F Is for Family (2015–…): Season 3, Episode 2 - Paul Lynde to Block - full transcript
♪ Trees ♪
♪ Swaying in the summer breeze ♪
♪ Showing off their silver leaves ♪
♪ As we walked by ♪
♪ Soft kisses on a summer's day ♪
♪ Laughing all our cares away ♪
♪ Just you and I ♪
Oh, man, I hope that's the last one.
It's not a dumb idea, Vivian.
It's a great idea!
Every kitchen needs one!
The name is self-explanatory.
It's The Onion Caddy.
It caddies your onions.
I tell you what, you call me back
when you think of a million-dollar idea
'cause I already did it once!
So... how's Vivian?
You think it's a good idea, right?
Of course!
It's a cool idea!
I'd totally buy one, Mom.
Onions are really big with kids my age.
Vivian's right. It's terrible.
I had one great invention and that's it.
The well is dry.
Oh, honey. What do you need?
Anything, you name it.
You could turn on the air conditioner.
It's not hot enough for it yet.
What does this family
have against comfort?
Electricity costs money, Kevin.
Do the math.
He can't. He failed math.
- You what?
- You failed math?
- You are dead.
- And you are dumb.
- He has to go to summer school.
- Summer school?
We're supposed to go
to the lake next month!
You just fucked up
the whole summer, Kevin!
Daddy, I got all A's!
Oh, Princess,
I'm yelling at Kevin right now.
What the fuck is wrong with you?
- Frank, stop yelling.
- That is it, no more guitar.
You're gonna have your nose
in a book this whole summer,
if I have to glue it to your goddamn face!
You understand me?
Am I speaking plain English,
or did you fucking flunk that, too?
I got a D-plus in English!
Oh, a D-plus!
Well, let's have a fucking parade!
Frank, you are not helping.
Hey, strike up the band!
♪ Three cheers for my D-minus son! ♪
D-plus!
For God's sake, will you two shut up!
It is hot.
There is a creature inside me
and it is using my bladder as a speed bag,
but do you see me...
ranting and raving like a lunatic?
Why don't I turn on the air conditioner?
Here you go, honey. Sweet relief.
Agh.
Oh, shit!
Don't lick that toad, Frank!
♪ Come and get your love ♪
♪ Come and get your love ♪
♪ Come and get your love ♪
♪ Come and get your love ♪
♪ Come and get your love
Come and get your love ♪
♪ Come and get your love now ♪
♪ Come and get your love
Come and get your love ♪
♪ Come and get your love now ♪
Ah!
♪ Come and get your love
Come and get your love ♪
♪ Come and get your love now ♪
♪ Come and get your love
Come and get your love ♪
♪ Come and get your love now ♪
I got a new cold bag for you.
Hmm, thank you.
Why on Earth would you bring me onions?
It was either that
or the last piece of our wedding cake.
God damn it, I'm trying here, Sue!
You're right.
You're right. I'm sorry.
I'm just having a really bad day.
Tell you what, honey,
why don't we all settle down...
take a deep breath, and watch TV?
And it's wonderful to meet
your lovely wife and co-star, Astrid.
Oh, is that your name?
I just call her Number Five.
And I walked in on Number Six
doing number two on his chest.
Oh.
Oh, Frank, why would you
make me watch this garbage?
I can't choose what he's into.
- Turn it off!
- Fine. Fine.
No! No! Leave it on.
Jesus Christ.
This is that new movie
I've been wanting to see.
When was the last time
a motion picture made you
fall in love again...
with war?
♪ Remember all the loving and the loss ♪
Man, woman, love, lust,
battle, betrayal, doom, romance, death,
medal ceremony, credits.
This is The What We Did.
Now playing at the Rustland drive-in
on Old Sacred Indian Burial Ground Road.
Frank, what if we went
to that movie tonight?
We could escape the house,
get some fresh air?
Wouldn't that be great?
To have a little alone time?
Alone time? With you?
- Please?
- Sure, honey!
Better yet, we'll all have alone time.
As a family.
But I just wanted...
Do we have to go?
Hey, if I have to go, you have to go.
And I want to go!
Sure doesn't sound like it.
I'm dying to go, Sue!
We're all dying together.
Before we go, can you rub my feet?
They're swollen.
Oh, I'm dying to do that, too.
But, uh... first I got to take Major out.
Look at him. He's bugging me for a walk.
Come on, you mutt.
Unbelievable.
One bad fucking day and she falls apart.
Oh, somebody shit on your dream?
Well, hey, welcome to my world.
One bad day and now I'm stuck
at the movies
with her fucking hormones
for the rest of the night.
Un-fucking-believable.
Oh, but it's all about the woman
and her fucking day.
This is why men die first.
She deserves a break?
Where's my break?
When they close the casket.
Oh, I've been there, kemosabe.
I was... just talking to my dog.
Hey, I know you.
You're one of those Air Force pilots
from the parade.
Yeah, I've never seen
an elephant get put down before.
I wonder who gets that ivory?
Chet Stevenson.
Frank Murphy.
I was just in the Air Force Reserves,
but before that I was
with the 14th Infantry in Korea.
Army? Brother, you guys
were really in the shit.
Well, I definitely shot
a lot of shit at a tree line.
One time I thought I took out
an enemy squad,
but it turned out
to be a family of pandas.
