Family Guy (1998–…): Season 12, Episode 21 - Chap Stewie - full transcript
Stewie tries to erase himself from history when Peter and Chris constantly interrupt his TV time, only to end up as the baby of a British family.
♪ It seems today
that all you see ♪
♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ♪
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪
♪ On which we used to rely? ♪
♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
♪ Lucky there's a man who
positively can do ♪
♪ All the things that make us ♪
♪ Laugh and cry ♪
♪ He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy! ♪
♪ Family Guy 12x22 ♪
Chap Stewie
Original Air Date on May 18, 2014
We now return to Jeremy Piven
as The Incredible Hulk.
You wouldn't like me
when I'm angry.
I don't like you now.
Brian, I need the TV.
Why is Rupert
wearing a top hat?
Because, Brian,
tonight we sup on
the finest feast of
the television season.
It is the
season finale
of The Cadwalliders
of Essex.
The what?
The Cadwalliders of Essex.
It's groundbreaking.
It's a British show
about a wealthy family
dealing with
slight change.
Oh, I thought
that got cancelled.
No, that was The Caduggans
of Aubrey Muse.
Is that the one where even
the children have muttonchops?
No, that's The Whittakers
of Edgerton Crescent.
All these shows
sound the same.
Who's in this one?
Penelope
Westworth-Harrington.
Who's that?
Penelope Westworth-Harrington?
Oh, come on!
From The Roysters of
Pumbridge on Thames?
Her uncle was steward
to the Queen's Privy!
She got plowed on a pile
of hay in Game of Thrones.
Oh, yeah. Yeah.
She's hot.
Ugh, you're an idiot.
Like a guy who cheats
on his right hand
with his left hand.
I want to stay,
but I just got called
back into the office.
What do you want from me?
I'm sorry, all right?
Just get off my back!
I'm out of here.
God, it took me forever
to get awa...
Oh, my God!
No!
What have you done?!
Wait! Stop!
No, please!
I'm begging you!
Oh, it's starting!
I'm gonna live-tweet the show
and ruin it for everyone
in other time zones.
I would like to learn
to bathe myself.
Everything I've ever
heard is vexing.
Oh! Oh!
This is the fastest-moving
episode I've ever seen!
Wouldn't it be marvelous
to be a part of
a family like that?
Ah-ha, I found
that chick in the hay.
Unga bunga, unga bunga,
unga bunga.
What is that?
What's happening?
Unga bunga, unga bunga,
unga bunga.
Peter, what are you doing?
Playing Unga Bunga.
It's the championship.
Go away!
This is why Zillow estimates
our house at $4.00.
What the hell is Unga Bunga?
Two guys run
at each other
with mattresses,
and, um...
th-that's kind of it.
Stop explaining it to the dog!
Let's do this!
Stop it!
I'm trying to watch my program!
Whoa, Chris, look!
Mom's naked!
Where?
You creep.
No!
Peter, what's going on in...
Unga Bunga!
You... you imbeciles!
You ruined my night!
I ask for one thing
in this house!
Stewie, just watch
your show upstairs.
I don't want to watch it
upstairs on the small TV!
I want to watch it
downstairs on the big TV!
I want to watch -y show!
Oh, no, Stewie's
having a tantrum.
Come here, sweetie.
Ow!
Screw you, you little turd!
What's all that noise?
Aw, do you want a hug
from your big sister?
Ow!
You've earned yourself
a time-out, young man.
Now, you stay in here
until you can behave.
I hate you!
You always ruin everything!
God, it's a family of idiots!
I wish...
I wish I was never born!
Not tonight, Rupert.
I'm much too upset.
Knock, knock.
Stewie?
Hey, I just
wanted to check
on how you're
doing, buddy.
You put on quite
a show last night.
I am done with this family.
They don't deserve me.
They're all just...
Oh, you dick,
you just came in
to charge your phone.
Sorry, Peter's using
all the outlets.
Toast house.
Whatever. I'm gonna be
out of this place soon anyway.
What, are you
running away from home?
Better.
What the hell?
