Everybody Loves Raymond (1996–2005): Season 7, Episode 2 - Counseling - full transcript
Ray and Debra go to marriage counseling to workout their problems.
[TV playing]
[turns off TV]
- RAY, COULD YOU GET UP
AND HELP ME, PLEASE?
WE GOTTA SHAMPOO THE RUG
BEFORE THEY COME OVER TONIGHT.
- SHAMPOO THE RUG?
IT'S BERNIE AND LINDA.
I'M NOT EVEN GONNA
SHAMPOO MYSELF.
- WELL, WHEN THEY PASS OUT
FROM YOUR SMELL,
I WANT THEM TO LAND
ON A CLEAN RUG, OKAY?
COME ON, GET UP.
LET'S GO.
- COME ON, I'M TIRED.
I DROVE THE KIDS
TO ALL THEIR CRAP.
I'D LIKE TO SIT DOWN
FOR A LITTLE WHILE.
- WELL, ME TOO.
COME ON!
- OW! WHY DO YOU
ALWAYS DO THIS, HUH?
EVERY TIME WE HAVE
PEOPLE OVER,
WE SPEND ALL DAY
MAKING THE FAKE HOUSE.
IT'S THE WAY THE HOUSE
SHOULD BE ALL THE TIME.
- YES, BUT IT ISN'T, SO ACTUALLY
IT'S LIKE LYING, HUH, RIGHT?
IS THAT WHAT YOU'RE ABOUT,
LYING TO PEOPLE?
- COULD YOU JUST START CLEARING
EVERYTHING OFF THE RUG, PLEASE?
- I REALLY DON'T SEE THE NEED.
- RAY, I SAID HELP ME!
- I DON'T SEE THE NEED!
- SO YOU'RE JUST GONNA SIT THERE
WHILE I DO ALL THE WORK?
- I HAD THE KIDS
THE WHOLE MORNING!
- BECAUSE I WAS CLEANING!
- WELL, STOP IT ALREADY!
- RAY, SERIOUSLY,
GET UP AND HELP ME.
- NO.
- GET UP.
- NO.
- RAY.
- LISTEN, YOU KNOW
WHAT YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND?
I WORK HARD ALL DAY.
I GOT A LOT OF STRESS.
I COME HOME AND I'M--
[turns on vacuum]
[turns on TV]
OH, YEAH!
HA HA HA!
YEAH!
- WOW, DEBRA,
WHAT A MEAL.
- LOUDER, SO THEY CAN
HEAR IT ACROSS THE STREET.
- HOW ABOUT THAT RUG?
CLEAN, THOUGH, HUH?
THAT'S THE MOST
IMPORTANT THING.
- WELL, IT'S GREAT
TO FINALLY SEE YOU GUYS.
- YEAH, I KNOW.
IT'S BEEN SO LONG.
- WE'RE STUCK AT HOME A LOT.
BENJAMIN BURNS THROUGH
BABY SITTERS PRETTY QUICK.
- YOU KNOW, HE'S JUST--
HE'S SPIRITED.
- I'M AFRAID OF HIM.
- OH, BERNIE,
DON'T EXAGGERATE.
- I'M NOT EXAGGERATING.
YOU SEE, YOU MINIMIZE
MY FEELINGS.
THIS IS WHAT PAMELA
WAS TALKING ABOUT.
- YOU KNOW WHAT?
YOU'RE RIGHT.
I'M SORRY. I'M SORRY.
- WHO'S PAMELA?
- OH, OUR THERAPIST.
- THERAPIST?
WHAT, YOU MEAN LIKE
A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR?
- YEAH, WE'VE BEEN GOING
FOR ABOUT A MONTH NOW.
WE REALLY
HAD TO DO SOMETHING.
WE WERE STARTING
TO FIGHT A LOT.
- HUH.
WHO WANTS COFFEE?
- SO IS IT HELPING?
- OH, YOU WOULDN'T
BELIEVE THE DIFFERENCE.
- REALLY?
HOW ABOUT SOME DRINKS,
PUT ON SOME MUSIC?
- YOU KNOW, IT'S SO GREAT
TO BE ABLE
TO TAKE OUR FIGHTS
TO A THIRD PARTY.
- YEAH, NOW I'VE ACTUALLY
WON A FEW.
[chuckles]
OF COURSE,
IT'S NOT ABOUT WINNING.
- PAMELA'S TRYING
TO HELP US UNDERSTAND
THE DEEPER REASONS
WHY WE FIGHT.
- THAT IS SO IMPORTANT,
BECAUSE--
- WHOA! WHOOPS!
DROPPED A CUP.
IT'S MY FAVORITE,
SO HOW ABOUT
A MOMENT OF SILENCE?
- I'LL HELP YOU.
- ANYWAY, I REALLY THINK
WE'RE COMMUNICATING BETTER.
NO, REALLY, BECAUSE I USED TO
TRY TO DISCUSS SOMETHING,
IN FRONT OF THE COMPUTER,
LIKE, "UHH...IT'S GLOWING."
[laughter]
- WELL, I GUESS THAT'S JUST
AN INSTINCTIVE RESPONSE
TO THE YELLING.
- WELL, YOU KNOW,
IF I AM YELLING,
IT'S JUST PROBABLY 'CAUSE
I'VE ASKED HIM ALREADY
TO TURN THE THING OFF
LIKE TEN TIMES.
[both sigh]
- SO PAMELA'S BEEN GREAT.
- YEAH, IT'S REALLY GREAT.
- I'M SORRY, HONEY.
I WAS JUST BEING
KIND OF, UH, PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE.
- YOU KNOW WHAT?
I STARTED IT.
I STARTED IT
WITH MY LITTLE HIDDEN AGENDA
ABOUT THE COMPUTER AND...
- WOW.
- WELL, OBVIOUSLY WE STILL
HAVE A LITTLE WORK TO DO.
- NO, BUT THE IMPORTANT THING
IS YOU'RE DOING IT.
THAT'S FANTAS--
[vacuum cleaner running]
- I DON'T WANT TO GO TO
COUNSELING!
- I KNOW THAT AFTER WHAT
BERNIE AND LINDA SAID THAT--
- YOU THINK I WANT US
TO GO TO COUNSELING?
- WHAT?
YOU DON'T?
