Family Guy (1998–…): Season 10, Episode 2 - Seahorse Seashell Party - full transcript
As a hurricane hits Quahog, Brian gets high on mushrooms; Meg finally summons up the courage to confront the family.
(SINGING) It seems today that all you see
ls violence in movies and sex an TV
But where are those
good old-fashioned values
On which we used to rely?
Lucky there 's a family guy
Lucky there's a man who
positively can do
All the things that make us
Laugh and cry
He 's a family guy
(WIND HOWLING)
Our tap story tonight,
we continue to track the progress
of Hurricane Flozell.
The National Weather Service
has issued a Severe Hurricane Advisory,
and is urging everyone to stay indoors
for at least the next 3b' hours.
No! What happened?
The wind must have knocked
the satellite dish loose.
Oh, crap.
And I was going to watch G.l. Jose.
(GROANS)
Oh, no! You cut your forehead!
What do we do?
(IN SPANISH ACCENT)
Hey, kids, if you have an open wound,
get some dirt or kitty litter
and rub it in there to stop the bleeding.
Then get some sleep
and wait for the body to heal itself.
Now we know.
And like I always say,
"Remember, you know enough."
(SINGING) G.I. Jose
Nice.
STEWIE: Brian, what are you doing?
Oh, geez, Stewie.
Scared the crap out of me.
Whatcha got there?
(SIGHS) Okay, l'll tell you,
but you can't tell anyone.
All right?
You have to be really cool about this.
Yeah, of course.
These are mushrooms.
It's a psychedelic drug.
Makes you see weird things
and feel happy for a few hours.
I figure we're going to be stuck inside
for a while with this storm, so,
it'll be a fun way to pass the time.
- Okay.
- Are you gonna be cool?
Oh, yeah, l'm totally cool about that.
(STUTTERS) I have a lot of friends who do it,
and they're willing to do it
around me all the time,
because they know l'm so cool about it,
and I don't judge them.
So, you know, go ahead...
Well, here we go.
Yup, that's what my friends say, too.
"Well, here we go."
Oh, dude, I think I can feel it, too.
L'm getting a context high.
L'm bored.
Yeah, this sucks.
What are we supposed to do all day?
Well, how about we play charades?
Ooh, yeah. Okay. Me first! Me first!
Okay, it's a movie. All right? Movie. Movie.
Peter, there's no talking in charades.
Okay, sorry, sorry. Okay.
(WHISPERS) Movie.
- Peter!
- Sorry. Sorry.
-(MUMBLING) Okay, one word.
- Peter, you're still talking!
Okay, okay. Right, right, right.
Fletch.
- Is it Fletch?
- It is Fletch.
What do you wanna do now?
I got an idea.
How about you all sit there quietly
while I make dad noises?
(CLEARS THROAT)
(SUCKING)
(EXHALES)
(INHALES)
(EXHALES)
(COUGHS)
(CLEARS THROAT)
(COUGHS LOUDLY)
(CLEARS THROAT)
Ah.
(YAWNS)
(BURPS) Schumai.
(INHALES DEEPLY)
(EXHALES)
Oh.
(GRUNTS)
Right over their head.
I gotta go to the john.
Boy, the rain's really coming down.
I know, l've never seen anything like it.
But it's kinda nice for us all
to be together like this, huh?
(MYSTICAL MUSIC PLAYING)
(SLURPING)
(PLAYING SOOTHING TUNE)
So, what do you guys wanna do now?
Oh, hey, I know! Let's play finger-bang.
Bang! Bang!
l'm gonna finger-bang you, Chris.
(LAUGHS) Not ifl finger-bang
you first, Dad!
Bang! Bang!
I'm gonna finger-bang
the two of you at the same time.
- Bang! Bang!
- Hey, me, too! Bang!
No one wants to get
finger-banged by you, Meg.
Why don't you just go
finger-bang yourself, Meg?
I think l'm gonna be sick.
Brian?
I'm gonna cut my ear off
to prevent World War ll.
(SCREAMS) Oh, God! Oh, God!
(GRUNTS)
l wonder...
Ah-ha!
(BRIAN SHIVERING)
What the hell were you trying to do, man?
Those mushrooms are messing you up!
Lesbians and deafwomen
wear the same clothes.
Yeah, yeah, they sure do, buddy.
