Fairfax (2021–…): Season 2, Episode 5 - Episode #2.5 - full transcript
Mm, morning, Big Head.
Good morning, indeed.
Ey, I got to say, Cerise,
last night was the best collab
of all time.
Mm, you look so fire.
Let me screenshot.
Ooh.
Gram me like one
of your old moms.
Yo, did homeboy
fuck his phone last night?
You know what, boo?
I feel so good,
I think it's time
for a little morning montage.
Skrrt!
♪ We packin' Diamond Pistols...
Whoo!
♪ I'm poppin' bottles,
I went Hollywood...
Ain't y'all supposed to be
the athletes in the fam, fam?
♪ Yeah, motherfucker, yeah ♪
- Tart lyfe!
- ♪ Ay ♪
♪ They mad I made it
out the neighborhood...
Ey, Disco!
Phyly Phyl,
how we livin'?
Oh, yeah.
Ey, Trumanji is back, baby...
Oh, my fucking God!
Fire!
♪ Oh... ♪
- ♪ Waitin' for the... ♪
- ♪ Drop ♪
- ♪ Waitin' for... ♪
- ♪ The drop ♪
- ♪ Waitin' for the ♪
- ♪ Oh... ♪
♪ Waitin' for the ♪ ♪
Ey, yo, what the fuck
just happened?
I know our school is lit,
but this shit
is Michelle Obama level hot.
Man, I can't believe
someone torched
the gender-neutral
bathroom last night.
Who do you think did it?
Wait, yo, yo, yo!
Check it.
Unfairfactz just posted a wild
blind item about it on Insta.
Damn. For real?
When did Fairfax
go straight up CW in this bitch?
Dawg, Unfairfactz is the
hottest new blind gossip account
- on the Gram.
- Nobody knows who runs it,
but it's already the most
trustworthy source
of untrustworthy tea.
- Oh!
- Yo, I knew it was him.
Derica Stratton-Torres,
my office. Now.
Whatever it is, I'm innocent!
Get out your phones,
someone go live!
#FreeDerica.
Let's get it trending, people.
Ey, yo, Truman.
Let me holler
at you right quick.
P-dubs, for the last time,
I'm not following you
on Spotify.
Oh, th-this ain't
about all that.
Now, look,
due to last night's incident,
we'll be having an emergency
fire safety assembly
at the end of the day.
Unfortunately,
the fire safety video
- hasn't aged particularly well.
- Hold up.
How does fire safety age poorly?
Hey, little kids,
I'm Kevin Spacey.
Okay,
what about the one before that?
Hi, little kids,
I'm Woody Allen.
Uh, say no more, fam. We good.
That's why I need you to make me
a fire fire safety video.
Ooh, I'm honored, Weston,
but I'll need my gang gang,
full franchise rights
and a red carpet premiere
before the assembly.
Deal.
All right,
now one for Westy's feed.
Everybody say "guilty."
Guilty of what?
That's the
million-dollar question.
One of y'all is a murderer...
...of my reputation.
- Are you serious?
- Girl, please. - This is slander.
The rebel.
Whoops.
That's me and the missus
in Cabo.
The rebel.
The drama queen.
Cody's girlfriend.
And the new girl.
Y'all were the last four kids
at the school yesterday,
and Carl the janitor
placed y'all
near or around
the gender-neutral bathroom
at the approximate time
of the crime.
- Is this a joke?
- What?
I want my lawyer.
I'm sorry, but I find fires
to be extremely homophobic.
Stop calling things homophobic
just to confuse me,
'cause it does.
Damn kids giving me a headache.
One of y'all
lit a fire in the trash can
of the gender-neutral
bathroom last night.
And whoever it was used a Pussy
Hat Pink Girlbossier lipstick
to write "Weston is a binch"
on the bathroom mirror!
Are you serious?
What? Is "binch" funny?
Is it worse than a bitch?
I said, is it worse than bitch?
Answer me!
Fine, you want to do this
the hard way?
Come with me.
Gentlemen, this fire safety
video is gonna be my legacy.
The hottest directors
cut their teeth
making instructional films.
Jordan Peele got his start
making creepy-as-fuck
CPR videos.
Facts. That's canon.
Future Fairfax kings and queens
are gonna watch our video
when they accidentally
blow their hands off,
recharging their vape pens.
- All right.
- Yes.
Dale, my lil' clout scout,
you're on stunts
and pyrotechnics.
I need you to bring the heat.
Shh. Kapow.
Doesn't get hotter
than this guy right here.
Benny, you're my composer.
I need a blazing soundtrack
to bring out
the unbridled danger
- of these roaring flames.
- Dawg,
I got horns, I got woodwinds,
I got percussion.
I'm about to go Hans Zimmer
up in this bitch.
While you guys
work on that shit,
I'm gonna get us
the biggest names possible
to make this
a guaranteed banger.
I want people talking about
our video for the rest of time.
Let's go.
Hands in.
Gang Gang Productions on three.
One, two, three...
Gang Gang Productions!
The library?
But the Wi-Fi is terrible here.
I mean, how long are you gonna
keep us in this hellhole?
Until I get some answers.
And if no one comes forward
by the end of the school day,
y'all are suspended...
- Okay?
- Okay.
...from using your phones
in school.
What the fuck?!
- Are you high?
- You fucking psycho.
