Family Guy (1998–…): Season 12, Episode 20 - He's Bla-ack! - full transcript

Hey guys, can I share
something with you?

Sure.
Yeah. Go ahead.

Well, you know how I don't ever
brag about my sexual exploits.

That would be an
accurate statement, yes.

Well, last night,
Bonnie and I got really kinky.

She painted my toenails.

Wha...?
You serious?

Check it out.

What the hell is that?!

Nail polish.

No. The foot.



It's a child's foot, Joe.

Wha... I-I don't... you-you were
crippled when you were an adult.

How the hell did...?
Yeah.

A few months back,
I got really drunk

and was playing around
with an elastic band.

I wrapped it around my thigh
and forgot about it

for a week or two and uh, yeah,
so, that's my left foot now.

I mean,
it still works the same.

Oh, yeah, sure.

Still a foot, I guess.

Whassup?

Oh, hey, Cleveland.
Hi.

Wait, don't you have
a show to do?

Oh... That's right.



All right.
I knew this was coming.

Everybody give me
your best shot.

Oh, my God.
Where do I even begin?

You know,
it's not a good sign

that this is
the first time

a lot of people
are realizing

you had a show.

Your logo was stupid.

It looked like
a big, purple penis

and your ratings blew.

We did about the same
as Bob's Burgers.

That's your bar!?

Oh, shame on you!

This is good.
This is constructive.

The talking bear
was so bad,

Seth MacFarlane quit voicing him
after season two.

It's hard to make
a talking bear funny.

It worked out
okay in movie form.

What was supposed to be
the show's audience?

Who did you make it for?

Like, some black guy

who's never met
another black guy?

Anything else?
Yeah.

Here's four seasons worth of
DVDs of what we've been up to.

You know, just so you're
back up the speed.

And I'll warn you ahead of time:
these have jokes in them.

I...

I don't have
a DVD player.

It seems today
that all you see

Is violence in movies
and sex on TV

But where are those
good old-fashioned values

On which we used to rely?

Lucky there's a family guy

Lucky there's a man
who positively can do

All the things
that make us...

Excuse me.
Excuse me. Sorry.

Sorry, Mort.
I-I hate to do this.

What... What's happening?

They want me in the line.

Well, where do I go?

Home?

Okay, but I still
get paid for today, right?

I... I wouldn't know.

You need to talk to Marla.

Sorry.

You okay?

What do you care?

All the things that make us

Laugh and cry

He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy!

It'll be nice
having Cleveland

back across
the street.

Why?

I think a lot of times
you only say things

because they make
you sound good.

You know, Cleveland,
it must be weird

for you guys to move and
not 'cause of a hurricane.

Oh, Lois, I'm so
glad to see

Peter and Cleveland
back together again.

Yeah, me too.

Now Peter will have
something to do

besides flushing
the toilet

to Foghat's
"Slow Ride."

Peter, what are you
doing in there?

Nothin'.

Slow ride

Take it easy

Slow ride

Peter, you're wasting
tons of water!

It's not a waste!

And we need a faster toilet.

'Sup, man?

Yeah, yeah, "sup."

Keep walkin', you
Boondocks rip-off.

Home, sweet...

Huh?!

This house is a
disastrous area!

I can't move my
family in here.

You're right.

Well, we'll all have
to do our part.

I'll take little
cocoa butter here.

What the hell
happened?

Well, a lot of people
rented your house.

Uh, Ryan Reynolds,

Chevy Chase
and Dan Aykroyd...

For a while, it
was an orphanage

where the children
sang desolate songs.

We're too old
to ever be adopted

No one wants
a nine-year-old.

Shut up,
you bastards!

I really appreciate y'all

helpin' me fix up my house.

Yeah, no problem,
Cleveland.

Hey, where do you
want me to put

all these giraffe
figurines?

Just spread 'em out.

Don't make any one
room too giraffey.

Cleveland, where should
I hang the mirror?

Right about here?

Maybe a
little higher.

Oh, like, uh,
up here?

I think
maybe higher.

You don't want
it too high, now.

Let's get you a
different job, Joe.

Are you sure?

'Cause I already hung
all these paintings.

This place is shaping up
real nice.

Hey, Cleveland,
what's that?

