: Four years later, me and Lois divorced and Stewie died.
Gobble, gobble!