Faking It (2014–2016): Season 1, Episode 2 - Homecoming Out - full transcript
Lauren threatens to out Amy to her conservative mother as Hester High gets ready for their first-ever same-sex Homecoming Dance.
We're teetering on the edge
of the social ladder.
You two should come
to my party tomorrow.
You're gay.
- Excuse me?
- Liam thinks I'm a lesbian.
Let's elect them
homecoming queens!
Maybe we should see
how this plays out.
We're not gay.
- Way to sell it.
- ? No relief
? we endlessly creep
- what about your girlfriend?
- She's not my girlfriend.
- ? No sleep
?
? I like the belief
- What, do I have eye boogers?
?
- ? no relief
we could stop right now
if you want.
- ? We endlessly creep
?
? no sleep
Aah!
What the are you doing?
What the are you doing
in my room?
- Measuring.
Turns out it's 37 square feet
bigger than mine,
which means I want it.
I'm petty that way.
Yeah, right.
Keep huffing your hair spray.
I admire that move you made
at the homecoming assembly.
That kiss convinced
all of those idiots
at our hippie commune
of a high school
that you and karma
are vag-etarians,
but you stole my crown,
and now I want your room.
Or else.
- Or else what?
Lord, watch over farrah today
as she talks to her boss
about moving
from weather to news,
and may she finally be respected
for that beautiful mind
you gave her
and not just
those beautiful boobs.
We thank you for them, lord,
and for this food.
Amen.
- Amen.
Honey, slow down.
You have plenty of time
to get ready.
She is ready.
But thanks
for the ego boost.
- Amy, I'm sorry,
but you have such gorgeous hair,
and you just let it
hang there limp.
And those look like
a homeless man's pajamas.
Why don't you wear
that cute skirt I bought you?
- I think she looks great.
You know, it takes a strong
woman to wear pants every day.
- What's that supposed to mean?
Nothing.
I don't know.
Never mind.
Hey there, my little show pony.
How did
that homecoming election go?
Yes.
Should we start calling you
"your highness,"
because we would.
Would you believe we lost
to a pair of lesbians?
Now, honey, there's no reason
to call them names
just 'cause they beat you.
I raised you better than that.
I'm not, daddy.
We lost to two girls.
I told you,
the public school system
in this town is broken.
We should have never
put that man in the white house.
Marriage is one thing,
but homecoming?
When does it stop?
- Good question, farrah.
When?
On a completely unrelated topic,
did Amy tell you?
We're switching rooms.
- Oh.
That little bitch
is threatening
to tell my mom I'm a lesbian.
We have to break up
and shut this down.
We just came out as a couple
yesterday.
It'll give people whiplash.
How long
do we have to keep this up?
Only until
our celebrity status
at hester high is cemented.
Karma, we're the school's
first lesbian couple.
We're legends.
Yes, but if we don't
play this right,
we could end up
like Billy Newton.
- Who's Billy Newton?
- Exactly.
Remember that deaf kid
that transferred in last year
and the whole school
learned sign language?
He got cochlear implants,
and...
I can't pull this off
much longer.
I'm so clearly not a lesbian,
and if everyone at school
finds out we're faking it,
they might overcome
their opposition
to the death penalty.
Which is why I compiled
this handy dossier.
- How is this handy?
What's "bumper to bumper"?
You don't feel weird about this,
pretending to be girlfriends?
- Jeez, was I that bad a kisser?
- It was like
kissing my sister.
Ouch.
- It's not like you enjoyed it.
- I thought you were great.
- You did?
Knock, knock.
You two womyn with a "y" decent?
- Mom, dad.
Won't stay long,
just wanted to bring you
these cups
of celebratory kombucha.
- Salud.
- Oh, Amy,
you couldn't feel
more like a daughter to me
if you came from my own womb.
I am overflowing with joy.
I didn't realize
you told your parents.
How did your mother
take the news?
She can be a little...
What's the word?
- Unevolved.
- Yes.
- I haven't told her yet.
Well, if she kicks you out,
you can always stay here.
This is a safe space.
Now let's get a pic of you two,
so I can send it
to your brother zen
in the peace corps.
This is just...