One survived,
and we made it our company mascot.
Sweet little fellow.
Ripped off Grabowski's head
when we tried to make it ride a bicycle.
Hey, how about a beer?
Uh, I'd love to, but... I better get home.
One for the road then.
Hey, dumpling!
This is our new neighbor, Frank.
A couple of cold ones, will you?
Your wife is lovely.
Oh, she's my angel.
I met her after my squadron
bombed her village.
Wiped out a whole nest of Viet Cong
and got me a honey of a gal.
That's what you call a win-win.
Hey, Nguyen-Nguyen, this is Frank.
Thanks. Nice to meet you.
Nice meet you.
Nguyen-Nguyen doesn't speak
a lot of English, but she's getting there.
Learning from the TV, right, baby?
Paul Lynde to block.
Hey, Frank, we're about to put on
the old feed bag.
Want to join us?
Nguyen-Nguyen makes a cao lau to die for.
Aw, thanks, but I better get home.
I'm taking the wife and kids
to the drive-in.
It's where you're in a car
and you watch a movie.
America so great.
That's why we won, sweetheart.
Well, you have fun, Frank.
Love to meet the family sometime.
They sure look like a fun bunch.
Hold still! Do you want to get
deer ticks again?
Ew. I can't feel my tongue!
Then stop talking with it!
Why must you fight me on everything?
Stop squirming!
If I lose this baby, it's your fault!
Hey, you know what?
These are our new neighbors,
Chet and Nguyen-Nguyen.
They're really fun, and he's a hero.
And I thought it be great if they came
to the movies with us.
What do you think, Sue?
Yeah. Sure. Sounds great.
- Frank, could you help me tie my shoe?
- You're wearing slip-ons.
- What are you talking about?
- Just get over here!
Hey, kids. What's this behind your ears?
- Wow.
- These are from Vietnam.
They sure are.
They're not worth much here,
but there it'll buy you
an ox and an acre of land.
First you bring
the kids along and now these people?
You don't want to be alone
with me tonight!
That's crazy. I mean,
you're not crazy, you're just wrong.
Wrong in a good way.
- Hey, if this is a problem...
- No!
No, no. No problem. The more the merrier.
Okay, Sue has spoken. We are a go!
Play dead underneath the chairs
till after we get past the ticket booth.
- You know the drill.
- Ow!
Madame, your chariot awaits.
Thank you.
This will be fun.
You girls sit in the back and gossip.
What war are you from?
Oh, that hit the spot.
It's Atomic Bombay.
Grown in Indian cow dung.
Their poop is sacred over there.
You guys saved my night.
Sue lost her shit
and went all Frank on me.
Just 'cause you flunked math?
Yeah, it wasn't even math. It was algebra!
I was doing pretty good
until some asshole put letters in there.
I wrote a new song for us.
Um, this is
the title track for our new album.
Also, it's long enough to be
the whole album.
Uh, hey, Kev, you know...
we wanted to talk to you about...
You're gonna love it.
♪ The wheel of darkness forever turns ♪
♪ The orphans weep as the steeple burns ♪
Hi, kids! It's Hobo Jojo
from Channel Nine's Cartoon Roundhouse.
The show starts in two minutes.
Why not run down to the snack stand
and hop aboard the treat train?
No free rides for hobos.
Get a job like the rest of us.
Dad, can I get some candy?
At those prices? Not a chance.
I got something better.
They're from my old truck.
Oh, the surprise is a tooth.
You're surprised, aren't you?
Didn't touch this part.
Hey, look at this.
It's a computer you can use
to write on your TV.
You can talk
to someone across the room with this.
Maureen, don't bother Mrs. Stevenson.
I'm not bothering her!
Do you like computers?
Oh, yes.
"Gentlemen, we have the capability
to make the world's first bionic man.
Better, stronger, faster.
Look out, Steve!"
Jesus, Maureen! Frank?
Princess, give me that.
You're winding her up.
The movie's starting.
Pay attention.
You could learn something.
All right, Sleepy Ramirez.
Ooh, it's a Sy Jewison!
This sleepy burro will work tomorrow.
Holy frijoles, that burns me holey!
Ay, ay, ay!
Wasting so much food.
Daddy, I have to go to the bathroom.
Okay, sweetheart.
Bill, take your sister to the bathroom.
But I'm gonna miss the cartoon.
You're gonna miss your next birthday.
Move it!
Come on! You ruin everything.
Keep an eye on her,
there's all kinds of creeps out there!
Heya, Frank.
Kids got to pee?
Just one of them, Goom!
Now the adults can have a relaxing time.
See, Sue? It's like we're on a date.
Aw.
So, Chet, I got to ask you,
soldier to soldier.
When you were in Vietnam...
who was the biggest star
that ever entertained you?
Raquel Welch.
Aw, all we got was Shemp.
And he was sick.
So sick.
Get in there and make it quick.
All my friends think you're ugly.
You don't have any friends.
We too tired to draw anymore.
You made me miss the ending.
He fell asleep. He always does.
But the question is how.
♪ The what we did ♪
Tuskegee, everyone's dead.
Everyone's dead!
Oh, God, where are my hands?
Hey, Frank, you ever miss
the freedom of war?
I didn't really have
a lot of freedom over there.
I got yelled at. I got shot.
- I got yelled at for getting shot.
