F Troop (1965–1967): Season 2, Episode 20 - What Are You Doing After the Massacre? - full transcript

A 147 year old Hekawi chief wants the land that Fort Courage sits on and lays siege to the fort.

[♪♪♪]

Oh.

Ow!

"First warning:
Flaming Arrow coming."

Ooh!

Captain, captain.
How bad is it, sir?

Oh. Heh, heh, heh, heh.

Don't laugh, captain.

That's when it hurts the most.

I'm all right. See?

Well, what happened, sir?



It's the strangest thing.

See, I was... I was
putting up the duty roster...

Oh, captain, you didn't
hit your thumb again?

No. I... I dropped a nail.

It's around here some...

It happened again!

"Second warning:
Flaming Arrow coming."

That's what the first one said.

Somebody's trying
to tell us something.

But why with a flaming arrow?

Arrows mean only
one thing. Indians.

AGARN: Good thinking, sarge.

Maybe Wild Eagle
can tell us what's up.

If he's responsible,



I'm going to make
him pay for this.

Pay for what, sir?

Puncturing government property.

Ow! Ooh, ooh.

I think I found that nail.

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

Uh-oh. Here come trouble.

Palefaces not
necessarily mean trouble.

Not necessarily
mean not trouble.

Not necessarily not
mean not trouble.

Not necessarily... Enough.

One more "not" and I
put knot in your tongue.

Chief Wild Eagle, Crazy
Cat, we come in peace.

What else?

Uh... We come
to ask your advice.

You come to right place.
Have wise, old Hekawi saying:

"When crow lay
egg in treetop nest,

"then he who plant
corn on hillside

"facing sunrise

will play with deer
and not with antelope."

Really?

Hey, that's very interesting.

Hey, captain, why don't
you just tell him your story.

Oh, yes. My... Ha.

Uh, chief, this morning,

I was nailing up
the duty roster, see?

Like this.

You not hit thumb again?

No, I... Well, I
dropped a nail, see?

Then all of a sudden...
Oh! Ooh! Ooh!

"Final warning: Flaming
Arrow coming back.

Soon."

Now we got trouble.
Trouble in Hekawi camp.

Chief Flaming Arrow
not necessarily mean...

Oh, you asking
for knot in tongue!

You mean, Flaming Arrow
is the name of an Indian?

WILD EAGLE: He
an ancient chieftain,

noblest of all Hekawis.

Noble old chief must be
coming down from mountain.

Been on mountain 50 years.

Well, some people
like the mountains.

Personally, I
prefer the seashore.

WILD EAGLE: Last time he
come down from mountain,

him start big fight between
palefaces and Indians.

Ah, well that was 50
years ago, Wild Eagle.

Now, conditions have changed.

Only hope Flaming Arrow has.

[DRUMMING IN DISTANCE]

Chief, somebody come.

Gee, I love a parade.
The tramping of feet.

I love every beat
I hear of the drum.

What does he do? Him a spare,

in case one of carrier
Indians get hole in moccasin.

Not need help. Not need help.

Greetings, oh, ancient warrior.

Brotherhood of Hekawis
make you welcome.

Never mind claptrap.

Who strange?

Uh, we're... We're
from Fort Courage.

I'm Captain Parmenter.

This is Corporal Agarn
and Sergeant O'Rourke.

You must be Flaming Arrow.

How you know that?

We got your calling card.

Don't need help.

Him very ancient.

Live through 147
burning hot summers.

Also live through 147
freezing cold winters.

And you call that living?

A hundred and
forty-seven years old?

Why, that's amazing.

You don't look a day over 120.

Abraham Lincoln say same thing.

Only then, me was 120.

Oh, yeah. Well, you must
have known a lot of famous men.

FLAMING ARROW: You
don't think me famous?

Me blood brother to
George Washington,

father of your country.

George good paleface.

Me trust him.

Say, did you know
Benjamin Franklin too?

Silly Ben. Wear funny glasses.

Make stupid remark.

Fly paper in sky.

Yeah. That's
silly Ben, all right.

How 'bout James Madison?

Me visit President
Madison and wife.

Wife say, "Hello,
Flaming Arrow."

Me say, "Hello, Dolly."

You're certainly
well-preserved for your years.

That's because me drink
mountain blackberry juice.

