F Is for Family (2015–…): Season 2, Episode 6 - This Is Not Good - full transcript

Come on, it's almost 7:00.
Hurry it up.

Let's go, chop-chop.

- Hey!
- Ah!

- Since when do you read?
- Since when do you care?

Since I'm your father and I'll put
you through that fucking wall!

- Move your ass! You're gonna be late!
- But Dad!

But nothing!

Oh, sorry, Princess. I
thought you were Bill.

What the hell is going on?

Well, the kids are gonna
be late for school

and apparently I'm the only
one around here who cares.



- Frank, the kids are off today.
- I tried to tell you.

They're off?

Oh, man, I was actually
gonna go for once.

Why the hell don't they have school?

The teachers are in Atlantic
City learning the metric system.

Metric system?

We declare war on people
who use the metric system.

What's next? They're gonna make
us use chopsticks to eat soup?

There's too much tension in this house!

If you don't like it, go back under it!

- Fine, I will!
- Then good!

Dick!

Frank! You're scaring the dog.

All these extra shifts you're working



have made you even more
agitated than usual.

- Honey, rest up today.
- I can't.

Smokey offered me half a
morning shift and I took it.

I got to head in there now.

What?!

You promised you'd stay
home with the kids.

They'll be fine.

Just lock them in, throw a can of tuna
on the couch and see which one survives.

I got to go. Be home by noon.

But, Dad, you said you'd take
me to hockey tryouts at 10:30.

Ah, Jeez. I can't.

Ride over there on your bike!
It'll toughen you up!

You have to take me to
Honeybee Scouts at 1:30.

Christ, how many kids do we have?!

Back in the old days, the
good Lord had the decency

to take one or two out with
polio, or get mauled by a bear,

something to help out!

Jeez!

He'll be back to take you.

Frank, working all these
extra shifts is killing you.

You're cranky, you're not sleeping.

Don't exaggerate! I got
a whole hour of sleep.

That's one more than I got my
whole time fighting the Koreans.

Sneaky fucks.

I don't know. This is not good.

You can't make big decisions
like this without talking to me.

We're a team, Frank.

And I need you now more than ever,

especially after I humiliated
myself at work the other day.

You're the only person
I can turn to and...

Frank!

Where are the others?

Fine! Work yourself to death.
See if I care.

Jesus Christ, Sue, get off my ass!

What? You want me to quit?

Let the family go hungry?

There's no cereal!

Fry a goddamn egg!

There's no eggs either!

Then eat your shitty attitude!

- Dad!
- Bill!

- Frank!
- Sue!

- "Sue!"
- Kevin!

- Mom!
- Kevin.

- "Kevin."
- Frank!

Hey, guys! Saying each other's names?

Goomer.

Ah!

Frank Murphy, saved my ass again.
Boy, you keep up like this,

and you can get your own truck.
On the west side!

That's the white neighborhood.
Big Twinkies, tiny rubbers.

Thanks, Smokey.

You take Freddy's truck today.

She's got a couple of
bullet holes in her,

boy got a dick in his mouth, but
he got some nice titties, though.

Here's your route.

Ah, shit, the airport?

Try not to let that bother you.

I felt the same way the first time I
restocked the machines at the jail.

Hey, I didn't know you were a guard.

Frank Murphy, you are so fucking white.

Hello, future me and rock historians.

Today, February 21, 1974,

will be my last day as what we,
in this time, call a virgin.

This is like Christmas Eve for my dick.

Haircut Girl, you will
claim my squire-hood in...

six hours?!

Oh, shit!

Oh, man. I can't wait that long.

I must use this time productively.

Shit!

Jacques. Today, you and me
are gonna make history.

Here I go.

Whoa. Whoa.

No! No! No!

No!

God damn it!

It's not fair! I quit!

- Bill, are you all right?
- No!

I broke my stick because my fucking
dad can't take me to tryouts.

That must hurt.

Your dad's your hero.

The one who reads you Bible stories,
tousles your hair and says, "Attaboy."

My dad calls me a pussy and asked
God to give one of us polio.

You know what? Fuck it.

Fuck the whole thing. Let's
get something to eat.

My dad already made
me "Wuv You Waffles,"

but I'm happy to keep you company.

Jesus, Scoop!

"Finders keepers" doesn't
apply to lost children!

You're intimidated
by my leadership skills.

I see everything!

Fucking immigrants!