It's all so...
You know...
You two trailblazers
have fun loving each other.
- Okay.
- Seriously?
- I know. I know.
I shouldn't have told them.
I just knew that it would
make them so happy.
They've already joined pflag.
And I've finally trumped zen.
- What is pflag?
Parents and friends
of lesbians and gays.
It's in the dossier.
- Karma, I can't do this.
- I'll be right by your side
holding your hand
the whole time.
You with me?
? ?
- tickets, please.
- Names of your dates?
- Ryan gosling.
- Bradley Cooper.
Harrison Ford.
Lisbeth, enough
with your grandpa fetish.
It's gross.
I'm bringing Tommy,
my boyfriend.
How predictable.
50 bucks.
You just gave that guy
free tickets,
and he smells like
a field of armpits.
This year,
in support of our queens,
the homecoming theme is
"homecoming out."
Bring a same-sex date,
you get in free.
Everyone else, 50 bucks.
- That's so not fair.
It's like a heterosexual tax.
- Feels icky, doesn't it?
But all proceeds go
to the Trevor project,
a crisis and suicide hotline
for Igbtq youth,
so yay.
Everybody wins.
You two coming together?
- Leila! Lisbeth!
You get way too much pleasure
torturing her.
- Take over.
Please,
she's so two-dimensional,
she's practically a character
in glee.
So we're going to this thing
together, right?
Oh, I figured you'd be taking
one of your college boy toys.
Uh, they all think
I'm in college too.
Look, I thought I was saving you
50 bucks,
but if you're feeling squeamish
about it...
No, I don't feel squeamish
at all.
- Hey.
- ? Who can resist?
? So easily upstaged
- hey there, stranger.
- All hail the queen.
I am your humble servant.
Shut up.
I'm glad you got back together
with your girlfriend.
You two are like
the school's portia and Ellen.
Which one am I?
Please say portia.
Trust me,
you're the portia.
Which is why we probably
shouldn't make out again.
I don't want to be
the ass
That breaks up
hester's cutest couple.
The thing is, Amy and I
have an open relationship.
- You do?
- Yep.
The army may have repealed
don't ask, don't tell,
but here at hester,
it's alive and well.
So what happens
in the art studio
stays in the art studio?
- ? That, baby
being a lesbian
has its perks.
Or are you more bi?
- Not sure.
I always thought
that I was 100% lesbian-ic
until you came along.
- That is so hot.
- ? That's just the start ?
but I'm not looking
for a relationship.
My heart belongs to Amy.
- Yeah, deal.
- ? That I feel the most
- To be continued.
?
- meryl streep, watch out.
You're really going method
with this whole lesbian thing.
What do you want now,
a kidney?
- $50.
Just consider it interest
since you're taking forever
to pack up all this junk.
I hope you use it
to buy a conscience.
Said the girl
who's faking being a lesbian,
so she can be popular.
Guess who's having a sexy
secret affair with Liam booker.
Here's a clue.
It's me.
- Are you kidding?
- Crazy, right?
He's so into this lesbian thing.
I think if I play my cards
right, we could have sex.
Me and Liam booker.
- I thought the only reason
we were doing this
was to be popular.
- It is.
And popular people have sex
with other popular people.
People like Liam booker.
Why didn't we think of this
years ago?
- It was a more innocent time.
Well, now everyone's
lost their innocence but us.
But that could soon change,
thanks to you.
Best girlfriend ever.
I thought you always said
you wanted your first time
to be special.
It doesn't get
much more special
than the hottest guy
at school.
Well, let's hope no one
finds out you're cheating on me.
They'd think
you were a terrible person.
- You're upset.
- What? No.
I'm just annoyed I have to move.
You remember when we put those
on the ceiling,
so you wouldn't be afraid
of the dark?
I wasn't afraid,
I was anxious.
There's a difference.
- Amy?
- Mom.
- What are you two doing?
We're just talking
about our date to homecoming.
Dates, plural.
With boys.
- Oh, thank you, Jesus.
How exciting.
Oh, now, you tell this boy
to come over early for pictures.
And don't fight me on this,
it's a mother's right.
My mama did it to me.
