Everybody Loves Raymond (1996–2005): Season 7, Episode 12 - Grandpa Steals - full transcript
When Ally witnesses Frank, stealing food from the supermarket, she starts avoiding him.
- WHY DO WE HAVE
TO GO SHOPPING?
- IT'S JUST A COUPLE
OF THINGS, ALL RIGHT?
COME ON,
STOP WHINING.
- I WANT TO GO HOME!
- WHAT DID I SAY?
- THIS IS BORING.
- LOOK, JUST BE GOOD, AND WE'LL
STOP BY THE RUM DEPARTMENT.
GO GET US A THING
OF BROCCOLI, ALLY.
- I HATE BROCCOLI.
- HEY, YOUR MOM
MAKES THE LIST, OKAY?
IF IT WAS UP TO ME,
IT'D BE ALL MARSHMALLOWS.
GO.
LET'S GET
SOME MARSHMALLOWS.
- EXCUSE ME.
NO FREE SAMPLING.
- I'M NOT SAMPLING.
I'VE HAD THIS BEFORE.
- YEAH, RIGHT, WELL,
IT'S NOT A SNACK BAR.
- RELAX, PAL,
I JUST TOOK A LITTLE.
- YEAH, WELL, IF EVERYBODY
STEALS A LITTLE,
THE STORE GOES A LITTLE BIT
OUT OF BUSINESS.
- WHAT, ARE YOU
CALLING ME A THIEF?
- ONLY 'CAUSE YOU'RE
TAKING SOMETHING
WITHOUT PAYING FOR IT.
- HOW MUCH DID I TAKE,
A NICKEL'S WORTH?
HERE.
HERE'S A QUARTER.
KEEP THE CHANGE.
- DON'T THROW MONEY AT ME.
- OH, YEAH?
WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO?
- LET'S GO, DAD.
SORRY.
I'M REAL SORRY.
- HEY, DON'T APOLOGIZE FOR ME.
HE'S THE ONE BLOWING A GASKET
OVER A HANDFUL OF BIRDSEED.
- IT'S CALLED STEALING,
CUE BALL!
- I GOT HAIR, PORKY!
- DON'T TURN YOUR BACK ON ME!
I'M STANDING RIGHT HERE.
- WE'RE GONNA GO.
WE'RE GONNA GO.
DAD, LET'S GO
LOOK AT SOME MEAT.
- YEAH, YEAH,
LET'S GET OUT OF HERE.
- YOU GOT PROBLEMS, PAL.
- HEY, I'M A VETERAN!
- OKAY, DAD, OKAY!
- LOOK AT HIM!
YOU TELL ME HE'S NEVER
DONE ANY SAMPLING?
- COME ON, DAD!
- [sighs]
I'M GOING BACK TO TEACHING.
[upbeat rock music]
- [singing] JUNGLE LOVE
IT'S DRIVING ME MAD
IT'S MAKING ME CRAZY,
CRAZY
JUNGLE LOVE
IT'S DRIVING ME MAD
IT'S MAKING ME CRAZY,
CRAZY
JUNGLE LOVE
IT'S DRIVING ME MAD
IT'S MAKING ME CRAZY,
CRAZY
JUNGLE LOVE
IT'S DRIVING ME MAD
IT'S MAKING ME CRAZY
- RAY, CAN I HAVE SOME CHIPS?
- WHY DON'T YOU GO TO AMY
FOR CHIPS?
- I GO TO AMY'S...
FOR OTHER THINGS.
- HERE'S YOUR CHIPS,
AND I OWE YOU A NIGHTMARE.
- RAY, WHAT HAPPENED
WITH YOUR DAD TODAY
AT THE SUPERMARKET?
- WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
- ALLY'S PRETTY UPSET.
SHE SAID HE WAS SCREAMING
AND CALLING A MAN NAMES.
- IT WAS NOTHING.
THE PRODUCE GUY
ACCUSED HIM OF STEALING.
- WAS HE STEALING?
- HE WAS SAMPLING
THE TRAIL MIX.
- YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED
TO SAMPLE THE TRAIL MIX.
- HENCE THE HULLABALOO.
- SO ALLY SAW
YOUR FATHER STEAL FOOD
AND THEN WATCHED HIM
MAKE A BIG SCENE IN PUBLIC.
- AH, HER FIRST TIME.
A RITE OF PASSAGE.
I REMEMBER MINE--
THE NEW YORK STATE THRUWAY,
DAD THROWING PENNIES
AT THE TOLL COLLECTOR.
- YEAH.
THIS TIME
HE THREW A QUARTER.
- INFLATION.
[both laughing]
- HEY, IT'S NOT FUNNY.
IT'S NOT FUNNY.
WHY CAN'T HE BEHAVE HIMSELF?
- WHY CAN'T A DOG
PLAY THE TRUMPET?
- [chuckling]
- IT'S NOT FUNNY,
ROBERT.
- WHAT?
IT'S NO BIG DEAL.
YOU WANT ME
TO TALK TO HER?
- NO, I DON'T WANT YOU
TO TALK TO HER.
I WANT YOU
TO TALK TO HIM.
- I'LL TALK TO HER.
- NO, RAY.
YOUR FATHER HAS TO REALIZE
THAT HE'S NOT A GORILLA.
HE'S GOT GRANDKIDS.
HE HAS TO SET AN EXAMPLE.
- YOU KNOW, YOU REALLY SHOULD
GO SAY SOMETHING TO HIM.
- WHY DON'T YOU?
- DON'T NEED TO.
YOUR DAUGHTER,
YOUR PROBLEM.
- YOU'RE STUPID.
YOU'RE UGLY.
- COME ON, YOU GOT TO
SAY SOMETHING.
- [groans]
- [whispering] TALK TO HIM.
