Faking It (2014–2016): Season 1, Episode 1 - Pilot - full transcript

- WHAT TIME IS IT?

7:30. HOW DO BLIND PEOPLE
PICK OUT CLOTHES?

I'M GUESSING THEY WEAR
A LOT OF SWEATPANTS.

YOU'RE NOT STILL SERIOUS
ABOUT THIS.

OF COURSE I AM.
IT'S A GREAT PLAN.

TELL ME AGAIN HOW THIS WILL
RESCUE US FROM OBSCURITY,

BECAUSE YESTERDAY IT SOUNDED...

CRAZIER THAN
SHIA LABEOUF'S TWITTER FEED.

- HOLD ON.

- MORNING, MUFFIN.

- HEY, MOM, I'M ON THE PHONE.



- OH, HAPPY FRIDAY, AMY.

I MADE YOU SOME CHAMOMILE TEA.

YOUR CHART INDICATES
A MAJOR COSMIC SHIFT

THAT MIGHT UPSET YOUR TUMMY.

LET'S HOPE SO, BUT
I SHOULD GO. AMY'S IN CRISIS.

- OH, NO, WHAT HAPPENED?
- HER HAMSTER DIED.

- OH, NO.
- YEAH, SHE NEEDS ME. BYE.

YOU KNOW I'M CREEPED OUT
BY RODENTS AS PETS.

I KNOW, IT WAS THE FIRST THING
I COULD THINK OF.

WHY CAN'T I HAVE
A NORMAL MOTHER?

- RISE AND SHINE.

- YOU AND ME BOTH.

ANYWAY, YOU WERE
EXPLAINING THIS PLAN.

- RIGHT, SO...



WE LIVE IN AUSTIN, A BLUE OASIS
IN THE RED SEA OF TEXAS.

- YUP. HAVEN'T FORGOTTEN.

AND OUR HIGH SCHOOL
IS SO TOLERANT AND ACCEPTING,

THE OUTCASTS ARE THE IN CROWD.

- JUST TELL ME THE PLAN.
- I FOUND A WAY IN.

TRUST ME.
THEY'LL NEVER SEE IT COMING.

SEE? PEOPLE ARE WONDERING
WHAT HAPPENED TO ME.

- ME TOO.

HOW ARE WE GONNA
EXPLAIN TO PEOPLE

YOU WENT BLIND LAST NIGHT?

BRAIN TUMOR
PRESSING ON MY OPTIC NERVE,

WHICH I'LL HAVE REMOVED
TO MAKE A TRIUMPHANT RETURN.

PREFERABLY AT PROM.

HERE.
WITH A NAME LIKE "KARMA,"

YOU SHOULD BE MORE CAUTIOUS
OF YOUR SCHEMES.

I'M JUST TRYING TO GET US INTO
SHANE HARVEY'S PARTY TOMORROW.

WHY? WE HATE HIGH SCHOOL
DURING THE DAY.

I DOUBT WE'D LIKE IT BETTER AT
NIGHT AFTER IT'S BEEN DRINKING.

- HEADS-UP!

- DAMN IT!

MAYBE PEOPLE WILL BELIEVE YOUR
OTHER SENSES ARE HEIGHTENED.

I CAN'T SPEND ANOTHER
FRIDAY NIGHT WATCHING NETFLIX.

I'M AT THE END OF MY QUEUE.

WE GOTTA TRY SOMETHING NEW.

OOH, THERE'S THIS DOCUMENTARY
ON CHILD SLAVERY IN BANGLADESH.

AMY, WE ARE TEETERING ON
THE EDGE OF THE SOCIAL LADDER.

IF WE FALL OFF IN HIGH SCHOOL,
WE'LL NEVER GET BACK ON,

AND THEN WE'LL GROW INTO

SOCIALLY AWKWARD WEIRDOS

WHO MAKE
THEIR OWN ORGANIC JUICES

AND SELL THEM
AT FARMERS' MARKETS.

