Everybody Loves Raymond (1996–2005): Season 5, Episode 6 - The Author - full transcript

Doodie-head! Doodie-head!

Hey, no name calling!
Guys!

Where have you been
for the last hour?

I told you
I was going to the store.

What, they make you lock up?

Excuse me?

How can I write
when this whole place

is crawling
with doodie-heads?

Oh, were they noisy?
Gosh, when I'm alone with them,

they just sit in the corner
and read the Bible.

Listen, come here.
Sit down for one second, please.



Just sit down. I want
to tell you something.

I need help, okay?

I'm under the gun here
to finish a chapter, so...

I was wondering
if you could...

kind of pick up
the slack here till I'm done.

My whole life
is picking up the slack.

I know,
I know, I know.

Look, all I need
is one day without any distractions.

All right, I'll take the kids for
the rest of today. Are you happy?

That's great, that's great,
that's great, but you know,

today's not really a full day
when you consider it's already 2:30.

What do you want, Ray?

Well, the publisher wants to see
some stuff as soon as possible...

so the only time I could work on it
would be, I don't know, this weekend.



But this weekend
is our camping trip with the Parkers.

Oh oh, that's right.
That's right.

Hmm.

You want me to go camping
without you with all the kids?!

- Are you insane?
- All right, it's a little extra slack,

- I know.
- Yeah, listen!

You waste time for over a year,
and then you expect me

to suffer so you can finally
start getting serious.

Well, hey, you don't think
I'm going to suffer?

I'm sacrificing the most precious thing
of all-- time with my children, huh?

You don't think I've got
"Cat's in the Cradle" playing up here?

I think you got two monkeys
and a yo-yo playing up there.

Yeah.

You just don't want me to be an author,
that's what it is.

'Cause there'll be a book tour,
then the groupies.

Now there's
a sad bunch of women.

Yeah.

Sad but happy,
if you know what I mean.

I don't know
what you mean.

Come on. What,
do you want me to beg?

I'm no good at asking for help.
It's my biggest flaw--

Don't be mean.
Come on!

Feel bad for me.
Help me.

It's my dream
to write a book.

All right.

You love my yo-yo monkeys.

Yeah.

Listen, while we're gone,
you work.

- Yes. Right. Absolutely.
- Yes?

You do not play golf.
You do not watch TV.

Right right.
No fun.

- No, I'm not kidding, Ray.
- I know, no kidding.

No fun, I promise.

- Stop looking at me.
- And you know,

- if you break that promise, I'll know.
- I know you'll know.

And then-- then you'll
have to punish me.

- Oh, I'll punish you.
- Oh yeah?

Seriously, Ray,
I'll hurt you.

Work, Ray!

Hey, you guys, go straight upstairs
and go right to the bath.

- Don't touch anything.
- Hi, dears.

Hi, Grandma.

Hi, welcome back, Debra.

How was
your camping vacation?

- What's going on?
- Ah, camping.

That's great.

Hey, what did you use
for toilet paper?

Toilet paper.

Then it wasn't really camping.

- I can tell you a story--
- Okay, that's all right.

Raymond said you weren't
getting back until tomorrow.

Yeah, I know, but between
the rain and the bugs

and the kids going nuts,
I decided we had enough vacation.

Is he in the office?

Hi. Hi.
Oh, you're all muddy.

- What are you doing, Ray?
- All right, listen.

- I know what you're thinking.
- Really?

Then why aren't you
protecting yourself?

No no.
Listen listen.

I finished, okay?
I ended up working through the night

and I finished the first chapter.
And then this morning,

I was able to knock off the second,
and then I faxed it over to the guy.

He worked very hard
so he could get it all done,

so he could have some time
to relax, like you.

Ray, after everything
we'd discussed,

how could you go out--

Yeah, hello?
Yeah, this is me. I got to take this.

- Hello.
- Hi, Robert.

You want some angel food cake
and chocolate sauce?

Of course.

Listen, I have some news
that, uh--

Hey, how come he got
so much chocolate sauce?

- You got the same amount.
- No no no.

Look at all
that chocolate sauce.