I will sue!
Oh, come on already, Derica.
Fess up,
so we can get out of here.
What, me?
What about you,
you spirit chair sociopath?
Everyone knows I haven't used
a school bathroom in years.
Oh.
So you just hold it in,
like a camel?
I'm sorry, who are you?
Jennifer. New girl.
Transferred from Our Lady
of Gaga Prep in Sacramento.
Parents work for the government.
I signed a thick NDA.
Can't really talk about it.
Mm.
Lily's got a point, Derica.
This type of activist vandalism
has your name spray-painted
all over it!
Really, Jules?
Coming from the guy
who lives for drama?
What's my motive? Hmm?
All I know is that I need to
get out of here ASAP,
because it's my second
Prankiversary with Cody,
and I cannot miss it.
Cute little white girl say what?
Prankiversary, duh.
It's a celebration of the first
time he pranked me.
We had just started dating,
and he shaved my eyebrows off
while I was sleeping.
Every year, he celebrates
by pranking me
super, super hard.
Ooh, check it.
This Unfairfactz poll
says 72% of people
think Derica is guilty.
That has got to count
for something.
They were right about Tommy G
when he was using imitation crab
in his hand rolls,
and they're right about you.
Oh, eat shit, spirit chair.
At Our Lady of Gaga,
when we needed
to settle a disagreement,
we either had a dance-off
or a mock trial.
Yes! I love mock trials!
Oh, wait, no, I'm thinking
of mock turtlenecks.
All right.
Pyrotechnics, how we doing?
Ready to rock, Tru.
Got my flint, kindling,
Duraflame Latrine log,
and a little fire extingy,
just in case this pup
gets out of control.
There we go, D-Money.
Benny, where we at
with my symphony, playboy?
Yo, check it out.
I got the best
12-year-old orchestra
money can buy:
the Fairfax Middle Philharmonic.
Beautiful.
Now all I need is my star.
Don't fret.
'Manda's here
and totally not losing it
without her mean gay
to base her personality on.
Yo, what happened to Jules?
His agents said he's in
detention, so we had to pivot.
Places, people.
All right,
we are stopping, dropping
and rolling.
Action.
This court is now in session.
Ooh, I always wanted
to say that.
Derica Stratton-Torres,
aka @tacoboutchange,
is it true that the lipstick
used at the scene of the crime
is from your discontinued line
of Girlbossier lipsticks?
Yeah.
So? I wouldn't be caught dead
repping that virtue-signaling
faux-feminist brand now.
Cut the lip-shtick.
Why were you
at school so late last night?
I was waiting for kayak traffic
to die down, obviously.
Oh, really,
that's, uh, interesting,
because according to
your sosh meed feed
you posted that
you were planning to
#SlayTheFoundation.
Ooh!
This is so good,
I'm gonna grab me some SkinnyPop
and cuddle up
with an Hermès blankie.
No, I was literally
slaying my foundation.
It's for my anti-makeup makeup
tutorials that I've been posting
to raise awareness
for natural beauty.
- Stay woke.
- Shit.
"Dareeca's" telling the truth.
What's up, it's your girl
Derica.
So today, we're gonna...
Whoa, whoa, wait, wait.
Pause the video.
...slay your foundation.
That looks
like New Girl.
Hey, w-what did you say
your name was?
Jessica.
Jennifer.
Hmm?
"JP plus HJC"?
Hyung-Joon Cho...
Oh, my God!
You're Jennifer,
from Benny's church.
Yo, this psycho lying binch
is from the Upside Down.
She definitely did it.
Oh, no, I'm ablaze!
What do I do?!
Gah, some of your
best work yet, Tru.
The fire, the music,
it all pops.
Hmm.
Damn it.
This vid is all sizzle
and no steak.
Yo, if this is gonna be
our legacy, we got to go bigger.
Say no more, fam.
We 'bout to turn
this lil' fire safety film
into a four-quadrant tentpole.
Ey, dawg, remember
that favor you owe me?
Well, slap some rosin on
that bow, 'cause I'm cashing in.
Jennifer Park,
is it true you pretended
to be a Spectrum repairman
so you could set up
hidden cameras
in Benny's room last April?
Yeah, and I'd do it again
in a heartbeat.
Talk about peak TV.
God, that's hot.
I wish someone
would Fatal Attraction me.
Why were you at school
last night?!
You don't even go here!
I transferred yesterday.
I had orientation.
I came to pick up
my class schedule.
Okay, stalkerazzi.
Then how do you explain this?
Looks like somebody
enjoys crafting
the occasional fire post.
Maybe a little too much?
That doesn't prove anything.
Oh, let me guess:
you burned down
your last school, too?
I'm sorry.
Y'all know where
Principal Weston is?
Boo wanted to have a drink
before Truman's premiere thingy.
Try the theater!
Why would I do this?
I didn't even meet this sad,
bald man until yesterday.
And I certainly didn't hate him
until he put me in detention.
I just...
Listen, I can't get in trouble
on my first day.
My parents will ship me
to Palo Alto
and force me
to get a coding job at Google.
I think she's telling the truth.
I-I would know.
I'm a raging thespian.
I lie professionally every day.
All right, Judge Julesy,
if you love drama so much,
why don't you take the hot seat?
Unlike the skeletons
in your closet,
I have nothing to hide.
I was born without a closet.