All right, just stay calm, Brian.
You'll get through this.
I mean, you got through seeing
Lady Gaga naked.
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
Okay, five minutes, Miss Ga...gina big!
And I will be right back with your Evian.
Don't worry, Brian.
L'm gonna stay by your side all night.
All right?
Shh. Shh.
It's okay.
It's okay. Do you like my soothing voice?
(DISTORTED) Do you like
my soothing voice?
(STUTTERS) Return the map.
(STUTTERS) Return what you have
stolen from me.
(SCREAMS)
No!
(YAWNS)
Oh! Hey, I got an idea.
Let's have a sing-along.
Okay, l'm gonna sing
the opening chase music
from Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade.
Feel free to join in.
-(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
-(VOCALIZING IN TUNE)
(CONTINUES VOCALIZING)
Damn it, Meg! Will you stop that?
That is so annoying!
(SCOFFS) Oh! That was annoying?
What about your stupid,
obnoxious humming?
Meg, don't talk to your father like that!
Yeah, shut up, Meg.
No! You shut up, Chris!
Iam sick ofall you guys ganging up on me!
You guys all think
you're so much better than me!
Oh, Meg. That is the least fancy thing
I have ever heard.
(SHIVERING)
Shh! There, there, there. Everything's
gonna be fine. You're all right.
I think l'm... I think l'm dying.
Jane Fonda.
(STUTTERS) ls that? ls that right?
Yeah, that's right, buddy.
Totally Jane Fonda.
It's gonna be okay.
Your pal Stewie is right here.
(DISTORTED) Just relax...
(IN DEEP VOICE) Andget some rest...
(COUGHS)
(SCREECHES)
(GIANT STOMPING)
(WHISPERS) Brian.
Hide!
PETER: (SINGING IN AGONY)
The wheels an the bus go
Round and round
Round and round
Round and round
The wheels an the bus go
Hound and round
Peanut!
All through the town
(VOCALIZING)
(EERILY) Peeper...
(BEE GRUNTS)
(GROANS)
(SCREAMS)
(BEES BUZZING)
(BRIAN SCREAMS)
(HISSING) Wanna have sex?
(GASPS)
(INDISTINCT HUMMING)
Groggety! (SHRIEKS)
(SHRIEKING)
(GRUNTS)
(HISSING) Slip me some tongue.
Did you try the chicken, buddy?
MEG: I think you gave me worms, Brian.
(ROARS)
(BRIAN SCREAMS)
(DEMON LAUGHING)
-(THUDS)
-(FEEDBACK SCREECHING)
STEWIE: (LULLING) Brian.
Brian.
Brian.
Brian.
-(DISTORTED) Brian.
-(THUNDER RUMBLING)
- Brian.
- Uh...
Stewie.
- Stewie?
- Yeah, l'm right here.
Oh, my God. Your lip looks really weird.
Can we fix that?
Let's get that out of there. Ew.
Oh, l'm so thirsty.
Let's get you downstairs
so you can drink some water.
All right, let's go, buddy.
Let's get you some water.
-(BRIAN SLURPING)
- STEWIE: Okay, now, hold on. Hold on.
Let me put the bowl down first.
You're gonna spill it.
(BRIAN SLURPING)
STEWIE: Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Slow down. Slow down.
Look, Meg,
I don't know what your problem is.
I thought Dad's humming
was pretty entertaining.
You know what?
This is what l'm talking about.
This is a perfect example.
You're my brother.
You're supposed to be on my side,
and you're such a bastard to me.
How am I a bastard?
Oh, you want the full story?
- Meg, please.
- Not now, Mom.
-(BRIAN SLURPING)
-(SNIGGERS)
I think Brian's getting
a little water in there.
Chris, you treat me like you hate me,
and I don't know why.
You say hurtful things to me constantly.
Do you have any idea what that feels like?
What ifl said those things to you?
What ifl started calling you a fat,
zitty loser, who has no friends
and smells like an old woman
who has birds for pets?
(SNIGGERS) Still drinking.
Is it too much to ask to be treated
with a little decency from my brother?
Maybe show me some kind of kindness
by not jumping on the "Let's get Meg"
family bandwagon?
-(SLURPING STOPS)
- Oh!
All right, Meg, that's enough.
- You've had your little dramatic outburst.
