Everybody Loves Raymond (1996–2005): Season 5, Episode 13 - Super Bowl - full transcript

Nothing but open field
ahead of him.

35, 40,
what a block!

- Ray, phone.
- Take a message.

Ray, phone.

- Hey, get me a--
- No, get it yourself. That's the rule.

Looking
for the blitz...

Hey, Gianni,
you going to the kitchen?

I'm watching the game.

You're not thirsty?

You look
like you're thirsty.

You look
hungry, too.



What do I want?

Pretzels
and ginger ale.

And macaroni
and cheese.

- Man, are they annoying.
- At least you get to go home.

Uh-huh, all right. Thank you,
thank you very much.

Whoo-whoo-whoo!

Yeah, yeah, get a good look
at this face, sucka,

'cause it's the last time
it'll be the face of a man

who's never been to the greatest place
a man could go.

Wherever it is,
I hope they have mouthwash.

Oh, gee,
I don't know.

Do they have mouthwash
at the Super Bowl?

- What?
- Yeah, damn right, "What?"

The paper's
sending me to Tampa



to cover the Friday
press conference,

and then I get to hang out
and go to the game on Sunday.

Whoo-whoo-whoo!

- Oh, congratulations, Raymond.
- Thank you.

You lucky freak
of a moron.

Hey, come on, I don't
know if it's wise

to insult a man
who has an extra ticket.

If you're jacking me around, I'm
gonna rip your arm off at the elbow.

No jack, dude.
You and me leaving tomorrow,

- Super Bowl.
- I don't usually do this.

All right.

This is the greatest moment
of my life.

I love you. Thank you,
thank you, thank you.

- Thank you.
- All right.

This is
incredible, man.

Tomorrow?
I gotta go buy clothes.

- I'm gonna need underwear.
- Yeah, get underwear.

Get some underwear.

- Call you later. Super Bowl!
- Okay, all right.

They still
looking at me?

Oh, yeah.

You know what? I'm just gonna
stand here and wait 'em out.

Oh, did you
do that yourself?

They're coming!

Still there?

Yep.

Would you mind distracting them
with some nudity?

- All right, listen--
- What's this about Super Bowl tickets?

Oh, boy.

You got an extra ticket
to the Super Bowl,

and you're taking Gianni?

That ticket should be mine,
and you know it.

All right, look.
First of all,

put the fork down, Dad.

I'll put the fork down
when there's a ticket on it.

Wait a minute.
What about me?

All right, both of you,
stop it.

Raymond, you have to get
two more tickets.

- I can't do that, Ma.
- Well, just call up someone.

You want me to call?

Ma, there's nobody to...
You can't--

What's the number
of the Super Bowl?

That's now how
it works, Ma.

Look, listen, taking Gianni
is the only fair thing, okay?

If I had asked one of you to go,
then the other one would have been mad.

No, you would have chosen
a family member,

- and that would have been honorable.
- Oh, come on.

Dad, would you have been happy
if I asked Robert to go?

Give me my ticket.

Okay, listen,
you know what?

I don't have a ticket
for either of you. I'm sorry.

I told Gianni I was
gonna take him,

and I'm gonna
take him.

Well, that's the way
it should be, I guess.

You take Gianni, Raymond.
Have a grand time.

Hey, why don't you get one of those
big "number one" foam fingers

and wave it in the air?

'Cause you're number one, Raymond.
You're number one!

But remember this--

"One is the loneliest
number you'll ever do."

Huh?

All right, now that he's gone,
give me my ticket.

- Dad, I told you I don't have one.
- Fine, fine.

Do what you want.

Let me tell you this-- I know what
it's gonna say on my tombstone.

"My son went
to the Super Bowl,

and now I'm dead."

No, don't, don't, Ma.
Don't do it.

What?

Don't try to get me
to change my mind, okay?

I see you're firing up all the pistons
in your little guilt machine.

