Everybody Loves Raymond (1996–2005): Season 2, Episode 9 - The Gift - full transcript
Ray gets Frank a fish tank for his 65th birthday.
-Hey.
-Hey, where have you been?
Thought I'd get a birthday card
for my father.
You got, like, six cards here.
I'm only getting him a card.
So I got to get him a good one.
Help me pick one out here.
These are all funny ones.
Yeah, you get him a funny card,
he laughs at the card.
You get him a sentimental one,
he laughs at you.
Hey, here's a knee-slapper.
It's a guy walking over a hill. Get it?
Over the hill!
He's old, your father.
Look at this one. This one's funny.
On the front, it looks like big breasts.
Not so fast. Open it up.
The butt of a chimpanzee.
My father wins either way.
They're all so good.
Why don't you just pick one?
You know what? It's got to be this one.
The baby crying with a bowl of spaghetti
dumped on his head.
That'll be funny to your father?
He laughed when he did it to me.
Hi, I'm Ray, and I live here in Long Island
with my wife, Debra...
my 6-year-oId daughter
and twin 2-year-oId boys.
-Me
-My parents...
Live across the street. That's right.
And my brother lives with them.
Now, not every family
would defy gravity for you...
but mine would because--
Everybody loves Raymond.
Hey, you didn't....
Happy birthday!
Hey, you got me the candles
that don't blow out, again.
Yeah, like you don't love it.
-You want to cut the cake, Frank?
-Just a minute. Let me loosen up here.
No, don't unbuckle those.
Go put on your elastic pants.
-I don't want to.
-Go. Come on.
All right.
My house, my pants, my birthday.
Okay, let's get the presents.
What are you talking about?
You told me we weren't getting him
a present.
I thought he hates presents. Here. Hold this.
Robert, what's going on?
-We stopped getting him presents.
-This is his 65th birthday, Raymond.
You didn't get him a present?
I got him a card. A funny card.
So no present from you.
-The kids made stuff.
-But nothing from you.
No.
Dad, you coming down, or what?
Hurry up, knit something.
I'm going to stay with the kids
and help with their presents.
Sure. Attach yourself to them.
You all ready?
All right! Ice cream and cake time.
Actually, Dad, first we have
a little presentation.
Here. Happy birthday, Frank.
-Is this a gag?
-No. Some of us got you presents.
Bring them on!
-Ray, you want the card?
-Yeah. I want to put $20 in it.
-Give me $20.
-The envelope??s already sealed.
Damn!
A sweater.
-Didn't you buy me a sweater once already?
-But you didn't wear that one.
So why did you buy me another one?
It's a beautiful sweater, Marie.
I'm probably allergic to this.
See, Ma? I don't know why you keep trying.
You're going to have to return it like always.
Not this year. It's a finial sale item.
No refunds and no exchanges.
That's what her parents said
when we got married.
I do like the buttons.
Nice buttons.
Okay, Ma, cake! How about it? Let's go.
Wait. No. We got more presents.
Dad, I think you're really going to like
what I got you.
-The card. There's a card, too.
-Okay.
Hey! The little kid with the spaghetti
on his head.
Look at him.
-Remember when you did that to me?
-Yeah.
-He did it to me.
-He did it to me.
-He can't even reach your head.
-He did it with cereal.
-What are you talking about?
-Stop fighting!
He did it to you both.
-What the hell is this?
-The remote boat.
-A what?
-A remote boat. Look.
See? You put your remote controls
right here.
Then you can put your TV guide right here.
That way you can take it to any chair.
Maybe I'll go over here,
I'll go over there. Right?
And you have a special compartment
for your soda.
Holy crap.
-That is clever.
-Yeah. That's kind of great.
-Why didn't I invent that?
-Why? Dad, please.
It takes a team of technicians, designers,
and skilled craftsmen to produce this...
wood box.
What'd you get him, big shot?
It doesn't matter.
Just because it's my 65th birthday
doesn't mean...
I have to get a gift from everyone.
Look, I got you something.
Yeah.
-It just hasn't gotten here yet.
-I see.
So, when do you suppose it will arrive?
It's not that fruit-of-the-month thing
again, is it?
-No.
-That was the worst!
They're still coming!
We got grapefruit out the wazoo!
You promised you'd stop them.
You're still on the computer.
It's gonna take a couple of months.
Dear God!
So, what did you get me,
and how come it's not here yet?
Because I special-ordered it.
I ordered the remote boat from a catalog
and it got here on time.
