Everybody Loves Raymond (1996–2005): Season 6, Episode 9 - Older Women - full transcript

I'm so glad you're here, Mom.

Oh, me too.

I just think it's great
that you and Dad

are both coming
for Thanksgiving.

It really means a lot
to me.

Ohh.

With the knees.
Lift with the knees!

Ooh.

Thank you, Raymond.

My pleasure... there...

you.



Okay, all right.

Oh, wait, Ray.

There's something I kind of
want to tell you both.

Oh. Well, you-- Deb,
you can tell me later.

Ray.

But I'd love
to hear it now, too.

That's cool.

You know your father and l
have gotten along very well

since the divorce,

and we talk
a couple of times a week,

and, well, I just
wanted to let you know

that your father's going to
bring a friend to Thanksgiving.

What?

What do you mean?



I think it's a woman friend.

I got that, Ray.

Right.

Yes, but really,
it's all right.

Well, what do you mean,
he's gonna bring a woman?

A date?
He's bringing a date?

Oh, this is ridiculous.

I guess be happy
that it is a woman, right?

Mom, this is not right.

Her coming over here with Dad,

sitting across the table
from you...

it's just-- it's got to be
too weird for you.

No, Debra, it won't be.

We talked about it,
and, really, I'm fine.

I don't like this at all.

All right, comeon, Ma.

No.
Marie, what do you think?

Well, bringing some girl, some floozy
to dinner with his ex-wife--

it's uncouth.

Oh, I don't think
she's a floozy, Marie.

Then why date her?

I mean, how can he already
have a girlfriend?

You've only been apart
eight months.

- Yeah, it's unbelievable.
- Thank you, Robert.

How come I can't find
a girlfriend?

You know, Mom,
I just don't think that you--

Deb, Deb, Deb, I think
if your mom's okay with it,

isn't that what's important?

Honey, you know I still care
for your father very much,

and if this girl
is what he needs

to feel better about himself,
to feel younger,

I say good for him.

Okay?

I guess, yeah.

Okay.
Good, good.

Andwho knows?

Soon I just may be
out there looking

for an eligible
younger man myself.

Hey, great job today.

What?
What are you talkin' about?

"lf your mom's okay with it,
that's what's important."

What?

That's what you said today.

Oh, yeah.
Right.

Good night.

She's not okay.

She had to act that way

because your whole family
was there staring at her.

What was she supposed
to do?

My parents were together
for 41 years,

and now my father has to
go find some little chippy

who makes him feel
like he's still got it.

Trust me,
this is painful for her.

I guess, but...

I gotta tell ya.

Sounds to me like maybe--

maybe you're not so okay
with it.

Oh, you pickin' up on that,
Einstein?

I wish I was Einstein,

'cause then I'd invent
a time machine

and go back
to when you were nice.

Boo.

Boo.

Stop it.

Boo.

Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow!

Come on, what?
What do you want me to do?

Oh, nothing.

You've never paid any attention
to my mother before.

You don't have
to start now.

What are you talkin' about?
I pay attention to your mom.

You don't even call her
anything.

You just grunt at her.

"How are you today,
Raymond?"

"Uhh."

Yeah, come in.

- Good night, you two.
- Okay, good night, Mom.

Yes, pleasant dreams and
have a happy tomorrow, milady.

Ray, I've put almonds
with the green beans.

I remember you liked them
that way.

Oh, yeah.
Thanks.

You have nice hair.

Thank you.

Thank you
for not wearing a hat.

So, Ray, you gonna let Warren
and his girlfriend

sleep in the same bed, huh?

All right.

Hey, what if those two
get married?

Oh, and have a kid?

Ah,that'd beawkward.

Let's see.
Debra already has a sister.

Maybe a brother this time, huh?

You can burp and change
your own brother-in-law.

Shut up.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That must be them.

Come on!

Say "Excuse me," huh?

Hey, there's my guy Raymond!

Hey.

Hello, hello.

Everybody,
I want you to meet Emma.

Hello.

- Hi.
- Hi.

- Hello.
- Hi.

Hello.

No brother for Debra.

Welcome.
We've been expecting you.

Well, not you, exactly.

This is Lois,

the woman I've told you
so much about.

I'm so happy
to finally meet you.

- And Ray...
- Hi.

- and Robert...
- Hello!

How are you?

Marie and Frank...

It's a pleasure
to meet you, Emma,

and that's
a lovely pantsuit.

