Family Guy (1998–…): Season 11, Episode 2 - Ratings Guy - full transcript

It seems today that all you see

Is violence in
movies and sex on TV

But where are those
good old-fashioned values

On which we used to rely?

Lucky there's a family guy

Lucky there's a man
who positively can do

All the things that make us

Laugh and cry

He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy!

Oh, Stewie, how exciting!

Your first visit to a real fire station!



Yeah, you kids always loved your
first trip to the fire station.

You remember when we took Meg?

Welcome to the Quahog
Fire Department, folks.

I'm Captain Beckman.

Let me know if you have any questions

that l can answer for you.

What's up, nerds?

You waiting for some guy to
fall asleep with a cigarette?

Lazy fire turds!

Have another donut, pig!

We got guns! You got hoses!

See you on the softball field!

Over here is our kitchen,
where we make all our meals.

And upstairs is where we sleep.



What about your wives and families?

Sometimes we don't see them
for long periods of time.

Well, that sounds awfully lonely.

Like being an NBA player on the road.

Baby, l miss my wife so much.

Thanks for understanding
that we can't do anything.

I just want to cuddle.

Oh, you're so sweet.

I'm just doing what a man should do.

Respecting the sacred
institution of marriage.

And now, straight to sleep.

This message
brought to you by the NBA.

Let's all pretend this happens.

Hey, Chris, you think it's
safe to drink from a fire hose?

Nice job, Chris.

You got my shirt wet.

Now, few people realize

that until 1928 there were no hoses,

and you actually had to fight
fires with your bare hands.

I will now give a demonstration.

Whoa, scrappy little blaze, huh?

Oh, my God, the fire's got a gun!

What the was that?

Come on, Stewie. We're going.

Just a moment, Brian.

I'm pretending l'm a fireman.

I love playing pretend.

My name's Peter and
I work in the brewery.

Now l'm gonna put on my pants

and go talk to my coworkers at...

These pants have stool in them.

Well, l hope everyone had a
fun afternoon at the firehouse.

I sure did, Mom!

I can't wait for the next family outing!

Aw, thanks, Mike.

I hate fire stations.

No
problem, man.

Is that alcohol on your breath?

Yeah, maybe.

You're playing this too
fast and loose, Mike!

Ooh, ooh, is that the mail?

Yeah. Is there anything in there for me?

I want to see if there's a response

to all those fan letters
I've been writing.

Dear Cary Elwes,

I have been meaning to
contact you for some time.

I have never been able to
figure out if you are famous.

You were a big deal in one thing,

but you were wearing
a mask for most of it.

Do you consider your
career a disappointment?

Or rather, did you exceed
your own expectations?

Yours truly, Peter Griffin.

P.S. You were in Robin
Hood: Men in Tights.

Did you know that?

Hey, there's something here
from the Nielsen Company.

"Dear Griffin family,

"You have been specially
selected from amongst millions

"of American households
to be a Nielsen family,

"and as such, to have your
TV viewing habits monitored

in order to measure television ratings."

Oh, kids, this came all
the way from Delaware.

What does all that mean?

Well, Meg, it sounds like
they want us to be part of

a select group of people that
helps determine what's on TV.

We're gonna be a Nielsen family?

That's awesome!

I think... uh...

I think that's the wrong music.

There you go.

Now, this Nielsen box will keep
track of everything you watch,

which helps us generalize
the viewing habits

of millions of Americans.

Ah, yes.

And what was that beginning,
middle and end part again?

Um...

this Nielsen box will keep
track of everything you watch,

which helps us generalize
the viewing habits

of millions of Americans.

Is there any way you
can describe that to me

using colorful puppets of some sort?

The Nielsen box will
monitor your viewing habits!

I don't like the left
puppet. His chin is scary.

Well, thanks for your cooperation.

If you have any
questions, please call me.

And welcome to the Nielsen family.

Thank you very much.

Well, isn't this exciting.

I know, l can't believe
we're a Nielsen family!

I never get picked for anything.

All right, everyone.

Time to do our Nielsen duty.

So, what are we gonna watch?

Boobs! Project Runway!

The Good Wife! That
black version of our show!

You know, guys, this
is a real opportunity

to promote quality programming.

I think we should watch PBS.

Yeah, you're real passionate about PBS.

You donated once five years
ago and they sent you a mug.

And now the mug's so old
that the "P" has been worn off

so it just says "B.S."

It's libtards like you that
are screwing up our country.

Tom Tucker? What are you doing here?

Well, l heard you're
the new Nielsen family.