- LIKE YOUR PARENTS?
- CORRECT.

I MEAN, EPIC HIGH SCHOOL PARTIES

ARE A CRITICAL RITE OF PASSAGE
FOR NORMAL PEOPLE.

REALLY? BECAUSE I JUST READ
THAT KIDS THESE DAYS

ARE CHUGGING
JUGS OF HAND SANITIZER.

CUTE BOYS
ARE CHUGGING HAND SANITIZER

AND THEN LOWERING
THEIR STANDARDS.

- OKAY, HORNDOG.

NEED I REMIND YOU THAT CUTE BOYS
MAKE YOU SO NERVOUS, YOU BARF?

I HAVE OVERCOME THAT AFFLICTION.

YOU TWO ARE GONNA
HAVE TO MOVE.

YOU'RE SITTING IN MY LIGHT.

- THE SUN IS YOUR LIGHT?

SORRY, KIM JONG-UN,
THIS AIN'T NORTH KOREA.

- ANY OTHER SCHOOL IN TEXAS

AND YOU WOULDN'T DARE
TALK TO ME LIKE THAT.

BUT NO, MY STUPID DADDY HAD
TO SIGN UP FOR CHRISTIAN MINGLE

AND FALL FOR A WEATHER GIRL.

- MY MOM IS A METEOROLOGIST.

WHATEVER,
SHE'S THE REASON I'M HERE

AT THIS KUMBAYA SOCIALIST
FREAK SHOW OF A HIGH SCHOOL.

THE ONE PERK IS I CAN
WORK ON MY BASE TAN AT LUNCH.

LISBETH.
SPREAD OUT THE BLANKET.

- IT'S ELIZABETH.

LAUREN, I'M NOT THRILLED
OUR PARENTS ARE ENGAGED EITHER,

BUT DON'T PISS ME OFF.

I HAVE ACCESS
TO YOUR TOOTHBRUSH.

HOW DARE YOU THREATEN ME
IN MY OWN HOME?

- IT WAS MY HOME FIRST.

YOU'VE GOT FIVE SECONDS
TO HOP IN YOUR CANOE

AND PADDLE BACK
TO THE ISLE OF LESBOS,

SO I CAN GET MY VITAMIN D.

IS THAT A REAL PLACE?
AND IF SO, CAN WE COME?

THIS IS NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS,
ANDERSON COOPER.

BULLYING THE GAYS.
SOMEONE REEKS OF THE LATE '90s.

NO, I THINK SHE'S DOING SOME
SORT OF PERFORMANCE ART PIECE.

WE APPLAUD YOUR COMMITMENT.
- OH, BRAVA.

AUSTIN.

ANYPLACE ELSE IN TEXAS
AND I WOULD OWN YOU BITCHES.

LEILA, LISBETH!

LADIES, MY APOLOGIES
FOR THAT HAIRBALL OF HATE.

YEAH, LAST WEEK
I TOOK HER PARKING SPOT,

AND SHE CALLED ME A COMMUNIST.

YOU CAN'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY.
HI. I'M LIAM.

- SHANE.

- AND YOU ARE...

- I-I...

- I'M AMY.

THAT WAS KARMA.

SHE'S GOT REALLY...

BAD CRAMPS.

- WELL, IF SHE FEELS UP TO IT,

YOU TWO SHOULD TOTALLY
COME TO MY PARTY TOMORROW.

- OKAY, THANKS.

SOMETIMES SHE PASSES OUT
WHEN SHE VOMITS,

SO I SHOULD GO SPOT HER.

YOU KNOW HOW I'VE ALWAYS
WANTED LESBIAN FRIENDS?

THEY'RE PERFECT.

d

I DIDN'T REALIZE IT WOULD BE
THIS INTIMIDATING.

EVERYONE'S SO MUCH SLUTTIER
THAN THEY ARE AT SCHOOL.

SERIOUSLY, THIS PLACE
MUST BE DRIPPING WITH HPV.

CAN WE GO?

- WE JUST NEED TO RELAX.

