Everybody Loves Raymond (1996–2005): Season 6, Episode 10 - Raybert - full transcript
Robert finds a date only because she thinks he's Ray.
- I had an amazing night
last night.
I was at the sports bar,
And I met this really,
really hot woman.
- Hot woman, yeah?
So get to the part
Where you notice
her adam's apple.
- Believe me,
she's all woman, okay?
Her name's natasha.
She's pretty.
She's got a great personality.
I'm telling you, raymond,
we really hit it off.
- Yeah, all right.
So then what happened,
you ran out of singles?
- Will you stop?
Will you just stop already?
I'm telling you,
she really liked me.
There was just
one little problem.
- What?
- Well, it--it's really
not a problem,
Shouldn't even
use the word "problem."
It's just a minor,
minor, minor thing.
- All right!
What?
What?
What is it?
- She thinks I'm you.
[laughs]
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
You met a woman
who thinks that you're me?
- Yeah, well,
I'm at the bar, right?
And she spills
her drink on me,
And we start talking,
And I'm telling you,
we really connected.
I was actually
quite charming.
And the bartender
passes me a towel, right?
And he goes,
"uh, here you go, mr. Barone."
And we're in a sports bar,
So she just assumes
That I'm ray barone
from "new york newsday!"
[laughs]
- And you didn't correct her?
- She seemed so happy
to meet you.
She's a big fan of yours.
- Yeah, but listen,
you can't--
Whoa, a hot woman
is a big fan of mine?
- I couldn't believe it either.
- Did she mention
any particular column?
- Well, she did say something
about a cal ripken profile
Just before we...
[singing]
bah-bah bah-bah bah-bah!
- No!
No!
Come on, first night?
- Big fan.
- Ha!
I did get a lot of good feedback
on that piece.
- You certainly did.
- Hey, whoa, whoa,
wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
If she knows my writing,
Then she must know
I have a wife.
- Had.
Had a wife.
- You said I was divorced?
- Widower.
- You killed debra?
- Had to be done.
But don't worry.
You stuck by her
through a very long illness.
You were wonderful.
Oh, and just so you know,
you never had any children.
- What?
- I couldn't leave
any loose ends.
- Hey, look, man, you got
to set her straight.
This is not right
what you're doing.
- I know,
but I really like her,
And I don't want
to blow this, you know?
I just have to pick
the right time to tell her.
Got to lay the groundwork.
- All right, but just make sure
that you do it,
Because it's wrong, man.
It's wrong what you're doing.
- I know.
- All right.
So how hot was she?
- Oh, raymond,
so out of your league.
- Oh.
Oh, I love when they're out
of my league.
Hey, hey, hey, hey,
Let me ask you,
While you were--
Did she say my name
or anything?
- Hey, hey, hey, hey,
hey, hey, hey!
- Oh.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Did I cross over
some moral line, ray?
- All right.
Just suffice to say
she was really into you.
- Oh.
Great.
I finally have sex.
I'm not even there.
- She was a dynamo!
- Oh, really?
- Oh, yeah.
- How was I?
- So-so.
[doorbell rings]
- Hey, what are you
doing to me?
This was sent to my office.
Come on.
"to the beginning
of a wonderful romance.
Love, natasha."
Oh, I can't have this there.
It's like a time bomb.
- All right.
Thanks for bringing it over.
Bye-bye.
- Well, I get at least
two of these brownies.
- No, the brownies
are for me, thank you.
- Well, come on.
I brought the thing over.
- I'm heading for work now,
so I'll see--
Oh, hi.
- Hi.
- Natasha,
This is my brother, robert.
Brother robert,
this is my friend natasha.
- Well, it's so nice
to meet you, robert.
Ray has said
so many good things about you.
- He has, has he?
- Oh, you should hear
how he brags about you.
"what a great cop robert is."
you're like his hero.
- Aw.
Ha.
Ray.
- He's told me all about
your commendations
And your promotions.
- Really?
Yeah.
Yeah, that's no big deal.
They give you those
just for showing up.
Yeah.
- Yeah, but ray said you were
wounded in the line of duty.
- Oh, oh, oh, yeah.
He told you that?