- DO YOU THINK WE SHOULD GO
BECAUSE OF BERNIE AND LINDA?
- WHAT?
NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.
I JUST--I JUST THOUGHT,
YOU KNOW,
'CAUSE THEY HAD THEIR
LITTLE THING TONIGHT
AND AFTER THEY WERE ALL
HUGGY AND KISSY...
BUT THAT'S ONLY BECAUSE
THEY'RE DIFFERENT FROM US.
THEIR FIGHT
WAS ABOUT THE COMPUTER.
OURS WAS ABOUT THE TV.
AND THE TV
HAS BEEN AROUND FOR YEARS.
SO THAT'S VERY DIFFERENT.
- WE'RE GOING TO COUNSELING.
- NO!
- I ALREADY GOT PAMELA'S NUMBER
FROM LINDA.
- I DON'T WANT
TO GO TO COUNSELING!
- RAY, WE FIGHT ALL THE TIME.
- NO, NOT FIGHTS.
TIFFS, LITTLE TIFFS.
SWEETIE PIE, BABY...
SKINNY GIRL!
COME ON.
NO, NO COUNSELING.
- WHAT WOULD BE
SO TERRIBLE ABOUT IT?
- EVERYTHING.
WHAT DO YOU THINK'S
GONNA HAPPEN, WE'RE GONNA GO,
AND THE NEXT DAY
WE'RE GONNA GROW WINGS
AND FLY AROUND GIVING
EACH OTHER FOOT MASSAGES?
- IT'S JUST GETTING
A LITTLE HELP.
- WE DON'T NEED HELP.
- WHY DON'T WE LET PAMELA
DECIDE THAT?
- OH, YEAH,
AND THEN THERE'S THAT.
HMM...PAMELA...
WONDER WHOSE SIDE
SHE'S GONNA BE ON?
- OKAY, SO WE CAN GO TO A MAN.
- OH, YEAH.
YEAH, RIGHT.
"OH, YOU UNDERSTAND ME
SO MUCH BETTER THAN MY HUSBAND."
- AND YOU DON'T NEED THERAPY.
- LOOK, ALL THESE
THERAPIST PEOPLE WANT TO DO
IS GET YOU TO CRY.
- DON'T YOU WANT TO FIND
THE DEEPER REASONS
WHY WE FIGHT?
DON'T YOU WANT TO HAVE
A HEALTHIER MARRIAGE?
- NOT IF I HAVE TO CRY.
- IT'S NOT ABOUT THAT!
IT'S ABOUT
TRYING TO BE HAPPY.
- BUT WE ARE HAPPY!
LOOK AT US.
I LOVE YOU.
- GET OFF OF ME.
GET! GET OFF OF ME.
LISTEN, I AM MAKING
AN APPOINTMENT FOR COUNSELING,
BECAUSE WE ARE GONNA DO
WHATEVER IT TAKES
TO HEAL THIS MARRIAGE.
- STUPID MARRIAGE.
- SO, RAY AND DEBRA,
HOW LONG HAVE YOU TWO
BEEN MARRIED?
- THIRTEEN YEARS.
- TRUE.
SEE? NO ARGUMENT THERE.
- AND JUST GENERALLY SPEAKING,
WHAT MADE YOU DECIDE
TO COME HERE TODAY?
- UM, WELL, THIS IS SOMETHING
THAT'S LONG OVERDUE.
- OKAY.
WELL, THEN, DEBRA,
WHY DON'T YOU START?
- OKAY.
UM...
WELL, I JUST FEEL
THAT I WORK VERY HARD
TO KEEP THE HOUSE
UP AND RUNNING,
AND I GUESS I FEEL,
YOU KNOW,
KIND OF UNAPPRECIATED
BECAUSE...
[squeaks]
I JUST...
- HERE YOU GO.
- RAY, HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT
WHAT DEBRA'S EXPRESSING?
- UH...
I'M SORRY.
- OKAY.
ANYTHING ELSE?
RAY?
- OH, STILL ME?
OKAY.
WELL, UH...
YOU KNOW,
I JUST WANT TO SAY
THAT, I MEAN,
I WORK HARD TOO.
AND, YOU KNOW,
I COME HOME AND I'M TIRED,
AND I JUST...
I JUST...
I'M NOT GONNA BE ABLE
TO CRY LIKE THAT.
- PAMELA, COULD I JUST
SAY SOMETHING?
- SURE.
- JUST AS AN EXAMPLE,
LAST WEEK, RAY CAME HOME LATE
FROM GOLFING.
AND I GUESS GOLF IS KIND OF
A HOT-BUTTON ISSUE WITH ME,
AND WE HAD A FIGHT.
- RAY, DO YOU REMEMBER THIS?
- I DO.
I SHOT A 94.
- GO AHEAD, DEBRA.
- I HAD ALL THE KIDS,
AND I WAS EXPECTING HIM
HOME AT 2:00,
AND HE DIDN'T SHOW UP
UNTIL 5:00.
AND HIS EXPLANATION
FOR WHY IT TOOK SO LONG
WAS THAT HIS FRIEND GIANNI
WANTED TO PET A DEER.
OF THE KIND OF THING
THAT RAY ALWAYS DOES.
AND I UNDERSTAND THAT
WE NEED TIME TO OURSELVES,
BUT WHAT REALLY BOTHERS ME
IS THAT HE DOESN'T SEEM
TO WANT TO TAKE RESPONSIBILITY
FOR ANYTHING.
I JUST DON'T KNOW
WHAT TO DO ANYMORE.
- RAY?
- SHE'S RIGHT.
- WHAT?
- SHE'S TOTALLY RIGHT
BECAUSE, WELL...
I'VE BEEN TERRIBLY
INSENSITIVE WITH MY GOLF.
I THINK I USE GOLF
IN A ALMOST
PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE WAY.
- OKAY.
- BUT YOU KNOW
WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME?
I KNOW IT'S A PROBLEM,
I KNOW I HAVE TO CHANGE,
BUT THE NEXT THING
YOU KNOW,
I'M BACK
ON THE COURSE AGAIN.
- BUT IT SOUNDS LIKE
YOU ARE WILLING
TO LOOK AT YOUR BEHAVIOR,
WHICH IS A VERY GOOD START.
- WAIT. WHAT?