YOU KNOW WHAT'LL HELP?
ALCOHOL.

I'M NOT GETTING DRUNK
AROUND THESE PEOPLE.

- BE RIGHT BACK.

EVERYONE'S WEARING
TOO MANY CLOTHES.

- BETTER.

WHY AREN'T YOU DANCING?

NICE HOUSE.
WHAT'S THE SQUARE FOOTAGE?

I DON'T REMEMBER
INVITING YOU, LAUREN.

YOU SHOULD BE
THANKING US FOR BEING HERE.

LOOK AT ALL THESE BOWWOWS.

- THE MAN SAID SHOO.

I'M SURE SOMEWHERE THERE'S

A YOUNG REPUBLICAN SOCK HOP
WHERE YOU'RE MISSED.

JOKE'S ON YOU.
I'M NOT WEARING ANY SOCKS TODAY.

I GOT A BLISTER AT PRACTICE, AND
COACH TOLD ME TO LET IT BREATHE.

PLEASE STOP TALKING
ABOUT YOUR FEET.

AND WE'RE NOT LEAVING.

WE'RE THE FRONT-RUNNERS
FOR HOMECOMING KING AND QUEEN.

PEOPLE EXPECT US
TO MAKE AN APPEARANCE.

NO ONE HERE CARES ABOUT THAT
OUTDATED PATRIARCHAL TRADITION.

SURE THEY DO.
THEY'RE JUST PRETENDING NOT TO.

YOU SEE, THERE IS
A NATURAL ORDER TO HIGH SCHOOL,

AND ALL OF THIS
IS AGAINST NATURE.

BUT I'M HERE NOW, AND I'M GONNA
SET THINGS STRAIGHT.

PUN INTENDED.

TOMMY, LET'S GO.

THERE'S A BOUNCY CASTLE?
NO WAY.

SHE CAN'T DO THAT,
CAN SHE?

SHE'S DELUSIONAL.
DON'T LET HER GET TO YOU.

both: SHHP.

- THANKS.

- I AM SO SORRY.

- I KNOW.
- IT WAS CRAZY.

- HEY, YOU MADE IT.

HEY. GREAT PARTY.
SO MUCH FUN.

- THANKS.

MY FRIEND'S GETTING US BEERS.
SHE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

AND SHE'S MUCH BETTER
AT SMALL TALK.

YOUR FRIEND, RIGHT.
WINK, WINK. NUDGE, NUDGE.

JUST TELL ME WHO WENT
UNDER THE COVERS FIRST.

- EXCUSE ME?

I WON'T BLAB.
GAY SCOUT'S HONOR.

I JUST REALLY WANT US
TO BE FRIENDS.

I'VE BEEN CRAVING
LESBIAN ENERGY IN MY LIFE.

LOOK, I'M ODDLY FLATTERED,
BUT I'M NOT GAY.

I'M JUST GONNA FLIP ON
THIS CLOSET LIGHT FOR A SEC,

SO WE CAN TALK, OKAY?

YOU'RE GAY.

AND IT'S OKAY.
THERE'S NO SHAME.

I PROMISE,
NOT ASHAMED OF ANYTHING.

- I WAS YOU ONCE,

SO TERRIFIED OF REJECTION,
IT TOOK ME FOREVER TO COME OUT.

BUT ONCE I DID, FOURTH GRADE
GOT SO MUCH BETTER. TRUST ME.

THANKS AGAIN FOR THE PARTY.
I NEED TO NOT BE HERE ANYMORE.

I FEEL LIKE
SUCH AN ASS.

YOU'RE NOT THE ONE
WHO PUKED ALL OVER THE FLOOR.

NO, BUT I AM THE ONE
WHO DUMPED TWO BEERS ON YOU

AND NOW YOUR TOP
IS SEE-THROUGH.

COULD YOU JUST PRETEND
LIKE YOU DIDN'T SEE THOSE?

- YEAH, IF YOU INSIST.