- [whispering] LOOK AT HIM.
HE'S SO PEACEFUL.
- FOR CRYING OUT LOUD,
I'LL DO IT.
- NO, YOU'RE TOO MEAN.
- WHAT?
- NOTHING.
I'LL DO IT.
HEY, DAD, CAN WE TURN
THIS OFF FOR A SECOND?
- HEY!
- WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
- WE'RE WATCHING HERE.
- ALL RIGHT, LOOK, DAD.
WE THINK YOU SHOULD KNOW
THAT ALLY WAS KIND OF UPSET
ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED
WITH THE GUY AT THE MARKET.
- OKAY.
TURN THE TV BACK ON.
- WAIT A SECOND.
WHAT HAPPENED?
- AW, THE JACKASS FRUIT GUY
ACCUSED ME OF STEALING.
- FRANK, PLEASE!
THEY'RE "HOMOSEXUALS."
- NO, THE GUY WHO WORKS
IN THE FRUIT DEPARTMENT,
THE FAT ONE.
- JIMMY?
OH, I LOVE HIM.
HE'S THE ONE WHO GETS ME
THE GOOD PEACHES.
WHAT WERE YOU STEALING?
- NOTHING--
I JUST TOOK A LITTLE
OF THE SNACKING MIX
OUT OF THE THING.
- OH, WELL,
THAT'S NOT STEALING.
- TECHNICALLY, MOM,
IT IS THEFT.
PETTY THEFT.
UNLESS YOU ATE MORE
THAN A HUNDRED DOLLARS' WORTH.
DID YOU?
- NO, I DIDN'T,
OFFICER DOOFUS.
BESIDES, I PAID FOR IT.
- WELL, YOU--YOU THREW
A QUARTER AT THE GUY.
- TOSSED.
- FRANK, IS THIS REALLY
THE WAY YOU WANT TO BEHAVE
IN FRONT OF
YOUR GRANDDAUGHTER?
- YOU KNOW, DEBRA,
FAR BE IT FROM ME
TO EVER
TAKE HIS SIDE,
BUT I DO THINK
IT'S HORRIBLE
WHAT'S HAPPENED
TO THAT STORE.
THEY USED TO GIVE YOU
SAMPLES ALL THE TIME.
AND THEY ALSO USED TO HELP YOU
TAKE YOUR BAGS TO THE CAR.
- NOW I HAVE TO TAKE YOU
TO THE CAR MYSELF.
- I WAS ON YOUR SIDE.
- FRANK, STEALING IS ONLY
A PART OF THIS.
WHY DID YOU HAVE
TO LOSE YOUR TEMPER
AND THEN YELL
AT THE GUY?
- HE WAS YELLING AT ME!
- BUT THERE'S OTHER WAYS
TO HANDLE THE SITUATION.
- HEY, YOU WEREN'T THERE.
THE GUY HAD IT COMING!
- BUT NOT WITH
YOUR GRANDDAUGHTER WATCHING.
IT COULD AFFECT HER.
I STILL TWITCH AT TOLLBOOTHS.
- YOU KNOW WHAT?
I'M GLAD ALLY SAW THAT.
SHE'S GOT TO LEARN YOU CAN'T
TAKE CRAP FROM PEOPLE!
- FRANK...
HAVE YOU EVER
HEARD THE SAYING,
"IT TAKES A VILLAGE
TO RAISE A CHILD?"
I BELIEVE THAT.
AND I BELIEVE THAT YOU'RE
A PART OF OUR VILLAGE.
WE'RE JUST TRYING
TO TEACH 'EM PROPER VALUES.
- LISTEN, I DON'T KNOW
WHAT THE HELL VILLAGE
YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT.
BUT I LIVE
IN REAL WORLD, USA.
SO YOU CAN SPARE ME
YOUR LECTURE.
- WAIT, YOU LISTEN TO ME!
- COME WITH ME FOR A MINUTE.
- SOMETHING HAS TO BE DONE!
HE'S A PUBLIC MENACE!
- I KNOW, I KNOW.
- I THINK OUR VILLAGE
FOUND ITS IDIOT.
WHY DIDN'T YOU
LET ME KILL HIM?
- WELL, THAT WOULD BE
VERY NICE, DEAR.
BUT THE TRUTH IS, THIS ALL
COULD'VE BEEN AVOIDED
IF RAYMOND HAD HANDLED HIM
BETTER IN THE SUPERMARKET.
- WHAT? WHAT?
HE WAS AN ANIMAL!
- YES, AND YOU LET HIM
OFF HIS LEASH.
IF YOU TAKE A DOG
TO A SUPERMARKET,
AND HE HAS AN ACCIDENT
IN THE FROZEN FOOD AISLE,
IS IT THE DOG'S FAULT?
- DID DAD EVER DO THAT?
- I'M SAYING,
YOU KNOW HOW YOUR FATHER IS.
AND THERE ARE WAYS TO PREVENT
THIS KIND OF SCENE.
FIRST OF ALL,
I TRY TO BE WITH HIM
IF HE'S EVER GOING TO BE
ANYWHERE THERE MIGHT BE PEOPLE.
- BUT RAY WAS WITH HIM.
WHAT WAS HE
SUPPOSED TO DO?
- BEFORE YOU EVEN GOT
TO THE SNACK SECTION,
YOU SHOULD'VE HAD
A HERSHEY BAR OR A ZAGNUT
HERE IN YOUR POCKET.
- THAT'S TRUE.
HE RESPONDS TO TREATS.
- DO YOU KNOW WHY
THIS KIND OF THING
DOESN'T HAPPEN
WHEN I'M AROUND?
BECAUSE I COMPENSATE.
HE'S HORRIBLE,
AND I HAVE A CERTAIN...