- BUT I GOTTA TELL YOU,
IT'S MORE THAN JUST THE GOLF.
DEBRA IS LIKE A SAINT.
YOU CAN'T BELIEVE THE THINGS
SHE HAS TO PUT UP WITH.
ONCE, I ACTUALLY TAPED
A FOOTBALL GAME
OVER OUR WEDDING VIDEO.
- PAMELA, CAN I JUST--
- WAIT, HOLD ON, HOLD ON.
LET'S LET RAY GET THIS OUT.
- IT'S PROBABLY THE WORST THING
A HUSBAND CAN DO, RIGHT?
ALL I COULD THINK OF
TO FIX IT
WAS TO ARRANGE TO HAVE
OUR WEDDING VOWS RENEWED.
- THAT'S NICE.
- I GUESS.
ACTUALLY, I THINK
THE WHOLE THING ENDED
- PAMELA, I THINK WE'RE GETTING
A LITTLE OFF TRACK HERE.
I MEAN, THIS ISN'T EXACTLY
THE RAY I GET AT HOME, YOU KNOW?
RIGHT NOW HE'S THE ONE
BEING A SAINT.
- WELL, LET'S TRY
TO HAVE THE PERSPECTIVE
THAT NEITHER ONE OF US
IS A SAINT, OKAY?
- YEAH, OKAY, SURE.
- I'M SORRY THAT
I CALLED HER A SAINT BEFORE.
STUPID!
- IT'S OKAY, RAYMOND.
NO, YOU'RE DOING JUST FINE.
OKAY, NOW, YOU TWO OBVIOUSLY
HAVE ISSUES TO RESOLVE,
BUT ONE THING TO KEEP IN MIND
IS THAT HAVING
OCCASIONAL ARGUMENTS IS NORMAL,
AND IT'S EVEN HEALTHY.
SO WHAT WE'LL DO IS, WE'LL TRY
TO FIND OUT THE DEEPER REASONS
WHY YOU ARGUE SO THAT
WE CAN BEGIN TO CHANGE ANY--
ANY PARTICULARLY
HARMFUL BEHAVIOR.
- [sighs]
- AND ONE THING THAT
YOU'VE GOT GOING FOR YOU HERE
IS AN ATTITUDE OF COOPERATION.
BELIEVE ME, SOME PARTNERS
HAVE TO BE DRAGGED INTO THIS
KICKING AND SCREAMING.
- WAIT A MINUTE.
WAIT A MINUTE.
- PAMELA, I'M GONNA DO
WHATEVER IT TAKES
TO HEAL THIS MARRIAGE.
[TV playing]
- OH, MY GOD. WHAT DID SHE SAY?
IS THERE HOPE?
- I TOLD YOU WE SHOULD HAVE
SAID WE WENT TO A MOVIE.
- COUNSELING, HUH?
I CAME OVER
AS SOON AS I HEARD.
- SO, MARIE,
ARE THE KIDS ASLEEP?
- YES, AND I'M GONNA DO MY BEST
TO MAKE SURE
THEY REMAIN UNTRAUMATIZED.
- I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU TWO
WENT TO A SHRINK.
HE'S THE ONE
WITH THE PROBLEMS.
- LET'S KEEP THIS
ON RAYMOND, SHALL WE?
PERSONALLY, DEB,
I THINK IT'S ABOUT TIME
THAT A NEUTRAL PARTY
BE BROUGHT IN
TO SET HIM STRAIGHT
ON JUST HOW GREAT HE'S GOT IT.
- WELL,
THAT'S NOT WHAT HAPPENED,
BECAUSE THE RAYMOND WE ALL KNOW
DISAPPEARED AS SOON
AS WE GOT THERE.
- WHAT, WHAT?
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
- OH, YOU WERE OPEN
AND CONSIDERATE
AND WILLING TO LOOK
AT YOUR OWN FAULTS.
YOU MADE ME SICK!
- EXCUSE ME, BUT I SPENT
THE WHOLE TIME
SAYING "I'M SORRY."
WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT?
- OH, YOU ARE SO FULL OF IT.
- DO YOU MIND?
LISTEN.
- YOU MANIPULATED
THE WHOLE THING.
HOW DO YOU EXPECT
TO MAKE ANY PROGRESS
IF YOU GO IN THERE
PLAYING A CHARACTER?
TO GET BLAMED FOR EVERYTHING,
AND PAMELA LIKED ME.
- SHE DIDN'T LIKE YOU,
'CAUSE YOU WEREN'T THERE!
- WHAT ARE YOU HIDING, MAN?
WHAT'S IN THERE?
- SOUNDS TO ME
LIKE YOU DID GOOD, RAY.
NAME, RANK, AND SERIAL NUMBER.
NEVER OPEN UP.
KEEP THE ENEMY IN THE DARK.
- YOU'RE AN IGNORAMUS.
IF ANYBODY EVER OPENED YOU UP,
ALL THEY'D FIND IS MEAT.
- NO SON OF MINE
NEEDS COUNSELING,
EXCEPT THE BIG ONE.
- YOU DIDN'T GO IN THERE TO FIND
OUT WHAT'S WRONG WITH US.
YOU WENT IN THERE TO FIND OUT
WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME.
YOU CAN FIGURE IT OUT YOURSELF
'CAUSE I'M NOT GOING BACK.
- OH, YES, YOU ARE.
- NO, NO WAY.
YOU HEARD HER YOURSELF.
SHE SAID WE WERE NORMAL.
- SHE DIDN'T SAY THAT.
WHAT ROOM WERE YOU IN?
SHOULDN'T YOU BE WORRIED
ABOUT THE DEEPER REASONS
BEHIND HOW YOU'RE REACTING?
- I THINK YOU BETTER WORRY
ABOUT HOW I'M REACTING.
- HARMFUL BEHAVIOR!
HARMFUL BEHAVIOR!
- YOU'RE JUST A BIG PHONY,
AND YOU KNOW IT!
- OH, I WISH PAMELA
COULD SEE YOU NOW!
- OKAY, OKAY, OKAY.
[Debra and Raymond yelling]
- ALL RIGHT.
COME ON, STOP IT, YOU TWO.
- I GOTTA SAY,
THE COUNSELING DOESN'T SEEM
TO BE WORKING.
- NOW, I WANT YOU TO SIT DOWN,
AND LET'S TRY TO TALK THIS OUT.
