Everybody Loves Raymond (1996–2005): Season 7, Episode 3 - Homework - full transcript
Ray believes that Ally's school is giving out too much homework.
[kids blowing bubbles]
- COME ON, GUYS.
WE'RE NOT SNORKELING,
WE'RE EATING, OKAY?
STOP. STOP. STOP.
NO, DON'T PLAY WITH YOUR FOOD.
OH, GOOD.
GET IN THERE.
ALLY NEEDS HELP
WITH HER HOMEWORK.
HEY! HEY!
GET BACK IN HERE!
RAY, COME ON.
IT'S EITHER HELP ALLY
OR GIVE THE TWINS THEIR BATH.
- ALL RIGHT.
COME HERE, GUYS,
LET ME LOOK AT YOU.
WHAT, DID YOU STRIKE OIL?
- I'LL DO ALLY.
HEY, POPEYE.
YOU LOOK LIKE
YOU'RE DOIN' PRETTY GOOD HERE.
YOU DON'T NEED MY HELP,
DO YOU?
- YES, I DO.
- OKAY, ALL RIGHT.
DON'T WORRY.
DADDY'S HERE TO HELP YOU.
[turns TV on]
MOMMY SAYS NO TV
DURING HOMEWORK.
- DON'T WORRY ABOUT MOMMY.
- TURN IT OFF, RAY.
[turns TV off]
- ALL RIGHT, LET'S SEE.
WHAT DO YOU GOT?
- I HAVE TO ANSWER ALL THESE
QUESTIONS ABOUT ABRAHAM LINCOLN.
- OKAY.
- I HAVE TO DO THESE
THREE WORKSHEETS ON FRACTIONS.
- ALL RIGHT.
AND I HAVE TO MAKE A DIORAMA
OF A MARINE ECOSYSTEM.
- BATHS. I'LL DO THE BATHS.
I'M GONNA DO THE BATHS.
- TOO LATE.
- I'M TURNIN' THE TV ON.
- RAY--
- I'M NOT!
- [singing]
JUNGLE LOVE
IT'S DRIVING ME MAD
IT'S MAKING ME CRAZY, CRAZY
JUNGLE LOVE
IT'S DRIVING ME MAD
IT'S MAKING ME CRAZY, CRAZY
JUNGLE LOVE
IT'S DRIVING ME MAD
IT'S MAKING ME CRAZY, CRAZY
JUNGLE LOVE
IT'S DRIVING ME MAD
IT'S MAKING ME CRAZY
- [sighs]
- HI.
RAY! HEY!
WHAT?
COME ON!
WHAT ARE YOU DOIN'?
- SORRY TO DISTURB YOU,
YOUR HIGHNESS.
BUT WHILE YOU WERE
UP HERE READING
YOUR LATEST
KISS-HANDSOME-BOYS BOOK
AND RUBBING LOTION
ON YOUR BUNIONS...
THE PEASANTS
WERE DOWNSTAIRS
TRYIN' TO BUILD AN OCEAN
IN A SHOEBOX.
- ARE YOU COMPLAINING?
- AM I COMPLAINING?
I JUST DID HOMEWORK
FOR TWO HOURS.
- WELL, THEN I GUESS THAT MAKES
THE SCORE 3 MILLION TO TWO.
- WHAT, ARE YOU
KEEPIN' TRACK NOW?
THAT IS SO PETTY.
- LOOK, RAY, THEY TOLD US
THAT ALLY WAS GONNA GET
A LOT MORE HOMEWORK
IN THE 5TH GRADE.
I'M GONNA NEED
MORE HELP FROM YOU NOW.
- [groans]
ARE YOU KIDDING?
COME ON,
I WAS DOWN THERE ALL NIGHT!
- WELL, THIS IS WHAT WE DO.
IT'S CALLED
"BEING A PARENT."
- WELL, MAYBE I DON'T WANT
TO BE CALLED THAT.
IT'S JUST--
IT'S JUST
SHE HAS TOO MUCH HOMEWORK.
DID YOU SEE HOW MANY BOOKS
SHE HAS TO CARRY?
SHE'S GONNA BE
A HUNCHBACK.
- YOU KNOW, YOUR CONCERN
FOR ALLY IS TRULY HEARTWARMING,
BUT THIS WHAT MISS PURCELL
GIVES THEM.
- MISS PURCELL, YEAH.
I KNOW THE TYPE.
"MY LIFE IS MISERABLE,
CHILDREN, SO GUESS WHAT--
I'M TAKIN' YOU DOWN WITH ME!"
- YOU KNOW, IF YOU HAVE
A PROBLEM WITH THIS WOMAN,
THEN MAYBE YOU SHOULD
TALK TO HER.
- MAYBE I WILL.
MAYBE I WILL DO EXACTLY THAT.
- GOOD.
TUESDAY IS OPEN SCHOOL NIGHT.
- WHAT?
- THE PERFECT OPPORTUNITY
FOR YOU TO GIVE MISS PURCELL
A PIECE OF THAT HUGE MIND
YOU'VE GOT THERE.
- MISS PURCELL.
MISS PUR-SMELL.
- AND YOU CAN SEE
THAT THE CHILDREN
HAD A WONDERFUL TIME
WITH OUR SCIENCE PROJECT.
THESE ARE THE OCEAN BOTTOM
ENVIRONMENTS THEY CREATED.
all: OOH.
- LOOK, LOOK, RAY,
THERE'S ALLY'S, SEE?
- GREAT, I BUST MY HUMP.
SHE PUTS MINE IN THE BACK.
- YOU CAN ALL KEEP
LOOKING AROUND.
LET ME KNOW
IF YOU HAVE ANY QUESTIONS.
- OKAY, RAY, HERE'S YOUR CHANCE.
GO AHEAD.
- WHAT? FOR WHAT?
- TO TALK TO THE TEACHER.
- WHY DON'T YOU?
- YOU KNOW, I'M CONFUSED, RAY.
I THOUGHT YOU HAD A BIG,
IMPORTANT COMPLAINT TO MAKE
BECAUSE YOU CARED SO MUCH
ABOUT YOUR DAUGHTER'S EDUCATION.
- ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?
- OH, YEAH. NO.
SHE LOVES WHEN I DO MY RABBIT--
- I WANTED TO LET EVERYONE KNOW
THAT OUR NEXT CLASS PROJECT
IS GOING TO BE
A LARGE 3-DIMENSIONAL MURAL.