- WELL,
THAT'S GREAT, MARIE.
SO YOU WANT TO BE WITH HIM
ALL THE TIME, THEN?
- UH, NO.
- WELL, SOMEBODY NEEDS
TO STRAIGHTEN HIM OUT.
- NO, NO, LEAVE HIM.
HE'LL WATCH TELEVISION,
THEN I'LL TAKE HIM HOME,
MAKE SOME CANNELLONI,
HE'LL BURP,
AND HE'LL FEEL BETTER.
- YOU'RE AN ENABLER.
YOU'RE ACTUALLY REWARDING
HIS HORRIBLE BEHAVIOR
WITH ITALIAN FOOD.
- THAT'S EXACTLY
HOW THE MAFIA WORKS.
- WELL, I'M GONNA
SPEAK TO HIM.
- PUT SOME CANDY
IN YOUR POCKET!
[thumping on stairs]
- MOMMY, CAN YOU PLAY
TWISTER WITH US?
- HEY, YEAH,
THAT'S A GOOD IDEA, MOMMY.
WE CAN ALL PLAY,
LIKE A HAPPY FAMILY.
- TWISTER STINKS!
HEY, KIDS, YOU WANT TO
WATCH SOMETHING FUNNY?
SIT DOWN.
"ABBOT AND COSTELLO
MEET THE MUMMY."
HEY, ALLY, COME HERE.
- MOM, MAY I PLEASE
GO PLAY COMPUTER?
- UH, SURE, HONEY,
FOR A LITTLE WHILE.
- WHAT WAS THAT ABOUT?
ALL OF A SUDDEN
I HAVE THE PLAGUE?
WHAT DID YOU
SAY TO HER?
- I DIDN'T SAY A WORD.
WANT SOME CANDY?
- IF YOU DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING,
THEN YOU DID.
YOU BAD-MOUTHED ME,
DIDN'T YOU?
- I DID NOT.
WE TOLD YOU, ALLY HAD
SOME STRONG FEELINGS
ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED.
- OH, WHAT A COINCIDENCE.
SHE JUST HAPPENS
TO BE FEELING
THE SAME THING
THAT YOU TWO WERE THINKING.
- MAYBE IT WAS WHAT
HER GRANDFATHER WAS DOING.
- TURNING A KID
AGAINST HER GRANDPA.
REAL CLASSY!
- [sighs]
- COULDN'T MIND
YOUR OWN BUSINESS?
- THAT'S SOMETHING
TO WORK ON, DEBRA.
- HEY.
- IT'S ALL SQUISHY!
OH, HEY.
WHAT'S UP?
I'M WORKING.
- NOTHING.
IS THE, UH...
GIRL AROUND?
- ALLY?
- YEAH.
- YEAH.
THE GIRL'S IN THE BACKYARD.
- LISTEN, I WAS THINKING
MAYBE I SHOULD HAVE
A TALK WITH HER.
- OH, YEAH?
- YEAH.
I, UH...
I WANT TO HAVE
A TALK WITH HER.
- OKAY, ALL RIGHT, SO--
SO HAVE A TALK WITH HER.
- NO BIG DEAL
OR ANYTHING.
WHAT DO I
SAY TO HER?
- WHAT?
- WHAT DO I
SAY TO HER?
I'VE NEVER
TALKED TO HER.
- I THINK I'VE SEEN YOU
TALK TO HER.
- NO.
I'VE READ HER STORIES,
I'VE STOLEN HER NOSE,
I'VE TOLD HER,
"HEY, GET DOWN FROM THERE!"
BUT I'VE NEVER
TALKED TO HER.
WHAT DO I DO?
- UH, ALL RIGHT, JUST...
YOU KNOW,
START KIND OF EASY.
SAY SOMETHING NICE
OR START WITH A JOKE.
YOU KNOW, AND THEN JUST SAY
WHAT YOU WANT TO...
TO THE GIRL.
- WHAT JOKE DO I TELL?
- I DON'T KNOW.
OKAY.
WHAT DID THE BIG CHIMNEY
SAY TO THE LITTLE CHIMNEY?
- WHAT?
- YOU'RE TOO YOUNG TO SMOKE.
- THAT'S TERRIBLE.
- IT'S A KIDS' JOKE.
- I'M NOT DOING THAT JOKE.
- ALL RIGHT.
DON'T DO A JOKE, THEN.
JUST TALK, ALL RIGHT?
YOU DON'T GOT TO START
WITH ANYTHING.
SHE KNOWS YOU.
YOU'RE GRANDPA.
SHE'S FAMILIAR
WITH YOUR WORK.
- ALL RIGHT.
COME WITH ME.
- NO.
WHAT ARE YOU SO SCARED OF?
YOU WERE IN A WAR!
- THAT WAS DIFFERENT.
THEY GAVE ME A RIFLE.
- JUST GLAD
THEY TOOK IT BACK.
- I'M GONNA GET YOU!
I'M GONNA GET YOU!
- HEY, KIDS, WHAT,
ARE YOU PLAYING HERE?
HEY, COME ON, BOYS.
GO INSIDE.
YOUR DAD'S GOT CANDY AND
CHOCOLATE FUDGEY BALLS FOR YOU.
GO ON INSIDE.
HEY, ALLY, CAN I TALK
TO YOU FOR A SECOND?
- OKAY.
- CAN WE, UH,
SIT SOMEWHERE?
[metal buckling]
OKAY, UH...
SO, ALLY, WHAT DID
THE MEXICAN FIRE CHIEF
NAME HIS TWO SONS?
JOSE AND HOSE "B."
THAT WAS ONE
OF YOUR FATHER'S JOKES.
SO LISTEN, ALLY.
I, UH...
I UNDERSTAND YOU WERE
MAD OR SOMETHING
ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED
AT THE SUPERMARKET.