-(BRIAN SLURPING)
(LAUGHING)
Hey, I got an idea, Mom.
How about we talk
about Chris' mother? Huh?
Why don't we talk about you?
Oh, for God's sake.
Look, let's not turn this
into some big thing, okay?
(PANTS)
Oh, God, that feels so much better.
You know, Brian, you may be a dog,
but you're a pretty cool cat.
(CHORUS SINGING)
Take it home with ya!
Hey... Hey, everyone.
I'm sensing a lot of negativity here.
What's going on?
Yes. You're right, Brian. There is.
Meg seems to think she's taking
some kind of stand here,
that's gonna make us all feel
like we're inadequate.
My God, you're condescending.
I'm making a legitimate point about
how poorly this family treats me.
Brian, you can't say this family
doesn't treat me like crap.
Don't answer her, Brian,
she's just setting you up.
(STUTTERS) I think Meg and Lois are right.
Well, it's one or the other, Brian.
Geez, look at those two.
They're goin' at each other
like an Italian guy and a black woman.
Hey, you can't park here!
Excuse me?
NARRATOR: Having been afficially
challenged by her natural enemy,
the black female prepares for combat
by taking affher many rings.
(INAUDIBLE)
Meanwhile, the Italian male looks around
to make sure the other Italian males
are indeed seeing what he is seeing.
Sensing the impending battle,
a flock of Jews flies quickly a way,
as a voiding confrontation
is the Jews 'best chance for survival.
(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
Man, you know, the hurricane's outside,
but l'll...
l'll tell you what,
The real storm's in here.
Okay.
The emotional storm.
Yeah, I know, I know what you meant.
Let's... Come here, come here.
Stewie'll take care of you,
you big drug-aroni.
Look, the bottom line here, Meg, is that
you're just taking your own problems
out on everyone else.
Oh. My problems?
Oh, I see.
ls this coming from my role model mother?
The shoplifter, the drug
addict, the porn star,
the whore who let Gene Simmons and
Bill Clinton climb inside her?
Oh, so what?
(STUTTERS) All those things
are behind me now.
I'm a better person now
because of those experiences.
Are you? Are you a better person?
What's your point, Meg?
My point is that with all the irresponsible,
reckless, idiotic behavior in your past,
that somehow, (SCOFFS)
somehow, you have the nerve,
the arrogance,
to consistently and ruthlessly
point out my shortcomings.
All right, well, fine, okay?
L'm not the perfect mother.
- Who is?
-(SCOFFS)
Not only are you not the perfect mother,
you're the furthest thing from.
From the moment you gave birth to me,
I had to trust you.
I had no choice.
I needed you to protect me from the world.
To...
To be my guide,
to help me navigate the difficult,
confusing and vulnerable
journey to becoming a person.
You have done none of those things.
You're my mother,
and you took a child's trust
and smashed it into bits
in a 17-year-long mission
to destroy something
that you killed a long time ago.
And honestly, when I turn 18,
I don't know that
lever want to see you again.
(SOBBING)
Oh, wow, everybody's already tweeting
"Stewie Just Said That."
You're right.
You're right. l'm a terrible mother.
I'm so sorry.
I'm so, so sorry, Meg.
Can you ever forgive me?
Oh, God.
(CONTINUES SOBBING)
(WHISPERING INAUDIBLY)
And you never let Dad
stir the paint anymore,
whatever that means.
I didn't know you knew that, Meg,
but l'm glad you brought it up.
Oh, Meg, I don't know what to say.
All of those things
you said about me are true.
I have been a very bad mother to you.
I have no excuse.
I just have this horrible, overwhelming
desire to point out faults in you.
I don't know where it comes from.
Maybe it's because l'm self-conscious
about being a bad parent.
I'm just, l'm so disgusted
with my behavior.
And l'm so sorry, Meg.
Yeah, you're a bitch.
Well, you know, l've been sorta just
hanging back here,
taking all this in, cause I didn't think
I had a dog in this fight,
but my money's on Harry Potter over there.
Oh, you think that's funny, fat ass?
Well, I don't know if it's funny.
I think it's clever.
(STUTTERS) I mean,
you got the big glasses there.
I don't know.
Tell me, tell me what's on your mind.
Oh, l'll tell you, Mr. Selfish-ass Dad.
Hey. That's Mister Mr. Selfish-ass Dad
to you, young lady.