I know. This is bull.
You order something for
somebody's birthday, it should be here by
the birthday
Tell me about it. I'm definitely going to call
somebody, 'cause this is total bull.
What the hell am I going to get
my dad now?
He's never liked anything
I've ever gotten him.
I thought I developed the perfect system.
I get him nothing.
He seemed to like that.
I got everybody to go along with it,
and all of a sudden he likes the remote boat.
It is his 65th birthday, Ray.
Come on, you're the shopper. Help me.
Why don't you take him to a ball game?
No. It's got to be something I ordered.
That much we know.
It's late because I ordered it.
Hey, if I got him the universal remote,
he wouldn??t need the remote boat.
Robert.
-What about the TV guide and the soda?
-Damn.
When I want to get my parents something,
I just think about what they like.
What does he like?
He likes the number three combo
at Wo Hop's.
-Pork fried rice and egg roll.
-Okay, so get him that.
Just light the egg roll and tell him
it's one of those hilarious trick candles.
He'll love it. Good night.
-Hey, you know what I'm thinking?
-Hey, what?
When we go to Wo Hop's, he always takes
a table by the tropical fish tank.
He likes that. Maybe I'll get him a fish tank.
Yeah.
You know, that's good.
That really is good, Ray.
Wait.
Would I have had to order an aquarium?
That's important. It has to fit in with my lie.
Maybe you special-ordered him a fish.
-Special fish.
-Yeah.
I like that.
-Good.
-Somebody, some scuba diver in Fiji...
is just combing the coral reefs
looking for Frank Barone's very special fish.
-That's it. That's our story.
-Good, Ray. Okay.
Now repeat it back to me.
Holy crap.
-??Holy crap.??
-It's beautiful, Raymond.
It's huge.
-They had smaller tanks, but I thought--
-Hey, Ally. Look at my fish.
Wow!
I'm going to call Lee and Stan.
They should come over and see this.
Hey, Dad, you know that Civil War special
is coming on.
-I got the boat.
-Who needs TV?
We got our own Discovery Channel
right here.
Ray, he Loves it.
??Ray, he Loves it.??
I Liked your gift, too, Robert.
Come on, Robert.
It's not a competition here.
Can we name them?
Yeah. Let's call these two Lee and Stan...
and that big one with its mouth open
we'll call Marie.
Hey, bubbele.
Hey, Ray. I got to hand it to you.
That aquarium is a huge hit.
-Yeah?
-Everybody loves it.
I mean, your mom
can't stop talking about it...
and the kids are over there
right now trying to pet the fish.
Your dad just sits there and stares at it.
He doesn't even come over here anymore.
It's a miracle.
Doesn't it feel good to give the perfect gift?
Yeah.
-Yeah, but--
-But what, Ray? There's no but here.
No. Don't you see? I've set a precedent now.
I got him a tropical fish tank.
Now every year I got to get him
something bigger and better.
No. Nobody says
you have to keep topping yourself.
Yes, you do. That's the way gifts are.
You have to.
You can't get him an aquarium one year
and the next year, Isotoners.
Your dad loves the gift.
Just enjoy the moment.
I've had no training for that.
The good news is you don't have to worry
about this for a year.
You know nothing about worry.
It's not that I don't have to worry for a year.
It's that I have a year to worry.
This is a nice picture of a fish, Michael.
Do you see this, Raymond?
Hey, yeah, that's nice.
The other night we ate dinner in here
just so we could watch the fish?
-No kidding?
-Not tonight, though.
We're having baked salmon.
Yeah, that's great. All right, Ally. Come on.
Let's go. It's time for dinner.
Where's Stan?
I think he's hiding in the treasure chest.
He's too big for the treasure chest.
No. I think he goes there sometimes...
just to get away from the other fish.
He's not in the damn treasure chest.
He's dead.
-What?
-That's what fish do. They die!
-I'll replace him for you.
-I don't want him replaced!
Do me a favor, Ray!
Don't get me any more presents!
Okay, one fish died.
Lot of them lived.
Ray, Ally was upset
about Stan ??the Fish,?? too...
but she managed to get to sleep.
Maybe he had some weird bond
with that fish.
You know? Like Flipper.
All right.
I don't think it was the particular fish, Ray.
I think it was more of a symbolic thing.
You mean, like....
What do you mean?
It's his 65th birthday...
and then, on top of that, Stan dies.
You know, it's bound to bring up
the question of his own mortality.