WE'LL ASSEMBLE IT
IN EARLY DECEMBER
SO THAT EACH CHILD
CAN WORK ON THEIR SECTION
OVER THE THANKSGIVING BREAK.
- OH, MY GOD.
THANKSGIVING.
IT'S LIKE SHE HATES AMERICA.
- DID YOU GET STUCK MAKING
THAT OCEAN CRAP TOO?
- YEAH.
YUP.
- THIS ONE'S MINE.
- THAT'S PRETTY GOOD.
WHAT'D YOU USE FOR SHRIMP?
- SHRIMP.
- TOMORROW THAT'S NOT
GONNA BE TOO PLEASANT.
- A LITTLE TIME BOMB
FOR MISS PURCELL.
- HEY, DON'T YOU THINK THE KIDS
JUST GET TOO MUCH HOMEWORK?
- [scoffs]
YOU ARE SO RIGHT!
LINDA'S BEEN UP PAST 10:00
EVERY NIGHT.
- IT'S OUT OF CONTROL.
WE NEVER USED TO GET
THIS MUCH HOMEWORK.
- YOU SEE, DEBRA?
IT'S NOT JUST ME!
TALK TO MY WIFE.
- I THOUGHT IT WAS JUST ME.
BILLY'S BEEN SO SWAMPED
I HAD TO CANCEL CELLO AND LATIN.
- THAT'S TERRIBLE.
THOSE ARE GOOD THINGS!
- DOES MISS PURCELL EVEN KNOW
WHAT SHE'S DOING TO US?
- YOU KNOW,
I THINK MAYBE
SOMEBODY SHOULD DEFINITELY
SPEAK UP, DON'T YOU THINK?
[all talking over each other]
- ...DON'T TELL ANYTHING BAD.
[gulps]
- IS EVERYTHING OKAY?
- GO AHEAD, RAY.
- NO, NO, NO.
IT'S NOTHING.
IT'S JUST SOME OF THE PEOPLE
WERE THINKING
THAT MAYBE THERE'S
A LITTLE TOO MUCH HOMEWORK
YOU KNOW,
FOR THE KIDS--
EVERYBODY'S KIDS...
MAYBE.
- WELL, IT'S WHAT
THE DISTRICT THINKS IS NECESSARY
FOR THE CHILDREN TO KEEP PACE
WITH THE CURRICULUM.
- OH, CURRICULUM.
CURRICULUM.
- YOU KNOW,
WE HAVE A MEETING MONDAY
WITH THE CURRICULUM
REVIEW BOARD,
AND THEY ALWAYS WELCOME INPUT
FROM PARENTS.
- OKAY, WELL,
GOOD LUCK WITH THAT.
YEAH.
[shrieks]
- YOU KNOW WHAT,
I THINK RAY WOULD BE
A PERFECT SPOKESMAN FOR US.
- HEY, I SECOND THAT!
- YES!
- NO, NO!
NO, NO.
A SPOKESMAN--A SPOKESMAN
SHOULD BE A GUY
WHO'S NOT AFRAID
OF PUBLIC SPEAKING.
I'M--I'M WETTING MYSELF NOW.
- I THINK YOU'RE BEING
TOO HARD ON YOURSELF.
- WAY TOO HARD.
- OH, YES.
- WE COULD REALLY USE YOU.
IF WE'RE GOING TO REDUCE
THE 5TH GRADE WORKLOAD,
WE'RE GOING TO HAVE
TO TELL THEM WHAT TO CUT.
- YOU KEEP SAYING "WE."
I'M QUITE A BUSY FELLOW.
- WELL, YOU HAVE
ALMOST A WEEK.
WE JUST NEED YOU
TO READ THROUGH
THE CURRENT CURRICULUM
AND FIGURE OUT
WHERE YOU FEEL
IT'S REDUNDANT.
I CAN'T TELL YOU HOW VALUABLE
YOUR INPUT IS GOING TO BE.
- YEAH, BUT, YOU SEE,
I'M NOT A TEACHER; I'M NOT--
- WHEN THE TEACHERS
BRING THIS UP,
THE BOARD JUST THINKS
WE'RE TRYING TO GET OUT OF WORK.
BUT THEY KNOW THAT'S NOT TRUE
WHEN IT COMES FROM A PARENT.
[electronic chirping]
- COME ON.
YOU GOT
A BETTER CONTROL.
OH--HEY! HEY!
YOU BLEW ME UP!
WE'RE ON THE SAME SIDE.
I'M NOT A ZOMBIE!
- NOBODY BELIEVES YOU, MAN.
- THAT'S HOW YOU'RE GONNA PLAY?
- YES, IT IS.
- ALL RIGHT, THEN,
WE'RE GONNA PLAY.
- COME ON!
COME ON!
TRY AND GET ME,
YOU BIG LOAD!
YOU CAN'T DO IT!
YOU CAN'T DO IT, SUCKER!
- YOU ARE SO LUCKY.
- RAY, DID YOU FINISH
GOING THROUGH
ALL THIS CURRICULUM STUFF?
- YEAH. YEAH, I DID.
- THOSE BOOKS HAVEN'T MOVED
SINCE YOU BROUGHT THEM HOME.
- I'M GONNA GET 'EM, DEBRA,
IT'S JUST RIGHT NOW
I'M ENTERTAINING A GUEST.
A-HA!
- THE REVIEW BOARD
IS TOMORROW MORNING.
YOU HAVE WASTED
THE ENTIRE WEEKEND.
- YOU'RE RIGHT, DEBRA,
I'M SORRY.
- HEY, COME ON.
- CUBBY, YOU CAN'T PLAY
VIDEO GAMES
IF YOU HAVEN'T FINISHED
YOUR HOMEWORK.
- I'M GONNA GET TO IT.
- WHEN?
- YOU KNOW, RAYMOND, EVERY DAY
AT THE END OF MY SHIFT,
I HAVE A MOUNTAIN OF PAPERWORK,
AND YOU KNOW WHEN I DO IT?
- WHEN YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE OUT
BUYING NOSE HAIR CLIPPERS?
- I DO IT RIGHT AWAY,
BECAUSE THERE IS
NO WORSE FEELING
THAN WHEN YOU'VE PUT SOMETHING
OFF TO THE LAST SECOND,
AND IT'S GETTING DARK,
AND THE CLOCK IS TICKING,
AND YOU REALIZE
YOU'RE NEVER GONNA MAKE IT.
- GO.
GET OUT OF HERE.
