Everybody Loves Raymond (1996–2005): Season 7, Episode 13 - Somebody Hates Raymond - full transcript
Andy's new boss hates Ray. Ray does everything he can to find out why.
- SO I DON'T KNOW, DEBRA.
WE WENT TO MARCO'S LAST NIGHT,
AND AMY SAYS,
"I MUST HAVE HAD EVERYTHING
ON THIS MENU A HUNDRED TIMES."
WHAT DO YOU THINK?
- MAYBE AMY'S TRYING
TO TELL YOU SHE'D LIKE
TO GO SOMEPLACE ELSE.
- AND WITH SOMEONE ELSE.
- RAY.
- YOU GOT TO READ
BETWEEN THE LINES.
- HEY.
- HEY, ANDY.
- OH, I TOLD YOU
WE SHOULD SPRAY.
- HOW YOU DOIN', ANDY?
YOU LOOK LIKE
YOU'RE LOSING WEIGHT.
- NAH, I JUST GAVE UP
TUCKING IN MY SHIRT.
- WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
WHAT, ARE YOU HERE TO TELL
EVERYBODY YOUR BIG NEWS?
ANDY GOT A NEW JOB
BOOKING GUESTS
ON A NATIONAL RADIO SHOW.
- OH, CONGRATULATIONS, ANDY.
- WOW.
THIS PROVES IT.
THE LADIES LIKE GUYS
WITH JOBS.
- WHOSE SHOW IS IT?
- JERRY MUSSO,
BIG SPORTS RADIO GUY.
- OH, I'VE HEARD JERRY MUSSO.
NEVER CARED FOR HIM.
- NOBODY ASKED YOU.
THIS IS
A GOOD OPPORTUNITY FOR ANDY,
AND I TOLD HIM
THAT I WOULD DO THE SHOW.
YOU KNOW,
THROW HIM A BONE.
- ACTUALLY, RAY, THAT'S WHAT
I CAME OVER TO TELL YOU.
I'M AFRAID I HAVE TO...
RETURN YOUR BONE.
- WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
- I'M NOT GONNA BE ABLE
TO BOOK YOU ON THE SHOW.
- WHY NOT?
- JERRY MUSSO
DOESN'T LIKE YOU.
- DOESN'T LIKE ME?
- WHAT STATION
IS HE GOING TO BE ON?
- DOESN'T LIKE ME?
WHAT DID HE SAY?
I MEAN,
WHAT WERE HIS EXACT WORDS?
I WAS GOING OVER MY LIST
WITH THE EXECUTIVE PRODUCER,
AND HE SAW YOUR NAME,
AND HE GOES,
"OH, JERRY'S NEVER GONNA
GO FOR THIS.
HE DOESN'T LIKE RAY BARONE."
- WELL, MAYBE HE'S CONFUSING RAY
WITH SOMEBODY ELSE.
- THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT.
SO I SUBMITTED
YOUR NAME ANYWAY,
AND STILL, IT CAME BACK:
"NO. NO WAY.
JERRY HATES RAY BARONE."
- HATES?
IT SAYS "HATES."
- WHERE DO YOU GO
TO GET STUFF FRAMED?
- [singing] JUNGLE LOVE
IS DRIVING ME MAD.
IT'S MAKING ME CRAZY,
CRAZY.
JUNGLE LOVE
IS DRIVING ME MAD.
IT'S MAKING ME CRAZY,
CRAZY.
JUNGLE LOVE,
IT'S DRIVING ME MAD.
IT'S MAKING ME CRAZY,
CRAZY.
JUNGLE LOVE,
IT'S DRIVING ME MAD.
IT'S MAKING ME CRAZY.
- HATES ME?
JERRY MUSSO HATES ME?
- YOU KNOW, I'M SURE
HE DIDN'T MEAN HATE.
- IT'S IN WRITING.
- ANDY, COME ON, JUST...
TELL ME THE TRUTH.
DOES JERRY MUSSO HATE ME?
- I DON'T KNOW.
I WASN'T THE ONE
WHO TALKED TO HIM.
- WELL, ASK HIM.
- OH, NO.
LOOK, I JUST GOT THIS JOB.
WHY WOULD I WANT
TO ASSOCIATE MYSELF WITH A MAN
MY BOSS HATES?
- HATES ME.
- HATES YOU.
- REALLY? HATES?
- HATES. YOU.
HATES YOU, I'M SORRY.
- I DON'T EVEN KNOW THE GUY.
I NEVER EVEN MET HIM.
- DID YOU WRITE SOMETHING
BAD ABOUT HIM?
- NO, I'VE NEVER WRITTEN
ABOUT HIM AT ALL.
- MAYBE THAT'S WHY
HE HATES YOU.
- COME ON, WHY WOULD HE CARE
IF HE WAS IN RAY'S COLUMN?
- WHAT?
- NO. IT'S JUST THAT
IT'S NOT LIKE
IT'S, YOU KNOW, THE FRONT PAGE.
I MEAN, PEOPLE READ
YOUR COLUMN FOR,
YOU KNOW, FUN.
IT'S JUST A FUNNY LITTLE...
IT'S FUNNY.
- YOU HATE MY WRITING.
- NO!
NO. I'M SUPPORTING YOU.
YOUR WRITING IS...
WOW.
- YEAH, OKAY, THANK YOU.
THAT'S ENOUGH SUPPORT.
WHY THE HELL
WOULD THIS GUY HATE ME?
- I DON'T KNOW, DID YOU SLEEP
WITH HIS WIFE OR SOMETHING?
- [giggling]
- WHAT?
- SLEPT WITH HIS WIFE...
- OH, WHAT?
NOW I'M NOT
ATTRACTIVE ENOUGH
TO SLEEP WITH HIS WIFE?
- YOU'RE VERY ATTRACTIVE.
- JUST NOT TO ANYONE ELSE.
- DID YOU SLEEP WITH HIS WIFE?
- IF I DID, SHE WOULD LIKE IT.
- I KNOW, HONEY.
YOU COULD SLEEP
WITH ALL THE WIVES IN THE WORLD
IF YOU WANTED TO.
YOU'RE SUPER HOT.
- [laughing]
- WHAT ARE YOU LAUGHING AT?
- IT KILLS YOU
THAT SOMEBODY HATES YOU.
- HEY, WHY DON'T YOU
JUST CALL HIM UP?
- OH, I CAN'T CALL
SOMEBODY UP THAT HATES ME.
- HEY, MAYBE BACK
IN THE OLD COUNTRY,
YOUR GREAT-GRANDFATHER
KILLED JERRY MUSSO'S
GREAT-GRANDFATHER,
AND THEIR FAMILY
SWORE VENGEANCE.
- BUT NOW HE FEELS
THE GYPSY CURSE
THAT PRODUCED YOUR NOSE
WAS NOT SUFFICIENT.