BUT IT'S NOT GONNA BE EASY.

WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN,
POOH BEAR?

WHO'S THIS BITCH?
- WHOA, BRANDI, YOU'RE DRUNK.

HE'S MINE, SO KEEP
THOSE NIPPLES TO YOURSELF.

THAT WAS MY GOAL
FROM THE BEGINNING, I PROMISE.

- LOOK, I AM NOT YOUR BOYFRIEND.

WE'RE JUST GOOD FRIENDS
WHO OCCASIONALLY HAVE SEX,

BUT IF THAT'S TOO CONFUSING
FOR YOU, THEN WE HAVE TO STOP.

- FINE.

- HEY, WATCH IT!

- I'LL LEAVE MY WINDOW UNLOCKED.

- WHAT?

- NOTHING.

LOOK, I'M NOT A DOUCHE BAG,
ALL RIGHT?

I'M ALWAYS CLEAR
ABOUT MY GROUND RULES.

AND GIRLS, THEY ALWAYS AGREE
TO THEM, AND THEN THEY GET...

- CLINGY?

WOMEN ARE GENETICALLY WIRED
TO MATE AND START A FAMILY.

IN FACT, IF WE WEREN'T,

OUR ENTIRE SPECIES WOULD'VE
DIED OUT, SO HAVE SOME RESPECT.

IT'S HANDY HAVING
A LESBIAN AROUND HERE

TO EXPLAIN THESE THINGS TO ME.
- UH, WHAT?

- KARMA, WE'RE LEAVING.

- SOMEONE LIKES 'EM BOSSY.

- LIAM THINKS I'M A LESBIAN.
- WHO CARES?

LET'S JUST GO HOME, PUT ON PJs,
AND WATCH HOUSE HUNTERS.

MAY I HAVE YOUR ATTENTION?

TWO FRIENDS OF OURS
ARE SCARED TONIGHT.

THEY'RE HIDING
IN THIS TEENY, TINY,

DARK, LITTLE CLOSET,
AFRAID TO COME OUT,

AFRAID WE'LL REJECT THEM.

HERE AT HESTER HIGH,
WE DO THINGS DIFFERENTLY.

WE ACCEPT EVERYONE.
CAN I GET AN "AMEN," BRENDA?

- AMEN.

- BUT HOW DO WE PROVE TO THEM

THAT WE'RE NOT
YOUR TYPICAL HIGH SCHOOL...

THAT WE ACCEPT THEM,
THAT THEY'RE SAFE?

THERE'S ONLY ONE WAY
I CAN THINK OF.

LET'S ELECT THEM
HOMECOMING QUEENS!

ALL HAIL THE QUEENS!

all: ALL HAIL THE QUEENS!
ALL HAIL THE QUEENS!

ALL HAIL THE QUEENS!

I TOLD YOU
WE SHOULDN'T HAVE COME.

all: ALL HAIL THE QUEENS!
ALL HAIL THE QUEENS!

WE'LL JUST WALK IN
AND TELL THEM WE'RE NOT GAY.

THANK GOD THE VOTING AGE IS 18.
TEENAGERS ARE IDIOTS.

I DON'T KNOW. MAYBE WE SHOULD
SEE HOW THIS PLAYS OUT.

- YOU'RE KIDDING, RIGHT?

THEY THINK WE'RE LESBIANS.
IT'S RIDICULOUS.

I DON'T EVEN LIKE
LOOKING AT MY OWN VAGINA.

AMY, WE WERE INVITED TO
THE HOTTEST PARTY OF THE YEAR.

WE'VE BEEN NOMINATED
FOR HOMECOMING QUEEN.

YOU HAVE TO ADMIT
THIS IS WORKING FOR US.

SMALL PROBLEM,
WE'RE NOT GAY.

EVERYONE HAS A LESBIAN PHASE
IN COLLEGE.

WE'RE JUST MOVING OURS UP.

WHAT ABOUT LIAM?
HE THINKS WE'RE A COUPLE.