Yeah, that was actually
kind of stupid.
I, uh--I allowed myself
To get gored in the ass
by a bull.
- [sighs]
don't be so modest.
First of all,
he was saving people.
And it was actually
the upper thigh.
- No, no, no, no,
right in the ass.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Really, really stupid.
And I still complain about it.
- Oh, will you stop it?
Stop being so funny.
Everybody thinks
I'm the funny one.
He's the funny one.
This guy is a crack-up.
You're a great cop.
Get out of here.
- No, no, no, no, no, no,
you know, I'm an okay cop,
But I would rather be
a great writer
Like my brother, raymond.
I mean, he's a cultural hero.
- You're out of your mind.
I'm just a scribbler.
- A scribbler, yeah.
Did you happen to see
the profile of cal ripken, jr?
- Oh, I loved that piece.
- Really?
Yeah, me, too.
Me too.
- What about you?
Robert's planning
a clothing drive
For the police athletic league.
He just can't stop
with the giving.
- I don't believe you two.
- No?
- I've never met two brothers
who get along so well
And admire each other so much.
It's unreal.
- It is unreal.
- Well, somebody
raised you right.
You must have amazing parents.
- Yeah.
[clears throat]
They would amaze you.
- I got to go.
I hope to be
seeing you again, robert.
- Oh, yeah!
Yeah, right, right.
- Oh, how did this get here?
- Oh, yeah, yeah.
Robert brought this over.
He stopped by my office
this morning
And delivered it here.
Always thinking of me.
- Mm.
Hey, ray, could I get
one of those brownies?
- Certainly.
- Oh.
Thanks, ray.
- [laughs]
That's funny.
Ray does that chin thing too.
- Hmm, yeah, we're both idiots,
'cause we do that.
- That's cute.
That's cute.
I'll see you later, ray.
- Mm.
[chuckles]
I swear to god
I was gonna tell her
last night.
I just want to make sure
that she knows
What a great guy
robert is, see?
I'm trying to get her
to fall for me.
- Yeah, like she's gonna
dump me for you?
- You watch.
I'm slowly making the transfer.
I build up who robert is,
The kind, compassionate
police officer,
And I downplay the shallow,
heartless sportswriter
Until she says, "gee, ray,
I wish you were
more like your brother,"
And then, ta-da!
- Ta-da?
You're a psychotic liar.
Come on.
Just tell her the truth.
- I'm gonna.
- Tonight.
- But there's groundwork.
- Psychotic!
- All right!
I'll tell her tonight.
- All right.
She is pretty, though.
- What'd I tell you?
- Mm.
Way out of my league.
- Mine too.
- Yeah.
You know, it's like
neither one of us
Could've gotten her
on our own, but--
- But melded together,
We were like
a whole other entity,
Like a superhero.
We were better
than just ray.
- Better than just robert.
- We were
Raybert.
Come on.
You were on your way out anyway.
You can't help your brother
With his laundry
down the stairs?
We're raybert.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, raybert.
What the hell you got
in here anyway?
- Just some socks
and unmentionables.
- Yeah.
Too bad
they're not unsmellables.
- Hey.
- Hey.
- You know her?
- Yeah, right.
- Hey, let me help you sort
some of this stuff out, ray.
- Excuse me.
Do either of you
have change for a dollar?
- Uh, no.
No, I don't.
But you know what?
My brother, ray barone,
probably does.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
You probably do, right?
He's a top sportswriter
over at "newsday."
So what do you say?
Can you help her out,
ray barone?
- I think
I might have change.
- Oh, yes.
Top writer at "newsday"
is gonna have plenty o' change.
- Thanks.
So this guy must be
the president of your fan club.
- [laughs]
no, no, no.
Yeah, no, I'm just his brother,
robert, that's all,
You know, but I am proud
of his accomplishments.
Yeah.
You bet I am.
But you two go back
to what you were doing.
You work out that change thing.
Yeah, go ahead.
- So you're ray barone?
- Uh, yes.
Yes, I am.
- My father loves your column.
- Well, thank you.
- So does my father.
Yeah.
And his father, 'cause--
'cause we're brothers.
Yeah, all right.
Let's do laundry.
