Family Guy (1998–…): Season 10, Episode 1 - Lottery Fever - full transcript
When the Griffins win millions in the lottery, they can't handle the good fortune and struggle to stay grounded.
♪ It seems today
that all you see ♪
♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ♪
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪
♪ On which we used to rely? ♪
♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
♪ Lucky there's a man
who positively can do... ♪
Uh, uh, hold it.
Hold it.
What-what...
what's going on here?
I'm pregnant.
You...
you're what?
Yeah.
We're in the middle
of a thing here.
Well, you didn't return
any of my texts.
So what-what...
so what's going on?
You-you... you want, like,
a... a ride to the place?
Peter, what's
going on?
What's going on, Lois,
is that this girl
is obviously not well,
and I have just learned
that she's been stealing
from the show,
and she should probably
be escorted out of the building.
♪ Family Guy 10x01 ♪
Lottery Fever
Original Air Date on September 25, 2011
♪ Nah, nah ♪
♪ Family Guy. ♪
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
ANNOUNCER (over TV):
We now return
to Star Trek II: The Wrath
of Khan, edited for goats.
KHAN (over speaker):
Marooned for all eternity
in the center of a dead planet.
Buried alive.
Buried alive.
(bleating)
Lois, I need $28,000.
For what?
I've decided I want to open
a sushi restaurant.
What do you know
about sushi?
I don't care
about the sushi.
I just want to yell at customers
when they walk in the door.
(speaking faux Japanese)
Here comes a black guy!
Peter, you're not
getting money
for that or
anything else.
We're running seriously
low on cash right now.
In fact, I may have to
get my own full-time job.
Geez. Are we really living
that close to the edge?
You know we
are, Brian.
Why do you think
we waited so long
to take you to the
groomer's last month?
Hey, isn't it time for me
to get a haircut?
Oh, no. I think
you just got one.
Are you sure?
'Cause I feel like
my nails are really long.
Yeah, I'll check,
but I'm pretty sure
it's not for another
couple of weeks.
(panting)
What day is this?
Like it or not, we're
going to have to start
living on a strict
budget for a while.
Good evening. I'm Tom Tucker,
and this is...
♪ News... ♪
I thought you were going
to sing with me, Joyce.
Okay. Our top
story tonight.
The Rhode Island
State Lottery
has climbed to a record
$150 million jackpot.
That's right, Tom.
Powerball fever has
officially gripped Quahog.
We sent Channel Five News
Asian correspondent
Tricia Takanawa around town
to get the public reaction.
Mayor West, what do you plan
to do if you win the lottery?
Well, I'd finally
splurge and buy myself
one of those fancy
four-piece suits.
I'd like to join
your country club.
I assume that won't
be a problem.
And how about you,
every Persian guy in the world?
ALL:
White BMW.
There you go, Lois.
That's the answer right there.
We'll just win the lottery.
In fact, I'm going to go buy
my winning ticket right now.
Peter, what's wrong?
It's, uh, nothing.
I'm just going
to wait a minute.
There's teenagers
in skinny jeans out there.
Everyone, I got big news.
We are going
to be rich.
Oh, my God, Peter.
There are thousands of
lottery tickets here.
Where did you get the
money for all these?
Simple. I took out a second
mortgage on the house.
What?!
Peter, this is idiotic.
Your odds of winning
are like 100 million to one.
Don't you know the lottery
is just a tax on stupid people?
Would you be saying
that if the prize
was 150 million bags of
the neighbor's garbage?
But it's not.
I mean... I mean, is it?
It's... that-that is an
unrealistic, unfair question.
Peter, Brian's right.
How can you be
so irresponsible?
You take these tickets
back right now.
No way, Lois.
We're going to win.
I got lots of good
karma built up
from doing those
USO shows.
(laughter)
So, apparently, they found
a weapon of mass destruction--
my putter.
(laughter)
All right, boys.
Go get 'em over there.
And now, please welcome
Mr. Bruce Jenner.
(cheering and applause)
(jazzy burlesque music plays)
(sailors cheering and whistling)
Just wanted to
remind you fellas
what you're all
fighting for.
Okay, this is
it, you guys.
They're going to announce
the winning lottery numbers.
Time for the Griffin family
to meet its destiny.
When we lose,
I'm getting a divorce.
Understood.
We're here live in our studio
where a checkout girl
in a cheap dress
who wants to be a model
is ready to draw
the winning numbers.
"E!"
TUCKER: That's
a three, honey.
Turn it around.
This.
Thirty-one.
Spooky ghost mouth.
That's a zero.
Snowman.
Eight.
Two sailboats.
Forty-four.
Seventeen.
No, that's...
Oh, yes, that is 17.
She's good at 17.
Well, folks,
those are our winning numbers.
Good luck to all of our...
Twenty-four!
No, that's it. We're done.
Anyone watching,
do not count 24.
Pancakes!
Okay, I don't know
what she's doing now.
Somebody turn the machine off.
N-Nikki, Nikki, that's good.
That's good.
Go... go wait in my car.
All right, you did good.
Going to take her
to Walt's Roast Beef.
All right, kids,
we got 200,000
lottery tickets
we got to check.