STRAIGHT GUYS LOVE LESBIANS.
JUST WATCH ANY PORNO.

AND LAST NIGHT,
I SWEAR HE FLIRTED WITH ME.

- OKAY, WHEN WE GET TO SCHOOL,

WE'RE GOING STRAIGHT
TO THE NURSE'S OFFICE.

I THINK YOU MIGHT HAVE
HEAD TRAUMA.

WHY IS THAT
SO HARD TO BELIEVE?

BECAUSE LIAM BOOKER
CAN HAVE ANY GIRL IN SCHOOL.

WHY WOULD HE WANT ME?
THANKS.

KARMA, FOR THE MILLIONTH TIME,
I'M SORRY.

I SHOULDN'T HAVE SAID THAT.

I JUST DON'T WANT YOU
TO GET HURT.

WHEN YOU THOUGHT
THAT YOUR YO-YO ROUTINE

COULD GET YOU ON AMERICA'S GOT
TALENT, DID I TRY AND STOP YOU?

NO, YOU LET ME MAKE A FOOL OF
MYSELF ON NATIONAL TELEVISION.

MY MOMS AND I
BAKED THESE FOR YOU TWO.

THEY'RE GLUTEN-FREE.

YOU GOT MY VOTE.

- MAYBE I WANT TO GET HURT.

MAYBE I WANT TO FEEL SOMETHING
OTHER THAN BOREDOM.

WELL, I'M SORRY IF SPENDING
TIME WITH ME IS SO BORING.

HEY, ARE YOU TWO
FREE THIS AFTERNOON?

PHOTO SHOOT IN THE ART QUAD
FOR THE SCHOOL'S TUMBLR.

- DON'T DO THAT!

DO NOT MAKE THIS ABOUT YOU!

RIGHT, BECAUSE GOD FORBID IT'S
NOT ABOUT YOU FOR ONE SECOND.

I KIND OF NEED TO KNOW NOW,
SO I CAN TELL IVY...

- WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

- PHOTO SHOOT THIS AFTERNOON.

RIGHT NOW YOU TWO ARE ALL
THE SCHOOL CAN TALK ABOUT.

- LOOK, WE'RE NOT...
- GOING TO DENY OUR PUBLIC.

ARE WE, SUGAR BEAR?

- WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

SHE HATES IT WHEN I CALL
HER THAT. WE'LL BE THERE.

I'LL SEE YOU AT LUNCH.
MADE YOUR FAVORITE. TUNA SALAD.

THEY'RE HERE, THEY'RE QUEER,
THEY NEED YOUR VOTES.

NICE WORK, MINIONS.

- ANYTHING TO HELP THE GAYS.
- YEAH.

ANYONE ELSE THINK THE LIPSTICK
ONE IS KIND OF SEXY?

TYPICAL MALE, DETERMINED
TO PROVE YOUR VIRILITY

BY TURNING A LESBIAN STRAIGHT.
- UGH!

HEY, GUYS,
LOOK AT LAUREN SPINNING OUT.

DON'T STARE.
IT'S RUDE.

- WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?

- TALK TO YOU LATER.

YOU GUYS MAKE
A REALLY CUTE COUPLE.

THANKS,
AND CONGRATS ON THE TWINS.

I'M SEIZING AN OPPORTUNITY.

LAST WEEK A TOTAL
OF THREE PEOPLE IN THIS SCHOOL

KNEW OUR NAMES, AND ONE OF THEM
WAS IRMA THE LUNCH LADY.

TODAY EVERYONE LOVES US.

YOU HAVE TO ADMIT,
THIS FEELS AWESOME.

I HAVE BEEN GETTING
A LOT OF FREE BAKED GOODS.

LET'S JUST GO WITH IT.
SEE WHAT HAPPENS.

YOU KNOW
I'M A TERRIBLE LIAR.

DON'T THINK OF IT AS LYING.
THINK OF IT AS...

A GIFT TO YOUR OLDEST
AND DEAREST FRIEND.