You told me I couldn't have
more chocolate sauce,

'cause you didn't have enough, huh?

I get two drops
and he gets a river.

It's a lake!
Look how much he gets.

How do you explain that?

What, are you messing
with my head?

Well, I can't mess
with your hair.

All right, listen.
I wanted you guys to know--

Ray, I just want to
understand one thing.

Why is it your mission in life
to avoid spending time with your family?

That was my agent.
He said the publisher

read my stuff and...

they decided they don't
want me to write the book.

Oh, Ray, I'm sorry.

- l-- I don't understand. What happened?
- I don't know, Ma.

Guess they didn't think
it was good.

Were there spelling errors?

It's the Yankees.
How can you screw that up?

I don't know.

Hey, I'm sorry, Raymond.

Obviously this is a...

a bad time.

I'm just going
to take my cake and go home.

- Did you need something?
- Oh, no. No, it's nothing.

What's the matter, Robbie?

No, no.
Really, it can wait. It's nothing.

What the hell
is wrong with you?!

I-- I made Lieutenant!

I passed the test.

I'm going to have to wait
till somebody retires,

- but they're going to promote me.
- Oh!

Wow, congratulations,
Robert!

- That is great.
- Thank you.

Uh, yeah, hey...

way to go there, son.

Lieutenant.
That's really up there.

It's very...

very exciting news,
Robbie.

It's very exciting.

My son... a lieutenant.

Oh, I am so happy for you.

- This is really great.
- Thank you, Deb.

- lsn't it, Ray?
- Yeah, it's great.

Listen.

I want
his chocolate sauce.

You're going straight
to bed? You're not gonna

watch TV or read
or anything?

Can't write,
why should I read?

I mean, what's the point?
Really, huh?

What is the point?

Are you finished?

If you're referring
to my writing career.

All right,
all right.

Look, honey,
I know you feel bad

and I'm sorry your book's
not coming out.

But you got a great job
and a family who loves you.

- That's what you always say.
- Oh.

Okay, fine.
That's it.

I'm done. You just
mope away, Mopey.

Hey, look.
You don't understand.

I understand. No.

I know you want to write
a book and you will.

You can dedicate it
to your ex-wife

who couldn't take
your crap any longer.

All right.

That's great.

Great, funny.

Why don't you share a laugh
over that with your boyfriend Robert.

Oh, right.

So that's it. Robert.

- That's what this is all about.
- No!

Did you see him yesterday?

Just flaunting his big news

right in the middle
of my horrible...

time.

He didn't flaunt it, Ray.
We practically had to

- force him to tell us.
- Oh yeah.

Did you force
that big, stupid smile

on his huge clown face?

- You're nuts.
- Yeah, and then--

then you go shower him
with fancy gifts.

It was a sweater,
and it's from both of us.

Yeah, well, I hope it's itchy
'cause that's the part from me.

You know Robert
never gets anything

and the one time that he does,
what do you do?

You slam the table
and you walk out of the room,

you big baby.

Yeah, I'm a baby,

and you're a baby-marrier.

All right,
I slammed the table. So?

All right, here's what's
going to happen.

You're going to go
over there tomorrow

and congratulate Robert
on his success.

So at least you can look in the mirror
and maybe see an adult.

At least I don't see
what Robert sees

when he looks in the mirror--
a stupid giant

with a new sweater
that looks like...

yarn... vomit.

I can't even write
my own talk.

Hey, what are you doing?

Hey, I'm watching golf.

Mom and Dad aren't here,
and I found Bugles.

- You like that sweater, huh?
- Oh, I love it.

Yeah, by the way,
thanks a lot, Raymond.

Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, you're welcome.

Listen, uh...

I want to tell you

congratulations
on your promotion.

That was really something.

Thank you, Raymond.

Thank you very much.

I didn't get a chance
to tell you with all the... hoopla.

Sure, I understand.

By the way, I'm sorry
about your book thing.

- Yeah.
- It's a tough break.

- Yeah.
- Bugle?

Yeah, Bugle.

Oh, what a shot.

- I tell you, Garcia's been hot.
- Yeah.