The nuns are gonna let us
film in one of their classrooms,

but I told them the movie's
called "Duck School."

Bring some ducks, just in case.
We can use them either way.

Ah!

What the hell are you doing here?

Back off, Bob. Just trying to do my job.

I don't want any trouble.

Well, you found trouble.

You've got a lot of nerve coming
back here, you fucking turncoat.

Why did you leave me, Frank?!

Why did you leave me?!

You fired me!

You could've just given
her the goddamn pen!

It was only a pen!

But you signed my death warrant with it!

Bob, Bob, get a grip.
It can't be that bad.

It's a living nightmare.

Look at that six-foot, two-inch toddler
Dunbarton expects me to babysit!

He sorts luggage by race!

My blood pressure is spiking!

And thanks to this crash diet I'm on,

I've passed enough kidney stones
to fill the bottom of a fish tank.

Oh, God.

God, relax, Bob, relax.

Easy for you to say, you're out of here.

I'm stuck with that.

Go back to Africa!

He calls it "suitcase pasghetti!"

God!

You have my sympathy, Bob.

Even you don't deserve this.

Thank you.

You're a good man.

We used to be friends, right?

Good friends.

Sure.

Look, I better get going.

I got a truck full of candy
and cigarettes waiting on me.

Candy?

Cigarettes?

Waiting?

Hey, Sue, I was wondering if you
could help me with a little problem.

- Sure, Dana, what is it?
- There's this airhead in the office

who's been pitching really terrible
ideas. Oh, wait! That was you.

Very funny.

Dana, don't talk to Sue like that.

You have to speak slower.

Sue, my office, please.

Don't worry, Vivian, I'll never
pitch another stupid product again.

- Sue...
- I know I'm just a secretary.

- Sue...
- And I tossed my sketches in the trash!

Yes, and thank God I saw them in there

when I was throwing out the
birthday card my father sent me.

That Japanese bitch he married
probably picked it out.

Wait. You liked my idea?

I loved it.

Your Salad Tosser is a
one-in-a-million product.

I haven't seen anything this great since
those corn skewers shaped like corn.

- You think so?
- I want to go over Tracy's head

and take your idea straight
to Henrietta Van Horne.

Mrs. Plast-A-Ware?

None other. Are you with me?

Yes! Definitely!

Great. I'll make some calls.

Meet me in the ladies room in an hour.

In the meantime, we have
to keep this a secret

- and act like nothing has changed.
- Of course.

So, go back out there

and pretend like you hate every living
second you spend in this building.

I think I can do that.

- It's something you have in your house.
- Refrigerator. Sofa. TV.

You sleep with it.

- Husband.
- Major, no!

That's my Honeybee project.
Here, have some ice cream.

- Hot water bottle.
- You sleep with it!

I'm sorry. The Buzzword was "shotgun."

- You just blew ten grand, you dizzy...
- ...broad.

Everything sucks today. You
want to finish my omelet?

No thanks. Egg products
give me the stinkies.

- Where's that waitress with our check?
- I don't know.

Perhaps she's marrying
the ketchup bottles.

- Hey. Let's go.
- Without paying?

- That's against the rules!
- Who are you, my dad?

Screw him and screw the rules.

I'm tired of being good.
Where's that ever gotten me?

At breakfast with a dear friend?

You can stick around if you want,

but I'm leaving and I'm not paying.

I feel dirty!

Ah!

Oh, yeah. Oh.

Oh, this old chocolate bar tastes
like shit, but it is so good!

Oh, man... if they hadn't removed the
nipple that grew inside my cheek,

it'd be hard as a rock.

Bob, you can have the whole box of
stales, but I got to finish my route.

- I promised Sue I'd be home by noon.
- Sure, sure.

Oh, God.

Bob Pogo!

Where are you, you
incompetent water buffalo?

Aw, Christ. It's Dunbarton.

Why in the fuck did you tell my nephew
to throw suitcases into a jet engine?

Frank, get me out of here
until things calm down!

- What?
- I can't defend myself

against that kind of crazy!
Please! Drive!

- Bob, I...
- Go! Go! Go! Go!

Okay! Okay! Hang onto something!

Two and a half hours.

Almost enough time to calmly prepare
for my life to change forever.

Just relax and meet your destiny.

Yes, but of course I have a condom.

Is this what you're looking for?

Latex, my dear?

You like that? Am I doing it right?

Oh, yeah, baby.

That's right, we're doing this.

