Everybody Loves Raymond (1996–2005): Season 9, Episode 9 - A Date for Peter - full transcript

-Hey, look who's here.
- Hello.

Hi.
Oh, Hank and Pat.

Hi, Debra.
Hi, Ray.

I didn't know you guys
were in town.

Yes, Amy and Robert
are taking us sightseeing.

Yeah, gonna show 'em
the Big Apple,

and get away from Mom
and Dad for five hours.

We got to see Peter's apartment
for the first time.

- How's Peter doing?
- He's doing great.

Mom, what's wrong?

I'm sorry.



It's just that Peter's
really not doing great.

What's the matter?

Mother's concerned because
Peter is an unkempt layabout

who constantly disappoints
us, that's all.

He lost the lease
on his comic book store,

and now he just sells everything out
of that apartment,

and he never leaves.
It was almost lunchtime,

and he was still in
his Green Lantern pajamas.

We had hoped that
getting his own place

might mean that
Peter would find a wife

and start a family.

Poor Peter.

I just wish he could be
as happy as I am.

Maybe he just needs
a little advice--



you know, man to man.

That is a great idea.

Ray, maybe you could
go over and...

you know, talk to him.

Me?
Well, about what?

Perhaps you could encourage him
to get out there and meet someone.

Yes, we all know how much
he looks up to you.

He's over there right now.

You know, I would,
but it's Sunday,

and I'm very busy
with my worship.

But Peter's
running out of time.

I'm afraid his manly charms
are starting to fade.

I'm sure the Lord
wouldn't mind

if you were to miss
just one Mass

if you were to save
one of his lost lambs.

Okay, all right,
I guess I can stop by

on my way to church.

- Thank you, Ray.
- Okay.

And, Robert, we still need you
to be our tour guide.

Off to the city.

Tight grip
on that purse, Mother.

Maybe when you're done
with Peter,

you can heal a leper.

Great. I gotta
do this now, right?

Well, you know what? Why don't you
tell Peter to come Friday night?

No, we don't
want him over here.

No, listen. I'll just invite
a bunch of my single friends.

We'll have a cocktail party
and I'll match him up.

A cocktail party?
No no no.

I'm not putting on a tuxedo
and walking around all night

going, "Cheerio, guv'nor."
No, forget it.

Cocktail party.
You want a cocktail party?

Have a couple drinks,
and when I'm done, I'll swing by

and maybe you'll get lucky.

Maybe I'll meet somebody
at the party.

Ray!

Hi!

Hi, hi, Peter.

Welcome to
"Peter's Apartment of Comics".

Thanks. Thanks.
How's business?

Not good.

No, most of my customer base
is still in Pennsylvania,

and they can't get their moms
to drive 'em here.

I'm so excited you're here.
Come on in.

This is terrific.

Well, yeah, I can't--
can't stay too long.

Ally's got a thing,
and the twins got this other thing.

How are the little
nipperkins?

Good. Yeah yeah.
No, they're good.

How are you doing?

You know, how you like it
in Robert's old place?

- Love it.
- Great.

Great, okay, good.

Well, uh... so how's it going
with the ladies?

I mean, now that you got
this awesome bachelor pad?

Well, I don't know.
To be honest with you, Ray,

when it comes to the ladies,
I have rather high standards.

You do?

Yes, I do. You see,
I'm a DC Comics man,

and if the woman is
into Marvel,

well, then it's "See ya!"

Oh, who am I kidding?
Women hate me.

What? No no, I'm sure they
don't hate you.

I'm sure there's
a woman out there

who will appreciate you
for who you are.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

You know something, Ray?

When I first moved here,
I said, "Okay, I am tired

of being Mr. Lonely Jeans."

So I went down to that bar
down the street,

and there were
women there,

and I sat for,
like, two hours,

and I finally force myself
to go up to somebody

and say,
"Hey, how are you doing?"

And she said, "Um, fine."

And then the woman
turned to her friends

and said,
"But I'm not desperate."

And I just, you know,
stood there while they laughed.

And then I just--
I walked home.

You wanna go to
a cocktail party?

What?

Yeah, that's why l
came by, to invite you

to my fun cocktail party.

- That's nice, Ray, but--
- No no, listen, Peter.

I know what you're going through.
I understand.

I could never get a girl either.

Oh, please.

We both know that's crazy,
you good-looking son of a bitch.

No, I'm telling you,
you gotta just keep trying.

When I saw Debra the first time,

I was scared to talk to her.

But I forced myself,

just like you did to the mean lady
in the bar.

Only in this case, I got to marry
the mean lady.

All right.

Here's your club soda.
You're all set.

Why couldn't you just
hire a bartender?

The girl over there
wanted a Singapore Sling.