Okay, but it was Stan, ??the Fish.??
Yes, Ray, that's the symbolic part!
-I don't think that's it.
-Why not?
My father isn't that deep.
He doesn't make those connections.
He thinks the moral
of the Adam and Eve story is:
??Don't eat when you're naked.??
No, Ray. I think that's definitely it...
and I think that your father
is hiding his feelings. It's normal.
You know, he's afraid of dying,
and then you...
give him the gift of death.
-Hi.
-Hi, Raymond. You want some breakfast?
No. I want to talk to Dad.
-Hey, where's the TV?
-Your father moved it into the kitchen.
-The kitchen?
-Yeah.
Didn't want to be in the same room
with the fish.
You never know
when another one of them is going to go....
-So he's still upset.
-He should be this upset when I die.
Thanks, Ma. That's perfect.
A television for the kitchen.
That's what I should have got him. Damn.
Can you turn off the television
for a second? I want to talk to you.
-I can hear you.
-Please?
Okay....
-See, the aquarium--
-I don't want to talk about that.
I know.
Look, it was a bad gift to give you,
and I want to apologize.
Okay, so we done?
No. See, I think maybe I understand
why you're so upset about the dead fish.
I don't give a flying Wallenda (a lengendary high wire family)
about a dead fish.
Yeah, I know.
I know, but I think maybe the fish
was a symbol.
The fish dying, I think maybe,
made you think about....
Not that it's going to happen anytime soon.
I mean, everybody thinks about this.
I think about it, too.
What in sweet hell are you talking about?
Look, I didn't mean for the gift to upset you.
Nice job!
When that fish died, I went to Al's Aquarium
to see if they'd replace it.
-I told you I'd replace it.
-I don't want you to replace it, okay?
Okay, I understand.
That's more of the symbol thing.
You don't want me to replace the fish
because you don't want me to replace you...
when you...you know?
When you're dead.
When I'm dead?
What are you bringing that up for?
I don't want you to replace the fish
because I found out it costs $40!
Who the hell buys a $40 fish?
Salmon costs $13.95 a pound,
and you can eat it!
That's what you're mad at ?
Yeah. Then I find out the whole fish tank
costs $600!
Where do you get off
spending that kind of money?
-How's that supposed to make me feel?
-Happy?
Jeez aloo! $600 on a box of water!
Come on, Dad.
I wanted to do something nice!
Nice? That's more than I paid
for my first car!
Next year, why don't you get me
a coffee mug that says:
??I make more than you???
And if I want a fish tank,
I'll get my own damn fish tank!
I know you can, Dad,
but then it wouldn??t be a gift.
You know what's a nice gift? I'll tell you.
One of those magnetic coin holders
for your car.
$1 .50 at any car wash!
That's a nice thing for a son to give a father!
Dad, come on, look, I make a good living.
I can afford to buy you this.
I know! Okay? I know!
How would you feel if little Geoffrey
went out...
and got you some big, expensive thing?
I'd wonder why Michael
didn't get me something.
But then, I would feel proud. I'd feel proud
that one of my boys could do that.
-You think that's how you'd feel!
-No, I would. I would feel proud.
So you don't feel proud of me.
No. There's some of that.
But then there's me.
I still have to feel about me.
Come on, Dad. What? You did all right.
Didn't you do better than your father?
Some contest.
Look, if it makes you feel any better...
I wouldn??t be where I am without you.
Yeah.
So, sorry for the gift.
It's all right. At least you tried.
So you weren't upset about death at all ?
Not until you mentioned it.
Thanks, though.
Boy, Debra was way off on this one.
This is a great tank.
I've been wanting to put another one
in the restaurant.
-Thanks a lot, Ray.
-Nice to be appreciated.
At Least you still have
the good old remote boat. Where is it?
I needed a coffin for Stan.
-You buried Stan in the remote boat?
-Ally wanted a ceremony.
You don't flush a $40 fish down the toilet.
Wo Hop, wait. Take some fruit!
-Hey, where have you been?
Thought I'd get a birthday card
for my father.
You got, like, six cards here.
I'm only getting him a card.
So I got to get him a good one.
Help me pick one out here.
These are all funny ones.
Yeah, you get him a funny card,
he laughs at the card.
You get him a sentimental one,
he laughs at you.
Hey, here's a knee-slapper.
It's a guy walking over a hill. Get it?
Over the hill!
He's old, your father.
Look at this one. This one's funny.
On the front, it looks like big breasts.
Not so fast. Open it up.
