Everybody Loves Raymond (1996–2005): Season 5, Episode 7 - The Walk to the Door - full transcript

When are we
gonna get there?

I told you to go
before we leave.

Stop kicking the back
of my seat!

Ignore him.
He just doesn't like weddings.

I had a bad
experience once.

Well, I'm looking forward
to seeing our old neighbors.

The Stedmans
and the Garinis

and the Di Vincenzos.

Which ones were
they again?

You kicked in their
Halloween pumpkin

'cause you thought it
was a caricature of you.



Oh, yeah.

Wait, Ma, the Garinis
are gonna be there?

- Mm-hmm.
- Oh, God.

What's wrong there, cubby?

Forget it.
Nothing, it's stupid.

I'm sure it is.
Let's hear it.

I know what it's about.

Raymond and Elizabeth Garini had
a thing back in high school.

Oh, really?

It wasn't a thing.
It was one date.

Well, it could
have been a thing.

Elizabeth had
a big crush on you.

But you were so picky.

Back then.



So, tell me about this girl, Ray.

She went to a different high school

and they were having
their winter dance thing.

And I heard that Elizabeth
thought he was cute

and wanted to invite him.

Was she the blind girl?

Hey, how would
you know, huh?

You were home in your footsy pajamas
asking Mom for more pudding.

I just remember Mom saying,

"If Elizabeth Garini asks you,
you should go! It'll be fun!"

Oh, so your mom was
pimping for you?

I don't like that, Debra.

So Elizabeth calls me
and asks me and...

what am I gonna do?
I kinda feel sorry for her.

So I say yes.

And... when we were at the dance,
it started to snow.

And I had Dad's car.
I didn't want anything to happen to it.

Damn straight.

So, we get
to her house and... I...

What? What did
you do to the car?

- Nothing, Dad.
- Tell me now, stop the lies.

Nothing happened
to the car, okay?

We were stopped in front
of her parents' house

and she was saying she had
a nice time and all that.

But all I can think about is getting
the car back to the maniac here.

Damn straight.

So, we're just sitting
there, then finally,

Elizabeth says,

"Okay. Bye."

And she gets out

and walks to her door
in the snow

by herself.

I didn't walk her
to the door.

There she was.

All by herself.

Fancy dress, high heels.

Wobbling' up the driveway.

So did you call
her and apologize?

I wanted to, but...

and I didn't.

And I kept putting it off
and then a few days later

it was too late,
so I just...

I never talked
to her again.

You would have been
so good together.

Ooh, this place
is beautiful.

Yeah yeah.

Where the hell's
our table?

I'll look for it.

I don't see her.
I don't think she came here.

- I didn't see her at the church.
- 'Cause you were hiding.

I wasn't hiding.
I was deep in prayer.

- Whoa whoa, is that her?
- Who? Where?

Wait, no.
It's an old man with a walker.

Sorry.

My mistake.

You love this, don't you?

I'm afraid I do, yes.

Just so you know,
there's a part of me that...

that thinks it would
be good if she was here.

Yeah. Just face
this thing head on.

- How about that?
- There she is!

Oh, no, sorry,
that's a poached salmon.

Oh, hey, look,
there's our table.

Marie, Frank,
we're over here.

- Okay, over here.
- Hey there, tablemates.

How you doing?
I'm Ari Armon. This is my wife, Marcy.

What are you
so happy about?

Don't you see this table
placement is an insult?

They stuck us in
the corner by the kitchen.

Come on,
it's fine, Frank.

It's not fine.
We're at table 19 out of 20 tables.

And table 20 is filled with
embarrassing family nut-jobs.

No offense.

So, three couples and me.

On this joyous day
of love and togetherness,

the cheese stands alone.

You're not alone.
You have us.

Super.

Hey, Robert, don't look now, I think
that woman's giving you the eye.

Oh, no, it's the finger.
Sorry.

You are a teeny-weeny man.

Hey, Ray, let's dance.

- No no, come on, we just got here.
- Come on, one song.

I can't dance.
I didn't eat, I'll faint.

You danced with that Elizabeth,
you can dance with me.

- Oh, come on.
- Let's go.

- My father's gonna eat your salad.
- All right.

You got a little
fuzzy in your hair.

- You got a whole bunch of 'em.
- Would you please...

please stop grooming me?

Okay. I'm sorry
I care about you.

Raymond?

Hi, it's Elizabeth. Garini.

Elizabeth...

who?

Garini, from the neighborhood.

Oh yes, yeah, hi.

Nice to see you. Okay.

Take care.

Hi, I'm Debra, Ray's wife.

