F Is for Family (2015–…): Season 2, Episode 5 - Breaking Bill - full transcript

God damn it!

Get out of the way,
you happy-go-lucky son of a bitch!

What?

- Here's your Sunday paper, sir.
- It's Sunday?

Holy shit.
I was supposed to help negotiate

with the North Vietnamese yesterday.

Well, let's see how it all went.

- Ouch.
- I'm also collecting.

You owe The Chronicle
Journal Record $13.35.

Look, kid, I don't have
any cash on me right now.

- I'll get you next week.
- That's what you said last week.



And I'm saying it this week!

- But...
- I don't have it, you little shit!

Oh, you have it. Why don't you
just pay my son what you owe him?

- Or else what?
- I don't know.

Maybe I'll just wrap
this thing around your fucking head.

Let's see some hustle, ladies!

Thanks for helping
me with that guy, dad.

Eh, it was nothing.
Those rich guys are soft.

But you don't want to try that shit
downtown. That's how you lose an ear.

Kevin, hurry it up!

Christ, you go any slower, it'll be time
to deliver tomorrow's paper.

Hang on!

- Chopper's leaving!
- Son of a bitch!

Wait up!



Why can't you slow down?
I'm an artist, not an athlete.

Well, then,
find a creative way to keep up.

Ow!

Why do I have to do this anyway?
It's not my stupid route.

Because I'm trying to instill
a work ethic in you.

You should be more like
your little brother.

If every kid was like him,
I would've had seven.

He's contributing to the family.

'Cause his head isn't
in the clouds. He's got...

Shut the fuck up!
My song's coming on!

Time for the KWOCK 109.5...
# Weather! #

Yes! Immortality!

You're gonna feel
mortal when you're living

on a park bench, fighting off squirrels.

Playing music is a hobby, not a job.

You're so dense.
You just don't get it.

Ow! My brain!

Guess I can't drive because I'm dense.

Dad!

Holy shit!

- Kevin? Are you all right?
- I just met Jimi Hendrix.

He told me to return to you mortals.

Oh, you mean that drug addict
who fucked up the national anthem?

Maybe he can drive you home.

Come on, Dad!
Stop it! Ah!

♪ Come and get your love ♪

♪ Come and get your love ♪

♪ Come and get your love ♪

♪ Come and get your love ♪

♪ Come and get your love
Come and get your love ♪

♪ Come and get your love now ♪

♪ Come and get your love
Come and get your love ♪

♪ Come and get your love now ♪

♪ Come and get your love
Come and get your love ♪

♪ Come and get your love now ♪

♪ Come and get your love
Come and get your love ♪

♪ Come and get your love now ♪

Okay.
One, two, three.

This old tub is just what I need
for my invention.

Thanks for your help, boys.
You can run along home.

I'm sure your parents are
wondering where you are.

Nah. The blue man with the gun, he came

- and took them to the people zoo.
- Granny's with us now.

But she's taking
a nap at the bottom of the staircase.

Uh-oh, Maureen,
your mean old grandpa's home!

He don't like us!

Get out of here, you toothless monkeys!

- Got to get out!
- Get out!

Mom, I got enough money
for my hockey stick!

That's great, honey!

Yeah, because now you'll finally
shut up about it!

You shut up!

Well, if it isn't guitar god Kevin Murphy!

Hey, Vic.
You put your lizard on a leash?

That's so cool.

It's only fair.
This one's got my lizard on a leash.

- Hey, come on now.
- Oh!

Oh, for Christ's sake, Vic,
even God rested on Sunday.

Let's go in. Eyes front.

I got your flyer, Kevin!
Congratu-lotto on the gig tomorrow!

- Thanks, Vic!
- Don't forget old Vic

when you're playing concerts on the Moon!

I won't!

Hey, your thing looks good.
Your... salad killer?

Salad tosser.
I'm pitching it tomorrow.

I'm taking a risk,
but if they go for it,

this could be a really big deal for me.