All right, how do you
want to do this?
A static shot of the house
where night turns into day
or a montage song that
over-explains what we're doing?
Um, that
second one
sounds like it
could be funny.
♪ ♪
♪ Checking lottery tickets ♪
♪ Looking at the numbers ♪
♪ And seeing if they match
the ones on the news ♪
♪ If they do,
then we're winners ♪
♪ If they don't,
then we put them ♪
♪ In the designated pile ♪
♪ For tickets
we already checked ♪
♪ This is taking forever ♪
♪ That's why Brian is yawning ♪
♪ And Stewie's
rubbing his eyes ♪
♪ The montage is almost over ♪
♪ That's why the music
and the vocals ♪
♪ Are fading out right now. ♪
Well, that's it.
Three days wasted looking
through 200,000 lottery tickets.
Those weren't
the lottery tickets.
That was a test.
These are
the lottery tickets.
Is this another test?
Yes.
These aren't the real
lottery tickets, either.
These are the real
lottery tickets.
So, in addition to buying
200,000 lottery tickets,
you had 400,000 fake ones
printed up?
I had to be sure.
Oh, my God. We won!
What?
Let me see that.
Yes! We won the lottery!
I'm getting a penis butler.
Sir?
All right, butle
my penis. Butle it!
This is awesome.
Now that we're rich,
our lives are going
to be so much better.
You sure it was
such a good idea
to cash that
lottery check?
It seems foolish to have
all this money lying around.
Oh, you'd rather have
it down at the bank
where the Jewish
guys can leer at it?
Yeah!
All right!
Money!
(whistling)
Whoo-hoo!
Whoo!
(phone rings)
Hello?
CARTER: Did you blow all your money yet?
No, Daddy.
All right. Call me
when you blow all your money.
Love you. Bye.
All right, so how are we
going to spend our winnings?
I'm going to get some
supermarket fried chicken
and eat it until I'm nauseous.
I'm going to finally get my gal
that doodad she's been wantin'!
I'm going to get a floor mirror
to squat over
and see what's making
all that noise.
Okay, everybody
just calm down.
We're not going to go crazy
spending our winnings,
and we're not going to let
this money change us.
What are you talking about?
This money is our ticket
to the good life, starting now.
I just bought a giant room
full of gold coins,
and I'm going to dive into it
like Scrooge McDuck.
(drumroll)
Aah! It's not a liquid!
It's a great many pieces
of solid matter
that form a hard,
floor-like surface!
Aah!
Peter, what are you
doing here?
Shouldn't you
be at work?
I quit my job, Lois.
You what?
Yeah, we're rich now.
I don't need to be working.
Ah, you should've
been there, Lois.
I told Angela what she could do
with that job,
just like I always fantasized.
Angela, I just want
to thank you
for several extremely
pleasurable years
working for this
corporation.
Uh, certain
unexpected developments
have created
a situation
where I am no longer
in need of employment.
Uh, I would be
remiss, however,
if I did not extend
my gratitude to you
for your unwavering
fairness and belief in me,
and there is a giant poo
on your desk.
Hey, Horace,
another round for everybody.
(patrons cheering)
Gosh, Peter,
you're really
being generous
with your money.
Hey, what's the point
of being rich
if you can't share it
with your pals, huh?
Okay, wait,
I-I got one.
Who would you
rather do?
Susan Boyle
or a sex doll
that's been passed
around a fraternity?
Well, have they been
cleaning the doll?
Please, these guys are Betas--
they're total animals.
Hey, I got
one, Peter.
What would you
rather do?
Tread water where
you are right now
or increase your
net worth fivefold
within the next
18 months?
Huh?
What? I... what are you
talking about?
Well, my friend Marty
is a whiz with chemistry,
and he says
he's come up
with a new penis
enlargement pill,
and if we can bankroll him
$100,000 in startup money,
he'll triple our
investment in a year.
Well, uh...
gee, I-I'm... I don't, uh...
Peter, I've taken
the liberty
of mocking up some
sales projections.
Wow, that's pretty good.
And this would be
our net profits.
Yikes.
You know, Peter, uh,
Bonnie's birthday is coming up,
and I'll be gol-darned
if I didn't go ahead and
promise her that Stevie Nicks
would come to our house
and sing three songs to her.
(chuckling):
Boy, do I got a big mouth, huh?
Yeah, if you're going to open
your mouth with the missus,
stick to kisses, huh?
(laughs)
(both laughing)
What neat humor.
What neat humor.
So what do say, Peter?
Can you help us out?
Of course I can, you dope.
We're pals, right?
There you go.
Hey, Horace,
give us
three shots
of your best bourbon.
And have that Russian waiter
I like bring it over.
(jaunty intro plays)
♪ La la la la la
la la la la la la ♪
♪ Trololo ♪
♪ La la la la la
la la la la la la ♪
♪ Ho ho ho ho ho ♪
♪ Ho ho ho ho ho ♪
♪ Ho ho ho ho ho ♪
♪ Ho ho ho ho ho ♪
♪ La la la la la la
la la la la la la ♪
♪ La la la la la
la la la la la ♪
♪ Ah la la la ♪
♪ La la la la la la ♪
♪ La la la la la ♪
♪ Bop ba da da da da da da da ♪
♪ La la la la la la. ♪
Boy, you wouldn't guess
from that smile
that all his kids
were stillborn, huh?
