Everybody Loves Raymond (1996–2005): Season 4, Episode 21 - Someone's Cranky - full transcript

Robert is still recovering from his bull accident. He finds out he has to stay 3 more weeks with Frank & Marie before moving back to his apartment. He is cranky and taking it out on everyone. Debra tries to make his birthday festive.

-Oh, hi, dear. You hungry?
- Hey.

No, I'm good.
Debra made lunch.

Oh, a wonderful sense
of humor.

Robbie, I'm gonna do a load
of your socks and underpants.

Now, are you wearing today's
underpants or yesterday's?

- They're fine, Ma.
- No no, let me see.

- No no no no no no.
- No no no.

Don't! Come on!

Robert, you know the most
important pants a person has?

- Underpants.
- I know, Ma.

You remember when you ran out
of underpants that time?



It was the fifth grade, Ma.

And you had to wear a pair
of Raymond's underpants to school.

Eww! You never told me that.

I'm checking your dresser.

Hey, Ray, did you hear my imitation
of Robert's tushy cushion?

How about a salad, fatso?

Asalad!

Oh, man.

Talking tushy cushion.
That's clever.

Yeah, you should hear his new bit
about the toilet seat talking to me.

How do you do it?
How do you live with them?

If I were you, I would be
wiping off my fingerprints

and rehearsing
my 911 call.

Oh, you get used
to them, you know?



It's like an impacted
wisdom tooth.

Without the wisdom.

My "TV Guide" is missing!

I left it on the armrest of the sofa,
now it's not on the armrest of the sofa!

Where is my "TV Guide"?

- Ma had it last.
- Marie!

"TV Guide"!

Yeah.

Gotta have a little fun, right?

Oh, did you do that yourself?

They're coming!

So, this is good, huh?

You and me watching
a ballgame.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, this is nice.

- There's another game next week--
- Shut up, it's back on.

Hey.

Listen, is Robert around?

Marie took him
to his doctor's appointment.

Oh, good.
'Cause I wanna talk to you guys.

Oh, good Lord Almighty, what?

Now, listen.

Listen up, I've been thinking about
what to get Robert for his birthday.

Uh, all right.
All I have is a 10.

Can this be for Christmas too?

Hey, can I go halfsies with ya?

You know, that's exactly why we need
to do something nice for Robert.

Because not only did he
get gored by a bull,

but he's had to put up with that kind
of stuff for three months.

What does she want,
another 10?

Hey, how did Robert's
appointment go?

- Not good.
- What do you mean? What happened?

I asked the doctor
about the clicking in my jaw

when I chew sometimes,

and he said there isn't much
I could really do about it.

I have a suggestion.

- What about Robert?
- Oh, no...

he's good.
His therapy is going very well.

In fact, he can move back
into his apartment in three weeks.

Oh my God,
another three weeks?

- Hey, Robert.
- Hey, Robert.

Well, I suppose you heard
my wonderful news.

Yeah, three more weeks.

- Three more weeks.
- No, listen.

Three more weeks.

Well, if you say it like that...

Here, let me try.

Bubonic plague.

Hey, what do you got?
Is that a new cushion?

Whoo. Boy, I wish
I had one of those.

Man, that is... sweet.

Robbie, three more weeks
is not so bad.

And your father and I will help you
with your stretching.

I just wanna say,
if you do the one

where you throw your legs
over your head,

all baggage must be
completely stowed.

All right, go ahead and laugh,
that's what everyone else does.

Listen, we were just talking
about your birthday.

Oh, yeah yeah,
my birthday.

Happy birthday to the middle-aged man
who is back living with his parents.

# And many more. #

Oh, you drank all the coffee.
Thanks, I'm gonna get...

- Raymond!
- Hello, son.

- Hey.
- We were just having some coffee.

- Would you like me to make you some?
- No, thanks.

Uh, how are you?

- What's going on?
- What do you mean?

- Why did you tell me to come over?
- What? We like you.

Can't we just want to see you.
Is that such a crazy--

- Robert's killing us.
- I can't take it anymore!

- What are you talking about?
- Your brother, he's a jerk.

- No, he's not a jerk, Frank.
- He acts like it's so horrible

having to stay with us.
It's no pony ride for us either.

He won't even do his exercises.

He just sits around the house
insulting us.

This morning he told me
that my pancakes were... dry.

And yesterday he told me
I smelled like a billy-goat.

Which wasn't true yesterday.

- Raymond, please talk to him.
- What? No no. No way.

- Come on, he's your brother.
- He's your son!

You're gonna throw
that in my face?

Raymond, we don't know
what else to do.

He's probably just
going stir-crazy here.

Hey, I have an idea.
Why don't you guys move?

Why would you say that?

Hmm.

- I'll talk to him.
- I don't understand why you would--

I'm talking to him!

Hey. Are you stretching?

No, I dropped a Fruit Loop
under the couch.

So... Mom and Dad starting
to get to you?

Starting to get to me?

They've burrowed into my head
and they sit on my brain,

poking the backs of my eyes.