I don't know what the hell that is.
I'm not Asian.

Well, would you rather
have Amy's job

keeping Mom occupied
over there,

watching a three-hour
opera video?

Yeah, I didn't think so,
all right?

So just mix some drinks,
or I'll demote you to coat rack.

I'll be making you
a "saliva" Colada.

Um, Ray? Who are
those women you invited?

That's, uh...

it's Andy's sister and Robert's friend
from the morgue, yeah.

- What?
- They just don't seem very outgoing.

Well, I can't wait
for the party animals

from your book club
to show up.

Hello.

- Ray, look.
- Yeah.

How about that?
No more freaky-deaky.

Hey, Peter.

Oh my gosh, you look so...

Normal.

Well, thanks. You know, Ray suggested
nose-hair clippers,

and that kind of
got the ball rolling.

Come on, let's get you a drink.

He will be back
in a minute, ladies.

Robert, set him up.

Well, I think I will have
a sloe gin fizz, barkeep.

You'll have a beer.

This is great.

We got us a little
shindig here.

Agh!

Hello, Ally's dad.

Hello, Peggy.

Oh, Peggy, hi.
Come on in.

Well, she can't.
We have people.

Yes, and I invited her.

Hey, Ray, isn't that
the cookie lady,

the one
who beat you up?

Yes.

No, I mean, it's her,
but she didn't beat me up.

Yeah, right. Doesn't Debra know
that you hate her?

Of course.

Gotta love Debra.

Ray, Ray.

- Who is that?
- No no no no no.

Hey, I want you to meet
my friend Leslie.

- Carol.
- Carol, Carol.

Yeah, Carol's
my buddy Andy's sister.

Yeah, and the good part is she doesn't
look anything like Andy. Ha ha.

All right, let's have a drink.
Let's drink.

Hey, Peter, you know,
Peggy's into science fiction.

- Really?
- I'm sure Carol's

into science fiction too.
She wears glasses.

Excuse me.

So, um...

Hi. You're a scienceficionado
as well, huh?

Yeah, well,
more so in college.

But I did just finish reading
"Double Star" by Robert Heinlein.

Do you know him?

I have a statue of him.

Ah.

Well, I certainly
enjoyed the book.

I'm Peggy.

- Oh, hi, I'm Peter.
- Oh, hi. It's nice to meet you.

Really, the pleasure
is all mine.

Aah.

So, why don't
you two sit down?

- All right.
- Want to?

Hey hey, why did you
invite her?

What if they start dating?

We already have enough
horrible people in this family.

Would you stop? Robert, can you
get Peggy a drink?

Of course!

Raymond, your bartender's
gonna be mixing up a little love potion.

Okay, don't let me
interrupt you two.

This is just some deviled eggs,
you two devils.

What are you doing?

- What are you doing?
- What?

You got a million
single loser friends,

and you gotta invite
my sworn enemy?

Just because Peggy's a strong woman
and doesn't take any crap.

Get over it.
And by the way,

this is not about
what's best for you.

This is about what
is best for Peter.

I know, and what's best
for Peter is not

to go out with a she-beast who once
tried to beat me up.

Ray, I was there.
She did beat you up.

Very funny.
That's very funny.

Go on, just say that
and walk in there.

Well, you're not the only one who
can walk in there.

So can I get you two
anything else?

Debra, this is
the funniest thing.

We just realized
that we were both

at the same science fiction
convention in 1986.

You know what?
I bet you saw me there. I was Yoda.

I was Princess Leia!

Aw, look at
these two, Ray.

It's kismet.

Hello, dears.

Oh, what's all this?

Hi, the opera tape broke.

- Marie, Frank, hi.
- I'm sorry, Debra.

I had no idea you were
having a party,

because I wasn't invited.

You know, we wanted
to invite you,

but we didn't think
it was your kind of party.

I see booze.

You know what? Why don't you just
take a bottle and go?

Hey, Ray, get 'em a bottle
of anything they want.

Oh, no, I mean,
why can't they stay, Debra?

Huh?
They're fun people.

Why can't my charming parents
sit down and delight us

with their comments
and opinions?

Look, I'm sorry,
but this party is kind of

just for people who
are looking for a spouse.

I'm in.

Hello, ladies.

That's right, Dad,
there's lots of ladies here.

Here. Why don't
you sit down?

Sit down and just talk to...
talk to people.

And, you know, don't be afraid
to eat eggs in front of everybody.

Debra, is this
what you're serving?

Oh, don't worry.
I'll save your party.

Hey, Peter,
you're all cleaned up.

What did you do,
join a cult?

Wow, Dad, that's rude.

Don't you got anything
to say to Peggy?

Hey, the cookie lady
with a little makeup. Good for you.