All right, well,
thanks again, Peter.
I got to head out.
I told my mother I'd visit
her in the hospital.
Yeah, and I got to work.
I'm flying a leg
to Minneapolis tonight.
Oh.
Yeah, I-I-I understand.
You... you've got
other things to do.
I-I just wrote you guys
a couple of checks,
but no, you... you-you-you
do your things.
What?
No, I mean, I-I'm just saying,
I-I thought friends hang out,
do things with each other.
You know,
especially when one friend
gives the other friends
a whole bunch of money.
Oh. Well, I guess I
could stick around.
Yeah, and I-I guess
the co-pilot can fly the plane.
She's a woman and passengers
are usually okay with that.
I once saw a
deodorant commercial
that had a
woman pilot.
That's more like it.
From now on, we're all gonna do
whatever I want to do.
'Cause I'm the one
with the dough.
Okay, I guess that's fair.
Good.
'Cause what I want to do is
stay here, get drunk
and watch TV.
ANNOUNCER: We now return to Michael
McDonald During Allergy Season.
(gasping):
Haa...
Haa-haa...
Haa-haa-haa-haa-haa...
Haa...
(sneezes):
♪ Haa-chu! ♪
Hey, Peter, you wanted me
to watch the entire first season
of True Blood and come show you
where there was boob?
That's right, I
don't want to see
any actual True
Blood, just boob.
Yeah, well, I found some.
No!
Anna Paquin boob does
not count as real boob!
That's like looking
at a 12-year-old boy.
Geez. Y-You should
know that, Joe!
You should
definitely know that!
Sorry, Peter.
Sorry doesn't show me
nipples worth seeing!
And as for you, Anna, you're
dreadful and so is the program.
I didn't write it.
Yeah, but you know
the people who do.
That Alan Ball--
you know him, right?
Yeah.
How come everything
he writes
is so dreary?
I don't know.
Tell him to cheer up!
Things ain't so bad!
This is a weird episode.
Okay, Quagmire, I want you
to take the first bite
out of this fudge pop,
because that first bite
is the one that really hurts.
Well, okay.
(grunting)
Ah! Ow!
Ow!
Yeah, that's right "Ow."
Now, you swallow that.
Don't you dare spit that out.
What's the
difference?
You got what
you wanted.
I said swallow it!
(gulps)
Now, smear what's
left of it on your face
and look at me
with your mouth open.
Look at yourself,
you filthy whore.
I don't even
want this now.
Okay, guys, now you're gonna do
a synchronized duet
of "Makin' Whoopee" while
I shoot you with this BB gun.
That doesn't
sound safe.
Action!
(piano playing)
♪ Another bride ♪
♪ She looks so gay ♪
♪ Another June ♪
♪ Oh, what a day ♪
♪ Another sunny
honeymoon ♪
♪ Hip hip hoor... ♪
(screams)
♪ Another seas... ♪
(screams)
♪ Another reason ♪
♪ For making whoopee ♪
Look, you aren't gonna shoot us
in the eye, are you, Peter?
Oh, no, Joe.
I wouldn't try
to shoot you in the eye.
♪ A lot of shoes ♪
♪ We're throwing shoes ♪
♪ A lot of rice ♪
♪ It's all so ni... ♪
(screams)
Peter, it was really
close to my eye!
Relax, Joe.
I'm nowhere near your eye.
Hey, Joe, open your eye.
(screaming)
Gotcha.
What the hell, Peter?!
You shot him in the eye!
Keep singing, you.
And keep your chin up,
so I can see your throat.
No, no screw this!
You're a jerk!
Jerk? What kind of a way is that
to talk to your friend
who gives you money?
Go to hell, Peter!
We don't need
your money!
And we don't need
friends like you!
Yeah! We're out of here!
Fine, go on. I don't care.
I don't need you, I got money!
You know, Peter,
you used to be a great guy.
But ever since
you won that lottery...
(screaming)
Come on, Joe!
(bleep) this guy!
Aah!
I'm here to audition
for Fiddler on the Roof.
Come right in.
Peter, my God, what the
hell are you wearing?
It's a solid gold
tuxedo, Lois.
I had to fight three rappers
down at the Nonsense Store
for this.
Look, Peter, this
is not who we are.
I'm worried the money
is changing this family,
and not the
way you hoped.
Well, I was hoping it would make
you shut up, so you're right.
You know, I spoke to
Bonnie this morning,
and she said you haven't talked
to Joe or Quagmire in two weeks.
Who cares?
I don't need Quagmire.
And I certainly don't need Joe.
I got Money Joe.
(laughs)
That's a good one, Money Joe!
I don't like what this money
is doing to us.
It's even affecting
Brian and Stewie.
(yawns)
I think I'm gonna
take a nap.
What, here?
Yeah, I had a giant mobile
put in the sky so I can
sleep wherever I want.
(mobile playing soft music)
(sighs)
This is nice.
I hope that bear
comes around soon.
That's sort of my fave--
Oh, look, the bear!
