F Is for Family (2015–…): Season 3, Episode 1 - Are You Ready for the Summer? - full transcript

Oh, the summer of '61.

Our very first Fourth of July block party.

Who was that sweet guy
who always wore that beret?

He made those great burgers.

He sure did.
He was funny. Always with the joke.

Where is he now?

Blew his head off in '63.

Oh. That's right.

What was his name?

I have no idea.

God, I miss those burgers.



- What's Lake Wawayonda?
- You'll see.

That's where we're going on vacation.

It's going to be a great summer.

Memorial Day Parade tomorrow.

The block party on the Fourth.

The softball game.

Fireworks. Aw, cold beer on a hot night.

This is why we kill foreigners, kids.

Look how young we were.

Oh, Frank, you were so handsome.

Yeah. Nice glasses, Dad.

You look like you took them from
Buddy Holly before they closed the casket.

You're right, I do. Good one, Bill.

Oh, my God, you look like Joe Morello.



Who the fuck is Joe Morello?

He's a jazz drummer for Dave Brubeck.

He's legally blind with glasses.

Legally,
your birth certificate says "ape."

Oh, isn't he clever?

You're fucking dead.

Settle down.

Aw, so darling.

Frank, honey, who was filming that?

Good old Goomer.

We had some sweet times in those days.

Oh, I fell in love
with that wallpaper pattern.

Daffodil dreams.

I was going to do the whole room in it.

And then baby Bill came along.

So, I put it on hold for a bit.

Mom, that was 12 years ago.

You say I never finish anything.

Good one, Kevin.

Oh, my God, you're right.

That's not funny, Kevin.

- I should finish it now.
- No, no, honey.

Sit down.

I didn't finish the wallpaper.
I didn't finish college.

I never finish anything.

You finished that half gallon of ice cream
this morning.

Good job, Kevin, you made your mother cry.

You made her pregnant.

Hey, that was a happy accident
like every goddamn one of you.

Is that all I can do? Make babies?

No!

What about the Salad Tosser?

Yeah, Mom, it's the greatest thing ever.
It's on TV all the time.

She didn't get any money from that, dildo.

That was my one shot, and now it's over.

Honey, honey, relax.

Your new invention
is going to be even better.

Just hope nobody steals that one.

Kevin, will you shut up!
Honey, honey, don't cry.

Let's watch the good times again.
See, look how happy we were.

We'll get it back. We'll get it back.

Oh, for God's sakes.

Oh, fucking Japanese piece of shit!

♪ Come and get your love ♪

♪ Come and get your love ♪

♪ Come and get your love ♪

♪ Come and get your love ♪

♪ Come and get your love
Come and get your love ♪

♪ Come and get your love now ♪

♪ Come and get your love
Come and get your love ♪

♪ Come and get your love now ♪

Ah!

♪ Come and get your love
Come and get your love ♪

♪ Come and get your love now ♪

♪ Come and get your love
Come and get your love ♪

♪ Come and get your love now ♪

Damn you. Fucking do this to me
every fucking year.

Get in that fucking hole
you fucking son of a bitch.

Frank?

Happy Memorial Day, gang.

Parade starts at noon, so we better
leave at eight so we get the best spot.

Good luck waking Kevin up.

I don't need luck.

Fire in the hole.

What was that? What the fuck!

What the fuck?!

Listen up.

Today's the kickoff to summer.

We're going to go
to the Memorial Day Parade

and have a great time
all together as a family.

Like we do every year.

You guys ready to have some fun?

- Yes.
- Good.

'Cause if either of you two boys
messes this day up for me

so help me God, I will fold these
chairs up with your heads still in them,

and put you right through
the fucking wall.

There she is.

Oh, we're gonna have a great time today,
Sue. Pure delight.

You don't have to force being happy
to cheer me up.

- I'm fine now.
- I'm not forcing anything.

I'm excited about today.

You love parades.

- You love parades.
- And I love you.

So, there you go. See? It's math.

That's not how the transitive property
in math works, Dad.

Shh.

Honey, it's a holiday. Take the day off.

Hey, Frank. Going to the parade?