- [clicking tongue]
- GET OUT OF HERE!
- ALL RIGHT.
VERY WELL.
- WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
- BUT JUST SO YOU
WON'T BE DISTRACTED,
I'M GONNA TAKE
THIS LITTLE ITEM WITH ME.
- IT'S NOT YOURS!
- THIS WAY, YOU CAN GET
ALL YOUR WORK DONE.
AND BY TOMORROW MORNING,
I SHALL BE
THE GREATEST ZOMBIE HUNTER
OF ALL TIME.
THAT'S RIGHT.
[mouthing words]
- ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT,
I'LL GET STARTED.
BUT, YOU KNOW,
I'M JUST GONNA TELL 'EM
TO CUT EVERYTHING IN HALF '
CAUSE IT'S TOO MUCH.
- YOU CAN'T JUST TELL 'EM
TO CUT THINGS.
YOU HAVE
TO GIVE THEM REASONS.
YOU HAVE TO FILL OUT
ALL THOSE EVALUATION FORMS.
- NO WAY!
YOU HAVE TO HELP ME.
- LISTEN, I HAVE DONE
FOUR LOADS OF LAUNDRY,
PAID ALL THE BILLS,
PUT THREE KIDS TO BED.
I HAVE DONE MY JOB.
YOU DO YOURS.
AS A MATTER OF FACT,
I'M GONNA GO TO SLEEP.
GOOD NIGHT.
- JUST SO YOU KNOW,
YOU COULD HAVE HAD SEX TONIGHT.
IT WAS GONNA BE GOOD.
ALL NEW STUFF.
[groans]
WHAT THE HELL?
[sighs]
- SURE, I CAN HELP YOU
WITH THIS, RAYMOND.
IT DOESN'T SEEM
ALL THAT DIFFICULT.
- I KNOW.
IT'S JUST I DIDN'T THINK THERE
WOULD BE SO MUCH, YOU KNOW?
AND IT'S ALREADY 10:30,
AND OF COURSE,
DEBRA NEVER WANTS TO HELP ME.
- THAT'S ALL RIGHT.
THAT'S WHAT MOTHERS ARE FOR.
BUT MAYBE NEXT TIME YOU'LL BE
A LITTLE MORE RESPONSIBLE
AND DO THINGS ON TIME
SO I COULD BE PROUD OF YOU.
- I'M SORRY.
- OKAY.
- WHAT'S GOIN' ON IN THERE?
- WHAT'S THE MATTER, FRANK?
- OH.
I THOUGHT YOU WERE EATING
THAT LAST PIECE OF PIE.
- I'M HELPING RAYMOND
WITH HIS SCHOOL PROJECT.
- ALL RIGHT, THEN.
I'M GONNA EAT THAT PIE
SO I KNOW WHERE IT IS.
- HEY, DAD,
LET ME GET A SLIVER OF THAT.
- NICE TRY.
- RAYMOND, PAY ATTENTION.
WHY DON'T WE START
WITH LITERATURE
AND READING COMPREHENSION
GUIDELINES, OKAY?
"BASED ON THE READINGS
OF MARK TWAIN'S 'TOM SAWYER,'
"WHICH OF THE FOLLOWING
WOULD YOU RECOMMEND
"FOR 5TH GRADE HOMEWORK,
AND WHY?
"A) A BOOK REPORT,
INCLUDING COVER ART...
- [grunts]
- "AND ILLUSTRATIONS;
"B) AN ORAL REPORT USING
PERIOD MUSIC AND COSTUMES,
"C) A CRAFT PROJECT BASED ON
"THE PRE-INDUSTRIAL ERA
ON THE MISSISSIPPI,
"OR D) A FICTIONAL DIARY
ON ONE OF THE CHARACTERS?"
RAYMOND!
- OW!
WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?
- I LIKE PIE.
- RAYMOND, PAY ATTENTION.
I'M GONNA READ YOU THIS AGAIN.
- NO, NOT AGAIN, ALL RIGHT?
I HEARD IT ALREADY.
- [chuckles]
- HOW ABOUT WE DON'T MAKE
THE KIDS READ "TOM SAWYER"?
- WHAT?
IT'S AN AMERICAN CLASSIC.
- ALL RIGHT, THEN.
I SAY "A."
- GOOD.
WHY?
- "B."
- RAYMOND, DON'T PLAY GAMES
WITH ME.
WE NEED
TO DO THIS PROPERLY.
NOW, IF YOU'RE GOING
TO EXPLAIN "TOM SAWYER,"
WHICH OF THESE
WOULD YOU RECOMMEND
TO THE SCHOOL BOARD,
AND WHY?
- YOU NEVER READ "TOM SAWYER,"
DID YOU?
- WELL, YES, I DID.
- WHAT'S IT ABOUT?
- A BOY NAMED TOM SAWYER.
EAT YOUR PIE.
- RAYMOND.
YOU NEVER READ
"TOM SAWYER"?
- WELL, ALL RIGHT, I DIDN'T.
SO WHAT?
- YOU NEVER READ "TOM SAWYER"?
- AND YOU NEVER READ "LEGENDARY
RUNNING BACKS OF THE NFL."
- THAT'S SPORTS.
- THAT'S RIGHT, MA,
A SPORTS BOOK.
A SPORTS BOOK!
THAT'S BECAUSE
THAT'S WHAT I LIKED!
ALL THIS STUFF
THEY MAKE YOU DO IN SCHOOL,
THAT'S WHAT THEY THINK
IS IMPORTANT.
I DID--I READ WHAT I WANTED TO,
AND LOOK AT ME.
I AM SOMEONE WHO DID NOT
READ "TOM SAWYER,"
AND YET I DID NOT TURN OUT
TO BE A HOBO.
- WELL, I'M VERY DISAPPOINTED.
- ME TOO!
ANY COOKIES?
- OBVIOUSLY YOU JUST DID
ENOUGH WORK TO GET BY,
AND NOW YOU'RE PROUD OF IT.
- WELL, YEAH!
I AM PROUD OF IT!
ALL THOSE SPORTS BOOKS
I READ
AND ALL THE SPORTS
I WATCHED ON TV,
THAT'S HOW I GOT TO BE
WHERE I'M AT.
- "THAT'S HOW I GOT TO BE
WHERE I'M AT"?
- YEAH.
THAT'S RIGHT.
- YOU'RE A WRITER,
AND THAT'S HOW YOU USE
THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE?
- WHAT?