And it's not just them.
Chris has also been developing
some very expensive tastes.
Model glue, sir?
Well, what do
we have today?
Today we have a recent vintage
procured just this morning
from Michael's Hobby Shop.
Yes, that's
very nice.
Bring me my
finest rag.
Your fancy rag, sir.
You are relieved
for the evening.
(inhales deeply)
You don't see
poor people doing this!
Lois, don't you understand?
We don't got any of
our old problems anymore.
We don't have to worry
about paying bills,
we don't have to worry
about saving dough.
All we got to do
is enjoy ourselves.
Interested?
(gasps)
Oh, my God.
Peter, it's
beautiful!
Is it a blood
diamond?
Ah, the bloodiest.
The two kids who found it were
forced to murder each other.
Oh, Peter,
I love it.
Hey, you want to watch a DVD
of the murder while we do it?
I already watched it
eight times,
so I know exactly
which part I want to blam at.
Chris, Meg, now that
I'm a rich father,
you will try to impress me,
and I will remain distant.
Go.
Um, say, Dad,
did I tell you
I got second place
in the yacht race?
Hmm. Sounds like
somebody's dad
is happier than
me right now.
Well, um, how about this, Dad?
The school paper is
doing a story about me.
That's because I
had it arranged.
Uh, I was thinking about
joining the Army?
No.
Meg, as a girl, your
life holds no merit.
And, Chris, try as you
may, you will never be
as good as your older
brother who died.
He was good at
sports and talking.
Now, pardon me
while I look at scrimshaw
through a magnifying glass.
Ah, brave men all.
Lost sons of New Bedford.
That's good scrimshaw.
Ah, I never thought
I'd be having high tea
at the Park Barrington
every single day.
Yes, it's nice to eat in a sea
of white faces, isn't it?
Waiter, have the chef prepare
a bucket of your finest caviar,
and then give it
a helicopter tour of the city.
Very good, sir.
Very good indeed.
I hope it enjoys it as much as
that Maine lobster I ordered.
And over there is the
Rhode Island State House,
the second largest
self-supporting marble dome
in North America.
Why the (bleep)
am I doing this?
I could've just
said I did it.
Sir, about
your bill...
Oh, don't worry, Carstairs,
there's ample gratuity
on there for you.
(chuckles):
Nyah.
Well, actually, sir, your
card has been declined.
(laughs):
Oh, really?
Well, I'm sure a brief call
to my accountant
will resolve this
to our mutual satisfaction.
Hello, Schnozzenstein?
This is Peter Griffin.
There seems to be
some issue with our credit.
I told Carstairs
you'd set everything straight.
What do you mean I'm broke?!
What about all that money
I sent to the Gayman Islands?
They did what with it?!
No, I don't want it back!
I'm gonna miss you,
Carstairs.
I shall miss
you, too, sir.
With no one to look after,
Carstairs fell into
a deep depression
from which he never emerged.
He died two weeks later.
Some say of a broken heart.
What, sir?
But that was Carstairs.
I can't believe it.
We lost everything.
What do we do now?
Well, seems like our
only hope is the lottery.
Holy (bleep), we won twice and
we're right back here again.
We had $150 million, and
we blew through it in a month.
Yeah, but on the bright side,
if this hadn't happened,
we never would've met Kyle.
Hey.
Hello. Hey there.
Hi. What's up?
And that's not even Kyle.
Peter, we can't
live like this.
Well, what are we
supposed to do, Lois?
Everything we
had is gone!
We have friends, Peter.
Not anymore, we don't.
They're good people.
They'll listen.
And they'll care
what happens to us,
even after everything
that's happened.
You know, I'm still young
enough you can drop me
at the fire station,
no questions asked.
Well, well.
Look who it is.
Who is it?
It's me, Peter.
I'm standing
right here.
This is a glass eye, Peter.
They had to remove
the one you shot.
Oh, boy, that whole
day was a mess, huh?
What happened to you, anyway?
You look terrible.
Look, you guys,
I messed up bad.
Winning the lottery
was the worst thing
that ever happened
to me and my family.
I thought being rich
would solve all my problems,
but all it did was make me
forget what was important.
Like who my real friends are.
I don't expect
you to forgive me,
but if, for some reason, you do,
you can find me
in a cardboard box on the corner
of Meeting and Thayer.
Peter, wait.
That corner's
a bit of a hike for me.
I'd rather just
come see you at home.
What-- where'd you get
this kind of money?
The penis enlargement pill you
gave me the startup money for.
It turned a pretty nice profit.
I guess it's only fair
that I give you my percentage
so you can get your house back.
Quagmire, I don't know
what to say.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
And if it makes you feel better,
it was money well spent.
Just ask Sandra
the waitress over there.
We had a great time
last night.
PETER:
Tough girl.
Made it into work.
Boy, I got to say,
it's good to be home.
Yeah. Despite all
the ups and downs,
things turned out for the best.
I mean, really, we're no worse
off than we were before.
Plus, we learned something.
And you can't
put a price on that.
Look, Lois, we all know
what happened.
We're all depressed.
All right, let's just
go to different rooms
and stare blankly
out the window, saying nothing.