Oh, this is
my bead door.

It looks stupid.

Why don't you walk
through it?

How do you feel?

Awesome!

Like a suitcase
comin' out of the airport.

Yeah, or
like a bug

walkin' through
Stevie Wonder's hair.

Turns out this old house is
lacking in storage space,

so I gotta make some
tough decisions.

You gonna keep
these neckties?

Yeah, throw 'em
in my car.

They're just to keep
my trunk closed

what if I'm ever
haulin' garbage.

I ain't no lawyer.

I use whatever
for my purposes.

Could be a box spring.

Could be a
old radio.

Could be a more
recent radio...

Wait, now
I'm confused.

So... so some of this
stuff isn't trash?

Like this
old computer monitor?

Nah, that's a
sittin' chair,

what for children.

How about this telephone cord?

That's a pet leash.

If the good Lord decideth
we should have one.

I'm gonna go
ahead and ditch

these promotional McDonald's
cups from the 80's.

Nah, that's all
we drink from.

That's the Riddler
right there.

He would make inquiries
to set your mind a-jumble.

How do you live in a
house with all this junk?

I'd rather stay in a
house with small kids.

So you can sleep
on the couch.

Uh,
please take the potty seat off the toilet,

don't try to
pee through it.

There's juice boxes
in the fridge

and if you get hungry,
there's plenty of Goldfish in the couch.

Um, feel free to watch
TV with the sound off.

And the kids
will be down here

first thing in the morning
to antagonize the dogs.

Oh, and everyone
here has pinkeye.

"...And that was the moment
I stopped being Dwayne Johnson

and started being The Rock."

That's a good place
to leave off.

Hey, I just realized.

We're The Rock!

What do you mean?

Together, you and I

make one biracial
wrestler.

Do you have any
folding chairs?

No.

That's all right.
I'll use this.

Folding chair!

Ow!

What was that?!

That was my
great-grandma's vase!

On the drive up
from Virginia,

she kept that vase
'tween her legs.

W-What are you doing?!

Making sure you
learn your lesson.

Ow! It hurts!

It hurts!

I can't believe Japanese men

pay good money for this.

At work, I am
important businessman.

Here, I am bad boy!

We now return to

The Gay Bachelor.

Ew, they're
all gross!

I'm keeping
the roses.

Mom!
Mrs. Brown spanked me!

What?!

And you still haven't
pulled up your pants?

Chris, what
happened?

I was playing with Rallo
and I broke a vase

and then she gave me
a spanking!

Uh, I believe the term
is "whuppin'", Chris.

God, look at the size
of that handprint.

It's like Doctor J.

Peter, this
is serious!

A woman hit
our child!

What is wrong
with her?

Whoa, can I get
some white bread

on that judgmental
sandwich?

Brian, why are you
bringing race into this?

Lois, I've
spent my life

trying to keep
race out of things.

That's why whenever
I walk into Lids,

every guy
fist-bumps me.

Oh, you're
full of crap, Brian.

I'm just saying,
Lois, some of us

go through life
without seeing color.

That's because you're
color blind, Brian.

You're right.

I am color blind.

Here...

and here.

Hey, remember when you
swallowed that rib-eye bone

and you couldn't
poop it out?

And then you
pushed real hard

and the poo came through
the rib eye hole?

Peter,
we gotta go over there and talk to Donna.

All right, but you need
to cool down first, Lois.

Find a way
to channel your anger.

What I do is throw
a shot put into a crowd

and make it look
like an accident.

I forgot to make it
look like an accident.

That woman
is gonna be sorry

she laid her hands
on our son.

Hello.

Hi, j-just
so you know,

this is sort of
Lois's thing.

I-I'm not really
upset about it.

So... go
ahead, dear.

Donna, what gives you

the right to
spank my child?

It always smells like
the same meal over here.

I hit him
for a reason.

He broke my vase.

And maybe I wouldn't have
to discipline your child

if you did
it yourself!

Oh, please!

The only thing kids
learn from spanking

is adults don't have the
patience to teach them.

Bull honkey.

What?!

I don't spank,

and my children are
very well-behaved.

Oh, yeah?

Your baby's on
the roof right now.

Stewie!