Oh, speaking of Nana,
I've got to go and call her.
She is gonna be over the moon
that you have a date with a boy.
- Shoot me now.
Let me hear you say it,
Brenda.
- I am better than carnations.
- Never forget it.
Now, how about a new floral plan
by the end of the day?
Hey, everything coming along
for the big gala?
Have you picked out
your pantsuit?
- I need a favor.
- Anything for my queen.
You have to come over
and pretend to be my date.
- Slight revision.
When I said "anything for you,"
I meant anything but that.
You just have to meet my mom
and pose for a couple of photos.
I promise
my house has great lighting.
When I came out, I swore,
as God as my witness,
I would never pretend
to be someone else again.
- Well, Scarlett,
it's kind of your fault
I'm in this mess, remember?
So the least you can do
is help keep
my former beauty queen
republican mother
from finding out.
- Fine.
Mostly because I feel bad,
but also because she sounds
amazing.
What time?
- 7:00.
And butch it up a bit.
It needs to be believable.
- ? We're all snow ?
- we've got 12 minutes.
- Then stop talking.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
- Sorry.
Is that too far?
No, it's just...
This is my first time.
With a guy.
I'm just used to having sex
with lesbians.
Hey, I don't want
to push you
to do something
you don't want to do.
- Let's do this.
Here in the art room.
?
I would definitely
have a doctor
take a look at that.
- Yeah, cool, will do.
See you at the dance tonight?
- I'll be the one in the tiara.
- Yeah.
Well, well, well.
Lookee here.
- I asked for butch,
not Matthew McConaughey
from magic Mike.
- This is as butch as I get.
Now, where's this mother
you promised?
- Is that him?
Oh, my gosh.
Oh, my gosh.
You must be Shane.
I'm farrah, Amy's mom.
No way.
You are lying to me.
- Excuse me?
- Y'all must be sisters.
- Oh, stop it.
Oh, you are too cute.
We get that all the time.
Okay, you two get together.
I want to get a pic.
Where is that damn camera app?
- Mom, we have to go.
Not until I get proof
of how pretty you look.
Oh, is this a perfect night.
My daughter wears a dress,
and I get my first reporting
assignment.
Mom, you did?
That's great.
I can't wait to watch it.
- Well, you won't have to.
I pitched those lesbian queens
of yours to my boss,
and guess who he picked
to cover it.
Me.
Barbara Walters,
watch your back.
Okay, say cheese.
I'll see you two in a few.
Don't go breaking her heart.
- I couldn't if I tried.
Oh, you are too cute.
She's everything I hoped.
Guess what, the local news
is coming to interview us.
Guess what,
the local news is my mother.
Oh, my God.
What are we gonna do?
I'll stop her.
You stall.
Got it.
I'm on it.
Just hurry.
Karma, there you are.
Where's Amy?
Uh, she had to go home
and feed her fish.
I love lesbian humor.
Look, I didn't have a chance
to order a second tiara,
so would one of you be willing
to wear the crown?
I'm guessing Amy,
but I don't want
to make assumptions.
Yeah, that crown
is definitely more her.
In a world
with so much darkness,
you two are such bright lights.
Uh-huh.
- And...
- You too.
Excuse me.
- Yeah.
- ? I told you I
? I was stuck
? and it's gotten
out of hand ?
? my old ways
? my old ways have gone away
? today, I swear
? my old ways
? my old ways
have gone today ?
?
if I had known
we were going on a caper,
I wouldn't have worn boots.
They're so loud.
- Shh!
All clear.
You keep watch.
Have you had that in there
the whole time?
- I hate carrying a purse.
- So what's the plan?
We let the air
out of the tires on this van.
No tires, no van,
no coming out on the local news.
Okay, maybe this is
a little excessive.
When I came out,
I thought my dad
would either kick me out
or kill me,
but instead he let me record
project runway,
even though it conflicted
with his CSI reruns.
Now we watch it together.
He loves it when they go,
"thank you, mood."
It's adorable.
- We'll be right there.
- Well, if you can't find me,
it's because I'm having sex
with Liam booker.
- At the school dance?
Well, in his car,
so technically dance-adjacent.