You rebuilt
your time machine?
I thought you
swore off time travel,
'cause you couldn't stop
yourself from altering the past.
Look, Brian,
I need this machine
to alter the past
for the better.
What do you mean?
I loathe this family.
Being born into it was clearly
some sort of cosmic mistake,
so I'm going back in time
to prevent that mistake.
I'm going to break up Lois
and the fat man
before they can conceive me.
Stewie, it one TV show.
You're overreacting.
It's not just the
TV show, Brian.
I'm tired of
living with morons.
Remember when I tried to open
that lemonade stand with Chris?
All right,
that'll be ten cents.
Chris, pour the man
his lemonade.
I can't!
The lemonade tricked me
and got away!
Lemons are God's children!
And the fat man
won't even let me
celebrate a
proper birthday.
Happy birthday, Stewie!
And here's your
equal-attention cake, Peter.
Yay!
Oh, come on!
Yay! Double wishes!
One...
...two.
And Meg's the
biggest pig of all.
Great.
The string broke again.
Hey, there, tiny hands.
Look, Stewie, I know
you're angry about last night,
but you're talking about
erasing your existence.
That's crazy.
Whose ringtone
is "Barracuda"?
Oh, God,
that's Frumpy Ann.
Frumpy Ann
does everything.
Look, I-I got to
get this call,
but don't do
anything stupid.
Yo, girl,
how you livin'?
Ugh.
All right, Rupert,
prepare to time travel.
Oh, and by the way,
thanks for asking me
if I wanted something
from Subway, too.
Where am I?
This looks like my room,
but something's off.
Oh, that's right,
this isn't my room yet.
Wonder what
they're using it for.
Oh, my God, he had
a public access show?
Live from the shores
of Rhode Island,
it's the fatty
who drives you batty!
Peter Griffin!
Hey, hey, hey, douche bags!
We got a great show
for you tonight.
Karen Washington from
the Rhode Island Zoo
and some rejected toys
you're not gonna believe.
So stick around, or...
I'll come to your house
and murder you!
I wonder what else is different.
♪ Lucky there's a man who ♪
♪ Positively can do ♪
♪ All the things that make us ♪
♪ La la la... ♪
She is camel toe-ing
the hell out of that leotard.
All right, Rupert, time to
break up Lois and the fat man
before they can conceive me
by pressing butts together.
Well, you don't know, either!
Hey, Lois, I drawed
you a picture.
It's me and you
on the space moon,
'cause I would
love you anywhere.
Oh, Peter.
I'd love you anywhere, too.
Wow, Peter and Lois
were really in love
before I was born.
And this is me getting
you from behind,
'cause in space no one
can hear you scream.
Oh, Peter!
Breaking them up may prove to be
more difficult than I thought.
Though I've faced
bigger challenges before.
Like when I had to ride
that bike in The Muppet Movie.
That's right.
Stewie Long Legs
just blew your mind.
All right, Rupert,
now to break up my parents.
The number one thing
couples fight about is money.
So I've maxed out
Lois's credit card
on vibrating marital aids.
Peter, there's an open box
in the kitchen
addressed to me
with nothing inside.
Uh, yeah, when I
opened it up, it was empty.
Well, that's
very strange,
because it looked large
enough to hold many items.
It's the mailman!
I'll get it!
No! Me!
I'll get it!
Huh. Maybe I had more in common
with this family than I thought.
Oh, my God, Peter!
What happened
to your hair?
I don't know. I...
I'm bald!
You did this!
What the hell's
the matter with you?!
I didn't do it, but...
but you look really cool.
I do?
Yeah, you look like you
could be a celebrity.
Hey, can I get
your autograph?
Oh, of course,
here you go.
They think
I'm Bruce Willis.
That was the monster
from Goonies!
None of my attempts
to break them up
has worked thus far,
so I had to up our game.
Lois, what the hell did you do?!
I just got a note from Goodwill
thanking me for
donating all my porn.
What?!
I'm sick and tired
of you blaming me
for things I didn't do!
And I've got a bone
to pick with you!