- FRANK, TURN OFF
THAT DAMN TELEVISION
AND GET IN HERE.
I'M GONNA THROW
THIS LASAGNA IN THE GARBAGE!
OH, HELLO, DEAR.
WE WERE JUST
SITTING DOWN TO DINNER.
WOULD YOU LIKE SOME?
- NO, NO, NO, I JUST CAME
TO GIVE YOU
YOUR BIG SPOON BACK.
YOU'RE NOT HUNGRY?
WHAT'S THE MATTER?
YOU DON'T LOOK SO GOOD.
- NO, I'M FINE, MA.
- NO, YOU LOOK TERRIBLE.
YOU BETTER EAT SOMETHING.
- LET'S GO.
I'VE GOT TWO MINUTES
TILL THE COMMERCIAL'S OVER.
- FRANK, DOESN'T RAYMOND
LOOK ALL WORN OUT AND TIRED?
- WHAT DO YOU EXPECT?
HE'S BEEN TALKING TO YOU.
LET'S GO, LASAGNA TIME.
CHOP-CHOP.
- TALK TO ME, RAYMOND.
WHAT'S WRONG?
- NOTHING, IT'S NOTHING.
IT'S JUST...
[stammers]
HAVE YOU EVER KNOWN
ANYBODY THAT...
I DON'T KNOW...
DIDN'T LIKE ME?
- ABSOLUTELY NOT.
YOU'RE A SWEET BOY.
PEOPLE ADORE YOU.
- WELL, NOT JERRY MUSSO.
- WHO?
- JERRY MUSSO, THE RADIO GUY?
- YEAH.
- HE'S PRETTY GOOD.
- HE HATES ME.
- [gasps]
WHAT'S HIS NUMBER?
I'M GONNA CALL HIM.
- NO! MOM, IT'S OKAY.
- IF I COULD JUST TALK TO HIM
FOR A FEW MINUTES,
HE WOULD FALL IN LOVE
WITH YOU.
- AND HATE HER.
- YOU KNOW, THE THING IS,
I DON'T HATE HIM.
YOU KNOW,
I DON'T HATE ANYBODY.
- YES, THAT'S ONE OF YOUR
WONDERFUL QUALITIES.
YOU GOT THAT FROM ME.
- CAN I GET AN ICED TEA
FROM YOU?
- YOUR FATHER,
ON THE OTHER HAND,
HATES EVERYBODY.
- THAT'S NOT TRUE.
THERE'S ONLY
SOME PEOPLE I HATE.
THE REST I TOLERATE.
- BE QUIET.
- CAREFUL, MARIE,
YOU'RE RIGHT ON THE FENCE.
- DON'T LISTEN TO HIM,
RAYMOND.
YOU AND I
ARE NOT LIKE HIM.
- WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
YOU HATE PLENTY OF PEOPLE.
- I DO NOT HATE PEOPLE, FRANK.
- OH, YEAH?
WHAT ABOUT MY MOTHER?
YOU HATED HER LIKE POISON.
- FIRST OF ALL,
I DID NOT HATE HER.
I FELT SORRY FOR HER.
- WHAT ABOUT
HARRIET LICHTMAN?
- I FIND HARRIET LICHTMAN'S
FLIRTATIOUS BEHAVIOR
TOWARDS YOU DISTASTEFUL.
BUT I DO NOT HATE THAT SLUT.
- HEY, EVERYBODY.
I TOOK AMY OUT LAST NIGHT
TO THE GREATEST
NEW SEAFOOD RESTAURANT,
AND I'M GONNA TAKE ALL OF YOU
THERE NEXT SATURDAY.
HUH?
WHAT DO YOU THINK?
- IF I JUST KNEW
WHY JERRY HATED ME, YOU KNOW...
I MEAN, THAT'S
WHAT'S KILLING ME.
- I'M GONNA WRITE
THAT MAN A LETTER.
- HELLO?
NICE ANNOUNCEMENT HERE
FROM SOMEBODY ELSE.
- THAT'S VERY NICE, ROBBIE.
JUST GET ME HIS ADDRESS,
AND I'LL TAKE CARE OF IT.
- OH, MY GOD.
THIS IS UNBELIEVABLE.
- I KNOW,
WHY WOULD A GUY HATE ME?
- WHAT IS WITH YOU?
YOU CAN'T BELIEVE
THAT SOMEBODY COULD HATE YOU?
IS IT SO IMPOSSIBLE TO FATHOM
THAT SOMEWHERE
IN THIS VAST COSMOS,
THERE MIGHT EXIST
A SINGLE ENTITY
THAT THINKS YOU SUCK?
- ROBBIE, WE DO NOT SAY "SUCK."
AND IF WE DID,
RAYMOND CERTAINLY WOULDN'T.
- NO.
- WHAT'S YOUR PROBLEM, MAN?
- I'M JUST TIRED OF THIS.
I MEAN,
YOU HAVE THE TINIEST PROBLEM,
AND WE ALL HAVE TO STOP
AND ROCK YOU IN YOUR SNUGGLY
TILL YOU'RE ALL BETTER.
I'VE BEEN SAYING THIS
FOR 40 YEARS.
- YOU COULD'VE USED SOME
OF THAT TIME
TO WASH YOUR FEET.
- OH, RAYMOND,
THAT'S DISGUSTING.
WE'RE EATING.
- PEOPLE HATE YOU, RAYMOND.
THEY HATE YOU.
THEY'RE OUT THERE, MAN.
- MAYBE YOU HATE ME.
- YOU KNOW WHAT?
IF I DID,
IT WOULDN'T BOTHER YOU
AS MUCH AS SOME GUY
YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW HATING YOU.
- YOU'VE ALWAYS HATED ME.
YOU JUST
NEVER HAD THE GUTS TO SAY IT.
- OH, NO?
- ARE WE DOING
GARLIC BREAD OR WHAT?
- ROBBIE DOESN'T HATE YOU.
EAT SOMETHING.
- MAYBE I DO HATE YOU.
- ROBBIE!
- MAYBE I HATE YOU TOO!
- RAYMOND!
- WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT?
I DON'T CARE,
YOU LITTLE CRYBABY WUSSBALL.
- OH, WHY DON'T YOU GO EAT
AT YOUR NEW SEAFOOD RESTAURANT?
- WHY DON'T YOU?
- WHY DON'T YOU?
- STOP IT, BOYS!
- YOU FATHEAD!
- COME ON.
I WON'T HAVE THIS!
- YOU MAKE ME SICK!
- AW, YOU'RE AN APE-MAN!
- OH, YEAH? AM I?
WELL, YOU WANT
TO KNOW SOMETHING?
YOU WANT TO KNOW
WHO THE GENIUS IS?
JERRY MUSSO, BECAUSE HE WAS
THE FIRST TO SAY IT BEFORE ME.
HATE! HATE!
- OH, FINE!
