F Troop (1965–1967): Season 2, Episode 19 - The Sergeant and the Kid - full transcript
A ten year old boy shows up at Fort Courage and wants to join up.
[♪♪♪]
Vanderbilt, you're dead.
But, Agarn, I
didn't even see you.
Well, now, that's the way it
goes in the war-games game.
Aw, gee, Agarn.
Now, Vanderbilt, be a brave
little soldier and lie down.
I'm outta the game
before it even started.
Now, don't argue.
[♪♪♪]
Good work, Running Deer
Who Goes Swift Like Rabbit
With Thorn in Cottontail.
Thank you, Big Chief Big Bear.
Now, Little Skunk, you
and the other braves...
Captain. Yes, Dobbs?
I'd like to change my name.
Dobbs, I gave you that
name, and that is that.
Why should you be Running
Deer and me Little Skunk?
Actually, I'm much
faster than you are.
But I smell better
than you, Dobbs.
Now, now, men. Let's
not argue about names.
Now, we've got a chance
to surprise the troopers
and win these war games.
The captain's right.
Now, men, follow me.
And let's whoop it up.
[ALL WHOOPING]
[WHOOPING]
Hey, they got
through the gate, men.
Fan out.
I got you, Duffy. You're dead.
Who's dead? I
knew you were there.
Bang, bang!
Come on, Duffy. You gotta
lie down and play dead.
Make me.
Duddleson,
watch out for that
Indian up on the roof.
Bang, bang. You're dead, Agarn.
Sarge, that was a lucky shot.
You didn't know an Indian
was sneaking up on you.
No, I thought it
was an elephant.
I could've got you
with my tomahawk.
Look, let's face it, I
got the drop on you.
Now you're dead. Lay
down, that's an order.
Me Running Dear. Me only take
orders from Big Chief Big Bear.
You're asking for it, Agarn.
Ohhh!
[BOTH YELLING]
PARMENTER: Men, men, men...
Now, hold it. Now,
it's only a game.
You've gotta stop this.
Hau, sergeant. Hau.
We got the whole
fort captured, chief,
but these guys won't admit it.
Actually, sergeant, I think the
war games were about a draw.
And since we're a
peace-loving tribe,
we're willing to
negotiate a treaty.
It takes a big man to
do a big thing like that.
That's why we call
him Big Chief Big Bear.
Thank you, Running Deer
Who Goes Swift Like Rabbit
With Thorn in Cottontail.
That's your Indian name?
My friends call me Deer.
You'll never guess
in a million years
what they named me, sarge.
Little Skunk?
You shouldn't have asked, Dobbs!
The war games
are over, sergeant.
Get all the Indians
back in their uniforms.
Yes, sir.
I mean:
All right, you Injuns,
get out of those suits and
back into your uniforms.
That means you too, Deer.
You savage! You
killed my Wilton!
Janey, it's me,
Big Chief Big Bear!
I mean Wilton.
Oh, Wilton. You're alive.
Now I know how an Indian
feels when he bites the dust.
Oh, please forgive me.
But I'm upset anyway.
When I thought you had
killed you, I just went to pieces.
What are you upset about, Jane?
It's little Joey Walker.
He's been missing
from his mother's
farm since yesterday.
He has? Well, now,
don't you worry, Jane.
We'll find him. We'll find him.
PARMENTER: Sergeant?
Sergeant O'Rourke?
Here.
How. Yes, sir?
The little Walker boy has
been missing since yesterday.
You'd better get your men
and organize a search party.
Right, sir.
All right, men.
Prepare to mount.
Huh-ut!
All right, move out.
[♪♪♪]
[♪♪♪]
[♪♪♪]
Search party reporting, sir.
Any luck, sergeant?
I'm sorry, sir. We
couldn't find the kid.
Oh, well, Corporal Agarn
and I will take out another party
while your men rest.
Dobbs, blow "Assembly."
All right, bed 'em
down, clean 'em up.
[PLAYING "ASSEMBLY" POORLY]
AGARN: Here we go now!
With the troop strength.
We're gonna move out in
order of twos and threes.
Now, check rations and ammo.
And I want your canteens filled.
We're moving out
on a mission of mercy.
We're going to look
for little Joey Walker.
Captain Parmenter?
Later, Joey. Corporal
Agarn is giving orders.
Now, we'll ride as
far as Dribble Creek.
I'll take Dobbs and Duddleson.
Uh, Corporal Agarn. Yes, sir.
This is Joey Walker.
I know that, sir.
Now, the first man
that sees Joey Walker
fires three shots into the air.
Then, we'll check our
positions from there...
Joey!
All right, men, dismissed.
Joey, what are you
doing here in the fort?
I've come to enlist
in the cavalry.
Ah, don't you think you
better run along home?
Your mother must be
worried sick about you.
I'm not going home
anymore. I wanna be a soldier.
Oh, I'm afraid that's
not possible, Joey.
You're underage.
How old do you have
to be to join the cavalry?
PARMENTER: Eighteen.
I'm 19.
[ALL LAUGHING]
All right. Hey, Joe. Come
on, I'll take you home, huh?