Oh, yeah, yeah, you're welcome.
You're welcome. You're welcome.

That burns my dick.

Pogo, if you hate working with
Scoop so much, why don't you quit?

I can't. My marriage wouldn't survive.

Dolores nursed me through five heart
attacks and three "tub stucks,"

but this one might break her.

- Get a job with another airline.
- Doing what?

My only skills are sitting behind a
desk and pissing in a coffee can.

You're the one who knows how
to run a baggage department.

What about Rosie?

Now's not the time for jokes, Frank.

I mean it, you could come back to
Mohican today and not miss a...

Frank, I've got a proposition for you.

Help me get rid of Scoop and I'll
make Dunbarton hire you back.

- Are you crazy?
- I'm desperate!

And Dunbarton is a businessman.

The airline is hemorrhaging
money, thanks to Scoop,

and he's too vain to
admit he made a mistake.

But if you stepped in to run things
the right way, even just for a day,

instead of that idiot, he'd see
the light and bring you back.

If it were humanly possible for me
to get down on my knees, I would.

Please, help me and help yourself.

Bob, if you had asked me two weeks
ago, I probably would have said yes.

But I got a job now
where I'm appreciated.

And I'm not under the thumb of a
miserable prick like Dunbarton

who humiliated me in front of my family!

So, thanks for the offer, but
my answer is no. Fuck no.

Now, if you'll excuse me, this high
school needs their cigarettes.

Okay, no one
can hear us in here.

I spoke to Nikos, my guy
down at the plastic plant.

He's got four fingers and he
still has his baby teeth,

but he can assemble us a
prototype on the sly.

But I already made a prototype.

We need a real prototype,
something made out of actual plastic.

We can't present the
founder of Plast-a-Ware

with a rusty washing machine.

- Okay, I'm in.
- Great.

Now, we have to move fast.

Nikos can only do it tonight,
and it's gonna cost us.

Three hundred bucks total.

You need to get me your
half by the end of the day.

Today? A hundred fifty?

I could have Frank bring what
I've got saved up at home,

but that's a whole lot of money.

Either that or you
give Nikos your dirty panties

and a Polaroid of your cooter.

I'll get the money!

Now to pay for my transmission.

You shouldn't have done that.
You had the money.

And now I still have the money.
That felt so good!

I have a full belly and $11.

And Christ, I have to take a piss.

This is Jimmy's old fort!

You can't pee on it. He'll haunt us.

He can't touch us. I made him disappear.

Forever.

Come on, feel the freedom.

Okay, but don't look at me.

I have a bashful bladder.

Oh, this is exhilarating!

I tinkle on your fort, Jimmy!

Whose grave we desecrating?

My God, Bob, what are you doing?

I'm making my feelings go away!

That's not the stales, you maniac!
You're eating my inventory!

I have to pay Smokey for
all those freshies!

Too bad, traitor!

You fuck me, then I'm gonna fuck you...
with my mouth!

You know what I mean!

Now I'm the one holding the key, Frank!

God damn it! Open this door! I
got to get home to my daughter!

Fuck your daughter!

You know what I mean!

Murphy residence. This is Maureen.

- I'm nine.
- Put your father on the phone.

I'm sorry.

My father can't come to the phone
right now. He's in the shower.

Maureen, it's Mommy.

Where the hell is Daddy?!

He didn't come home by noon?

No! I'm all alone here! And he's
supposed to take me to Honeybee Scouts

and I called your office and a
mean man named Gene answered

and he said he'd like
to talk to my mother.

What does that mean?

Honey, I'm sorry your dad's not there.

I'd like to know where
he is right now too.

Can you take me to Honeybee Scouts?

No, sweetie, I can't. Can you walk over?

I have a giant poster!

Honey, I'm so sorry.

Daddy and I will make it up to you.

Fine!

I hate this family!

Jesus, Frank. Where are you?

Excuse me, hon.

This gentleman would like to call
his wife while I service him.

Stupid parents.

Hello, Maureen! Are you
being publicly shamed?

Every day of my life.

My dad said he'd take me to
Honeybees, but he didn't show up.

Well, I can give you a ride
to your youth meeting.

I'm not supposed to take
rides from strangers.

I'm not a stranger.

I've known you since
the day you were born.

I took your mother to the hospital.

So, my dad missed that too?

I'm always happy to help!

- Where are we going?
- It's on Eisenhower Street.