BUT WHAT YOU DON'T
UNDERSTAND IS THAT--
- YOU TOOK THAT STUFF,
AND THEN YOU YELLED
AT THAT MAN.
IT WAS SCARY.
- HEY, LISTEN...
[metal buckling]
YOU DON'T EVER NEED
TO BE SCARED OF ME.
YOU SEE, WHAT I DID
WAS TAKE A LITTLE SAMPLE.
AND THAT'S NOT STEALING.
IN FACT, THEY CALL IT SAMPLING.
- BUT THE SIGN SAID
"NO SAMPLING."
- OH, YOU'RE READING NOW.
I'M PROUD OF YOU.
THAT'S GOOD.
BUT, SEE, I THINK
THE SIGN IS WRONG.
I THINK THEY SHOULD ALLOW
PEOPLE TO SAMPLE
BECAUSE THAT WAY,
IF YOU TRY IT,
YOU MIGHT
WANT TO BUY IT.
BUT I COULD NEVER GET TO THAT
BECAUSE OF THAT JACK--
MAN.
- YOU WERE
YELLING AT HIM.
- [sighs] LISTEN, ALLY,
PEOPLE GET MAD
AT PEOPLE SOMETIMES.
YOU GET MAD
AT PEOPLE SOMETIMES,
LIKE YOUR LITTLE BROTHERS THERE.
THEY MUST BE ANNOYING
AS HELL, AM I RIGHT?
SO, ANYWAY, I MEAN,
WHEN THEY REALLY BOTHER YOU,
YOU YELL AT THEM JUST THE WAY
I YELLED AT THE FRUIT GUY.
YOU KNOW?
BUT JUST BECAUSE
YOU YELL AT SOMEBODY,
IT DOESN'T MEAN
YOU'RE A BAD PERSON.
DOES IT?
RIGHT.
- BUT IF I DO THAT,
THEN I HAVE
TO APOLOGIZE TO THEM.
- NOT ALL OF THE TIME.
- YEAH, ALL THE TIME.
- [sighs]
HEY, YOU KNOW WHAT?
WHAT--
[makes honking noise]
I GOT YOUR NOSE.
BUT THAT'S NOT STEALING,
IT'S ONLY BORROWING,
BECAUSE I'M GIVING IT BACK.
THAT USED TO GET
A BIG LAUGH.
YOU'RE TOO SMART
FOR THAT NOW.
[sighs]
HEY, YOU KNOW WHAT?
I'LL SEE YOU LATER.
[groans]
I'M NOT SO SCARY,
AM I?
- NOT MORE THAN GRANDMA.
THERE HE IS, GRANDPA.
- YUP, THERE HE IS.
GRAZING OVER
BY THE TOMATOES.
- DAD.
- ALL RIGHT, I'M WRONG.
HE'S SKINNY.
- BE NICE.
- GO AWAY.
[clears throat]
UH, EXCUSE ME.
I DON'T KNOW
IF YOU REMEMBER ME.
I WAS IN HERE,
UH, LET'S SEE...
THIS MORNING.
- YEAH.
WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO NOW?
PUT A TURKEY
DOWN YOUR PANTS?
- [chuckling]
NO.
NO, I JUST WANT
TO STRAIGHTEN OUT
A LITTLE MISUNDERSTANDING
ABOUT THE TRAIL MIX THERE.
- YEAH, BIG MISUNDERSTANDING.
LOOK, I'M A LITTLE BUSY,
ALL RIGHT?
- LISTEN, JIM,
I'M JUST TRYING
TO STRAIGHTEN THIS OUT,
ALL RIGHT?
- THERE'S NOTHING
TO STRAIGHTEN OUT.
YOU TOOK SOME TRAIL MIX
'CAUSE YOU'RE TOO CHEAP
TO PAY FOR IT,
AND I CAUGHT YOU.
I THINK WE'RE STRAIGHT.
- I JUST WANT TO SAY
WE'RE BOTH GUYS, ALL RIGHT?
AND WHATEVER HAPPENED
THIS MORNING
WAS A LITTLE MISUNDERSTANDING,
AND I'M...
SORRY.
- YEAH, I'M SORRY TOO.
I'M SORRY THAT JERKS LIKE YOU
COME INTO MY SECTION
AND TAKE YOUR DIRTY HANDS
AND PUT IT INTO THE FOOD
AND TAKE WHATEVER YOU WANT.
AND THEN WHEN I TRY
AND DO MY JOB,
YOU SCREAM AND YELL
LIKE SOME RED-FACED MANIAC.
YOU WANT TO DO ME A FAVOR?
GO STEAL FROM THE A & P!
- [breathing heavily]
- GOOD JOB, DAD.
- SO YOU'RE TELLING ME
THAT GRANDPA
SAT RIGHT HERE WITH YOU
AND HAD A CONVERSATION?
- YES.
- FOR HOW LONG?
- I DON'T KNOW.
- WELL, NO, WAS IT, LIKE,
FIVE MINUTES, TEN?
- I DON'T KNOW.
TEN, I GUESS.
- TEN MINUTES?
AND IT WASN'T
ABOUT FOOD?
- NO, NOT REALLY.
- YOU HAD A TEN-MINUTE
CONVERSATION WITH HIM.
WHAT WAS THAT LIKE?
- IT WAS OKAY, I GUESS.
- AND YOU WEREN'T SCARED?
- ROBBIE, YOU SAID YOU WERE
GONNA MOVE MY TRASH CANS FOR ME,
AND YOU DIDN'T DO IT.
NOW THE GARBAGE MEN ARE HERE
AND THE GARBAGE IS
SITTING IN THE BACK.
I'M JUST GONNA HAVE TO DO IT
MYSELF LIKE EVERYTHING ELSE!