You don't have to take
me home, sergeant.
Here comes my mother now.
Oh, Joey. You're safe.
Captain Parmenter, I...
I want to thank you and
your men for finding my son.
Oh, we didn't find him.
No, he came to
the fort to enlist.
The only thing is, we
already got enough troopers
that need a nap
in the afternoon.
Sergeant, I don't
find that amusing.
In fact, I don't find anything
about the cavalry amusing.
Get your things, Joey.
We're going home.
But, Mom, I wanna be a soldier.
Get your things.
I hope you won't
punish him, Mrs. Walker.
There's nothing terrible in a
boy wanting to be a soldier.
As far as I'm
concerned, captain,
I'd rather have a son who
wanted to be the town drunk.
Oh, I wouldn't encourage
that, Mrs. Walker.
Keep getting thrown
out of saloons,
have to sleep in the streets,
waking up in the morning
with those terrible hangovers.
Of course, there
are the free lunches.
Good day, gentlemen.
If she was my mother, I'd
run away from home too.
Oh, you can't blame
her too much, corporal.
She's the widow
of a cavalry trooper.
With the captain's permission,
I'd like to have
a word with her.
Certainly, sergeant.
Thank you.
Oh, Mrs. Walker?
Yes, sergeant?
I understand how you
feel about the cavalry,
but I think you're going
about this thing all wrong.
I don't think you're the one
to talk about raising a son.
Since it's obvious you've
never been a mother.
I never been a canary
either, but I know how to sing.
If I wanted advice from
a bird, I'd go to an owl.
Wait a minute.
Do you think taking him home now
is gonna keep him from
running away again?
Unless you lock him up,
you're gonna be looking
for him in every cavalry post.
If I don't lock him up,
what's the alternative?
Leave him here with
me for a couple days.
I'll show him that
being a horse soldier
is not quite as exciting
as a little boy thinks.
I'll look after him.
All right, sergeant.
We'll do it your way.
And if it works, you can
give me singing lessons too.
[♪♪♪]
Men, today, F Troop would
like to welcome its newest recruit,
Private Joey Walker.
Of course, he hasn't been
formally inducted into the Army,
but he is going to take part in
our physical-fitness program.
Now, men, I'm turning you
over to your athletic instructor,
Corporal Randolph Agarn.
Corporal, take charge.
Troop, ten-hut!
Left face!
Forward march!
I'm sure after five
minutes of exercise,
Joey will be glad to
get back to his mother.
That was an
excellent idea of yours.
Thank you, sir. Thank you.
You know, I can't understand
why Mrs. Walker has been
a widow all these years.
She's certainly an
attractive woman.
Oh, I hadn't noticed, sir.
Well, I've always admired
women with blue eyes.
Well, they're not blue, sir.
They're hazel with
brownish flecks.
They just look blue
when the light hits them
because her lashes are so long.
Oh, really, sergeant?
I hadn't noticed.
Ten-hut!
Now, men, your first exercise:
You're gonna take your right
hand and touch your left toe.
Then you're gonna take your
left hand and touch your right toe.
Ready?
Agarn, why can't we touch
our right toe with our right hand
and our left toe
with our left hand?
That's why.
All right. On the count.
Here we go.
And one, and two.
Hold it. Hold it. Duddleson.
Duddleson, at the count of two,
you're supposed to stand up.
I can't. My back just went out.
Mine too, Agarn.
It's that old shrapnel
wound I got at the Alamo.
There we were, me
and Davy Crockett,
shoulder to shoulder,
our backs to the wall.
Duffy, Duffy, never
mind, never mind.
All right, you two,
back to the barracks.
Now, the rest of you,
get ready for the
second exercise.
You're gonna put your
hands on your chest,
and when I count,
it's gonna go this way:
One, two. One, two.
All right, here we go.
Hands on chest, pace.
One, two. One...
Hold it, hold it.
Stanley, you and Livingstone
carry those troopers
back to the barracks.
The rest of you, Lewis,
Clark, Gilbert and Sullivan,
get ready for a
double-time march.
It's gonna be once
around the wagon,
then we swing around the
well, then back to the flagpole.
All right. Left face, turn.
Double time, march.
Vanderbilt, the
wagon's over there.
Everybody halt!
That was some
plan you had, sarge.
Joey's still in the Army, and
we just wiped out F Troop.
[♪♪♪]
You sent for me,
sir? Yes, sergeant.
Janey just talked with
Joey Walker's mother,
and she's upset the
boy isn't back yet.
It's just a question
of time, sir.
Mrs. Walker wanted me
to give you a message.
Oh, what's that?
"You may never
have been a canary,
but your advice
is for the birds."
What does that mean?
Oh, that's a little joke
that she and I had, sir.
Well, she wasn't
laughing when I saw her.
Maybe we better just
send the boy home.
Captain, if you'll just
give me a little more time.
I'm sure that I can make
the boy want to go home.
Very well, sergeant.
I'll give you till tomorrow.
Thank you, sir.
Wilton, do you think O'Rourke
can get Joey to go
back to his mother?
I hope so.