The next time you see me,
I'll be a woman.
You don't sound very excited.
- Trust me, so excited.
It's just...
It's just kind of a big deal.
Do you really want
your first time
to be in the backseat
of a car?
- It has leather interior.
- Karma.
I got to run.
I'll call you later.
You scare me.
I like it.
There's another van?
?
I've been wanting to do this
for so long.
?
- me too.
Wait, how long?
- What?
- Have you wanted to do this?
What, have sex
with a lesbian?
Pretty much since birth.
I know it's cliche,
but what straight guy hasn't?
What?
What's wrong?
- I don't know.
I was into this.
Now I'm not.
What can I say?
I'm mercurial.
Sorry to be a tease,
but I should probably
get back to my girlfriend.
? Oh-ooh-oh, oh-ooh-oh,
oh-ooh-oh, oh ?
- ? huh
? oh-ooh-oh, oh-ooh-oh,
oh-ooh-oh, oh ?
- ? huh
? oh-ooh-oh, oh-ooh-oh,
oh-ooh-oh, oh ?
- ? huh
? oh-ooh-oh, oh-ooh-oh,
oh-ooh-oh, oh ?
- ? huh
? oh-ooh-oh, oh-ooh-oh,
oh-ooh-oh, oh ?
Lauren, thank God
I found you.
Love the dress.
Hey,
you're the wtxs weather girl.
I love you.
Especially when the cold fronts
come in from the north
and you have to reach up
on your tippy-toes...
Okay, Tommy.
What are you doing here?
I'm here to interview
those lesbian homecoming queens.
- Mom, mom.
- Have you seen them?
- Your mom is looking
for our lesbian
homecoming queens.
I told her.
They went home
with spina bifida...
To their tiny, tiny bedrooms.
Oh, I see a tiara.
Come on, Frank.
- Mom, wait.
- Karma?
- Mrs. raudenfeld.
What... what are you doing here?
- We're on in 30.
- Amy?
You knew about this?
- Mom, I wanted to tell you,
but I was afraid
you wouldn't approve.
- Oh, that's ridiculous.
- Really?
Honey,
her parents are so permissive,
it's no big surprise.
But I'm fine with it.
She's not my daughter.
Oh, but I do think
that you should dial back
the sleepovers.
- In ten.
Now, where is this
adorable girlfriend of yours?
?
- ? hard times never, ever
- I'm right here, mother.
- In three, two, one.
- Uh... uh...
You...
Lesbians?
Back to you, Steve.
- ? From the ground
? learning what came
before us ?
- Are you okay?
- Yeah.
That felt really good,
actually.
Want to dance?
? So come on,
hold me tighter ?
- enjoy your tiny bedroom.
- Burn!
That was so cold,
your nipples are showing.
Hey-o!
Made you look.
Support our queens
by grabbing your date
and hitting the dance floor.
- ? The stars came down
? for us last night
? we saw ourselves
- I don't get it.
We were rounding third
and heading home,
and all of a sudden,
she walks off the field.
- I'm so confused,
and not just
because of the sports analogy.
Who is this girl
you were hooking up with?
- I can't say.
You can tell me.
I won't tell anyone.
Fine, don't tell me.
I've just never been
rejected like that before.
Here, rest your head
on my shoulder.
No, I can't.
You're too short.
- Fine, I'll do it.
- I'm so proud of you.
- For fake coming out?
- For standing up for yourself.
I mean,
your mom's always giving you
those backhanded compliments.
Makes me want to punch her
in the baby maker.
Aw, thanks.
And I'm proud of you
for becoming a woman.
Did it hurt?
- Yeah, that didn't happen.
Oh, really?
Why not?
- You were right.
Liam just sees me
as this cool lesbian.
And I want my first time
to be special,
with someone who loves me.
- ? In my house
? to keep you by my side
which is why I'm gonna
make him fall in love with me.
- ? Don't stray ?
? don't go so far away ?
I worry you're not getting
anything out of this.
Maybe I need
a secret boyfriend too.
They sound super fun.
I'm Amy.
- Oliver.
- Time to occupy hester.
Liam's really
into this protest,
so I'm gonna be
the "protestiest" protester
who ever protested.