- Hey, hey, it works.
Raybert works.
- All right,
but I like natasha.
- Oh, you can't
tie raybert down like that.
- Hey, raybert may be two guys,
but he's a one-woman man.
- Come on, I just want
to see what happens.
- Thanks for the change.
Both: You're welcome.
- So you--you're using
number seven.
There's a great agitator
in there.
- Okay.
- Listen, you know,
tell your dad
If he ever wants
to talk sports,
I'd be happy to.
- That's so nice.
Thanks.
I'm wendi.
- I'm still ray.
- Right.
[all laugh]
I'll see you
around the building.
- Okeydokey.
- Bye.
- Bye.
- Bye.
[laughs]
Oh, god!
- Ray.
- Oh, I got to tell you,
That was wild watching that.
It's like I invented a world
where ladies want ray!
- Bert!
Raybert!
- Yeah, yeah, yeah,
raybert, raybert, raybert.
Hey, listen, you--
with your availability
And my mystique, we--
We're unstoppable!
- All right,
but you have to understand,
We may have unleashed
an awesome power here.
But with that power
comes responsibility.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You got to start working
on my wardrobe.
[doorbell rings]
- Hi.
- Hi.
- I'm natasha.
Is robert here?
- Uh, no, not at the moment.
- Well, I met him this morning,
and I just--
- You met robbie?
- Yes.
- Did you like him?
- Sure, he seems very nice.
- He is very nice.
I'm his mother.
- Marie.
- What?
I'm interested
in my son's friends.
What's your last name, natasha?
- Leonetti.
- [gasps]
italian!
- Well, on my father's side.
- Good enough!
Come on in, dear.
- I just wanted to drop off
some things
For the police clothing drive.
- Okay.
I mean, you're more than welcome
to leave them here,
But you might do better
taking them to his place.
- Oh, I'm sorry.
This isn't robert's house.
I saw "r. Barone"
in the phone book.
I just assumed--
- it's okay.
We'll make sure
that he gets them.
- Thank you.
Thank you.
It was nice meeting you.
- You too.
- Well, hello.
- Hello.
- Frank?
Frank, this is robbie's
new friend, natasha.
- Natasha.
Well, any gorgeous friend
of robert's
Is a gorgeous friend of mine.
Where is ray?
I want to see his dead toenail.
I think I got
the same thing.
- Uh, ray's here?
- Oh, yes, he's upstairs
putting the kids to bed.
- Kids?
What kids?
- How do you--
Wait, how do you know ray?
- We met at a bar.
- What do you mean?
Through robert?
- No, no, no,
I met robert through ray,
'cause ray and I
are kind of dating.
- [gasps]
- Holy crap!
- Wait a minute.
What?
- Is there a problem?
- Um, no, there's no problem.
I'm just surprised
That my husband
has time to date.
- What?
You're his wife?
Ray said you were dead!
- [gasps]
oh! Oh!
Oh!
Oh!
- Holy crap!
- [singing]
beach baby
Beach baby
down on the sand--
- Shame on you,
young man!
- Wait a minute.
Wait a minute!
- Didn't I teach you anything?
You got a problem
with your woman,
You don't go out
and get another woman!
Now all you got
is two problems!
- Just wait a minute!
- Okay, just back it up,
everybody.
- Robert, what is going on?
- That's not robert.
That's raymond.
- You're not robert?
- Okay, look, if you just
let me talk,
I can explain everything.
I am robert.
- Wow, that is one bad alibi.
- [changes voice]
I come to fix sprinkler.
- What's your name?
What's your name?
- Man, let me show you
where that water valve is.
- Ray.
- Sorry, man.
- It's all right.
Forget it.
[clears throat forcefully]
I am robert barone,
lieutenant, nypd,
And this is my brother,
Raymond,
Sportswriter, "newsday."
- How could you do this to me?
- When you first mistook me
for raymond,
I didn't want to let you down.
- So you lied to me?
I have to get out of here.
- No, no, wait, natasha,
Listen.
I was gonna tell you
so many times.
It's just
that I really liked you,
And I didn't want--
You see, people seem
to respond differently
To raymond.
He's always been
the funny one,
The smart one,
The favored one.