How'd you like to see him
and Mrs. Walker get together?
But Mrs. Walker doesn't like
horse soldiers the way I do.
I just love 'em.
[GRUNTING]
Janey, please, not
in front of the men.
But there aren't
any of 'em around.
Well, then, not in front of me.
Hey, Agarn... Yes, sarge?
Joey, uh, j-just give
me the razor, huh?
That's a good boy.
Bud, are you out of your mind,
letting this boy shave
with a straight razor?
Well, sarge, he's shaving
with the dull side of the razor.
Next job, using the right side.
Think I felt some
fuzz this morning.
Fine, that's fine. All right,
go outside and clean up.
Right, sarge. See
you later, corporal.
What do you mean,
letting him shave?
What's wrong with that?
Don't you get it?
He's not supposed
to have any fun here.
Tomorrow, let him shave
with the sharp side of the blade.
I don't want you treating
him like a real soldier,
now, do you understand that?
Sarge, he's the only
soldier we got today.
The rest of the troop
is up on sick call.
I know, I know,
but I've gotta
figure out some way
to make that boy want
to go home to his mother.
Not a chance, sarge.
Joey wants to be
where the action is.
He keeps saying, "You can't
be an Indian fighter on a farm."
I know, I...
[CHUCKLES]
Agarn...
I don't know why everybody
says you're so dumb.
Attack farmhouse?!
A widow and kid?!
Never!
Who says I'm dumb?!
Never mind, Agarn.
Hekawis are nice, kind,
sweet, gentle people.
We're adorable.
I know, Wild Eagle, but...
It's been over 100 years
since Hekawi braves
attacked farmhouse
with defenseless
widow and little boy.
And we lost.
Look, Wild Eagle, nobody's
gonna get hurt in this attack.
That's right. We just
wanna show this boy
that his mother will need
him in case the Indians attack.
All right, let's get
down to business.
Ah! Here.
Now... how many braves you want?
Uh... ten braves.
All on horses.
And with war paint.
And lots of yellin'
and screamin'.
Yeah.
All right.
Cost you...$25.
BOTH: Twenty-five dollars?
How much you wanna spend?
Fifteen dollars.
[BOTH CHUCKLE]
For $15, can't give
you much of an attack.
At that price, we just stand
around and throw kisses.
Wild Eagle, do you realize
you're making a
profit off of friends?
What are friends for?
All right, $20 and
that is my final offer.
No, no, no. Can't
do it, O'Rourke.
Can't do it.
If one tribe cut price,
other tribe cut price.
The next thing you know,
the whole bottom falls out
of the fake-Indian-attack
market.
If our friends, the Comanches,
find out we cut price,
they attack us for free.
So you're not gonna get $25!
For that kind of money,
I'd rather attack that
farmhouse myself.
[♪♪♪]
Uh... Yeah, well, we're...
We're not getting
anywhere this way.
Just forget the whole
thing, chief. Come on, Agarn.
Wait a minute, O'Rourke.
Wait for what, chief?
Just remembered
having month-end
clearance on Indian attacks.
Nah, no. We'll just have
to think of another plan.
But, sarge? Come on, Agarn.
What are you doing, sarge?
If we don't get the Hekawi
to attack that farmhouse,
we'll never get Joey
back to his mother.
[WHISPERS] We
got our own Indians.
What Indians, sarge?
The ones who captured the
fort during the war games, Deery.
Sarge, you're beautiful.
You blew it, chief.
Who knew they
weren't going to bargain.
We should have taken the $20.
How many calls do we
get for fake Indian attacks?
Don't worry, Crazy Cat.
Just tell the
braves to get ready.
For what?
We going to surprise
Sergeant O'Rourke.
How?
We attack the farmhouse.
[CHUCKLES]
[♪♪♪]
Hey, there we are, soldier.
Remember, sarge, I'm not
gonna stay here. I'm a trooper now.
Well, sure, you
are, but I thought
your mother'd like to
see you in your uniform.
And I'll tell you something.
Horse soldiers do go visit
their mother once in a while.
All right, but we can
only stay a few minutes.
I have to lead Vanderbilt
up the lookout tower.
Don't worry, we'll be
back in plenty of time.
Joey, you've come home.
That's right, Mom. But we
can only stay a few minutes.
[♪♪♪]
What do you mean, you
can only stay a few minutes?
I'm on duty back at
the fort this afternoon.
Oh, yeah, yeah. That's right.
Now, look. You
water and feed him.
And I'll see you inside.
Now, look, I know
what you're gonna say.
No, you don't
because you've never
heard a woman talk this way.
I can explain. Explain nothing.
If I go along with
your plan any longer,
you'll be out of the
cavalry before Joey.
Mrs. Walker, if you'll just
give me a little more time.
I'm afraid I can't give
you any more time.
I'm busting you from
mother back to sergeant.
You're making a
mistake, Mrs. Walker.
I made a bigger mistake when
I went along with your plan.
Joey? Joey, come here.
You're gonna be
sorry now, Mrs. Walker.
You called me, Mom?
Yes, Joey. Get in the house.