You know it, pal.

Well, you have a good time.

Me and Evelyn are staying home.

Got to keep an eye
on the empty house next door.

Don't want any creeps busting into it
and you know...

defecating on the carpet or...
whacking off on a soap dish.

You're a great neighbor, Goom.

Into the car for fun!

That's our usual spot. Ah, it's perfect.

If anyone tries to take it,
point at them and yell,

"He touched me! He touched me!"

Believe you me,
they will move and they will move fast.

Ooh, wait, I almost forgot my flyers.

Honey, do you really need
to pass these out now?

Uh, yes, I do.

I have to get this product
off the ground before the baby comes.

Sweetheart, you've got lots of time.

You're going to be a huge success.

Today's a holiday.

Relax and... Hey!

You respect that flag
that's nailed to that fence.

Fuck you, old man!

Fuck me? Fuck you!

Get out of here, you little shit!

Huh. Thanks for the beer, dumb-ass.

Yeah! You better run from me!

All I'm saying is you need to relax, Sue.

Muah.

- Love your hat, princess.
- Thanks, Daddy.

Enjoy it while it lasts, princess.

When new baby comes, you'll be old news
just like the rest of us.

That's not true.

Yeah, it is.

This little dildo stole all my thunder.

I used to be the funny one.
And the princess.

Really?

Balloons, flags, Uncle Sam hats.

Get you patriotic bullshit made in Taiwan
by children without options.

That's Smokey.

Hey, Smokey!

Hey, Frank Murphy.

Flat ass but all class.

Frank motherfucking Murphy.

Man, I heard you was dead.

Sue, this is my old boss, Smokey.

Nice to finally meet you.

Aw, you two lovebirds did stay together.

I'm so happy for y'all.

And guess what?
We're having a baby.

Oh, really?

Well, I got to go.

Balloons. Flags.

Welcome to the 48th annual
Rustvale Memorial Day Parade.

Oh, here we go, here we go.

Wave at me everyone.

Come on, happier.

Like you're enjoying yourselves.

I'm Jim Jeffords of Channel Nine,

home of your weather-and-sports-first
action news team.

And I'm your master of ceremonies.

Smokey Greenwood
ain't got no master.

Let's give a big salute
to the young fighting men

from our very own Quint Cities
army training station.

Go get them, fellas.

And here's the Rustland County
Veterans of Foreign Wars.

Aw.

God, I love this country.

I've seen war...

up close...

The ratings war!

Channel Nine, number three and climbing.

And here comes the float
from our own hometown Mohican Airways.

The new Mohican is led
by its new CEO, Brandy Dunbarton,

who wants you to know
that Mohican is back and safer than ever.

We've gone four months
without a single tarmac death.

Hey, how come Rosie gets to be
on the float and they didn't ask you?

Everyone look at our black guy.

He's happy and well-fed.

Motherfucker.

Here's our honorary grand marshal,

former heavyweight contender
Irish Mickey Ireland.

Hey, that's Irish Mickey!

Oh, shoot.

Oh, I've never seen so much blood.

I did.

When that guy blew up in front of me.

Three months ago, Bill. Shove it down.

- When I close my eyes...
- Hey!

I said that was never to be discussed.

Now shake it off
before I buy you a doll for Christmas.

Doing us proud, Mickey.

Oh, Frank, I'm happy to see you happy.

And I'm having a great time.

Of course you are.

We've got our health. We're all together.

It doesn't get any better than this.

Maureen!

Nancy got her braces caught
in a chain-link fence,

so Mr. Kanicky wants you to be on
the computer club float right now.

Really, Scott?

Yeah, come on. We can hop on the float at
George Lincoln Rockwell Boulevard.

Aw, can I be on the float?

Princess,
we're watching the parade as a family.

Frank, the computer club
means so much to her.

Please?

Okay, fine.

Thanks, Daddy.
Make sure you take a movie of me.

Mr. Moto-Cross away!

Oh, they grow up so fast.

Yup. And then they marry an asshole
that you have to pretend to like.

This seat is still saved,
get your eyes off it.

Frank, relax, everything's fine.