Oh, God, is she gonna do me next?
You are completely selfish,
and totally irresponsible as a father.
All right, I see what's going on here.
You're in love with your old man.
You have no education,
You have no interests,
you just do whatever
reckless thing you want to do,
whenever you want to do it,
without regard for anyone else.
Oh! (SCOFFS)
And when you're not terrorizing the
community with your impulsive escapades,
you're being a total jerk to your family.
You shove your daughtefs face in your ass
-and you fart on it.
-(LAUGHS)
If someone in the outside world
could see the way you treat me,
you would be in jail!
-(LAUGHS)
- Oh. (SCOFFS)
Oh, this is amusing to you.
Well, see if you find this funny.
I like where this is going.
You're a fat, lazy, abusive,
blue-collar, Irish Catholic dad,
who drinks way too much
and barely makes enough money
to support his family.
You've lived half your life,
and you have nothing to show for it.
Your only arguable accomplishments
are your kids.
And look at us, we're a disaster.
Eh. Watch it.
You're a total and complete
embarrassment
in every possible way.
Take a good look at yourself, Peter Griffin.
You're a waste ofa man.
Wait a second,
these are criticisms.
Hey, Lois, tell her to knock it off.
Oh, and where the hell were you
when she was laying into me?
I was thinking about getting a fancy cane.
Maybe getting more attention
from strangers.
Have either of you guys
been listening to me?
Do you both just have your heads
up your asses?
Dad did! Look, he's got crap on his ears!
- That's unrelated.
- Chris, I don't like that language.
Well, I don't like your cooking.
Well, I don't like having to literally
empty the farts out of your pockets
whenever I do your laundry.
You're the one who's always cooking
Brussels sprouts and broccoli.
It's like an Irish bar fight down there.
You're from one town over,
so I hate your guts.
(BOTH GRUNTING)
Why don't we ever get any good food?
Yeah, Bonnie gives Joe Wonder Bread.
Well, then go live at Bonnie's house.
Then I could finally sleep in and not have
to answer your stupid questions at 5 a.m.
My curiosity peaks in the morning!
You eat all my Dannon yogurts!
I don't see your name on 'em!
You don't even like 'em!
But you know I do,
and you don't want me to have 'em.
You know, l've never confronted you on it,
but l've often thought
the same thing, Peter.
Yeah, that's exactly what he does!
'Cause he's a selfish, fat idiot!
You shut up, all of yous!
I didn't ask to be in this family!
(GROANS) l'll go get him.
Peter? You come back here!
I faked all my orgasms.
Hey.
What's going on?
You know, that was,
that was pretty cool the way you
finally stood up to everybody.
(SIGHS) I don't know, Brian.
I mean, I meant every word of it, but
- you saw what happened.
- What do you mean?
They all turned on each other
like a pack of wolves.
Well, so what? That's not your problem.
Do you think it's possible that...
That this family can't survive
without some sort of lightning rod
to absorb all the dysfunction?
Well, that's a...
That's a theory, I guess.
I mean, it's not ideal,
But it's an important piece that maybe
it's just my lot in life to provide.
Maybe ifl feel bad,
they don't have to.
Wow.
You know,
that's incredibly noble and mature, Meg.
You know, I think you might be
the strongest person in this house.
You mean that, Brian?
Absolutely.
Mom. Dad.
(PETER SOBBING)
- Dad?
.G0 away!
Dad, come out of there.
No! I don't deserve no better
than living with the shoes!
Peter, there you are.
You guys, I have something to say.
You're right.
- It's all my fault.
- What?
Mom, you're an amazing mother,
and all the things I said about you were
out of anger, and I didn't mean any of them.
Chris, you're an outstanding brother.
What I said about you was
more about me being a rotten sister.
And Dad, l'm so sorry that
I made you feel this way.
You don't deserve it.
None of you have done anything wrong.
I took all my problems out on you guys,
and that wasn't fair.
Oh! So this was all about you,
it wasn't about us.
- Yeah.
- All right, that makes sense.
See, I thought it was weird
that I was a bad dad.
Meg, how could you put us all
through that?
I'm sorry, you guys-
You're a fucking bitch!
Yes. Yes, I am.
Hi, l'm Stewie Griffin.
Tonight's Family Guy was a very
special episode about drug use.
But the simple fact is,
it's no laughing matter.