Nice to meet you.
This is my husband Scott.

- Hey, how you doing?
- Okay, yeah.

All right,
well, goodbye.

Good to see you.
Have fun.

Oh, very smooth, Ray.

It's just it was
a shock to see her.

Yeah, well,

she was really broken up about you
not walking her to the door.

Seriously? Did you
pick up on that?

Come on,
don't joke around!

Honey, she was fine.

She came up to you,
you can stop obsessing now.

You're right.
You're right.

She came up to me, okay.

Good.

What?

I feel like I should have brought up
the incident and apologized.

- All right, so do it.
- Really? No. Yeah? No.

You are so annoying!

Look, I haven't had time
to prepare my remarks.

You've had 25 years for that.

- Hi, again.
- We've gotta stop meeting like this.

Okay.

You know what? I'll bet you probably
don't even remember this.

- We went out one time in high school
- Of course, I remember.

Yeah? Hey, don't worry,
man, nothing happened.

That must have been
like 25 years ago.

Yeah, I think it was.

I think it was
snowing back then.

It was. It was snowing,
because I remember

I was nervous about the car.

And something...
what happened?

Somebody didn't
walk somebody...

I think I didn't walk
you to your door. Yeah.

Because I was nervous
about the car in the snow.

Right, I remember,
but that's no excuse.

You know what? I should
apologize for that.

I was a stupid kid
with the snow.

So, listen,
I'm sorry for that.

Wow.

I don't really
remember that, but...

It's so sweet
of you to apologize.

Gosh, I hope you haven't been waiting
since high school to tell me that.

No. No. No.

I mean, couldn't you tell?

It was all coming back
to me as I was saying it.

Well, thanks for
being so thoughtful.

Yeah, hey, that's me,

Mr. Thoughtful.

Okay.

Bye.

And here I mistook you
for Mr. Potato Head.

I saw you talking
to Elizabeth.

I did. I apologized for
the incident and she was fine.

- Oh, that's wonderful.
- Yeah, maybe they can

finally work things out.

You know what?
That wasn't that bad.

I mean, she's happy, right?

- She's got a husband.
- Oh, yeah?

All that happened
in front of the husband?

Yeah. What?

Nothing.

What?

What are you saying?
That maybe she was

putting on an act
in front of her husband?

Well, I wasn't saying that.

But that's good.
You should run with that.

No no no, you bring
up a good point here.

Would you knock it off?
She's fine.

- I think she was overly-fine.
- Oh, please!

No, come on,
this was a big incident.

Would you stop calling it the incident?
It wasn't an incident!

The Cuban Missile Crisis

was an incident.

My God, if you
are this insane

about not walking
a girl to the door,

how do you feel about
what you do to me?

- What I do to you?
- You do jerky things all the time.

- Things you should really regret.
- Like what?

- Where do you want me to start?
- At the beginning.

Take your time.

How about not
walking me to the car

when I was in labor
with the twins, Ray?

How about that incident?

I had to make a sandwich,
I hate hospital food.

Honestly, I can't believe you.

Why don't we go mingle, honey?

Purse, get your purse.

All right, don't be mad.
I'm sorry, okay?

I want you to tell me something
that you regret doing to me.

- We're at a wedding.
- Something you've done to me

that makes you
feel as horrible

as you do about
your date from 1977.

- Uncle Robert, come dance with us.
- I'll go.

- Ray!
- Robert, dance with them.

- I want to see this.
- Go dance with the children right now.

All right!

Come on, kids!

Regret, please?

Okay. All right. I regret...

not loving you more. Yes.

Yes, you deserve all the love
that can fit in the ocean.

Oh, man!

I thought that was
beautiful, Frank.

Why can't you say
something like that?

All right.

I would love it
if you were in the ocean.

I want something specific.

Something like when you didn't walk me
to the car when I was in labor.

- Okay, can I use that one?
- No.

- I did it more than once.
- No! Come on.

Okay, all right,
regret regret.

Okay, when we
were first married

we went to a party
at my editor's house.

And you didn't
know anybody

and you were kind of nervous,
and later at dinner

you told a story that you
thought was gonna be funny

but it... nobody laughed.

So you regret that
I'm a stiff at parties?

Thanks, feeling better.

No no, listen.

They didn't laugh,
but neither did I.

I saw that you were
embarrassed and...

I should have been there
for you and I wasn't.

Yeah, I've always
regretted that.

Wow.

That must have been
a long time ago.

Such a small thing.

Yeah, well, tell that
to my conscience.

I'd ask you what
you regret, but...

I'd be afraid you'd say
you regret marrying me.

Oh, not all the time.