The real thing will be smaller,
but I'll use this prototype

to demonstrate how centrifugal
force can spin lettuce dry.

What the hell?

- I relly think it could revolutionize...
- Did you see this?!

Yeah. Isn't it nice?
Kevin made it himself.

He's playing a show on a school night?

With his grades?
"Paradise Pavilion?"

Sounds like a Korean whore house!

Frank, calm down.
It's just one show.

They only have two songs.
It'll be 20 minutes.

Followed by a lifetime
of standing in a bread line.

It's that fucking Vic's fault.

If he hadn't put his song on the radio,
none of this would've happened.

You know Kevin.

If you yell at him about this,
it will only make him want to do it more.

Oh, I'm not gonna yell at Kevin.

Fucking guy.
I'll teach him a thing or two.

- Hello.
- Oh, hello.

Is Vic... Vic around?

He's, um... he's busy right now.

Come on in, Frank!

I'll be with you in a minute.

I'm drowning a brown clown down
in splash town!

Make yourself at home.

Okay. Thank you.

Eh...

What the hell?

Whoa!

It's a Swedish water couch.

The prime minister of some country
made it for Vic.

Of course he did.

Frank-o American-o!

Cutie Pie, remind me, did I drink
another bottle of ketchup last night

or do I need to go to the hospital?

Would you go up to the bathroom
and take a look for me?

Again?

Ain't she something, Frank?
I think she's the one.

She makes me think about
getting a car with four doors

and filling it up with little ones,
using spoons for cereal.

You know, settling down.

Congratulations.

I want to talk to you about
all this encouragement

you've been giving Kevin lately.

He's a good kid, Frank.

Helping Kevin makes me feel like I'm
making positive contribution to society.

Yeah, well, I need you to knock it off!

Why, Frank? I love being a role model.

Our journey to stardom
begins tomorrow, Bolo.

So you better get someone
to feed your turtle

'cause we're gonna be on tour for years.

That fucking dick.

Vic, please, you got to stop
encouraging him!

He's neglecting his school work
for a one in a zillion chance!

A man's got to reach for the stars.

Ah! Jesus! Stop reaching!

Not everybody just gets
to waltz through life the way you do!

Kevin is failing every subject
in school right now!

That's happened to many great musicians.

He's failing music!

Please, just leave my son alone

and stop filling his head full of dreams
that'll never come true!

Thanks for believing in me, Dad!

Oh, I only want what's best for you.

You gotta be realistic, Kevin.

How many stars are there?

- Billions!
- Not in the sky, you dope!

In the neighborhood!

You got to be realistic, son.

Face it, no matter how hard you try,
the odds are against you.

You're never gonna be a pilot...

Shit. Rock star!

Fuck off, old man!

Watch your mouth.
I forbid you from doing that show!

- What?!
- You heard me.

As long as you live under my house,
you will follow my rules.

I hate you!

I wish I was never born!

We finally agree on something!

You're just killing my dream
'cause you never got to do yours!

And whose fault was that?!

I will never...

ever give you backstage passes!

Agh!

♪ When youth was young... ♪

♪ From spring to fall ♪

♪ And now to winter... ♪

♪ It's at an end ♪

♪ It was a pleasure ♪

Can you imagine being a pilot?

Up there all alone,
just you and the clouds. Your own boss.

Oh, it's beautiful.

You know what's beautiful?
This pork shoulder sandwich.

Wow, I wish I could eat like you, Pogo.
Where does it all go?

I've been blessed with genetics, Frank.

I've got the metabolism of a cheetah.

You're lucky, Pogo.

I got to work like hell
to keep the pounds off.

Sue likes me skinny.

I'm gonna give her this locket tonight.

It's the anniversary of our first date.

That's nice.

That thing must have cost you a fortune.

I worked like hell to save for it.

Air National Guard, here on the weekends.

It'll all be worth it when I'm a pilot.

Then me and Sue will have it all.

My old man thinks I'm a fool
to want to be a pilot.

He's such a dick!