The butt of a chimpanzee.
My father wins either way.
They're all so good.
Why don't you just pick one?
You know what? It's got to be this one.
The baby crying with a bowl of spaghetti
dumped on his head.
That'll be funny to your father?
He laughed when he did it to me.
Hi, I'm Ray, and I live here in Long Island
with my wife, Debra...
my 6-year-oId daughter
and twin 2-year-oId boys.
-Me
-My parents...
Live across the street. That's right.
And my brother lives with them.
Now, not every family
would defy gravity for you...
but mine would because--
Everybody loves Raymond.
Hey, you didn't....
Happy birthday!
Hey, you got me the candles
that don't blow out, again.
Yeah, like you don't love it.
-You want to cut the cake, Frank?
-Just a minute. Let me loosen up here.
No, don't unbuckle those.
Go put on your elastic pants.
-I don't want to.
-Go. Come on.
All right.
My house, my pants, my birthday.
Okay, let's get the presents.
What are you talking about?
You told me we weren't getting him
a present.
I thought he hates presents. Here. Hold this.
Robert, what's going on?
-We stopped getting him presents.
-This is his 65th birthday, Raymond.
You didn't get him a present?
I got him a card. A funny card.
So no present from you.
-The kids made stuff.
-But nothing from you.
No.
Dad, you coming down, or what?
Hurry up, knit something.
I'm going to stay with the kids
and help with their presents.
Sure. Attach yourself to them.
You all ready?
All right! Ice cream and cake time.
Actually, Dad, first we have
a little presentation.
Here. Happy birthday, Frank.
-Is this a gag?
-No. Some of us got you presents.
Bring them on!
-Ray, you want the card?
-Yeah. I want to put $20 in it.
-Give me $20.
-The envelope??s already sealed.
Damn!
A sweater.
-Didn't you buy me a sweater once already?
-But you didn't wear that one.
So why did you buy me another one?
It's a beautiful sweater, Marie.
I'm probably allergic to this.
See, Ma? I don't know why you keep trying.
You're going to have to return it like always.
Not this year. It's a finial sale item.
No refunds and no exchanges.
That's what her parents said
when we got married.
I do like the buttons.
Nice buttons.
Okay, Ma, cake! How about it? Let's go.
Wait. No. We got more presents.
Dad, I think you're really going to like
what I got you.
-The card. There's a card, too.
-Okay.
Hey! The little kid with the spaghetti
on his head.
Look at him.
-Remember when you did that to me?
-Yeah.
-He did it to me.
-He did it to me.
-He can't even reach your head.
-He did it with cereal.
-What are you talking about?
-Stop fighting!
He did it to you both.
-What the hell is this?
-The remote boat.
-A what?
-A remote boat. Look.
See? You put your remote controls
right here.
Then you can put your TV guide right here.
That way you can take it to any chair.
Maybe I'll go over here,
I'll go over there. Right?
And you have a special compartment
for your soda.
Holy crap.
-That is clever.
-Yeah. That's kind of great.
-Why didn't I invent that?
-Why? Dad, please.
It takes a team of technicians, designers,
and skilled craftsmen to produce this...
wood box.
What'd you get him, big shot?
It doesn't matter.
Just because it's my 65th birthday
doesn't mean...
I have to get a gift from everyone.
Look, I got you something.
Yeah.
-It just hasn't gotten here yet.
-I see.
So, when do you suppose it will arrive?
It's not that fruit-of-the-month thing
again, is it?
-No.
-That was the worst!
They're still coming!
We got grapefruit out the wazoo!
You promised you'd stop them.
You're still on the computer.
It's gonna take a couple of months.
Dear God!
So, what did you get me,
and how come it's not here yet?
Because I special-ordered it.
I ordered the remote boat from a catalog
and it got here on time.
I know. This is bull.
You order something for
somebody's birthday, it should be here by
the birthday
Tell me about it. I'm definitely going to call
somebody, 'cause this is total bull.
What the hell am I going to get
my dad now?
He's never liked anything
I've ever gotten him.
I thought I developed the perfect system.
I get him nothing.
He seemed to like that.
I got everybody to go along with it,
and all of a sudden he likes the remote boat.
It is his 65th birthday, Ray.
Come on, you're the shopper. Help me.
Why don't you take him to a ball game?
No. It's got to be something I ordered.
That much we know.
It's late because I ordered it.
Hey, if I got him the universal remote,
he wouldn??t need the remote boat.
Robert.