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
Congratulations to
tonight's sweepstakes winner,
Daniel San Martin Marrero.
MODEL: Shapes.
Shut up.
that all you see ♪
♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ♪
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪
♪ On which we used to rely? ♪
♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
♪ Lucky there's a man
who positively can do... ♪
Uh, uh, hold it.
Hold it.
What-what...
what's going on here?
I'm pregnant.
You...
you're what?
Yeah.
We're in the middle
of a thing here.
Well, you didn't return
any of my texts.
So what-what...
so what's going on?
You-you... you want, like,
a... a ride to the place?
Peter, what's
going on?
What's going on, Lois,
is that this girl
is obviously not well,
and I have just learned
that she's been stealing
from the show,
and she should probably
be escorted out of the building.
♪ Family Guy 10x01 ♪
Lottery Fever
Original Air Date on September 25, 2011
♪ Nah, nah ♪
♪ Family Guy. ♪
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
ANNOUNCER (over TV):
We now return
to Star Trek II: The Wrath
of Khan, edited for goats.
KHAN (over speaker):
Marooned for all eternity
in the center of a dead planet.
Buried alive.
Buried alive.
(bleating)
Lois, I need $28,000.
For what?
I've decided I want to open
a sushi restaurant.
What do you know
about sushi?
I don't care
about the sushi.
I just want to yell at customers
when they walk in the door.
(speaking faux Japanese)
Here comes a black guy!
Peter, you're not
getting money
for that or
anything else.
We're running seriously
low on cash right now.
In fact, I may have to
get my own full-time job.
Geez. Are we really living
that close to the edge?
You know we
are, Brian.
Why do you think
we waited so long
to take you to the
groomer's last month?
Hey, isn't it time for me
to get a haircut?
Oh, no. I think
you just got one.
Are you sure?
'Cause I feel like
my nails are really long.
Yeah, I'll check,
but I'm pretty sure
it's not for another
couple of weeks.
(panting)
What day is this?
Like it or not, we're
going to have to start
living on a strict
budget for a while.
Good evening. I'm Tom Tucker,
and this is...
♪ News... ♪
I thought you were going
to sing with me, Joyce.
Okay. Our top
story tonight.
The Rhode Island
State Lottery
has climbed to a record
$150 million jackpot.
That's right, Tom.
Powerball fever has
officially gripped Quahog.
We sent Channel Five News
Asian correspondent
Tricia Takanawa around town
to get the public reaction.
Mayor West, what do you plan
to do if you win the lottery?
Well, I'd finally
splurge and buy myself
one of those fancy
four-piece suits.
I'd like to join
your country club.
I assume that won't
be a problem.
And how about you,
every Persian guy in the world?
ALL:
White BMW.
There you go, Lois.
That's the answer right there.
We'll just win the lottery.
In fact, I'm going to go buy
my winning ticket right now.
Peter, what's wrong?
It's, uh, nothing.
I'm just going
to wait a minute.
There's teenagers
in skinny jeans out there.
Everyone, I got big news.
We are going
to be rich.
Oh, my God, Peter.
There are thousands of
lottery tickets here.
Where did you get the
money for all these?
Simple. I took out a second
mortgage on the house.
What?!
Peter, this is idiotic.
Your odds of winning
are like 100 million to one.
Don't you know the lottery
is just a tax on stupid people?
Would you be saying
that if the prize
was 150 million bags of
the neighbor's garbage?
But it's not.
I mean... I mean, is it?
It's... that-that is an
unrealistic, unfair question.
Peter, Brian's right.
How can you be
so irresponsible?
You take these tickets
back right now.
No way, Lois.
We're going to win.
I got lots of good
karma built up
from doing those
USO shows.
(laughter)
So, apparently, they found
a weapon of mass destruction--
my putter.
(laughter)
All right, boys.
Go get 'em over there.
And now, please welcome
Mr. Bruce Jenner.
(cheering and applause)
(jazzy burlesque music plays)
(sailors cheering and whistling)
Just wanted to
remind you fellas
what you're all
fighting for.
Okay, this is
it, you guys.
They're going to announce
the winning lottery numbers.
Time for the Griffin family
to meet its destiny.
When we lose,
I'm getting a divorce.
Understood.
We're here live in our studio
where a checkout girl
in a cheap dress
who wants to be a model
is ready to draw
the winning numbers.
"E!"
TUCKER: That's
a three, honey.
Turn it around.
This.
Thirty-one.
Spooky ghost mouth.
That's a zero.
Snowman.
Eight.
Two sailboats.
Forty-four.
Seventeen.
No, that's...
Oh, yes, that is 17.
She's good at 17.
Well, folks,
those are our winning numbers.
Good luck to all of our...
Twenty-four!
No, that's it. We're done.
Anyone watching,
do not count 24.
Pancakes!
Okay, I don't know
what she's doing now.
Somebody turn the machine off.
N-Nikki, Nikki, that's good.
That's good.
Go... go wait in my car.
All right, you did good.
Going to take her
to Walt's Roast Beef.
All right, kids,
we got 200,000
lottery tickets
we got to check.
All right, how do you
want to do this?
A static shot of the house
where night turns into day
or a montage song that
over-explains what we're doing?