And then I built a new one
and redecorated it.
Chic, bitch.
Got to be honest, Jules,
I'm a big fan of your podcast.
Yeah, you and the other 53
Talking Sondheim subscribers.
So, I was listening to one
of your riveting episodes,
and I couldn't help but notice
that you said
some pretty mean stuff
about Principal Weston.
Like "ready to torch
a bathroom" mean!
It's not my fault he refused
to let me direct-slash-star
in a genderbent version
of Annie!
Wait, isn't that just Oliver?
You bite your tongue.
Genderblind casting
is the future.
Besides, any real ones know
I only write in cursive.
It's the only font
that openly identifies as queer.
So, it couldn't have been me.
See?
The handwriting
doesn't match.
By the way, bitch,
your shoe's untied.
Oh.
Hey!
I know that ugly anklet.
Missing something,
Spirit Binch?
Le scandale.
♪ Joaquin ♪ ♪
There he is!
Joaquin-Bean! Baby!
Yo, thanks so much
for doing this.
Hey, I'm humbled to be here,
Truman.
I mean,
as soon as I read the script,
I knew Safety Instructor #1
was the role of a lifetime.
'Manda, I hate to do this,
but you been bumped, baby.
I'm crushed.
But also used to it.
Truman, I want you to meet
Michael Babcock.
He hangs around Oy Vape
sometimes
and did the pyro stunts
for Chicago Fire.
They call me Icarus,
'cause I fly too close
to the sun.
Welcome aboard, Icarus.
'Ey, yo, yo, yo! We got Yo-Yo!
And... wait for it...
♪ Yeah ♪
♪ Pluto ♪ ♪
- What? Bro!
- No way!
...Future!
Yo-Yo, hit this shit,
you'll win a Grammy.
- Trust.
- Bitch, I already have, like, 20.
"Fire safety
the next big franchise?"
Now that's legacy.
So, tell me,
what was
your cringe-ass prank charm
doing at the scene of the crime?
Huh? Huh?!
I don't know.
I was
in a spirit chair meeting.
And then I went over to Cody's
to celebrate
our Prankiversary Eve.
Like, what? Duh.
Oh, that's funny.
Because,
according to Cody's TikTok,
he was alone last night.
Ladies and gentlemen,
I think we found our culprit!
Stop being such a binch, Derica.
You want the binch?
You can't handle the binch!
I was pooping, okay?!
W...
I get really bad anxiety poos!
I'm always stressing
because I don't know
what stupid prank
Cody's gonna pull next.
I live in a constant state
of fear, and I am sick of it!
Yes, I was in the bathroom
pooping.
But I swear I didn't do it.
I didn't!
Damn! This is
some real-ass shit.
Please don't tell anyone.
This could ruin me.
But if none of us did it,
who did?
I guess that means
we're all losing our phones.
And we're
gonna have to, like...
pay attention
in class now.
Now how am I supposed to track
Benny's every single move?
At least old Librarian Larsen
isn't bugging us
in our final hours
with her stank-ass
kombucha breath.
Mm, binch thinks
she's being so sneaky
with that mini fridge
under her desk.
We all know you got a problem, girl!
What do you think you're doing?
If we're going down,
we might as well get down.
♪ Whoa ♪
♪ Is it really coming round? ♪
♪ Whoa ♪
♪ Is it really coming round? ♪
- ♪ Oh ♪
- You guys want to know who killed Jeffrey Epstein?
- Yeah! - Oh!
- ♪ Is it really ♪
♪ Coming round? ♪ ♪
♪ Yo, yo ♪
♪ Hey-yo ♪
Help, help,
help, help, help, help!
♪ Dance for me ♪
♪ Yo, yo ♪
♪ Fortress...
Did we just...
Make a video promoting fire?
Damn, bro!
Soy...
binch to binch,
why'd you really switch schools?
Cheating scandal? Drugs?
Ooh, were you toxically
and systematically bullied?
Actually,
I did the bullying.
I was expelled for reverse
Whiplashing my music teacher.
In my defense though, he
wasn't pushing me hard enough.
That is the most bad binch thing
I've ever heard.
AOC is shaking.
Everyone at my old school
thought I was crazy. I just...
I didn't want to come into
this school with the same rep.
It's... it's hard enough
to make friends.
Especially when you're better
than everyone.
Then it's time
for a clean slate.
- Oh, my God. She's gonna do it. Do it, do it.
- Yes. Yes.
- Do it, do it, do it, do it, do it, do it, do it, do it, do it.
- I burn my Insta to the ground.
A new Jennifer rises
from the ashes.
'Kay, she is terrifying.
In the best way. We stan.
Honestly... I just...
I can't believe I told y'all
that I shit like a goose.
Girl, you got to do what's best for number one.
Even if that means
going number two.
Things with Cody
are just so complicated.
A-And people only see me as
one half of this perfect couple
that I don't even want
to be in anymore.
Without Cody and the Triangle,
what's my brand?
I'm nothing without him.
Hey. That's not true.
You're way more than that.
I'm sorry I was such
an accusatory binch earlier.
The truth is,
I wasn't waiting
for kayak traffic to die down.
I was crying in the chem lab.
Oh, my gosh. Derica.
Between Melody
and being a Derewolf
and being coopted
by an evil corporation,
I just needed a good cry.