Oh, this old thing?

And this is
my daughter Debra.

- Hi, sweetheart.
- Dad.

It's nice to meet you, Debra.
I baked this pie for you.

Oh, thank you.
It looks delicious.

It's an old family recipe.

So you work
at Warren's office?

Yes. I was all set
to retire last year,

but I decided
I wasn't ready.

You know what they say--

"You're only as old
as you feel."

Then I'm not a day over 21!

There you go.

- Good for you.
- Ha, ha, ha!

So, Deb,
where are my grandkids?

Oh, well,
Ally's with a friend right now,

and the twins
are taking a nap.

We let them stay up late
with Grandma last night.

Oh, you know, actually,
after our drive,

I'm a bit tuckered out
myself.

Do you want to lie down?

Would that be
all right?

Uh, sure, sure.
I'll take you up.

I can do it, Deb.
Uh, Ally's room okay?

Yep, great.

Thank you for inviting me
to your home.

I'm so happy to be spending
Thanksgiving with you all.

Well, sure.
That's... yeah.

The more the merrier.

Happy New Year!

I like her.

She seems very pleasant.

Oh, very pleasant.
Yeah, she's great.

Yeah, yeah, it's good
'cause we all thought Warren

was gonna go
for someone younger,

but it turns out he's just going
for someone different.

Oh, l-I misspoke.

I... it's the opposite
of what I said.

I do that.
I do that a lot.

Last week I said,

"I'm dinner.
What's for hungry?"

Yeah. And then l--
then I asked her

if the cleaners were back
from my pants.

It's like watching
a car accident.

I think I'm going to go
for a walk.

If you could
just tell Warren,

and I'll be back
in a little while.

Uh, I'll go with you, Mom.

I'll come, too.

All right, okay.

You guys have a good time.
We'll just be here--

Okay.

Kill is going to Debra you.

Oh, God, ohh.

Why do you say things?

Becau-- Debra wanted me
to be supportive

of her mother or something.

I don't know.

Tryin' to please the wife.
When are you gonna learn?

Where are all the ladies?

Oh, uh, they went
for a walk.

To get away from Raymond.

So, how's everybody been?

Good, good.

Yeah, Emma seems nice.

A fine woman.
Genteel.

Oh, yeah,
she's really terrific.

May I ask one question?

Of course, Frank.

What the hell
are you doing?

Dad. Dad!

No, I mean-- I mean,
she seems nice and all,

but jeezaloo!

You got
a golden opportunity here.

You're still handsome,
nice tan.

You got all your teeth
and then some.

What gives?

Dad, stop.

I mean, right?
Jeez.

Actually, what is
the thought process here?

Okay, yeah, Emma is
a little bit older than me,

but I gotta tell you, guys,

it's not all about looks
and sex for me.

Okay, but... is any of it?

Emma is warm and funny
and charming.

I simply adore her company,

and, uh,
can I tell you something

about dating an older woman?

That's okay.
It's okay.

She appreciates me.

When I'm with her,
I'm the young buck.

I feel more hip
and energetic now

than any time
in my marriage.

Interesting.

I'm trying to picture myself
with a woman who's older.

She'd have to be
like a mummy or something.

Frank--

I was kidding!

I wanna talk to you.

I thought you were going
for a walk.

- Ray.
- Hi, pumpkin.

Robert, Dad, could you
excuse us, please?

Everybody can stay.
Can't they just stay?

Where's your mother?

She needed
some time alone, Ray.

Hey, Warren, you wanna go
down to Marco's for a slice?

They have other things
there?

Full bar.

You drive.

What if Emma wakes up?

Oh, she just went down.
She's good for three hours.

Let me ask you something,
Ray.

Did you say what you said
to my mother to be cruel,

or is that
just how you feel--

men just want
someone different?

She's got you
in the crosshairs.

That's how you feel,
isn't it, Frank?

What the hell did I do?

Oh, don't play dumb
with me, mister.

You'd love to have someone
different, wouldn't you?

That's a secret?

I'm not kidding around,
Frank.

And, Raymond,
how could you?

Where is your compassion?

The woman has tears
in her eyes

because
she's been replaced,

and not by some
young hotsie-totsie girl,

but by an older woman.

What is happening?
How can you fight that?

And a husband
who's just said to her,

"It's not your looks, it's not
your body, it's you."

That's disgusting.

And you're all the same.

Hey! I am nothing
like this guy.