Um, that
second one
sounds like it
could be funny.
♪ ♪
♪ Checking lottery tickets ♪
♪ Looking at the numbers ♪
♪ And seeing if they match
the ones on the news ♪
♪ If they do,
then we're winners ♪
♪ If they don't,
then we put them ♪
♪ In the designated pile ♪
♪ For tickets
we already checked ♪
♪ This is taking forever ♪
♪ That's why Brian is yawning ♪
♪ And Stewie's
rubbing his eyes ♪
♪ The montage is almost over ♪
♪ That's why the music
and the vocals ♪
♪ Are fading out right now. ♪
Well, that's it.
Three days wasted looking
through 200,000 lottery tickets.
Those weren't
the lottery tickets.
That was a test.
These are
the lottery tickets.
Is this another test?
Yes.
These aren't the real
lottery tickets, either.
These are the real
lottery tickets.
So, in addition to buying
200,000 lottery tickets,
you had 400,000 fake ones
printed up?
I had to be sure.
Oh, my God. We won!
What?
Let me see that.
Yes! We won the lottery!
I'm getting a penis butler.
Sir?
All right, butle
my penis. Butle it!
This is awesome.
Now that we're rich,
our lives are going
to be so much better.
You sure it was
such a good idea
to cash that
lottery check?
It seems foolish to have
all this money lying around.
Oh, you'd rather have
it down at the bank
where the Jewish
guys can leer at it?
Yeah!
All right!
Money!
(whistling)
Whoo-hoo!
Whoo!
(phone rings)
Hello?
CARTER: Did you blow all your money yet?
No, Daddy.
All right. Call me
when you blow all your money.
Love you. Bye.
All right, so how are we
going to spend our winnings?
I'm going to get some
supermarket fried chicken
and eat it until I'm nauseous.
I'm going to finally get my gal
that doodad she's been wantin'!
I'm going to get a floor mirror
to squat over
and see what's making
all that noise.
Okay, everybody
just calm down.
We're not going to go crazy
spending our winnings,
and we're not going to let
this money change us.
What are you talking about?
This money is our ticket
to the good life, starting now.
I just bought a giant room
full of gold coins,
and I'm going to dive into it
like Scrooge McDuck.
(drumroll)
Aah! It's not a liquid!
It's a great many pieces
of solid matter
that form a hard,
floor-like surface!
Aah!
Peter, what are you
doing here?
Shouldn't you
be at work?
I quit my job, Lois.
You what?
Yeah, we're rich now.
I don't need to be working.
Ah, you should've
been there, Lois.
I told Angela what she could do
with that job,
just like I always fantasized.
Angela, I just want
to thank you
for several extremely
pleasurable years
working for this
corporation.
Uh, certain
unexpected developments
have created
a situation
where I am no longer
in need of employment.
Uh, I would be
remiss, however,
if I did not extend
my gratitude to you
for your unwavering
fairness and belief in me,
and there is a giant poo
on your desk.
Hey, Horace,
another round for everybody.
(patrons cheering)
Gosh, Peter,
you're really
being generous
with your money.
Hey, what's the point
of being rich
if you can't share it
with your pals, huh?
Okay, wait,
I-I got one.
Who would you
rather do?
Susan Boyle
or a sex doll
that's been passed
around a fraternity?
Well, have they been
cleaning the doll?
Please, these guys are Betas--
they're total animals.
Hey, I got
one, Peter.
What would you
rather do?
Tread water where
you are right now
or increase your
net worth fivefold
within the next
18 months?
Huh?
What? I... what are you
talking about?
Well, my friend Marty
is a whiz with chemistry,
and he says
he's come up
with a new penis
enlargement pill,
and if we can bankroll him
$100,000 in startup money,
he'll triple our
investment in a year.
Well, uh...
gee, I-I'm... I don't, uh...
Peter, I've taken
the liberty
of mocking up some
sales projections.
Wow, that's pretty good.
And this would be
our net profits.
Yikes.
You know, Peter, uh,
Bonnie's birthday is coming up,
and I'll be gol-darned
if I didn't go ahead and
promise her that Stevie Nicks
would come to our house
and sing three songs to her.
(chuckling):
Boy, do I got a big mouth, huh?
Yeah, if you're going to open
your mouth with the missus,
stick to kisses, huh?
(laughs)
(both laughing)
What neat humor.
What neat humor.
So what do say, Peter?
Can you help us out?
Of course I can, you dope.
We're pals, right?
There you go.
Hey, Horace,
give us
three shots
of your best bourbon.
And have that Russian waiter
I like bring it over.
(jaunty intro plays)
♪ La la la la la
la la la la la la ♪
♪ Trololo ♪
♪ La la la la la
la la la la la la ♪
♪ Ho ho ho ho ho ♪
♪ Ho ho ho ho ho ♪
♪ Ho ho ho ho ho ♪
♪ Ho ho ho ho ho ♪
♪ La la la la la la
la la la la la la ♪
♪ La la la la la
la la la la la ♪
♪ Ah la la la ♪
♪ La la la la la la ♪
♪ La la la la la ♪
♪ Bop ba da da da da da da da ♪
♪ La la la la la la. ♪
Boy, you wouldn't guess
from that smile
that all his kids
were stillborn, huh?