- We've never shown
any favoritism.
- See, you got to understand
I've always wondered
What it would be like
to be raymond.
And it was even better
than I thought it would be
Because I met you.
- I can't believe this.
You didn't have to do that.
I liked you.
- Really?
- Not anymore.
This is so humiliating.
- I hear you.
- And what did you think,
I was some
ray barone groupie?
You know what?
Good-bye, whoever you are!
- [laughs]
It's not you.
It's that she said,
"ray barone groupie."
- All right, dad.
- That's got to be
a pretty small group.
All you got left is her.
I'll say this, robert.
You're scaring off
a better class of broad.
- Always there for me, dad.
- He's right.
Why won't you
let me help you, robbie?
- He should be able
to help himself.
What the hell
is wrong with you?
You have to pretend
to be somebody else?
I mean, please,
how old are you?
You have got to have
a little more self-esteem!
- You're right.
I'm an idiot.
- Yes--no!
That's--no!
That--that's what
I'm talking about.
When are you gonna see
What other people
see in you, robert?
- I know.
I know.
It's just it started
as a mix-up,
And then raymond and I
Just started
having so much fun with it.
- Wait a minute.
Ray and you?
- By "ray," he means him
'cause of that thing he did.
Yeah.
- No, no, no, no,
I'm not blaming you, ray.
I mean, it's my fault.
I enjoyed being raybert too.
- Raybert?
- Yeah.
That's what we called us.
It was fun.
And it worked.
There was natasha
And then the girl
in the laundry room.
- The girl in the laundry room?
- [changes voice]
I go fix sprinkler now.
- Oh, good, he's here.
Dad, this is ray barone.
- Um--
- That's not ray barone.
- What?
- I've seen him in interviews.
- Listen--
- This guy told you
he was ray barone?
- Yeah.
- What are you trying to pull?
- You're not ray barone?
- I have self-esteem issues.
- What is wrong with you?
- No one knows.
- Stay away from my daughter,
understand me?
Or I'll call the cops.
- Actually, I am a cop.
- You want to play
with me now?
Let's go.
From now on,
you do your laundry at home.
- Weirdo.
- That doesn't help
my self-esteem!
last night.
I was at the sports bar,
And I met this really,
really hot woman.
- Hot woman, yeah?
So get to the part
Where you notice
her adam's apple.
- Believe me,
she's all woman, okay?
Her name's natasha.
She's pretty.
She's got a great personality.
I'm telling you, raymond,
we really hit it off.
- Yeah, all right.
So then what happened,
you ran out of singles?
- Will you stop?
Will you just stop already?
I'm telling you,
she really liked me.
There was just
one little problem.
- What?
- Well, it--it's really
not a problem,
Shouldn't even
use the word "problem."
It's just a minor,
minor, minor thing.
- All right!
What?
What?
What is it?
- She thinks I'm you.
[laughs]
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
You met a woman
who thinks that you're me?
- Yeah, well,
I'm at the bar, right?
And she spills
her drink on me,
And we start talking,
And I'm telling you,
we really connected.
I was actually
quite charming.
And the bartender
passes me a towel, right?
And he goes,
"uh, here you go, mr. Barone."
And we're in a sports bar,
So she just assumes
That I'm ray barone
from "new york newsday!"
[laughs]
- And you didn't correct her?
- She seemed so happy
to meet you.
She's a big fan of yours.
- Yeah, but listen,
you can't--
Whoa, a hot woman
is a big fan of mine?
- I couldn't believe it either.
- Did she mention
any particular column?
- Well, she did say something
about a cal ripken profile
Just before we...
[singing]
bah-bah bah-bah bah-bah!
- No!
No!
Come on, first night?
- Big fan.
- Ha!
I did get a lot of good feedback
on that piece.
- You certainly did.
- Hey, whoa, whoa,
wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
If she knows my writing,
Then she must know
I have a wife.
- Had.
Had a wife.
- You said I was divorced?
- Widower.
- You killed debra?
- Had to be done.
But don't worry.
You stuck by her
through a very long illness.
You were wonderful.
Oh, and just so you know,
you never had any children.
- What?
- I couldn't leave
any loose ends.