I don't appreciate
how you spray-painted
"vile woman"
on the bedroom wall.
That wasn't me!
Must've been
one of the kids!
That's ridiculous,
Peter!
Chris can't write,
and we don't allow
Meg upstairs!
Well, you know something,
I'm starting to think
whoever wrote
that is right!
Well, maybe I don't want
to live with someone
who doesn't respect me!
Well, then maybe
I should just leave!
And where are you gonna go?
You got nothing else
and nobody else!
And now for the closer.
I might go west.
My God, I've done it, Rupert!
They've broken up!
Look!
It's working.
I'm fading away!
Well, Rupert, this means
you and I will never have met.
So I've got
to tell you one thing:
you know that song I wrote you
for Valentine's Day?
It's an Eric Carmen song.
I completely ripped it off.
Ah. Ah, now I feel better.
Wha...
What the devil?
What's going on?
Where am I?
It's a boy!
I'm in a hospital.
My soul must have
found another carrier.
I've been reborn!
Welcome to the world, baby chap.
I'm British?
All right!
Ooh, I wonder if
I'll have one of those
pug-nosed British dogs
that licks its own snot all day.
Ew, that's gross.
Piss off, you little wanker.
I'm not gonna be the dog
to some poof baby.
Well, lad,
welcome to your home.
Well, this is more like it.
This is your valet,
your gardener,
your cook, your gamekeeper,
your butler, your housekeeper,
your parlor maid,
your housemaid,
your scullery maid,
your shoe de-graveler
and one superfluous employee
who I am not in a gay
relationship with.
Sir, we have a meeting
in the broom shed.
Quite right.
I will now hand you
over to your mother.
This will be our
last physical contact
until I give you
a firm handshake
on your 18th birthday.
My God, this is everything
I've ever wanted.
And let's be honest, if I had
stayed with the Griffins,
I would have ended up like
Rick Springfield today.
♪ I wish that
I had Jesse's job. ♪
Sir, it's 6:00 p.m.
and you're still in
your 5:45 tuxedo.
Nigel, yesterday
I saw you smile.
Is that something I need
to bring up with my father?
I was just imagining
my own death, sir.
You're a good man, Nigel.
May I pull on
your nose hair?
Of course, sir.
My heavens, my father
is the Commander
of the Most Excellent Order
of the British Empire,
Dean of Physics at Oxford,
and he was pre-approved for
a Capital One No-Hassle Card.
Oh, okay, so he's just
framing everything.
Stewart, these are
your brothers, Jaden and Aidan.
Jaden was first form
in his sixth levels
and he's chief scrum-flanker
on his varsity boogling team,
which, as far as we know,
makes us terribly proud.
Finally, siblings
who are doing stuff.
I'm really happy
to meet you guys.
You were an accident.
You're only here because
Father is a heavy sleeper
with a frequent
morning stem.
Okay. Aidan's the ball-breaker,
huh, Jaden?
Father, is "it" going
to live here for a while?
Oh, Aidan is the nice one.
Well, if it's verbal jousting
skills you're looking for,
I'm not afraid to take a little
walk on the Oscar Wilde side.
You are a poopy head.
And you... shut up.
Stewart, I think
your mouth is better
at taking things in
than spewing them out.
Wow, these guys are a little
sharper than my old family.
I still remember
our Duck Duck Goose disaster.
Duck.
Duck.
Duck.
Duck.
Duck. Duck.
Duck.
Duck. Duck.
Duck.
Duck.
Duck. Duck.
Duck.
Duck.
Duck.
What is that other word?
There we are.
Sorry I couldn't squeeze
no more juice outta me nippers.
Oh, that's all right.
I can't be mad at someone who
lost seven sons in the war.
All right, my little lord,
it's time for bed.
Why isn't Mommy
tucking me in?
Oh, hush, love,
you're born now.
That's the end of all
this "Mommy" nonsense.
What the hell?
I don't even get
a stuffed animal to hug?
The only thing in this crib
is a 19th-century
dueling pistol.
It's loaded?!