Just hoping you plan to
watch the Channel Five News.

I don't know. l've missed so many.

It's gonna take me forever to catch up.

Well, we'd sure love
to have you as a viewer.

Is there anything we can do

to make the news more appealing to you?

Maybe.

I guess you could lose the moustache.

Lose my moustache?

Well, gosh, l... l don't know.

My birthmark makes it kind of tough.

Always caused me problems at my old job.

And that'Il do it for us
here at Channel 12 News.

Make sure you turn those clocks ahead.

Good night, St. Louis.

Yeah, l don't know,

I was never that crazy
about the moustache.

Well, l suppose l could lose
it and just use more makeup.

Yeah, that'd be cool.

And maybe a festive hat would
make things more festive.

All right, this is good.
Any other suggestions?

Yeah, can you end each show

by trying to pull-start
a very cold chain saw?

Well, that shouldn't be a problem.

All right, thank you
for being so candid.

Hey, thanks for listening.

I know how hard it is to take criticism.

Hey, nice boots, Griffin.

They sell men's shoes
where you got those?

You made a commitment
to these boots, Peter.

These boots are the new you,

and no one will shake that.

Yee-haw, ride 'em, cowgirl!

Okay, you can take
the boots off at lunch.

Go to the gym. Have a workout.

Come back in your sneakers.

If anyone asks, you forgot
the boots in your locker.

Just make it to lunch.

Those boots are made for walkin'.

Up to guys' butts.

Hey, fellas. Hey.

Good evening, Quahog.

Tonight, Channel Five mourns the loss

of a dear colleague.

My moustache.

And as per the wishes of my moustache,

his ashes were sprinkled
off the coast of Acapulco

where he was born.

Well, that'Il do it for us here.

Thanks for watching Channel Five,

the most trusted name in news.

Ah, crap.

Oh, come on.

Let's go, Tom.

Work, damn it!

What the hell?

What's going on with the news?

This is terrible! Yeah,
has he lost his mind?

Well, l'Il be damned.

If l knew he was gonna do
all that stuff l told him,

I would've told him more stuff.

What?

Peter, you told him to do this crap?

Yeah, he came to my
house when he found out

I was a Nielsen family,
asked what l wanted to see.

Hey, hey, you know what would be cool?

If he did the news with
a family of prairie dogs,

and whenever he said something sad,

they'd pop their heads
up, all concerned.

Peter, you sure that's such a good idea?

People rely on the local
news to provide them with

several stories a year on
how saltwater taffy is made.

Yeah, if you're a Nielsen family,

it seems like you should maybe be

a little more thoughtful
with your choices.

What are you talking about?

I'm just having a little fun.

For God's sakes, l've just been handed

the coolest freaking toy on the planet.

Well, you know, except for
Hungry Hungry Alec Baldwins.

Hey, l'm not... l'm not
even touching the lever.

Chilling news from Long Island Sound,

as a four-passenger prop plane
on its way to East Hampton

spun into the surf off Montauk Point.

There were no survivors.

Oh, that's so great, l just
called him on the way home!

Peter, l'm not sure this
is entirely responsible.

I don't see what the big deal is.

I was just trying to
make the show better.

Hell, l wish l could do
it with all the shows.

Yeah, well, you only
have one Nielsen box.

You don't have the clout
to affect national shows.

Damn it.

I guess that means l'Il never get to see

an episode of Superman where
Clark Kent and Lois Lane

finally get together.

Lois, l love you,

and l want there to be no
more secrets between us.

I am Superman.

Oh, my God.

The only thing that can
kill me is kryptonite.

Or latex.

Or lambskin.

What about polyurethane? All that.

All that stuff.

Hi, folks.

Just thought l'd stop by
and make sure your equipment

is working properly and see
if you have any questions.

Yeah, is something
wrong with our remote?

No matter how low l turn the volume,

Aziz Ansari is always shouting at me.

What did l do?

Thank you. l think we're good.

Everything seems to be going well.

Okay, great.

Well, l'm just gonna change out the card

on your unit real quick
and l'Il be on my way.

Well, we're all set.

Thanks for your time.

No, thank you, pal.

And hey, you've been working hard.

Why don't you take the
rest of the day off?

Here's two tickets to Sandra
Bernhard's one-woman show.

Wow, thanks!

Yeah, and they're great seats.

They're right in the gap of her teeth.

Social media?

More like a social disease.

Ha! That's funny!

Peter, what the hell's going on here?

Lois, we're no longer
one Nielsen family.

We're 100.

More boxes, more power.

And l got some ideas to make TV better.