- Hey, look, man, you got
to set her straight.
This is not right
what you're doing.
- I know,
but I really like her,
And I don't want
to blow this, you know?
I just have to pick
the right time to tell her.
Got to lay the groundwork.
- All right, but just make sure
that you do it,
Because it's wrong, man.
It's wrong what you're doing.
- I know.
- All right.
So how hot was she?
- Oh, raymond,
so out of your league.
- Oh.
Oh, I love when they're out
of my league.
Hey, hey, hey, hey,
Let me ask you,
While you were--
Did she say my name
or anything?
- Hey, hey, hey, hey,
hey, hey, hey!
- Oh.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Did I cross over
some moral line, ray?
- All right.
Just suffice to say
she was really into you.
- Oh.
Great.
I finally have sex.
I'm not even there.
- She was a dynamo!
- Oh, really?
- Oh, yeah.
- How was I?
- So-so.
[doorbell rings]
- Hey, what are you
doing to me?
This was sent to my office.
Come on.
"to the beginning
of a wonderful romance.
Love, natasha."
Oh, I can't have this there.
It's like a time bomb.
- All right.
Thanks for bringing it over.
Bye-bye.
- Well, I get at least
two of these brownies.
- No, the brownies
are for me, thank you.
- Well, come on.
I brought the thing over.
- I'm heading for work now,
so I'll see--
Oh, hi.
- Hi.
- Natasha,
This is my brother, robert.
Brother robert,
this is my friend natasha.
- Well, it's so nice
to meet you, robert.
Ray has said
so many good things about you.
- He has, has he?
- Oh, you should hear
how he brags about you.
"what a great cop robert is."
you're like his hero.
- Aw.
Ha.
Ray.
- He's told me all about
your commendations
And your promotions.
- Really?
Yeah.
Yeah, that's no big deal.
They give you those
just for showing up.
Yeah.
- Yeah, but ray said you were
wounded in the line of duty.
- Oh, oh, oh, yeah.
He told you that?
Yeah, that was actually
kind of stupid.
I, uh--I allowed myself
To get gored in the ass
by a bull.
- [sighs]
don't be so modest.
First of all,
he was saving people.
And it was actually
the upper thigh.
- No, no, no, no,
right in the ass.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Really, really stupid.
And I still complain about it.
- Oh, will you stop it?
Stop being so funny.
Everybody thinks
I'm the funny one.
He's the funny one.
This guy is a crack-up.
You're a great cop.
Get out of here.
- No, no, no, no, no, no,
you know, I'm an okay cop,
But I would rather be
a great writer
Like my brother, raymond.
I mean, he's a cultural hero.
- You're out of your mind.
I'm just a scribbler.
- A scribbler, yeah.
Did you happen to see
the profile of cal ripken, jr?
- Oh, I loved that piece.
- Really?
Yeah, me, too.
Me too.
- What about you?
Robert's planning
a clothing drive
For the police athletic league.
He just can't stop
with the giving.
- I don't believe you two.
- No?
- I've never met two brothers
who get along so well
And admire each other so much.
It's unreal.
- It is unreal.
- Well, somebody
raised you right.
You must have amazing parents.
- Yeah.
[clears throat]
They would amaze you.
- I got to go.
I hope to be
seeing you again, robert.
- Oh, yeah!
Yeah, right, right.
- Oh, how did this get here?
- Oh, yeah, yeah.
Robert brought this over.
He stopped by my office
this morning
And delivered it here.
Always thinking of me.
- Mm.
Hey, ray, could I get
one of those brownies?
- Certainly.
- Oh.
Thanks, ray.
- [laughs]
That's funny.
Ray does that chin thing too.
- Hmm, yeah, we're both idiots,
'cause we do that.
- That's cute.
That's cute.
I'll see you later, ray.
- Mm.
[chuckles]
I swear to god
I was gonna tell her
last night.
I just want to make sure
that she knows
What a great guy
robert is, see?
I'm trying to get her
to fall for me.
- Yeah, like she's gonna
dump me for you?
- You watch.
I'm slowly making the transfer.