AND I HATE YOU TOO!
- I HATE YOU!
- I GOT TO TELL YA, MARIE,
I'M GETTING
A LITTLE EXCITED.
- WHAT'S WRONG?
- IT'S THIS WHOLE
JERRY MUSSO THING.
I CAN'T STOP
THINKING ABOUT IT.
- JERRY MUSSO?
YOUR OWN BROTHER TELLS YOU
THAT HE HATES YOU.
YOU CAN'T STOP THINKING
ABOUT JERRY MUSSO.
- ROBERT'S ALWAYS HATED ME,
BUT JERRY MUSSO--
- MEANS NOTHING TO YOU.
HE'S NOBODY.
YOU SHOULD GO MAKE UP
WITH YOUR BROTHER.
- I'M NOT MAKING UP WITH HIM.
HE SHOULD GET DOWN
ON HIS KNEES,
LOOK ME IN THE EYE,
AND APOLOGIZE.
- YOU'RE SO IMMATURE.
YOU COULD MAKE
THE FIRST MOVE.
- OH, LISTEN TO YOU,
THE PERSON WHO WOULDN'T TALK
TO MY MOTHER FOR THREE MONTHS.
- THAT WAS
COMPLETELY DIFFERENT.
- HOW?
- SHUT UP.
[knock on door]
- HEY, GUYS.
- HEY, ANDY,
THANKS FOR COMING OVER.
- SURE, HOW'S IT GOING?
- GOOD, GOOD. LISTEN.
I JUST GOT A COUPLE
MORE QUESTIONS
ABOUT THIS JERRY MUSSO THING.
- OH, GOD.
YOU SAID
YOU HAD SOMETHING FOR ME.
- YES, A COUPLE MORE
QUESTIONS.
- RAY, PLEASE,
YOU'RE KILLING ME.
YOU WERE ON THE PHONE
WITH ME ALL NIGHT.
- YOU WERE?
- YOU WERE ASLEEP.
- SO WAS I!
- LOOK, JUST TELL ME.
- LISTEN, RAY,
WHO CARES WHAT HE THINKS?
I'LL TELL YOU SOMETHING.
I FOUND OUT
HE'S A MAJOR LEAGUE SCUZBALL.
- WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
- THE OTHER DAY,
A GUY AT THE STATION
WAS SELLING CANDY
FOR HIS KID'S SCHOOL,
AND JERRY SAID, "I CAN'T.
I'M ALLERGIC TO CHOCOLATE."
AND I HAVE THE FEELING
THAT HE ISN'T.
- YEAH, RAY, LISTEN, DON'T GIVE
THIS GUY ANOTHER THOUGHT.
YOU ARE SURROUNDED
BY PEOPLE WHO LOVE YOU.
KIDS, COME ON IN HERE.
LET'S GIVE DADDY
A BIG HUG, HUH?
AND SHOW HIM HOW MUCH
WE LOVE HIM.
- OKAY, ALL RIGHT.
OKAY, THANK YOU.
THANK YOU.
- YOU'RE THE BEST DAD
IN THE WHOLE WORLD.
- OH, I LOVE YOU, TOO, GEOFFREY.
I LOVE ALL OF YOU.
- AWWW.
- OKAY.
- RAYGULA.
- ALL RIGHT.
- OKAY.
MY WORK IS DONE HERE.
I'LL SEE YOU LATER.
- WHERE ARE YOU GOING?
- THEY'RE HAVING
A PREMIERE PARTY FOR THE SHOW.
- DADDY, WANT TO PLAY
WITH ME?
- JUST A MINUTE.
THE JERRY MUSSO SHOW?
- YEAH.
- WELL, WELL, HOLD IT.
- RAY?
- YEAH?
OKAY, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.
IN A MINUTE.
LISTEN, CAN YOU GET ME IN, ANDY?
- I SUPPOSE I COULD, BUT--
- RAY,
GEOFFREY ASKED YOU IF--
- GEOFFREY, DADDY'S GONNA BE
RIGHT BACK, OKAY?
AND IF I'M NOT BACK
BY THE TIME YOU GO TO BED,
THEN WE'RE GONNA PLAY
FIRST THING IN THE MORNING.
I PROMISE, OKAY?
AND HERE IS A LITTLE ADVANCE
ON YOUR ALLOWANCE.
GET YOURSELF SOME CANDY
OR SODAS, ANYTHING YOU WANT.
OKAY?
- YAY!
- I LOVE YOU!
LET'S GO.
- THANKS FOR GETTING ME IN.
- YEAH, SURE.
WHILE WE'RE HERE,
I CAN'T TALK TO YOU.
I CAN'T BE SEEN
WITH YOU.
AND IF ANYBODY ASKS,
I DON'T KNOW YOU
AND I'VE NEVER HAD ANYTHING
TO DO WITH YOU.
- YOU'RE A TRUE FRIEND.
HEY, HEY,
THAT'S JERRY MUSSO, RIGHT?
- OH, CRAP.
GIVE ME A FIVE COUNT.
- HEY, GIVE ME A...
GIVE ME A...
GIVE ME A GINGER ALE, PLEASE.
- WELL, WELL,
LOOK WHO IT IS.
- WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
- ANDY GOT ME
ON THE GUEST LIST
A COUPLE OF DAYS AGO.
I WANTED TO GET
JERRY MUSSO'S AUTOGRAPH.
I'M A BIG FAN.
- [snorting loudly]
THANK YOU.
- IT'S TEARING YOU APART,
ISN'T IT, HUH?
YOU HAVE TO KNOW.
WELL, THERE HE IS.
GO AHEAD.
NOW'S YOUR CHANCE.
MAYBE YOU'LL FIND OUT SOMETHING
ABOUT YOURSELF.
WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR?
- NOW, I'VE CHOSEN TO TAKE IT
AS A COMPLIMENT,
BUT WHAT CAN YOU SAY
WHEN SOMEONE SAYS
THAT YOU HAVE A FACE
THAT'S MADE FOR RADIO?
- [laughs awkwardly]
- JERRY?
- YES.
- RAY BARONE.
- OH, YES.
HEY, HOW YOU DOING?
- GOOD, GOOD.
I DON'T BELIEVE
WE'VE EVER MET, HAVE WE?
- NO, I DON'T BELIEVE WE HAVE.
- WELL, I JUST WANT TO SAY,
YOU KNOW, CONGRATULATIONS
ON THE NEW SHOW.
- THANK YOU.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
OH, THIS IS MY STATION MANAGER,
TIM LEBOWSKY.
- HEY.
UM, A FUNNY THING.
I HAD HEARD--
AND I KNOW HOW THINGS
GET BLOWN OUT OF PROPORTION
AND STUFF GETS MISCONSTRUED,
WHATEVER.
I HAD HEARD THAT--
SOMEBODY TOLD ME THAT YOU...
HATED ME.