- Could you keep it down?
- I'm trying to watch the movie.
- We are, too!
In silence, please.
Ah, jeez, Sue. I think maybe
you need something to eat.
I'm fine.
No, no. You didn't really have any dinner
because you tossed it all on the floor.
Let me go to the snack stand
and get you a pizza.
I don't need a pizza.
Come on, Sue. You know
how you get when you don't eat.
How do I get?
Just like this.
I'm fine!
Sue, you're eating for two now.
There's no shame in needing nourishment.
I'll go with you, Frank.
And since you were kind enough
to invite us, I'm buying.
Thanks, Chet.
You're gonna leave me alone with her?
She barely speaks English.
Now you can watch
the movie in peace. Mwah.
I'll be back before you know it.
You're so pretty.
Like Samantha on Bewitched.
Thank you.
If she came to my village,
we throw her down a well.
Why don't we watch the movie?
♪ And the scroll of the troll
Read, "Nay" ♪
♪ He lived not to write another book ♪
- Kev, we need to talk...
- Wait, wait, wait. I'm not done.
Here comes the talking part.
♪ Crying eyes blinded by tears ♪
♪ Innocent sheep made cold by shears ♪
♪ The hungry babe a teat it sees ♪
♪ But mother's milk has gone to cheese ♪
♪ With cracked lips and wolves and... ♪
All right, Kev, I think we know
where this is headed.
Thanks. I put my soul into it.
Yeah, we can, uh, see that.
A lot of soul.
Just one tiny thought.
It's depressing as shit.
What are you trying to say?
We want to play happier music.
Yeah, man.
Your songs remind me
that my uncle died cleaning his gun.
We'll never get chicks with that stuff.
Music is not about getting laid.
Everything is about getting laid!
Chicks dig songs about fun stuff,
like surfing and free rides.
And business being taken care of.
That's like Lifted Riffs.
Yes! If we played that kind of music,
we'd be drowning in pussy.
Fuck you! Drowning is a serious subject!
I've loved you
ever since the moment I first loved you.
Oh, I've dreamed of the day
when I would dream of this day.
How can a movie with Nazis be so boring?
Hello? What are you doing in there?
The more you talk,
the longer I'll take.
Thanks for helping me get out of there,
Chet. She's driving me nuts.
I really appreciate it.
Hey, leave no man behind.
The Air Force takes care of their own.
Yeah.
Tell you the truth, I never got to fly.
Maybe someday.
You will, buddy.
I think you could use some refreshment.
Oh, Christ, thank you.
You okay?
Ah.
Me and Sue are going
through a little rough patch.
She's a mess, and nothing I do
seems to be enough.
She acts like she's
the only one having a tough time.
I'm constantly picking her up.
But who's telling me
everything's gonna be all right?
That's what I'm here for, fella.
You know, you called me a hero before.
Well, in my book, you're the hero.
a steady job, family, friends.
Me? I'm a nomad.
I've been stationed in five countries
in the past three years.
I'd kill for what you built.
Thanks.
You know, you're the kind of guy
I want my son to...
Hey, moron!
Turn off your fucking lights!
War is so much happier with music.
Shh.
I'm sorry.
I'll be quiet.
No, I'm sorry.
Look, I'm not mad at you.
You seem nice.
It's just nothing
is going right for me lately.
I'm a mess.
You can't tell from looking at me,
but I had plans.
I was gonna do big things.
Big things with lettuce.
You know... lettuce?
Oh, yes! I have Salad Tosser.
"Leaf the drying to us!"
You should get one.
Only nine ninety-five!
Operator standing by!
Oh.
We are not changing this band.
This is Merlin's Monocle, and I'm Merlin!
I thought I was Merlin.
Well, we don't want to be
Merlin or Monocles anymore.
- What?
- Yeah, we want to change the name
to something that chicks would dig,
like Throbinson Crusoe.
I like Dicks A Plenty.
Wait. Is it one dick that owns a plenty,
or many dicks that are plenty?
I just like dicks, all right?
We're not changing the name!
We're so close to making it.
We got a word on the radio.
We were close, but you blew it!
Vic was all set to help us out
and you threw it away
because you fucked his girlfriend!
You're the one
with her picture on your wall!
All I do is jerk it
into the washing machine.
What you did was sick!
I am the heart and soul of this band!
And we're the dick and balls!
Stop talking about dicks!
I can't!
Look, man, the deal is we don't want
to sing about wizards and ogres anymore.
Kevin Murphy does not compromise
his artistic vision!
Well, then maybe...
uh...
we shouldn't be
in a band with you anymore.
You're kicking me out?
Well, good!
Maybe I don't want to be
in a band with you guys first!
Bunch of dildos.
This is mine.
You don't even deserve me.
God damn it.
Dildos gonna pay for...
You're gonna buy me new jeans.
I got them all dirty
'cause of your stupid broken door.
Goddamn stupid dildos.
Oh, Gwendolyn. One last volunteer
mission and we'll be together forever.
I love you, Joseph P. Kennedy, Jr.
Now get on that plane full of dynamite
and come back to me.
I, like, like you, Bridget.
Kiss me, you splooge socket.
What is wrong with you?
You can't even watch a war movie
without daydreaming about a girl,
you fucking pussy.
Leave him alone, Frank!
Oh, all you do is coddle him!