- NOW, THAT ONE SCARES
THE CRAP OUT OF ME.
TO GO SHOPPING?
- IT'S JUST A COUPLE
OF THINGS, ALL RIGHT?
COME ON,
STOP WHINING.
- I WANT TO GO HOME!
- WHAT DID I SAY?
- THIS IS BORING.
- LOOK, JUST BE GOOD, AND WE'LL
STOP BY THE RUM DEPARTMENT.
GO GET US A THING
OF BROCCOLI, ALLY.
- I HATE BROCCOLI.
- HEY, YOUR MOM
MAKES THE LIST, OKAY?
IF IT WAS UP TO ME,
IT'D BE ALL MARSHMALLOWS.
GO.
LET'S GET
SOME MARSHMALLOWS.
- EXCUSE ME.
NO FREE SAMPLING.
- I'M NOT SAMPLING.
I'VE HAD THIS BEFORE.
- YEAH, RIGHT, WELL,
IT'S NOT A SNACK BAR.
- RELAX, PAL,
I JUST TOOK A LITTLE.
- YEAH, WELL, IF EVERYBODY
STEALS A LITTLE,
THE STORE GOES A LITTLE BIT
OUT OF BUSINESS.
- WHAT, ARE YOU
CALLING ME A THIEF?
- ONLY 'CAUSE YOU'RE
TAKING SOMETHING
WITHOUT PAYING FOR IT.
- HOW MUCH DID I TAKE,
A NICKEL'S WORTH?
HERE.
HERE'S A QUARTER.
KEEP THE CHANGE.
- DON'T THROW MONEY AT ME.
- OH, YEAH?
WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO?
- LET'S GO, DAD.
SORRY.
I'M REAL SORRY.
- HEY, DON'T APOLOGIZE FOR ME.
HE'S THE ONE BLOWING A GASKET
OVER A HANDFUL OF BIRDSEED.
- IT'S CALLED STEALING,
CUE BALL!
- I GOT HAIR, PORKY!
- DON'T TURN YOUR BACK ON ME!
I'M STANDING RIGHT HERE.
- WE'RE GONNA GO.
WE'RE GONNA GO.
DAD, LET'S GO
LOOK AT SOME MEAT.
- YEAH, YEAH,
LET'S GET OUT OF HERE.
- YOU GOT PROBLEMS, PAL.
- HEY, I'M A VETERAN!
- OKAY, DAD, OKAY!
- LOOK AT HIM!
YOU TELL ME HE'S NEVER
DONE ANY SAMPLING?
- COME ON, DAD!
- [sighs]
I'M GOING BACK TO TEACHING.
[upbeat rock music]
- [singing] JUNGLE LOVE
IT'S DRIVING ME MAD
IT'S MAKING ME CRAZY,
CRAZY
JUNGLE LOVE
IT'S DRIVING ME MAD
IT'S MAKING ME CRAZY,
CRAZY
JUNGLE LOVE
IT'S DRIVING ME MAD
IT'S MAKING ME CRAZY,
CRAZY
JUNGLE LOVE
IT'S DRIVING ME MAD
IT'S MAKING ME CRAZY
- RAY, CAN I HAVE SOME CHIPS?
- WHY DON'T YOU GO TO AMY
FOR CHIPS?
- I GO TO AMY'S...
FOR OTHER THINGS.
- HERE'S YOUR CHIPS,
AND I OWE YOU A NIGHTMARE.
- RAY, WHAT HAPPENED
WITH YOUR DAD TODAY
AT THE SUPERMARKET?
- WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
- ALLY'S PRETTY UPSET.
SHE SAID HE WAS SCREAMING
AND CALLING A MAN NAMES.
- IT WAS NOTHING.
THE PRODUCE GUY
ACCUSED HIM OF STEALING.
- WAS HE STEALING?
- HE WAS SAMPLING
THE TRAIL MIX.
- YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED
TO SAMPLE THE TRAIL MIX.
- HENCE THE HULLABALOO.
- SO ALLY SAW
YOUR FATHER STEAL FOOD
AND THEN WATCHED HIM
MAKE A BIG SCENE IN PUBLIC.
- AH, HER FIRST TIME.
A RITE OF PASSAGE.
I REMEMBER MINE--
THE NEW YORK STATE THRUWAY,
DAD THROWING PENNIES
AT THE TOLL COLLECTOR.
- YEAH.
THIS TIME
HE THREW A QUARTER.
- INFLATION.
[both laughing]
- HEY, IT'S NOT FUNNY.
IT'S NOT FUNNY.
WHY CAN'T HE BEHAVE HIMSELF?
- WHY CAN'T A DOG
PLAY THE TRUMPET?
- [chuckling]
- IT'S NOT FUNNY,
ROBERT.
- WHAT?
IT'S NO BIG DEAL.
YOU WANT ME
TO TALK TO HER?
- NO, I DON'T WANT YOU
TO TALK TO HER.
I WANT YOU
TO TALK TO HIM.
- I'LL TALK TO HER.
- NO, RAY.
YOUR FATHER HAS TO REALIZE
THAT HE'S NOT A GORILLA.
HE'S GOT GRANDKIDS.
HE HAS TO SET AN EXAMPLE.
- YOU KNOW, YOU REALLY SHOULD
GO SAY SOMETHING TO HIM.
- WHY DON'T YOU?
- DON'T NEED TO.
YOUR DAUGHTER,
YOUR PROBLEM.
- YOU'RE STUPID.
YOU'RE UGLY.
- COME ON, YOU GOT TO
SAY SOMETHING.
- [groans]
- [whispering] TALK TO HIM.
- [whispering] LOOK AT HIM.
HE'S SO PEACEFUL.