To learn more about drugs,
visit your local library.
There's probably a guy behind there
who sells drugs.
Good night.
ls violence in movies and sex an TV
But where are those
good old-fashioned values
On which we used to rely?
Lucky there 's a family guy
Lucky there's a man who
positively can do
All the things that make us
Laugh and cry
He 's a family guy
(WIND HOWLING)
Our tap story tonight,
we continue to track the progress
of Hurricane Flozell.
The National Weather Service
has issued a Severe Hurricane Advisory,
and is urging everyone to stay indoors
for at least the next 3b' hours.
No! What happened?
The wind must have knocked
the satellite dish loose.
Oh, crap.
And I was going to watch G.l. Jose.
(GROANS)
Oh, no! You cut your forehead!
What do we do?
(IN SPANISH ACCENT)
Hey, kids, if you have an open wound,
get some dirt or kitty litter
and rub it in there to stop the bleeding.
Then get some sleep
and wait for the body to heal itself.
Now we know.
And like I always say,
"Remember, you know enough."
(SINGING) G.I. Jose
Nice.
STEWIE: Brian, what are you doing?
Oh, geez, Stewie.
Scared the crap out of me.
Whatcha got there?
(SIGHS) Okay, l'll tell you,
but you can't tell anyone.
All right?
You have to be really cool about this.
Yeah, of course.
These are mushrooms.
It's a psychedelic drug.
Makes you see weird things
and feel happy for a few hours.
I figure we're going to be stuck inside
for a while with this storm, so,
it'll be a fun way to pass the time.
- Okay.
- Are you gonna be cool?
Oh, yeah, l'm totally cool about that.
(STUTTERS) I have a lot of friends who do it,
and they're willing to do it
around me all the time,
because they know l'm so cool about it,
and I don't judge them.
So, you know, go ahead...
Well, here we go.
Yup, that's what my friends say, too.
"Well, here we go."
Oh, dude, I think I can feel it, too.
L'm getting a context high.
L'm bored.
Yeah, this sucks.
What are we supposed to do all day?
Well, how about we play charades?
Ooh, yeah. Okay. Me first! Me first!
Okay, it's a movie. All right? Movie. Movie.
Peter, there's no talking in charades.
Okay, sorry, sorry. Okay.
(WHISPERS) Movie.
- Peter!
- Sorry. Sorry.
-(MUMBLING) Okay, one word.
- Peter, you're still talking!
Okay, okay. Right, right, right.
Fletch.
- Is it Fletch?
- It is Fletch.
What do you wanna do now?
I got an idea.
How about you all sit there quietly
while I make dad noises?
(CLEARS THROAT)
(SUCKING)
(EXHALES)
(INHALES)
(EXHALES)
(COUGHS)
(CLEARS THROAT)
(COUGHS LOUDLY)
(CLEARS THROAT)
Ah.
(YAWNS)
(BURPS) Schumai.
(INHALES DEEPLY)
(EXHALES)
Oh.
(GRUNTS)
Right over their head.
I gotta go to the john.
Boy, the rain's really coming down.
I know, l've never seen anything like it.
But it's kinda nice for us all
to be together like this, huh?
(MYSTICAL MUSIC PLAYING)
(SLURPING)
(PLAYING SOOTHING TUNE)
So, what do you guys wanna do now?
Oh, hey, I know! Let's play finger-bang.
Bang! Bang!
l'm gonna finger-bang you, Chris.
(LAUGHS) Not ifl finger-bang
you first, Dad!
Bang! Bang!
I'm gonna finger-bang
the two of you at the same time.
- Bang! Bang!
- Hey, me, too! Bang!
No one wants to get
finger-banged by you, Meg.
Why don't you just go
finger-bang yourself, Meg?
I think l'm gonna be sick.
Brian?
I'm gonna cut my ear off
to prevent World War ll.
(SCREAMS) Oh, God! Oh, God!
(GRUNTS)
l wonder...
Ah-ha!
(BRIAN SHIVERING)
What the hell were you trying to do, man?
Those mushrooms are messing you up!
Lesbians and deafwomen
wear the same clothes.
Yeah, yeah, they sure do, buddy.
All right, just stay calm, Brian.
You'll get through this.
I mean, you got through seeing
Lady Gaga naked.