Don't yell at me!
I am about to give birth to your baby!
You're right. I'm so sorry.
- I love you.
- I love you, too.
- I'm gonna crash!
- Stick that landing!
Oh, I'm gonna crash!
Maureen? Maureen!
Bill, you were supposed to watch me,
but now I'm dead!
Holy shit!
Maureen?
Are you okay in there?
Maureen?
Maureen? Say something!
God damn it.
There you are.
Maureen, you scared me half to...
What the hell are you doing?
- What are you doing?
- Reading!
Help! Police!
Oh, shit!
Our name is Jimmy Fitzsimmons!
Oh, God!
I feel
like I'm living on shifting sand.
Sieg heil!
This kid will be here before I know it,
and I have no fucking idea
where to put it.
I already got one baby in the basement.
Where's this one going? On the roof?
Just build a new room on the back
of your house for the baby.
Chet, I gave my son three-year-old candy
with a tooth in it to save a few bucks.
Does it sound
like I can afford a contractor?
Contractor? They're all crooks.
Do it yourself! I'll help.
You would do that?
Sure. I built
a bunch of orphanages in Vietnam.
God knows, I did
enough shit over there to fill them up.
My God, Chet, thanks.
Oh, that'll make
Sue feel so much better...
Oh, shit, I forgot her pizza!
Uh, give me a Silver Screen
Sensational Sausage Pizza
and a Dinosaur Gulp of Rusty Cola.
Oh, you missed the cutoff.
We close at 10:00.
Listen, kid.
You may not understand this now,
but when you get married you will.
I left to get my wife a pizza an hour ago,
but I stopped to drink and smoke.
If I go back to that car empty-handed,
I'll be a dead man.
Sorry, but I don't make the rules.
Oh, for Christ sakes,
she's gonna have my ass.
All right, Colonel. Take it easy.
Colonel?
Please, he's just a boy.
- Don't kill him.
- Kill me?
Son, you don't know
how close you just came
to having your nutsack
stapled to your forehead.
That is Colonel Frank Murphy.
Rhymes with mercy, but he has none.
And he is an American hero.
He once flew his burning F-4
with two broken legs and charred hands
and steered it with his manhood
because mayhem turns him on.
You do not want this man as an enemy.
Or a lover.
Colonel Murphy has done things
he'll never be able to undo.
He has seen things he can never unsee.
Do you know he hasn't had
an emotional connection
with another human being in two decades?
But the other day, the mere sight
of a kitten walking along a fence
caused him to burst into tears?
Did you know that at night
he sits in his backyard
staring at the tree line,
silently whispering, "Here I am, Charlie.
Make it my last night.
Make it my last night."
And why has he done all of this?
All so young men like you
could live a full life,
with a fast car and a sweet piece of ass,
never knowing what it's like
to stir a hot pot of Army rations
with a discarded femur.
So if you respect this man's sacrifice,
you will make him a Silver Screen...
Sensational... Sausage... Pizza!
Thank you, Colonel Murphy.
Cover your bits, boys.
Microwave's going hot.
She stole it from me.
Just stole it.
And I rushed my follow-up
and made a fool of myself at the parade.
And now I've got a baby on the way,
and my husband means well,
but he's no help.
It feels
like I'll never accomplish anything.
You just can't understand
how hopeless my life is.
I remember birds in trees got quiet.
I hear mother scream.
Then everything go white.
Then everything black.
Then everything flames.
Then pop, pop, pop, pop, pop.
I look for father, but he's not there.
Nobody there.
Then think, "Why I still here?"
Still think that every day.
But your Salad Tosser story is sad, too.
Oh, my God, look at me,
going on about my stupid life.
I've got it good.
I'm so selfish and spoiled and...
Oh, my God and I'm still
talking about myself.
- I am so sorry.
- It's okay.
Water under bridge...
Like typhoon that took grandfather.
Oh, fuck.
You're so weird.
What were you doing in there?
I just wanted some place to read
my magazine without Dad taking it away.
He's always yelling about it.
He's always yelling about everything.
Do you think our family is normal?
No.
And it's not gonna get any better
when the baby comes.
We'll get through it.
Us middle kids got to stick together.
What about Kevin?
Fuck him.
Thank you, honey.
This turned out to be a great night.
You deserved a break.
Hey. Wake up and go to bed,
you little shit.
Chet, I can't thank you enough.
If you really want to thank me,
don't thank me.
And I mean it
about building that addition for you.
If those war-hating Amish pussies
in silly beards and horse buggies
can raise a barn on a Sunday,
hey, hey, we can sure as shit
build a kid's room by Halloween.
Cheers, buddy.
Frank look at Chet
like Mr. Whipple look at Charmin.
Nguyen-Nguyen, you really helped me
put things in perspective.
The pity party is over.
And I'm not giving up.
I'll have another idea,
and that one's gonna hit.
I don't care what Vivian says.
Good for you.
Who Vivian?
Exactly.
I don't need those fucking dildos
and their shit music anyway.
How much can one man suffer?
No one in that family would have survived.