[♪♪♪]

Kitchy-kitchy-koo.

Well, how you know my name?

O'ROURKE: Well,
I must say, uh...

You're still pretty frisky.

Me still pinch squaw, but
me don't remember why.

Well, we'd... We'd
better get going.

It's been a pleasure
meeting you, Flaming Arrow.

Yeah. We'll see
you around, chief.

And take it easy on that juice.
You're not getting any younger.

Palefaces.

Uh, captain. Ahem.

Ahem. With your permission, sir,

Corporal Agarn and I would like
to ride back to the Hekawi camp.

What for, sergeant?

Well, uh, sir, I don't like
Flaming Arrow's reputation,

and I just wanna make
sure that his visit here

doesn't spoil our
relations with the Hekawis.

Uh, right, Agarn? Right, sarge.

Right, sarge!

Very well, then. Men, you two
can go back to the Hekawi camp.

I'll ride on to the fort.

Yes, sir.

Uh, captain? Yeah?

The fort is that way, sir.

Oh. Of course.

But, uh, you don't have to
worry about Flaming Arrow.

Take it from me, that nice
old man wouldn't hurt a fly.

Kill!

Why you kill palefaces?
They not do anything.

You not do anything either.

You not make war on palefaces.

You not set fire to settlement.

You not add scalp to collection.

And tell me, chicken-heart,
when you had last good massacre?

But we at peace.

What wrong with burying hatchet?

Next time don't bury
hatchet in ground.

Bury hatchet in head.

Flaming Arrow, why
you not like palefaces?

Palefaces liars.

They break treaty.
They break word.

They... Ooh!

I break hand.

You tell Parmenter George
Washington your friend.

Flaming Arrow help George
in Great War against British.

You heard of Minutemen?

Me Minute Indian.

Me prop George up in rowboat.

Me pose George for painting.

And when George go
away to Valley Forge,

me say, George,
don't forget muffler.

No catch cold.

Then what happen?

Fifty years ago, me
try to get land back.

Me fail.

But now time come to try again.

And this time, Flaming
Arrow won't fail!

Not need help.

Go.

[♪♪♪]

Yankees, go home!

Before Flaming Arrow see you.

We're not gonna
bother the old man.

We just came back to
ask when the next shipment

of blankets and
whiskey's gonna be ready.

Ready now.

Well... Then what's
holding things up?

We got customers waiting.

FLAMING ARROW:
They wait forever.

Me know all about
O'Rourke Enterprises.

Ah, so that's it.
You want a cut, huh?

Me want cut-off.

No more enterprises.

But, Flaming Arrow...
All palefaces enemies.

And me crush
you, just like this:

Hey!

Flaming Arrow has spoken.

[♪♪♪]

Captain, there's trouble
brewing at the Hekawi camp.

No, there couldn't be.

I don't believe it. You'd
better believe it, sir.

Flaming Arrow's
stirring up those Indians.

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

[DRUMMING IN DISTANCE]

That's... That's funny.

I seem to have a
pounding in my ears.

Those are tom-toms, captain.

Oh, really? Ehh.

It's catchy, isn't it?

Hostile tom-toms, sir.

Oh. Well, on, uh, second
thought, maybe I'd better go

have a friendly little
chat with Flaming Arrow.

Captain, have you been,
uh, holding your breath?

No. Why do you ask?

Your finger's turning blue.

Send in dog of a captain.

Hello there, Flaming Arrow.

I just thought I'd bring you
a few tokens of our esteem.

Beware of palefaces
bringing gifts.

No, no, no. That's
Greeks bearing gifts.

You know, the Trojan Horse.

Hmmph. Me old,
but me not that old.

Look, look.

Beads and trinkets.

Cheap stuff.

Costume wampum.

What do you say, Flaming Arrow?

Let's... Let's smoke
the peace pipe.

[♪♪♪]

That for peace pipe.

Well.

Two can play at that game.

[BLOWS]

Oh, come on, Flaming Arrow.

We're acting like a
couple of children.

Not bad, 147-year-old
man acting like child.

What is it you want from us?

You not give Indian
what Indian want.

Try us. Whole
United States back.

Whole United States?

Starting with Fort Courage.

We're gonna get this
right, if we stay here all day.

Oh, good morning, sir.

Good morning, gentlemen.

All right, men, at ease.