[laughs]
- WHAT?
- "HATE," YEAH.
THAT WAS THE WORD, "HATE,"
WHICH SEEMED ODD TO ME
BECAUSE WE HAD NEVER MET.
I MEAN, I HAVE MY FAULTS,
LIKE ANYBODY ELSE,
BUT I THINK
ONCE YOU GET TO KNOW ME, I--
YOU KNOW,
IT'S LIKE MY MOTHER SAYS,
IT'S--I...
WELL, ANYWAY, I JUST,
I DON'T KNOW.
I WAS WONDERING.
- I DON'T UNDERSTAND.
WHY--
WHY WOULD I HATE YOU?
- THAT'S WHAT I SAID.
- WELL, THAT'S RIDICULOUS.
I DON'T HATE YOU.
WHO TOLD YOU THAT?
I REALLY--
I DON'T KNOW
WHERE YOU COULD'VE GOT THAT.
IN FACT,
YOU SHOULD DO MY SHOW.
WOULD YOU DO MY SHOW?
- YES, YES.
THAT WOULD BE GREAT!
- OKAY, WHERE'S ANDY? ANDY!
ANDY!
- HEY, WHAT'S UP, JER?
- HEY, ANDY, THIS IS RAY BARONE,
NEW YORK NEWSDAY.
- HOW DO YOU DO?
RAY, IS IT?
- YEAH.
- HOW COME YOU HAVEN'T BOOKED
RAY ON THE SHOW?
I MEAN, HE'D BE GREAT.
- YOU KNOW, I KNEW THIS
WAS JUST SOME KIND OF
BIG MISUNDERSTANDING.
- OH, SURE, SURE.
WELL, LISTEN, ENJOY YOURSELF,
AND IT WAS NICE TO MEET YOU.
- WELL, YOU TOO, THANKS.
THANKS, JERRY.
IT WAS NICE TO MEET YOU.
- SAME HERE, RAY.
- OKAY.
[chuckles sheepishly]
- WHAT? WHAT?
- HUH?
- NOTHING.
IT LOOKED LIKE
YOU ROLLED YOUR EYES THERE.
- I DID?
- YEAH.
I MEAN, YOU MEANT
WHAT YOU SAID JUST NOW?
- OH, SURE, SURE.
LISTEN, YOU'RE ON THE SHOW.
I'LL SEE YOU THERE.
- NO, NO, I KNOW YOU SAID
YOU DIDN'T HATE ME,
BUT IT KIND OF LOOKED LIKE
YOU JUST WENT LIKE THIS...
AND I THINK I KNOW
WHAT THAT MEANS.
MY WIFE DOES THAT
TO ME ALL THE TIME.
YOU KNOW, IT'S...
IT'S, LIKE,
"CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS GUY?"
YOU KNOW, BUT IF THAT'S NOT
WHAT YOU DID, THEN THAT'S FINE.
- LOOK, WHAT DO YOU
WANT FROM ME?
- SO IT'S TRUE.
YOU DO HATE ME?
- MAN, YOU OUGHT TO LEARN
TO QUIT WHILE YOU'RE AHEAD.
- WELL, HEY, NO.
I MEAN, IT'S NO BIG DEAL.
I JUST WANT TO KNOW WHY.
- ALL RIGHT,
YOU HAVE TO PUSH IT, OKAY.
WELL, THERE'S JUST
SOMETHING ABOUT YOU.
I'VE READ YOUR COLUMN.
I'VE HEARD YOU SPEAK.
I LOOK AT YOU, AND I GO,
"I DON'T GET IT."
I GUESS
YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE SMART
TO HAVE A CAREER
IN THIS BUSINESS.
NOW, IF YOU KNOW ME, YOU KNOW
I HAVE PRETTY HIGH STANDARDS
AND A VERY
LOW THRESHOLD FOR DUMB.
LOOK, I DIDN'T WANT TO SAY IT,
I WAS TRYING TO BE NICE,
BUT YOU WOULDN'T LET IT GO.
SO WHY DON'T YOU JUST GO
HAVE A SHRIMP PUFF
AND LEAVE ME ALONE, OKAY?
- HOLD IT RIGHT THERE,
YOU LITTLE TWERP.
- WHO ARE YOU?
- WHO AM I?
I'M SOMEONE WHO CAN CRUSH YOU
INTO A FINE POWDER,
THAT'S WHO I AM.
NOW, RAY BARONE HAS MORE TALENT
IN THE WEIRD PIMPLE
ON HIS NECK
THAT WON'T GO AWAY
THAN YOU HAVE
IN YOUR ENTIRE BODY,
YOU OILY,
TWO-FACED HACK.
YOU ONLY WISH
YOU COULD BE RAY BARONE,
BECAUSE YOU'LL NEVER
COME CLOSE TO HIM
AS A WRITER, AS A FATHER,
AS A FRIEND,
OR AS A PERSON.
COME ON, RAYMOND.
- HEY, WHO LET
THOSE GUYS IN HERE?
- I DON'T KNOW,
BUT I'M SURE AS HELL
GONNA FIND OUT.
- HEY, YOU KNOW,
THANKS.
- YEAH, YEAH.
- GUY CALLED ME DUMB.
- YOU'RE NOT DUMB, RAYMOND.
- I MEAN, EVEN IF I AM, IS THAT
ANY REASON TO HATE ME?
- OF COURSE NOT.
THERE'S SO MANY BETTER REASONS.
- HEY, BY THE WAY,
THAT'S NOT A PIMPLE, ALL RIGHT?
THAT'S AN INGROWN HAIR.
- WELL, IT'S WEIRD,
AND IT WON'T GO AWAY.
- I KNOW.
- DEB.
DEB.
- HMM?
- DO YOU THINK I'M DUMB?
- YOU'VE ASKED ME
THIS BEFORE.
- I GUESS I FORGOT WHAT YOU SAID
'CAUSE I'M DUMB.
- NO, RAY, YOU'RE NOT DUMB.
- REALLY?
- YOU'RE NEUROTIC,
BUT YOU'RE NOT DUMB.
I WOULDN'T BE MARRIED
TO A DUMB GUY.
- YOU CALL ME "IDIOT."
- COME ON.
THAT'S JUST MY LITTLE, UM...
NICKNAME FOR YOU.
YOU'RE NOT AN IDIOT.
- SO WHAT IS IT?
IT'S LIKE THAT--
LIKE AN OPPOSITE NICKNAME,
YOU KNOW, LIKE SOMEONE
WHO NEVER SMILES,
YOU CALL 'EM "SMILEY"?
- YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT.
NIGHT.
- GOOD NIGHT,
SKINNY.
'CAUSE THAT'S NOT
AN OPPOSITE NICKNAME.
MY NICKNAMES
MEAN EXACTLY WHAT THEY SAY.
IF YOU WANT
AN OPPOSITE NICKNAME,
THEN,
HI, CHUBBY.