WHAT ARE YOU TALKIN' ABOUT?
- YOU DO NOT END A SENTENCE
WITH "AT."
- ALL RIGHT.
BIG DEAL.
I ENDED IT
WITH A PROPOSITION.
- PREPOSITION.
IT'S A PREP--
OH, MY GOD!
- WHAT? WHAT? WHAT ARE YOU
GETTING SO UPSET ABOUT?
- BECAUSE THIS IS
THE END OF CIVILIZATION!
PEOPLE LIKE YOU DON'T WANT
TO WORK OR LEARN ANYTHING,
BECAUSE THEY'RE TOO BUSY WITH
THEIR REMOTE CONTROL TELEVISION
OR PLAYING WITH
THEIR HULA-HOOPS!
AND BEFORE YOU KNOW IT,
THAT'S WHERE WE'RE AT!
- WHERE ARE THE COOKIES AT?
- ALL RIGHT, LOOK,
FORGET ABOUT IT.
MA, I'LL DO IT.
RELAX, OKAY? GIVE IT TO ME.
- NO, NO, NO,
I'M NOT GIVING YOU THIS.
THIS IS TOO IMPORTANT
TO GIVE TO SOMEONE
WITH YOUR KIND OF ATTITUDE
ABOUT EDUCATION.
- SO YOU GOT WHAT
I WAS SAYIN' THERE--GOOD.
- OH, KNOCK IT OFF, RAY.
YOU GOT YOUR MOMMY DOING
YOUR HOMEWORK FOR YOU?
- I HAVE TO, DEBRA.
IT TURNS OUT
I RAISED AN ILLITERATE.
- CAN I ASK YOU SOMETHING, RAY?
WHAT WILL IT TAKE FOR YOU TO
GET INVOLVED IN SOMETHING, HM?
I MEAN, THE NEIGHBORHOOD WATCH
DIDN'T DO IT FOR YOU.
THE CHURCH CARNIVAL WASN'T
FOR YOU.
YOU SAID, "THE LORD DOESN'T NEED
ME TO SIT IN A DUNKING BOOTH."
AND NOW EVEN YOUR CHILDREN'S
EDUCATION ISN'T ENOUGH.
SO I WAS JUST WONDERING,
WHEN WILL SOMETHING
BE IMPORTANT ENOUGH
FOR YOU TO TAKE A STAND?
- OW!
- I ALSO THINK WE SHOULD
INTRODUCE HISTORIOGRAPHY
AS SOON AS POSSIBLE.
IT WOULD BE HIGHLY BENEFICIAL
TO ALL THE 5TH AND 6TH GRADERS.
THANK YOU.
- THANK YOU, MISS SILVER.
NOW, I BELIEVE WE'RE UP
TO ONE OF OUR PARENTS,
MR. RAYMOND BARONE.
MR. BARONE?
- [clears throat]
HI.
[chuckles]
THANK YOU.
ALL RIGHT.
WOW.
I WAS UP ALL NIGHT
GOIN' OVER THE MATERIAL,
AND...
WELL...
I JUST GOT
A FEW THINGS TO SAY.
YOU KNOW, WHEN I WAS A KID,
I ALWAYS THOUGHT THAT WE HAD
TOO MUCH HOMEWORK.
AND SINCE I HATED
ALL THE HOMEWORK,
I STARTED
TO HATE LEARNING.
IN FACT, WHAT I LEARNED
TO DO MORE THAN ANYTHING ELSE
WAS TO AVOID THE WORK.
I'M SORRY TO SAY I STILL TRY
TO AVOID IT WHENEVER I CAN.
JUST ASK MY WIFE.
[chuckles]
BUT, YOU KNOW, IT SEEMS TO ME
LIKE THE KIDS TODAY,
THEY'VE GOT TEN TIMES
THE HOMEWORK THAT WE HAD.
YOU KNOW, AND I DON'T WANT
MY DAUGHTER TO HATE LEARNING.
I WANT HER TO BE CURIOUS
AND THOUGHTFUL
AND GET EXCITED
ABOUT NEW IDEAS.
AND MOST OF ALL--
AND I THINK THIS IS WHAT
WE WANT FOR ALL OUR KIDS--
I WANT HER TO BE HAPPY.
I MEAN, I THINK
THERE'S HOMEWORK
THAT'S IMPORTANT
AND EVERYTHING,
AND THEN I THINK
THERE'S OVERLOAD.
I MEAN,
ARE WE PILING IT ON?
YOU KNOW, WE'RE SO WORRIED
ABOUT THE KIDS
WON'T BE COMPETITIVE
AND OUR KIDS
WON'T HAVE A FUTURE
THAT WE'RE TAKING AWAY
THEIR PRESENT.
ANYWAY, SO,
YOU KNOW,
MAYBE WE CAN JUST KEEP
THAT IN MIND,
'CAUSE ISN'T THAT
THE KIND OF SCHOOL
THAT WE WANT OUR CHILDREN
TO BE AT?
I MEAN IN.
I MEAN OF.
I MEAN A PART OF.
I MEAN, ISN'T THAT--
ISN'T THAT THE KIND OF SCHOOL
THAT WE WANT OUR CHILDREN
TO BE A PART OF?
IN.
- AND YOU WANTED TO CUT DOWN
ON THE ENGLISH HOMEWORK.
- HEY, WHAT ARE YOU DOIN'?
- GRANDMA'S HELPING ME
WITH MY HOMEWORK.
- OH.
WANT ME TO HELP?
- THAT'S ALL RIGHT, DEAR.
WE'RE WORKING ON GRAMMAR
RIGHT NOW.
- ALL RIGHT, THEN,
I'LL BE SURE
AND KEEP THE TV DOWN.
- WAIT A MINUTE, RAYMOND.
YOU HAVE SOME WORK TOO.
- "TOM SAWYER."
- YOU NEED TO READ THAT.
- NO, MOM,
I TOLD YOU, I DON'T.
- YES, YOU DO.
I READ "LEGENDARY
RUNNING BACKS OF THE NFL."
- YEAH, RIGHT.
- POOR GALE SAYERS.
FIRST TO LOSE A FRIEND
LIKE BRIAN PICCOLO,
AND THEN TO HAVE
A CAREER CUT SHORT
BECAUSE OF
ALL HIS KNEE INJURIES.
GO.
READ.
- YOU PROBABLY JUST READ
THE ONE CHAPTER.