I build up who robert is,
The kind, compassionate
police officer,
And I downplay the shallow,
heartless sportswriter
Until she says, "gee, ray,
I wish you were
more like your brother,"
And then, ta-da!
- Ta-da?
You're a psychotic liar.
Come on.
Just tell her the truth.
- I'm gonna.
- Tonight.
- But there's groundwork.
- Psychotic!
- All right!
I'll tell her tonight.
- All right.
She is pretty, though.
- What'd I tell you?
- Mm.
Way out of my league.
- Mine too.
- Yeah.
You know, it's like
neither one of us
Could've gotten her
on our own, but--
- But melded together,
We were like
a whole other entity,
Like a superhero.
We were better
than just ray.
- Better than just robert.
- We were
Raybert.
Come on.
You were on your way out anyway.
You can't help your brother
With his laundry
down the stairs?
We're raybert.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, raybert.
What the hell you got
in here anyway?
- Just some socks
and unmentionables.
- Yeah.
Too bad
they're not unsmellables.
- Hey.
- Hey.
- You know her?
- Yeah, right.
- Hey, let me help you sort
some of this stuff out, ray.
- Excuse me.
Do either of you
have change for a dollar?
- Uh, no.
No, I don't.
But you know what?
My brother, ray barone,
probably does.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
You probably do, right?
He's a top sportswriter
over at "newsday."
So what do you say?
Can you help her out,
ray barone?
- I think
I might have change.
- Oh, yes.
Top writer at "newsday"
is gonna have plenty o' change.
- Thanks.
So this guy must be
the president of your fan club.
- [laughs]
no, no, no.
Yeah, no, I'm just his brother,
robert, that's all,
You know, but I am proud
of his accomplishments.
Yeah.
You bet I am.
But you two go back
to what you were doing.
You work out that change thing.
Yeah, go ahead.
- So you're ray barone?
- Uh, yes.
Yes, I am.
- My father loves your column.
- Well, thank you.
- So does my father.
Yeah.
And his father, 'cause--
'cause we're brothers.
Yeah, all right.
Let's do laundry.
- Hey, hey, it works.
Raybert works.
- All right,
but I like natasha.
- Oh, you can't
tie raybert down like that.
- Hey, raybert may be two guys,
but he's a one-woman man.
- Come on, I just want
to see what happens.
- Thanks for the change.
Both: You're welcome.
- So you--you're using
number seven.
There's a great agitator
in there.
- Okay.
- Listen, you know,
tell your dad
If he ever wants
to talk sports,
I'd be happy to.
- That's so nice.
Thanks.
I'm wendi.
- I'm still ray.
- Right.
[all laugh]
I'll see you
around the building.
- Okeydokey.
- Bye.
- Bye.
- Bye.
[laughs]
Oh, god!
- Ray.
- Oh, I got to tell you,
That was wild watching that.
It's like I invented a world
where ladies want ray!
- Bert!
Raybert!
- Yeah, yeah, yeah,
raybert, raybert, raybert.
Hey, listen, you--
with your availability
And my mystique, we--
We're unstoppable!
- All right,
but you have to understand,
We may have unleashed
an awesome power here.
But with that power
comes responsibility.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You got to start working
on my wardrobe.
[doorbell rings]
- Hi.
- Hi.
- I'm natasha.
Is robert here?
- Uh, no, not at the moment.
- Well, I met him this morning,
and I just--
- You met robbie?
- Yes.
- Did you like him?
- Sure, he seems very nice.
- He is very nice.
I'm his mother.
- Marie.
- What?
I'm interested
in my son's friends.
What's your last name, natasha?
- Leonetti.
- [gasps]
italian!
- Well, on my father's side.
- Good enough!
Come on in, dear.
- I just wanted to drop off
some things
For the police clothing drive.
- Okay.
I mean, you're more than welcome
to leave them here,
But you might do better
taking them to his place.
- Oh, I'm sorry.
This isn't robert's house.
I saw "r. Barone"
in the phone book.
I just assumed--
- it's okay.
We'll make sure
that he gets them.
- Thank you.
Thank you.
It was nice meeting you.
- You too.
- Well, hello.
- Hello.
- Frank?
Frank, this is robbie's
new friend, natasha.
- Natasha.