♪ Remember ♪
♪ All the loving and the loss ♪
♪ And the kissing and the dying ♪
♪ Of the what we did ♪
♪ Old times were different than the new ♪
♪ When I think of it all ♪
♪ It makes my head hurt to recall ♪
♪ When our days are ending ♪
♪ We'll never be forgetting ♪
♪ The what we did ♪
♪ Swaying in the summer breeze ♪
♪ Showing off their silver leaves ♪
♪ As we walked by ♪
♪ Soft kisses on a summer's day ♪
♪ Laughing all our cares away ♪
♪ Just you and I ♪
Oh, man, I hope that's the last one.
It's not a dumb idea, Vivian.
It's a great idea!
Every kitchen needs one!
The name is self-explanatory.
It's The Onion Caddy.
It caddies your onions.
I tell you what, you call me back
when you think of a million-dollar idea
'cause I already did it once!
So... how's Vivian?
You think it's a good idea, right?
Of course!
It's a cool idea!
I'd totally buy one, Mom.
Onions are really big with kids my age.
Vivian's right. It's terrible.
I had one great invention and that's it.
The well is dry.
Oh, honey. What do you need?
Anything, you name it.
You could turn on the air conditioner.
It's not hot enough for it yet.
What does this family
have against comfort?
Electricity costs money, Kevin.
Do the math.
He can't. He failed math.
- You what?
- You failed math?
- You are dead.
- And you are dumb.
- He has to go to summer school.
- Summer school?
We're supposed to go
to the lake next month!
You just fucked up
the whole summer, Kevin!
Daddy, I got all A's!
Oh, Princess,
I'm yelling at Kevin right now.
What the fuck is wrong with you?
- Frank, stop yelling.
- That is it, no more guitar.
You're gonna have your nose
in a book this whole summer,
if I have to glue it to your goddamn face!
You understand me?
Am I speaking plain English,
or did you fucking flunk that, too?
I got a D-plus in English!
Oh, a D-plus!
Well, let's have a fucking parade!
Frank, you are not helping.
Hey, strike up the band!
♪ Three cheers for my D-minus son! ♪
D-plus!
For God's sake, will you two shut up!
It is hot.
There is a creature inside me
and it is using my bladder as a speed bag,
but do you see me...
ranting and raving like a lunatic?
Why don't I turn on the air conditioner?
Here you go, honey. Sweet relief.
Agh.
Oh, shit!
Don't lick that toad, Frank!
♪ Come and get your love ♪
♪ Come and get your love ♪
♪ Come and get your love ♪
♪ Come and get your love ♪
♪ Come and get your love
Come and get your love ♪
♪ Come and get your love now ♪
♪ Come and get your love
Come and get your love ♪
♪ Come and get your love now ♪
Ah!
♪ Come and get your love
Come and get your love ♪
♪ Come and get your love now ♪
♪ Come and get your love
Come and get your love ♪
♪ Come and get your love now ♪
I got a new cold bag for you.
Hmm, thank you.
Why on Earth would you bring me onions?
It was either that
or the last piece of our wedding cake.
God damn it, I'm trying here, Sue!
You're right.
You're right. I'm sorry.
I'm just having a really bad day.
Tell you what, honey,
why don't we all settle down...
take a deep breath, and watch TV?
And it's wonderful to meet
your lovely wife and co-star, Astrid.
Oh, is that your name?
I just call her Number Five.
And I walked in on Number Six
doing number two on his chest.
Oh.
Oh, Frank, why would you
make me watch this garbage?
I can't choose what he's into.
- Turn it off!
- Fine. Fine.
No! No! Leave it on.
Jesus Christ.
This is that new movie
I've been wanting to see.
When was the last time
a motion picture made you
fall in love again...
with war?
♪ Remember all the loving and the loss ♪
Man, woman, love, lust,
battle, betrayal, doom, romance, death,
medal ceremony, credits.
This is The What We Did.
Now playing at the Rustland drive-in
on Old Sacred Indian Burial Ground Road.
Frank, what if we went
to that movie tonight?
We could escape the house,
get some fresh air?
Wouldn't that be great?
To have a little alone time?
Alone time? With you?
- Please?
- Sure, honey!
Better yet, we'll all have alone time.
As a family.
But I just wanted...
Do we have to go?
Hey, if I have to go, you have to go.
And I want to go!
Sure doesn't sound like it.
I'm dying to go, Sue!
We're all dying together.
Before we go, can you rub my feet?
They're swollen.
Oh, I'm dying to do that, too.
But, uh... first I got to take Major out.
Look at him. He's bugging me for a walk.
Come on, you mutt.
Unbelievable.
One bad fucking day and she falls apart.
Oh, somebody shit on your dream?
Well, hey, welcome to my world.
One bad day and now I'm stuck
at the movies
with her fucking hormones
for the rest of the night.
Un-fucking-believable.
Oh, but it's all about the woman
and her fucking day.
This is why men die first.
She deserves a break?
Where's my break?
When they close the casket.
Oh, I've been there, kemosabe.
I was... just talking to my dog.
Hey, I know you.
You're one of those Air Force pilots
from the parade.
Yeah, I've never seen
an elephant get put down before.
I wonder who gets that ivory?
Chet Stevenson.
Frank Murphy.
I was just in the Air Force Reserves,
but before that I was
with the 14th Infantry in Korea.
Army? Brother, you guys
were really in the shit.
Well, I definitely shot
a lot of shit at a tree line.
One time I thought I took out
an enemy squad,
but it turned out
to be a family of pandas.
One survived,
and we made it our company mascot.
Sweet little fellow.