- JIM BROWN AVERAGED
5.2 YARDS PER CARRY
FOR HIS ENTIRE CAREER.
- DAMN YOU.
- COME ON, GUYS.
WE'RE NOT SNORKELING,
WE'RE EATING, OKAY?
STOP. STOP. STOP.
NO, DON'T PLAY WITH YOUR FOOD.
OH, GOOD.
GET IN THERE.
ALLY NEEDS HELP
WITH HER HOMEWORK.
HEY! HEY!
GET BACK IN HERE!
RAY, COME ON.
IT'S EITHER HELP ALLY
OR GIVE THE TWINS THEIR BATH.
- ALL RIGHT.
COME HERE, GUYS,
LET ME LOOK AT YOU.
WHAT, DID YOU STRIKE OIL?
- I'LL DO ALLY.
HEY, POPEYE.
YOU LOOK LIKE
YOU'RE DOIN' PRETTY GOOD HERE.
YOU DON'T NEED MY HELP,
DO YOU?
- YES, I DO.
- OKAY, ALL RIGHT.
DON'T WORRY.
DADDY'S HERE TO HELP YOU.
[turns TV on]
MOMMY SAYS NO TV
DURING HOMEWORK.
- DON'T WORRY ABOUT MOMMY.
- TURN IT OFF, RAY.
[turns TV off]
- ALL RIGHT, LET'S SEE.
WHAT DO YOU GOT?
- I HAVE TO ANSWER ALL THESE
QUESTIONS ABOUT ABRAHAM LINCOLN.
- OKAY.
- I HAVE TO DO THESE
THREE WORKSHEETS ON FRACTIONS.
- ALL RIGHT.
AND I HAVE TO MAKE A DIORAMA
OF A MARINE ECOSYSTEM.
- BATHS. I'LL DO THE BATHS.
I'M GONNA DO THE BATHS.
- TOO LATE.
- I'M TURNIN' THE TV ON.
- RAY--
- I'M NOT!
- [singing]
JUNGLE LOVE
IT'S DRIVING ME MAD
IT'S MAKING ME CRAZY, CRAZY
JUNGLE LOVE
IT'S DRIVING ME MAD
IT'S MAKING ME CRAZY, CRAZY
JUNGLE LOVE
IT'S DRIVING ME MAD
IT'S MAKING ME CRAZY, CRAZY
JUNGLE LOVE
IT'S DRIVING ME MAD
IT'S MAKING ME CRAZY
- [sighs]
- HI.
RAY! HEY!
WHAT?
COME ON!
WHAT ARE YOU DOIN'?
- SORRY TO DISTURB YOU,
YOUR HIGHNESS.
BUT WHILE YOU WERE
UP HERE READING
YOUR LATEST
KISS-HANDSOME-BOYS BOOK
AND RUBBING LOTION
ON YOUR BUNIONS...
THE PEASANTS
WERE DOWNSTAIRS
TRYIN' TO BUILD AN OCEAN
IN A SHOEBOX.
- ARE YOU COMPLAINING?
- AM I COMPLAINING?
I JUST DID HOMEWORK
FOR TWO HOURS.
- WELL, THEN I GUESS THAT MAKES
THE SCORE 3 MILLION TO TWO.
- WHAT, ARE YOU
KEEPIN' TRACK NOW?
THAT IS SO PETTY.
- LOOK, RAY, THEY TOLD US
THAT ALLY WAS GONNA GET
A LOT MORE HOMEWORK
IN THE 5TH GRADE.
I'M GONNA NEED
MORE HELP FROM YOU NOW.
- [groans]
ARE YOU KIDDING?
COME ON,
I WAS DOWN THERE ALL NIGHT!
- WELL, THIS IS WHAT WE DO.
IT'S CALLED
"BEING A PARENT."
- WELL, MAYBE I DON'T WANT
TO BE CALLED THAT.
IT'S JUST--
IT'S JUST
SHE HAS TOO MUCH HOMEWORK.
DID YOU SEE HOW MANY BOOKS
SHE HAS TO CARRY?
SHE'S GONNA BE
A HUNCHBACK.
- YOU KNOW, YOUR CONCERN
FOR ALLY IS TRULY HEARTWARMING,
BUT THIS WHAT MISS PURCELL
GIVES THEM.
- MISS PURCELL, YEAH.
I KNOW THE TYPE.
"MY LIFE IS MISERABLE,
CHILDREN, SO GUESS WHAT--
I'M TAKIN' YOU DOWN WITH ME!"
- YOU KNOW, IF YOU HAVE
A PROBLEM WITH THIS WOMAN,
THEN MAYBE YOU SHOULD
TALK TO HER.
- MAYBE I WILL.
MAYBE I WILL DO EXACTLY THAT.
- GOOD.
TUESDAY IS OPEN SCHOOL NIGHT.
- WHAT?
- THE PERFECT OPPORTUNITY
FOR YOU TO GIVE MISS PURCELL
A PIECE OF THAT HUGE MIND
YOU'VE GOT THERE.
- MISS PURCELL.
MISS PUR-SMELL.
- AND YOU CAN SEE
THAT THE CHILDREN
HAD A WONDERFUL TIME
WITH OUR SCIENCE PROJECT.
THESE ARE THE OCEAN BOTTOM
ENVIRONMENTS THEY CREATED.
all: OOH.
- LOOK, LOOK, RAY,
THERE'S ALLY'S, SEE?
- GREAT, I BUST MY HUMP.
SHE PUTS MINE IN THE BACK.
- YOU CAN ALL KEEP
LOOKING AROUND.
LET ME KNOW
IF YOU HAVE ANY QUESTIONS.
- OKAY, RAY, HERE'S YOUR CHANCE.
GO AHEAD.
- WHAT? FOR WHAT?
- TO TALK TO THE TEACHER.
- WHY DON'T YOU?
- YOU KNOW, I'M CONFUSED, RAY.
I THOUGHT YOU HAD A BIG,
IMPORTANT COMPLAINT TO MAKE
BECAUSE YOU CARED SO MUCH
ABOUT YOUR DAUGHTER'S EDUCATION.
- ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?
- OH, YEAH. NO.
SHE LOVES WHEN I DO MY RABBIT--
- I WANTED TO LET EVERYONE KNOW
THAT OUR NEXT CLASS PROJECT
IS GOING TO BE
A LARGE 3-DIMENSIONAL MURAL.
WE'LL ASSEMBLE IT
IN EARLY DECEMBER
SO THAT EACH CHILD
CAN WORK ON THEIR SECTION
OVER THE THANKSGIVING BREAK.