What's your dream, Bob?

My dream is to someday have
a desk to call my own.

With a chair with wheels on it.

I swear, if I ever get an office job,
I'll never leave that desk.

Never ever.

Bob, I think you're gonna be
a big man around here someday.

And you'll be in one of those planes
getting ready to take off.

You can take off now, Frank.

You put in a good 12 hours
of back-to-back snack jacking.

Thanks, Smokey. I love this job.

And I'll take every extra shift
I can get my hands on.

You want it? You got it.

You know something?

You remind me of my son.

He came out albino, so we shunned him.

Sold him off to the circus.

We didn't know no better!

That's what you did back then! Oh, God!

Being a father is about
making tough decisions.

To this day, I never spent that 75 bucks

that ringmaster gave me,
in case he came back.

Tell me, Frank Murphy, is your name Larry?

Huh?

Is your name Larry, Frank Murphy?
Tell me your name is Larry!

Smokey, I wish it was.

All right, Frank. You go on home now.

And hug them normal-skinned kids tight!

That was "Nodding Off"
by the Heavy Lids.

It's 5:53 a.m.
and you're listening

to Warm Milk with Warren
on W.E.E.Z.E.: "The Wheeze".

Shit!

Hey, Dad!

Hey, son!
You're making me proud!

♪ I am a rock god! ♪

Hit the books!

♪ And you're a fucking dildo ♪

Oh, shit.

Good morning to you too.

- Today's your big pitch, huh?
- Yep.

I rehearsed it all night in the mirror
and I think I've got it down.

I'm gonna bide my time,
wait for the perfect moment, and then...

Oh...

Thanks for listening.

Love you, Frank.

I love you too, Smokey.

Let's get to that store before
all the Jacques Dupuis sticks are gone!

I can't wait to use that baby in tryouts.

And I'll cheer you on
safely behind the glass.

Oh, look! It's Billy bitch-tits
and his Pumpkin-headed pussy.

My name's Phillip.

Leave us alone, you monkey-eared asshole!

Oh, now you asked for it, queef machine.

Ow! Ow!

Quit it! Stop!

- Phillip!
- The king will slap his subject.

Ow! Ow!

Well, what have we here?

Hey, that's mine! I earned it!

And his lordship will take it from you!

Leave him alone or I will fucking eat you!

Oh, man! Oh, man!
Oh, man!

- You okay, Red?
- Yeah.

Why the fuck didn't you help him?

Mother says, "Violence begets violence."

Your mother's an asshole.

Don't ever let me catch you
doing that shit again.

Thanks, Randy.

Anything for you, kid.

Us newsies gotta stick together.

There's always a Jehovah's Witness
around the corner, looking to fuck you up.

Could I borrow ten dollars from you
until next collection day?

What, so that fucking lesbian
can take it from you again?

But I need to get this hockey stick.
Tryouts are tomorrow.

Not my problem, Red.

It's a dog-eat-dog world.

So, you better start eating!

What the fuck does that mean?

Usually, when you put butter on a muffin,

it runs off the sides
and gets on the table.

But with
the "Triple Tiered Muffin Holder,"

the butter simply drips down onto
the next level of muffins and beyond.

It's like a champagne tree,
except for butter!

Why don't you cut the muffin in half
like everyone else?

Why don't you go fuck yourself?

Well, we certainly
didn't save the best for last.

I'm gonna go see which of my guns
fits best in my mouth.

Excuse me, Tracy.

I know I'm just the secretary, but...
I have an idea I'd like to pitch.

I'd like to pitch her idea.

I'm curious, Gene, do you use that mouth
when you kiss another man's penis?

Yeah!

You sure got me!

That's what your wife says
when the postman puts it in her hiney.

I'm gonna call you Heart Disease
because you're killing me!

Yeah!

Go ahead, Sue. Wow us.

Every day, housewives deal
with the problem of soggy lettuce.

It can make any salad a gushy,
sopping, dripping, wet mess.

What, am I that predictable?
She's got me hooked.