Ripped off Grabowski's head
when we tried to make it ride a bicycle.
Hey, how about a beer?
Uh, I'd love to, but... I better get home.
One for the road then.
Hey, dumpling!
This is our new neighbor, Frank.
A couple of cold ones, will you?
Your wife is lovely.
Oh, she's my angel.
I met her after my squadron
bombed her village.
Wiped out a whole nest of Viet Cong
and got me a honey of a gal.
That's what you call a win-win.
Hey, Nguyen-Nguyen, this is Frank.
Thanks. Nice to meet you.
Nice meet you.
Nguyen-Nguyen doesn't speak
a lot of English, but she's getting there.
Learning from the TV, right, baby?
Paul Lynde to block.
Hey, Frank, we're about to put on
the old feed bag.
Want to join us?
Nguyen-Nguyen makes a cao lau to die for.
Aw, thanks, but I better get home.
I'm taking the wife and kids
to the drive-in.
It's where you're in a car
and you watch a movie.
America so great.
That's why we won, sweetheart.
Well, you have fun, Frank.
Love to meet the family sometime.
They sure look like a fun bunch.
Hold still! Do you want to get
deer ticks again?
Ew. I can't feel my tongue!
Then stop talking with it!
Why must you fight me on everything?
Stop squirming!
If I lose this baby, it's your fault!
Hey, you know what?
These are our new neighbors,
Chet and Nguyen-Nguyen.
They're really fun, and he's a hero.
And I thought it be great if they came
to the movies with us.
What do you think, Sue?
Yeah. Sure. Sounds great.
- Frank, could you help me tie my shoe?
- You're wearing slip-ons.
- What are you talking about?
- Just get over here!
Hey, kids. What's this behind your ears?
- Wow.
- These are from Vietnam.
They sure are.
They're not worth much here,
but there it'll buy you
an ox and an acre of land.
First you bring
the kids along and now these people?
You don't want to be alone
with me tonight!
That's crazy. I mean,
you're not crazy, you're just wrong.
Wrong in a good way.
- Hey, if this is a problem...
- No!
No, no. No problem. The more the merrier.
Okay, Sue has spoken. We are a go!
Play dead underneath the chairs
till after we get past the ticket booth.
- You know the drill.
- Ow!
Madame, your chariot awaits.
Thank you.
This will be fun.
You girls sit in the back and gossip.
What war are you from?
Oh, that hit the spot.
It's Atomic Bombay.
Grown in Indian cow dung.
Their poop is sacred over there.
You guys saved my night.
Sue lost her shit
and went all Frank on me.
Just 'cause you flunked math?
Yeah, it wasn't even math. It was algebra!
I was doing pretty good
until some asshole put letters in there.
I wrote a new song for us.
Um, this is
the title track for our new album.
Also, it's long enough to be
the whole album.
Uh, hey, Kev, you know...
we wanted to talk to you about...
You're gonna love it.
♪ The wheel of darkness forever turns ♪
♪ The orphans weep as the steeple burns ♪
Hi, kids! It's Hobo Jojo
from Channel Nine's Cartoon Roundhouse.
The show starts in two minutes.
Why not run down to the snack stand
and hop aboard the treat train?
No free rides for hobos.
Get a job like the rest of us.
Dad, can I get some candy?
At those prices? Not a chance.
I got something better.
They're from my old truck.
Oh, the surprise is a tooth.
You're surprised, aren't you?
Didn't touch this part.
Hey, look at this.
It's a computer you can use
to write on your TV.
You can talk
to someone across the room with this.
Maureen, don't bother Mrs. Stevenson.
I'm not bothering her!
Do you like computers?
Oh, yes.
"Gentlemen, we have the capability
to make the world's first bionic man.
Better, stronger, faster.
Look out, Steve!"
Jesus, Maureen! Frank?
Princess, give me that.
You're winding her up.
The movie's starting.
Pay attention.
You could learn something.
All right, Sleepy Ramirez.
Ooh, it's a Sy Jewison!
This sleepy burro will work tomorrow.
Holy frijoles, that burns me holey!
Ay, ay, ay!
Wasting so much food.
Daddy, I have to go to the bathroom.
Okay, sweetheart.
Bill, take your sister to the bathroom.
But I'm gonna miss the cartoon.
You're gonna miss your next birthday.
Move it!
Come on! You ruin everything.
Keep an eye on her,
there's all kinds of creeps out there!
Heya, Frank.
Kids got to pee?
Just one of them, Goom!
Now the adults can have a relaxing time.
See, Sue? It's like we're on a date.
Aw.
So, Chet, I got to ask you,
soldier to soldier.
When you were in Vietnam...
who was the biggest star
that ever entertained you?
Raquel Welch.
Aw, all we got was Shemp.
And he was sick.
So sick.
Get in there and make it quick.
All my friends think you're ugly.
You don't have any friends.
We too tired to draw anymore.
You made me miss the ending.
He fell asleep. He always does.
But the question is how.
♪ The what we did ♪
Tuskegee, everyone's dead.
Everyone's dead!
Oh, God, where are my hands?
Hey, Frank, you ever miss
the freedom of war?
I didn't really have
a lot of freedom over there.
I got yelled at. I got shot.
- I got yelled at for getting shot.
- Could you keep it down?
- I'm trying to watch the movie.