- OH, MY GOD.
THANKSGIVING.
IT'S LIKE SHE HATES AMERICA.
- DID YOU GET STUCK MAKING
THAT OCEAN CRAP TOO?
- YEAH.
YUP.
- THIS ONE'S MINE.
- THAT'S PRETTY GOOD.
WHAT'D YOU USE FOR SHRIMP?
- SHRIMP.
- TOMORROW THAT'S NOT
GONNA BE TOO PLEASANT.
- A LITTLE TIME BOMB
FOR MISS PURCELL.
- HEY, DON'T YOU THINK THE KIDS
JUST GET TOO MUCH HOMEWORK?
- [scoffs]
YOU ARE SO RIGHT!
LINDA'S BEEN UP PAST 10:00
EVERY NIGHT.
- IT'S OUT OF CONTROL.
WE NEVER USED TO GET
THIS MUCH HOMEWORK.
- YOU SEE, DEBRA?
IT'S NOT JUST ME!
TALK TO MY WIFE.
- I THOUGHT IT WAS JUST ME.
BILLY'S BEEN SO SWAMPED
I HAD TO CANCEL CELLO AND LATIN.
- THAT'S TERRIBLE.
THOSE ARE GOOD THINGS!
- DOES MISS PURCELL EVEN KNOW
WHAT SHE'S DOING TO US?
- YOU KNOW,
I THINK MAYBE
SOMEBODY SHOULD DEFINITELY
SPEAK UP, DON'T YOU THINK?
[all talking over each other]
- ...DON'T TELL ANYTHING BAD.
[gulps]
- IS EVERYTHING OKAY?
- GO AHEAD, RAY.
- NO, NO, NO.
IT'S NOTHING.
IT'S JUST SOME OF THE PEOPLE
WERE THINKING
THAT MAYBE THERE'S
A LITTLE TOO MUCH HOMEWORK
YOU KNOW,
FOR THE KIDS--
EVERYBODY'S KIDS...
MAYBE.
- WELL, IT'S WHAT
THE DISTRICT THINKS IS NECESSARY
FOR THE CHILDREN TO KEEP PACE
WITH THE CURRICULUM.
- OH, CURRICULUM.
CURRICULUM.
- YOU KNOW,
WE HAVE A MEETING MONDAY
WITH THE CURRICULUM
REVIEW BOARD,
AND THEY ALWAYS WELCOME INPUT
FROM PARENTS.
- OKAY, WELL,
GOOD LUCK WITH THAT.
YEAH.
[shrieks]
- YOU KNOW WHAT,
I THINK RAY WOULD BE
A PERFECT SPOKESMAN FOR US.
- HEY, I SECOND THAT!
- YES!
- NO, NO!
NO, NO.
A SPOKESMAN--A SPOKESMAN
SHOULD BE A GUY
WHO'S NOT AFRAID
OF PUBLIC SPEAKING.
I'M--I'M WETTING MYSELF NOW.
- I THINK YOU'RE BEING
TOO HARD ON YOURSELF.
- WAY TOO HARD.
- OH, YES.
- WE COULD REALLY USE YOU.
IF WE'RE GOING TO REDUCE
THE 5TH GRADE WORKLOAD,
WE'RE GOING TO HAVE
TO TELL THEM WHAT TO CUT.
- YOU KEEP SAYING "WE."
I'M QUITE A BUSY FELLOW.
- WELL, YOU HAVE
ALMOST A WEEK.
WE JUST NEED YOU
TO READ THROUGH
THE CURRENT CURRICULUM
AND FIGURE OUT
WHERE YOU FEEL
IT'S REDUNDANT.
I CAN'T TELL YOU HOW VALUABLE
YOUR INPUT IS GOING TO BE.
- YEAH, BUT, YOU SEE,
I'M NOT A TEACHER; I'M NOT--
- WHEN THE TEACHERS
BRING THIS UP,
THE BOARD JUST THINKS
WE'RE TRYING TO GET OUT OF WORK.
BUT THEY KNOW THAT'S NOT TRUE
WHEN IT COMES FROM A PARENT.
[electronic chirping]
- COME ON.
YOU GOT
A BETTER CONTROL.
OH--HEY! HEY!
YOU BLEW ME UP!
WE'RE ON THE SAME SIDE.
I'M NOT A ZOMBIE!
- NOBODY BELIEVES YOU, MAN.
- THAT'S HOW YOU'RE GONNA PLAY?
- YES, IT IS.
- ALL RIGHT, THEN,
WE'RE GONNA PLAY.
- COME ON!
COME ON!
TRY AND GET ME,
YOU BIG LOAD!
YOU CAN'T DO IT!
YOU CAN'T DO IT, SUCKER!
- YOU ARE SO LUCKY.
- RAY, DID YOU FINISH
GOING THROUGH
ALL THIS CURRICULUM STUFF?
- YEAH. YEAH, I DID.
- THOSE BOOKS HAVEN'T MOVED
SINCE YOU BROUGHT THEM HOME.
- I'M GONNA GET 'EM, DEBRA,
IT'S JUST RIGHT NOW
I'M ENTERTAINING A GUEST.
A-HA!
- THE REVIEW BOARD
IS TOMORROW MORNING.
YOU HAVE WASTED
THE ENTIRE WEEKEND.
- YOU'RE RIGHT, DEBRA,
I'M SORRY.
- HEY, COME ON.
- CUBBY, YOU CAN'T PLAY
VIDEO GAMES
IF YOU HAVEN'T FINISHED
YOUR HOMEWORK.
- I'M GONNA GET TO IT.
- WHEN?
- YOU KNOW, RAYMOND, EVERY DAY
AT THE END OF MY SHIFT,
I HAVE A MOUNTAIN OF PAPERWORK,
AND YOU KNOW WHEN I DO IT?
- WHEN YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE OUT
BUYING NOSE HAIR CLIPPERS?
- I DO IT RIGHT AWAY,
BECAUSE THERE IS
NO WORSE FEELING
THAN WHEN YOU'VE PUT SOMETHING
OFF TO THE LAST SECOND,
AND IT'S GETTING DARK,
AND THE CLOCK IS TICKING,
AND YOU REALIZE
YOU'RE NEVER GONNA MAKE IT.
- GO.
GET OUT OF HERE.
- [clicking tongue]
- GET OUT OF HERE!
- ALL RIGHT.
