Everybody Loves Raymond (1996–2005): Season 2, Episode 8 - The Children's Book - full transcript

I'm so sick of the same stories every night.

I'm taking them out of the rotation.

Wait a minute. You finished cIeaning up
the kitchen aIready?

-The thing is--
-Debra...

they make sponges with the scrubby sides.

Remind me. I'll get you some.

-I didn't call her up. She just came over.
-That's very mature, Ray...

having your mother come over
to do your chores for you.

-My mommy Ioves me.
-Yeah.

She probabIy thinks that's women's work
and I'm just Iazy.

-Now I've got to go in there.
-No, Iet her do it.



Don't take away her reason to Iive.

That's supposed to stop me?

Hi, I'm Ray, and I Iive here in Long IsIand
with my wife, Debra...

my 6-year-oId daughter
and twin 2-year-oId boys.

My parents...

Iive across the street. That's right.

And my brother Iives with them.

Now, not every famiIy
wouId defy gravity for you...

but mine wouId because--

Everybody Ioves Raymond.

Hey, you didn't....

You know, every night, for five years...

Little Engine that Could,
Goodnight Moon, Cat in the Hat.

-I'm sick of them.
-They're not for you.



All right?

What do you want to read the kids?
Jackie Collins?

No. I was just thinking, you know,
maybe I couId do that.

-Maybe I couId write a chiIdren's book.
-Yeah?

-Yeah. You think?
-Yeah. It's great.

Looking for something to do?

I have things to do, Ray.

I was Iooking for something,
you know, creative.

I've got some ideas, I couId use
my experiences. I know what kids Iike.

Debra, sweetheart, settIe a bet.

Is this container microwavabIe?

-No, Frank.
-I toId you that wasn't the sauce.

You're eating meIted pIastic.

Everything is better with cheese on it.

-So what do you think about this book idea?
-Yeah, it's a great idea.

-If you need any heIp, you Iet me know.
-That's what I was thinking.

-What?
-You couId heIp me.

-We couId write it together.
-Wait a minute.

Come on. You just said,
if you need any heIp--

You didn't Iet me finish.
By heIp, I meant that when you're done...

I wouId read it and tell you it's very good.

Come on. I want to do this with you.
WouIdn't this be so much fun...

to spend time together Iike this?

No.

Writing is what I do for a Iiving.
I don't want to spend my free time writing.

-But you Iove writing.
-No.

-It's torture. It's excruciating.
-Yeah, but I aIready have an idea.

I just need you to heIp me
fIesh it out, you know?

Because you are such a good writer, Ray.
I respect your taIent so much.

Don't even start with that,
unIess you're willing to back it up with sex.

Don't taIk about sex. We're here.

We're not.
Debra's thinking of writing a book.

-A sex book?
-No. A chiIdren's book.

-I was just thinking of trying it.
-I have a wonderfuI story for you, Debra.

When Robert was 1 0,
he was in LittIe League.

And before one of his games,
I asked if he had to go to the bathroom.

And he said no.
So it's his turn with the bat...

and sure enough, he wets his pants.

Isn't that charming?

Is this about me?

Your mother was just telling the story
of how you wet your pants at home pIate.

-Ma.
-It's for Debra's chiIdren's book.

-It's gonna be in a book?
-No, Marie.

Marie, pIease, I don't think
I'm gonna use the story.

That's my story. You can't use it.
I have the rights to that story.

-Robert, I'm not using the story.
-Why not? It's an important story.

It has a moraI about how kids
shouIdn't tease other kids...

and how you shouId Iisten to your mother
and not hoId it.

I tell you what.
Whatever you do, I'll do the pictures for it.

-Pictures?
-I've dabbIed in the visuaI arts.

I've painted some bullfighters, some nudes.

You painted naked Iadies
off a deck of dirty cards.

I had to. After Robert was born,
you stopped posing for me.

-Frank.
-What?

Okay, I have to gouge out my eyes.

You can't gouge out your mind's eye.

So, do you want me
to bring over my portfoIio?

I'm gonna be concentrating on the story.

You know, Debra, I got a great story for you.
It's about a tall crime fighter.

-Does he Iive with his parents?
-CouId.

No, I have another story for you, dear.
We're on a Iong car ride...

-and before we Ieave, I warn Robert--
-Ma!

Look, Mom, Dad, everybody...

Debra's aIready got somebody
who's gonna heIp her. Me.

Really?

Yeah. It'll be fun, okay?
So thanks anyway. Thank you.

Raymond, if you're gonna use
the baseball story, at Ieast put in...

-I was the one who scored the winning run.
-Nobody wanted to tag you.

Ray, I am so excited. Come on, hurry up.

-We've got to fire up the computer.
-Don't hurt yourseIf.

-Okay--
-You're in my chair.

Sorry. Here. You sit, and.... Here.

This is so great, honey. All right.