Who dares to
shoot the bow tie off my cat?
We duel at dawn!
I'm just a baby!
So am I!
Good Lord, what have I done?
I don't like it here at all!
I miss my family!
My dumb family!
Dear God.
I wanted to be free
of the family of morons
I was born into,
but now I'm the moron!
Sir, I heard
whimpering.
Shall I fetch
your crying tuxedo?
No! I don't want
any more tuxedos!
And I don't want a cold mother
or an Oxford physics
professor father.
Wait a minute! That's it!
The Oxford physics lab will have
everything I need
to build a time machine.
Then I can go
back to my old life!
Ah, ah!
Stone floor, too cold.
I'll go in the morning.
Let's see, I need plutonium
for the time machine.
But how do I get
past those guards?
Oh, wait, that's right.
I'm in England.
I can just walk past them
holding a cup of tea.
Morning.
Morning.
Morning.
Morning.
Morning.
Morning.
Morning.
Morning.
Did you see something
suspicious about that baby?
Well, I did at first,
but then he's got the tea
vouching for him, doesn't he?
Almost there.
Just a few more adjustments.
Stewart!
What are you doing?
All right, Rupert,
I left the fat man's
entire porn collection
on the curb
for Goodwill to pick up.
Who the devil are you?
I'm British Stewie.
I don't hear
anything different.
I sound the same,
but I spell some words
very differently.
Let me write
the word "color"
on a piece of
paper for you.
Dear God! You are British!
Listen to me.
You successfully prevented
your own birth,
and instead you were born
into an alternate family.
But you must believe me,
the Griffins are
your true destiny.
No, they're not. They're morons.
But they're your morons,
and they care about you.
Besides, you shine
among these dullards.
Like Bob Weir in
The Grateful Dead.
That joke's for
one of our crew guys, Matty.
He loves The Dead and he's,
uh... he's not doing so well.
We love ya, Captain Trips.
Hang in, bro.
Well, I do like being
better than everyone else.
Peter, I had
nothing to do
with donating
your stupid porn!
If what you're
telling me is true,
we can't let
them separate.
If Peter leaves,
I'll be unborn!
Well, she's not
gonna stop him.
She's furious.
You're right!
And if I know her,
she'll be heading
to the fridge
for her angry
afternoon Chardonnay.
I've got an idea!
Okay, there it is.
Noon.
Oh, no! He's leaving!
I'm... I'm fading away!
Peter, wait!
What? You want to yell
at me some more?
No, I want to
tell you I'm sorry.
I... I don't want
you to leave.
Why should I stay if
you don't even trust me?
I do trust you, Peter.
I don't know what's
gotten into us lately.
The important thing is,
we're meant to be together.
I love you, Peter.
Aw, I love you, too, Lois.
I'm glad we're
staying together.
Honestly, I-I don't know
what I would do on my own.
Like, I literally have no
idea where food comes from.
I-Is it that guy?
Is he the food man?
No, Peter, it's not him.
They're making up!
It's working!
That means soon
you will not exist.
Then I guess this
is good-bye, Stewie.
I'll miss you.
You've taught
me so much.
And you've been
a good friend.
And you as well.
Ah! Damn it!
Help me, Stewie!
Lift it off!
Eh, that looks
really heavy.
It is! And it's
incredibly painful!
Please, help!
You know,
you'll be fading away
any moment, you know?
It'd be a lot of effort
ultimately for nothing.
I'm choking on
my own blood!
Call someone! Please!
Well, again,
it was great knowing you.
Ah! You bastard!
You'll burn in hell...
Ugh, finally.
That was an ordeal.
I... I did it!
I'm back.
Aw, damn it.
I left my ChapStick in the past.
ChapStick!
With smooth lips,
I will finally be able
to be a mayor who kisses babies
with confidence!
Hey, cracked lips!
You'll see!
You'll all see!
Ooh, scrambled eggs!
How delightful.
Thank you, Lois.
Well, you're certainly
in a better mood
since last
night's tantrum.
You know, Brian, I've realized
this is where I belong.
For better or worse,
I'm a Griffin.