Here's the exquisite Henrietta Van Horne

and her new invention that some are
calling bigger than the Bible,

the Salad Tosser.

Muah, muah.

Thank you, Jim.

Aw, I can still smell me on you.

My wife is here.

Henrietta was awarded "Woman of the Year"
by the Van Horne Foundation.

She's truly an inspiration
to women everywhere.

I bought one for every room.

You're my hero.

That should have been me
spinning up there.

I cannot take this anymore.
I am going to go pass out my flyers.

Now, honey, you just said
you were having fun.

So, relax.

It's okay. The plan for today was...

Can you please stop talking to me
like I just attempted suicide?

- I'm not talking to you like...
- Yes, you are!

"Just relax." "Just have fun."

I am relaxed, and I am having fun, okay?

How would you like to hear about
a new and exciting kitchen product?

Thank God.

The crazy pregnant lady's gone.

Hey! Show some respect.

That crazy pregnant lady's your mother.

I'm gonna go find Bolo.

You're going to need to find a new family
if you leave your post.

Now slide over so we can hold
your mother's spot.

Jesus, what's your problem?

I'm looking at it. Now shut up
and sit the fuck down.

Still saved.

I'm so proud of you, Quincy.

My little computer man.

Mama works hard for you.

Real hard.

Thank you, Mommy.

I told you, baby.

Mama don't kiss on the mouth.

Suck jobs. Honor our war dead
with a suck job.

Here I am, Mr. Kanicky.

Ah, Maureen. I've got a very special spot
for you in the office of the future.

Ready?

I sure am. Put me up front and center.

Here you go.

Space secretary?

The job of the future for smart non-men...

and genetically enhanced dolphins.

But no one will see me.

Not with this on, they won't.

Secretary in Space!

And we honor those who made
the ultimate sacrifice for our country.

All gave some. But some gave all.

Who doesn't love the whimsy of the circus.

The clowns. The popcorn.

For God's sake.

How am I supposed to go from dead soldiers

to the fucking whimsy
of the fucking circus?

Uh...

Here are the delightful elephants
from the Diddling Brothers Circus.

Hey, I know that shit shoveler.

What's wrong with you, Goliath?
You've been stopping all day.

This isn't playtime. Move it.

Easy big fella.

Ah!

Free shit.

Tell the ambulance driver I'm AB-negative.

It's very rare.

Let me introduce you to a new invention
that will revolutionize kitchenware.

This is the Salad Tosser.

I already own three of them.

Oh, no. No. It's the Carrot Crisper.

It's completely different.

And anyway, I invented the Salad Tosser.

Everyone knows that was
the great Henrietta Van Horne.

And you should spend less time
begging for money and work on your figure.

I'm not fat, I'm pregnant.

Women die having babies at your age.

Hide your shame.

Hey, my Murphitos.

Hey, Vic.

This is crazy.
Everyone came out to watch me jog.

It's a parade, Vic.

You've got to take up jogging, Frank.
It's helping me stay clean.

You got to keep running.
The demons are gaining on me.

I guess you must have a lot of time on
your hands now that you lost your job.

Ooh, must be tough, huh?

Yeah, it's hard. They paid me to go away

so now I've got
a five-year lump sum severance package

and I don't know what to do with it.

I've just got piles of money lying around.

I went to Vegas to try to lose some of it,
but I even won more.

A lady of the night refused payment.
She just wanted to smell my T-shirt.

So, yeah, it's hard.

Why can't I just die in my sleep?

Great talking to you, Frank.

Oh, man. Vic is such a great guy.

He shot up his house.
Why would he do that?

You and me think alike, Bill.

Thanks for sticking with me.

You're a chip off the old block.

Dependable, loyal, fair-skinned.

Look at you. Getting a healthy sunburn.

It's starting to hurt, Dad.

Life hurts, son.

You know, I learned something
when your mom and me

went through our little troubles
back there.

Sometimes it's easy to fly off the handle
but hard to say what you really feel.

Bridget Fitzsimmons.

I'm glad you're my son.

- I'm really proud...
- I have to go to the bathroom.