Yeah, they'll do that.

But, maybe you should
cut them some slack.

What?

Yeah, 'cause they mean
well, you know?

Well, Mom means well,
Dad's just mean.

What, they sent you
in here to talk to me?

No. No, not at all.

Come on, Ray, everybody knows
you're Ma's little lapdog.

- What are you talking about?
- You know, she gives you treats,

and you scamper around,
doing tricks

Iike a trained poodle.

I think I'll start
calling you "Princess."

I'm not a poodle, Robert.

Princess want a Fruit Loop?

Are you just gonna be
a pain in the ass to everybody?

Oh, yeah yeah,
there you go.

Pain in the ass,
I get it.

That's not what I meant, huh?
Come on.

Hey, don't act
so innocent, okay?

You were the first one
to find humor in my...

discomfiture.

Yeah yeah, thanks
for the laughs, funny man.

So you're gonna be
mad at me now,

just because you've gotta spend
three more weeks here?

Oh, how could l
be mad at you...

Princess?

God, you are a jerk.

How did it go in there?

Yeah, l, uh, stuck my fingers
in his Fruit Loops.

What the hell is that?
Get back in there.

No no, look,
he's out of his mind.

No, don't leave, Raymond.
Please, here,

Have a brownie.

One.

Aw, a treat
for Mommy's snookums.

Ma, tell him
I'm not your lapdog.

He's not my lapdog, Robert.

I just wanna thank everybody
for being such a loving family.

I'm in there with a bull hole in me,
and you're in here calling me "jerk."

That's nice.

Hey, if you're having
such a bad time living here,

- then don't!
- You want me out?

You don't have to finish
your rehab here, man.

- Just move out.
- That's right.

You're pretty much back
on your big clown feet.

My feet are proportionate
to my height.

And maybe I will move out.
Would you like that, Ma?

Whatever makes
you happy, dear.

- Okay, fine. I'm going right now.
- Good!

I'll be back for my personal
effects tomorrow.

- Take your time!
- I'm outta here!

You gotta move your car,
it's blocking me.

My pleasure!
Marie, move the car.

- I don't have your keys.
- I don't have them.

- You're always hiding them.
- Nobody hides your keys, Frank.

If you just put them on the hook
where they belong--

Don't tell me to put them on the hook.
I hate putting them on the hook!

- Are your pants upstairs?
- I don't leave my keys in my pants.

How about the time you left
them in the front door, senile?

How about the time you had them
in your hands. "Where are my keys?

Where are my keys?"

All right, all right, wait, I forgot.

I had them.

And here's your "TV Guide"
and here's your big spoon.

I hope you're gonna
boil that spoon.

Happy birthday, Robert.
We just wanted to stop--

We?

Come back here!

They're just kidding,
you know?

Get over here!

- Hi.
- Hey, what's up?

Happy-- hello.

Go inside.

Ah, oh God,
what the hell is that smell?

I left a carton of milk out the day
I got gored by the bull.

Apparently, if you leave
milk out for 12 weeks,

it goes bad
and then explodes.

However, this is
"lavender bouquet."

Can we use it to light
the apartment on fire?

Robert, do you have
any more candles?

Or an old sneaker
I can bury my face in?

Make yourselves at home.

Or not.

I say "not."

I have my perfume.

Yeah, that's good, Ma.

Now it smells like a cow died
in a whorehouse.

Why don't we open
a window, huh?

Yeah, and jump out!

Oh.

Is that the cake
you made?

You know, you could
have made one, Marie.

The way Robert's behaving?

No, he doesn't deserve
one of my cakes. This is perfect.

Okay, you know what?

I think we all need to be a little more
understanding of Robert.

That is what families
are supposed to do.

Is that some of your
I'm-okay-you're-okay

hippie crap?

No, it's just right.

Peace, man.

Oh, you're still here.

We're not gonna leave, Robert.
It's your birthday.

And by the way...

this is for you.
It's from all of us.

Huh? It's a gym membership.

Okay, that's it. Let's go.

Ray... wait a minute.

Aw, pictures of beautiful
people running, rowing

- and lifting weights.
- Nice, huh?

Yeah yeah, everybody can
build up their arm muscles

pointing and laughing
at Sergeant Chubsy-Ubsy.

Robert, we just thought
that it might help you.

I'll tell you what, Deb,
why don't you take it, huh?

You can go and exercise
and lose like half a pound

and then officially be perfect.

# Perfect Debra,
sitting in a tree #

# P-E-R-F-E-C-T. #

Hey, that rhymes.

Look, Robert.
We were just--

All right, listen listen.
Thanks for the present,

thanks for coming over,
thanks for everything, everybody, okay?

You may wanna go now. The birthday boy
is gonna blow out the candle.

Just for the record, I said
we should get him a stripogram.

I'm gonna talk to him.

All right, Deb, just stop it
with the understanding bit.

It's not a bit, Ray.

You know, if Debra
really understood people,

she wouldn't serve that cake.

Hey!

Okay, Robert, listen.
Stop feeling so sorry for yourself!