THE ONE WHO NEVER TOLD ANYONE

THAT YOU GOT PUBES
IN SECOND GRADE.

- SHH.

COME ON,
WE'RE GETTING A PHOTO SHOOT.

YOU KNOW HOW LONG
I'VE BEEN PERFECTING MY SMIZE.

IT'LL POP MORE WHEN
I'M WEARING MY FAKE EYELASHES.

I GUESS THAT MAKES ME
THE BUTCH ONE.

- GREAT. WE'RE AGREED.

NOW I'VE GOTTA GO PUT THESE ON.
IT'LL TAKE ME AT LEAST AN HOUR.

d

- d THERE'S

d GASOLINE IN YOUR HEART

- THAT IS REALLY TRIPPY.

WHAT DOES IT MEAN?

IT'S ART. IT MEANS
WHATEVER YOU THINK IT MEANS.

WELL, I THINK
THE HORSE REPRESENTS YOU.

AND IT'S BOUND IN BARBED WIRE,

SO I'M GONNA GUESS
YOU'VE BEEN HURT.

I MEAN, THESE HORSESHOES
CLEARLY REPRESENT THE WALLS

YOU'VE BUILT UP
TO KEEP EVERYONE OUT,

SO YOU NEVER GET HURT AGAIN.

- INTERESTING THEORY.

WHAT, YOU GOT
ALL OF THAT OUT OF THIS?

- YOUR ART SAYS A LOT.

IT'S REALLY GOOD.

- d I CAN NEVER EVER SHOW YOU

d BUT THERE'S ALWAYS
NIGHTTIME d

d I WISH IT WASN'T JUST

- WHERE IS SHE?

KARMA WOULD BE LATE
TO HER OWN FUNERAL.

DRIVES ME BONKERS,
BUT I LOVE HER.

d

HIS LIPS ARE THE PERFECT BLEND
OF SOFT AND FIRM.

THEY'RE LIKE TWO TINY
TEMPUR-PEDICS ON HIS FACE.

AND HIS EYES, IT'S LIKE
THEY'RE PEERING INTO MY SOUL.

YOU SAID THE SAME THING
ABOUT RYAN SEACREST.

- WELL, THIS IS DIFFERENT.

LIAM'S PARENTS ARE RICH, BUT
HE DRIVES A BEAT-UP BIODIESEL,

WHICH MEANS HE'S SOCIALLY AWARE.

HIS BEST FRIENDS
ARE A GAY GUY AND A FEMINIST,

WHICH MEANS HE'S TOLERANT
AND ACCEPTING OF STRONG WOMEN.

AND HE'S AN ARTIST,

WHICH MEANS THAT DEEP DOWN
INSIDE HE'S WOUNDED.

IF ONLY HE WERE A VAMPIRE,
HE'D BE PERFECT.

NOW SHUT UP.
GYM CLASS WAS TORTURE ENOUGH.

OKAY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT
CRAWLED UP YOUR BUTT TODAY,

BUT I HOPE IT CRAWLS
BACK OUT BY OUR SPEECH

AT HOMECOMING ASSEMBLY.

- YEAH, I'M NOT GOING TO THAT.

- WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

I'M DONE PRETENDING
I'M A LESBIAN,

AND I'M NOT GONNA
DO IT ANYMORE.

BUT BEING GAY IS THE BEST
THING THAT EVER HAPPENED TO US.

NO, IT'S THE BEST THING
THAT'S EVER HAPPENED TO YOU.

YOU GOT YOUR POPULARITY
AND YOUR PHOTO SPREAD

AND YOUR KISS WITH LIAM.

I NEVER WANTED ANY OF THIS.

THEN WHY DID YOU
GO ALONG WITH IT?

BECAUSE YOU'RE MY BEST FRIEND
AND I WANTED YOU TO BE HAPPY.

WELL, IT WORKED.
I'M HAPPY.

- WELL, I'M NOT!

