Everybody Loves Raymond (1996–2005): Season 4, Episode 22 - Bad Moon Rising - full transcript

It's headed right for the pin.

- All right.
- Oh, man!

Why can't I hit a ball like that?

I could answer that, or you could
just look in the mirror.

All right,
what did I miss?

The Swedish guy
is starting to choke.

Swedish guy?
Who taught him how to swing?

Heidi?

Actually, Heidi was Swiss.

Get out of my chair.

- Hey, can you move over a little bit?
- No, take the middle.



I don't want the middle.
Gianni, move over to the middle.

- Will you just sit down?
- All right,

you're gonna feel
a little man thigh.

- How does that-- you like that?
- Come on!

- Move it already.
- People, shut up, all of you guys.

- What, what's wrong?
- Nothing, it's...

Debra's not feeling well
bio... hormonally.

Oh, got it.
The enemy within.

So, do me a favor,
just don't give her a reason--

be cool,
be cool, be cool.

Hey, Ray, these were on top
of the hamper.

Are they dirty,
or are they clean?

Yeah, those are dirty.

They're dirt-- okay, well, then, Ray,
let me enlighten you



as to how a hamper works, okay?

There's a lid on it,
and that lid lifts up.

Now you take your clothes--
not your clean clothes,

not the clothes you're
wearing right now,

but your dirty clothes--

you lift that lid, you insert
the clothes and you shut that lid.

Yeah, got it, got it.

This is very nice, Ray.
Yeah, this is very nice.

- Pretzel crumbs all over the place.
- I'm gonna clean those up.

Okay, see what
I'm talking about?

Freakin' mood swings.

If they find me
chopped up in a freezer,

don't believe
the suicide note.

It's a beautiful shot.

It's a rough time
of the month.

A lot of criminals turn themselves in
when their wives are like this.

Just do me a favor. Don't be
like animals. I don't need to--

Iceberg dead ahead.

- Coaster, Robert. Robert, coaster.
- What?

Need help?
Need any help?

No, I'm going
to the bank, all right?

Listen, when the buzzer
goes off,

could you maybe take
the clothes out of the dryer?

Yeah, no problem.
How long you gonna be?

Why?

Oh, nothing.
No, take your time, yeah.

Or hurry back if you want to.
It's your choice.

I thought
she'd never leave.

Is Debra aware how
she's coming off to others?

I mean,
she doesn't hear herself.

Then if I bring it up to her,
she gets all nuts and denies it.

That's the sickness.

You should get her on tape
and make her listen to it.

You wanna wear a wire?
I'll shave you down and hook you up.

Why doesn't she just take
something for this?

What's she gonna take?

Raymond, have you ever
been in a drugstore. Huh?

There's a whole wing
dedicated to this problem.

Yeah, all right, what am I gonna do,
buy her something?

Besides, I wouldn't even
know what to get.

Get 'em all.

Yeah, all right. Just don't worry
about me, all right?

I'll just ride it out.

You dumb bastard.

- What?
- "Ride it out."

You put a stop
to this now.

All right, Dad,
all right.

Let me ask you--
she's in a bad mood,

what, two, three days tops?

Not so tough now, right?

Pretty soon
she's gonna get a mood

that lasts five days.

Then it's a week.

And before you know it, what used
to be a bad mood now

takes over and becomes
her only mood.

And then,
you become like me...

where not a day goes by
that I don't wish

there was a comet
screaming towards Earth

to bring me sweet relief.

- What's so funny?
- Dumb bastard. He is a dumb bastard.

Hey, banjo pants.

Hope you're in the mood
for some delicious ltalian.

And I don'tmeanjustme.

Big bag of Nemo's takeout.

Oh.

What? I went by and I stopped,
and I picked up some dinner.

I also picked up some
after-dinner mints,

which for your sake
I've already dipped into.

I've already started dinner.
Why didn't you call me ahead of time?

Who knows?
But look, surprise!

Garlic bread.

Well, I've made a salad,
and I've cooked the rice,

but... forget it.

We'll eat your food.

You all right?

Yeah, it's--

fine. I'm sorry.
Thanks for the dinner.

Don't worry about it.

Look, I know a lot
of stuff's going on femininally.

You know...

I know it's not your fault.
I understand that.

It's, uh--

you know, it's like
a Jekyll and Hyde thing.

Only more Hyde.

If he's the bad one.
It was Hyde, right?

Whatever-- whatever--
whatever it is, I know it's not you

that's yelling at my friends
for making a mess

or getting all crazy
about clothes on the hamper.

I know that
that's not you.

That's Hyde.

If he was the bad one.

But you know what?

While I was out today,
I got you something.

I really-- I want to help you
feel better, you know,

and-- and-- and this should take care
of all your symptoms.

Except for bitchy,
right, Ray?

What do you mean?

I mean, there's nothing
in here for bitchy.