Hello, Mad Men production office.

Yeah, Peter Griffin here.

Could l speak with Jon Hamm, please?

One moment.

Hello? Hello, Jon Hamm?

Peter Griffin, Nielsen family.

Listen, did l catch you at a good time,

or are you and the critics
busy sucking each other's butts?

Excuse me?

Look, your show is really boring.

But don't worry, l got some ideas

on how you can jazz it up.

Listen, l don't need
your suggestions, pal.

I've been a big celebrity
for a year and a half now.

Okay, if that's how you're gonna be.

We'Il see how this plays out.

Lois, we're not
watching Mad Men no more.

Hello?

Look, l may have been a little rash.

Our ratings have dropped 50%.

Whatever suggestions
you have, l'Il listen.

And so, gentlemen, in baseball,

three strikes and you're out.

But three Lucky Strikes...

and you're in.

Nice try, Don.

But l'm afraid we're going to have

to take our business elsewhere.

Oh? don't think so.

What the hell was that?

I'Il tell you what it was, Lois.

It was awesome.

And wait'Il you see Breaking Bad.

I don't know what it was,
but now it's on roller skates.

Hi, NBC, this is Peter Griffin.

Listen, you guys are doing a great job.

If anybody knows what America
wants in the '90s, it's NBC.

But l just have one small request:

I like Dateline, but l
really hate waiting two hours

to find out who the killer is.

Tonight on
Dateline, a woman murdered.

Was it her ex-boyfriend?

Yes, it was.

I knew it.

I knew it was the ex-boyfriend.

"Sleep tight, truck.

"Sleep tight, firefly.

"Sleep tight, chair.

Sleep tight, bird."

You see that, Peter?

You see the bird?

Bird.

Okay, we'Il, uh, pick
up the rest tomorrow.

Uh, now, l'm just gonna vamp for
a while with some random noises.

Hee-hee!

Heya, heya, heya.

Uh-heh,
uh-heh...

Okay, good night, Peter.

Good night, Dave.

And, uh, here's Paul

to play you to sleep with a lullaby.

PAUL Hey, lullaby...

Oh, lullaby

Hey, you, lullaby...

Stop, no, stop.

Stop.

I forgot, he's terrible.

We now return
to Cops With Banana Guns.

Freeze!

Is that... is that a banana?

Don't worry about what it is.

I'm still a cop.

Whoa, hold on.

All-All right, just...
just take it easy.

This can go a couple of ways.

What the hell did Peter do to Cops?!

Bonnie! Come push me out in a huff!

Peter, what is this show?

It's called Creeping
Up on the Kardashians.

See that guy with the
ponytail in the background?

He sneaks up and scares the girls

while they're starting businesses

or getting their fat waxed.

What the hell?!

There they are! That's
the Nielsen family!

You ruined television!

Now it's just a big, old, silly mess!

Oh, God! An angry mob!

I've got to swallow all my
valuables and get out of here!

Did you see the mob?

Did l see the mob?

Why else am l here?

Oh, my God, Peter, they're really angry!

Say something!

W-Wait. What the hell's going on?

What do you mean, l ruined television?

You put a real cougar on Cougar Town,

and now that cougar's dead

because Courtney Cox ripped it
apart with her teeth and claws!

You turned Anderson Cooper
360 into Anderson Cooper 720!

He's turning around too much!

You converted The Biggest
Loser to the metric system!

Now it feels like
they're not losing enough!

Aw, the hell with you guys!

You're just jealous 'cause l
get to say what's on TV now!

I am a Nielsen god!

Sorry, y'all.

That's the first time
I ever throwed anything.

Well, if it isn't Mr. Nielsen himself.

Nurse, who's the worst
doctor in this hospital?

You are, Dr. Hartman.

Good. Put Hartman on this bozo.

Hey, what can l do for you?

Please, Doc, you got to
help me with this nasty gash.

What seems to be the problem?

No, it's my husband.

Oh. Well, you've got a
lot of nerve coming in here

after what you did to television.

Now, get out!

Please, Doctor, you've got to help him.

You took an oath when you
went to medical school.

I took a lot of things when
I went to medical school.

Now, if you'Il excuse
me, l have to answer this.

Hello?

Ah, Hartman!

Hey, guys. How you doing?

Not so good, Peter.

Yeah, me, either.

Thanks to you, TV's a vast wasteland.

You know how l know that phrase?

I read it in a book, you monster!

Aw, come on, let me make it up to you.

Let me buy you a beer.

No, that seat's taken.

Move along, Peter.

