Everybody Loves Raymond (1996–2005): Season 5, Episode 12 - What Good Are You? - full transcript

Going to eat all of that?

I asked you
if you wanted one.

All right, fine.

I was just
thinking that...

right now I could go
for some orange or...

some sex.

Thank you.

You all right?

What's the matter?

What... wrong pipe
or something?

There you go.



Ray, why didn't you
do something?!

What? What do you
want me to do?

You just sat there
and turned up the TV!

T-there was a lot of noise.

Oh..!

Is that how you react
in an emergency?!

It wasn't an emergency.

The thing came out.
There.

Want me to pick it up
so you don't slip on it?

I was choking!

You were coughing.
I mean, coughing's not choking.

All right, I'm sorry!

I guess I should have
done more.

More than nothing, Ray?



Oh, come on.
You're okay, now.

You don't got to be
mad at me, right?

"Mukluk"?

You know, is it too much to ask
for you to save my life once in a while?

I mean, I think it's the least
you could do around here.

Hey, come on. You know
you can always count on me.

- Oh, I can? When?
- When it counts.

I mean, face it.
You're useless in an emergency.

This wasn't
an emergency!

You coughed,
you went, "pwah!"

Right?
That's not choking.

Okay, and if I had been choking,
what would you have done?

If you had really been choking,
I'm sure I would have known what to do.

Oh, it would come to you,
just like that?

Yeah, yeah.
Like the grandma

who suddenly can lift the truck
off the grandson.

Okay, Grandma,
what would you do?

- I would have done the maneuver thing.
- Yeah.

How do you do
the maneuver thing?

You... get around
behind them...

and you...

listen, my specialty

happens to be
mouth-to-mouth.

Hey.

Robert, can you do
the Heimlich maneuver?

- Of course. Why? What's the problem?
- Nothing!

All right, relax, Sergeant Show-off.
Everything's fine.

- Yeah, no thanks to Ray.
- You were choking?

- No.
- Yeah, and he just sat there.

Well he's never been
good in an emergency.

Unless you can't hear a TV during
your emergency, then he's your man.

Hey, the chips
weren't down!

Don't worry Deb,
you're family.

- I'm watching out for you.
- Thanks, Robert.

- Oh, please.
- You know a person can perform

- the Heimlich maneuver on themselves?
- Yeah?

- You better show me how.
- I hear you.

- Okay, you're going to use the chair...
- Yes.

- Just kind of over...
- I hear you too. Yeah.

Hey, Robert.

There's another maneuver
you can perform on yourself.

- Hey, Ma.
- Hello, Raymond. Want something to eat?

- No, I'm not hungry.
- You'll have a sandwich.

Let me get that
for you, here.

There you go.

Thank you.
Actually, I had just closed it.

All right, maybe I'll just hang out here
for a little while.

Oh...
"Celebrate with Celery."

- Thanks.
- What's wrong? What did she do?

Nothing.
She's mad at me.

She was...
eating an orange

and she started
coughing...

and... but not big coughing,
you know?

And I guess I should have
done something or something.

Is that
what she said?

No.

She said she was choking
and I should have saved her life.

Well, you know, Raymond, I have
always found Debra to be very demanding.

You know, so...

I didn't know the exact
right thing to do

at that particular moment.

I'm still...

you know, right?

- What, dear?
- Well like, in an emergency situation...

You'd still
want me around, right?

What kind of emergency?

I don't know.
I save you from something...

a flood, a fire.

- Are there other people around?
- Oh, come on, Ma!

It's just that when it comes
to acting under pressure,

you're not exactly...

but Robert happens to be
very capable.

Yeah, oh yeah, but that's his job.
He's had training.

- Even before the training.
- Let's say Robert's not here.

He's giving CPR
to a kitten, okay?

Then... then
you want me.

Is your father
available?

What?

Say what you will about him, but when
it comes to something like this,

he can be very
impressive.

I mean, his a fighter.
He's got that inner rage.

Actually, he's just looking
for an excuse to use it.

And you like that?

You're the one always complaining
that he isn't sensitive enough.

But you just don't
want sensitive.

Sensitive doesn't scare off a burglar,
or a peeping Tom.

That's a big problem
around here, is it?

How long does it take
to make a friggin' sandwich?

You can't rush the love,
Frank.

He's not the only fighter.
Okay, Ma? I'm tough too.

Chair.

I'm tough
when the chips are down.

What are you talking about?
Marie, chips?

I'm talking
that I'm tough.

Tough to resist.

Yeah, you're tough.

Yeah, what of it?

All right, let's go.

- What?
- Come on, big shot! Arm wrestle!

Oh, Frank, take your elbow
off the table.

Relax, you can have winners.

Come on,
I'm waiting, "Sadie."

I'm not arm wrestling you, okay?
You maniac.

I don't have anything
to prove.

Well, then that proves
something, doesn't it?

Don't listen to him.
Don't listen to him.

You're a sweet boy
and that's what you do.

- I'm not sweet!
- All right, don't get upset.