So... I came up with
The Salad Tosser.

Dad?

Dad.

Can you make me dinner?
It's 5:00.

Shit!

Daddy, can we go out
and get ice cream for supper?

No. Daddy's got to go to work soon.

You want ice cream,
go to your friend's house and look sad.

That's the face.
You might get two scoops with that mug.

Prisoner 3471,
reporting for solitary confinement.

- Guilty of the crime of dreaming!
- Don't spoil your dinner.

You're not the boss of my stomach!
My mouth is!

Dick!

Everything okay, Daddy?

Princess, when you grow up,
you can be anything you want.

Just not Kevin.

Or a golfer.

How much of your money did Jimmy take?

I only have eleven dollars left.

Now I have to buy a cheaper stick.

What the hell?! The price went up!

And I can't even afford
the shitty one now.

Maybe it's a clerical error.

No mistake.

That's inflation for you.

I really need that stick, sir.

Tryouts are tomorrow.

I had the money.
I worked hard for it, but I got mugged.

And I lost a leg between a station wagon
and a Dumpster,

and they gave me an artificial leg made
for a woman.

But you don't hear me complaining
about it.

Well, you seem to be voicing displeasure.

Please, sir!

Are you crying?

Well, maybe you should go out
for field hockey, you little pussy!

Fuck this! I earned it.

Phillip, ask that guy to show you
something in the back of the store.

I'm taking that stick.

But that's against the law.

Do it.

Okay.

Excuse me. Could you show me
where a man could find a shuttlecock?

Huh. That figures.

- Where do you think you're going?
- Ah!

He saw through my charade!

You're in a lot of trouble, bucko.

Please don't call my parents.

That's exactly what I'm gonna do,
you little degenerate.

What's your name?

Out with it! What's your name?

Jimmy.
Jimmy Fitzsimmons.

Well, Jimmy Fitzsimmons,

that's the first honest thing
you've done all day, you little mick.

What's your phone number, Jimmy...

Holy shit, Phillip!
Why did you do that?

- I don't want Randy to eat me!
- Let's get out of here!

Oh, my God.

Holy shit.
I told him I was Jimmy.

When he finds out, I'm so dead.

- I got your name, Fitzsimmons!
- Ah!

So, thanks to centrifugal force,

your wife will never have
soggy lettuce again.

You can "leaf" the drying
to The Salad Tosser.

Thank you.

Huh.
Interesting, Sue.

Drying lettuce.

Could be a whole new market.
Does it work?

Yes! And I built a prototype.
I-I have it here.

May I present the handy-dandy,

easy to use, housewife's best friend...

The Salad Tosser!

Uh...

It's a tad big, don't you think?

Well, obviously, the finished
product would be much smaller.

It looks like a washing machine
on a Lazy Susan.

Well, yes, that's what the prototype is,
but it...

- It's not even made of plastic.
- Again, it's a prototype.

Look, let me demonstrate.

I don't want to have to ride
a bike every time I make a salad.

It's a prototype!

See, like a washing machine...

- Ah, my tie!
- What the fuck?

Jesus!

- Lazy Susan? More like Crazy Susan!
- Crazy Susan!

What a piece of shit!

I don't want to laugh in your face.
Turn around!

- Where the hell have you been?
- Nowhere!

What? Dinner's ready.

- Oh, okay.
- Hey. What do you got there?

All right, you bought that stick
you been saving for. Good for you.

I'll take you to those tryouts tomorrow.

That thing you feel inside
is called pride.

Every time you pick up that stick,

you'll have that same sense
of accomplishment that only comes

from knowing that you earned it.

I'll be right back. I got to go feed
my prisoner in the dungeon.

Hey, Mozart. It's the warden.

Even though you hate me,
I still want you to eat.

Open the door.

Come on. I got you extra meatballs
for good behavior.

Where are you? Kevin? For Christ's sakes!

Out of the Gulag, into the spotlight!

Get the fuck back here! I forbid you!