[WHISPERS] Sarge!
Y-you'd better do like she says.
Go on, Joey. Go
on. In the house.
Move!
First thing we're gonna
do is get rid of that silly hat.
But, Mom... Go to your room.
Get out of that uniform
and into your civilian clothes.
Don't let her do
this to me, sarge.
Couldn't we all just sit
down and talk this thing over?
If Joey doesn't
do what I say now,
he won't be able to
sit down for a week.
[WHISPERS] Sarge,
do something, anything.
Pull your rank on her.
[♪♪♪]
All right, braves.
When I give the signal,
we attack the farmhouse.
Duffy... I mean,
uh... Grizzly Bear.
You, Busy Beaver and Wild
Goose, go around the other side.
Little Skunk, you come with me.
I ain't gonna attack till
you change my name.
You know you're bullheaded?
I like that name.
Great! Bull Head.
Running Deer...
we've got company.
[♪♪♪]
Look, Indians. We'd
better get outta here.
Look, Indians.
We'd better get outta here.
Must be Comanches.
Always giving discounts.
Joey, for the last
time, go to your room.
But, Mom.
Hey, Indians! Indians!
[♪♪♪]
Here, Joey,
uh... you put that
bench against the door.
Right, sarge.
Mrs. Walker, you lock the
back door and all the windows.
Right, sergeant. Good.
How!
Never mind how. How much?
Chief Wild Eagle!
It's Corporal Agarn.
What are you doing here?
We're gonna attack
the farmhouse.
It's one thing to
have a fake attack,
but fake Indians
is going too far.
You're putting a lot of nice
friends out of work, Agarn.
Well, $25 is way outta line.
Look, it was only
an opening figure.
We'll do it for $20.
Forget it.
As long as we're all
dressed up, we'll do it for 15.
Ten?
All right, we'll
do it for laughs.
Not gonna have many
laughs here, chief.
Well, I wish you and your
Indians a lot of luck, Agarn.
Now, wait a minute, chief.
Fifteen dollars was
certainly a fair price.
I'll go in for 5.
Here's 5 from me.
Forget it!
A person could get killed here.
Back to the village,
brave warriors.
[♪♪♪]
Why don't we go with
'em, Running Deer?
Now, don't panic. O'Rourke
knows what he's doing.
Hey, what are you doing?
Why, you could kill somebody.
Well, isn't that the whole idea?
No, we don't wanna
shoot until, uh,
we can see the
whites of their eyes.
By that time, they can
see the whites of our eyes.
Will you let me take care of it?
Here they come.
[GUNSHOT]
Don't shoot, sarge!
It's us!
That Indian called you sarge.
Oh, yeah, well, that's a trick.
He looks like Agarn.
Oh, well, a lot of
Indians look like Agarn.
Then a lot of them must
look like Duffy and Dobbs too.
Those men are F Troopers.
Uh... Yeah, well, that's right.
And you knew it
all along, didn't you?
Sure, he did. It's just a game.
Well, now, now.
Now, wait a minute.
[♪♪♪]
Uh, you know, uh...
we could sure use
you over at the fort.
But I do believe
you'd be more valuable
if you were stationed over here.
Here? Yeah, that's right.
Now, this was just a game today.
But one of these days,
those could be real
Indians out there.
Well, your mama here could
only hold them off so long
even though she is
a pretty good shot.
I think you're right, sarge.
Yeah.
That's a good trooper, Joe.
You can count on
me. I'll get your horse.
[♪♪♪]
Thank you, sergeant.
I'm very grateful.
Oh, you're... You're
very welcome.
Oh, uh...
Now that I've got
a trooper here,
I'll have to be coming out for
inspection from time to time.
If that's... all right with you.
That's all right with me.
Well, then, I think I ought
to come out tomorrow night
for the first inspection.
Along about, uh... 9?
Joey goes to bed at 8.
Yeah, that's what he told me.
Then see you around 9, sergeant.
Yes, ma'am.
[♪♪♪]
Well, thanks, Joe. Here you go.
There.
AGARN: Hey, sarge!
Is it all right if we
attack the fort?
Yeah, go ahead.
It's the one place
you don't have to worry
about being shot at.
[♪♪♪]
[ALL WHOOPING]
I wanna congratulate
you, sergeant,
for doing such a wonderful
job with the Walker boy.
Ah, thank you, sir.
I wanna tell you, corporal,
how pleased I am that you
and the other men helped out.
Thank you, sir.
With the captain's permission,
I'd like to go
inspect our lookout
at Mrs. Walker's farm, sir.
Good idea, sarge.
Especially since you've
got on your dress uniform,
soaked in lilac water,
with your neckerchief,
a box of chocolate
bonbons in your saddlebag...
Agarn!
Uh, ahem, run along, sergeant.
Thank you, sir.
Must be love.
[BOTH LAUGH]
Oh, I just got a new set
of war-games instructions
from territory headquarters.
I wanna show
them to you. Yes, sir.
Yeah, here's that
directive, corporal.
Hi, Wilton.
Oh! Wilton?!
Please, Jane, not
in front of the captain.