What I meant to say is that
you're sweet, but you're also manly.

You're a strapping,
virile man.

Said his mommy.

I'm not only
his mommy, Frank.

I'm also a woman.

Oh God.

And you always
do things like that.

I remember you getting
into fights all the time.

Getting picked on, you mean.
A wedgie is not a fight.

Look, you remember that boy who
was bothering you and you walloped him?

Oh, yeah. That's right.
Robert's friend Albert Gomez.

How old was
this bruiser? 10?!

For your information, Dad,
I was 10, okay?

He was 12...
and a half.

Oo-oo-ooh.

He called me
"Big Nose Barone,"

and I said..."Stop."
He said,

"Okay, B.N.B."
I knew what that meant. Yeah.

So I punched him
in the stomach

and he went down
like a sack of doorknobs.

Yeah, it wasn't
"Big Nose Barone" anymore.

It was "Superpunch."

And you don't have
a big nose, dear.

It's perfect
for your face.

- It's perfect for two faces.
- Oh stop it!

All right, Dad!
Knock it off!

- Easy there, "Superpunch."
- Yeah.

What'd they call you, huh?
Superpaunch?

I'm right here.

- All right, let's go.
- Come on, I don't like that!

Stop it!
And not on my egg salad.

- Ready...
- Go.

I'm just playing
with you.

Yeah.
Yeah, sure.

Three... two...

One!

What did you expect, kid?!

It's my TV arm!

You're a bully,
Frank!

Come on, two out of three.
Ow, my funny bone!

- See what you did! He's hurt!
- Oh, it's tingling!

I'll take his sandwich too!

Hey, Nemo. Do you know
what to do if somebody's choking?

Change the special.

Yeah, thanks.

- Hey, Ray, how's it going?
- Hey.

Hey, you were late.
We ordered pizza with jalapenos.

- Deal with it.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

What, you wear the uniform
everywhere now?

I'm on a lunch break.
They make us wear these for work.

- Huh.
- What's with you?

Nothing.

You're a bad brother.

Hey!

Don't say that.

A brother is a friend
given by nature.

Raymond's mad at me because
I showed Debra the Heimlich maneuver.

Is that a euphemism?

You don't come into my house and try
to show me up in front of my wife.

He let her almost
choke to death.

Well that's not right.

She was coughing
on a piece of fruit!

Only thanks to this "boy scout,"
she thinks I'm useless now.

I'd rather be a boy scout
than a girl scout.

What are you saying?

I'm saying... I'll take
a box of thin mints, sweetie.

That's funny.

- What does that mean?
- What do you want to drink, Ray?

- I'll have a coke.
- You want to arm wrestle for it?

That's good. That is good.

Dad had me paged
at work.

Did he tell you that he cheated?
He was using his whole body.

Not to mention
his breath.

Your dad's a real man. He does
what it takes to get the job done.

I get the job done.

Oh, we're getting
some conflicting reports.

Apparently you're weaker
than a feeble old geezer

and you almost lost your bride
to an orange.

- All right, just shut up.
- Come on, Ray!

Our bodies are covered
with hair for a reason.

To nauseate
your fellow diners?

Because we're
supposed to be men.

And Ray, as your friend,

I can honestly say, unless you can
provide for and protect your woman,

you should get out of the way
and give me a shot.

All right!

Look, come on, Debra
would never go for you.

Oh, and who would she
go for, you?

I don't even think
that's a question.

All right,
would you both shut up?

I'm serious.
My legs are taller than you.

Oh yeah?
You're a real man?

Check this out.
I shaved an hour ago.

Again with the hair.
What else you got?

All right, who would Debra
pick first, me or Gianni?

- Whoa!
- Hey, I'm not necessarily out of this.

If Raymond goes, I'm the brother.
I get her. It's in the Bible.

Whoa! Whoa!

- Whoa!
- Okay, all right, look!

Will everybody just leave Raymond
alone? He's obviously sensitive.

And at the end
of the day,

that's what
the ladies like.

Andy, at the end the day,
you have to blow up your lady.

I do fine
with the women.

They find me
cuddly and cute.

And when the poke me
in the belly, I go...

What'd you think?
That I wasn't going to back it up?

Don't listen to them,
Raymond!

You are not useless.

Guys like us don't have
to get caught up

in stereotypical gender roles where
the man has to take care of the woman.

Yeah, okay. Thank you, Andy,
but you're really not helping me

with the me-to-you
comparison, okay?

I don't want to be
taken care of.

What are you laughing at?

I'm just noting the irony
in your statement

in the light of the fact

that you live across the street
from your mother.

What are you talking about?!
You lived there for 35 years!

Lived! Lived!
Past tense!

I'm now miles away
from them.

1.38 miles.

Yeah, yeah. You're the person
I should be taking advice from.

Look, we're just trying
to help you out here,

but you got to bring
something to the table.

Now Andy, he's cute
and squishable.

Gianni is hairy
and scary.

And I happen to be
the perfect... amalgam.

You heard me, amalgam.

You? You're neither
here nor there.