Ah! Eisenhower.

If I had a Jesus, it would be him.

God damn it, Pogo! Open this door!

- Say you'll help me with Scoop!
- No!

Then fuck you forever!

I'm taking you down with me!

I should've driven over you
when I had the chance.

You un-loyal, ungrateful,
fucking miserable piece of...

Buddy!

Dolores?

A Puerto Rican kidnapped me
and forced me to eat candy.

Yes, again.

And...

it's two o'clock.

Hi there, Mr. Merlin's Monocle.

Right on time. I like that.

Ready for your haircut?

Yeah.

I've never seen anything so beautiful.

Please don't let me wake up.

Here we go. Time for your haircut.

And then a little "trim."

I get it.

You have beautiful hair.

Thank you. I grew it myself.

Oh, you're all sweaty. I like that.

It's happening.
It's really happening.

I am ready to enter your
crystal cave of wonder!

Ravish me, oh, lord!

Pillage my insides!

Yes! Yes!

I love you!

Oh, shit. Oh, man!

- Are you okay?
- What?

Yeah, I didn't do anything!

It's all right.

This thing happens to lots of guys.

Maybe we'll just give it a minute
or two, let you calm down.

- I love you!
- Ow!

Ah! You chipped my tooth!

- What the fuck is wrong with you?!
- Nothing!

My nose is bleeding!

- It's not that bad. Let me get it.
- Agh!

Get out, you fucking freak!

Will you tell
everybody we fucked?

Oh, shit!

Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit! So stupid!

- You fucking dildo!
- Yo, Murph!

Aw, shit. Hey, guys.

Oh, man, Haircut Girl fucked
the shirt off of you.

What did it feel like?

I mean, I've done it
already, like, you know,

a lot, but just tell me how it felt.

Uh, great. Great. Felt really good.

I got to go. Shit! Shit! Shit!

Yeah, he's got to go because after
you do it, you get really cold.

How can one man eat a
$160 worth of candy?

Thank God I stashed some beer money.

Oh, you fucking motherless whore!

Oh, fucking Kevin! Shit! Shit!

What the fuck?

Jesus, Sue.

Just a quick loan, honey.

Shit!

Shit! Shit! Shit!

Shit!

Yeah, this is getting good.

Damn it!

God damn it!

Ow!

The computers of tomorrow
will be capable of performing

10,000 computations in five minutes.

That's like fitting half a book
in a box the size of this room!

Excuse me, Maureen.

This was supposed to be
for the history badge.

All you're doing is
talking about the future.

You're so weird!

Maureen is boring And
we're all snoring!

All right, girls.
That's enough.

Okay, you want to hear
some real history?

Mr. Holtenwasser can tell you a story.

I was wondering why he's here.

Mr. Holtenwasser, tell them the
story you told me in the car.

I'd be delighted.

Ah, let me think, where to begin?
Where...

Ah, yes!

You girls like to play games.

How many of you have ever had to lie
in a latrine, pretending to be dead?

God damn it!

You blew it!

We rehearsed!

- Dozens of times!
- What are you doing?

Ah! Jesus, you scared me!

You're the one talking to your pants.

I'm locked out.

I think I lost my key when
I threw it at a bird.

Agh.

Well, I guess I should
help you not freeze.

Vic's got some Emu
sweaters you can borrow.

Thanks.

Did you drop a glazed
doughnut on your lap?

And so in 1952,

my wife and I moved to a little
town called Liberty... Mississippi.

We left because our front
yard kept catching fire.

Thanks. Pretty great you get to
hang out at Vic's house all day.

Yeah. All by myself with nothing to do.

Sounds so cool.

Ooh. It's freezing out.

Yeah. It's cold and... hard.

There it is again.

Stupid thing won't go away.

Hello? Maureen?

Frank?

Anybody?

What happened here?

What the hell?

What the hell?

Frank Fucking Murphy!

"I'll be home by noon!
I'll be home by noon!"

Where the fuck are you now?!

What?!

What's the holdup, Sue? I got to
get that money to Nikos tonight.

Vivian, listen. The thing is...

Will you get me the 150 or not?

Yeah. Yeah, I'll have it.

It's a really gorgeous piece.
One of a kind.

- You sure you want to sell it?
- No.

But I have to. I need this money badly.

I might regret it later,

but right now it's the only thing
that can make this shitty day

feel even remotely bearable.

I understand.

Enjoy your heroin.