[♪♪♪]
[♪♪♪]
[BUGLE PLAYS "CHARGE"]
Vanderbilt, you're dead.
But, Agarn, I
didn't even see you.
Well, now, that's the way it
goes in the war-games game.
Aw, gee, Agarn.
Now, Vanderbilt, be a brave
little soldier and lie down.
I'm outta the game
before it even started.
Now, don't argue.
[♪♪♪]
Good work, Running Deer
Who Goes Swift Like Rabbit
With Thorn in Cottontail.
Thank you, Big Chief Big Bear.
Now, Little Skunk, you
and the other braves...
Captain. Yes, Dobbs?
I'd like to change my name.
Dobbs, I gave you that
name, and that is that.
Why should you be Running
Deer and me Little Skunk?
Actually, I'm much
faster than you are.
But I smell better
than you, Dobbs.
Now, now, men. Let's
not argue about names.
Now, we've got a chance
to surprise the troopers
and win these war games.
The captain's right.
Now, men, follow me.
And let's whoop it up.
[ALL WHOOPING]
[WHOOPING]
Hey, they got
through the gate, men.
Fan out.
I got you, Duffy. You're dead.
Who's dead? I
knew you were there.
Bang, bang!
Come on, Duffy. You gotta
lie down and play dead.
Make me.
Duddleson,
watch out for that
Indian up on the roof.
Bang, bang. You're dead, Agarn.
Sarge, that was a lucky shot.
You didn't know an Indian
was sneaking up on you.
No, I thought it
was an elephant.
I could've got you
with my tomahawk.
Look, let's face it, I
got the drop on you.
Now you're dead. Lay
down, that's an order.
Me Running Dear. Me only take
orders from Big Chief Big Bear.
You're asking for it, Agarn.
Ohhh!
[BOTH YELLING]
PARMENTER: Men, men, men...
Now, hold it. Now,
it's only a game.
You've gotta stop this.
Hau, sergeant. Hau.
We got the whole
fort captured, chief,
but these guys won't admit it.
Actually, sergeant, I think the
war games were about a draw.
And since we're a
peace-loving tribe,
we're willing to
negotiate a treaty.
It takes a big man to
do a big thing like that.
That's why we call
him Big Chief Big Bear.
Thank you, Running Deer
Who Goes Swift Like Rabbit
With Thorn in Cottontail.
That's your Indian name?
My friends call me Deer.
You'll never guess
in a million years
what they named me, sarge.
Little Skunk?
You shouldn't have asked, Dobbs!
The war games
are over, sergeant.
Get all the Indians
back in their uniforms.
Yes, sir.
I mean:
All right, you Injuns,
get out of those suits and
back into your uniforms.
That means you too, Deer.
You savage! You
killed my Wilton!
Janey, it's me,
Big Chief Big Bear!
I mean Wilton.
Oh, Wilton. You're alive.
Now I know how an Indian
feels when he bites the dust.
Oh, please forgive me.
But I'm upset anyway.
When I thought you had
killed you, I just went to pieces.
What are you upset about, Jane?
It's little Joey Walker.
He's been missing
from his mother's
farm since yesterday.
He has? Well, now,
don't you worry, Jane.
We'll find him. We'll find him.
PARMENTER: Sergeant?
Sergeant O'Rourke?
Here.
How. Yes, sir?
The little Walker boy has
been missing since yesterday.
You'd better get your men
and organize a search party.
Right, sir.
All right, men.
Prepare to mount.
Huh-ut!
All right, move out.
[♪♪♪]
[♪♪♪]
[♪♪♪]
Search party reporting, sir.
Any luck, sergeant?
I'm sorry, sir. We
couldn't find the kid.
Oh, well, Corporal Agarn
and I will take out another party
while your men rest.
Dobbs, blow "Assembly."
All right, bed 'em
down, clean 'em up.
[PLAYING "ASSEMBLY" POORLY]
AGARN: Here we go now!
With the troop strength.
We're gonna move out in
order of twos and threes.
Now, check rations and ammo.
And I want your canteens filled.
We're moving out
on a mission of mercy.
We're going to look
for little Joey Walker.
Captain Parmenter?
Later, Joey. Corporal
Agarn is giving orders.
Now, we'll ride as
far as Dribble Creek.
I'll take Dobbs and Duddleson.
Uh, Corporal Agarn. Yes, sir.
This is Joey Walker.
I know that, sir.
Now, the first man
that sees Joey Walker
fires three shots into the air.
Then, we'll check our
positions from there...
Joey!
All right, men, dismissed.
Joey, what are you
doing here in the fort?
I've come to enlist
in the cavalry.
Ah, don't you think you
better run along home?
Your mother must be
worried sick about you.
I'm not going home
anymore. I wanna be a soldier.
Oh, I'm afraid that's
not possible, Joey.
You're underage.
How old do you have
to be to join the cavalry?
PARMENTER: Eighteen.
I'm 19.
[ALL LAUGHING]
All right. Hey, Joe. Come
on, I'll take you home, huh?
You don't have to take
me home, sergeant.
Here comes my mother now.