Yeah, okay, look. I don't have
to defend myself to you idiots!

I'm not the perfect man,
but I...

I'm pretty sure I'm the only one
sitting here who has a woman!

For now.

Oh, right.
A-ha!

Very funny,
"Cousin ltt."

Debra happens to like the fact that
I have just the right amount of hair

in just the right
amount of places.

Oh, I'm sure that was
a comforting last thought

before she blacked out.

"Raymond's body's
so smooth.

Like a hairless... cat."

Yeah, bye.
Bye bye.

Hey, come on! Where you going?
The pizza's coming.

Yeah, I'm going home to my wife, okay?
My wife, all right?!

And everything is fine
in my house!

I happen to be
all the man she needs!

Anytime,
anywhere.

Hey there, "Slim-fast."
Oh, give me those bags. Here.

- It's okay, I got them.
- No, let me take them.

- I got it.
- No, I want them. Where do they go?

Right here.

All right,
anything else?

No.
What are you doing?

Just taking care
of a few things.

I checked the smoke detectors.
I changed a light bulb.

Squashed a bug.
Uh...

yeah... made a crackling noise.
Didn't bother me.

- What else? Any bags left in the car?
- Huh-uh.

Hey, how's the car driving?

You want me to pop the hood
and check under the, uh...

thing?

No, the car is really fine.
Where's the ketchup?

Oh, come on!
I know I bought ketchup.

I bet they didn't
put it in the bag.

Those sons of bitches.
I'm going to go down there!

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

- Wait, found it.
- You got it? All right.

'Cause I'd go down there
and come back with two ketchups.

- You okay?
- Yeah, everything's cool.

Just taking care of things.

- What are you doing?
- Just going to put the stool back.

- Oh no, I'll take it.
- I got it, honey.

- No, you don't have to carry it.
- Ow!

- What?
- Splinter.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Splinter.
No, I can do that.

- What's the matter with you?
- You've got a splinter. I'm on it.

- That's okay, I can get it out.
- No, let me!

Don't worry.
Everything's under control. I'm here.

- Tweezers, where are they?
- They're in the drawer over there.

- What are you doing?!
- Just calm down!

Where are
the tweezers?

- They're right there, right there!
- Okay, I got 'em!

Ow... ow... ow!

- You're hurting me!
- Don't worry, I can do this!

- Listen, I can get it out.
- Will you let me do it, please?!

No! I happen to be
good at this!

Please, will you stop it?!
Now stop it! Now stop it!

- Sit down!
- You're freakin' me out!

The chips
are down here!

- Turn around! Will you stop it?!
- Get away from me!

- Chips are down!
- Get away from me!

I...
Hey, Ray, look!

Honey... honey...

I... what, you want to prove
that you're a man

by taking
my splinter out?!

Just admit it...

that you need me!

- Now, give me the splinter!
- Ow!

Ray, get off of me!
What are you doing?!

- You're totally insane!
- No!

Give me the splinter!

- Will you stop it, please?!
- I'll get the tweezers!

I'll get the tweezers!

- I'm trying to help you!
- Ray, I...

- I...
- Just stop it!

- You stop it!
- No, you stop it!

- Honey, come on!
- Stop it! Give me the tweezers!

- Stop it! Stop it!
- Honey...

It's the wrong hand!

Stop struggling!
You've got me all turned around!

Just relax.

- Your knee is in my rib!
- It's okay.

Just stop it for a minute!
Just one minute!

What?

Look...

I know what
you're trying to do

but you don't
have to do it.

I mean, I think
I overreacted yesterday.

- And I'm sorry if I did, honey.
- No... no, you didn't.

I should have done something.
I screwed up.

No, you didn't.
No...

honey, I think you're
a wonderful husband.

No, you don't.

No, yes!

I do.
You're a good man.

Hmmm?

Umph...
come here.

Can I get up now?

- I got to get that splinter out!
- Oh, honey, please!

- I almost got it! I almost got it!
- Sweetie, no!

I'm getting it! I'm getting it!

- It's hurting me!
- Got it!

Yeah!

Oh, yeah!

Oh, you picked the wrong
guy's wife to go into, splinter!

Whoo-hoo-oo!

And stay out!

Look at the size
of that!

- Thanks, Ray.
- Well, you see, it goes one way

and juts another way. That's why
it was hard to rip out of you.

Okay.

All right,
where you going?

Got to go get a Band-Aid now
'cause it's bleeding.

Oh, there...
there is blood.

- Yeah, you all right?
- Yeah. Yeah? Yeah.

- You want me to help you?
- No... no!

- All right.
- I'm fine, it's okay.

All right...
I'm right here...

if you need me.

I don't like blood.

And then the beautiful
princess said,

"Oh, brave
and handsome knight,

thank you for taking

that painful wooden spike
out of my hand.

I will marry you!

I'm lucky to marry you!

And the townspeople
rejoiced.

Except for the...

giant, evil
cowardly brother.

Who was banished
from the kingdom forever.

And had to live
1.38 miles away.

My hero.