CAN'T WE JUST FORGET THESE PAST
FEW DAYS EVER HAPPENED

AND JUST GO BACK
TO THE WAY THINGS WERE?

JUST THE TWO OF US?

WHAT IF I DON'T
WANT TO GO BACK?

THEN GOOD LUCK
FINDING A NEW GIRLFRIEND.

- HEY. CAN I JOIN YOU?

- YEAH. SURE.

SO WHERE'S YOUR GIRLFRIEND?

- WE BROKE UP.
- OUCH. OH. I'M SORRY.

I HOPE THAT WASN'T
'CAUSE OF YESTERDAY.

YOU KNOW, WHEN WE...
- OH. OH, NO. NO.

- YOU WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT?

- NOT PARTICULARLY.
- OKAY.

SO THERE'S THIS ART EXHIBITION

THAT I HEARD ABOUT
ON SOUTH CONGRESS.

THERE'S THIS HOMELESS GUY THAT
MAKES TOTEM POLES WITH HIS FEET.

WE'RE JUST DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
WE ALWAYS HAVE BEEN.

AND IF I'M BEING HONEST,
I THINK WE'VE BEEN

HOLDING ON TO A RELATIONSHIP
THAT WE'VE BOTH OUTGROWN.

DO YOU KNOW THAT I HAVEN'T
HAD PEANUT BUTTER IN A DECADE

BECAUSE SHE HAS AN ALLERGY?

- WOW, THAT SOUNDS HORRIBLE.

HERE.
TAKE A BITE OF FREEDOM.

- MMM.

I MEAN, IT WASN'T ALL BAD.

SHE WAS THE ONLY PERSON I COULD
WATCH DANCE MOM MARATHONS WITH

BECAUSE SHE ONLY TALKS
AT COMMERCIALS.

AND EVERY YEAR
FOR MY BIRTHDAY,

SHE DOES
THESE LITTLE SCAVENGER HUNTS.

OH, AND LAST YEAR
WHEN MY GAM-GAM DIED,

SHE WAS THE ONLY PERSON
WHO COULD MAKE ME LAUGH.

IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME,

I HAVE TO GO.

- d GET ON YOUR KNEES

d AND I THOUGHT
YOU CAN LEAVE IT ALL d

d IN YOUR MIND

d IT IS

d SO TIRED

- DON'T JUMP.

- DON'T FLATTER YOURSELF.

HOW'D YOU FIND ME?

I KNEW THAT YOU WOULD FIND THE
TALLEST PLACE AT THIS SCHOOL,

'CAUSE YOU KNOW
I'M SCARED OF HEIGHTS,

BUT HERE I AM,

FACING MY FEARS TO APOLOGIZE.

YOU WERE RIGHT.

I HAVE BEEN SELFISH.

I DRAGGED YOU INTO MY STUPID
PLAN AGAINST YOUR WILL.

DON'T STOP
WHEN IT'S GETTING GOOD.

I'M NOT AS STRONG
AS YOU ARE, AMY.

I CARE WAY TOO MUCH ABOUT WHAT
THOSE PEOPLE DOWN THERE THINK.

AND IN THIS SCHOOL,
YOU HAVE TO STAND OUT TO FIT IN,

AND I'M SO ORDINARY.

YOU ARE NOT.

PLEASE.

BEING GAY FINALLY
MADE ME INTERESTING.

BUT IF THE PRICE OF THAT
IS LOSING YOU,

THEN IT'S NOT WORTH IT.

YOU'RE THE FEY TO MY POEHLER.

THE RIHANNA TO MY KATY PERRY.

THE LUCY TO MY ETHEL.

WE BOTH KNOW
YOU'RE THE LUCY.

AND IF YOU NEED
TO STAND OUT, THEN...

I'M GONNA HELP
MAKE THAT HAPPEN.

ARE YOU SAYING
WHAT I THINK YOU'RE SAYING?

- LET'S BE LESBIANS.

OH, I'M SO EXCITED.

BUT I CAN'T MOVE.
WE MIGHT NEED A CRANE.