I DON'T KNOW, I...
[sighs]
I AM AN IDIOT.
WE WENT TO MARCO'S LAST NIGHT,
AND AMY SAYS,
"I MUST HAVE HAD EVERYTHING
ON THIS MENU A HUNDRED TIMES."
WHAT DO YOU THINK?
- MAYBE AMY'S TRYING
TO TELL YOU SHE'D LIKE
TO GO SOMEPLACE ELSE.
- AND WITH SOMEONE ELSE.
- RAY.
- YOU GOT TO READ
BETWEEN THE LINES.
- HEY.
- HEY, ANDY.
- OH, I TOLD YOU
WE SHOULD SPRAY.
- HOW YOU DOIN', ANDY?
YOU LOOK LIKE
YOU'RE LOSING WEIGHT.
- NAH, I JUST GAVE UP
TUCKING IN MY SHIRT.
- WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
WHAT, ARE YOU HERE TO TELL
EVERYBODY YOUR BIG NEWS?
ANDY GOT A NEW JOB
BOOKING GUESTS
ON A NATIONAL RADIO SHOW.
- OH, CONGRATULATIONS, ANDY.
- WOW.
THIS PROVES IT.
THE LADIES LIKE GUYS
WITH JOBS.
- WHOSE SHOW IS IT?
- JERRY MUSSO,
BIG SPORTS RADIO GUY.
- OH, I'VE HEARD JERRY MUSSO.
NEVER CARED FOR HIM.
- NOBODY ASKED YOU.
THIS IS
A GOOD OPPORTUNITY FOR ANDY,
AND I TOLD HIM
THAT I WOULD DO THE SHOW.
YOU KNOW,
THROW HIM A BONE.
- ACTUALLY, RAY, THAT'S WHAT
I CAME OVER TO TELL YOU.
I'M AFRAID I HAVE TO...
RETURN YOUR BONE.
- WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
- I'M NOT GONNA BE ABLE
TO BOOK YOU ON THE SHOW.
- WHY NOT?
- JERRY MUSSO
DOESN'T LIKE YOU.
- DOESN'T LIKE ME?
- WHAT STATION
IS HE GOING TO BE ON?
- DOESN'T LIKE ME?
WHAT DID HE SAY?
I MEAN,
WHAT WERE HIS EXACT WORDS?
I WAS GOING OVER MY LIST
WITH THE EXECUTIVE PRODUCER,
AND HE SAW YOUR NAME,
AND HE GOES,
"OH, JERRY'S NEVER GONNA
GO FOR THIS.
HE DOESN'T LIKE RAY BARONE."
- WELL, MAYBE HE'S CONFUSING RAY
WITH SOMEBODY ELSE.
- THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT.
SO I SUBMITTED
YOUR NAME ANYWAY,
AND STILL, IT CAME BACK:
"NO. NO WAY.
JERRY HATES RAY BARONE."
- HATES?
IT SAYS "HATES."
- WHERE DO YOU GO
TO GET STUFF FRAMED?
- [singing] JUNGLE LOVE
IS DRIVING ME MAD.
IT'S MAKING ME CRAZY,
CRAZY.
JUNGLE LOVE
IS DRIVING ME MAD.
IT'S MAKING ME CRAZY,
CRAZY.
JUNGLE LOVE,
IT'S DRIVING ME MAD.
IT'S MAKING ME CRAZY,
CRAZY.
JUNGLE LOVE,
IT'S DRIVING ME MAD.
IT'S MAKING ME CRAZY.
- HATES ME?
JERRY MUSSO HATES ME?
- YOU KNOW, I'M SURE
HE DIDN'T MEAN HATE.
- IT'S IN WRITING.
- ANDY, COME ON, JUST...
TELL ME THE TRUTH.
DOES JERRY MUSSO HATE ME?
- I DON'T KNOW.
I WASN'T THE ONE
WHO TALKED TO HIM.
- WELL, ASK HIM.
- OH, NO.
LOOK, I JUST GOT THIS JOB.
WHY WOULD I WANT
TO ASSOCIATE MYSELF WITH A MAN
MY BOSS HATES?
- HATES ME.
- HATES YOU.
- REALLY? HATES?
- HATES. YOU.
HATES YOU, I'M SORRY.
- I DON'T EVEN KNOW THE GUY.
I NEVER EVEN MET HIM.
- DID YOU WRITE SOMETHING
BAD ABOUT HIM?
- NO, I'VE NEVER WRITTEN
ABOUT HIM AT ALL.
- MAYBE THAT'S WHY
HE HATES YOU.
- COME ON, WHY WOULD HE CARE
IF HE WAS IN RAY'S COLUMN?
- WHAT?
- NO. IT'S JUST THAT
IT'S NOT LIKE
IT'S, YOU KNOW, THE FRONT PAGE.
I MEAN, PEOPLE READ
YOUR COLUMN FOR,
YOU KNOW, FUN.
IT'S JUST A FUNNY LITTLE...
IT'S FUNNY.
- YOU HATE MY WRITING.
- NO!
NO. I'M SUPPORTING YOU.
YOUR WRITING IS...
WOW.
- YEAH, OKAY, THANK YOU.
THAT'S ENOUGH SUPPORT.
WHY THE HELL
WOULD THIS GUY HATE ME?
- I DON'T KNOW, DID YOU SLEEP
WITH HIS WIFE OR SOMETHING?
- [giggling]
- WHAT?
- SLEPT WITH HIS WIFE...
- OH, WHAT?
NOW I'M NOT
ATTRACTIVE ENOUGH
TO SLEEP WITH HIS WIFE?
- YOU'RE VERY ATTRACTIVE.
- JUST NOT TO ANYONE ELSE.
- DID YOU SLEEP WITH HIS WIFE?
- IF I DID, SHE WOULD LIKE IT.
- I KNOW, HONEY.
YOU COULD SLEEP
WITH ALL THE WIVES IN THE WORLD
IF YOU WANTED TO.
YOU'RE SUPER HOT.
- [laughing]
- WHAT ARE YOU LAUGHING AT?
- IT KILLS YOU
THAT SOMEBODY HATES YOU.
- HEY, WHY DON'T YOU
JUST CALL HIM UP?
- OH, I CAN'T CALL
SOMEBODY UP THAT HATES ME.
- HEY, MAYBE BACK
IN THE OLD COUNTRY,
YOUR GREAT-GRANDFATHER
KILLED JERRY MUSSO'S
GREAT-GRANDFATHER,
AND THEIR FAMILY
SWORE VENGEANCE.
- BUT NOW HE FEELS
THE GYPSY CURSE
THAT PRODUCED YOUR NOSE
WAS NOT SUFFICIENT.
- FRANK, TURN OFF
THAT DAMN TELEVISION
AND GET IN HERE.