- FOR CRYING OUT LOUD,
I'LL DO IT.
- NO, YOU'RE TOO MEAN.
- WHAT?
- NOTHING.
I'LL DO IT.
HEY, DAD, CAN WE TURN
THIS OFF FOR A SECOND?
- HEY!
- WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
- WE'RE WATCHING HERE.
- ALL RIGHT, LOOK, DAD.
WE THINK YOU SHOULD KNOW
THAT ALLY WAS KIND OF UPSET
ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED
WITH THE GUY AT THE MARKET.
- OKAY.
TURN THE TV BACK ON.
- WAIT A SECOND.
WHAT HAPPENED?
- AW, THE JACKASS FRUIT GUY
ACCUSED ME OF STEALING.
- FRANK, PLEASE!
THEY'RE "HOMOSEXUALS."
- NO, THE GUY WHO WORKS
IN THE FRUIT DEPARTMENT,
THE FAT ONE.
- JIMMY?
OH, I LOVE HIM.
HE'S THE ONE WHO GETS ME
THE GOOD PEACHES.
WHAT WERE YOU STEALING?
- NOTHING--
I JUST TOOK A LITTLE
OF THE SNACKING MIX
OUT OF THE THING.
- OH, WELL,
THAT'S NOT STEALING.
- TECHNICALLY, MOM,
IT IS THEFT.
PETTY THEFT.
UNLESS YOU ATE MORE
THAN A HUNDRED DOLLARS' WORTH.
DID YOU?
- NO, I DIDN'T,
OFFICER DOOFUS.
BESIDES, I PAID FOR IT.
- WELL, YOU--YOU THREW
A QUARTER AT THE GUY.
- TOSSED.
- FRANK, IS THIS REALLY
THE WAY YOU WANT TO BEHAVE
IN FRONT OF
YOUR GRANDDAUGHTER?
- YOU KNOW, DEBRA,
FAR BE IT FROM ME
TO EVER
TAKE HIS SIDE,
BUT I DO THINK
IT'S HORRIBLE
WHAT'S HAPPENED
TO THAT STORE.
THEY USED TO GIVE YOU
SAMPLES ALL THE TIME.
AND THEY ALSO USED TO HELP YOU
TAKE YOUR BAGS TO THE CAR.
- NOW I HAVE TO TAKE YOU
TO THE CAR MYSELF.
- I WAS ON YOUR SIDE.
- FRANK, STEALING IS ONLY
A PART OF THIS.
WHY DID YOU HAVE
TO LOSE YOUR TEMPER
AND THEN YELL
AT THE GUY?
- HE WAS YELLING AT ME!
- BUT THERE'S OTHER WAYS
TO HANDLE THE SITUATION.
- HEY, YOU WEREN'T THERE.
THE GUY HAD IT COMING!
- BUT NOT WITH
YOUR GRANDDAUGHTER WATCHING.
IT COULD AFFECT HER.
I STILL TWITCH AT TOLLBOOTHS.
- YOU KNOW WHAT?
I'M GLAD ALLY SAW THAT.
SHE'S GOT TO LEARN YOU CAN'T
TAKE CRAP FROM PEOPLE!
- FRANK...
HAVE YOU EVER
HEARD THE SAYING,
"IT TAKES A VILLAGE
TO RAISE A CHILD?"
I BELIEVE THAT.
AND I BELIEVE THAT YOU'RE
A PART OF OUR VILLAGE.
WE'RE JUST TRYING
TO TEACH 'EM PROPER VALUES.
- LISTEN, I DON'T KNOW
WHAT THE HELL VILLAGE
YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT.
BUT I LIVE
IN REAL WORLD, USA.
SO YOU CAN SPARE ME
YOUR LECTURE.
- WAIT, YOU LISTEN TO ME!
- COME WITH ME FOR A MINUTE.
- SOMETHING HAS TO BE DONE!
HE'S A PUBLIC MENACE!
- I KNOW, I KNOW.
- I THINK OUR VILLAGE
FOUND ITS IDIOT.
WHY DIDN'T YOU
LET ME KILL HIM?
- WELL, THAT WOULD BE
VERY NICE, DEAR.
BUT THE TRUTH IS, THIS ALL
COULD'VE BEEN AVOIDED
IF RAYMOND HAD HANDLED HIM
BETTER IN THE SUPERMARKET.
- WHAT? WHAT?
HE WAS AN ANIMAL!
- YES, AND YOU LET HIM
OFF HIS LEASH.
IF YOU TAKE A DOG
TO A SUPERMARKET,
AND HE HAS AN ACCIDENT
IN THE FROZEN FOOD AISLE,
IS IT THE DOG'S FAULT?
- DID DAD EVER DO THAT?
- I'M SAYING,
YOU KNOW HOW YOUR FATHER IS.
AND THERE ARE WAYS TO PREVENT
THIS KIND OF SCENE.
FIRST OF ALL,
I TRY TO BE WITH HIM
IF HE'S EVER GOING TO BE
ANYWHERE THERE MIGHT BE PEOPLE.
- BUT RAY WAS WITH HIM.
WHAT WAS HE
SUPPOSED TO DO?
- BEFORE YOU EVEN GOT
TO THE SNACK SECTION,
YOU SHOULD'VE HAD
A HERSHEY BAR OR A ZAGNUT
HERE IN YOUR POCKET.
- THAT'S TRUE.
HE RESPONDS TO TREATS.
- DO YOU KNOW WHY
THIS KIND OF THING
DOESN'T HAPPEN
WHEN I'M AROUND?
BECAUSE I COMPENSATE.
HE'S HORRIBLE,
AND I HAVE A CERTAIN...
- WELL,
THAT'S GREAT, MARIE.
SO YOU WANT TO BE WITH HIM
ALL THE TIME, THEN?