- MARIE, I AM NOT
SITTING DOWN--
- PLEASE, DEBRA.
I MAY NOT BE
A CERTIFIED THERAPIST,
BUT I'VE BEEN TOLD
BY MANY PEOPLE THAT I COULD BE.
- THAT'S NOT WHAT THEY MEAN
WHEN THEY SAY
YOU'RE CERTIFIABLE.
- I HAPPEN TO BE VERY GOOD
AT THINGS
RELATING TO FEELINGS.
I MEAN, I'VE BEEN MARRIED
FOR 45 YEARS,
AND IF THERE'S
ONE THING I UNDERSTAND,
IT'S HOW AWFUL
A HUSBAND CAN BE.
- OKAY.
- RAYMOND.
- NO, NO,
YOU'RE ON HER SIDE.
LISTEN, BERNIE AND LINDA
CAME IN
AND THEY SAID
THEY WENT TO COUNSELING,
AND SHE GOT IT IN HER HEAD
THAT WE SHOULD GO,
AND WE DON'T NEED TO.
- OH, POOR RAYMOND.
NEVER LEARNED HOW TO GET ALONG
WITH OTHER HUMAN BEINGS.
- BE QUIET, ROBBIE.
- YEAH, SHUT UP.
- NO, YOU SHUT UP.
- ASS.
- ASS!
- QUIET!
DEBRA, DID YOU WANT
TO GO TO COUNSELING
- NO, OF COURSE NOT.
I MEAN, LOOK AT HOW WE FIGHT.
THE VERY MORNING THEY
CAME OVER, WE WERE FIGHTING.
- AND WHAT DO YOU FIGHT ABOUT?
- ABOUT HOW NUTS SHE GOES
CLEANING WHEN PEOPLE COME OVER.
ALL I WANT TO DO IS RELAX
FOR ONCE AND WATCH A LITTLE TV,
AND SHE ASKED ME
TO SHAMPOO THE RUG.
- WHAT?
YOU CAN'T HELP OUT A LITTLE?
- WHAT?
YOU DON'T HELP OUT.
- ASS.
- YES.
- JUST TO BE CLEAR,
WHEN I WANT MY HOME
TO LOOK NICE,
IS THERE ANYTHING WRONG
WITH ASKING RAY TO HELP ME?
- THAT'S CERTAINLY VALID.
AND, RAYMOND,
YOU OF ALL PEOPLE SHOULD KNOW
THAT IF YOU WANT YOUR HOUSE
TO LOOK NICE,
DEBRA NEEDS HELP.
- LISTEN, CAN'T I SOMETIMES
WATCH A LITTLE TV?
I MEAN, WHAT'S WRONG WITH THAT?
- ALSO VALID.
AND, DEBRA, IT'S IMPORTANT
FOR YOU TO KEEP IN MIND
THAT RAYMOND
IS A VERY HARD WORKER
AND SOMETIMES
NEEDS TO RELAX.
- OF COURSE,
BUT WHY IS IT SUCH A BATTLE
TO GET YOU TO DO ANYTHING?
- I DON'T KNOW.
- THAT'S WHY I WANT
TO GO TO COUNSELING.
I DON'T THINK IT'S
THAT YOU'RE JUST LAZY.
I THINK THERE'S
A DEEPER REASON BEHIND THIS,
AND IF WE COULD
JUST FIGURE IT OUT,
- COME ON, YOU KNOW ME.
THERE'S NOT MUCH DEEPNESS.
I JUST--I LIKE
TO BE TAKEN CARE OF.
- BUT YOU GOTTA UNDERSTAND, RAY,
THAT THAT'S NOT A WIFE;
THAT'S A MOTHER.
- WELL,
MAYBE THAT'S WHAT I WANT.
- HOLY CRAP!
- NO, NO,
ON THE CONTRARY, DAD,
I THINK WE'VE MADE
QUITE A BREAKTHROUGH.
- NO. NO, NO.
- OH, NO, NO,
IT'S VERY SIMPLE, REALLY.
YOU SEE, APPARENTLY
THE DEEP REASONS
BEHIND THE FIGHTS
IS THAT YOU WISHED
YOU MARRIED YOUR MOTHER.
- THAT'S NOT WHAT I SAID.
- YES, YOU DID.
- WHY WOULD I SAY THAT?
- RAYMOND, RAYMOND,
THERE'S NOTHING WRONG
IN WHAT YOU JUST SAID.
- PLEASE STOP, MA!
STOP!
LISTEN, THAT'S--
THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEANT TO SAY.
DEBRA, COULD YOU CALL PAMELA
AND SEE IF SHE HAS
AN OPENING FOR RIGHT NOW?
- MAYBE SHE COULD MOVE IN.
- I THINK IT'S GETTING
KIND OF LATE, EVERYBODY.
RAY, YOU WANT TO GO UP?
- WE SHOULD--
WE SHOULD CALL PAMELA, RIGHT?
- UH, NO, I THINK SOME THINGS
ARE BETTER LEFT UNEXPLORED.
- BECAUSE I'M SICK.
THAT'S SICK WHAT I SAID.
- NO, NO.
I THINK YOU ARE JUST LAZY.
- YOU THINK SO? THAT'S IT.
YEAH, I'M A LAZY GUY.
- SWEET DREAMS.
YOU WANT MOMMY
TO TUCK YOU IN?
- HEY.
- HEY.
WHAT DO YOU WANT?
- AH, NOTHING.
I WAS JUST
FEELING A LITTLE GUILTY
OVER MY LAUGHING
AT YOUR PREDICAMENT YESTERDAY.
- WELL, YOU KNOW, WHATEVER.
I MEAN,
DEBRA AND I TALKED IT OUT.
WE'RE FINE NOW.
AND THE TRUTH IS,
IT'S GOOD THAT YOU GUYS
ACKNOWLEDGED THAT YOU
HAD A PROBLEM
AND YOU TOOK THE RIGHT STEPS
TO DEAL WITH IT.
MAYBE I SHOULD HAVE DONE THAT
WHEN I WAS MARRIED, HUH?
- HMM.
ALL RIGHT, WELL, THANKS.
THANKS, MAN.
- ALL RIGHT, LOOK,
I KNOW YOU'RE FEELING BAD,
SO I GOT YOU SOMETHING.