Hey, we should go
golfing again soon.

- Sure.
- That was fun the last time.

- What'd you shoot?
- 93.

Oh.

That's right 'cause
I think I shot an 83.

I was 10 strokes
better than you.

Hey, if you want,
the next time we go

I can give you some pointers
on your putting.

And I can give you
some pointers on your drives.

- Then we'll go golfing then.
- Yes, we will.

Five bucks...
if you make it in, five bucks.

- You're on.
- Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

Let's make this interesting.
I mean...

it's for five bucks.

All right.
Five bucks.

All right.

You owe me five bucks.

No no no. You said,
"Five bucks if you make it in."

Like, whoever makes it in,
gets the money.

- That's not what I said.
- No, but that's what it means.

All right, you going
to change it now?

All right, first one to get it in,
makes five bucks.

That's what I thought
it was. Let's go.

Ha-ha!

Five bucks, sucker!

No no no!

That's cheating!
You cheated!

- You've got to throw one at a time!
- That was never established.

- That's cheating!
- You owe me five bucks!

Okay, you know what?
We're even, all right!

'Cause you owe me five bucks
from before when you missed it.

- So we're all even.
- No no, you know what?

We're not.
You're right.

I lost both times.

Here's 10 bucks.

It's not right that you lose
everything this week.

- There it is! I knew it!
- What? What?

You've been rubbing it
in my face this whole time!

Yeah, like you haven't been doing
that to me for the past 40 years.

Oh, how long are you
going to sing that song, huh?!

You've been acting like a jerk!
Why don't you just admit it?!

Oh yeah? I'm a jerk?
Who was the one who instead of saying,

"Hey, I'm happy for you, brother,"
threw a hissy fit and stormed out?

For your information,
if you remember, I said, "Great!" Okay?

All right?

And if I was upset,
I had a reason to, okay?

'Cause you waited until
my lifetime dream got crushed

before you made your
big announcement!

Oh yeah? How'd it feel?
'Cause you know what?

- I hope it felt really bad. Yeah, I do!
- Oh, you do, huh? You do?

I hope it felt the same way
you make me feel

every time you prance over
to Mom and Dad's

to tell them about
one of your great accomplishments!

If I do that, it's because up until now,
nobody else had accomplishments!

Well now someone does!

And that's got
to be killing you, huh, Ray?

Shut up!

You know,
'cause I was thinking, Ray,

that a lot of books
get published that suck.

So...

for your book
not to get published--

woo, that's got to be
off-the-charts suck.

You ripped my sweater.

Good. By the way,
the itchy part is from me.

- You give?! You give?!
- No! No!

- Do you give?!
- No, you give!

- Come on, come on!
- Let it go! Let it go!

Come on, baby!
Come on!

- Oh God! No! No!
- Smell it!

Smell it!

You smell it!
You smell it!

Huh?!

You smell it now!

I don't mind!
Smells like victory!

Here's your Bugles!

Oh my God!
What's going on?

Stop it! Stop it!

- Hey, stop it!
- Stop!

- No!
- Stop it!

Get off me!

Hey, those are my Bugles.

Good thing
your mother's here.

Yeah, right.

Awhole boxofBugles.

Look at this carpet.

And the lamp!

This is why
we can't have nice things!

Everybody makes a mess,
and I have to fix it up!

All the time.
Great, all the time.

Oh oh oh! My back!
My back! My back!

Oh, my neck thing.

You two idiots.

I hope you're happy!

I have to eat Funyuns now!

Marie, Funyuns!

We are like idiots.

We have to stop this.
You know, Debra's right.

This competing...

it's stupid.

And your feet stink.

- I don't want to compete with you, man.
- No, seriously, your feet,

you can't smell that?

Why are we like this?
Where does this come from?

I don't know.

Look at this place.

I just want
to say something.

You disappoint me,
the both of you.

Sorry, Mom.

- I'm sorry too.
- And you especially, Robbie.

- Me? Why?
- Why?

Because you
should know better!

You're the older one.

It's true.
You should set an example.

Shh.

- What's the score?
- It's tied.