I'M GONNA THROW
THIS LASAGNA IN THE GARBAGE!
OH, HELLO, DEAR.
WE WERE JUST
SITTING DOWN TO DINNER.
WOULD YOU LIKE SOME?
- NO, NO, NO, I JUST CAME
TO GIVE YOU
YOUR BIG SPOON BACK.
YOU'RE NOT HUNGRY?
WHAT'S THE MATTER?
YOU DON'T LOOK SO GOOD.
- NO, I'M FINE, MA.
- NO, YOU LOOK TERRIBLE.
YOU BETTER EAT SOMETHING.
- LET'S GO.
I'VE GOT TWO MINUTES
TILL THE COMMERCIAL'S OVER.
- FRANK, DOESN'T RAYMOND
LOOK ALL WORN OUT AND TIRED?
- WHAT DO YOU EXPECT?
HE'S BEEN TALKING TO YOU.
LET'S GO, LASAGNA TIME.
CHOP-CHOP.
- TALK TO ME, RAYMOND.
WHAT'S WRONG?
- NOTHING, IT'S NOTHING.
IT'S JUST...
[stammers]
HAVE YOU EVER KNOWN
ANYBODY THAT...
I DON'T KNOW...
DIDN'T LIKE ME?
- ABSOLUTELY NOT.
YOU'RE A SWEET BOY.
PEOPLE ADORE YOU.
- WELL, NOT JERRY MUSSO.
- WHO?
- JERRY MUSSO, THE RADIO GUY?
- YEAH.
- HE'S PRETTY GOOD.
- HE HATES ME.
- [gasps]
WHAT'S HIS NUMBER?
I'M GONNA CALL HIM.
- NO! MOM, IT'S OKAY.
- IF I COULD JUST TALK TO HIM
FOR A FEW MINUTES,
HE WOULD FALL IN LOVE
WITH YOU.
- AND HATE HER.
- YOU KNOW, THE THING IS,
I DON'T HATE HIM.
YOU KNOW,
I DON'T HATE ANYBODY.
- YES, THAT'S ONE OF YOUR
WONDERFUL QUALITIES.
YOU GOT THAT FROM ME.
- CAN I GET AN ICED TEA
FROM YOU?
- YOUR FATHER,
ON THE OTHER HAND,
HATES EVERYBODY.
- THAT'S NOT TRUE.
THERE'S ONLY
SOME PEOPLE I HATE.
THE REST I TOLERATE.
- BE QUIET.
- CAREFUL, MARIE,
YOU'RE RIGHT ON THE FENCE.
- DON'T LISTEN TO HIM,
RAYMOND.
YOU AND I
ARE NOT LIKE HIM.
- WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
YOU HATE PLENTY OF PEOPLE.
- I DO NOT HATE PEOPLE, FRANK.
- OH, YEAH?
WHAT ABOUT MY MOTHER?
YOU HATED HER LIKE POISON.
- FIRST OF ALL,
I DID NOT HATE HER.
I FELT SORRY FOR HER.
- WHAT ABOUT
HARRIET LICHTMAN?
- I FIND HARRIET LICHTMAN'S
FLIRTATIOUS BEHAVIOR
TOWARDS YOU DISTASTEFUL.
BUT I DO NOT HATE THAT SLUT.
- HEY, EVERYBODY.
I TOOK AMY OUT LAST NIGHT
TO THE GREATEST
NEW SEAFOOD RESTAURANT,
AND I'M GONNA TAKE ALL OF YOU
THERE NEXT SATURDAY.
HUH?
WHAT DO YOU THINK?
- IF I JUST KNEW
WHY JERRY HATED ME, YOU KNOW...
I MEAN, THAT'S
WHAT'S KILLING ME.
- I'M GONNA WRITE
THAT MAN A LETTER.
- HELLO?
NICE ANNOUNCEMENT HERE
FROM SOMEBODY ELSE.
- THAT'S VERY NICE, ROBBIE.
JUST GET ME HIS ADDRESS,
AND I'LL TAKE CARE OF IT.
- OH, MY GOD.
THIS IS UNBELIEVABLE.
- I KNOW,
WHY WOULD A GUY HATE ME?
- WHAT IS WITH YOU?
YOU CAN'T BELIEVE
THAT SOMEBODY COULD HATE YOU?
IS IT SO IMPOSSIBLE TO FATHOM
THAT SOMEWHERE
IN THIS VAST COSMOS,
THERE MIGHT EXIST
A SINGLE ENTITY
THAT THINKS YOU SUCK?
- ROBBIE, WE DO NOT SAY "SUCK."
AND IF WE DID,
RAYMOND CERTAINLY WOULDN'T.
- NO.
- WHAT'S YOUR PROBLEM, MAN?
- I'M JUST TIRED OF THIS.
I MEAN,
YOU HAVE THE TINIEST PROBLEM,
AND WE ALL HAVE TO STOP
AND ROCK YOU IN YOUR SNUGGLY
TILL YOU'RE ALL BETTER.
I'VE BEEN SAYING THIS
FOR 40 YEARS.
- YOU COULD'VE USED SOME
OF THAT TIME
TO WASH YOUR FEET.
- OH, RAYMOND,
THAT'S DISGUSTING.
WE'RE EATING.
- PEOPLE HATE YOU, RAYMOND.
THEY HATE YOU.
THEY'RE OUT THERE, MAN.
- MAYBE YOU HATE ME.
- YOU KNOW WHAT?
IF I DID,
IT WOULDN'T BOTHER YOU
AS MUCH AS SOME GUY
YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW HATING YOU.
- YOU'VE ALWAYS HATED ME.
YOU JUST
NEVER HAD THE GUTS TO SAY IT.
- OH, NO?
- ARE WE DOING
GARLIC BREAD OR WHAT?
- ROBBIE DOESN'T HATE YOU.
EAT SOMETHING.
- MAYBE I DO HATE YOU.
- ROBBIE!
- MAYBE I HATE YOU TOO!
- RAYMOND!
- WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT?
I DON'T CARE,
YOU LITTLE CRYBABY WUSSBALL.
- OH, WHY DON'T YOU GO EAT
AT YOUR NEW SEAFOOD RESTAURANT?
- WHY DON'T YOU?
- WHY DON'T YOU?
- STOP IT, BOYS!
- YOU FATHEAD!
- COME ON.
I WON'T HAVE THIS!
- YOU MAKE ME SICK!
- AW, YOU'RE AN APE-MAN!
- OH, YEAH? AM I?
WELL, YOU WANT
TO KNOW SOMETHING?
YOU WANT TO KNOW
WHO THE GENIUS IS?
JERRY MUSSO, BECAUSE HE WAS
THE FIRST TO SAY IT BEFORE ME.
HATE! HATE!
- OH, FINE!
AND I HATE YOU TOO!
- I HATE YOU!
- I GOT TO TELL YA, MARIE,
I'M GETTING
A LITTLE EXCITED.