Oh, boy.

Dad, that is
extremely inappropriate.

I wouldn't blame Peggy

is she just stormed out
the door right now.

- Ray.
- What is with him?

What's your problem, stupid?

Hey, Ma, why don't you come in here
and talk to everybody?

No no no, Marie, you just stay in there
and fix my bad cooking.

Okay, dear.

I got it.

Nobody move.
It's going swimmingly.

Agh!

Hello, Roberto.

Stefania.

Stefania?

What are you doing here?

Is tonight not the party?

No. No, it is.

It's just you're Stefania.

Don't be rude, Robert.
I invited her.

But why her?

Well, why not her?
She's nice and single.

But she's my Stefania.

I mean--

I mean,
she's my ex-Stefania.

No no, I mean...

you're my Stefania now.

Baby.

I need a drink.

Come on in.
Let me take your coat.

Grazie.

- I'm outta here.
- Me too.

Okay, bye, ladies.

Thank you for coming.

Oh, Stefania.
What a nice surprise.

It's like everyone
was invited except me.

What were you thinking,
inviting her here?

I thought Peter
might like her.

Of course he'll like her.
Look at her!

Not that I'm looking.

Is everything all right?

From where I sit, fantastic.

Everything's great, yeah.

We're just getting to know everybody
and let me introduce you.

Peter, I want to introduce you
to a friend of mine-- Stefania.

She's from ltaly,
which, incidentally,

is the land of amore.

Hello.

Hi. I'm Peter.
It's a pleasure to meet you.

So, what other
sci-fi writers are you into?

Well, Bradbury, of course.

- Peter, Peter, Peter.
- What?

Ray, Peggy and Peter
are talking.

- Yes yes, I know, I know, but, Peter--
- What?

We are talking.

Peter, did you know that
Peggy beat me up once?

- Ray.
- What?

Yeah, real bad.

Will you please
just get over that?

Whoa whoa whoa.
Did you see that?

You gotta watch the temper
on that one, Peter.

No, you don't.

Look, they got in
an argument one time

that was a little heated.

I think it's hilarious
that you beat Ray up,

'cause you're a girl.

Well, listen, it wasn't easy.
Ray is quite a girl himself.

- Hey, she's funny.
- No no no.

Are you finished sticking your nose
into our conversation,

or does that thing just get stuck
in every conversation?

Anybody want bruschetta?

Peter, I forbid you
to see this woman.

Ray, what is your problem?
We're just having fun.

No no, she's not fun.
She's mean,

and I forbid you
to marry a mean lady.

Wait. Marry?

- Ray, would you stop it?
- No, I will not stop it, Debra.

And by the way,
this is my house,

and my nose can go
wherever it wants...

Okay.

You know what?
Fine.

- I'm just gonna go.
- You see, Debra?

This is what happens
when you let people get hungry.

Peggy, please, wait.

No no, let her go.
Godspeed, Peggy.

What is wrong with you?
You are ruining this for Peter.

I am not. You don't
care about Peter.

You just want her here
so she can torture me,

because "She's a strong lady
who doesn't take any crap."

No, wait wait wait wait.

You know what?
What is wrong with that?

In fact, I would love it
if Peggy and Peter got married,

'cause I could use another strong woman
around here.

Ohh-hh, I get it now.

This is not about me.

You want another soldier
in the fight

against your enemy.

Who's that?

You are ruining this for Peter!

- Okay, that's it. I'm just gonna go.
- No, Peggy, don't go yet.

You know what?
It was really nice to meet you,

but I came here for a drink,
not an arranged marriage.

But you have all
been lovely. Good night.

Peggy, wait.
Don't go yet.

Peggy, I'm not like these people.
They're freaks.

What is wrong with you?

Don't give me that.
I just saved this man's life.

No, you didn't.
Peggy was perfect for him.

- No, she was perfect for you.
- She was perfect for everyone.

You see, Peter, this is
why you don't get married.

I guess you're right,
Ray.

I guess I should probably
just live the rest of my life alone.

Thanks a lot.

Yeah, mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

It's bad enough
you ruined my life...

but you had to do the same
to my brother-in-law?

You are a selfish ass

who walks among
regular humans.

But now it is time
for everyone to see the truth,

that you are...

ass.

Listen, don't tell Amy,
but Stefania's here.

- Hey, Peter.
- Hello.

Listen, I'm sorry.

I'm really sorry.
I really screwed up.

I have problems
with certain women.

Like Peggy.

And my wife.

And my mom.

But listen,
for whatever it's worth,

I'll do whatever it takes
to help you meet another woman.

I'd rather you didn't.

Agh!

Peggy. Wha--

I'm sorry,
the store's closed.

Ooh, Princess Leia.