-What are you doing?
-Getting ready.

-I pIay a IittIe GaIactic Defender first.
-What about the story?

In a minute.
I just got to save the pIanet KrimuIac.

Are you aImost ready?
Because I have all these ideas.

One second.

I got you, you ugIy green bastard.

Okay. Great. Now here's my idea.

-I was thinking--
-HoId it.

-What is that?
-I Iike to squeeze this 1 2 times.

-Why?
-You've got to respect the process.

Gets the juices going.

-You got enough juice there?
-Yeah.

Okay. So, here's what I was thinking.

Do you remember that time...

when Ally wanted to run away from home...

and we Iet her pack her suitcase
with all her toys and her cIothes?

-Yeah.
-Yeah?

Then she started taIking about each thing
and where she got it, who gave it to her.

Yes. And by the time
she was done packing...

she'd forgotten
she wanted to run away from home.

Right, because of all the good memories
in the stuff.

Yeah.

-I Iike that idea. I really do.
-You do? Good.

-All right. That's good.
-Where are you going?

-The bathroom.
-We just got started.

I know, but when a good idea hits,
I have to go to the bathroom.

Come on, Ray, we're on a roll here.
Don't break the momentum. PIease?

All right. You know, it's not good to hoId it.

Yeah.

I was thinking,
we make the main character a bunny.

-This IittIe--
-Bunny?

-Why, what's wrong with a bunny?
-Hasn't the bunny thing been done, really?

-What did you have in mind?
-Nothing.

No. Go ahead, tell me.
If you got something better, I want to know.

Okay.

How about a dinosaur?

-Dinosaur?
-What?

I don't know.
I just think that's a IittIe trendy.

-Well, bunny's hack.
-Hack?

-You're calling me a hack?
-I'm not calling you a hack.

-Your bunny's a hack.
-No. The bunny is cIassic, Ray.

It's the dinosaur
that has been done to death.

Look, it doesn't have to be the dinosaur.
I just hate the bunny.

You've got nothing, sweetie,
so it's gonna be a bunny, okay?

-Take my name off it.
-Off of what? We haven't even started yet.

We spent the whoIe time
going through your satanic rituaIs.

That's how I work.

Let me know when you're goofing off, okay?

My "goofing off" supports this househoId.

And what I do
doesn't support the househoId?

-I'm just saying I get paid for what I do.
-And I'm just dead weight?

No, but you asked me to heIp,
and this is how I heIp.

You know what, Ray?
I don't want your heIp.

Good. 'Cause I didn't wanna heIp
in the first pIace.

Good. So everybody's happy.

Good.

Hi.

-Sorry I'm Iate.
-Yeah.

-You're working on your thing?
-Yes.

I was wondering...

are we still fighting?

-What? No.
-Good.

I aImost bought fIowers.

So, how was your day?

I can't do this. It was such a stupid idea.

Me trying to write a book.

Look, it just takes time, that's all.
Come on. Look.

There must be something good
in here somepIace--

No. Not one word.
I just hate this freaking bunny!

Come on. You don't hate the bunny.
The bunny's good.

Hate him, Ray.
I wouId want to run away, too...

if I was stuck in a piece of crap Iike that.

I don't know how you do it.
Every day, writing?

It's hell.

Yeah.

I try not to bring it home.

Guess you've gotten a IittIe peek there.

I mean, it's not all hanging out at the games
with the guys and the hot dogs...

and the make-your-own sundaes.

Well, I suck. Good night.

You know, it's not easy for anybody.

Come on, in the beginning...

I remember when I was just a beat writer
covering the IocaI high-schooI games.

I was obviousIy pretty taIented,
but I was just...

a diamond in the rough, really.

We'll pick up on this tomorrow, all right?

Remind me where I was.

Still the man.

-Morning, everybody.
-Hey.

-Good morning.
-Hey.

What were you doing up so Iate?
I Iooked at the cIock. It was 4:30.

What's this? Oh, my gosh. This is the story.

You did the whoIe thing.

I feIt bad 'cause you got stuck,
so I rearranged a coupIe of things.

I ironed out some of the rough spots,
that's all.

Look, I went with the bunny. You were right.

The bunny's good. The bunny's cIassic.
Kids Iove the bunny.

-Yeah. Okay. Thanks.
-You're weIcome.

All right. I'm gonna grab some sIeep. Enjoy.

Winky?

He named the bunny Winky.

Hey, guess who I taIked to today.
Gerry AshIey.

-Who's that?
-That's my pubIisher friend.

-He's gonna Iook at the book tomorrow.
-Honey, it's not quite done yet.

What are you taIking about? I finished it.

Yeah, well, I mean, you know,
your version had some good stuff in it...

but it wasn't quite there yet, you know?

-You're rewriting me?
-No.

It was just minor, you know? Minor tweaks.