- WHAT'S WRONG?
- IT'S THIS WHOLE
JERRY MUSSO THING.
I CAN'T STOP
THINKING ABOUT IT.
- JERRY MUSSO?
YOUR OWN BROTHER TELLS YOU
THAT HE HATES YOU.
YOU CAN'T STOP THINKING
ABOUT JERRY MUSSO.
- ROBERT'S ALWAYS HATED ME,
BUT JERRY MUSSO--
- MEANS NOTHING TO YOU.
HE'S NOBODY.
YOU SHOULD GO MAKE UP
WITH YOUR BROTHER.
- I'M NOT MAKING UP WITH HIM.
HE SHOULD GET DOWN
ON HIS KNEES,
LOOK ME IN THE EYE,
AND APOLOGIZE.
- YOU'RE SO IMMATURE.
YOU COULD MAKE
THE FIRST MOVE.
- OH, LISTEN TO YOU,
THE PERSON WHO WOULDN'T TALK
TO MY MOTHER FOR THREE MONTHS.
- THAT WAS
COMPLETELY DIFFERENT.
- HOW?
- SHUT UP.
[knock on door]
- HEY, GUYS.
- HEY, ANDY,
THANKS FOR COMING OVER.
- SURE, HOW'S IT GOING?
- GOOD, GOOD. LISTEN.
I JUST GOT A COUPLE
MORE QUESTIONS
ABOUT THIS JERRY MUSSO THING.
- OH, GOD.
YOU SAID
YOU HAD SOMETHING FOR ME.
- YES, A COUPLE MORE
QUESTIONS.
- RAY, PLEASE,
YOU'RE KILLING ME.
YOU WERE ON THE PHONE
WITH ME ALL NIGHT.
- YOU WERE?
- YOU WERE ASLEEP.
- SO WAS I!
- LOOK, JUST TELL ME.
- LISTEN, RAY,
WHO CARES WHAT HE THINKS?
I'LL TELL YOU SOMETHING.
I FOUND OUT
HE'S A MAJOR LEAGUE SCUZBALL.
- WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
- THE OTHER DAY,
A GUY AT THE STATION
WAS SELLING CANDY
FOR HIS KID'S SCHOOL,
AND JERRY SAID, "I CAN'T.
I'M ALLERGIC TO CHOCOLATE."
AND I HAVE THE FEELING
THAT HE ISN'T.
- YEAH, RAY, LISTEN, DON'T GIVE
THIS GUY ANOTHER THOUGHT.
YOU ARE SURROUNDED
BY PEOPLE WHO LOVE YOU.
KIDS, COME ON IN HERE.
LET'S GIVE DADDY
A BIG HUG, HUH?
AND SHOW HIM HOW MUCH
WE LOVE HIM.
- OKAY, ALL RIGHT.
OKAY, THANK YOU.
THANK YOU.
- YOU'RE THE BEST DAD
IN THE WHOLE WORLD.
- OH, I LOVE YOU, TOO, GEOFFREY.
I LOVE ALL OF YOU.
- AWWW.
- OKAY.
- RAYGULA.
- ALL RIGHT.
- OKAY.
MY WORK IS DONE HERE.
I'LL SEE YOU LATER.
- WHERE ARE YOU GOING?
- THEY'RE HAVING
A PREMIERE PARTY FOR THE SHOW.
- DADDY, WANT TO PLAY
WITH ME?
- JUST A MINUTE.
THE JERRY MUSSO SHOW?
- YEAH.
- WELL, WELL, HOLD IT.
- RAY?
- YEAH?
OKAY, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.
IN A MINUTE.
LISTEN, CAN YOU GET ME IN, ANDY?
- I SUPPOSE I COULD, BUT--
- RAY,
GEOFFREY ASKED YOU IF--
- GEOFFREY, DADDY'S GONNA BE
RIGHT BACK, OKAY?
AND IF I'M NOT BACK
BY THE TIME YOU GO TO BED,
THEN WE'RE GONNA PLAY
FIRST THING IN THE MORNING.
I PROMISE, OKAY?
AND HERE IS A LITTLE ADVANCE
ON YOUR ALLOWANCE.
GET YOURSELF SOME CANDY
OR SODAS, ANYTHING YOU WANT.
OKAY?
- YAY!
- I LOVE YOU!
LET'S GO.
- THANKS FOR GETTING ME IN.
- YEAH, SURE.
WHILE WE'RE HERE,
I CAN'T TALK TO YOU.
I CAN'T BE SEEN
WITH YOU.
AND IF ANYBODY ASKS,
I DON'T KNOW YOU
AND I'VE NEVER HAD ANYTHING
TO DO WITH YOU.
- YOU'RE A TRUE FRIEND.
HEY, HEY,
THAT'S JERRY MUSSO, RIGHT?
- OH, CRAP.
GIVE ME A FIVE COUNT.
- HEY, GIVE ME A...
GIVE ME A...
GIVE ME A GINGER ALE, PLEASE.
- WELL, WELL,
LOOK WHO IT IS.
- WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
- ANDY GOT ME
ON THE GUEST LIST
A COUPLE OF DAYS AGO.
I WANTED TO GET
JERRY MUSSO'S AUTOGRAPH.
I'M A BIG FAN.
- [snorting loudly]
THANK YOU.
- IT'S TEARING YOU APART,
ISN'T IT, HUH?
YOU HAVE TO KNOW.
WELL, THERE HE IS.
GO AHEAD.
NOW'S YOUR CHANCE.
MAYBE YOU'LL FIND OUT SOMETHING
ABOUT YOURSELF.
WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR?
- NOW, I'VE CHOSEN TO TAKE IT
AS A COMPLIMENT,
BUT WHAT CAN YOU SAY
WHEN SOMEONE SAYS
THAT YOU HAVE A FACE
THAT'S MADE FOR RADIO?
- [laughs awkwardly]
- JERRY?
- YES.
- RAY BARONE.
- OH, YES.
HEY, HOW YOU DOING?
- GOOD, GOOD.
I DON'T BELIEVE
WE'VE EVER MET, HAVE WE?
- NO, I DON'T BELIEVE WE HAVE.
- WELL, I JUST WANT TO SAY,
YOU KNOW, CONGRATULATIONS
ON THE NEW SHOW.
- THANK YOU.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
OH, THIS IS MY STATION MANAGER,
TIM LEBOWSKY.
- HEY.
UM, A FUNNY THING.
I HAD HEARD--
AND I KNOW HOW THINGS
GET BLOWN OUT OF PROPORTION
AND STUFF GETS MISCONSTRUED,
WHATEVER.
I HAD HEARD THAT--
SOMEBODY TOLD ME THAT YOU...
HATED ME.
[laughs]
- WHAT?
- "HATE," YEAH.