Probably need
a prescription for bitchy.

This is just like you, Ray.

Just when I think that
you can't be any more insensitive,

you rise to the occasion.

Hi, are the kids home yet?
I've got cookies.

Oh, Mama, Mom, Mom.

- Please, go home. It's not a good time.
- That's okay.

She can stay if she wants.
I'm not afraid if she hears this.

Jekyll would be.

I cannot
take this anymore.

Okay, you make a huge mess,
you don't help me at all,

you invite your friends over
to drive me crazy all day

and all you can think of is,
"Oh, she must have PMS.

Let's just load her up
with drugs."

No, it's got
St. Johns worts in it.

I can't believe you.

If there's ever anything
wrong, it's PMS, huh?

I don't know what to do!
Sometimes I just want to smack you!

Debra's right, Raymond.

- I'm sorry.
- You smacked me.

I know I did.
I'm sorry.

W-w-what did
you do that for?

It's just that it sounds
like you're becoming

just like your father.

- What are you doing?
- I don't know.

I don't know.
It's just that--

he was so awful during my...

Iadies' days.

Anytime I happened
to make a comment

about his usual
disgusting behavior,

- he would just blame it on that.
- That's what Ray does.

That's what they all do.

What are you talking about?
I'm just trying to help.

- You should be quiet.
- Yes. Yes.

Oh, no, he is trying to help.
Look what he did.

Look what he bought me.
Magic pills, huh?

Maybe I should try some.

Oh, look, Ray's clothes
just flew off the bed

and into the hamper.
These really work.

Let me have one.

Oh, Frank's toenails
just crawled right

into the garbage can.

What are you--

what are you doing, Mom?
It's me, Raymie.

Raymond, you know that I always
let you two fight your own battles,

but I can't let you go on with
this cycle of your father's imbecility.

- I'm out of here.
- Oh, come on, where you going?

Maybe I'll call Amy. Maybe I'll go
to the mall, do some shopping.

I'm leaving, too.
I'm gonna talk to your father.

Oh, please, come on.
Debra, Debra, please.

Don't say one more word,
or I'll send your mother

right back in here
to smack the crap out of you.

Three-game series
is even at one apiece.

- Hi.
- Oh, you're home.

You have a good time?

- Yeah.
- What did you do?

I told you.
I went shopping with Amy.

Shopping.
For five hours.

Where are your
shopping bags?

I didn't buy anything.
We just walked around for awhile,

went back to Amy's
and just sat around, talking, relaxing.

Oh, sit around
talking, relaxing.

Wanna hear my evening?
I fed the kids dinner.

Peanut butter and jelly.
Then I gave 'em a bath

'cause they were covered
in peanut butter and jelly.

Then I'm mean 'cause
I won't let them sleep in a tree house

and then they went to bed
yelling and screaming.

So, that was my evening,
thank you very much.

Well, that's my evening
every night, so--

Oh, don't even!

You just wanted me
to suffer tonight.

- What?
- Yes. It's not fair.

You get to walk out and do
whatever you want and--

Iet's just say it--
use your ladies' days as an excuse

to treat me rotten
every month.

My needing to get out
of here once in a while

has nothing to do
with my ladies' days.

Bull-loney.

- What?
- Baloney!

You wanna see?
'Cause I don't care, okay?

I don't care anymore. I tried
to be nice and that doesn't work.

Here, look at this.
Do you see this day? That's today.

Now this is last month.

What a coincidence that
on the same day last month

I found my golf clubs
upside down in the garbage can!

I'm telling you,
I'm sick of this, all right?

Every month the same wacko
screaming at me for no reason!

Having meltdowns and crying,
crying over nothing!

And you won't even
admit what it is,

and God forbid I should mention
what might be the problem!

You know what I think?
That you enjoy your ladies' days,

'cause I deserve to be treated
like this. "Look what day it is.

Oh, come here, Ray."
Pow pow pow!

"Oh, I've been
saving that up."

And then after a couple
days of that, you're like,

"Oh, sorry, Ray, I was
just a little bit... you know."

And by the way,
the next time I used those clubs,

I shot a 1 10,
so don't think I don't know

you didn't put
a curse on them.

You are out
of your mind.

No, you are!

Once a month!
If what I'm saying isn't true,

how come you don't treat me like this
on all the other days?

I treat you just fine, Ray.
You're just mad,

'cause you had to spend one
lousy night with the kids!

- You don't go crazy this time of month?
- No.

You remain perfectly calm,
don't overreact,

don't treat me meanly or yell at me
like a screaming raving maniac?

No, I do not.

4:38 today...

right when
the guys went home.

I've told you
eight million times,

when you empty the dryer
you clean the lint screen!

Look at all this lint.
What, do you like lint, Ray?

Maybe I'll get you some
for your birthday.

Happy birthday, Ray.
Here's your lint!

I just thought you'd,

you know, wanna hear
what you sound like

when you're like this.