Men, the future of the whole
United States hinges on F Troop.

You are your nation's
first line of defense.

I hope the country's
got a second line.

Now, I realize we're
all out of practice

and a little bit rusty.

If we were any rustier,
we'd have to get oiled.

But some good, intensive
training should fix that up.

Ready!

Aim.

Fire.

All right, you knuckleheads,

either learn how
to shoot straight,

or don't aim at
nothing but fat Indians.

Now, men, a lot
of Indian fighting

takes place at close quarters.

So I'm now going to
give you a demonstration

of sheer physical power
in hand-to-hand combat.

Dobbs, you be the Hekawi.

The first thing you do
is challenge the Hekawi.

On the count of three.

Three.

[PANTING] The next thing you
do is make it two out of three.

You dogfaces call
that camouflage?

Ha, the worst
lamebrain in the world

would know that that's a trap.

Men, I just thought
I'd drop by to see...

[ECHOING] To see how you're
doing in camouflage practice.

What take Flaming Arrow
so long to get up this morning?

When you 147 years old,

you lucky to get up any morning.

Hekawi brothers,

Flaming Arrow make decision.

We attack palefaces
tomorrow, sunrise.

What's wrong with tonight?

Indians no attack at night.

Why not?

Indians afraid of spirits.

That not real
reason, featherhead.

Then what real reason?

Indians... afraid of dark.

And now, prepare for war.

And a one, and a two.

[UPBEAT DRUMMING]

[ALL WHOOPING]

Captain, sir, we've
had all the townspeople

rounded up in a
compound here, just in case.

Well, I hope it won't
come to an attack,

but I've had Jane
wire for reinforcements.

Wilton, I couldn't
send your message.

All the wires have been cut.

Then we're on our own.

But we can do it. That's
what we're here for.

We can face any odds
and come out the victors.

Sarge, if I thought there
was gonna be any fighting,

I'd have never joined the Army.

DUFFY: Captain!

Oh, captain, it's terrible.

What is it, Duffy?

[♪♪♪]

[WHOOPING IN DISTANCE]

Now we know what Duffy sees.

So far so good.

Siege going fine.

Flaming Arrow,
me not understand.

Always you say,
attack, attack, attack.

Now you not attack.

Fifty years ago, me attack
and lose many braves.

Siege more better.

But always you
say, kill, kill, kill.

And now you not kill.

This more civilized.

We cut off supplies.

Starve palefaces
until too weak to fight.

Then we attack.

Attack. Attack.

Kill. Kill.

Kill.

I tell you, we're in
rough shape, sir.

The men are gonna fall apart

if the they don't get
some food pretty soon.

Even Duddleson's losing weight.

This morning he was
standing next to the flagpole,

and Vanderbilt tried
to run Old Glory up him.

And Duffy, I caught him
pouring salt on his shoe.

That's dreadful.

Well, actually, the
lacings weren't bad,

if you thought of 'em as
spaghetti with metal tips.

Please, not while
I'm not eating.

I'm telling you, the
men are getting weaker.

Sir, we just... We just
gotta do something.

I don't like to say this, sir,

but maybe we ought to surrender.

What? Surrender?

F Troop? Surrender?

F Troop? Quit?

Why, we'd go down in history,

not as Fort Courage
but Fort Coward.

But, sir, he who
quits and runs away

will live to quit another day.

Would General Grant
have surrendered?

Would Lafayette
have surrendered?

Would Washington
have surrendered?

Washington.

What's the matter?

Did he surrender?

Didn't Flaming Arrow tell us
he trusted George Washington?

Yes, he called him
a good paleface.

That's right.

If we got George
Washington to talk to him...

Uh, sergeant,
you'd better sit down.

You're not well. It's probably
from lack of food. Here.

Maybe we can get Duffy to
give him a piece of his other shoe.

No, no. Don't you understand?

You're gonna be
George Washington.

First in war. First in peace.

Me?

First in the hearts of
his F Troop buddies.

General Washington,
sir, we salute you.

[♪♪♪]

It'll never work, I tell ya.

Flaming Arrow may be feeble,

but he's not feeble-minded.

Agarn, hold still.

If he falls for this,
I'm Napoleon.

You're not Napoleon.
You're George Washington.

I know. I know. I
can tell by my curls.