My dreams are not forbidable!

You lying little shit!

I learned it from the best!

You come back here!

I'll put you and your smart mouth
through that fucking wall!

Do you know what your son did?

Jesus, Frank.

He openly defied my authority
and went to that show.

That's exactly what I said would happen
if you pushed him too much.

Well, we're gonna go right down
to that seedy concert hall

and yank his ass right off that stage!

Frank, I've had a horrible day.

They shot my proposal down,
thank you for asking,

and now I have to come home to my husband
throwing meatballs at my oldest son

in front of the entire
fucking neighborhood!

Frank Murphy, you go down there
and you get your son.

Aw, you don't tell me what to do!

I'll get him!

There's my only living son.

You stay good, Bill.

I failed your brother,
but you're turning out great.

Oh. Be right back!

Why do they all run from me?

Bill, come back!

What are you doing?

I have to bury this fucking thing!

I stole, Phillip! Jimmy's gonna kill me!

I beat a cripple!

And it made my pee-pee feel good!

St. Leonard, patron saint of criminals,
horses and women in labor,

please hear my prayer.

Save us from...

No, Dad, no!

You thieving little shit!

- Stealing hockey sticks now?
- It wasn't me!

I fashion my own sticks!

Yeah, it's never you!
It's never you!

You told him your name!

Maybe Catholic military school
will finally straighten you out!

No! No! No!

No! No! No!

Poor Jimmy.

Fuck Jimmy. He's gone.
We're free!

Yeah, you think you can escape me
'cause you're wearing a cape?

Is that what you think? You don't know
who you're dealing with! Move it!

We are Merlin's Monocle!

- Who?
- Marlin died!

Oh, Kevin.

- Hey, that's my kid up there.
- She's a real looker.

Thanks for getting us the gig,
Bubbe Esther.

What?

Okay, I guess that's it.
Thank you.

Oh, fuck me.

How much shit am I in?

Well, I was planning on grounding you,
but after seeing the end

of your show, I think you
might've been punished enough.

Nobody came to see us.
And I drew five thousand flyers!

This isn't how I dreamed it would be.

That's why they're called dreams.

- Because they're not real. Right?
- Yeah.

You see now why I'm harping
on you to study in school?

- Why you got to be realistic?
- I guess. You're right.

So, you know, you did your best,
you tried hard and you failed.

And there's no shame in striking out.

It's a good thing you learned
that music won't get you anywhere now.

There's still time
to turn your life around.

You'll hit the books,
we'll get you a tutor.

We'll even get you those eyeglasses
you keep saying you need.

- And you'll be on your way to...
- Oh, my God, you guys rocked!

- Really?
- Really?

I'm so glad I came to visit my grandpa

- because your show was bitchin'!
- Thanks. We were okay.

I screwed up
the last ten minutes of my solo.

- Uh... Dad, can you...
- Agh...

It's fine.
Go home after this.

- I got to go to work.
- Okay.

Hey, I don't know if you're interested,
but I cut hair at my house.

Want to come over sometime for a haircut?

That'd be cool. Or whatever.

Thank you so much!

- Come over Thursday after school.
- Okay.

- Who's that chick?
- That was Haircut Girl.

- No way.
- She exists!

And my cherry shall be busted!

We have cherries?

- We're famous!
- We got our first groupie!

This is just the beginning, guys!
Nowhere but up from here!

- Oh, yeah!
- All right! Yeah!

Another fucking night.

♪ I like my life
I've lived it all ♪

♪ From spring to fall
And now to winter ♪

♪ I ran a normal race ♪

- Ah, shit!
- # Stood for what I thought #

♪ And then I fought
For love and treasure ♪

♪ And though it's at an end ♪

♪ It's at an end ♪

♪ It was a pleasure ♪

♪ But years ago
When youth was young and mine ♪

♪ My happy, carefree days
They flowed like vintage wine ♪

♪ My golden oyster ♪

♪ It was all the world ♪

♪ And me, I shucked it for its pearls ♪