Hey, Dad!

No, sir.
You're on your own.

I want to eat tonight.

The sins of the son
shall not bother the father.

Come on.

Honey, you have to know
I didn't mean it, right?

It just slipped out.

Yeah, I know it did,

and we all got
a wonderful insight

- into how you really feel.
- Yes.

What you have
is never good enough.

The grass is always greener,
hmm?

It's all about someone
different, isn't it, Ray?

I remember Claudia.

The cleaning lady?

That's right.

After Ally was born,
she came once a week to help.

I remember.

She weighed 200 pounds,
had bad skin and a limp,

and you still couldn't help
staring at her!

No one could!

You know what I mean.
You think I'm blind?

I'd see you sittin'
on that couch,

sneakin' peeks at her
while she vacuumed

with the same look you have

for your Sports lllustrated
Swimsuit lssue.

You make me sick!

I'm a little sick, too.

Wait a minute!

I don't know what the hell
you're talkin' about!

Okay, maybe I would look
at the Swimsuit lssue,

but that doesn't mean I'm gonna
leave you for one of those girls.

And the only reason you don't
is that they don't ask you.

Thank you, Ma!

This is the point.

It doesn't have to be
one of those bikini girls.

It could be the checkout girl
at the A&P

or a waitress at Marco's
or Claudia the cleaning lady!

I do not want Claudia!

Oh, bull!
You'll take anyone

as long as they're different,
right?!

Ohh!

Stop it!

Come on!

Stop it, everybody!

Just stop.

Come on, just--
no hitting.

Look, w-we're all
a little upset.

This is
an upsetting situation.

Your father came home
with an old lady...

and I can see how that
can make you all... man-hatey,

but I don't want anyone
else, and I never will.

I don't want the waitress,

I don't want
the A&P lady,

and, honey,
you have to believe me,

I never wanted Claudia,
the 200-pound cleaning woman.

What about
the swimsuit model?

Not if she begged me!

Yeah, all right.

Frank?

What?

What do you have to say?

This is dumb.

You still need reassurance
after 45 years of bondage?

All right, I'm gonna
tell you something now

I've never told anyone else
before.

I could have had my chance
with Claudia.

What?

That's right.

There was one day

I was dropping off
your old highchair,

And there was no one at your
apartment except her.

And she letme in,

and she asked me if I wanted
something to drink,

and I said, "Yeah."

I was thirsty

from luggin'
the freakin' highchair

up your damn steps.

She poured me
some iced tea,

and when she stuck her hand
out to give it to me,

and I went for it,

she pulled it back
a little, you know,

Iike playfully?

That whore.

And you know what?

Even though she was not what
you would call classically beautiful,

I could see
what Ray saw in her.

Dad!

No, no,
she had something.

There was always
a little rumba

in the horn section.

I never looked
at her horn section.

I swear to God.

And I said,

"Just give me the tea,"

Iike that,

and she gave me the tea.

And I drankit,

and I handed her
the glass back,

and she washed it,

and I left.

Andthatwas it,

because I have a wife
named Marie.

Oh, Frank.

There you go.

Wait a minute.

You watched her
wash the glass?

Well, yeah.
I'm not a monk.

Hi.

- Hello, Raymond.
- Hi.

Listen, uh,

I'm sorry about
what I said before.

Oh, that's all right.

No, no, it's not.

I'm stupid.

Well, you certainly
are not.

What you said was true,
not stupid.

Well, insensitive, then.

Yes.

But I'm not hurt,
honestly.

Of course the circumstances
are a bit sad,

but this is what divorce is,

and if this is what it is,

I'd rather Warren and l
live the rest of our lives

trying to be happy
than not.

Right.

Listen, l-l...

I hope--

I hope you're happy, too...

Mom.

Ohh.

Okay, okay.

He called her "Mom."

Well, that hardly
seems necessary.

Great bird, Debra.

I didn't think
you had it in ya.

I got some on me.

Have you got a spot,
Raymond?

I can get that off
for you, sweetie.

Oh, that's all right, Lois.
I can get that spot.

I have for over 40 years.

Isn't that right,
my handsome boy?

Oh, boy.
Look at me.

I got a lot
to be thankful for.

Robert, could you pass me
the potatoes, please?

Sure.

Oh, my, so heavy.

Well, here you go.
I gotcha.

Thank you, Robert.

You're so strong.

Thank you.

So, Emma...

any more at home like you?