ENJOY, YOU SICK BASTARD.
[turns off TV]
- RAY, COULD YOU GET UP
AND HELP ME, PLEASE?
WE GOTTA SHAMPOO THE RUG
BEFORE THEY COME OVER TONIGHT.
- SHAMPOO THE RUG?
IT'S BERNIE AND LINDA.
I'M NOT EVEN GONNA
SHAMPOO MYSELF.
- WELL, WHEN THEY PASS OUT
FROM YOUR SMELL,
I WANT THEM TO LAND
ON A CLEAN RUG, OKAY?
COME ON, GET UP.
LET'S GO.
- COME ON, I'M TIRED.
I DROVE THE KIDS
TO ALL THEIR CRAP.
I'D LIKE TO SIT DOWN
FOR A LITTLE WHILE.
- WELL, ME TOO.
COME ON!
- OW! WHY DO YOU
ALWAYS DO THIS, HUH?
EVERY TIME WE HAVE
PEOPLE OVER,
WE SPEND ALL DAY
MAKING THE FAKE HOUSE.
IT'S THE WAY THE HOUSE
SHOULD BE ALL THE TIME.
- YES, BUT IT ISN'T, SO ACTUALLY
IT'S LIKE LYING, HUH, RIGHT?
IS THAT WHAT YOU'RE ABOUT,
LYING TO PEOPLE?
- COULD YOU JUST START CLEARING
EVERYTHING OFF THE RUG, PLEASE?
- I REALLY DON'T SEE THE NEED.
- RAY, I SAID HELP ME!
- I DON'T SEE THE NEED!
- SO YOU'RE JUST GONNA SIT THERE
WHILE I DO ALL THE WORK?
- I HAD THE KIDS
THE WHOLE MORNING!
- BECAUSE I WAS CLEANING!
- WELL, STOP IT ALREADY!
- RAY, SERIOUSLY,
GET UP AND HELP ME.
- NO.
- GET UP.
- NO.
- RAY.
- LISTEN, YOU KNOW
WHAT YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND?
I WORK HARD ALL DAY.
I GOT A LOT OF STRESS.
I COME HOME AND I'M--
[turns on vacuum]
[turns on TV]
OH, YEAH!
HA HA HA!
YEAH!
- WOW, DEBRA,
WHAT A MEAL.
- LOUDER, SO THEY CAN
HEAR IT ACROSS THE STREET.
- HOW ABOUT THAT RUG?
CLEAN, THOUGH, HUH?
THAT'S THE MOST
IMPORTANT THING.
- WELL, IT'S GREAT
TO FINALLY SEE YOU GUYS.
- YEAH, I KNOW.
IT'S BEEN SO LONG.
- WE'RE STUCK AT HOME A LOT.
BENJAMIN BURNS THROUGH
BABY SITTERS PRETTY QUICK.
- YOU KNOW, HE'S JUST--
HE'S SPIRITED.
- I'M AFRAID OF HIM.
- OH, BERNIE,
DON'T EXAGGERATE.
- I'M NOT EXAGGERATING.
YOU SEE, YOU MINIMIZE
MY FEELINGS.
THIS IS WHAT PAMELA
WAS TALKING ABOUT.
- YOU KNOW WHAT?
YOU'RE RIGHT.
I'M SORRY. I'M SORRY.
- WHO'S PAMELA?
- OH, OUR THERAPIST.
- THERAPIST?
WHAT, YOU MEAN LIKE
A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR?
- YEAH, WE'VE BEEN GOING
FOR ABOUT A MONTH NOW.
WE REALLY
HAD TO DO SOMETHING.
WE WERE STARTING
TO FIGHT A LOT.
- HUH.
WHO WANTS COFFEE?
- SO IS IT HELPING?
- OH, YOU WOULDN'T
BELIEVE THE DIFFERENCE.
- REALLY?
HOW ABOUT SOME DRINKS,
PUT ON SOME MUSIC?
- YOU KNOW, IT'S SO GREAT
TO BE ABLE
TO TAKE OUR FIGHTS
TO A THIRD PARTY.
- YEAH, NOW I'VE ACTUALLY
WON A FEW.
[chuckles]
OF COURSE,
IT'S NOT ABOUT WINNING.
- PAMELA'S TRYING
TO HELP US UNDERSTAND
THE DEEPER REASONS
WHY WE FIGHT.
- THAT IS SO IMPORTANT,
BECAUSE--
- WHOA! WHOOPS!
DROPPED A CUP.
IT'S MY FAVORITE,
SO HOW ABOUT
A MOMENT OF SILENCE?
- I'LL HELP YOU.
- ANYWAY, I REALLY THINK
WE'RE COMMUNICATING BETTER.
NO, REALLY, BECAUSE I USED TO
TRY TO DISCUSS SOMETHING,
IN FRONT OF THE COMPUTER,
LIKE, "UHH...IT'S GLOWING."
[laughter]
- WELL, I GUESS THAT'S JUST
AN INSTINCTIVE RESPONSE
TO THE YELLING.
- WELL, YOU KNOW,
IF I AM YELLING,
IT'S JUST PROBABLY 'CAUSE
I'VE ASKED HIM ALREADY
TO TURN THE THING OFF
LIKE TEN TIMES.
[both sigh]
- SO PAMELA'S BEEN GREAT.
- YEAH, IT'S REALLY GREAT.
- I'M SORRY, HONEY.
I WAS JUST BEING
KIND OF, UH, PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE.
- YOU KNOW WHAT?
I STARTED IT.
I STARTED IT
WITH MY LITTLE HIDDEN AGENDA
ABOUT THE COMPUTER AND...
- WOW.
- WELL, OBVIOUSLY WE STILL
HAVE A LITTLE WORK TO DO.
- NO, BUT THE IMPORTANT THING
IS YOU'RE DOING IT.
THAT'S FANTAS--
[vacuum cleaner running]
- I DON'T WANT TO GO TO
COUNSELING!
- I KNOW THAT AFTER WHAT
BERNIE AND LINDA SAID THAT--
- YOU THINK I WANT US
TO GO TO COUNSELING?
- WHAT?
YOU DON'T?
- DO YOU THINK WE SHOULD GO
BECAUSE OF BERNIE AND LINDA?
- WHAT?
NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.
I JUST--I JUST THOUGHT,
YOU KNOW,
'CAUSE THEY HAD THEIR
LITTLE THING TONIGHT
AND AFTER THEY WERE ALL
HUGGY AND KISSY...
BUT THAT'S ONLY BECAUSE
THEY'RE DIFFERENT FROM US.
THEIR FIGHT
WAS ABOUT THE COMPUTER.
OURS WAS ABOUT THE TV.
AND THE TV
HAS BEEN AROUND FOR YEARS.
SO THAT'S VERY DIFFERENT.
- WE'RE GOING TO COUNSELING.
- NO!
- I ALREADY GOT PAMELA'S NUMBER
FROM LINDA.
- I DON'T WANT
TO GO TO COUNSELING!
- RAY, WE FIGHT ALL THE TIME.
- NO, NOT FIGHTS.
TIFFS, LITTLE TIFFS.
SWEETIE PIE, BABY...
SKINNY GIRL!
COME ON.
NO, NO COUNSELING.
- WHAT WOULD BE
SO TERRIBLE ABOUT IT?
- EVERYTHING.
WHAT DO YOU THINK'S
GONNA HAPPEN, WE'RE GONNA GO,
AND THE NEXT DAY
WE'RE GONNA GROW WINGS
AND FLY AROUND GIVING
EACH OTHER FOOT MASSAGES?
- IT'S JUST GETTING
A LITTLE HELP.
- WE DON'T NEED HELP.
- WHY DON'T WE LET PAMELA
DECIDE THAT?
- OH, YEAH,
AND THEN THERE'S THAT.
HMM...PAMELA...
WONDER WHOSE SIDE
SHE'S GONNA BE ON?
- OKAY, SO WE CAN GO TO A MAN.
- OH, YEAH.
YEAH, RIGHT.
"OH, YOU UNDERSTAND ME
SO MUCH BETTER THAN MY HUSBAND."
- AND YOU DON'T NEED THERAPY.
- LOOK, ALL THESE
THERAPIST PEOPLE WANT TO DO
IS GET YOU TO CRY.
- DON'T YOU WANT TO FIND
THE DEEPER REASONS
WHY WE FIGHT?
DON'T YOU WANT TO HAVE
A HEALTHIER MARRIAGE?
- NOT IF I HAVE TO CRY.
- IT'S NOT ABOUT THAT!
IT'S ABOUT
TRYING TO BE HAPPY.
- BUT WE ARE HAPPY!
LOOK AT US.
I LOVE YOU.
- GET OFF OF ME.
GET! GET OFF OF ME.
LISTEN, I AM MAKING
AN APPOINTMENT FOR COUNSELING,
BECAUSE WE ARE GONNA DO
WHATEVER IT TAKES
TO HEAL THIS MARRIAGE.
- STUPID MARRIAGE.
- SO, RAY AND DEBRA,
HOW LONG HAVE YOU TWO
BEEN MARRIED?
- THIRTEEN YEARS.
- TRUE.
SEE? NO ARGUMENT THERE.
- AND JUST GENERALLY SPEAKING,
WHAT MADE YOU DECIDE
TO COME HERE TODAY?
- UM, WELL, THIS IS SOMETHING
THAT'S LONG OVERDUE.
- OKAY.
WELL, THEN, DEBRA,
WHY DON'T YOU START?
- OKAY.
UM...
WELL, I JUST FEEL
THAT I WORK VERY HARD
TO KEEP THE HOUSE
UP AND RUNNING,
AND I GUESS I FEEL,
YOU KNOW,
KIND OF UNAPPRECIATED
BECAUSE...
[squeaks]
I JUST...
- HERE YOU GO.
- RAY, HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT
WHAT DEBRA'S EXPRESSING?
- UH...
I'M SORRY.
- OKAY.
ANYTHING ELSE?
RAY?
- OH, STILL ME?
OKAY.
WELL, UH...
YOU KNOW,
I JUST WANT TO SAY
THAT, I MEAN,
I WORK HARD TOO.
AND, YOU KNOW,
I COME HOME AND I'M TIRED,
AND I JUST...
I JUST...
I'M NOT GONNA BE ABLE
TO CRY LIKE THAT.
- PAMELA, COULD I JUST
SAY SOMETHING?
- SURE.
- JUST AS AN EXAMPLE,
LAST WEEK, RAY CAME HOME LATE
FROM GOLFING.
AND I GUESS GOLF IS KIND OF
A HOT-BUTTON ISSUE WITH ME,
AND WE HAD A FIGHT.
- RAY, DO YOU REMEMBER THIS?
- I DO.
I SHOT A 94.
- GO AHEAD, DEBRA.
- I HAD ALL THE KIDS,
AND I WAS EXPECTING HIM
HOME AT 2:00,
AND HE DIDN'T SHOW UP
UNTIL 5:00.
AND HIS EXPLANATION
FOR WHY IT TOOK SO LONG
WAS THAT HIS FRIEND GIANNI
WANTED TO PET A DEER.
OF THE KIND OF THING
THAT RAY ALWAYS DOES.
AND I UNDERSTAND THAT
WE NEED TIME TO OURSELVES,
BUT WHAT REALLY BOTHERS ME
IS THAT HE DOESN'T SEEM
TO WANT TO TAKE RESPONSIBILITY
FOR ANYTHING.
I JUST DON'T KNOW
WHAT TO DO ANYMORE.
- RAY?
- SHE'S RIGHT.
- WHAT?
- SHE'S TOTALLY RIGHT
BECAUSE, WELL...
I'VE BEEN TERRIBLY
INSENSITIVE WITH MY GOLF.
I THINK I USE GOLF
IN A ALMOST
PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE WAY.
- OKAY.
- BUT YOU KNOW
WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME?
I KNOW IT'S A PROBLEM,
I KNOW I HAVE TO CHANGE,
BUT THE NEXT THING
YOU KNOW,
I'M BACK
ON THE COURSE AGAIN.
- BUT IT SOUNDS LIKE
YOU ARE WILLING
TO LOOK AT YOUR BEHAVIOR,
WHICH IS A VERY GOOD START.
- WAIT. WHAT?
- BUT I GOTTA TELL YOU,
IT'S MORE THAN JUST THE GOLF.
DEBRA IS LIKE A SAINT.