You get down from there
this instant!

Munch me, bitch!

Right now, Stewie,
or you're in time-out!

How many gray pubes
you pluck today,

you old bag?

Your time-outs
are a joke.

You're a
terrible parent.

I'm a terrible
parent?!

You're a child abuser!

You know what?

From now on, I don't
want our families

having anything to do
with each other!

Well, Cleveland, looks like
these two little alley cats

have scrapped it out.
I'll see you tomorrow.

That includes
you, Peter.

I don't want you ever
talking to Cleveland again.

And Cleveland,
I forbid you

from ever talking
to Peter again!

Hey, Lois, look!

I'm smoking!

You can't control dick!

I'm a roof baby now!

So we're
making plans

for Susie's first
birthday party.

Oh, that's good bar talk.

Hey, y'all..

Oh, oh, uh, sorry,
Peter, I'll...

I'll get
outta here.

No, no, no, no,
I'll go.

I'll go.
It's okay.

What's goin' on?

You guys touch
pee-pees or something?

I wish.

No, our wives
got in a big fight

and banned us from
seeing each other.

So what if they're in a fight?

What does that have
to do with you?

Well, I gotta
live with Donna.

Uh-oh.
There she is.

Oh, no!
Peter, quick!

Change pigments!

That was close.

Peter, we can't risk
seeing each other.

But, Cleveland, you and I are
pals, and I just got you back.

Well, there might
be one solution.

We just got to hang out where
there's no chance we'll be seen.

You know,
keep it a secret.

Then that's what we'll do.

'Cause I can't
lose you again, Cleveland.

I'm closer to you than
I am to my own right hand.

Oh, my God,
you like scrambled eggs, too?

Here, go ahead, have some.

Whoa, that's a big bite there.

Slow down, buddy.

Oh, my God!
Oh, my God! He's choking!

Thanks for coming.

Thank you... Thank you...

Thanks for coming.

Why you thought
it was appropriate

to show up here, Cheryl,
I have no idea.

Are you sure this is
the best solution, Peter?

I just figured a plane
is a safe place

where you and I can hang out
and not be seen by our wives.

Oh, that makes sense.
So, what have you been up to?

Yup, sorry, Cleveland, I'm gonna
have to cut you off there.

Whenever I ride on a plane,

I have to put on my
noise-cancelling head phones.

Leaves me alone
with nothing but my thoughts.

But I don't want
to kill all these people!

I don't care about the
alignment of the dark forces!

Leave me alone!

I love my wife Donna.

I wish she and Peter's wife
got along better.

That's why
we're on this airplane.

I'm Cleveland.

Ah, dang it!

Do you have any idea how
fast you were going, sir?

Peter?!
Hey, Cleveland, this is just so we can talk

without getting spotted
by Lois and Donna.

I need you to step
out of the car, sir.

Peter, there's got
to be a better way...

He's got a knife!
Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!

Sorry, Cleveland,
it's got to be authentic.

Ow! Ow! Stay down!
Stay down!

Cleveland, try
to grab my gun.

Oh, trying to grab
my gun, are you?

Ow! Ow!

Hey, rookie, save some for me.

Wow, the whole
gang's back together.

Shut up!

We don't need you
in this town!

Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow!

We don't need you in this town.

Oh, oh, oh, hi, Lois.

You were with Cleveland,
weren't you?

No!

Then what were you doing?

I'm, uh...

I'm having an affair.

That's ridiculous.

It's not ridiculous.

It's Cybill Shepherd.

She's attainable
for a guy like me now.

Peter, enough lies.

I know you were with Cleveland.

Until further notice,
you can sleep downstairs.

Aw, man.

I wonder how it's going
for Cleveland.

Cleveland, Get in here!

And pull your pants down!

At least turn me over
to my back side!

We now return to

"Slightly Too Early Comedy Club
Audience Member."

Not like when Clinton was
in the White House, huh?

When Clinton was
in the White House,

all you needed to vote was
a piece of duct tape and a...

Yes, yes!

But things are different
with the Republican majority.

They're totally in the pocket
of the oil companies.

I mean, the President
of the United States

might as well be...

Amen! Why not?

Why not, right?

But I guess
it could be worse.