I don't have a guilt machine,
Raymond.

All I have is the hope

that our family
could be happy.

There's a lot of miles on that machine,
but it runs like new.

Can you believe this? It's the best
assignment I've ever gotten,

and I can't even enjoy it now
'cause everybody hates me.

I understand, Ray.
You know what?

It's your trip, and you're entitled
to take your friend

instead of your brother
or your father...

or your wife.

Wife?

Yeah, wife-- that's me,
remember?

Oh, I know the song...

Yeah.

I know that song.

It was the happiest day
of my life.

You get to go
on this great trip,

and it never even
occurred to you to ask me.

- But that's because this is football.
- So what?

Oh, come on, if you
had two tickets

to the Pottery Barn
Grand Championships,

would you wanna
take me?

Ray, I don't care
about the football,

but what about us
getting away together?

You're going to this nice hotel.
We could have dinner.

Okay, see, that's
the problem. The hotel--

with the paper's budget,
it's probably a halfway house,

and the food's
gonna stink.

You just told me this was the greatest
assignment you'd ever gotten.

That's the key word--
assignment.

Nobody brings
their wives,

'cause that weekend
they're married to the game.

- Assignment.
- You know what?

You said you were
gonna take Gianni,

so you should
take Gianni.

- I told him I was gonna take him.
- All right, so just go.

Look, I don't want to go
if you're gonna hate me.

- I don't hate you, Ray.
- Oh, come on, look.

When I get back, you and l,
we'll go somewhere.

You know, we should because
we never get away together.

- Okay, then we will, all right?
- Okay, yeah.

And we'll go where you wanna go,
you know-- "girlie land."

- Okay.
- Yeah, I mean it.

- All right.
- lt'll be great.

We'll wear matching sweaters,
and we'll walk in the mountains,

and we won't come home
until we find a rainbow.

Okay?

Okay, you're all set.
Somebody will be here in a minute

- to help you with your bags.
- All righty, thank you.

Great.

Hey, Ray, they got a frozen yogurt
machine in that restaurant.

- You want a cone?
- Not now. It's 10:30 in the morning.

- There are no rules this week, pal.
- No.

- I'm getting one.
- Vanilla chocolate swirly.

So Barone finally makes it
to the big one.

Hey, Stu, I didn't know "The Daily News"
covered the Super Bowl.

Oh, yeah,
yeah, funny.

Hey, you know
Mary Jo, my wife.

- Oh, yeah, hi.
- Sure. Hi, Ray.

- How are you?
- Nice to see you.

- Hey, Barone.
- Hey.

- Doug, what's up?
- Not much.

- Hi, Ray.
- Oh, hi, Lori, hi. Boy.

- How you doing?
- Hey, Rich. Hi, Lisa.

- Hi.
- Nice to see you again.

Wow, look at all
you couples, yeah.

- Is Debra here?
- Uh, no, no.

She wanted to come,
but her eye...

She got hit in the head
with a flute, yeah.

- Yeah, the kids, they throw...
- Oh, my goodness.

No, no, she's okay.
She's fine.

She just can't look at things
right now, yeah.

Well, when I see her at school,
I promise not to rub it in too much

about all the fun
she missed.

Yeah, right,
right.

Damn it, that's right.
Yeah, yeah.

Although if you did tell her,
she probably wouldn't understand much,

'cause that flute thing
banged her up pretty bad.

- Yeah, yeah.
- Here you go, Raymie.

Got you sprinkles.

No rules.

I'm sorry, Gianni.

So when does she
get here?

She's driving in
from the airport now, man.

I can't believe
you're bringing her here.

All the guys
brought their wives.

Plus, she deserves
to have some fun, you know?

There's crafts festivals
and outlet stores.

Listen...

it's not gonna affect
us at all, man, huh?

We're still gonna
golf all day.

It's just that at night,
if there's a chance for hotel sex,

I'd rather have her
in the room than you.