- I'm not feeling sorry for myself.
- Yes, you are.

Spouting off at the family
and insulting everybody.

You just love playing
the victim, don't you?

Okay, thank you. You can go back
to being Princess Fabulosa now.

Hey, you better be
nice to me, pal,

'cause I'm the last person in the family
that doesn't want to climb up there

and strangle you!

Oh, a height joke.
Thank you, Your Majesty.

Yeah, it's very refreshing
after all the bull-in-the-ass jokes.

You know what I think?

I think you love that bull.

I think you were
so happy he found you,

because he's a two-ton
excuse for your life!

That's right.
You were a victim before that bull.

You've been a victim your whole life,
because there's nothing easier

than playing the victim,
is there, Robert?

Why are you
picking on me?

See? Again!

"Wah wah wah, my mother doesn't pay
enough attention to me.

I broke up
with my girlfriend.

Raymond has a better life than me.
Wah wah wah."

- I don't say "wah wah wah."
- You're sounding like that right now.

That's because I just said
"wah wah wah!"

Listen, bad stuff
happens to me, okay?

I don't imagine these things,
I'm just reporting the facts.

The fact is, you love to suffer.
You were so mad

about having to leave
your parent's house.

Are you out of your mind?
I couldn't wait to get out of there.

Oh, really?
You don't seem so happy to be here.

I have a milk situation.

Admit it, you loved being
at your parent's house,

because that's
the Holy Land of self-pity.

You weren't unhappy because you had
three more weeks to stay there,

you were unhappy because you had
only three more weeks to stay there.

Oh my God!

Oh my God!

- Robert--
- Maybe you're right, Debra!

No, I'm not. I'm not right.
Stop crying.

Sure, I've put on a big show

about how Ma loves
Raymond better

and Dad's an ogre,
but they do take care of me!

O-- okay.

I've got a place to sleep,

Iaundry, the food
is unbelievable!

Her lasagna, her pie,

even something as simple
as Cream of Wheat,

which you wouldn't think would
be different from one place to another.

I don't know why,
but hers is better.

Robert, l--
I didn't mean to suggest--

Oh my God!

You know, maybe I never
wanted to move out of there.

What kind of a nutjob am l?

- Nutjob! Nutjob!
- No no!

Robert, you're not.

You're right, Debra.
You're right.

Maybe-- maybe I don't wanna
get better.

I must love being the victim.

Oh my God,
I'm doing it right now!

Look at me!

I don't think
I can stop, Debra.

I don't think I'm ever
gonna stop!

Help me out of this!

Please, help me out of this!

Robert, you're crushing me!

Oh my God!

I am a nutjob!
Nutjob!

- I'm a loser.
- No.

- I am such a loser!
- Oh, no!

Robert, no, come on.
Robert, look. No, listen.

You're not so--

Iisten, I feel sorry
for myself too sometimes.

Not like me.
I got issues.

No, I have my moments.

Yeah, you. Like what?

Like, um, okay.
For instance,

you know I grew up
in a nice, normal family,

I was used to people
being a certain way.

And then I married
your brother,

which is great, but...

they are over,
every day, a lot!

"Hello, dear."
"Holy crap!"

"Hello, dear."
"Holy crap!"

I mean, you know,
on Friday,

your mother was over nine times,
in one day! Nine times!

And at times like that
it's hard for me not to say,

"Why me?"
You know, "Why me?"

Why why why
why why why?

"Why me?"
That's one of my favorites.

That's probably why I've been the only one
who has been able

to put up with you lately,
'cause we're a little bit alike.

You think so?

Sure.

Robert, I'm--
I'm sorry I yelled at you.

No no. I deserved it.

I'm sorry I called you perfect.

It's okay.

Well, do you feel better?

Yeah. A little dehydrated...

Come on, let's get
out of here, huh?

Okay.

Thanks, Debra.

You're a good sister-in-law.

Thanks. You're a pretty good
brother-in-law.

So, we-- we really are
kind of alike aren't we?

I mean, you feel sorry for yourself too
when Mom and Dad bug you?

Oh, absolutely, yeah.

Yeah, but then deep down,
you really kind of like it, right?

Yes! Yes, I do.

You're sick too.

Hey, everybody.

Just wanted to, um...

apologize for the way
I've been lately.

Debra talked to me, and, uh...

I'm actually feeling
better now, so...

if you can all forgive me,

I'm glad you came over
and, uh, let's have some cake.

Was that you crying in there?

Frank.

No, it's all right, Robbie.

You're never too big to cry.

Although...

you might be getting
close to the cut-off point.

You know what, Robbie?

You need to air
this place out overnight.

And tomorrow I'll come in
and give it a good once-over.

So tonight you'll sleep
at our house,

and I don't wanna hear
any argument from you.

All right, if that's
what you want.

Come on, let's go home
and we can have the cake there.

Oh, no no no no, dear.
I have some cake at home.

Why don't we leave
your cake here?

It goes so well
with this apartment.

Hurts so good, huh?