Well, any gorgeous friend
of robert's
Is a gorgeous friend of mine.
Where is ray?
I want to see his dead toenail.
I think I got
the same thing.
- Uh, ray's here?
- Oh, yes, he's upstairs
putting the kids to bed.
- Kids?
What kids?
- How do you--
Wait, how do you know ray?
- We met at a bar.
- What do you mean?
Through robert?
- No, no, no,
I met robert through ray,
'cause ray and I
are kind of dating.
- [gasps]
- Holy crap!
- Wait a minute.
What?
- Is there a problem?
- Um, no, there's no problem.
I'm just surprised
That my husband
has time to date.
- What?
You're his wife?
Ray said you were dead!
- [gasps]
oh! Oh!
Oh!
Oh!
- Holy crap!
- [singing]
beach baby
Beach baby
down on the sand--
- Shame on you,
young man!
- Wait a minute.
Wait a minute!
- Didn't I teach you anything?
You got a problem
with your woman,
You don't go out
and get another woman!
Now all you got
is two problems!
- Just wait a minute!
- Okay, just back it up,
everybody.
- Robert, what is going on?
- That's not robert.
That's raymond.
- You're not robert?
- Okay, look, if you just
let me talk,
I can explain everything.
I am robert.
- Wow, that is one bad alibi.
- [changes voice]
I come to fix sprinkler.
- What's your name?
What's your name?
- Man, let me show you
where that water valve is.
- Ray.
- Sorry, man.
- It's all right.
Forget it.
[clears throat forcefully]
I am robert barone,
lieutenant, nypd,
And this is my brother,
Raymond,
Sportswriter, "newsday."
- How could you do this to me?
- When you first mistook me
for raymond,
I didn't want to let you down.
- So you lied to me?
I have to get out of here.
- No, no, wait, natasha,
Listen.
I was gonna tell you
so many times.
It's just
that I really liked you,
And I didn't want--
You see, people seem
to respond differently
To raymond.
He's always been
the funny one,
The smart one,
The favored one.
- We've never shown
any favoritism.
- See, you got to understand
I've always wondered
What it would be like
to be raymond.
And it was even better
than I thought it would be
Because I met you.
- I can't believe this.
You didn't have to do that.
I liked you.
- Really?
- Not anymore.
This is so humiliating.
- I hear you.
- And what did you think,
I was some
ray barone groupie?
You know what?
Good-bye, whoever you are!
- [laughs]
It's not you.
It's that she said,
"ray barone groupie."
- All right, dad.
- That's got to be
a pretty small group.
All you got left is her.
I'll say this, robert.
You're scaring off
a better class of broad.
- Always there for me, dad.
- He's right.
Why won't you
let me help you, robbie?
- He should be able
to help himself.
What the hell
is wrong with you?
You have to pretend
to be somebody else?
I mean, please,
how old are you?
You have got to have
a little more self-esteem!
- You're right.
I'm an idiot.
- Yes--no!
That's--no!
That--that's what
I'm talking about.
When are you gonna see
What other people
see in you, robert?
- I know.
I know.
It's just it started
as a mix-up,
And then raymond and I
Just started
having so much fun with it.
- Wait a minute.
Ray and you?
- By "ray," he means him
'cause of that thing he did.
Yeah.
- No, no, no, no,
I'm not blaming you, ray.
I mean, it's my fault.
I enjoyed being raybert too.
- Raybert?
- Yeah.
That's what we called us.
It was fun.
And it worked.
There was natasha
And then the girl
in the laundry room.
- The girl in the laundry room?
- [changes voice]
I go fix sprinkler now.
- Oh, good, he's here.
Dad, this is ray barone.
- Um--
- That's not ray barone.
- What?
- I've seen him in interviews.
- Listen--
- This guy told you
he was ray barone?
- Yeah.
- What are you trying to pull?
- You're not ray barone?
- I have self-esteem issues.
- What is wrong with you?
- No one knows.
- Stay away from my daughter,
understand me?
Or I'll call the cops.
- Actually, I am a cop.
- You want to play
with me now?
Let's go.
From now on,
you do your laundry at home.
- Weirdo.
- That doesn't help
my self-esteem!