Coward!
I have found you!
Ah!
Well, it took
three years,
but I am finally
through all that porn.
that all you see ♪
♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ♪
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪
♪ On which we used to rely? ♪
♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
♪ Lucky there's a man who
positively can do ♪
♪ All the things that make us ♪
♪ Laugh and cry ♪
♪ He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy! ♪
♪ Family Guy 12x22 ♪
Chap Stewie
Original Air Date on May 18, 2014
We now return to Jeremy Piven
as The Incredible Hulk.
You wouldn't like me
when I'm angry.
I don't like you now.
Brian, I need the TV.
Why is Rupert
wearing a top hat?
Because, Brian,
tonight we sup on
the finest feast of
the television season.
It is the
season finale
of The Cadwalliders
of Essex.
The what?
The Cadwalliders of Essex.
It's groundbreaking.
It's a British show
about a wealthy family
dealing with
slight change.
Oh, I thought
that got cancelled.
No, that was The Caduggans
of Aubrey Muse.
Is that the one where even
the children have muttonchops?
No, that's The Whittakers
of Edgerton Crescent.
All these shows
sound the same.
Who's in this one?
Penelope
Westworth-Harrington.
Who's that?
Penelope Westworth-Harrington?
Oh, come on!
From The Roysters of
Pumbridge on Thames?
Her uncle was steward
to the Queen's Privy!
She got plowed on a pile
of hay in Game of Thrones.
Oh, yeah. Yeah.
She's hot.
Ugh, you're an idiot.
Like a guy who cheats
on his right hand
with his left hand.
I want to stay,
but I just got called
back into the office.
What do you want from me?
I'm sorry, all right?
Just get off my back!
I'm out of here.
God, it took me forever
to get awa...
Oh, my God!
No!
What have you done?!
Wait! Stop!
No, please!
I'm begging you!
Oh, it's starting!
I'm gonna live-tweet the show
and ruin it for everyone
in other time zones.
I would like to learn
to bathe myself.
Everything I've ever
heard is vexing.
Oh! Oh!
This is the fastest-moving
episode I've ever seen!
Wouldn't it be marvelous
to be a part of
a family like that?
Ah-ha, I found
that chick in the hay.
Unga bunga, unga bunga,
unga bunga.
What is that?
What's happening?
Unga bunga, unga bunga,
unga bunga.
Peter, what are you doing?
Playing Unga Bunga.
It's the championship.
Go away!
This is why Zillow estimates
our house at $4.00.
What the hell is Unga Bunga?
Two guys run
at each other
with mattresses,
and, um...
th-that's kind of it.
Stop explaining it to the dog!
Let's do this!
Stop it!
I'm trying to watch my program!
Whoa, Chris, look!
Mom's naked!
Where?
You creep.
No!
Peter, what's going on in...
Unga Bunga!
You... you imbeciles!
You ruined my night!
I ask for one thing
in this house!
Stewie, just watch
your show upstairs.
I don't want to watch it
upstairs on the small TV!
I want to watch it
downstairs on the big TV!
I want to watch -y show!
Oh, no, Stewie's
having a tantrum.
Come here, sweetie.
Ow!
Screw you, you little turd!
What's all that noise?
Aw, do you want a hug
from your big sister?
Ow!
You've earned yourself
a time-out, young man.
Now, you stay in here
until you can behave.
I hate you!
You always ruin everything!
God, it's a family of idiots!
I wish...
I wish I was never born!
Not tonight, Rupert.
I'm much too upset.
Knock, knock.
Stewie?
Hey, I just
wanted to check
on how you're
doing, buddy.
You put on quite
a show last night.
I am done with this family.
They don't deserve me.
They're all just...
Oh, you dick,
you just came in
to charge your phone.
Sorry, Peter's using
all the outlets.
Toast house.
Whatever. I'm gonna be
out of this place soon anyway.
What, are you
running away from home?
Better.
What the hell?
You rebuilt
your time machine?
I thought you
swore off time travel,
'cause you couldn't stop
yourself from altering the past.