And, look,
I love my gang gang... I do...
but it's super hard
opening up to a bunch of boys.
No offense, Jules.
Don't you dare label me.
I know my brand is strength
and kick-ass activism,
but sometimes
I don't feel very strong.
Sometimes I just want
to be vulnerable.
Wait. Uh-uh,
why am I sharing this?
Because we're friggin' friends.
We're totally friends.
I also have
a confession to make.
I have a standing appointment
with the school
guidance counselor.
And it's not because he's hot.
That's why I was at school.
He helps me
work through the fact that...
...I have no drama at home.
- Aw!
- Aw!
It's like my parents
are soy happy together
and they're sor supportive.
Uh, it's why I'm so hard
on 'Manda.
She gives me
my daily dose of vitamin D
that I need to stay
cah-linically quenched.
I don't fully understand the
problem, but I'm here for you.
My mom is
so freakin' perfect.
It kills me.
The worst thing I can say
is that she's addicted to Advil.
Yeah. It's like,
girl, at least use Ambien
and hide it in an Advil bottle!
That's it!
O-M-G!
You guys!
I know who did it.
Ugh, the premiere is
in 30 minutes and I got nothing.
My legacy is up in flames,
and I was just getting started.
Look, Truman, as a scout,
you know how important
fire safety is to me.
You can still do this.
You just got to show people
fire's not lit.
Dale's right, dawg.
Fuck the press
and that legacy shit.
Just go back
to making your movie.
You're right, bro.
I thought I was ready
for big budgets, but I'm not.
Even Ryan Coogler had
to make Fruitvale Station
before Marvel gave him
Black Panther.
'Ey, you guys got
one more take in you?
Oh! Oh. Oh, well, lookee here.
Question of the hour:
which one of y'all did it?
You did!
Say wha?
Break it down for him, binches.
The Advil you
keep popping is actually Ambien.
Your wife switched 'em out
because you prefer
the blue bottle, but you forgot
you're actually taking Ambien,
which explains why
you don't have any recollection
of what happened last night.
Oh, I actually still have
some breath left.
Girl, that is the craziest
- bunch of...
- Furthermore,
when your wife came into
the library looking for you,
she was wearing Pussy Hat Pink
Girlbossier lipstick,
the same shade
found on the bathroom mirror!
Now,
hold on just a second...
Also, the photo you posted
at approximately 7:49 p.m.
of you on the hood
of your Chrysler Sebring
was geotagged
from the gender-neutral bathroom
in question.
- But-but-but...
- And, finally,
the smoking gun:
the book on your desk.
Looks like "binch" has
more than one meaning today:
"bitch," "friend"
- and "Businessman In Charge"!
- Oh!
You got drunk
on Ambien last night,
stumbled into
the gender-neutral bathroom,
wrote on the mirror
with your wife's lipstick
and torched the place.
Any questions?
How much y'all want
to stay silent?
High five!
Bye, binch! Yes!
D! Our registered felon.
'Ey, saved you a seat.
We missed you today.
Aw, and I missed my gang gang.
But I'm gonna sit with
some new friends I made today.
Hold on, new friends? The fuck?
Don't trip. I'll see you
in, like, three minutes.
Hey!
Hi there!
I'm Hypy the Hypebeast,
and I'm hyped
to teach you about fire.
Grr, I'm Fire!
Woo...!
- Aah!
- You know what's not fire?
An out of control fire.
Careful there, flame,
'cause I'm 'bout to 'stinguish
your ass.
Hey, Fireman Benny,
hit me with a beat!
Oh, no!
I'm melting!
Goddamn you,
Hypy and your super safe ways.
Ha. And remember, kids,
fire is not lit.
No animals, minerals
or vegetables
were harmed in the making
of this fire safety video.
It's your moment, dawg!
Get up there!
Yeah! Give these
thirsty stans what they want!
Oh, my God,
I-I want to thank all the people
and all the fires everywhere.
Major shout to the one
who inspired me
to give directing another shot...
my support system for life,
my everything...
my girlfriend, Cerise!
- - What the fuck?!
- What the heck?
Oh, come on!
Did you guys know
he was back with Cerise?
I mean,
it's definitely fucked-up
that he didn't thank us.
But, hey, people be dating AIs.
I don't know
what Siri looks like,
but her voice
gives me butterflies.
Hey, do you think
she's listening to us
when we masturba...
Hey!
- Truman! There he is!
- Hey! - There's my man.
- My boy! - That was crazy!
- Hey, skank breath.
- Look, I'm sorry I'm so hard on you, but...
- Shut up!
Just shut up.
You had me at "skank breath."
So then I say to Padma,
"Thanks to me, you..."
Oh, babe! There you are!
We need to talk, Cody.
I am sick of the pranks, and I
am sick of the stupid Triangle.
I don't need you
or your cringe clout anymore.
I am gonna go find my own brand!
- Huh?
- What don't you get?
Dating you was
my charitable component.
We're through!
Happy Prankiversary, ya binch.
Oh, my dick!
Babe. Babe,
th-that was a prank, right?
Right?
Whoa. Lily dumped Cody?
Hi, Hyung-Joon.
Ooh, guess what.
I go here now.
And I hacked
the school database, so...
I'm in
all your classes.
Jesus Christ!
♪ The block is hot ♪
♪ The block is hot ♪
♪ The block is hot ♪
♪ The block is hot ♪ ♪
Chirp.