THAT WAS THE WORD, "HATE,"
WHICH SEEMED ODD TO ME
BECAUSE WE HAD NEVER MET.
I MEAN, I HAVE MY FAULTS,
LIKE ANYBODY ELSE,
BUT I THINK
ONCE YOU GET TO KNOW ME, I--
YOU KNOW,
IT'S LIKE MY MOTHER SAYS,
IT'S--I...
WELL, ANYWAY, I JUST,
I DON'T KNOW.
I WAS WONDERING.
- I DON'T UNDERSTAND.
WHY--
WHY WOULD I HATE YOU?
- THAT'S WHAT I SAID.
- WELL, THAT'S RIDICULOUS.
I DON'T HATE YOU.
WHO TOLD YOU THAT?
I REALLY--
I DON'T KNOW
WHERE YOU COULD'VE GOT THAT.
IN FACT,
YOU SHOULD DO MY SHOW.
WOULD YOU DO MY SHOW?
- YES, YES.
THAT WOULD BE GREAT!
- OKAY, WHERE'S ANDY? ANDY!
ANDY!
- HEY, WHAT'S UP, JER?
- HEY, ANDY, THIS IS RAY BARONE,
NEW YORK NEWSDAY.
- HOW DO YOU DO?
RAY, IS IT?
- YEAH.
- HOW COME YOU HAVEN'T BOOKED
RAY ON THE SHOW?
I MEAN, HE'D BE GREAT.
- YOU KNOW, I KNEW THIS
WAS JUST SOME KIND OF
BIG MISUNDERSTANDING.
- OH, SURE, SURE.
WELL, LISTEN, ENJOY YOURSELF,
AND IT WAS NICE TO MEET YOU.
- WELL, YOU TOO, THANKS.
THANKS, JERRY.
IT WAS NICE TO MEET YOU.
- SAME HERE, RAY.
- OKAY.
[chuckles sheepishly]
- WHAT? WHAT?
- HUH?
- NOTHING.
IT LOOKED LIKE
YOU ROLLED YOUR EYES THERE.
- I DID?
- YEAH.
I MEAN, YOU MEANT
WHAT YOU SAID JUST NOW?
- OH, SURE, SURE.
LISTEN, YOU'RE ON THE SHOW.
I'LL SEE YOU THERE.
- NO, NO, I KNOW YOU SAID
YOU DIDN'T HATE ME,
BUT IT KIND OF LOOKED LIKE
YOU JUST WENT LIKE THIS...
AND I THINK I KNOW
WHAT THAT MEANS.
MY WIFE DOES THAT
TO ME ALL THE TIME.
YOU KNOW, IT'S...
IT'S, LIKE,
"CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS GUY?"
YOU KNOW, BUT IF THAT'S NOT
WHAT YOU DID, THEN THAT'S FINE.
- LOOK, WHAT DO YOU
WANT FROM ME?
- SO IT'S TRUE.
YOU DO HATE ME?
- MAN, YOU OUGHT TO LEARN
TO QUIT WHILE YOU'RE AHEAD.
- WELL, HEY, NO.
I MEAN, IT'S NO BIG DEAL.
I JUST WANT TO KNOW WHY.
- ALL RIGHT,
YOU HAVE TO PUSH IT, OKAY.
WELL, THERE'S JUST
SOMETHING ABOUT YOU.
I'VE READ YOUR COLUMN.
I'VE HEARD YOU SPEAK.
I LOOK AT YOU, AND I GO,
"I DON'T GET IT."
I GUESS
YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE SMART
TO HAVE A CAREER
IN THIS BUSINESS.
NOW, IF YOU KNOW ME, YOU KNOW
I HAVE PRETTY HIGH STANDARDS
AND A VERY
LOW THRESHOLD FOR DUMB.
LOOK, I DIDN'T WANT TO SAY IT,
I WAS TRYING TO BE NICE,
BUT YOU WOULDN'T LET IT GO.
SO WHY DON'T YOU JUST GO
HAVE A SHRIMP PUFF
AND LEAVE ME ALONE, OKAY?
- HOLD IT RIGHT THERE,
YOU LITTLE TWERP.
- WHO ARE YOU?
- WHO AM I?
I'M SOMEONE WHO CAN CRUSH YOU
INTO A FINE POWDER,
THAT'S WHO I AM.
NOW, RAY BARONE HAS MORE TALENT
IN THE WEIRD PIMPLE
ON HIS NECK
THAT WON'T GO AWAY
THAN YOU HAVE
IN YOUR ENTIRE BODY,
YOU OILY,
TWO-FACED HACK.
YOU ONLY WISH
YOU COULD BE RAY BARONE,
BECAUSE YOU'LL NEVER
COME CLOSE TO HIM
AS A WRITER, AS A FATHER,
AS A FRIEND,
OR AS A PERSON.
COME ON, RAYMOND.
- HEY, WHO LET
THOSE GUYS IN HERE?
- I DON'T KNOW,
BUT I'M SURE AS HELL
GONNA FIND OUT.
- HEY, YOU KNOW,
THANKS.
- YEAH, YEAH.
- GUY CALLED ME DUMB.
- YOU'RE NOT DUMB, RAYMOND.
- I MEAN, EVEN IF I AM, IS THAT
ANY REASON TO HATE ME?
- OF COURSE NOT.
THERE'S SO MANY BETTER REASONS.
- HEY, BY THE WAY,
THAT'S NOT A PIMPLE, ALL RIGHT?
THAT'S AN INGROWN HAIR.
- WELL, IT'S WEIRD,
AND IT WON'T GO AWAY.
- I KNOW.
- DEB.
DEB.
- HMM?
- DO YOU THINK I'M DUMB?
- YOU'VE ASKED ME
THIS BEFORE.
- I GUESS I FORGOT WHAT YOU SAID
'CAUSE I'M DUMB.
- NO, RAY, YOU'RE NOT DUMB.
- REALLY?
- YOU'RE NEUROTIC,
BUT YOU'RE NOT DUMB.
I WOULDN'T BE MARRIED
TO A DUMB GUY.
- YOU CALL ME "IDIOT."
- COME ON.
THAT'S JUST MY LITTLE, UM...
NICKNAME FOR YOU.
YOU'RE NOT AN IDIOT.
- SO WHAT IS IT?
IT'S LIKE THAT--
LIKE AN OPPOSITE NICKNAME,
YOU KNOW, LIKE SOMEONE
WHO NEVER SMILES,
YOU CALL 'EM "SMILEY"?
- YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT.
NIGHT.
- GOOD NIGHT,
SKINNY.
'CAUSE THAT'S NOT
AN OPPOSITE NICKNAME.
MY NICKNAMES
MEAN EXACTLY WHAT THEY SAY.
IF YOU WANT
AN OPPOSITE NICKNAME,
THEN,
HI, CHUBBY.
I DON'T KNOW, I...
[sighs]
I AM AN IDIOT.