You don't know that.

Come on, man, we still get to go
to the Super Bowl, all right?

Isn't that what it's
all about, huh?

The Super Bowl,
we're at the Super Bowl...

I don't feel like
dancing now.

I guess I gotta go move in
with your fat reporter friend.

He's a good guy.
Mike really is. He's a good guy.

Yeah, and where am I gonna end up
tomorrow when you fly in your mother?

Come on, man, just be cool,
all right? Just be cool.

- Hey, hi. Oh!
- Hey, hi!

- Hi, Gianni.
- Hello.

Everything all right?

Yeah, no, no,
everything's great.

See you two later.

Oh, man,
now I feel bad.

No, don't. He still gets to go to
the game on Sunday, and you're here.

- It works out for everybody.
- All right, well--

Oh, my gosh.
Look at this!

Yeah, guess I was wrong about the hotel.
It's pretty nice.

Oh gosh, yeah.
It's just...

Oh, Ray, it's beautiful.
Thank you for calling me.

Well, I mean, it was weird
without you here.

So my mom had no problem
taking the kids?

No. How lucky are we
that she lives across the street?

Whoa, whoa.
What, were you drinking on the plane?

Alittle bit.

So it is so warm here.
I can't believe it.

- It's 15 degrees in New York.
- I know.

Hey, listen, the restaurants
are all closed,

but they got the 24-hour room
service if we want it.

Uh-huh.

Or I could put this
"Do Not Disturb" sign on the door,

and we would not
be disturbed.

Hmmm...

Hold on. Before you
make your decision,

Iet me throw this
into the mix.

Come here.

- You are drunk.
- Oh, yes.

Ray, you wanna get
some breakfast?

Good morning.

Ooh, you look nice.

You should see me
up close.

Yoo-hoo,
anybody home?

- Who's that?
- That's Stu and Mary Jo.

Yeah, last night I told them
that you were coming.

- Mary Jo is here?
- Yeah, yeah.

- Hi.
- Hi.

- Good morning.
- I'm so glad you came.

- How's your eye?
- Crafts festival!

What's up?
I told them to come by,

'cause they're going to this place
that's right up your alley.

They have this international market
set up downtown.

Arts and crafts
from 50 different countries.

50 countries--
I'll bet some of them are foreign.

That sounds great.
So when?

Ray, you should
get ready.

Stu and I gotta go
to that press conference.

Why don't you guys
go ahead?

Okay, so we'll meet you later.
Is there an entrance?

We won't be done golfing. In fact,
you guys should get dinner on your own.

- We'll see you later.
- All right, I'm sure we can manage.

Ooh, Debra, come on.
The shuttle's probably down there.

- Okay, great. So go tchotchke crazy.
- Wait, Ray.

- What?
- Could we talk?

Do you need to get ready?
Do you want me to hold the shuttle?

Yeah, do you want her
to hold the shuttle?

- No, Ray.
- Do you wanna take the next shuttle?

They leave, like,
every half-hour.

I'm not getting
on any shuttle.

Yeah.

She was on a shuttle once
and someone...

called her fat.

Well, maybe Debra can
catch up with us later.

- Yeah, all right.
- I'll see you at the press conference.

Right, I'll see you there.

Don't you wanna go
to the crafts place?

By myself?

No, what are you talking about?
All the wives are going.

That's what happens here. Every day
the ladies do something really cool.

While the men golf.

That's what
happens here.

And when are we together, Ray?
Does that happen here?

I'm gonna see you
tonight, right?

And then it's gonna
really happen.

Come on, why aren't you happy?
I thought you would like this.

Well, I can see
why you like it, Ray.

Because let me see
if I get this itinerary correct.

In the morning, you drop me off
at wives' day camp,

and then at night,
I get to be your Super Bowl whore.

Wow, talk about putting
a bad spin on it.

Well, how would
you describe it, Ray?