What?! No. Don't leave your spot.

I'm sorry, Dad,
but I'm about to have diarrhea.

As your father, I'm telling you

- to make it stop.
- I can't. I'm starting to come out.

Suck it back in.

We're having a father-son moment,
you fucking ingrate.

Don't you even think of leaving.

Yes, mein Führer.

Whoop.

So, I'm back on the market again.

I haven't dated in years.

I guess you could say
I'm discounted for clearance.

Ginny? Ginny Throater.

Oh, fuck me.

Oh, hi Sue.

How are you holding up?

How do you think?

Greg's living an honest life now,
so I'm not allowed to complain.

Well, you won't have any complaints
with my new invention.

Does it vibrate?

- No.
- Aw.

It's called the Carrot Crisper.

Sue, can I be brutally honest?

I came here today for one reason.

To watch the parade and meet a man
who isn't repulsed by my kunker.

Is that so much to ask?

No, it isn't.

Sorry I bothered you.

Chin up, Sue. Life is beautiful.

Let's get them, girls.

Let's hear it for the Malcolm X
Shabazz High School Justice Warriors.

A hundred and fifty strong and proudly
dedicated to the struggle for equal...

I'm not reading the rest of this.

Hey, Kevin. Thirsty?

We brought soda.

A special kind of soda.

With something extra added to the soda.

Something that's not soda.

- Something from Russia.
- I get it.

Stop being so obvious.

Dad. Can I please go hang out
with Bolo and Lex?

- No.
- God, this is like a kidnapping.

You're my property, Kevin.
I'll stuff you in the trunk if I want to.

- Dad, come on.
- I'll come on you.

It's cool, Mr. Murphy.
We'll help you save the chairs.

Thank you. Why can't you be
more like your friends, Kevin?

That's the green death.

Ah.

The blessings of Christ on you.

Oop.

Murphy! I told you to stay away
from my sister, you goddamn turd fucker.

James! Language.

Sorry, Father.

Gosh darn, turd fucker.

The carrots are whirled to crispness
by this amazing...

Ma'am, have you been handing
these flyers out along the parade?

Uh, yes.

I'm afraid I have to write you a ticket.

What?! I don't need a vendor's permit.
I'm not selling anything.

That's very clear.

I'm giving you
a 100-dollar fine for littering.

A hundred dollars?

That's a semester of college.

I love soda.

God help this generation.

Here comes the Rustland Air Force Base
Fighting 49th.

The Air Force!

What a beautiful sight.

After bravely fighting the fight

those quitters in Washington
wouldn't let them finish,

these sky warriors have returned
with honor, valor,

and a tenacious strain of gonorrhea.

You stand up
and show these men some respect.

When are you guys going to win one?

You're a fucking embarrassment,
you know that? Get out!

Yes! We've been paroled.

This will be my summer of freedom.

Ow, my dick!

Here comes the computer club.

They're out of this world
in their space office.

Let's hear it
for these future astronauts...

or computer technicians.
This float confuses me.

Is someone sitting here?

Yes! Goddamn it, back off.

These chairs are all mine.

Fucking draft dodgers.

Hi, Scotty.

Say hi to Mommy.

- Hey!
- We're so proud of you.

No one can see me back here.

Screw this!

- Maureen, no, you'll die in space!
- I don't care.

She's broken the air lock.

We're all going to die!

Maureen, be a good girl.

Get off of the space station
and go back to your satellite.

I hate this parade,

and this isn't even
a real computer anyway,

it's a stupid refrigerator box.

Hey!

Nice going, Maureen.

You just kicked a boy in a wheelchair.

It's okay. I didn't feel it.

Hey! That's mine.

Daddy, point the camera at me.
I'm right here.

You gave up your spot.

The hell I did. It's mine.

Fucking kid.
- Give it.

You can't do this to me.

I'm sorry, but I have to enforce the law.

If I ignored the little things,
where would we be?

Suck jobs.

Ah!

Jimmy Fitzsimmons!

Oh, shit.

Goddammit, let go.

Give it! My dad's a cop.

My dad's an asshole. Fuck off!