Okay?

You are a gigantic ass!

10:32, "gigantic ass."

Listen, I'm sorry.

I know what it's like
to hear yourself on tape.

I remember when I heard
my first radio interview.

First of all, I sounded
like Snuffleupagus.

I said, "Do I really
sound like that?"

- And Andy--
- Oh, would you stop it?

I'm not crying because
of what I sound like.

I'm crying because I'm married
to an insensitive derfwad,

who instead of trying
to make life better for his wife,

tape records her so he has proof
that she's a terrible person.

What's a derfwad?

What, was that tape
for the guys, huh?

"Hey, come on, fellas,

step right up and listen to the witch
who killed my good time."

- No no, it's just for us.
- Yeah yeah.

Where's my
tape recorder, Ray?

Where was my tape recorder when I was
in labor with the twins for 36 hours

and you were asking the nurse
if the TV gets ESPN?

- 36 hours, that's not a short time.
- Yeah, guess what?

It's even longer when you're trying
to push two human beings out

of your body while
your husband's going,

"Does this hospital
have fudgesicles?"

Yeah, where's my
tape recorder, huh?

Or when you ask me why I get so upset
because I find your underpants

in the kitchen, huh?

Or when you start snoring
at my grandmother's funeral?

Or when you tape
a football game

over our wedding video?!

Do you really need
a tape recorder?

- You seem to remember everything.
- Yeah.

That's right, Ray.
I remember everything,

and I'm not gonna
forget either.

Honey, I think you make
some excellent points here,

but I can't help wondering
that maybe part of the reason

you're so upset right now might
possibly be PMS-related.

Would somebody get me
a tape recorder?

Because I cannot
believe you said that!

- I just don't know what to do.
- Yeah. Yeah, no kidding.

Listen, if I had PMS--
and I'm not saying that I have--

is that how you
help me, by taping me,

by telling me I have PMS? That doesn't
help me, Ray! That doesn't help me!

Well, what do you
want me to do?!

I don't know what to do!
Show me what to do!

- Just draw it out for me!
- How about giving me a hug?

Ahug?!

Yes, a hug. Did you
ever think of hugging me, you jerk?!

Well, it's pretty hard to hug
someone who's trying to kill you!

Yeah, well, it never occurred to you.
You've never tried it before!

Well, look, this is not huggable!

This-- this is not Debra.

This is the woman shows up
once a month to rip into me

Iike a monkey
on a cupcake!

All right, that's it!
That's the reason I taped you,

so you could hear yourself
and maybe admit that

there might be a problem

that isn't just me being
a dorkwang or whatever!

Hello.

Hi, Amy.

Yeah yeah.

You went back
for that dress?

How much was it?

Oh, you are so bad.

Yeah, right right right
right right right.

Oh, God. I know.
Me too. Me too.

Oh my God.

Okay, listen,
I'll call you tomorrow, okay?

Okay. All right,
bye-bye.

Jeez.

Feeling better?

She's so funny.

Yeah, she is.

Could we put her number
on speed dial?

Listen, Ray.
I'm sorry.

I guess I am
a little-- you know.

Didn't want
to say anything.

Listen, l...

I don't mean to lay
into you like that.

I know.
I know. I know.

Come on, sit.

No, it's okay.

Ray.

Honey, listen.
It's just that, you know,

I need a little understanding.

Just a little caring.

I need to know that, you know,
if I'm going through a rough time,

that you're there for me

and that you wanna,
you know,

just take care of me.

I do want to.

You're my girl.

I love you, Ray.

- Oh, God, you're a mess.
- I know.

Listen, you want to just
try those pills that I got you?

'Cause I really just
want you to feel better.

Yeah, I know, but I just
want you to know that,

you know, no pill
is gonna solve everything.

- Yeah, I know that.
- Any idea what goes on in here?

- Let me just get 'em.
- I know, but I just--

yes, there's all these emotions
and feelings, but l--

I'm very into all of that.
Let me get the pills.

Here we go.
Here we go.

It's okay. It's okay.
Look, it's for bloating--

"for bloating, cramps"
and right there,

"irritability associated with PMS."
We have a winner.

Goes great
with ginger ale.

Okay, here we go.

Here we go.

What? Hey, come on.

Why don't you just lock me
in the attic for a few days?

You're the one-- you're--

You're the one
who said, "Hug me."

The hug was your idea.

Come on, comet.

So you think I'm just
rude and insensitive?

That I'm so tough to live with,
and you're the Queen of Sheba?

Did you ever hear yourself?

Well, in case you haven't,

here's a little trick
that my boy Raymond taught me.

I said, "Where's my eggs?"

Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.

Wait a minute.
Here it is.

What? It's just my feet!
They're not dirty.

Oh, crap.
Hey, where you going?

You scared you're gonna
hear something you don't like?

If I scratch it,
it's because it itches!