Agarn, please be quiet.
I can't get this hat to fit.

Yeah, well he can't help it
if it's a three-cornered hat

and he's got a
four-cornered head.

Please do this, Corporal Agarn.

You're the only chance we have

at ever getting a
square meal again.

Well, if you put
it that way, sir.

All right. Now, remember what
all you know about Washington.

It's a hundred
miles from Passaic.

George Washington.

And remember you
were born in 1732.

When did I die?
O'ROURKE: You didn't die.

I didn't die? Well, that
makes me feel better.

Now, remember, you once
threw a dollar across the Potomac.

Ha, ha. I'm very
reckless with my money.

Now, what was your wife's name?

Mrs. Washington.

Her first name.

Mrs. George Washington.
How do I know?

No, no, no. Your wife's
name was Martha Custis,

and she was a wealthy widow.

Wealthy, huh? Heh.

No wonder I'm
reckless with my money.

Now remember, at the end
of the war, you said goodbye

to your faithful officers
at Fraunces Tavern.

Farewell, my brave soldiers.

But before I go,

could I have a nice, thick
steak smothered with onion?

Agarn.

How 'bout spaghetti
with metal tips?

Cut it out.

Everything depends
on you, corporal.

Oh, but I'm sure this will work.

Why, you're the very image
of George Washington.

Mmm.

Uh, Captain
Parmenter... Isn't that...?

Isn't that...?

No. It couldn't be.

Go ahead, Dobbs. Isn't that who?

Thomas Jefferson, sir.

Oh, if I could have
got you at Valley Forge.

AGARN: Flaming
Arrow. Flaming Arrow.

Flaming Arrow.

Who there?

George.

George who?

George.

Washington?

Yes, my old comrade-in-arms.

Why are you so
surprised to see me?

First me think you
Thomas Jefferson.

Flaming Arrow.

I've come to talk to you.

You not dead?

Of course not.

I just retired from
public service.

You know how it is
with us old soldiers.

We never die. We
just write our memoirs.

If you not dead, who they
bury at Mount Vernon?

King George III.

It was the only way

he could keep his own
piece of American soil.

Me glad to see you, George.

How old bunch?

Gone. They're
all gone. Very sad.

Tom, Ben, the
Adams boys. All gone.

How Betsy?

Betsy?

Oh. That Betsy. Betsy Ross.

Fingers stiffen up a little bit,

but she still manages
to sew on a new star

every once in a while.

Why you so hungry?

I'm breaking in a
new set of false teeth.

Why don't we go outside
where we can talk better?

No. We talk more better here.

It's too warm here.

Ever since Valley Forge,
I'm used to the cold.

You forgot muffler again?

Please, if I wanna be nagged,

I can always go home to Martha.

[♪♪♪]

Flaming Arrow, what's this I
hear about you making war again?

Just want Hekawi land back.

But the palefaces have
always been your friends.

Remember Nathan Hale.

Remember Paul Revere.
Remember Patrick Henry.

They not make palefaces
like that anymore.

Come back to my place, uh,
and we'll talk over old times.

No. Maybe me better
go back to camp.

No, no, no. Don't do that.

I've got a surprise for you.

[PIPE AND DRUM BAND
PLAYS "YANKEE DOODLE"]

Listen, George.
They're playing our song.

[♪♪♪]

Should have
known this was trick.

Real George
Washington much taller.

Well, anyway, it's all
over, Flaming Arrow.

The siege has been lifted,

and the Hekawis have gone
peacefully back to their camp.

I know he's here. Where is
he? Where's Flaming Arrow?

You ain't allowed to
go in there, ma'am.

See, he can't have any visitors.

[MOUTHING WORDS]
Uh, I'll handle it, Dobbs.

My name is Captain Parmenter.
May I be of assistance?

Where Flaming Arrow?

Me come to take
him back to mountain.

Oh, he's right here,
ma'am. I'll get him for you.

That Flaming Arrow,

every time I let
him out of tepee,

same thing happen.

Cause trouble. Make war.

That's the way,
Flaming Arrow. Ah.

Not happen again.

No get chance happen again.

Me take you back to mountain.

Me can't leave now. Me prisoner.

Oh, that's all right.

We'll let you go
home with your wife.

She not my wife.

She my mother.

Some mothers never let go.

[♪♪♪]