YOU CAN'T BELIEVE THE THINGS
SHE HAS TO PUT UP WITH.
ONCE, I ACTUALLY TAPED
A FOOTBALL GAME
OVER OUR WEDDING VIDEO.
- PAMELA, CAN I JUST--
- WAIT, HOLD ON, HOLD ON.
LET'S LET RAY GET THIS OUT.
- IT'S PROBABLY THE WORST THING
A HUSBAND CAN DO, RIGHT?
ALL I COULD THINK OF
TO FIX IT
WAS TO ARRANGE TO HAVE
OUR WEDDING VOWS RENEWED.
- THAT'S NICE.
- I GUESS.
ACTUALLY, I THINK
THE WHOLE THING ENDED
- PAMELA, I THINK WE'RE GETTING
A LITTLE OFF TRACK HERE.
I MEAN, THIS ISN'T EXACTLY
THE RAY I GET AT HOME, YOU KNOW?
RIGHT NOW HE'S THE ONE
BEING A SAINT.
- WELL, LET'S TRY
TO HAVE THE PERSPECTIVE
THAT NEITHER ONE OF US
IS A SAINT, OKAY?
- YEAH, OKAY, SURE.
- I'M SORRY THAT
I CALLED HER A SAINT BEFORE.
STUPID!
- IT'S OKAY, RAYMOND.
NO, YOU'RE DOING JUST FINE.
OKAY, NOW, YOU TWO OBVIOUSLY
HAVE ISSUES TO RESOLVE,
BUT ONE THING TO KEEP IN MIND
IS THAT HAVING
OCCASIONAL ARGUMENTS IS NORMAL,
AND IT'S EVEN HEALTHY.
SO WHAT WE'LL DO IS, WE'LL TRY
TO FIND OUT THE DEEPER REASONS
WHY YOU ARGUE SO THAT
WE CAN BEGIN TO CHANGE ANY--
ANY PARTICULARLY
HARMFUL BEHAVIOR.
- [sighs]
- AND ONE THING THAT
YOU'VE GOT GOING FOR YOU HERE
IS AN ATTITUDE OF COOPERATION.
BELIEVE ME, SOME PARTNERS
HAVE TO BE DRAGGED INTO THIS
KICKING AND SCREAMING.
- WAIT A MINUTE.
WAIT A MINUTE.
- PAMELA, I'M GONNA DO
WHATEVER IT TAKES
TO HEAL THIS MARRIAGE.
[TV playing]
- OH, MY GOD. WHAT DID SHE SAY?
IS THERE HOPE?
- I TOLD YOU WE SHOULD HAVE
SAID WE WENT TO A MOVIE.
- COUNSELING, HUH?
I CAME OVER
AS SOON AS I HEARD.
- SO, MARIE,
ARE THE KIDS ASLEEP?
- YES, AND I'M GONNA DO MY BEST
TO MAKE SURE
THEY REMAIN UNTRAUMATIZED.
- I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU TWO
WENT TO A SHRINK.
HE'S THE ONE
WITH THE PROBLEMS.
- LET'S KEEP THIS
ON RAYMOND, SHALL WE?
PERSONALLY, DEB,
I THINK IT'S ABOUT TIME
THAT A NEUTRAL PARTY
BE BROUGHT IN
TO SET HIM STRAIGHT
ON JUST HOW GREAT HE'S GOT IT.
- WELL,
THAT'S NOT WHAT HAPPENED,
BECAUSE THE RAYMOND WE ALL KNOW
DISAPPEARED AS SOON
AS WE GOT THERE.
- WHAT, WHAT?
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
- OH, YOU WERE OPEN
AND CONSIDERATE
AND WILLING TO LOOK
AT YOUR OWN FAULTS.
YOU MADE ME SICK!
- EXCUSE ME, BUT I SPENT
THE WHOLE TIME
SAYING "I'M SORRY."
WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT?
- OH, YOU ARE SO FULL OF IT.
- DO YOU MIND?
LISTEN.
- YOU MANIPULATED
THE WHOLE THING.
HOW DO YOU EXPECT
TO MAKE ANY PROGRESS
IF YOU GO IN THERE
PLAYING A CHARACTER?
TO GET BLAMED FOR EVERYTHING,
AND PAMELA LIKED ME.
- SHE DIDN'T LIKE YOU,
'CAUSE YOU WEREN'T THERE!
- WHAT ARE YOU HIDING, MAN?
WHAT'S IN THERE?
- SOUNDS TO ME
LIKE YOU DID GOOD, RAY.
NAME, RANK, AND SERIAL NUMBER.
NEVER OPEN UP.
KEEP THE ENEMY IN THE DARK.
- YOU'RE AN IGNORAMUS.
IF ANYBODY EVER OPENED YOU UP,
ALL THEY'D FIND IS MEAT.
- NO SON OF MINE
NEEDS COUNSELING,
EXCEPT THE BIG ONE.
- YOU DIDN'T GO IN THERE TO FIND
OUT WHAT'S WRONG WITH US.
YOU WENT IN THERE TO FIND OUT
WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME.
YOU CAN FIGURE IT OUT YOURSELF
'CAUSE I'M NOT GOING BACK.
- OH, YES, YOU ARE.
- NO, NO WAY.
YOU HEARD HER YOURSELF.
SHE SAID WE WERE NORMAL.
- SHE DIDN'T SAY THAT.
WHAT ROOM WERE YOU IN?
SHOULDN'T YOU BE WORRIED
ABOUT THE DEEPER REASONS
BEHIND HOW YOU'RE REACTING?
- I THINK YOU BETTER WORRY
ABOUT HOW I'M REACTING.
- HARMFUL BEHAVIOR!
HARMFUL BEHAVIOR!
- YOU'RE JUST A BIG PHONY,
AND YOU KNOW IT!
- OH, I WISH PAMELA
COULD SEE YOU NOW!
- OKAY, OKAY, OKAY.
[Debra and Raymond yelling]
- ALL RIGHT.
COME ON, STOP IT, YOU TWO.
- I GOTTA SAY,
THE COUNSELING DOESN'T SEEM
TO BE WORKING.
- NOW, I WANT YOU TO SIT DOWN,
AND LET'S TRY TO TALK THIS OUT.