- Look who I found.
- Soleil!
Liam, can I steal you away
for a sec?
- She is so damn sexy.
of the social ladder.
You two should come
to my party tomorrow.
You're gay.
- Excuse me?
- Liam thinks I'm a lesbian.
Let's elect them
homecoming queens!
Maybe we should see
how this plays out.
We're not gay.
- Way to sell it.
- ? No relief
? we endlessly creep
- what about your girlfriend?
- She's not my girlfriend.
- ? No sleep
?
? I like the belief
- What, do I have eye boogers?
?
- ? no relief
we could stop right now
if you want.
- ? We endlessly creep
?
? no sleep
Aah!
What the are you doing?
What the are you doing
in my room?
- Measuring.
Turns out it's 37 square feet
bigger than mine,
which means I want it.
I'm petty that way.
Yeah, right.
Keep huffing your hair spray.
I admire that move you made
at the homecoming assembly.
That kiss convinced
all of those idiots
at our hippie commune
of a high school
that you and karma
are vag-etarians,
but you stole my crown,
and now I want your room.
Or else.
- Or else what?
Lord, watch over farrah today
as she talks to her boss
about moving
from weather to news,
and may she finally be respected
for that beautiful mind
you gave her
and not just
those beautiful boobs.
We thank you for them, lord,
and for this food.
Amen.
- Amen.
Honey, slow down.
You have plenty of time
to get ready.
She is ready.
But thanks
for the ego boost.
- Amy, I'm sorry,
but you have such gorgeous hair,
and you just let it
hang there limp.
And those look like
a homeless man's pajamas.
Why don't you wear
that cute skirt I bought you?
- I think she looks great.
You know, it takes a strong
woman to wear pants every day.
- What's that supposed to mean?
Nothing.
I don't know.
Never mind.
Hey there, my little show pony.
How did
that homecoming election go?
Yes.
Should we start calling you
"your highness,"
because we would.
Would you believe we lost
to a pair of lesbians?
Now, honey, there's no reason
to call them names
just 'cause they beat you.
I raised you better than that.
I'm not, daddy.
We lost to two girls.
I told you,
the public school system
in this town is broken.
We should have never
put that man in the white house.
Marriage is one thing,
but homecoming?
When does it stop?
- Good question, farrah.
When?
On a completely unrelated topic,
did Amy tell you?
We're switching rooms.
- Oh.
That little bitch
is threatening
to tell my mom I'm a lesbian.
We have to break up
and shut this down.
We just came out as a couple
yesterday.
It'll give people whiplash.
How long
do we have to keep this up?
Only until
our celebrity status
at hester high is cemented.
Karma, we're the school's
first lesbian couple.
We're legends.
Yes, but if we don't
play this right,
we could end up
like Billy Newton.
- Who's Billy Newton?
- Exactly.
Remember that deaf kid
that transferred in last year
and the whole school
learned sign language?
He got cochlear implants,
and...
I can't pull this off
much longer.
I'm so clearly not a lesbian,
and if everyone at school
finds out we're faking it,
they might overcome
their opposition
to the death penalty.
Which is why I compiled
this handy dossier.
- How is this handy?
What's "bumper to bumper"?
You don't feel weird about this,
pretending to be girlfriends?
- Jeez, was I that bad a kisser?
- It was like
kissing my sister.
Ouch.
- It's not like you enjoyed it.
- I thought you were great.
- You did?
Knock, knock.
You two womyn with a "y" decent?
- Mom, dad.
Won't stay long,
just wanted to bring you
these cups
of celebratory kombucha.
- Salud.
- Oh, Amy,
you couldn't feel
more like a daughter to me
if you came from my own womb.
I am overflowing with joy.
I didn't realize
you told your parents.
How did your mother
take the news?
She can be a little...
What's the word?
- Unevolved.
- Yes.
- I haven't told her yet.
Well, if she kicks you out,
you can always stay here.
This is a safe space.
Now let's get a pic of you two,
so I can send it
to your brother zen
in the peace corps.
This is just...
It's all so...
You know...
You two trailblazers
have fun loving each other.
- Okay.
- Seriously?
- I know. I know.