-You made it rhyme.
-Yeah. Kids Iove rhymes.

And it came really easy to me.

The bunny hopped here.
The bunny hopped there.

"The bunny hop-hopped
to the top of the square."

What?

Isn't that a IittIe cutesy?

Cutesy?

You're the one
that named your bunny Winky.

Hey, I didn't even want the bunny.
I went with the bunny for you, okay?

And as Iong as I'm stuck with a bunny,
Winky's a perfect name for a bunny.

-It's not better than CIive.
-CIive?

What, are you from Piccadilly?

"Hello, I'm CIive. I'm happy to be aIive."

First of all, that is the worst British accent
I have ever heard, all right?

Second of all, stay away from my story.

I saved your story. You had nothing.
I made it into something.

-Who asked you?
-You did.

No. I asked you to do it with me,
not for you to do it.

I'll tell you what I'm not doing.
I'm not showing CIive to Gerry AshIey.

Okay, fine. Just forget
about your big-shot pubIisher friend.

-Let's ask Ally which one she Iikes best.
-Fine. Wake her up.

No, we're not gonna wake her up.

We'll read it to her
over the next coupIe of days.

I'll read her CIive,
and you can read her Winky.

-Yeah, good. You're on. You man enough?
-Yes, I'm man enough.

Good. 'Cause CIive's going down.

And Winky was gIad to be home...

"even though she had never really Ieft."

The end.

-So, how do you Iike that story?
-It was good.

Yeah?

So, between that story and the one
that Mommy read you Iast night...

which one did you Iike better?

-Better?
-Yeah, between CIive and Winky?

-Winky.
-Yeah? Why?

-Winky was funny.
-How about that?

And you Iike Winky the best?

I Iove you.

-And you Iike the name Winky, right?
-Yes.

-Hey.
-You done aIready?

-Yeah.
-Yeah? Well, is there a decision?

Yeah.

Well?

She picked yours.

-Really?
-Yeah. CIive. CIive all the way.

-No kidding.
-Yep.

-She Iiked mine better?
-Yep.

Why are you Iying to me?

-What?
-You're Iying to me.

-You got that from "yep"?
-No. I Iistened outside of Ally's door.

-Why wouId you do that?
-Because I knew you wouId Iie to me.

-Yeah, I Iied, but the nice way.
-I don't need you to protect my feeIings.

Don't you think I can handIe it
that I write a chiIdren's story...

-and my own daughter doesn't Iike it?
-Of course you can.

Yeah. First, you win, then you rob me
of the opportunity to Iose with dignity.

I think you Iost that
when you Iistened at the door.

Fine, Ray. You know, I try to do something
to make me feeI better about myseIf...

and I end up making you feeI better
about yourseIf.

Thank you.

Look. Come on.
You shouId feeI better about yourseIf.

You came up with the whoIe idea
for the story.

I just found a way to make it work, that's all.

Great, so I'm just the idea person.
You're the guy that can make it all happen.

Sometimes I'm just the idea person. Right?
Like with raising the kids.

I think they shouId eat.
You know how to feed them. Right?

I think they shouIdn't be naked.
You know what to do there, too. Right?

If it was up to me, they'd be eating cereaI
every day and wearing the boxes.

So, great. I'm a good mother. I knew that.

I wanted to do something eIse.

You did.

You wanted to write a chiIdren's book,
and you wrote one.

-Yeah, the Ioser one.
-No. There's no Iosing.

There wouIdn't be this stupid competition
if you hadn't asked me for heIp.

You know what ruined it for you? Me.

-That's true.
-Yeah. It is.

You couId have done this on your own.
And I think I remember asking you...

not to incIude me five days ago, remember?

-When you didn't hate me?
-Yeah, that's true, too.

So I guess
if I want to get something accompIished...

I shouId just stay away from you.

-There you go.
-Yeah.

'Cause, Iike, what was I thinking,
asking you to heIp me?

-That's exactIy right.
-Yeah. Because I do Iike my story better.

-You shouId. It's good.
-Yeah, but who cares what you think?

Ally probabIy onIy Iiked your story better
because it's the Iast one that she heard.

-I don't know about that.
-Come on.

I mean, you were really selling your version.

You were, Iike,
making all the goofy faces, weren't you?

-You were outside the door.
-And were you hopping Iike a bunny, too?

It served the story.

Winky doesn't hop Iike a drunk.

Hello, CIive.

Spot of ice cream?

You know, that's not an accent, Ray.
That's a speech impediment.

Hey, Raymond. Thought I'd better warn you.

Dad's on his way over
with his favorite portrait.

-Oh, no. Mom?
-Hey, everybody.

So you don't think your oId man's a painter?

-Dad.
-Look at this.

The greatest bullfighter of all time.
EI Cordobes.

I found him on the back of a king of spades.

-That's really good, Frank.
-Yeah.

And here's one of your mother.