All right, well,
thanks again, Peter.
I got to head out.
I told my mother I'd visit
her in the hospital.
Yeah, and I got to work.
I'm flying a leg
to Minneapolis tonight.
Oh.
Yeah, I-I-I understand.
You... you've got
other things to do.
I-I just wrote you guys
a couple of checks,
but no, you... you-you-you
do your things.
What?
No, I mean, I-I'm just saying,
I-I thought friends hang out,
do things with each other.
You know,
especially when one friend
gives the other friends
a whole bunch of money.
Oh. Well, I guess I
could stick around.
Yeah, and I-I guess
the co-pilot can fly the plane.
She's a woman and passengers
are usually okay with that.
I once saw a
deodorant commercial
that had a
woman pilot.
That's more like it.
From now on, we're all gonna do
whatever I want to do.
'Cause I'm the one
with the dough.
Okay, I guess that's fair.
Good.
'Cause what I want to do is
stay here, get drunk
and watch TV.
ANNOUNCER: We now return to Michael
McDonald During Allergy Season.
(gasping):
Haa...
Haa-haa...
Haa-haa-haa-haa-haa...
Haa...
(sneezes):
♪ Haa-chu! ♪
Hey, Peter, you wanted me
to watch the entire first season
of True Blood and come show you
where there was boob?
That's right, I
don't want to see
any actual True
Blood, just boob.
Yeah, well, I found some.
No!
Anna Paquin boob does
not count as real boob!
That's like looking
at a 12-year-old boy.
Geez. Y-You should
know that, Joe!
You should
definitely know that!
Sorry, Peter.
Sorry doesn't show me
nipples worth seeing!
And as for you, Anna, you're
dreadful and so is the program.
I didn't write it.
Yeah, but you know
the people who do.
That Alan Ball--
you know him, right?
Yeah.
How come everything
he writes
is so dreary?
I don't know.
Tell him to cheer up!
Things ain't so bad!
This is a weird episode.
Okay, Quagmire, I want you
to take the first bite
out of this fudge pop,
because that first bite
is the one that really hurts.
Well, okay.
(grunting)
Ah! Ow!
Ow!
Yeah, that's right "Ow."
Now, you swallow that.
Don't you dare spit that out.
What's the
difference?
You got what
you wanted.
I said swallow it!
(gulps)
Now, smear what's
left of it on your face
and look at me
with your mouth open.
Look at yourself,
you filthy whore.
I don't even
want this now.
Okay, guys, now you're gonna do
a synchronized duet
of "Makin' Whoopee" while
I shoot you with this BB gun.
That doesn't
sound safe.
Action!
(piano playing)
♪ Another bride ♪
♪ She looks so gay ♪
♪ Another June ♪
♪ Oh, what a day ♪
♪ Another sunny
honeymoon ♪
♪ Hip hip hoor... ♪
(screams)
♪ Another seas... ♪
(screams)
♪ Another reason ♪
♪ For making whoopee ♪
Look, you aren't gonna shoot us
in the eye, are you, Peter?
Oh, no, Joe.
I wouldn't try
to shoot you in the eye.
♪ A lot of shoes ♪
♪ We're throwing shoes ♪
♪ A lot of rice ♪
♪ It's all so ni... ♪
(screams)
Peter, it was really
close to my eye!
Relax, Joe.
I'm nowhere near your eye.
Hey, Joe, open your eye.
(screaming)
Gotcha.
What the hell, Peter?!
You shot him in the eye!
Keep singing, you.
And keep your chin up,
so I can see your throat.
No, no screw this!
You're a jerk!
Jerk? What kind of a way is that
to talk to your friend
who gives you money?
Go to hell, Peter!
We don't need
your money!
And we don't need
friends like you!
Yeah! We're out of here!
Fine, go on. I don't care.
I don't need you, I got money!
You know, Peter,
you used to be a great guy.
But ever since
you won that lottery...
(screaming)
Come on, Joe!
(bleep) this guy!
Aah!
I'm here to audition
for Fiddler on the Roof.
Come right in.
Peter, my God, what the
hell are you wearing?
It's a solid gold
tuxedo, Lois.
I had to fight three rappers
down at the Nonsense Store
for this.
Look, Peter, this
is not who we are.
I'm worried the money
is changing this family,
and not the
way you hoped.
Well, I was hoping it would make
you shut up, so you're right.
You know, I spoke to
Bonnie this morning,
and she said you haven't talked
to Joe or Quagmire in two weeks.
Who cares?
I don't need Quagmire.
And I certainly don't need Joe.
I got Money Joe.
(laughs)
That's a good one, Money Joe!
I don't like what this money
is doing to us.
It's even affecting
Brian and Stewie.
(yawns)
I think I'm gonna
take a nap.
What, here?
Yeah, I had a giant mobile
put in the sky so I can
sleep wherever I want.
(mobile playing soft music)
(sighs)
This is nice.
I hope that bear
comes around soon.
That's sort of my fave--
Oh, look, the bear!
And it's not just them.
Chris has also been developing
some very expensive tastes.
Model glue, sir?
Well, what do
we have today?