I shouldn't have told them.
I just knew that it would
make them so happy.
They've already joined pflag.
And I've finally trumped zen.
- What is pflag?
Parents and friends
of lesbians and gays.
It's in the dossier.
- Karma, I can't do this.
- I'll be right by your side
holding your hand
the whole time.
You with me?
? ?
- tickets, please.
- Names of your dates?
- Ryan gosling.
- Bradley Cooper.
Harrison Ford.
Lisbeth, enough
with your grandpa fetish.
It's gross.
I'm bringing Tommy,
my boyfriend.
How predictable.
50 bucks.
You just gave that guy
free tickets,
and he smells like
a field of armpits.
This year,
in support of our queens,
the homecoming theme is
"homecoming out."
Bring a same-sex date,
you get in free.
Everyone else, 50 bucks.
- That's so not fair.
It's like a heterosexual tax.
- Feels icky, doesn't it?
But all proceeds go
to the Trevor project,
a crisis and suicide hotline
for Igbtq youth,
so yay.
Everybody wins.
You two coming together?
- Leila! Lisbeth!
You get way too much pleasure
torturing her.
- Take over.
Please,
she's so two-dimensional,
she's practically a character
in glee.
So we're going to this thing
together, right?
Oh, I figured you'd be taking
one of your college boy toys.
Uh, they all think
I'm in college too.
Look, I thought I was saving you
50 bucks,
but if you're feeling squeamish
about it...
No, I don't feel squeamish
at all.
- Hey.
- ? Who can resist?
? So easily upstaged
- hey there, stranger.
- All hail the queen.
I am your humble servant.
Shut up.
I'm glad you got back together
with your girlfriend.
You two are like
the school's portia and Ellen.
Which one am I?
Please say portia.
Trust me,
you're the portia.
Which is why we probably
shouldn't make out again.
I don't want to be
the ass
That breaks up
hester's cutest couple.
The thing is, Amy and I
have an open relationship.
- You do?
- Yep.
The army may have repealed
don't ask, don't tell,
but here at hester,
it's alive and well.
So what happens
in the art studio
stays in the art studio?
- ? That, baby
being a lesbian
has its perks.
Or are you more bi?
- Not sure.
I always thought
that I was 100% lesbian-ic
until you came along.
- That is so hot.
- ? That's just the start ?
but I'm not looking
for a relationship.
My heart belongs to Amy.
- Yeah, deal.
- ? That I feel the most
- To be continued.
?
- meryl streep, watch out.
You're really going method
with this whole lesbian thing.
What do you want now,
a kidney?
- $50.
Just consider it interest
since you're taking forever
to pack up all this junk.
I hope you use it
to buy a conscience.
Said the girl
who's faking being a lesbian,
so she can be popular.
Guess who's having a sexy
secret affair with Liam booker.
Here's a clue.
It's me.
- Are you kidding?
- Crazy, right?
He's so into this lesbian thing.
I think if I play my cards
right, we could have sex.
Me and Liam booker.
- I thought the only reason
we were doing this
was to be popular.
- It is.
And popular people have sex
with other popular people.
People like Liam booker.
Why didn't we think of this
years ago?
- It was a more innocent time.
Well, now everyone's
lost their innocence but us.
But that could soon change,
thanks to you.
Best girlfriend ever.
I thought you always said
you wanted your first time
to be special.
It doesn't get
much more special
than the hottest guy
at school.
Well, let's hope no one
finds out you're cheating on me.
They'd think
you were a terrible person.
- You're upset.
- What? No.
I'm just annoyed I have to move.
You remember when we put those
on the ceiling,
so you wouldn't be afraid
of the dark?
I wasn't afraid,
I was anxious.
There's a difference.
- Amy?
- Mom.
- What are you two doing?
We're just talking
about our date to homecoming.
Dates, plural.
With boys.
- Oh, thank you, Jesus.
How exciting.
Oh, now, you tell this boy
to come over early for pictures.
And don't fight me on this,
it's a mother's right.
My mama did it to me.
Oh, speaking of Nana,
I've got to go and call her.
She is gonna be over the moon
that you have a date with a boy.
- Shoot me now.