Good morning, indeed.
Ey, I got to say, Cerise,
last night was the best collab
of all time.
Mm, you look so fire.
Let me screenshot.
Ooh.
Gram me like one
of your old moms.
Yo, did homeboy
fuck his phone last night?
You know what, boo?
I feel so good,
I think it's time
for a little morning montage.
Skrrt!
♪ We packin' Diamond Pistols...
Whoo!
♪ I'm poppin' bottles,
I went Hollywood...
Ain't y'all supposed to be
the athletes in the fam, fam?
♪ Yeah, motherfucker, yeah ♪
- Tart lyfe!
- ♪ Ay ♪
♪ They mad I made it
out the neighborhood...
Ey, Disco!
Phyly Phyl,
how we livin'?
Oh, yeah.
Ey, Trumanji is back, baby...
Oh, my fucking God!
Fire!
♪ Oh... ♪
- ♪ Waitin' for the... ♪
- ♪ Drop ♪
- ♪ Waitin' for... ♪
- ♪ The drop ♪
- ♪ Waitin' for the ♪
- ♪ Oh... ♪
♪ Waitin' for the ♪ ♪
Ey, yo, what the fuck
just happened?
I know our school is lit,
but this shit
is Michelle Obama level hot.
Man, I can't believe
someone torched
the gender-neutral
bathroom last night.
Who do you think did it?
Wait, yo, yo, yo!
Check it.
Unfairfactz just posted a wild
blind item about it on Insta.
Damn. For real?
When did Fairfax
go straight up CW in this bitch?
Dawg, Unfairfactz is the
hottest new blind gossip account
- on the Gram.
- Nobody knows who runs it,
but it's already the most
trustworthy source
of untrustworthy tea.
- Oh!
- Yo, I knew it was him.
Derica Stratton-Torres,
my office. Now.
Whatever it is, I'm innocent!
Get out your phones,
someone go live!
#FreeDerica.
Let's get it trending, people.
Ey, yo, Truman.
Let me holler
at you right quick.
P-dubs, for the last time,
I'm not following you
on Spotify.
Oh, th-this ain't
about all that.
Now, look,
due to last night's incident,
we'll be having an emergency
fire safety assembly
at the end of the day.
Unfortunately,
the fire safety video
- hasn't aged particularly well.
- Hold up.
How does fire safety age poorly?
Hey, little kids,
I'm Kevin Spacey.
Okay,
what about the one before that?
Hi, little kids,
I'm Woody Allen.
Uh, say no more, fam. We good.
That's why I need you to make me
a fire fire safety video.
Ooh, I'm honored, Weston,
but I'll need my gang gang,
full franchise rights
and a red carpet premiere
before the assembly.
Deal.
All right,
now one for Westy's feed.
Everybody say "guilty."
Guilty of what?
That's the
million-dollar question.
One of y'all is a murderer...
...of my reputation.
- Are you serious?
- Girl, please. - This is slander.
The rebel.
Whoops.
That's me and the missus
in Cabo.
The rebel.
The drama queen.
Cody's girlfriend.
And the new girl.
Y'all were the last four kids
at the school yesterday,
and Carl the janitor
placed y'all
near or around
the gender-neutral bathroom
at the approximate time
of the crime.
- Is this a joke?
- What?
I want my lawyer.
I'm sorry, but I find fires
to be extremely homophobic.
Stop calling things homophobic
just to confuse me,
'cause it does.
Damn kids giving me a headache.
One of y'all
lit a fire in the trash can
of the gender-neutral
bathroom last night.
And whoever it was used a Pussy
Hat Pink Girlbossier lipstick
to write "Weston is a binch"
on the bathroom mirror!
Are you serious?
What? Is "binch" funny?
Is it worse than a bitch?
I said, is it worse than bitch?
Answer me!
Fine, you want to do this
the hard way?
Come with me.
Gentlemen, this fire safety
video is gonna be my legacy.
The hottest directors
cut their teeth
making instructional films.
Jordan Peele got his start
making creepy-as-fuck
CPR videos.
Facts. That's canon.
Future Fairfax kings and queens
are gonna watch our video
when they accidentally
blow their hands off,
recharging their vape pens.
- All right.
- Yes.
Dale, my lil' clout scout,
you're on stunts
and pyrotechnics.
I need you to bring the heat.
Shh. Kapow.
Doesn't get hotter
than this guy right here.
Benny, you're my composer.
I need a blazing soundtrack
to bring out
the unbridled danger
- of these roaring flames.
- Dawg,
I got horns, I got woodwinds,
I got percussion.
I'm about to go Hans Zimmer
up in this bitch.
While you guys
work on that shit,
I'm gonna get us
the biggest names possible
to make this
a guaranteed banger.
I want people talking about
our video for the rest of time.
Let's go.
Hands in.
Gang Gang Productions on three.
One, two, three...
Gang Gang Productions!
The library?
But the Wi-Fi is terrible here.
I mean, how long are you gonna
keep us in this hellhole?
Until I get some answers.
And if no one comes forward
by the end of the school day,
y'all are suspended...
- Okay?
- Okay.
...from using your phones
in school.
What the fuck?!
- Are you high?
- You fucking psycho.
I will sue!
Oh, come on already, Derica.
Fess up,
so we can get out of here.