Oh, Joey. You're safe.
Captain Parmenter, I...
I want to thank you and
your men for finding my son.
Oh, we didn't find him.
No, he came to
the fort to enlist.
The only thing is, we
already got enough troopers
that need a nap
in the afternoon.
Sergeant, I don't
find that amusing.
In fact, I don't find anything
about the cavalry amusing.
Get your things, Joey.
We're going home.
But, Mom, I wanna be a soldier.
Get your things.
I hope you won't
punish him, Mrs. Walker.
There's nothing terrible in a
boy wanting to be a soldier.
As far as I'm
concerned, captain,
I'd rather have a son who
wanted to be the town drunk.
Oh, I wouldn't encourage
that, Mrs. Walker.
Keep getting thrown
out of saloons,
have to sleep in the streets,
waking up in the morning
with those terrible hangovers.
Of course, there
are the free lunches.
Good day, gentlemen.
If she was my mother, I'd
run away from home too.
Oh, you can't blame
her too much, corporal.
She's the widow
of a cavalry trooper.
With the captain's permission,
I'd like to have
a word with her.
Certainly, sergeant.
Thank you.
Oh, Mrs. Walker?
Yes, sergeant?
I understand how you
feel about the cavalry,
but I think you're going
about this thing all wrong.
I don't think you're the one
to talk about raising a son.
Since it's obvious you've
never been a mother.
I never been a canary
either, but I know how to sing.
If I wanted advice from
a bird, I'd go to an owl.
Wait a minute.
Do you think taking him home now
is gonna keep him from
running away again?
Unless you lock him up,
you're gonna be looking
for him in every cavalry post.
If I don't lock him up,
what's the alternative?
Leave him here with
me for a couple days.
I'll show him that
being a horse soldier
is not quite as exciting
as a little boy thinks.
I'll look after him.
All right, sergeant.
We'll do it your way.
And if it works, you can
give me singing lessons too.
[♪♪♪]
Men, today, F Troop would
like to welcome its newest recruit,
Private Joey Walker.
Of course, he hasn't been
formally inducted into the Army,
but he is going to take part in
our physical-fitness program.
Now, men, I'm turning you
over to your athletic instructor,
Corporal Randolph Agarn.
Corporal, take charge.
Troop, ten-hut!
Left face!
Forward march!
I'm sure after five
minutes of exercise,
Joey will be glad to
get back to his mother.
That was an
excellent idea of yours.
Thank you, sir. Thank you.
You know, I can't understand
why Mrs. Walker has been
a widow all these years.
She's certainly an
attractive woman.
Oh, I hadn't noticed, sir.
Well, I've always admired
women with blue eyes.
Well, they're not blue, sir.
They're hazel with
brownish flecks.
They just look blue
when the light hits them
because her lashes are so long.
Oh, really, sergeant?
I hadn't noticed.
Ten-hut!
Now, men, your first exercise:
You're gonna take your right
hand and touch your left toe.
Then you're gonna take your
left hand and touch your right toe.
Ready?
Agarn, why can't we touch
our right toe with our right hand
and our left toe
with our left hand?
That's why.
All right. On the count.
Here we go.
And one, and two.
Hold it. Hold it. Duddleson.
Duddleson, at the count of two,
you're supposed to stand up.
I can't. My back just went out.
Mine too, Agarn.
It's that old shrapnel
wound I got at the Alamo.
There we were, me
and Davy Crockett,
shoulder to shoulder,
our backs to the wall.
Duffy, Duffy, never
mind, never mind.
All right, you two,
back to the barracks.
Now, the rest of you,
get ready for the
second exercise.
You're gonna put your
hands on your chest,
and when I count,
it's gonna go this way:
One, two. One, two.
All right, here we go.
Hands on chest, pace.
One, two. One...
Hold it, hold it.
Stanley, you and Livingstone
carry those troopers
back to the barracks.
The rest of you, Lewis,
Clark, Gilbert and Sullivan,
get ready for a
double-time march.
It's gonna be once
around the wagon,
then we swing around the
well, then back to the flagpole.
All right. Left face, turn.
Double time, march.
Vanderbilt, the
wagon's over there.
Everybody halt!
That was some
plan you had, sarge.
Joey's still in the Army, and
we just wiped out F Troop.
[♪♪♪]
You sent for me,
sir? Yes, sergeant.
Janey just talked with
Joey Walker's mother,
and she's upset the
boy isn't back yet.
It's just a question
of time, sir.
Mrs. Walker wanted me
to give you a message.
Oh, what's that?
"You may never
have been a canary,
but your advice
is for the birds."
What does that mean?
Oh, that's a little joke
that she and I had, sir.
Well, she wasn't
laughing when I saw her.
Maybe we better just
send the boy home.
Captain, if you'll just
give me a little more time.
I'm sure that I can make
the boy want to go home.
Very well, sergeant.
I'll give you till tomorrow.
Thank you, sir.
Wilton, do you think O'Rourke
can get Joey to go
back to his mother?
I hope so.
How'd you like to see him
and Mrs. Walker get together?