Okay. I'm back.
I'm back.

What, it's over?

Friggin' "Bunny Hop."

Funny.
Talking about regrets.

I've got regrets.

Probably too many
regrets to mention.

Okay then.

I... I've... I've done things that

I just feel terrible
about to all of you.

- All right, Ma.
- Wait, let her speak.

Like to you, Debra.
I've always regretted

not being more nurturing
to you when you first

started out as a wife
and a mother.

I am sorry.

Oh, Marie.
That's nice.

Because now, at this point,

what can I do?

It must feel good to get
that off your chest.

Yeah, it does feel good.

And Raymond,

I've always regretted not toughening
you up when you were a boy.

I'm tough.

No, you're not.

- And Robert...
- Yes?

Actually, I don't have any regrets
about how I raised you, dear.

You've gotta be kidding.

And Frank...

Some regrets speak
for themselves.

Enough with
all this crap!

Regret is a waste of time.

My father used to be working
on the road 40 weeks a year.

When he'd come back home,
you think he had time for regrets?

He'd have a drink,
punish me for whatever I did

and then hit
the road again.

Okay, so what
am I gonna do?

Ask him to quit his job so he can play
with me or something?

Oh, Frank.

What?

You never told me
anything about this.

See? It's good to talk.

Come on, open up to me.
I'm here for you.

Okay, look,

I was lying
about my old man.

He was a jolly guy who gave me
puppies and chocolate coins,

so...

just slide
back over, okay?

Ma, are you saying that you
have no regrets about me?

Please, Robert,
not everything is about you.

Nothing is about me!

Nothing!

Let me tell you something.
I got regrets.

Oh, boy,
do I got regrets.

Come on, Robby,
you're bringing everybody down.

Everybody else got to go,
I'm going!

Let's see, regrets.

Hmm, quite a menu.

- Where shall I start?
- How about that haircut?

All right.

There is something
I always felt bad about.

When Joanne and I
were first going out

I took her to this party
at my sergeant's house.

And at dinner she started
to tell this joke,

and I guess she thought
it was pretty funny,

but nobody else did
and no one laughed.

Which would've
been one thing, but...

I didn't laugh either.

She just sat there,
embarrassed.

I mean, what kind
of a guy...

You used his regret?!

You couldn't think of
one thing on your own,

so you had to
steal his regret?!

You stole his regret!

You stole my regret?

Well, I definitely have something
I regret doing to you now, soda pop.

Oh, come on. All right, look,
I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Come on!

Stop it. What do you
want me to say?

She's on the move, chief.

Come on.
Would you stop it?

- Please, stop.
- I'll have another one.

Listen, all right, I couldn't
think of a regret, but...

it was like a pop quiz,
I panicked.

- Okay, you win, I'm a bad person.
- How do I win?

Oh, they're kissing.

You know what'd
make me happy?

If you recognized your
regret before you did it!

Time travel, huh?
You're talking about time travel.

- Stop stop. I have another regret.
- Enough with the regrets!

No. You're yelling
at one another

- and it's all my fault.
- It's all right, Marie.

No, there's something you don't know
about this whole Elizabeth business.

You know how I do
things out of love?

Oh, this is never good.

When you were
in high school, Raymond,

you were so lonely.
I just wanted you to be happy.

What did you do?

Everything I told you

about Elizabeth
back in high school,

thinking you were cute
and having a crush on you,

was a... fib.

What?
You lied to me?

Fibbed.

Wait a minute.
She had to like me a little bit

because she asked
me out, right? Right?

See, I ran into
Elizabeth in the market

and I asked her if she would please
ask you out to the dance.

At first she said no,
but then I told her

that you were polite and kind
and a nice dresser.

A pity date?

All this time, I was...
I was a pity date?

- No, not at all.
- Of course I was.

I guess I was right,
Raymond.

When she accepted your apology,
she was putting on an act.

She had to keep from laughing.

You couldn't walk her to the door
'cause she was running for the door.

That's very funny.

Very funny!
Very funny!

No no, I don't want...
get off me, you freaks!

- Oh, hi, Raymond.
- I just found something out.

You didn't want me to walk
you to the door, did you?

You weren't acting weird
because you liked me,

you were acting weird because you were
going out with mama's little mutant!

I felt bad about what I did to you
for 25 years for no reason.

You weren't
the pathetic loser.

I was the pathetic loser!

That's the shmuck who
didn't walk you to the door?

What's wrong
with my haircut?

All right, I'm sorry.

I had a rough night, okay?

You want to drive to the woods
and dump Dad out?

Rub some honey on his ass
and blow a bear whistle.