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
Okay, five minutes, Miss Ga...gina big!
And I will be right back with your Evian.
Don't worry, Brian.
L'm gonna stay by your side all night.
All right?
Shh. Shh.
It's okay.
It's okay. Do you like my soothing voice?
(DISTORTED) Do you like
my soothing voice?
(STUTTERS) Return the map.
(STUTTERS) Return what you have
stolen from me.
(SCREAMS)
No!
(YAWNS)
Oh! Hey, I got an idea.
Let's have a sing-along.
Okay, l'm gonna sing
the opening chase music
from Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade.
Feel free to join in.
-(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
-(VOCALIZING IN TUNE)
(CONTINUES VOCALIZING)
Damn it, Meg! Will you stop that?
That is so annoying!
(SCOFFS) Oh! That was annoying?
What about your stupid,
obnoxious humming?
Meg, don't talk to your father like that!
Yeah, shut up, Meg.
No! You shut up, Chris!
Iam sick ofall you guys ganging up on me!
You guys all think
you're so much better than me!
Oh, Meg. That is the least fancy thing
I have ever heard.
(SHIVERING)
Shh! There, there, there. Everything's
gonna be fine. You're all right.
I think l'm... I think l'm dying.
Jane Fonda.
(STUTTERS) ls that? ls that right?
Yeah, that's right, buddy.
Totally Jane Fonda.
It's gonna be okay.
Your pal Stewie is right here.
(DISTORTED) Just relax...
(IN DEEP VOICE) Andget some rest...
(COUGHS)
(SCREECHES)
(GIANT STOMPING)
(WHISPERS) Brian.
Hide!
PETER: (SINGING IN AGONY)
The wheels an the bus go
Round and round
Round and round
Round and round
The wheels an the bus go
Hound and round
Peanut!
All through the town
(VOCALIZING)
(EERILY) Peeper...
(BEE GRUNTS)
(GROANS)
(SCREAMS)
(BEES BUZZING)
(BRIAN SCREAMS)
(HISSING) Wanna have sex?
(GASPS)
(INDISTINCT HUMMING)
Groggety! (SHRIEKS)
(SHRIEKING)
(GRUNTS)
(HISSING) Slip me some tongue.
Did you try the chicken, buddy?
MEG: I think you gave me worms, Brian.
(ROARS)
(BRIAN SCREAMS)
(DEMON LAUGHING)
-(THUDS)
-(FEEDBACK SCREECHING)
STEWIE: (LULLING) Brian.
Brian.
Brian.
Brian.
-(DISTORTED) Brian.
-(THUNDER RUMBLING)
- Brian.
- Uh...
Stewie.
- Stewie?
- Yeah, l'm right here.
Oh, my God. Your lip looks really weird.
Can we fix that?
Let's get that out of there. Ew.
Oh, l'm so thirsty.
Let's get you downstairs
so you can drink some water.
All right, let's go, buddy.
Let's get you some water.
-(BRIAN SLURPING)
- STEWIE: Okay, now, hold on. Hold on.
Let me put the bowl down first.
You're gonna spill it.
(BRIAN SLURPING)
STEWIE: Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Slow down. Slow down.
Look, Meg,
I don't know what your problem is.
I thought Dad's humming
was pretty entertaining.
You know what?
This is what l'm talking about.
This is a perfect example.
You're my brother.
You're supposed to be on my side,
and you're such a bastard to me.
How am I a bastard?
Oh, you want the full story?
- Meg, please.
- Not now, Mom.
-(BRIAN SLURPING)
-(SNIGGERS)
I think Brian's getting
a little water in there.
Chris, you treat me like you hate me,
and I don't know why.
You say hurtful things to me constantly.
Do you have any idea what that feels like?
What ifl said those things to you?
What ifl started calling you a fat,
zitty loser, who has no friends
and smells like an old woman
who has birds for pets?
(SNIGGERS) Still drinking.
Is it too much to ask to be treated
with a little decency from my brother?
Maybe show me some kind of kindness
by not jumping on the "Let's get Meg"
family bandwagon?
-(SLURPING STOPS)
- Oh!
All right, Meg, that's enough.
- You've had your little dramatic outburst.
-(BRIAN SLURPING)
(LAUGHING)
Hey, I got an idea, Mom.
How about we talk
about Chris' mother? Huh?
Why don't we talk about you?