But Mrs. Walker doesn't like
horse soldiers the way I do.
I just love 'em.
[GRUNTING]
Janey, please, not
in front of the men.
But there aren't
any of 'em around.
Well, then, not in front of me.
Hey, Agarn... Yes, sarge?
Joey, uh, j-just give
me the razor, huh?
That's a good boy.
Bud, are you out of your mind,
letting this boy shave
with a straight razor?
Well, sarge, he's shaving
with the dull side of the razor.
Next job, using the right side.
Think I felt some
fuzz this morning.
Fine, that's fine. All right,
go outside and clean up.
Right, sarge. See
you later, corporal.
What do you mean,
letting him shave?
What's wrong with that?
Don't you get it?
He's not supposed
to have any fun here.
Tomorrow, let him shave
with the sharp side of the blade.
I don't want you treating
him like a real soldier,
now, do you understand that?
Sarge, he's the only
soldier we got today.
The rest of the troop
is up on sick call.
I know, I know,
but I've gotta
figure out some way
to make that boy want
to go home to his mother.
Not a chance, sarge.
Joey wants to be
where the action is.
He keeps saying, "You can't
be an Indian fighter on a farm."
I know, I...
[CHUCKLES]
Agarn...
I don't know why everybody
says you're so dumb.
Attack farmhouse?!
A widow and kid?!
Never!
Who says I'm dumb?!
Never mind, Agarn.
Hekawis are nice, kind,
sweet, gentle people.
We're adorable.
I know, Wild Eagle, but...
It's been over 100 years
since Hekawi braves
attacked farmhouse
with defenseless
widow and little boy.
And we lost.
Look, Wild Eagle, nobody's
gonna get hurt in this attack.
That's right. We just
wanna show this boy
that his mother will need
him in case the Indians attack.
All right, let's get
down to business.
Ah! Here.
Now... how many braves you want?
Uh... ten braves.
All on horses.
And with war paint.
And lots of yellin'
and screamin'.
Yeah.
All right.
Cost you...$25.
BOTH: Twenty-five dollars?
How much you wanna spend?
Fifteen dollars.
[BOTH CHUCKLE]
For $15, can't give
you much of an attack.
At that price, we just stand
around and throw kisses.
Wild Eagle, do you realize
you're making a
profit off of friends?
What are friends for?
All right, $20 and
that is my final offer.
No, no, no. Can't
do it, O'Rourke.
Can't do it.
If one tribe cut price,
other tribe cut price.
The next thing you know,
the whole bottom falls out
of the fake-Indian-attack
market.
If our friends, the Comanches,
find out we cut price,
they attack us for free.
So you're not gonna get $25!
For that kind of money,
I'd rather attack that
farmhouse myself.
[♪♪♪]
Uh... Yeah, well, we're...
We're not getting
anywhere this way.
Just forget the whole
thing, chief. Come on, Agarn.
Wait a minute, O'Rourke.
Wait for what, chief?
Just remembered
having month-end
clearance on Indian attacks.
Nah, no. We'll just have
to think of another plan.
But, sarge? Come on, Agarn.
What are you doing, sarge?
If we don't get the Hekawi
to attack that farmhouse,
we'll never get Joey
back to his mother.
[WHISPERS] We
got our own Indians.
What Indians, sarge?
The ones who captured the
fort during the war games, Deery.
Sarge, you're beautiful.
You blew it, chief.
Who knew they
weren't going to bargain.
We should have taken the $20.
How many calls do we
get for fake Indian attacks?
Don't worry, Crazy Cat.
Just tell the
braves to get ready.
For what?
We going to surprise
Sergeant O'Rourke.
How?
We attack the farmhouse.
[CHUCKLES]
[♪♪♪]
Hey, there we are, soldier.
Remember, sarge, I'm not
gonna stay here. I'm a trooper now.
Well, sure, you
are, but I thought
your mother'd like to
see you in your uniform.
And I'll tell you something.
Horse soldiers do go visit
their mother once in a while.
All right, but we can
only stay a few minutes.
I have to lead Vanderbilt
up the lookout tower.
Don't worry, we'll be
back in plenty of time.
Joey, you've come home.
That's right, Mom. But we
can only stay a few minutes.
[♪♪♪]
What do you mean, you
can only stay a few minutes?
I'm on duty back at
the fort this afternoon.
Oh, yeah, yeah. That's right.
Now, look. You
water and feed him.
And I'll see you inside.
Now, look, I know
what you're gonna say.
No, you don't
because you've never
heard a woman talk this way.
I can explain. Explain nothing.
If I go along with
your plan any longer,
you'll be out of the
cavalry before Joey.
Mrs. Walker, if you'll just
give me a little more time.
I'm afraid I can't give
you any more time.
I'm busting you from
mother back to sergeant.
You're making a
mistake, Mrs. Walker.
I made a bigger mistake when
I went along with your plan.
Joey? Joey, come here.
You're gonna be
sorry now, Mrs. Walker.
You called me, Mom?
Yes, Joey. Get in the house.
[WHISPERS] Sarge!
Y-you'd better do like she says.
Go on, Joey. Go
on. In the house.