What, me?
What about you,
you spirit chair sociopath?
Everyone knows I haven't used
a school bathroom in years.
Oh.
So you just hold it in,
like a camel?
I'm sorry, who are you?
Jennifer. New girl.
Transferred from Our Lady
of Gaga Prep in Sacramento.
Parents work for the government.
I signed a thick NDA.
Can't really talk about it.
Mm.
Lily's got a point, Derica.
This type of activist vandalism
has your name spray-painted
all over it!
Really, Jules?
Coming from the guy
who lives for drama?
What's my motive? Hmm?
All I know is that I need to
get out of here ASAP,
because it's my second
Prankiversary with Cody,
and I cannot miss it.
Cute little white girl say what?
Prankiversary, duh.
It's a celebration of the first
time he pranked me.
We had just started dating,
and he shaved my eyebrows off
while I was sleeping.
Every year, he celebrates
by pranking me
super, super hard.
Ooh, check it.
This Unfairfactz poll
says 72% of people
think Derica is guilty.
That has got to count
for something.
They were right about Tommy G
when he was using imitation crab
in his hand rolls,
and they're right about you.
Oh, eat shit, spirit chair.
At Our Lady of Gaga,
when we needed
to settle a disagreement,
we either had a dance-off
or a mock trial.
Yes! I love mock trials!
Oh, wait, no, I'm thinking
of mock turtlenecks.
All right.
Pyrotechnics, how we doing?
Ready to rock, Tru.
Got my flint, kindling,
Duraflame Latrine log,
and a little fire extingy,
just in case this pup
gets out of control.
There we go, D-Money.
Benny, where we at
with my symphony, playboy?
Yo, check it out.
I got the best
12-year-old orchestra
money can buy:
the Fairfax Middle Philharmonic.
Beautiful.
Now all I need is my star.
Don't fret.
'Manda's here
and totally not losing it
without her mean gay
to base her personality on.
Yo, what happened to Jules?
His agents said he's in
detention, so we had to pivot.
Places, people.
All right,
we are stopping, dropping
and rolling.
Action.
This court is now in session.
Ooh, I always wanted
to say that.
Derica Stratton-Torres,
aka @tacoboutchange,
is it true that the lipstick
used at the scene of the crime
is from your discontinued line
of Girlbossier lipsticks?
Yeah.
So? I wouldn't be caught dead
repping that virtue-signaling
faux-feminist brand now.
Cut the lip-shtick.
Why were you
at school so late last night?
I was waiting for kayak traffic
to die down, obviously.
Oh, really,
that's, uh, interesting,
because according to
your sosh meed feed
you posted that
you were planning to
#SlayTheFoundation.
Ooh!
This is so good,
I'm gonna grab me some SkinnyPop
and cuddle up
with an Hermès blankie.
No, I was literally
slaying my foundation.
It's for my anti-makeup makeup
tutorials that I've been posting
to raise awareness
for natural beauty.
- Stay woke.
- Shit.
"Dareeca's" telling the truth.
What's up, it's your girl
Derica.
So today, we're gonna...
Whoa, whoa, wait, wait.
Pause the video.
...slay your foundation.
That looks
like New Girl.
Hey, w-what did you say
your name was?
Jessica.
Jennifer.
Hmm?
"JP plus HJC"?
Hyung-Joon Cho...
Oh, my God!
You're Jennifer,
from Benny's church.
Yo, this psycho lying binch
is from the Upside Down.
She definitely did it.
Oh, no, I'm ablaze!
What do I do?!
Gah, some of your
best work yet, Tru.
The fire, the music,
it all pops.
Hmm.
Damn it.
This vid is all sizzle
and no steak.
Yo, if this is gonna be
our legacy, we got to go bigger.
Say no more, fam.
We 'bout to turn
this lil' fire safety film
into a four-quadrant tentpole.
Ey, dawg, remember
that favor you owe me?
Well, slap some rosin on
that bow, 'cause I'm cashing in.
Jennifer Park,
is it true you pretended
to be a Spectrum repairman
so you could set up
hidden cameras
in Benny's room last April?
Yeah, and I'd do it again
in a heartbeat.
Talk about peak TV.
God, that's hot.
I wish someone
would Fatal Attraction me.
Why were you at school
last night?!
You don't even go here!
I transferred yesterday.
I had orientation.
I came to pick up
my class schedule.
Okay, stalkerazzi.
Then how do you explain this?
Looks like somebody
enjoys crafting
the occasional fire post.
Maybe a little too much?
That doesn't prove anything.
Oh, let me guess:
you burned down
your last school, too?
I'm sorry.
Y'all know where
Principal Weston is?
Boo wanted to have a drink
before Truman's premiere thingy.
Try the theater!
Why would I do this?
I didn't even meet this sad,
bald man until yesterday.
And I certainly didn't hate him
until he put me in detention.
I just...
Listen, I can't get in trouble
on my first day.
My parents will ship me
to Palo Alto
and force me
to get a coding job at Google.
I think she's telling the truth.
I-I would know.
I'm a raging thespian.
I lie professionally every day.
All right, Judge Julesy,
if you love drama so much,
why don't you take the hot seat?
Unlike the skeletons
in your closet,
I have nothing to hide.
I was born without a closet.
And then I built a new one
and redecorated it.
Chic, bitch.