Today we have a recent vintage
procured just this morning
from Michael's Hobby Shop.
Yes, that's
very nice.
Bring me my
finest rag.
Your fancy rag, sir.
You are relieved
for the evening.
(inhales deeply)
You don't see
poor people doing this!
Lois, don't you understand?
We don't got any of
our old problems anymore.
We don't have to worry
about paying bills,
we don't have to worry
about saving dough.
All we got to do
is enjoy ourselves.
Interested?
(gasps)
Oh, my God.
Peter, it's
beautiful!
Is it a blood
diamond?
Ah, the bloodiest.
The two kids who found it were
forced to murder each other.
Oh, Peter,
I love it.
Hey, you want to watch a DVD
of the murder while we do it?
I already watched it
eight times,
so I know exactly
which part I want to blam at.
Chris, Meg, now that
I'm a rich father,
you will try to impress me,
and I will remain distant.
Go.
Um, say, Dad,
did I tell you
I got second place
in the yacht race?
Hmm. Sounds like
somebody's dad
is happier than
me right now.
Well, um, how about this, Dad?
The school paper is
doing a story about me.
That's because I
had it arranged.
Uh, I was thinking about
joining the Army?
No.
Meg, as a girl, your
life holds no merit.
And, Chris, try as you
may, you will never be
as good as your older
brother who died.
He was good at
sports and talking.
Now, pardon me
while I look at scrimshaw
through a magnifying glass.
Ah, brave men all.
Lost sons of New Bedford.
That's good scrimshaw.
Ah, I never thought
I'd be having high tea
at the Park Barrington
every single day.
Yes, it's nice to eat in a sea
of white faces, isn't it?
Waiter, have the chef prepare
a bucket of your finest caviar,
and then give it
a helicopter tour of the city.
Very good, sir.
Very good indeed.
I hope it enjoys it as much as
that Maine lobster I ordered.
And over there is the
Rhode Island State House,
the second largest
self-supporting marble dome
in North America.
Why the (bleep)
am I doing this?
I could've just
said I did it.
Sir, about
your bill...
Oh, don't worry, Carstairs,
there's ample gratuity
on there for you.
(chuckles):
Nyah.
Well, actually, sir, your
card has been declined.
(laughs):
Oh, really?
Well, I'm sure a brief call
to my accountant
will resolve this
to our mutual satisfaction.
Hello, Schnozzenstein?
This is Peter Griffin.
There seems to be
some issue with our credit.
I told Carstairs
you'd set everything straight.
What do you mean I'm broke?!
What about all that money
I sent to the Gayman Islands?
They did what with it?!
No, I don't want it back!
I'm gonna miss you,
Carstairs.
I shall miss
you, too, sir.
With no one to look after,
Carstairs fell into
a deep depression
from which he never emerged.
He died two weeks later.
Some say of a broken heart.
What, sir?
But that was Carstairs.
I can't believe it.
We lost everything.
What do we do now?
Well, seems like our
only hope is the lottery.
Holy (bleep), we won twice and
we're right back here again.
We had $150 million, and
we blew through it in a month.
Yeah, but on the bright side,
if this hadn't happened,
we never would've met Kyle.
Hey.
Hello. Hey there.
Hi. What's up?
And that's not even Kyle.
Peter, we can't
live like this.
Well, what are we
supposed to do, Lois?
Everything we
had is gone!
We have friends, Peter.
Not anymore, we don't.
They're good people.
They'll listen.
And they'll care
what happens to us,
even after everything
that's happened.
You know, I'm still young
enough you can drop me
at the fire station,
no questions asked.
Well, well.
Look who it is.
Who is it?
It's me, Peter.
I'm standing
right here.
This is a glass eye, Peter.
They had to remove
the one you shot.
Oh, boy, that whole
day was a mess, huh?
What happened to you, anyway?
You look terrible.
Look, you guys,
I messed up bad.
Winning the lottery
was the worst thing
that ever happened
to me and my family.
I thought being rich
would solve all my problems,
but all it did was make me
forget what was important.
Like who my real friends are.
I don't expect
you to forgive me,
but if, for some reason, you do,
you can find me
in a cardboard box on the corner
of Meeting and Thayer.
Peter, wait.
That corner's
a bit of a hike for me.
I'd rather just
come see you at home.
What-- where'd you get
this kind of money?
The penis enlargement pill you
gave me the startup money for.
It turned a pretty nice profit.
I guess it's only fair
that I give you my percentage
so you can get your house back.
Quagmire, I don't know
what to say.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
And if it makes you feel better,
it was money well spent.
Just ask Sandra
the waitress over there.
We had a great time
last night.
PETER:
Tough girl.
Made it into work.
Boy, I got to say,
it's good to be home.
Yeah. Despite all
the ups and downs,
things turned out for the best.
I mean, really, we're no worse
off than we were before.
Plus, we learned something.
And you can't
put a price on that.
Look, Lois, we all know
what happened.
We're all depressed.
All right, let's just
go to different rooms
and stare blankly
out the window, saying nothing.
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
Congratulations to
tonight's sweepstakes winner,
Daniel San Martin Marrero.
MODEL: Shapes.
Shut up.