Oh, for God's sake.
Look, let's not turn this
into some big thing, okay?
(PANTS)
Oh, God, that feels so much better.
You know, Brian, you may be a dog,
but you're a pretty cool cat.
(CHORUS SINGING)
Take it home with ya!
Hey... Hey, everyone.
I'm sensing a lot of negativity here.
What's going on?
Yes. You're right, Brian. There is.
Meg seems to think she's taking
some kind of stand here,
that's gonna make us all feel
like we're inadequate.
My God, you're condescending.
I'm making a legitimate point about
how poorly this family treats me.
Brian, you can't say this family
doesn't treat me like crap.
Don't answer her, Brian,
she's just setting you up.
(STUTTERS) I think Meg and Lois are right.
Well, it's one or the other, Brian.
Geez, look at those two.
They're goin' at each other
like an Italian guy and a black woman.
Hey, you can't park here!
Excuse me?
NARRATOR: Having been afficially
challenged by her natural enemy,
the black female prepares for combat
by taking affher many rings.
(INAUDIBLE)
Meanwhile, the Italian male looks around
to make sure the other Italian males
are indeed seeing what he is seeing.
Sensing the impending battle,
a flock of Jews flies quickly a way,
as a voiding confrontation
is the Jews 'best chance for survival.
(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
Man, you know, the hurricane's outside,
but l'll...
l'll tell you what,
The real storm's in here.
Okay.
The emotional storm.
Yeah, I know, I know what you meant.
Let's... Come here, come here.
Stewie'll take care of you,
you big drug-aroni.
Look, the bottom line here, Meg, is that
you're just taking your own problems
out on everyone else.
Oh. My problems?
Oh, I see.
ls this coming from my role model mother?
The shoplifter, the drug
addict, the porn star,
the whore who let Gene Simmons and
Bill Clinton climb inside her?
Oh, so what?
(STUTTERS) All those things
are behind me now.
I'm a better person now
because of those experiences.
Are you? Are you a better person?
What's your point, Meg?
My point is that with all the irresponsible,
reckless, idiotic behavior in your past,
that somehow, (SCOFFS)
somehow, you have the nerve,
the arrogance,
to consistently and ruthlessly
point out my shortcomings.
All right, well, fine, okay?
L'm not the perfect mother.
- Who is?
-(SCOFFS)
Not only are you not the perfect mother,
you're the furthest thing from.
From the moment you gave birth to me,
I had to trust you.
I had no choice.
I needed you to protect me from the world.
To...
To be my guide,
to help me navigate the difficult,
confusing and vulnerable
journey to becoming a person.
You have done none of those things.
You're my mother,
and you took a child's trust
and smashed it into bits
in a 17-year-long mission
to destroy something
that you killed a long time ago.
And honestly, when I turn 18,
I don't know that
lever want to see you again.
(SOBBING)
Oh, wow, everybody's already tweeting
"Stewie Just Said That."
You're right.
You're right. l'm a terrible mother.
I'm so sorry.
I'm so, so sorry, Meg.
Can you ever forgive me?
Oh, God.
(CONTINUES SOBBING)
(WHISPERING INAUDIBLY)
And you never let Dad
stir the paint anymore,
whatever that means.
I didn't know you knew that, Meg,
but l'm glad you brought it up.
Oh, Meg, I don't know what to say.
All of those things
you said about me are true.
I have been a very bad mother to you.
I have no excuse.
I just have this horrible, overwhelming
desire to point out faults in you.
I don't know where it comes from.
Maybe it's because l'm self-conscious
about being a bad parent.
I'm just, l'm so disgusted
with my behavior.
And l'm so sorry, Meg.
Yeah, you're a bitch.
Well, you know, l've been sorta just
hanging back here,
taking all this in, cause I didn't think
I had a dog in this fight,
but my money's on Harry Potter over there.
Oh, you think that's funny, fat ass?
Well, I don't know if it's funny.
I think it's clever.
(STUTTERS) I mean,
you got the big glasses there.
I don't know.
Tell me, tell me what's on your mind.
Oh, l'll tell you, Mr. Selfish-ass Dad.
Hey. That's Mister Mr. Selfish-ass Dad
to you, young lady.
Oh, God, is she gonna do me next?
You are completely selfish,
and totally irresponsible as a father.
All right, I see what's going on here.