Got to be honest, Jules,
I'm a big fan of your podcast.
Yeah, you and the other 53
Talking Sondheim subscribers.
So, I was listening to one
of your riveting episodes,
and I couldn't help but notice
that you said
some pretty mean stuff
about Principal Weston.
Like "ready to torch
a bathroom" mean!
It's not my fault he refused
to let me direct-slash-star
in a genderbent version
of Annie!
Wait, isn't that just Oliver?
You bite your tongue.
Genderblind casting
is the future.
Besides, any real ones know
I only write in cursive.
It's the only font
that openly identifies as queer.
So, it couldn't have been me.
See?
The handwriting
doesn't match.
By the way, bitch,
your shoe's untied.
Oh.
Hey!
I know that ugly anklet.
Missing something,
Spirit Binch?
Le scandale.
♪ Joaquin ♪ ♪
There he is!
Joaquin-Bean! Baby!
Yo, thanks so much
for doing this.
Hey, I'm humbled to be here,
Truman.
I mean,
as soon as I read the script,
I knew Safety Instructor #1
was the role of a lifetime.
'Manda, I hate to do this,
but you been bumped, baby.
I'm crushed.
But also used to it.
Truman, I want you to meet
Michael Babcock.
He hangs around Oy Vape
sometimes
and did the pyro stunts
for Chicago Fire.
They call me Icarus,
'cause I fly too close
to the sun.
Welcome aboard, Icarus.
'Ey, yo, yo, yo! We got Yo-Yo!
And... wait for it...
♪ Yeah ♪
♪ Pluto ♪ ♪
- What? Bro!
- No way!
...Future!
Yo-Yo, hit this shit,
you'll win a Grammy.
- Trust.
- Bitch, I already have, like, 20.
"Fire safety
the next big franchise?"
Now that's legacy.
So, tell me,
what was
your cringe-ass prank charm
doing at the scene of the crime?
Huh? Huh?!
I don't know.
I was
in a spirit chair meeting.
And then I went over to Cody's
to celebrate
our Prankiversary Eve.
Like, what? Duh.
Oh, that's funny.
Because,
according to Cody's TikTok,
he was alone last night.
Ladies and gentlemen,
I think we found our culprit!
Stop being such a binch, Derica.
You want the binch?
You can't handle the binch!
I was pooping, okay?!
W...
I get really bad anxiety poos!
I'm always stressing
because I don't know
what stupid prank
Cody's gonna pull next.
I live in a constant state
of fear, and I am sick of it!
Yes, I was in the bathroom
pooping.
But I swear I didn't do it.
I didn't!
Damn! This is
some real-ass shit.
Please don't tell anyone.
This could ruin me.
But if none of us did it,
who did?
I guess that means
we're all losing our phones.
And we're
gonna have to, like...
pay attention
in class now.
Now how am I supposed to track
Benny's every single move?
At least old Librarian Larsen
isn't bugging us
in our final hours
with her stank-ass
kombucha breath.
Mm, binch thinks
she's being so sneaky
with that mini fridge
under her desk.
We all know you got a problem, girl!
What do you think you're doing?
If we're going down,
we might as well get down.
♪ Whoa ♪
♪ Is it really coming round? ♪
♪ Whoa ♪
♪ Is it really coming round? ♪
- ♪ Oh ♪
- You guys want to know who killed Jeffrey Epstein?
- Yeah! - Oh!
- ♪ Is it really ♪
♪ Coming round? ♪ ♪
♪ Yo, yo ♪
♪ Hey-yo ♪
Help, help,
help, help, help, help!
♪ Dance for me ♪
♪ Yo, yo ♪
♪ Fortress...
Did we just...
Make a video promoting fire?
Damn, bro!
Soy...
binch to binch,
why'd you really switch schools?
Cheating scandal? Drugs?
Ooh, were you toxically
and systematically bullied?
Actually,
I did the bullying.
I was expelled for reverse
Whiplashing my music teacher.
In my defense though, he
wasn't pushing me hard enough.
That is the most bad binch thing
I've ever heard.
AOC is shaking.
Everyone at my old school
thought I was crazy. I just...
I didn't want to come into
this school with the same rep.
It's... it's hard enough
to make friends.
Especially when you're better
than everyone.
Then it's time
for a clean slate.
- Oh, my God. She's gonna do it. Do it, do it.
- Yes. Yes.
- Do it, do it, do it, do it, do it, do it, do it, do it, do it.
- I burn my Insta to the ground.
A new Jennifer rises
from the ashes.
'Kay, she is terrifying.
In the best way. We stan.
Honestly... I just...
I can't believe I told y'all
that I shit like a goose.
Girl, you got to do what's best for number one.
Even if that means
going number two.
Things with Cody
are just so complicated.
A-And people only see me as
one half of this perfect couple
that I don't even want
to be in anymore.
Without Cody and the Triangle,
what's my brand?
I'm nothing without him.
Hey. That's not true.
You're way more than that.
I'm sorry I was such
an accusatory binch earlier.
The truth is,
I wasn't waiting
for kayak traffic to die down.
I was crying in the chem lab.
Oh, my gosh. Derica.
Between Melody
and being a Derewolf
and being coopted
by an evil corporation,
I just needed a good cry.
And, look,
I love my gang gang... I do...
but it's super hard
opening up to a bunch of boys.