Look, Brian,
I need this machine
to alter the past
for the better.
What do you mean?
I loathe this family.
Being born into it was clearly
some sort of cosmic mistake,
so I'm going back in time
to prevent that mistake.
I'm going to break up Lois
and the fat man
before they can conceive me.
Stewie, it one TV show.
You're overreacting.
It's not just the
TV show, Brian.
I'm tired of
living with morons.
Remember when I tried to open
that lemonade stand with Chris?
All right,
that'll be ten cents.
Chris, pour the man
his lemonade.
I can't!
The lemonade tricked me
and got away!
Lemons are God's children!
And the fat man
won't even let me
celebrate a
proper birthday.
Happy birthday, Stewie!
And here's your
equal-attention cake, Peter.
Yay!
Oh, come on!
Yay! Double wishes!
One...
...two.
And Meg's the
biggest pig of all.
Great.
The string broke again.
Hey, there, tiny hands.
Look, Stewie, I know
you're angry about last night,
but you're talking about
erasing your existence.
That's crazy.
Whose ringtone
is "Barracuda"?
Oh, God,
that's Frumpy Ann.
Frumpy Ann
does everything.
Look, I-I got to
get this call,
but don't do
anything stupid.
Yo, girl,
how you livin'?
Ugh.
All right, Rupert,
prepare to time travel.
Oh, and by the way,
thanks for asking me
if I wanted something
from Subway, too.
Where am I?
This looks like my room,
but something's off.
Oh, that's right,
this isn't my room yet.
Wonder what
they're using it for.
Oh, my God, he had
a public access show?
Live from the shores
of Rhode Island,
it's the fatty
who drives you batty!
Peter Griffin!
Hey, hey, hey, douche bags!
We got a great show
for you tonight.
Karen Washington from
the Rhode Island Zoo
and some rejected toys
you're not gonna believe.
So stick around, or...
I'll come to your house
and murder you!
I wonder what else is different.
♪ Lucky there's a man who ♪
♪ Positively can do ♪
♪ All the things that make us ♪
♪ La la la... ♪
She is camel toe-ing
the hell out of that leotard.
All right, Rupert, time to
break up Lois and the fat man
before they can conceive me
by pressing butts together.
Well, you don't know, either!
Hey, Lois, I drawed
you a picture.
It's me and you
on the space moon,
'cause I would
love you anywhere.
Oh, Peter.
I'd love you anywhere, too.
Wow, Peter and Lois
were really in love
before I was born.
And this is me getting
you from behind,
'cause in space no one
can hear you scream.
Oh, Peter!
Breaking them up may prove to be
more difficult than I thought.
Though I've faced
bigger challenges before.
Like when I had to ride
that bike in The Muppet Movie.
That's right.
Stewie Long Legs
just blew your mind.
All right, Rupert,
now to break up my parents.
The number one thing
couples fight about is money.
So I've maxed out
Lois's credit card
on vibrating marital aids.
Peter, there's an open box
in the kitchen
addressed to me
with nothing inside.
Uh, yeah, when I
opened it up, it was empty.
Well, that's
very strange,
because it looked large
enough to hold many items.
It's the mailman!
I'll get it!
No! Me!
I'll get it!
Huh. Maybe I had more in common
with this family than I thought.
Oh, my God, Peter!
What happened
to your hair?
I don't know. I...
I'm bald!
You did this!
What the hell's
the matter with you?!
I didn't do it, but...
but you look really cool.
I do?
Yeah, you look like you
could be a celebrity.
Hey, can I get
your autograph?
Oh, of course,
here you go.
They think
I'm Bruce Willis.
That was the monster
from Goonies!
None of my attempts
to break them up
has worked thus far,
so I had to up our game.
Lois, what the hell did you do?!
I just got a note from Goodwill
thanking me for
donating all my porn.
What?!
I'm sick and tired
of you blaming me
for things I didn't do!
And I've got a bone
to pick with you!
I don't appreciate
how you spray-painted
"vile woman"
on the bedroom wall.
That wasn't me!