VERY WELL.
- WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
- BUT JUST SO YOU
WON'T BE DISTRACTED,
I'M GONNA TAKE
THIS LITTLE ITEM WITH ME.
- IT'S NOT YOURS!
- THIS WAY, YOU CAN GET
ALL YOUR WORK DONE.
AND BY TOMORROW MORNING,
I SHALL BE
THE GREATEST ZOMBIE HUNTER
OF ALL TIME.
THAT'S RIGHT.
[mouthing words]
- ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT,
I'LL GET STARTED.
BUT, YOU KNOW,
I'M JUST GONNA TELL 'EM
TO CUT EVERYTHING IN HALF '
CAUSE IT'S TOO MUCH.
- YOU CAN'T JUST TELL 'EM
TO CUT THINGS.
YOU HAVE
TO GIVE THEM REASONS.
YOU HAVE TO FILL OUT
ALL THOSE EVALUATION FORMS.
- NO WAY!
YOU HAVE TO HELP ME.
- LISTEN, I HAVE DONE
FOUR LOADS OF LAUNDRY,
PAID ALL THE BILLS,
PUT THREE KIDS TO BED.
I HAVE DONE MY JOB.
YOU DO YOURS.
AS A MATTER OF FACT,
I'M GONNA GO TO SLEEP.
GOOD NIGHT.
- JUST SO YOU KNOW,
YOU COULD HAVE HAD SEX TONIGHT.
IT WAS GONNA BE GOOD.
ALL NEW STUFF.
[groans]
WHAT THE HELL?
[sighs]
- SURE, I CAN HELP YOU
WITH THIS, RAYMOND.
IT DOESN'T SEEM
ALL THAT DIFFICULT.
- I KNOW.
IT'S JUST I DIDN'T THINK THERE
WOULD BE SO MUCH, YOU KNOW?
AND IT'S ALREADY 10:30,
AND OF COURSE,
DEBRA NEVER WANTS TO HELP ME.
- THAT'S ALL RIGHT.
THAT'S WHAT MOTHERS ARE FOR.
BUT MAYBE NEXT TIME YOU'LL BE
A LITTLE MORE RESPONSIBLE
AND DO THINGS ON TIME
SO I COULD BE PROUD OF YOU.
- I'M SORRY.
- OKAY.
- WHAT'S GOIN' ON IN THERE?
- WHAT'S THE MATTER, FRANK?
- OH.
I THOUGHT YOU WERE EATING
THAT LAST PIECE OF PIE.
- I'M HELPING RAYMOND
WITH HIS SCHOOL PROJECT.
- ALL RIGHT, THEN.
I'M GONNA EAT THAT PIE
SO I KNOW WHERE IT IS.
- HEY, DAD,
LET ME GET A SLIVER OF THAT.
- NICE TRY.
- RAYMOND, PAY ATTENTION.
WHY DON'T WE START
WITH LITERATURE
AND READING COMPREHENSION
GUIDELINES, OKAY?
"BASED ON THE READINGS
OF MARK TWAIN'S 'TOM SAWYER,'
"WHICH OF THE FOLLOWING
WOULD YOU RECOMMEND
"FOR 5TH GRADE HOMEWORK,
AND WHY?
"A) A BOOK REPORT,
INCLUDING COVER ART...
- [grunts]
- "AND ILLUSTRATIONS;
"B) AN ORAL REPORT USING
PERIOD MUSIC AND COSTUMES,
"C) A CRAFT PROJECT BASED ON
"THE PRE-INDUSTRIAL ERA
ON THE MISSISSIPPI,
"OR D) A FICTIONAL DIARY
ON ONE OF THE CHARACTERS?"
RAYMOND!
- OW!
WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?
- I LIKE PIE.
- RAYMOND, PAY ATTENTION.
I'M GONNA READ YOU THIS AGAIN.
- NO, NOT AGAIN, ALL RIGHT?
I HEARD IT ALREADY.
- [chuckles]
- HOW ABOUT WE DON'T MAKE
THE KIDS READ "TOM SAWYER"?
- WHAT?
IT'S AN AMERICAN CLASSIC.
- ALL RIGHT, THEN.
I SAY "A."
- GOOD.
WHY?
- "B."
- RAYMOND, DON'T PLAY GAMES
WITH ME.
WE NEED
TO DO THIS PROPERLY.
NOW, IF YOU'RE GOING
TO EXPLAIN "TOM SAWYER,"
WHICH OF THESE
WOULD YOU RECOMMEND
TO THE SCHOOL BOARD,
AND WHY?
- YOU NEVER READ "TOM SAWYER,"
DID YOU?
- WELL, YES, I DID.
- WHAT'S IT ABOUT?
- A BOY NAMED TOM SAWYER.
EAT YOUR PIE.
- RAYMOND.
YOU NEVER READ
"TOM SAWYER"?
- WELL, ALL RIGHT, I DIDN'T.
SO WHAT?
- YOU NEVER READ "TOM SAWYER"?
- AND YOU NEVER READ "LEGENDARY
RUNNING BACKS OF THE NFL."
- THAT'S SPORTS.
- THAT'S RIGHT, MA,
A SPORTS BOOK.
A SPORTS BOOK!
THAT'S BECAUSE
THAT'S WHAT I LIKED!
ALL THIS STUFF
THEY MAKE YOU DO IN SCHOOL,
THAT'S WHAT THEY THINK
IS IMPORTANT.
I DID--I READ WHAT I WANTED TO,
AND LOOK AT ME.
I AM SOMEONE WHO DID NOT
READ "TOM SAWYER,"
AND YET I DID NOT TURN OUT
TO BE A HOBO.
- WELL, I'M VERY DISAPPOINTED.
- ME TOO!
ANY COOKIES?
- OBVIOUSLY YOU JUST DID
ENOUGH WORK TO GET BY,
AND NOW YOU'RE PROUD OF IT.
- WELL, YEAH!
I AM PROUD OF IT!
ALL THOSE SPORTS BOOKS
I READ
AND ALL THE SPORTS
I WATCHED ON TV,
THAT'S HOW I GOT TO BE
WHERE I'M AT.
- "THAT'S HOW I GOT TO BE
WHERE I'M AT"?
- YEAH.
THAT'S RIGHT.
- YOU'RE A WRITER,
AND THAT'S HOW YOU USE
THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE?
- WHAT?
WHAT ARE YOU TALKIN' ABOUT?
- YOU DO NOT END A SENTENCE
WITH "AT."