Let me hear you say it,
Brenda.
- I am better than carnations.
- Never forget it.
Now, how about a new floral plan
by the end of the day?
Hey, everything coming along
for the big gala?
Have you picked out
your pantsuit?
- I need a favor.
- Anything for my queen.
You have to come over
and pretend to be my date.
- Slight revision.
When I said "anything for you,"
I meant anything but that.
You just have to meet my mom
and pose for a couple of photos.
I promise
my house has great lighting.
When I came out, I swore,
as God as my witness,
I would never pretend
to be someone else again.
- Well, Scarlett,
it's kind of your fault
I'm in this mess, remember?
So the least you can do
is help keep
my former beauty queen
republican mother
from finding out.
- Fine.
Mostly because I feel bad,
but also because she sounds
amazing.
What time?
- 7:00.
And butch it up a bit.
It needs to be believable.
- ? We're all snow ?
- we've got 12 minutes.
- Then stop talking.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
- Sorry.
Is that too far?
No, it's just...
This is my first time.
With a guy.
I'm just used to having sex
with lesbians.
Hey, I don't want
to push you
to do something
you don't want to do.
- Let's do this.
Here in the art room.
?
I would definitely
have a doctor
take a look at that.
- Yeah, cool, will do.
See you at the dance tonight?
- I'll be the one in the tiara.
- Yeah.
Well, well, well.
Lookee here.
- I asked for butch,
not Matthew McConaughey
from magic Mike.
- This is as butch as I get.
Now, where's this mother
you promised?
- Is that him?
Oh, my gosh.
Oh, my gosh.
You must be Shane.
I'm farrah, Amy's mom.
No way.
You are lying to me.
- Excuse me?
- Y'all must be sisters.
- Oh, stop it.
Oh, you are too cute.
We get that all the time.
Okay, you two get together.
I want to get a pic.
Where is that damn camera app?
- Mom, we have to go.
Not until I get proof
of how pretty you look.
Oh, is this a perfect night.
My daughter wears a dress,
and I get my first reporting
assignment.
Mom, you did?
That's great.
I can't wait to watch it.
- Well, you won't have to.
I pitched those lesbian queens
of yours to my boss,
and guess who he picked
to cover it.
Me.
Barbara Walters,
watch your back.
Okay, say cheese.
I'll see you two in a few.
Don't go breaking her heart.
- I couldn't if I tried.
Oh, you are too cute.
She's everything I hoped.
Guess what, the local news
is coming to interview us.
Guess what,
the local news is my mother.
Oh, my God.
What are we gonna do?
I'll stop her.
You stall.
Got it.
I'm on it.
Just hurry.
Karma, there you are.
Where's Amy?
Uh, she had to go home
and feed her fish.
I love lesbian humor.
Look, I didn't have a chance
to order a second tiara,
so would one of you be willing
to wear the crown?
I'm guessing Amy,
but I don't want
to make assumptions.
Yeah, that crown
is definitely more her.
In a world
with so much darkness,
you two are such bright lights.
Uh-huh.
- And...
- You too.
Excuse me.
- Yeah.
- ? I told you I
? I was stuck
? and it's gotten
out of hand ?
? my old ways
? my old ways have gone away
? today, I swear
? my old ways
? my old ways
have gone today ?
?
if I had known
we were going on a caper,
I wouldn't have worn boots.
They're so loud.
- Shh!
All clear.
You keep watch.
Have you had that in there
the whole time?
- I hate carrying a purse.
- So what's the plan?
We let the air
out of the tires on this van.
No tires, no van,
no coming out on the local news.
Okay, maybe this is
a little excessive.
When I came out,
I thought my dad
would either kick me out
or kill me,
but instead he let me record
project runway,
even though it conflicted
with his CSI reruns.
Now we watch it together.
He loves it when they go,
"thank you, mood."
It's adorable.
- We'll be right there.
- Well, if you can't find me,
it's because I'm having sex
with Liam booker.
- At the school dance?
Well, in his car,
so technically dance-adjacent.
The next time you see me,
I'll be a woman.
You don't sound very excited.
- Trust me, so excited.
It's just...
It's just kind of a big deal.