What are you talking about?

You guys are my pals.

We used to be, Peter.

Now, scram.

Well, fine, l'Il sit at the bar.

Not at my bar, you won't.

Get out of here!

Geez, l can't show my face anywhere.

I might as well be
back doing public radio.

This is Peter Griffin,

and you're listening
to Book Talk on WRNI.

Today we'Il be discussing

Bret Easton Ellis's popular work,

Less Than Zero, a tale
of privilege, detachment

and youthful alienation.

But first, a word from our sponsor,

Westin's Golden Soda Biscuits.

I'm enjoying one right now.

Mmm.

Mmm.

Mmm.

Mmm.

That concludes today's
session of Book Talk.

Tune in tomorrow when we will
look at John Kennedy Toole's

unheralded early work, The Neon Bible.

Hey, what's wrong, Peter?

I miss my friends, Brian.

I mean, l was having fun
with those Nielsen boxes,

but what's the point

if l don't got Joe and
Quagmire to enjoy it with me?

I guess l shouldn't have
messed with television.

Well, it's not exactly your fault.

The networks never should
have listened to you

in the first place.

This is exactly what
makes bad television:

pandering to the lowest
common denominator.

So what do l do, Brian?

Well, you still have these boxes.

That means you still have the
power to influence television.

Maybe you can use that
power to help restore TV

to the way it was.

You're right, Brian.

Maybe if l watch smart, quality shows,

that'Il help get things
back to the way they were.

We can use these boxes for good and...

What the hell?!

That's for adding another
tree to One Tree Hill!

Oh, my God, he destroyed every last box!

Holy crap!

We're sunk now, Peter.

There goes your one chance to
get TV back to the way it was.

Wait a minute. Maybe not, Brian.

I think l just got an idea.

Aah! l got glass in my face!

Oh, crap. Now l forgot what it was.

I got it!

Aah! Son of a bitch!

You know who l hate?

The troops.

Yeah, me, too.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, who are you?

I'm Peter Griffin.

I'm the guy who ruined television,

and l'm the guy who's gonna fix it.

Guys!

I broke television,

and now you have to help me fix it!

Yah-ha!

Looks like this is one we beat you to.

Gentlemen, l have
gathered you all here today

because you are the creators
of what television used to be

before l ruined it.

And we need to rebuild
television from the ground up.

So, l'm gonna need all your best ideas.

J.J. Abrams, you take
wonder and complexity

and present it in a way that
no one can possibly understand.

Whaddaya got?!

I've got an alien that goes back in time

and encounters a koala bear
in an Eastern European town.

Totally confused. Do it!

Okay, now, we're gonna
need 15 workplace comedies

where people talk to the
camera for some reason.

You, you, you
and you- go.

When Peter told me to make

a workplace comedy where people talk

to the camera, l thought...

Not now! l mean, go do a show!

Don't-don't do that thing here.

Huh.

Wonder if l can pull off one of those

"can you believe what l
have to put up with" looks

to the camera.

Okay, Mark Burnett, you did
Survivor and The Apprentice.

Can you give me a reality
show where people do horrible,

unforgiveable things to each other

for embarrassingly small sums of money?

I got some ideas.

Here's a nickel, pull down your pants.

There's a show.

Yah-ha! Go!

All right, now, who's gonna make a show

about horrible New Jersey freaks?

You know what? l don't care.

Just someone, do it!

Okay, Dick Wolf,

make the same Law and Order six times.

Oh, and also, could
you marry Matt Weiner

'cause l want your name
to be Dick "Weener."

Okay, but can l go
by "Dick Wolf-Weener"?

Oh, my God, yes! Yes! Yes!

Okay, Bravo people,
go find women fighting.

No, you know what, just find women.

They'Il end up fighting.

All right, everyone who's
left, make a talent show.

We are done.

Oh, Kelsey Grammer, what
are you still doing here?

I-I have nothing left for you.

I'm... l'm sorry.

Ah. Then l shall take
my ease on the lanai.

I don't care what you do now.

We now
return to Mike and Molly.

Have you decided what
you'd like to order?

Yes, the chopped salad?

I'Il have everything except that.

That waiter's like, "What?!"

Well, you did it, Peter.

You got TV back to normal.

Yeah, guys, l'm sorry for screwing up

all your favorite shows.

Ah, that's okay, Peter.

So, what do you say?

Are we pals again?

Ah, course we are. You bet.

Well, let's drink to having TV

back in the hands of people
who know what they're doing.

I think Zack and Cody would be funnier

if they did the show
in their underpants.