- UH, NO.
- WELL, SOMEBODY NEEDS
TO STRAIGHTEN HIM OUT.
- NO, NO, LEAVE HIM.
HE'LL WATCH TELEVISION,
THEN I'LL TAKE HIM HOME,
MAKE SOME CANNELLONI,
HE'LL BURP,
AND HE'LL FEEL BETTER.
- YOU'RE AN ENABLER.
YOU'RE ACTUALLY REWARDING
HIS HORRIBLE BEHAVIOR
WITH ITALIAN FOOD.
- THAT'S EXACTLY
HOW THE MAFIA WORKS.
- WELL, I'M GONNA
SPEAK TO HIM.
- PUT SOME CANDY
IN YOUR POCKET!
[thumping on stairs]
- MOMMY, CAN YOU PLAY
TWISTER WITH US?
- HEY, YEAH,
THAT'S A GOOD IDEA, MOMMY.
WE CAN ALL PLAY,
LIKE A HAPPY FAMILY.
- TWISTER STINKS!
HEY, KIDS, YOU WANT TO
WATCH SOMETHING FUNNY?
SIT DOWN.
"ABBOT AND COSTELLO
MEET THE MUMMY."
HEY, ALLY, COME HERE.
- MOM, MAY I PLEASE
GO PLAY COMPUTER?
- UH, SURE, HONEY,
FOR A LITTLE WHILE.
- WHAT WAS THAT ABOUT?
ALL OF A SUDDEN
I HAVE THE PLAGUE?
WHAT DID YOU
SAY TO HER?
- I DIDN'T SAY A WORD.
WANT SOME CANDY?
- IF YOU DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING,
THEN YOU DID.
YOU BAD-MOUTHED ME,
DIDN'T YOU?
- I DID NOT.
WE TOLD YOU, ALLY HAD
SOME STRONG FEELINGS
ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED.
- OH, WHAT A COINCIDENCE.
SHE JUST HAPPENS
TO BE FEELING
THE SAME THING
THAT YOU TWO WERE THINKING.
- MAYBE IT WAS WHAT
HER GRANDFATHER WAS DOING.
- TURNING A KID
AGAINST HER GRANDPA.
REAL CLASSY!
- [sighs]
- COULDN'T MIND
YOUR OWN BUSINESS?
- THAT'S SOMETHING
TO WORK ON, DEBRA.
- HEY.
- IT'S ALL SQUISHY!
OH, HEY.
WHAT'S UP?
I'M WORKING.
- NOTHING.
IS THE, UH...
GIRL AROUND?
- ALLY?
- YEAH.
- YEAH.
THE GIRL'S IN THE BACKYARD.
- LISTEN, I WAS THINKING
MAYBE I SHOULD HAVE
A TALK WITH HER.
- OH, YEAH?
- YEAH.
I, UH...
I WANT TO HAVE
A TALK WITH HER.
- OKAY, ALL RIGHT, SO--
SO HAVE A TALK WITH HER.
- NO BIG DEAL
OR ANYTHING.
WHAT DO I
SAY TO HER?
- WHAT?
- WHAT DO I
SAY TO HER?
I'VE NEVER
TALKED TO HER.
- I THINK I'VE SEEN YOU
TALK TO HER.
- NO.
I'VE READ HER STORIES,
I'VE STOLEN HER NOSE,
I'VE TOLD HER,
"HEY, GET DOWN FROM THERE!"
BUT I'VE NEVER
TALKED TO HER.
WHAT DO I DO?
- UH, ALL RIGHT, JUST...
YOU KNOW,
START KIND OF EASY.
SAY SOMETHING NICE
OR START WITH A JOKE.
YOU KNOW, AND THEN JUST SAY
WHAT YOU WANT TO...
TO THE GIRL.
- WHAT JOKE DO I TELL?
- I DON'T KNOW.
OKAY.
WHAT DID THE BIG CHIMNEY
SAY TO THE LITTLE CHIMNEY?
- WHAT?
- YOU'RE TOO YOUNG TO SMOKE.
- THAT'S TERRIBLE.
- IT'S A KIDS' JOKE.
- I'M NOT DOING THAT JOKE.
- ALL RIGHT.
DON'T DO A JOKE, THEN.
JUST TALK, ALL RIGHT?
YOU DON'T GOT TO START
WITH ANYTHING.
SHE KNOWS YOU.
YOU'RE GRANDPA.
SHE'S FAMILIAR
WITH YOUR WORK.
- ALL RIGHT.
COME WITH ME.
- NO.
WHAT ARE YOU SO SCARED OF?
YOU WERE IN A WAR!
- THAT WAS DIFFERENT.
THEY GAVE ME A RIFLE.
- JUST GLAD
THEY TOOK IT BACK.
- I'M GONNA GET YOU!
I'M GONNA GET YOU!
- HEY, KIDS, WHAT,
ARE YOU PLAYING HERE?
HEY, COME ON, BOYS.
GO INSIDE.
YOUR DAD'S GOT CANDY AND
CHOCOLATE FUDGEY BALLS FOR YOU.
GO ON INSIDE.
HEY, ALLY, CAN I TALK
TO YOU FOR A SECOND?
- OKAY.
- CAN WE, UH,
SIT SOMEWHERE?
[metal buckling]
OKAY, UH...
SO, ALLY, WHAT DID
THE MEXICAN FIRE CHIEF
NAME HIS TWO SONS?
JOSE AND HOSE "B."
THAT WAS ONE
OF YOUR FATHER'S JOKES.
SO LISTEN, ALLY.
I, UH...
I UNDERSTAND YOU WERE
MAD OR SOMETHING
ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED
AT THE SUPERMARKET.