Move!
First thing we're gonna
do is get rid of that silly hat.
But, Mom... Go to your room.
Get out of that uniform
and into your civilian clothes.
Don't let her do
this to me, sarge.
Couldn't we all just sit
down and talk this thing over?
If Joey doesn't
do what I say now,
he won't be able to
sit down for a week.
[WHISPERS] Sarge,
do something, anything.
Pull your rank on her.
[♪♪♪]
All right, braves.
When I give the signal,
we attack the farmhouse.
Duffy... I mean,
uh... Grizzly Bear.
You, Busy Beaver and Wild
Goose, go around the other side.
Little Skunk, you come with me.
I ain't gonna attack till
you change my name.
You know you're bullheaded?
I like that name.
Great! Bull Head.
Running Deer...
we've got company.
[♪♪♪]
Look, Indians. We'd
better get outta here.
Look, Indians.
We'd better get outta here.
Must be Comanches.
Always giving discounts.
Joey, for the last
time, go to your room.
But, Mom.
Hey, Indians! Indians!
[♪♪♪]
Here, Joey,
uh... you put that
bench against the door.
Right, sarge.
Mrs. Walker, you lock the
back door and all the windows.
Right, sergeant. Good.
How!
Never mind how. How much?
Chief Wild Eagle!
It's Corporal Agarn.
What are you doing here?
We're gonna attack
the farmhouse.
It's one thing to
have a fake attack,
but fake Indians
is going too far.
You're putting a lot of nice
friends out of work, Agarn.
Well, $25 is way outta line.
Look, it was only
an opening figure.
We'll do it for $20.
Forget it.
As long as we're all
dressed up, we'll do it for 15.
Ten?
All right, we'll
do it for laughs.
Not gonna have many
laughs here, chief.
Well, I wish you and your
Indians a lot of luck, Agarn.
Now, wait a minute, chief.
Fifteen dollars was
certainly a fair price.
I'll go in for 5.
Here's 5 from me.
Forget it!
A person could get killed here.
Back to the village,
brave warriors.
[♪♪♪]
Why don't we go with
'em, Running Deer?
Now, don't panic. O'Rourke
knows what he's doing.
Hey, what are you doing?
Why, you could kill somebody.
Well, isn't that the whole idea?
No, we don't wanna
shoot until, uh,
we can see the
whites of their eyes.
By that time, they can
see the whites of our eyes.
Will you let me take care of it?
Here they come.
[GUNSHOT]
Don't shoot, sarge!
It's us!
That Indian called you sarge.
Oh, yeah, well, that's a trick.
He looks like Agarn.
Oh, well, a lot of
Indians look like Agarn.
Then a lot of them must
look like Duffy and Dobbs too.
Those men are F Troopers.
Uh... Yeah, well, that's right.
And you knew it
all along, didn't you?
Sure, he did. It's just a game.
Well, now, now.
Now, wait a minute.
[♪♪♪]
Uh, you know, uh...
we could sure use
you over at the fort.
But I do believe
you'd be more valuable
if you were stationed over here.
Here? Yeah, that's right.
Now, this was just a game today.
But one of these days,
those could be real
Indians out there.
Well, your mama here could
only hold them off so long
even though she is
a pretty good shot.
I think you're right, sarge.
Yeah.
That's a good trooper, Joe.
You can count on
me. I'll get your horse.
[♪♪♪]
Thank you, sergeant.
I'm very grateful.
Oh, you're... You're
very welcome.
Oh, uh...
Now that I've got
a trooper here,
I'll have to be coming out for
inspection from time to time.
If that's... all right with you.
That's all right with me.
Well, then, I think I ought
to come out tomorrow night
for the first inspection.
Along about, uh... 9?
Joey goes to bed at 8.
Yeah, that's what he told me.
Then see you around 9, sergeant.
Yes, ma'am.
[♪♪♪]
Well, thanks, Joe. Here you go.
There.
AGARN: Hey, sarge!
Is it all right if we
attack the fort?
Yeah, go ahead.
It's the one place
you don't have to worry
about being shot at.
[♪♪♪]
[ALL WHOOPING]
I wanna congratulate
you, sergeant,
for doing such a wonderful
job with the Walker boy.
Ah, thank you, sir.
I wanna tell you, corporal,
how pleased I am that you
and the other men helped out.
Thank you, sir.
With the captain's permission,
I'd like to go
inspect our lookout
at Mrs. Walker's farm, sir.
Good idea, sarge.
Especially since you've
got on your dress uniform,
soaked in lilac water,
with your neckerchief,
a box of chocolate
bonbons in your saddlebag...
Agarn!
Uh, ahem, run along, sergeant.
Thank you, sir.
Must be love.
[BOTH LAUGH]
Oh, I just got a new set
of war-games instructions
from territory headquarters.
I wanna show
them to you. Yes, sir.
Yeah, here's that
directive, corporal.
Hi, Wilton.
Oh! Wilton?!
Please, Jane, not
in front of the captain.
[♪♪♪]
[♪♪♪]
[BUGLE PLAYS "CHARGE"]