It's fun. I'm having fun,
and you're having fun.

Why you gotta get
all potty mouth?

Sorry. My pimp told me
you liked it rough.

What are you talking about?
What did I do wrong?

I should have known
this was too good to be true.

- Will you tell me what the problem is?
- That makes it even worse.

You just don't get it.

No, no, I don't get it.

What? I'm here. I'm at the Super Bowl
with my best friend.

I'm having
a great time,

with your blessing,
mind you,

and then I see the other
wives are here, and they're having fun,

and I thought you
would have fun too. I really did.

I really thought
that you would like it.

Instead, you're yelling at me.
That's not fair.

You weren't even
supposed to be here.

What did you say?

What, the whole thing?

No, just that last thing.

Oh, whatever that was,

that wasn't the last thing,
'cause the last thing

was gonna be "I'm sorry,
and I'm stupid."

Oh, oh...

Come on.

What's the matter?

You know what?
You never make plans with me.

We hardly spend
any time together,

and it doesn't seem
to bother you.

The last thing we did together,
what was it?

We stopped
at a drive-thru

on the way home from me
taking you to the doctor

- to get your ear drained.
- That's right.

We had those great tacos.

Look, I know that this
is the Super Bowl,

but it's just...

I was so happy
on the plane ride over here,

because I thought
that you--

Oh, you know, forget it.
I'm gonna go home.

No, no, you're not
gonna go home.

No, look, I'm not
gonna go golfing.

I'll go to the press conference,
then you and I get the first shuttle

- to the 50 countries.
- No, Ray.

No, come on.
I want to.

Then after that,
we're gonna have dinner,

and then after that, no sex.
You deserve it.

Doing that because you feel
bad is not what I wanted.

Listen, no, that's where
you're wrong, okay?

I want to spend time
with you.

Well, you'll have a good 20 minutes
when you take me to the airport.

Look, that's not even funny.
Would you stop packing?

Please, come on,
we're gonna hang out today.

We're gonna hang out
tomorrow too,

and we're gonna hang out Sunday.
I'm not even gonna go to the Super Bowl.

What?

Listen, I know it's hard
for you to believe me,

but I like spending time with you,
and I mean it. I won't go.

I will not go
to the Super Bowl.

- I get what you're trying to do.
- I'm not trying, all right?

I'm gonna rip up the tickets.
Where are they?

- Yeah, all right, okay.
- You don't think so, right?

You think I'm playing?
All right, just let me find 'em.

- Here they are. Here they are.
- All right, I get it.

- No, you don't get it. There you go!
- Stop! What are you doing?

No, I don't stop it, baby.
I keep going. See?

Maybe you think I could
Scotch-tape 'em back together.

- No, Ray, don't!
- Now I can't.

See?
Whoa, wait a minute.

Here's two little pieces. They fell.
Maybe I can get in with these pieces.

You think so?
I don't think so.

All gone.

I can't believe
you did that.

I love you.

Why would you
do that to me?

You're supposed to be happy.
What are you doing? Hitting isn't happy.

Why would you rip up
the Super Bowl tickets?

I don't want you
to give up the Super Bowl.

How selfish do you think I am?
You love the Super Bowl.

That's the point I'm trying to make.
I love you more than the Super Bowl!

The offer would have
been enough.

For the rest of my life
I'm gonna be known

as the wife who made you
eat your Super Bowl tickets!

No, wait a minute. I only ate
the tickets so you could be happy.

- You have to be happy now.
- Nobody told you to do that!

That's the good part.
I wanna spend time with you!

- I wanna spend time with you!
- We got plenty of time now!

Now I'm a little
unhappy.

What about Gianni?
You ripped up his ticket, too.

What are you
gonna tell him?

That you
made me do it.

Second down and nine

on their own 35.

Just over nine minutes
to go in the quarter,

and they need to score
on this drive.

Looking for the blitz
that he knows is coming...

and it is!