Must've been
one of the kids!
That's ridiculous,
Peter!
Chris can't write,
and we don't allow
Meg upstairs!
Well, you know something,
I'm starting to think
whoever wrote
that is right!
Well, maybe I don't want
to live with someone
who doesn't respect me!
Well, then maybe
I should just leave!
And where are you gonna go?
You got nothing else
and nobody else!
And now for the closer.
I might go west.
My God, I've done it, Rupert!
They've broken up!
Look!
It's working.
I'm fading away!
Well, Rupert, this means
you and I will never have met.
So I've got
to tell you one thing:
you know that song I wrote you
for Valentine's Day?
It's an Eric Carmen song.
I completely ripped it off.
Ah. Ah, now I feel better.
Wha...
What the devil?
What's going on?
Where am I?
It's a boy!
I'm in a hospital.
My soul must have
found another carrier.
I've been reborn!
Welcome to the world, baby chap.
I'm British?
All right!
Ooh, I wonder if
I'll have one of those
pug-nosed British dogs
that licks its own snot all day.
Ew, that's gross.
Piss off, you little wanker.
I'm not gonna be the dog
to some poof baby.
Well, lad,
welcome to your home.
Well, this is more like it.
This is your valet,
your gardener,
your cook, your gamekeeper,
your butler, your housekeeper,
your parlor maid,
your housemaid,
your scullery maid,
your shoe de-graveler
and one superfluous employee
who I am not in a gay
relationship with.
Sir, we have a meeting
in the broom shed.
Quite right.
I will now hand you
over to your mother.
This will be our
last physical contact
until I give you
a firm handshake
on your 18th birthday.
My God, this is everything
I've ever wanted.
And let's be honest, if I had
stayed with the Griffins,
I would have ended up like
Rick Springfield today.
♪ I wish that
I had Jesse's job. ♪
Sir, it's 6:00 p.m.
and you're still in
your 5:45 tuxedo.
Nigel, yesterday
I saw you smile.
Is that something I need
to bring up with my father?
I was just imagining
my own death, sir.
You're a good man, Nigel.
May I pull on
your nose hair?
Of course, sir.
My heavens, my father
is the Commander
of the Most Excellent Order
of the British Empire,
Dean of Physics at Oxford,
and he was pre-approved for
a Capital One No-Hassle Card.
Oh, okay, so he's just
framing everything.
Stewart, these are
your brothers, Jaden and Aidan.
Jaden was first form
in his sixth levels
and he's chief scrum-flanker
on his varsity boogling team,
which, as far as we know,
makes us terribly proud.
Finally, siblings
who are doing stuff.
I'm really happy
to meet you guys.
You were an accident.
You're only here because
Father is a heavy sleeper
with a frequent
morning stem.
Okay. Aidan's the ball-breaker,
huh, Jaden?
Father, is "it" going
to live here for a while?
Oh, Aidan is the nice one.
Well, if it's verbal jousting
skills you're looking for,
I'm not afraid to take a little
walk on the Oscar Wilde side.
You are a poopy head.
And you... shut up.
Stewart, I think
your mouth is better
at taking things in
than spewing them out.
Wow, these guys are a little
sharper than my old family.
I still remember
our Duck Duck Goose disaster.
Duck.
Duck.
Duck.
Duck.
Duck. Duck.
Duck.
Duck. Duck.
Duck.
Duck.
Duck. Duck.
Duck.
Duck.
Duck.
What is that other word?
There we are.
Sorry I couldn't squeeze
no more juice outta me nippers.
Oh, that's all right.
I can't be mad at someone who
lost seven sons in the war.
All right, my little lord,
it's time for bed.
Why isn't Mommy
tucking me in?
Oh, hush, love,
you're born now.
That's the end of all
this "Mommy" nonsense.
What the hell?
I don't even get
a stuffed animal to hug?
The only thing in this crib
is a 19th-century
dueling pistol.
It's loaded?!
Who dares to
shoot the bow tie off my cat?
We duel at dawn!
I'm just a baby!
So am I!
Good Lord, what have I done?