- I BELIEVE IN TRADITION.

WHAT IS SOCIETY
BUT A PATCHWORK OF TRADITIONS

THAT HAVE BEEN HANDED DOWN FROM
THOSE WHO HAVE COME BEFORE US?

YEAH, LIKE SLAVERY!

- NO, NOT LIKE SLAVERY.

LIKE A MAN OPENING A DOOR
FOR A LADY.

LIKE NOT TALKING
WITH YOUR MOUTH FULL.

LIKE BEING ABLE TO PUT
A NATIVITY SCENE

IN FRONT OF YOUR CHURCH WITHOUT
BEING SUED BY THE A.C.L.U.

SO, REMEMBER, A VOTE FOR ME...

I MEAN US,
IS A VOTE FOR TRADITION.

- YEAH.
- OKAY, THANK YOU.

THANK YOU, LAUREN,
FOR THAT VERY STIRRING SPEECH.

AND NOW WE'LL HEAR
FROM HESTER'S VERY FIRST

SAME-GENDER CANDIDATES
FOR HOMECOMING ROYALTY

KARMA ASHCROFT
AND AMY RAUDENFELD.

PLEASE CLAP.

- WHAT AN ENTRANCE.

I AM SUCH A PROUD PAPA.

LOOKS LIKE YOU WON'T BE
GETTING YOUR LESBIAN AFTER ALL.

- YEAH, WE'LL SEE.

CAN I JUST SAY SOMETHING?

I KNOW THAT YOU ALL THINK
YOU'RE BEING ALL OPEN-MINDED

BY ELECTING
THESE TWO HOMECOMING QUEENS,

BUT I THINK YOU ALL SHOULD KNOW
THEY'RE NOT REALLY LESBIANS.

LAUREN,
GIVE ME THE MICROPHONE.

NO, THEY'RE JUST
PRETENDING TO BE

SO THAT ALL OF YOU
WILL LIKE THEM!

I HEARD THEM TALKING ABOUT IT
IN THE LOCKER ROOM THIS MORNING.

THEY'RE MOCKING
THE GAY RIGHTS MOVEMENT!

- STOP. GIVE ME THE MIC.

KARMA, AMY, IS THIS TRUE?

- WE CAN EXPLAIN.
- IF WE'RE FAKING IT...

WOULD I DO THIS?

d

WHAT'S WITH THE CONFETTI,
PENELOPE?

IT DROPPED EARLY.
I'M SO SORRY.

d I COME HOME
IN THE MORNING LIGHT d

d MY MOTHER SAYS, "WHEN YOU
GONNA LIVE YOUR LIFE RIGHT?" d

d OH, MOTHER DEAR,
WE'RE NOT THE FORTUNATE ONES d

d AND GIRLS,
THEY WANT TO HAVE FUN d

- AMY! KARMA!

d OH, GIRLS JUST
WANT TO HAVE FUN d

- d GIRLS, THEY WANNA

d WANNA HAVE FUN, GIRLS

- WHOA.

- I KNOW.

- WAY TO SELL IT.

d

d THEY JUST WANNA,
THEY JUST WANNA d

d

YOU DON'T FEEL WEIRD ABOUT
PRETENDING TO BE GIRLFRIENDS?

- I'LL BE RIGHT BY YOUR SIDE

HOLDING YOUR HAND
THE WHOLE TIME.

- IN SUPPORT OF OUR QUEENS,

THE HOMECOMING THEME
IS "HOMECOMING OUT."

THAT LITTLE BITCH
IS THREATENING

TO TELL MY MOM I'M A LESBIAN.

WOULD YOU BELIEVE WE LOST
TO A PAIR OF LESBIANS?

MARRIAGE IS ONE THING,
BUT HOMECOMING?

GUESS WHO'S HAVING A SEXY
SECRET AFFAIR WITH LIAM BOOKER.

IT'S ME.

THE NEXT TIME YOU SEE ME,
I'LL BE A WOMAN.