- We are, too!
In silence, please.
Ah, jeez, Sue. I think maybe
you need something to eat.
I'm fine.
No, no. You didn't really have any dinner
because you tossed it all on the floor.
Let me go to the snack stand
and get you a pizza.
I don't need a pizza.
Come on, Sue. You know
how you get when you don't eat.
How do I get?
Just like this.
I'm fine!
Sue, you're eating for two now.
There's no shame in needing nourishment.
I'll go with you, Frank.
And since you were kind enough
to invite us, I'm buying.
Thanks, Chet.
You're gonna leave me alone with her?
She barely speaks English.
Now you can watch
the movie in peace. Mwah.
I'll be back before you know it.
You're so pretty.
Like Samantha on Bewitched.
Thank you.
If she came to my village,
we throw her down a well.
Why don't we watch the movie?
♪ And the scroll of the troll
Read, "Nay" ♪
♪ He lived not to write another book ♪
- Kev, we need to talk...
- Wait, wait, wait. I'm not done.
Here comes the talking part.
♪ Crying eyes blinded by tears ♪
♪ Innocent sheep made cold by shears ♪
♪ The hungry babe a teat it sees ♪
♪ But mother's milk has gone to cheese ♪
♪ With cracked lips and wolves and... ♪
All right, Kev, I think we know
where this is headed.
Thanks. I put my soul into it.
Yeah, we can, uh, see that.
A lot of soul.
Just one tiny thought.
It's depressing as shit.
What are you trying to say?
We want to play happier music.
Yeah, man.
Your songs remind me
that my uncle died cleaning his gun.
We'll never get chicks with that stuff.
Music is not about getting laid.
Everything is about getting laid!
Chicks dig songs about fun stuff,
like surfing and free rides.
And business being taken care of.
That's like Lifted Riffs.
Yes! If we played that kind of music,
we'd be drowning in pussy.
Fuck you! Drowning is a serious subject!
I've loved you
ever since the moment I first loved you.
Oh, I've dreamed of the day
when I would dream of this day.
How can a movie with Nazis be so boring?
Hello? What are you doing in there?
The more you talk,
the longer I'll take.
Thanks for helping me get out of there,
Chet. She's driving me nuts.
I really appreciate it.
Hey, leave no man behind.
The Air Force takes care of their own.
Yeah.
Tell you the truth, I never got to fly.
Maybe someday.
You will, buddy.
I think you could use some refreshment.
Oh, Christ, thank you.
You okay?
Ah.
Me and Sue are going
through a little rough patch.
She's a mess, and nothing I do
seems to be enough.
She acts like she's
the only one having a tough time.
I'm constantly picking her up.
But who's telling me
everything's gonna be all right?
That's what I'm here for, fella.
You know, you called me a hero before.
Well, in my book, you're the hero.
a steady job, family, friends.
Me? I'm a nomad.
I've been stationed in five countries
in the past three years.
I'd kill for what you built.
Thanks.
You know, you're the kind of guy
I want my son to...
Hey, moron!
Turn off your fucking lights!
War is so much happier with music.
Shh.
I'm sorry.
I'll be quiet.
No, I'm sorry.
Look, I'm not mad at you.
You seem nice.
It's just nothing
is going right for me lately.
I'm a mess.
You can't tell from looking at me,
but I had plans.
I was gonna do big things.
Big things with lettuce.
You know... lettuce?
Oh, yes! I have Salad Tosser.
"Leaf the drying to us!"
You should get one.
Only nine ninety-five!
Operator standing by!
Oh.
We are not changing this band.
This is Merlin's Monocle, and I'm Merlin!
I thought I was Merlin.
Well, we don't want to be
Merlin or Monocles anymore.
- What?
- Yeah, we want to change the name
to something that chicks would dig,
like Throbinson Crusoe.
I like Dicks A Plenty.
Wait. Is it one dick that owns a plenty,
or many dicks that are plenty?
I just like dicks, all right?
We're not changing the name!
We're so close to making it.
We got a word on the radio.
We were close, but you blew it!
Vic was all set to help us out
and you threw it away
because you fucked his girlfriend!
You're the one
with her picture on your wall!
All I do is jerk it
into the washing machine.
What you did was sick!
I am the heart and soul of this band!
And we're the dick and balls!
Stop talking about dicks!
I can't!
Look, man, the deal is we don't want
to sing about wizards and ogres anymore.
Kevin Murphy does not compromise
his artistic vision!
Well, then maybe...
uh...
we shouldn't be
in a band with you anymore.
You're kicking me out?
Well, good!
Maybe I don't want to be
in a band with you guys first!
Bunch of dildos.
This is mine.
You don't even deserve me.
God damn it.
Dildos gonna pay for...
You're gonna buy me new jeans.
I got them all dirty
'cause of your stupid broken door.
Goddamn stupid dildos.
Oh, Gwendolyn. One last volunteer
mission and we'll be together forever.
I love you, Joseph P. Kennedy, Jr.
Now get on that plane full of dynamite
and come back to me.
I, like, like you, Bridget.
Kiss me, you splooge socket.
What is wrong with you?
You can't even watch a war movie
without daydreaming about a girl,
you fucking pussy.
Leave him alone, Frank!
Oh, all you do is coddle him!
Don't yell at me!
I am about to give birth to your baby!