- ALL RIGHT.
BIG DEAL.
I ENDED IT
WITH A PROPOSITION.
- PREPOSITION.
IT'S A PREP--
OH, MY GOD!
- WHAT? WHAT? WHAT ARE YOU
GETTING SO UPSET ABOUT?
- BECAUSE THIS IS
THE END OF CIVILIZATION!
PEOPLE LIKE YOU DON'T WANT
TO WORK OR LEARN ANYTHING,
BECAUSE THEY'RE TOO BUSY WITH
THEIR REMOTE CONTROL TELEVISION
OR PLAYING WITH
THEIR HULA-HOOPS!
AND BEFORE YOU KNOW IT,
THAT'S WHERE WE'RE AT!
- WHERE ARE THE COOKIES AT?
- ALL RIGHT, LOOK,
FORGET ABOUT IT.
MA, I'LL DO IT.
RELAX, OKAY? GIVE IT TO ME.
- NO, NO, NO,
I'M NOT GIVING YOU THIS.
THIS IS TOO IMPORTANT
TO GIVE TO SOMEONE
WITH YOUR KIND OF ATTITUDE
ABOUT EDUCATION.
- SO YOU GOT WHAT
I WAS SAYIN' THERE--GOOD.
- OH, KNOCK IT OFF, RAY.
YOU GOT YOUR MOMMY DOING
YOUR HOMEWORK FOR YOU?
- I HAVE TO, DEBRA.
IT TURNS OUT
I RAISED AN ILLITERATE.
- CAN I ASK YOU SOMETHING, RAY?
WHAT WILL IT TAKE FOR YOU TO
GET INVOLVED IN SOMETHING, HM?
I MEAN, THE NEIGHBORHOOD WATCH
DIDN'T DO IT FOR YOU.
THE CHURCH CARNIVAL WASN'T
FOR YOU.
YOU SAID, "THE LORD DOESN'T NEED
ME TO SIT IN A DUNKING BOOTH."
AND NOW EVEN YOUR CHILDREN'S
EDUCATION ISN'T ENOUGH.
SO I WAS JUST WONDERING,
WHEN WILL SOMETHING
BE IMPORTANT ENOUGH
FOR YOU TO TAKE A STAND?
- OW!
- I ALSO THINK WE SHOULD
INTRODUCE HISTORIOGRAPHY
AS SOON AS POSSIBLE.
IT WOULD BE HIGHLY BENEFICIAL
TO ALL THE 5TH AND 6TH GRADERS.
THANK YOU.
- THANK YOU, MISS SILVER.
NOW, I BELIEVE WE'RE UP
TO ONE OF OUR PARENTS,
MR. RAYMOND BARONE.
MR. BARONE?
- [clears throat]
HI.
[chuckles]
THANK YOU.
ALL RIGHT.
WOW.
I WAS UP ALL NIGHT
GOIN' OVER THE MATERIAL,
AND...
WELL...
I JUST GOT
A FEW THINGS TO SAY.
YOU KNOW, WHEN I WAS A KID,
I ALWAYS THOUGHT THAT WE HAD
TOO MUCH HOMEWORK.
AND SINCE I HATED
ALL THE HOMEWORK,
I STARTED
TO HATE LEARNING.
IN FACT, WHAT I LEARNED
TO DO MORE THAN ANYTHING ELSE
WAS TO AVOID THE WORK.
I'M SORRY TO SAY I STILL TRY
TO AVOID IT WHENEVER I CAN.
JUST ASK MY WIFE.
[chuckles]
BUT, YOU KNOW, IT SEEMS TO ME
LIKE THE KIDS TODAY,
THEY'VE GOT TEN TIMES
THE HOMEWORK THAT WE HAD.
YOU KNOW, AND I DON'T WANT
MY DAUGHTER TO HATE LEARNING.
I WANT HER TO BE CURIOUS
AND THOUGHTFUL
AND GET EXCITED
ABOUT NEW IDEAS.
AND MOST OF ALL--
AND I THINK THIS IS WHAT
WE WANT FOR ALL OUR KIDS--
I WANT HER TO BE HAPPY.
I MEAN, I THINK
THERE'S HOMEWORK
THAT'S IMPORTANT
AND EVERYTHING,
AND THEN I THINK
THERE'S OVERLOAD.
I MEAN,
ARE WE PILING IT ON?
YOU KNOW, WE'RE SO WORRIED
ABOUT THE KIDS
WON'T BE COMPETITIVE
AND OUR KIDS
WON'T HAVE A FUTURE
THAT WE'RE TAKING AWAY
THEIR PRESENT.
ANYWAY, SO,
YOU KNOW,
MAYBE WE CAN JUST KEEP
THAT IN MIND,
'CAUSE ISN'T THAT
THE KIND OF SCHOOL
THAT WE WANT OUR CHILDREN
TO BE AT?
I MEAN IN.
I MEAN OF.
I MEAN A PART OF.
I MEAN, ISN'T THAT--
ISN'T THAT THE KIND OF SCHOOL
THAT WE WANT OUR CHILDREN
TO BE A PART OF?
IN.
- AND YOU WANTED TO CUT DOWN
ON THE ENGLISH HOMEWORK.
- HEY, WHAT ARE YOU DOIN'?
- GRANDMA'S HELPING ME
WITH MY HOMEWORK.
- OH.
WANT ME TO HELP?
- THAT'S ALL RIGHT, DEAR.
WE'RE WORKING ON GRAMMAR
RIGHT NOW.
- ALL RIGHT, THEN,
I'LL BE SURE
AND KEEP THE TV DOWN.
- WAIT A MINUTE, RAYMOND.
YOU HAVE SOME WORK TOO.
- "TOM SAWYER."
- YOU NEED TO READ THAT.
- NO, MOM,
I TOLD YOU, I DON'T.
- YES, YOU DO.
I READ "LEGENDARY
RUNNING BACKS OF THE NFL."
- YEAH, RIGHT.
- POOR GALE SAYERS.
FIRST TO LOSE A FRIEND
LIKE BRIAN PICCOLO,
AND THEN TO HAVE
A CAREER CUT SHORT
BECAUSE OF
ALL HIS KNEE INJURIES.
GO.
READ.
- YOU PROBABLY JUST READ
THE ONE CHAPTER.
- JIM BROWN AVERAGED
5.2 YARDS PER CARRY
FOR HIS ENTIRE CAREER.
- DAMN YOU.