You're in love with your old man.
You have no education,
You have no interests,
you just do whatever
reckless thing you want to do,
whenever you want to do it,
without regard for anyone else.
Oh! (SCOFFS)
And when you're not terrorizing the
community with your impulsive escapades,
you're being a total jerk to your family.
You shove your daughtefs face in your ass
-and you fart on it.
-(LAUGHS)
If someone in the outside world
could see the way you treat me,
you would be in jail!
-(LAUGHS)
- Oh. (SCOFFS)
Oh, this is amusing to you.
Well, see if you find this funny.
I like where this is going.
You're a fat, lazy, abusive,
blue-collar, Irish Catholic dad,
who drinks way too much
and barely makes enough money
to support his family.
You've lived half your life,
and you have nothing to show for it.
Your only arguable accomplishments
are your kids.
And look at us, we're a disaster.
Eh. Watch it.
You're a total and complete
embarrassment
in every possible way.
Take a good look at yourself, Peter Griffin.
You're a waste ofa man.
Wait a second,
these are criticisms.
Hey, Lois, tell her to knock it off.
Oh, and where the hell were you
when she was laying into me?
I was thinking about getting a fancy cane.
Maybe getting more attention
from strangers.
Have either of you guys
been listening to me?
Do you both just have your heads
up your asses?
Dad did! Look, he's got crap on his ears!
- That's unrelated.
- Chris, I don't like that language.
Well, I don't like your cooking.
Well, I don't like having to literally
empty the farts out of your pockets
whenever I do your laundry.
You're the one who's always cooking
Brussels sprouts and broccoli.
It's like an Irish bar fight down there.
You're from one town over,
so I hate your guts.
(BOTH GRUNTING)
Why don't we ever get any good food?
Yeah, Bonnie gives Joe Wonder Bread.
Well, then go live at Bonnie's house.
Then I could finally sleep in and not have
to answer your stupid questions at 5 a.m.
My curiosity peaks in the morning!
You eat all my Dannon yogurts!
I don't see your name on 'em!
You don't even like 'em!
But you know I do,
and you don't want me to have 'em.
You know, l've never confronted you on it,
but l've often thought
the same thing, Peter.
Yeah, that's exactly what he does!
'Cause he's a selfish, fat idiot!
You shut up, all of yous!
I didn't ask to be in this family!
(GROANS) l'll go get him.
Peter? You come back here!
I faked all my orgasms.
Hey.
What's going on?
You know, that was,
that was pretty cool the way you
finally stood up to everybody.
(SIGHS) I don't know, Brian.
I mean, I meant every word of it, but
- you saw what happened.
- What do you mean?
They all turned on each other
like a pack of wolves.
Well, so what? That's not your problem.
Do you think it's possible that...
That this family can't survive
without some sort of lightning rod
to absorb all the dysfunction?
Well, that's a...
That's a theory, I guess.
I mean, it's not ideal,
But it's an important piece that maybe
it's just my lot in life to provide.
Maybe ifl feel bad,
they don't have to.
Wow.
You know,
that's incredibly noble and mature, Meg.
You know, I think you might be
the strongest person in this house.
You mean that, Brian?
Absolutely.
Mom. Dad.
(PETER SOBBING)
- Dad?
.G0 away!
Dad, come out of there.
No! I don't deserve no better
than living with the shoes!
Peter, there you are.
You guys, I have something to say.
You're right.
- It's all my fault.
- What?
Mom, you're an amazing mother,
and all the things I said about you were
out of anger, and I didn't mean any of them.
Chris, you're an outstanding brother.
What I said about you was
more about me being a rotten sister.
And Dad, l'm so sorry that
I made you feel this way.
You don't deserve it.
None of you have done anything wrong.
I took all my problems out on you guys,
and that wasn't fair.
Oh! So this was all about you,
it wasn't about us.
- Yeah.
- All right, that makes sense.
See, I thought it was weird
that I was a bad dad.
Meg, how could you put us all
through that?
I'm sorry, you guys-
You're a fucking bitch!
Yes. Yes, I am.
Hi, l'm Stewie Griffin.
Tonight's Family Guy was a very
special episode about drug use.
But the simple fact is,
it's no laughing matter.
To learn more about drugs,
visit your local library.
There's probably a guy behind there
who sells drugs.
Good night.