You're right. I'm so sorry.
- I love you.
- I love you, too.
- I'm gonna crash!
- Stick that landing!
Oh, I'm gonna crash!
Maureen? Maureen!
Bill, you were supposed to watch me,
but now I'm dead!
Holy shit!
Maureen?
Are you okay in there?
Maureen?
Maureen? Say something!
God damn it.
There you are.
Maureen, you scared me half to...
What the hell are you doing?
- What are you doing?
- Reading!
Help! Police!
Oh, shit!
Our name is Jimmy Fitzsimmons!
Oh, God!
I feel
like I'm living on shifting sand.
Sieg heil!
This kid will be here before I know it,
and I have no fucking idea
where to put it.
I already got one baby in the basement.
Where's this one going? On the roof?
Just build a new room on the back
of your house for the baby.
Chet, I gave my son three-year-old candy
with a tooth in it to save a few bucks.
Does it sound
like I can afford a contractor?
Contractor? They're all crooks.
Do it yourself! I'll help.
You would do that?
Sure. I built
a bunch of orphanages in Vietnam.
God knows, I did
enough shit over there to fill them up.
My God, Chet, thanks.
Oh, that'll make
Sue feel so much better...
Oh, shit, I forgot her pizza!
Uh, give me a Silver Screen
Sensational Sausage Pizza
and a Dinosaur Gulp of Rusty Cola.
Oh, you missed the cutoff.
We close at 10:00.
Listen, kid.
You may not understand this now,
but when you get married you will.
I left to get my wife a pizza an hour ago,
but I stopped to drink and smoke.
If I go back to that car empty-handed,
I'll be a dead man.
Sorry, but I don't make the rules.
Oh, for Christ sakes,
she's gonna have my ass.
All right, Colonel. Take it easy.
Colonel?
Please, he's just a boy.
- Don't kill him.
- Kill me?
Son, you don't know
how close you just came
to having your nutsack
stapled to your forehead.
That is Colonel Frank Murphy.
Rhymes with mercy, but he has none.
And he is an American hero.
He once flew his burning F-4
with two broken legs and charred hands
and steered it with his manhood
because mayhem turns him on.
You do not want this man as an enemy.
Or a lover.
Colonel Murphy has done things
he'll never be able to undo.
He has seen things he can never unsee.
Do you know he hasn't had
an emotional connection
with another human being in two decades?
But the other day, the mere sight
of a kitten walking along a fence
caused him to burst into tears?
Did you know that at night
he sits in his backyard
staring at the tree line,
silently whispering, "Here I am, Charlie.
Make it my last night.
Make it my last night."
And why has he done all of this?
All so young men like you
could live a full life,
with a fast car and a sweet piece of ass,
never knowing what it's like
to stir a hot pot of Army rations
with a discarded femur.
So if you respect this man's sacrifice,
you will make him a Silver Screen...
Sensational... Sausage... Pizza!
Thank you, Colonel Murphy.
Cover your bits, boys.
Microwave's going hot.
She stole it from me.
Just stole it.
And I rushed my follow-up
and made a fool of myself at the parade.
And now I've got a baby on the way,
and my husband means well,
but he's no help.
It feels
like I'll never accomplish anything.
You just can't understand
how hopeless my life is.
I remember birds in trees got quiet.
I hear mother scream.
Then everything go white.
Then everything black.
Then everything flames.
Then pop, pop, pop, pop, pop.
I look for father, but he's not there.
Nobody there.
Then think, "Why I still here?"
Still think that every day.
But your Salad Tosser story is sad, too.
Oh, my God, look at me,
going on about my stupid life.
I've got it good.
I'm so selfish and spoiled and...
Oh, my God and I'm still
talking about myself.
- I am so sorry.
- It's okay.
Water under bridge...
Like typhoon that took grandfather.
Oh, fuck.
You're so weird.
What were you doing in there?
I just wanted some place to read
my magazine without Dad taking it away.
He's always yelling about it.
He's always yelling about everything.
Do you think our family is normal?
No.
And it's not gonna get any better
when the baby comes.
We'll get through it.
Us middle kids got to stick together.
What about Kevin?
Fuck him.
Thank you, honey.
This turned out to be a great night.
You deserved a break.
Hey. Wake up and go to bed,
you little shit.
Chet, I can't thank you enough.
If you really want to thank me,
don't thank me.
And I mean it
about building that addition for you.
If those war-hating Amish pussies
in silly beards and horse buggies
can raise a barn on a Sunday,
hey, hey, we can sure as shit
build a kid's room by Halloween.
Cheers, buddy.
Frank look at Chet
like Mr. Whipple look at Charmin.
Nguyen-Nguyen, you really helped me
put things in perspective.
The pity party is over.
And I'm not giving up.
I'll have another idea,
and that one's gonna hit.
I don't care what Vivian says.
Good for you.
Who Vivian?
Exactly.
I don't need those fucking dildos
and their shit music anyway.
How much can one man suffer?
No one in that family would have survived.
♪ Remember ♪
♪ All the loving and the loss ♪
♪ And the kissing and the dying ♪
♪ Of the what we did ♪
♪ Old times were different than the new ♪
♪ When I think of it all ♪
♪ It makes my head hurt to recall ♪
♪ When our days are ending ♪
♪ We'll never be forgetting ♪
♪ The what we did ♪