- MARIE, I AM NOT
SITTING DOWN--
- PLEASE, DEBRA.
I MAY NOT BE
A CERTIFIED THERAPIST,
BUT I'VE BEEN TOLD
BY MANY PEOPLE THAT I COULD BE.
- THAT'S NOT WHAT THEY MEAN
WHEN THEY SAY
YOU'RE CERTIFIABLE.
- I HAPPEN TO BE VERY GOOD
AT THINGS
RELATING TO FEELINGS.
I MEAN, I'VE BEEN MARRIED
FOR 45 YEARS,
AND IF THERE'S
ONE THING I UNDERSTAND,
IT'S HOW AWFUL
A HUSBAND CAN BE.
- OKAY.
- RAYMOND.
- NO, NO,
YOU'RE ON HER SIDE.
LISTEN, BERNIE AND LINDA
CAME IN
AND THEY SAID
THEY WENT TO COUNSELING,
AND SHE GOT IT IN HER HEAD
THAT WE SHOULD GO,
AND WE DON'T NEED TO.
- OH, POOR RAYMOND.
NEVER LEARNED HOW TO GET ALONG
WITH OTHER HUMAN BEINGS.
- BE QUIET, ROBBIE.
- YEAH, SHUT UP.
- NO, YOU SHUT UP.
- ASS.
- ASS!
- QUIET!
DEBRA, DID YOU WANT
TO GO TO COUNSELING
- NO, OF COURSE NOT.
I MEAN, LOOK AT HOW WE FIGHT.
THE VERY MORNING THEY
CAME OVER, WE WERE FIGHTING.
- AND WHAT DO YOU FIGHT ABOUT?
- ABOUT HOW NUTS SHE GOES
CLEANING WHEN PEOPLE COME OVER.
ALL I WANT TO DO IS RELAX
FOR ONCE AND WATCH A LITTLE TV,
AND SHE ASKED ME
TO SHAMPOO THE RUG.
- WHAT?
YOU CAN'T HELP OUT A LITTLE?
- WHAT?
YOU DON'T HELP OUT.
- ASS.
- YES.
- JUST TO BE CLEAR,
WHEN I WANT MY HOME
TO LOOK NICE,
IS THERE ANYTHING WRONG
WITH ASKING RAY TO HELP ME?
- THAT'S CERTAINLY VALID.
AND, RAYMOND,
YOU OF ALL PEOPLE SHOULD KNOW
THAT IF YOU WANT YOUR HOUSE
TO LOOK NICE,
DEBRA NEEDS HELP.
- LISTEN, CAN'T I SOMETIMES
WATCH A LITTLE TV?
I MEAN, WHAT'S WRONG WITH THAT?
- ALSO VALID.
AND, DEBRA, IT'S IMPORTANT
FOR YOU TO KEEP IN MIND
THAT RAYMOND
IS A VERY HARD WORKER
AND SOMETIMES
NEEDS TO RELAX.
- OF COURSE,
BUT WHY IS IT SUCH A BATTLE
TO GET YOU TO DO ANYTHING?
- I DON'T KNOW.
- THAT'S WHY I WANT
TO GO TO COUNSELING.
I DON'T THINK IT'S
THAT YOU'RE JUST LAZY.
I THINK THERE'S
A DEEPER REASON BEHIND THIS,
AND IF WE COULD
JUST FIGURE IT OUT,
- COME ON, YOU KNOW ME.
THERE'S NOT MUCH DEEPNESS.
I JUST--I LIKE
TO BE TAKEN CARE OF.
- BUT YOU GOTTA UNDERSTAND, RAY,
THAT THAT'S NOT A WIFE;
THAT'S A MOTHER.
- WELL,
MAYBE THAT'S WHAT I WANT.
- HOLY CRAP!
- NO, NO,
ON THE CONTRARY, DAD,
I THINK WE'VE MADE
QUITE A BREAKTHROUGH.
- NO. NO, NO.
- OH, NO, NO,
IT'S VERY SIMPLE, REALLY.
YOU SEE, APPARENTLY
THE DEEP REASONS
BEHIND THE FIGHTS
IS THAT YOU WISHED
YOU MARRIED YOUR MOTHER.
- THAT'S NOT WHAT I SAID.
- YES, YOU DID.
- WHY WOULD I SAY THAT?
- RAYMOND, RAYMOND,
THERE'S NOTHING WRONG
IN WHAT YOU JUST SAID.
- PLEASE STOP, MA!
STOP!
LISTEN, THAT'S--
THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEANT TO SAY.
DEBRA, COULD YOU CALL PAMELA
AND SEE IF SHE HAS
AN OPENING FOR RIGHT NOW?
- MAYBE SHE COULD MOVE IN.
- I THINK IT'S GETTING
KIND OF LATE, EVERYBODY.
RAY, YOU WANT TO GO UP?
- WE SHOULD--
WE SHOULD CALL PAMELA, RIGHT?
- UH, NO, I THINK SOME THINGS
ARE BETTER LEFT UNEXPLORED.
- BECAUSE I'M SICK.
THAT'S SICK WHAT I SAID.
- NO, NO.
I THINK YOU ARE JUST LAZY.
- YOU THINK SO? THAT'S IT.
YEAH, I'M A LAZY GUY.
- SWEET DREAMS.
YOU WANT MOMMY
TO TUCK YOU IN?
- HEY.
- HEY.
WHAT DO YOU WANT?
- AH, NOTHING.
I WAS JUST
FEELING A LITTLE GUILTY
OVER MY LAUGHING
AT YOUR PREDICAMENT YESTERDAY.
- WELL, YOU KNOW, WHATEVER.
I MEAN,
DEBRA AND I TALKED IT OUT.
WE'RE FINE NOW.
AND THE TRUTH IS,
IT'S GOOD THAT YOU GUYS
ACKNOWLEDGED THAT YOU
HAD A PROBLEM
AND YOU TOOK THE RIGHT STEPS
TO DEAL WITH IT.
MAYBE I SHOULD HAVE DONE THAT
WHEN I WAS MARRIED, HUH?
- HMM.
ALL RIGHT, WELL, THANKS.
THANKS, MAN.
- ALL RIGHT, LOOK,
I KNOW YOU'RE FEELING BAD,
SO I GOT YOU SOMETHING.
ENJOY, YOU SICK BASTARD.