BUT WHAT YOU DON'T
UNDERSTAND IS THAT--
- YOU TOOK THAT STUFF,
AND THEN YOU YELLED
AT THAT MAN.
IT WAS SCARY.
- HEY, LISTEN...
[metal buckling]
YOU DON'T EVER NEED
TO BE SCARED OF ME.
YOU SEE, WHAT I DID
WAS TAKE A LITTLE SAMPLE.
AND THAT'S NOT STEALING.
IN FACT, THEY CALL IT SAMPLING.
- BUT THE SIGN SAID
"NO SAMPLING."
- OH, YOU'RE READING NOW.
I'M PROUD OF YOU.
THAT'S GOOD.
BUT, SEE, I THINK
THE SIGN IS WRONG.
I THINK THEY SHOULD ALLOW
PEOPLE TO SAMPLE
BECAUSE THAT WAY,
IF YOU TRY IT,
YOU MIGHT
WANT TO BUY IT.
BUT I COULD NEVER GET TO THAT
BECAUSE OF THAT JACK--
MAN.
- YOU WERE
YELLING AT HIM.
- [sighs] LISTEN, ALLY,
PEOPLE GET MAD
AT PEOPLE SOMETIMES.
YOU GET MAD
AT PEOPLE SOMETIMES,
LIKE YOUR LITTLE BROTHERS THERE.
THEY MUST BE ANNOYING
AS HELL, AM I RIGHT?
SO, ANYWAY, I MEAN,
WHEN THEY REALLY BOTHER YOU,
YOU YELL AT THEM JUST THE WAY
I YELLED AT THE FRUIT GUY.
YOU KNOW?
BUT JUST BECAUSE
YOU YELL AT SOMEBODY,
IT DOESN'T MEAN
YOU'RE A BAD PERSON.
DOES IT?
RIGHT.
- BUT IF I DO THAT,
THEN I HAVE
TO APOLOGIZE TO THEM.
- NOT ALL OF THE TIME.
- YEAH, ALL THE TIME.
- [sighs]
HEY, YOU KNOW WHAT?
WHAT--
[makes honking noise]
I GOT YOUR NOSE.
BUT THAT'S NOT STEALING,
IT'S ONLY BORROWING,
BECAUSE I'M GIVING IT BACK.
THAT USED TO GET
A BIG LAUGH.
YOU'RE TOO SMART
FOR THAT NOW.
[sighs]
HEY, YOU KNOW WHAT?
I'LL SEE YOU LATER.
[groans]
I'M NOT SO SCARY,
AM I?
- NOT MORE THAN GRANDMA.
THERE HE IS, GRANDPA.
- YUP, THERE HE IS.
GRAZING OVER
BY THE TOMATOES.
- DAD.
- ALL RIGHT, I'M WRONG.
HE'S SKINNY.
- BE NICE.
- GO AWAY.
[clears throat]
UH, EXCUSE ME.
I DON'T KNOW
IF YOU REMEMBER ME.
I WAS IN HERE,
UH, LET'S SEE...
THIS MORNING.
- YEAH.
WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO NOW?
PUT A TURKEY
DOWN YOUR PANTS?
- [chuckling]
NO.
NO, I JUST WANT
TO STRAIGHTEN OUT
A LITTLE MISUNDERSTANDING
ABOUT THE TRAIL MIX THERE.
- YEAH, BIG MISUNDERSTANDING.
LOOK, I'M A LITTLE BUSY,
ALL RIGHT?
- LISTEN, JIM,
I'M JUST TRYING
TO STRAIGHTEN THIS OUT,
ALL RIGHT?
- THERE'S NOTHING
TO STRAIGHTEN OUT.
YOU TOOK SOME TRAIL MIX
'CAUSE YOU'RE TOO CHEAP
TO PAY FOR IT,
AND I CAUGHT YOU.
I THINK WE'RE STRAIGHT.
- I JUST WANT TO SAY
WE'RE BOTH GUYS, ALL RIGHT?
AND WHATEVER HAPPENED
THIS MORNING
WAS A LITTLE MISUNDERSTANDING,
AND I'M...
SORRY.
- YEAH, I'M SORRY TOO.
I'M SORRY THAT JERKS LIKE YOU
COME INTO MY SECTION
AND TAKE YOUR DIRTY HANDS
AND PUT IT INTO THE FOOD
AND TAKE WHATEVER YOU WANT.
AND THEN WHEN I TRY
AND DO MY JOB,
YOU SCREAM AND YELL
LIKE SOME RED-FACED MANIAC.
YOU WANT TO DO ME A FAVOR?
GO STEAL FROM THE A & P!
- [breathing heavily]
- GOOD JOB, DAD.
- SO YOU'RE TELLING ME
THAT GRANDPA
SAT RIGHT HERE WITH YOU
AND HAD A CONVERSATION?
- YES.
- FOR HOW LONG?
- I DON'T KNOW.
- WELL, NO, WAS IT, LIKE,
FIVE MINUTES, TEN?
- I DON'T KNOW.
TEN, I GUESS.
- TEN MINUTES?
AND IT WASN'T
ABOUT FOOD?
- NO, NOT REALLY.
- YOU HAD A TEN-MINUTE
CONVERSATION WITH HIM.
WHAT WAS THAT LIKE?
- IT WAS OKAY, I GUESS.
- AND YOU WEREN'T SCARED?
- ROBBIE, YOU SAID YOU WERE
GONNA MOVE MY TRASH CANS FOR ME,
AND YOU DIDN'T DO IT.
NOW THE GARBAGE MEN ARE HERE
AND THE GARBAGE IS
SITTING IN THE BACK.
I'M JUST GONNA HAVE TO DO IT
MYSELF LIKE EVERYTHING ELSE!
- NOW, THAT ONE SCARES
THE CRAP OUT OF ME.