Do you really want
your first time
to be in the backseat
of a car?
- It has leather interior.
- Karma.
I got to run.
I'll call you later.
You scare me.
I like it.
There's another van?
?
I've been wanting to do this
for so long.
?
- me too.
Wait, how long?
- What?
- Have you wanted to do this?
What, have sex
with a lesbian?
Pretty much since birth.
I know it's cliche,
but what straight guy hasn't?
What?
What's wrong?
- I don't know.
I was into this.
Now I'm not.
What can I say?
I'm mercurial.
Sorry to be a tease,
but I should probably
get back to my girlfriend.
? Oh-ooh-oh, oh-ooh-oh,
oh-ooh-oh, oh ?
- ? huh
? oh-ooh-oh, oh-ooh-oh,
oh-ooh-oh, oh ?
- ? huh
? oh-ooh-oh, oh-ooh-oh,
oh-ooh-oh, oh ?
- ? huh
? oh-ooh-oh, oh-ooh-oh,
oh-ooh-oh, oh ?
- ? huh
? oh-ooh-oh, oh-ooh-oh,
oh-ooh-oh, oh ?
Lauren, thank God
I found you.
Love the dress.
Hey,
you're the wtxs weather girl.
I love you.
Especially when the cold fronts
come in from the north
and you have to reach up
on your tippy-toes...
Okay, Tommy.
What are you doing here?
I'm here to interview
those lesbian homecoming queens.
- Mom, mom.
- Have you seen them?
- Your mom is looking
for our lesbian
homecoming queens.
I told her.
They went home
with spina bifida...
To their tiny, tiny bedrooms.
Oh, I see a tiara.
Come on, Frank.
- Mom, wait.
- Karma?
- Mrs. raudenfeld.
What... what are you doing here?
- We're on in 30.
- Amy?
You knew about this?
- Mom, I wanted to tell you,
but I was afraid
you wouldn't approve.
- Oh, that's ridiculous.
- Really?
Honey,
her parents are so permissive,
it's no big surprise.
But I'm fine with it.
She's not my daughter.
Oh, but I do think
that you should dial back
the sleepovers.
- In ten.
Now, where is this
adorable girlfriend of yours?
?
- ? hard times never, ever
- I'm right here, mother.
- In three, two, one.
- Uh... uh...
You...
Lesbians?
Back to you, Steve.
- ? From the ground
? learning what came
before us ?
- Are you okay?
- Yeah.
That felt really good,
actually.
Want to dance?
? So come on,
hold me tighter ?
- enjoy your tiny bedroom.
- Burn!
That was so cold,
your nipples are showing.
Hey-o!
Made you look.
Support our queens
by grabbing your date
and hitting the dance floor.
- ? The stars came down
? for us last night
? we saw ourselves
- I don't get it.
We were rounding third
and heading home,
and all of a sudden,
she walks off the field.
- I'm so confused,
and not just
because of the sports analogy.
Who is this girl
you were hooking up with?
- I can't say.
You can tell me.
I won't tell anyone.
Fine, don't tell me.
I've just never been
rejected like that before.
Here, rest your head
on my shoulder.
No, I can't.
You're too short.
- Fine, I'll do it.
- I'm so proud of you.
- For fake coming out?
- For standing up for yourself.
I mean,
your mom's always giving you
those backhanded compliments.
Makes me want to punch her
in the baby maker.
Aw, thanks.
And I'm proud of you
for becoming a woman.
Did it hurt?
- Yeah, that didn't happen.
Oh, really?
Why not?
- You were right.
Liam just sees me
as this cool lesbian.
And I want my first time
to be special,
with someone who loves me.
- ? In my house
? to keep you by my side
which is why I'm gonna
make him fall in love with me.
- ? Don't stray ?
? don't go so far away ?
I worry you're not getting
anything out of this.
Maybe I need
a secret boyfriend too.
They sound super fun.
I'm Amy.
- Oliver.
- Time to occupy hester.
Liam's really
into this protest,
so I'm gonna be
the "protestiest" protester
who ever protested.
- Look who I found.
- Soleil!
Liam, can I steal you away
for a sec?
- She is so damn sexy.