Ow!

Oh, Jesus.

Daddy!

Holy shit.

Hang on, Jeffrey.

So cold.

How was reform school, you little thief?

Uh, it was all right.

You steal from me again,
I'll chase you down.

I got a new wooden leg.

A negro leg.

Bridget.

I warned you
to stay away from her, Murphy.

Ow!

What the fuck are you doing to my son?

He gave me a beer and then he touched me.

It wasn't sexual.
I was just trying to hurt him.

I tell you I can't win.

Everyone's going out of their way
to ruin my Memorial Day.

All I wanted to do was start off my summer
with my family by watching a parade.

Are they here or did you open
your fat mouth and scare them off too?

They're here. There's my wife.

- This is police brutality.
- My daughter's on that float.

That's my son.

Get off of him!

And that's my other son.

He's resting.

Look at this man.

Do you see the pain, the shame?

Daddy's not going to arrest him.

'Cause there's nothing a jail cell
could do to him

that he hasn't already done to himself.

His life is his prison.

Jeffrey, people like that
need to be eliminated.

Son, how about you and me
get some ice cream, huh?

Enjoy your chairs.

They're as empty as your life.

Ha!

Ow.

Fucking sun.

Ooh, are you okay?

I can feel the heat
coming off of your body from here.

I'll be fine.

It'll hurt like hell for a week.

I'll have fun peeling it off

and then I have a nice base
for the rest of the summer.

Christ, now this one hates me too?

What's got into him?

Frank, he's just being protective
'cause I'm pregnant.

I hate to waste one of my
best socks but...

Go on, boy, go get that sock.

You go get that sock. You get that sock.

Stupid maniac.

I think we need to talk about
what happened today.

What do you mean what happened today,
we had fun at a parade.

You fought a nine year old...
whose father is a cop.

I didn't know that.

I thought I was just fighting
a regular nine year old.

Frank, come on.

You were out of sorts all day
and I wasn't in much better shape.

If we learned anything
from all that hell we went through,

it's we have to communicate.

I want you to tell me the truth.

Does this have anything to do
with the baby coming?

No.

Why would I be upset
about the baby coming?

When I told you I was pregnant,
you put your fist through the wall.

I was looking for a stud so I could
hang a picture of how happy I was.

- That's ridiculous.
- So is having a kid at 40.

Okay, it was a bit of a shock at first,
but I'm fine now.

We'd just got our marriage back and we had
all these things we were going to do.

We'll still do them.

Ah, you'll come up
with a great new product...

whatever it is,
and I'll get those flight lessons someday.

- We've got plenty of time.
- I guess you're right.

One more baby's not going to
knock us off our stride.

We're veterans at this.

They should have a parade for us.

We've already done this three times
and nobody's died...

- for very long.
- Yeah.

- We brought him back.
- We did bring him back.

And the kids are practically grown now.

They can take care of themselves.

This summer is for taking the time to do
what we want to do. Right?

- Sure.
- So, you're not worried.

No! No, not anymore. I feel great now.

Good. Me too.

- Good night.
- Good night.

Ow. Ow, ow, ow, ow.

♪ Well, you say you got the blues ♪

♪ You got holes in both of your shoes ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ You're feeling alone and confused ♪

♪ You got to keep on smiling ♪

♪ Just keep on smiling ♪

♪ Yeah, you're ♪

♪ You're about to go insane ♪

♪ 'Cause your woman's playing games ♪

♪ And she says that you're to blame ♪

♪ You try to keep on smiling... ♪

Come on, Sue. You can do it.

You're going to finish this.
Come up with a new invention.

Go back to college.

Damn it.

There's no time.

God damn it!

I never finish anything.

Oh, boy.

♪ Keep on smiling through the rain ♪

♪ Laughing at the pain ♪

♪ Rolling with the changes ♪

♪ And singing this refrain ♪

♪ Singing in a honky tonk cafe ♪

♪ Nobody's hearing what you play ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ They're too busy drinking anyway ♪

♪ You got to keep on smiling ♪

♪ Brother, keep on smiling ♪

♪ You say you found a piece of land ♪