The other day,
my wife asked me

if her ass looked fat
in her jeans.

And I'm like, "Honey..."

Oh, no!

Wow. Wow!

Dad, what are you
doing down here?

Eh, your mom's making me
sleep on the couch

'cause she caught me
hanging out with Cleveland.

How about you?

Mom's making me sleep
in the basement.

Sleeping lower in the house is
a big punishment for her.

Well, this isn't working.

I can't keep sneaking around

trying to hang out
with Cleveland.

Maybe you could figure
out a way to get

Mom and Mrs. Brown
to be friends.

Yeah, you know,
I bet I can.

I mean, I'm the guy who figured
out how much eye contact

a band should make
during a guitar solo.

Yeah, we're in sync,
and showing others

how much we love the song.

Okay, okay, time
to turn away now, Vince.

Come on, we got
a lot of song left!

Turn away!
Look at something else!

I'm glad you didn't listen.

Chris is right.

I got to do something.

All right, Cleveland, nothing
bonds women together like

having to take care of invalid
husbands in the hospital.

What?
Don't die!

Oh, Cleveland,

I'm gonna hate
those Griffins forever.

Only my side had airbags.

Peter, what are we doing here?

Well, women will
always band together

to stop an offensive art
exhibit from coming to town.

So I've arranged for all
my photos of baby wieners

to be put on display.

Oh, Peter, I'm gonna have
to call the police on this.

What? Why?

It's to get our wives
back together!

Peter, these are
hundreds of naked babies

in suggestive situations!

And they're time-stamped
as far back as 1998,

which is way before
we had this idea!

I need help!

All right, Cleveland, one thing
that always bonds women

is healing an abused animal.

So I got us
an injured bald eagle.

Somebody put cigarettes out
all over him.

Peter, that's a symbol
of our country.

This particular eagle
is a dick.

Everything out of its mouth
is a taunt.

Peter, you're
being ridiculous.

And you need to release
that eagle out into the...

What'd that eagle say?

Lock the door.

Peter, let's just
give Susie her gift,

eat our cake and leave.

I don't want to be here
with that Brown family.

That sounds even more racist
than it is.

Ladies and gentlemen,
I give you...

The Great Quagini!

Hey-ey, everybody!
There's the birthday girl!

Oh, oh, what's that
behind your ear?

Oh, it's a condom!

Quagmire, please stop touching
my baby with a condom.

And for my next trick,
I'm gonna split

my beautiful assistant in half.

And not the way you think.

Won't be needing this.

Okay, time
for the three-legged race.

Pair up, everyone.

All right, Peter,
let's do it.

You're my three-legged
race partner.

No, Lois, I'm not
gonna be your partner.

What?!

I'm gonna be partners
with Cleveland.

Peter, I told you...

And I'm telling you,
Cleveland and I have won

every three-legged race
in Quahog except that time

those two one-legged guys formed

the perfect running person.

Cleveland, what do you
think you're doing?!

Peter's right.

We're friends and that's that.

This whole fight is ridiculous.

Now, let's go win a
race with no prize.

On your mark...

get set... go!

Did you see that?
My dog had a gun.

How are we doing?!

Are we beating anyone?

I waited too long
to pick a partner.

Oh, my God!
Peter, are you okay?

I'm down!
I'm down, Cleveland!

Go on without me!
Save yourself!

No, I won't leave you.

We started this race together,
we're gonna finish it together.

I'm gonna carry you, Peter!

Oh, my God, Peter.

I-I can't pick you up.

How much do you weigh?

I don't know.

My car can't go
up hills, though.

Well, then there's
only one solution.

Hug and roll!

Boy, those fools
sure do love each other.

Yeah, I...
I guess they do.

You know, Donna, they've
known each other

a lot longer than we have.

That's true.

And if we're gonna be neighbors,

we're gonna have to learn to
set aside our differences.

Friends?

Friends.

Mrs. Brown?

I want you
to spank me again.

We're gonna win!
We're gonna win!

Not so fast.

Damn it!

You know, Cleveland,
I got to say,

it's great having the old gang
back together again.

Well, it's great
being back.

To Cleveland!

To me!

You know,
not a single person

stopped watching
'cause you left.

He doesn't have the guts
to say anything back.