I don't like it here at all!
I miss my family!
My dumb family!
Dear God.
I wanted to be free
of the family of morons
I was born into,
but now I'm the moron!
Sir, I heard
whimpering.
Shall I fetch
your crying tuxedo?
No! I don't want
any more tuxedos!
And I don't want a cold mother
or an Oxford physics
professor father.
Wait a minute! That's it!
The Oxford physics lab will have
everything I need
to build a time machine.
Then I can go
back to my old life!
Ah, ah!
Stone floor, too cold.
I'll go in the morning.
Let's see, I need plutonium
for the time machine.
But how do I get
past those guards?
Oh, wait, that's right.
I'm in England.
I can just walk past them
holding a cup of tea.
Morning.
Morning.
Morning.
Morning.
Morning.
Morning.
Morning.
Morning.
Did you see something
suspicious about that baby?
Well, I did at first,
but then he's got the tea
vouching for him, doesn't he?
Almost there.
Just a few more adjustments.
Stewart!
What are you doing?
All right, Rupert,
I left the fat man's
entire porn collection
on the curb
for Goodwill to pick up.
Who the devil are you?
I'm British Stewie.
I don't hear
anything different.
I sound the same,
but I spell some words
very differently.
Let me write
the word "color"
on a piece of
paper for you.
Dear God! You are British!
Listen to me.
You successfully prevented
your own birth,
and instead you were born
into an alternate family.
But you must believe me,
the Griffins are
your true destiny.
No, they're not. They're morons.
But they're your morons,
and they care about you.
Besides, you shine
among these dullards.
Like Bob Weir in
The Grateful Dead.
That joke's for
one of our crew guys, Matty.
He loves The Dead and he's,
uh... he's not doing so well.
We love ya, Captain Trips.
Hang in, bro.
Well, I do like being
better than everyone else.
Peter, I had
nothing to do
with donating
your stupid porn!
If what you're
telling me is true,
we can't let
them separate.
If Peter leaves,
I'll be unborn!
Well, she's not
gonna stop him.
She's furious.
You're right!
And if I know her,
she'll be heading
to the fridge
for her angry
afternoon Chardonnay.
I've got an idea!
Okay, there it is.
Noon.
Oh, no! He's leaving!
I'm... I'm fading away!
Peter, wait!
What? You want to yell
at me some more?
No, I want to
tell you I'm sorry.
I... I don't want
you to leave.
Why should I stay if
you don't even trust me?
I do trust you, Peter.
I don't know what's
gotten into us lately.
The important thing is,
we're meant to be together.
I love you, Peter.
Aw, I love you, too, Lois.
I'm glad we're
staying together.
Honestly, I-I don't know
what I would do on my own.
Like, I literally have no
idea where food comes from.
I-Is it that guy?
Is he the food man?
No, Peter, it's not him.
They're making up!
It's working!
That means soon
you will not exist.
Then I guess this
is good-bye, Stewie.
I'll miss you.
You've taught
me so much.
And you've been
a good friend.
And you as well.
Ah! Damn it!
Help me, Stewie!
Lift it off!
Eh, that looks
really heavy.
It is! And it's
incredibly painful!
Please, help!
You know,
you'll be fading away
any moment, you know?
It'd be a lot of effort
ultimately for nothing.
I'm choking on
my own blood!
Call someone! Please!
Well, again,
it was great knowing you.
Ah! You bastard!
You'll burn in hell...
Ugh, finally.
That was an ordeal.
I... I did it!
I'm back.
Aw, damn it.
I left my ChapStick in the past.
ChapStick!
With smooth lips,
I will finally be able
to be a mayor who kisses babies
with confidence!
Hey, cracked lips!
You'll see!
You'll all see!
Ooh, scrambled eggs!
How delightful.
Thank you, Lois.
Well, you're certainly
in a better mood
since last
night's tantrum.
You know, Brian, I've realized
this is where I belong.
For better or worse,
I'm a Griffin.
Coward!
I have found you!
Ah!
Well, it took
three years,
but I am finally
through all that porn.