No offense, Jules.
Don't you dare label me.
I know my brand is strength
and kick-ass activism,
but sometimes
I don't feel very strong.
Sometimes I just want
to be vulnerable.
Wait. Uh-uh,
why am I sharing this?
Because we're friggin' friends.
We're totally friends.
I also have
a confession to make.
I have a standing appointment
with the school
guidance counselor.
And it's not because he's hot.
That's why I was at school.
He helps me
work through the fact that...
...I have no drama at home.
- Aw!
- Aw!
It's like my parents
are soy happy together
and they're sor supportive.
Uh, it's why I'm so hard
on 'Manda.
She gives me
my daily dose of vitamin D
that I need to stay
cah-linically quenched.
I don't fully understand the
problem, but I'm here for you.
My mom is
so freakin' perfect.
It kills me.
The worst thing I can say
is that she's addicted to Advil.
Yeah. It's like,
girl, at least use Ambien
and hide it in an Advil bottle!
That's it!
O-M-G!
You guys!
I know who did it.
Ugh, the premiere is
in 30 minutes and I got nothing.
My legacy is up in flames,
and I was just getting started.
Look, Truman, as a scout,
you know how important
fire safety is to me.
You can still do this.
You just got to show people
fire's not lit.
Dale's right, dawg.
Fuck the press
and that legacy shit.
Just go back
to making your movie.
You're right, bro.
I thought I was ready
for big budgets, but I'm not.
Even Ryan Coogler had
to make Fruitvale Station
before Marvel gave him
Black Panther.
'Ey, you guys got
one more take in you?
Oh! Oh. Oh, well, lookee here.
Question of the hour:
which one of y'all did it?
You did!
Say wha?
Break it down for him, binches.
The Advil you
keep popping is actually Ambien.
Your wife switched 'em out
because you prefer
the blue bottle, but you forgot
you're actually taking Ambien,
which explains why
you don't have any recollection
of what happened last night.
Oh, I actually still have
some breath left.
Girl, that is the craziest
- bunch of...
- Furthermore,
when your wife came into
the library looking for you,
she was wearing Pussy Hat Pink
Girlbossier lipstick,
the same shade
found on the bathroom mirror!
Now,
hold on just a second...
Also, the photo you posted
at approximately 7:49 p.m.
of you on the hood
of your Chrysler Sebring
was geotagged
from the gender-neutral bathroom
in question.
- But-but-but...
- And, finally,
the smoking gun:
the book on your desk.
Looks like "binch" has
more than one meaning today:
"bitch," "friend"
- and "Businessman In Charge"!
- Oh!
You got drunk
on Ambien last night,
stumbled into
the gender-neutral bathroom,
wrote on the mirror
with your wife's lipstick
and torched the place.
Any questions?
How much y'all want
to stay silent?
High five!
Bye, binch! Yes!
D! Our registered felon.
'Ey, saved you a seat.
We missed you today.
Aw, and I missed my gang gang.
But I'm gonna sit with
some new friends I made today.
Hold on, new friends? The fuck?
Don't trip. I'll see you
in, like, three minutes.
Hey!
Hi there!
I'm Hypy the Hypebeast,
and I'm hyped
to teach you about fire.
Grr, I'm Fire!
Woo...!
- Aah!
- You know what's not fire?
An out of control fire.
Careful there, flame,
'cause I'm 'bout to 'stinguish
your ass.
Hey, Fireman Benny,
hit me with a beat!
Oh, no!
I'm melting!
Goddamn you,
Hypy and your super safe ways.
Ha. And remember, kids,
fire is not lit.
No animals, minerals
or vegetables
were harmed in the making
of this fire safety video.
It's your moment, dawg!
Get up there!
Yeah! Give these
thirsty stans what they want!
Oh, my God,
I-I want to thank all the people
and all the fires everywhere.
Major shout to the one
who inspired me
to give directing another shot...
my support system for life,
my everything...
my girlfriend, Cerise!
- - What the fuck?!
- What the heck?
Oh, come on!
Did you guys know
he was back with Cerise?
I mean,
it's definitely fucked-up
that he didn't thank us.
But, hey, people be dating AIs.
I don't know
what Siri looks like,
but her voice
gives me butterflies.
Hey, do you think
she's listening to us
when we masturba...
Hey!
- Truman! There he is!
- Hey! - There's my man.
- My boy! - That was crazy!
- Hey, skank breath.
- Look, I'm sorry I'm so hard on you, but...
- Shut up!
Just shut up.
You had me at "skank breath."
So then I say to Padma,
"Thanks to me, you..."
Oh, babe! There you are!
We need to talk, Cody.
I am sick of the pranks, and I
am sick of the stupid Triangle.
I don't need you
or your cringe clout anymore.
I am gonna go find my own brand!
- Huh?
- What don't you get?
Dating you was
my charitable component.
We're through!
Happy Prankiversary, ya binch.
Oh, my dick!
Babe. Babe,
th-that was a prank, right?
Right?
Whoa. Lily dumped Cody?
Hi, Hyung-Joon.
Ooh, guess what.
I go here now.
And I hacked
the school database, so...
I'm in
all your classes.
Jesus Christ!
♪ The block is hot ♪
♪ The block is hot ♪
♪ The block is hot ♪
♪ The block is hot ♪ ♪
Chirp.