-What about the TV guide and the soda?
-Damn.
When I want to get my parents something,
I just think about what they like.
What does he like?
He likes the number three combo
at Wo Hop's.
-Pork fried rice and egg roll.
-Okay, so get him that.
Just light the egg roll and tell him
it's one of those hilarious trick candles.
He'll love it. Good night.
-Hey, you know what I'm thinking?
-Hey, what?
When we go to Wo Hop's, he always takes
a table by the tropical fish tank.
He likes that. Maybe I'll get him a fish tank.
Yeah.
You know, that's good.
That really is good, Ray.
Wait.
Would I have had to order an aquarium?
That's important. It has to fit in with my lie.
Maybe you special-ordered him a fish.
-Special fish.
-Yeah.
I like that.
-Good.
-Somebody, some scuba diver in Fiji...
is just combing the coral reefs
looking for Frank Barone's very special fish.
-That's it. That's our story.
-Good, Ray. Okay.
Now repeat it back to me.
Holy crap.
-??Holy crap.??
-It's beautiful, Raymond.
It's huge.
-They had smaller tanks, but I thought--
-Hey, Ally. Look at my fish.
Wow!
I'm going to call Lee and Stan.
They should come over and see this.
Hey, Dad, you know that Civil War special
is coming on.
-I got the boat.
-Who needs TV?
We got our own Discovery Channel
right here.
Ray, he Loves it.
??Ray, he Loves it.??
I Liked your gift, too, Robert.
Come on, Robert.
It's not a competition here.
Can we name them?
Yeah. Let's call these two Lee and Stan...
and that big one with its mouth open
we'll call Marie.
Hey, bubbele.
Hey, Ray. I got to hand it to you.
That aquarium is a huge hit.
-Yeah?
-Everybody loves it.
I mean, your mom
can't stop talking about it...
and the kids are over there
right now trying to pet the fish.
Your dad just sits there and stares at it.
He doesn't even come over here anymore.
It's a miracle.
Doesn't it feel good to give the perfect gift?
Yeah.
-Yeah, but--
-But what, Ray? There's no but here.
No. Don't you see? I've set a precedent now.
I got him a tropical fish tank.
Now every year I got to get him
something bigger and better.
No. Nobody says
you have to keep topping yourself.
Yes, you do. That's the way gifts are.
You have to.
You can't get him an aquarium one year
and the next year, Isotoners.
Your dad loves the gift.
Just enjoy the moment.
I've had no training for that.
The good news is you don't have to worry
about this for a year.
You know nothing about worry.
It's not that I don't have to worry for a year.
It's that I have a year to worry.
This is a nice picture of a fish, Michael.
Do you see this, Raymond?
Hey, yeah, that's nice.
The other night we ate dinner in here
just so we could watch the fish?
-No kidding?
-Not tonight, though.
We're having baked salmon.
Yeah, that's great. All right, Ally. Come on.
Let's go. It's time for dinner.
Where's Stan?
I think he's hiding in the treasure chest.
He's too big for the treasure chest.
No. I think he goes there sometimes...
just to get away from the other fish.
He's not in the damn treasure chest.
He's dead.
-What?
-That's what fish do. They die!
-I'll replace him for you.
-I don't want him replaced!
Do me a favor, Ray!
Don't get me any more presents!
Okay, one fish died.
Lot of them lived.
Ray, Ally was upset
about Stan ??the Fish,?? too...
but she managed to get to sleep.
Maybe he had some weird bond
with that fish.
You know? Like Flipper.
All right.
I don't think it was the particular fish, Ray.
I think it was more of a symbolic thing.
You mean, like....
What do you mean?
It's his 65th birthday...
and then, on top of that, Stan dies.
You know, it's bound to bring up
the question of his own mortality.
Okay, but it was Stan, ??the Fish.??
Yes, Ray, that's the symbolic part!
-I don't think that's it.
-Why not?
My father isn't that deep.
He doesn't make those connections.
He thinks the moral
of the Adam and Eve story is:
??Don't eat when you're naked.??
No, Ray. I think that's definitely it...
and I think that your father
is hiding his feelings. It's normal.
You know, he's afraid of dying,
and then you...
give him the gift of death.
-Hi.
-Hi, Raymond. You want some breakfast?
No. I want to talk to Dad.
-Hey, where's the TV?
-Your father moved it into the kitchen.
-The kitchen?
-Yeah.
Didn't want to be in the same room
with the fish.
You never know
when another one of them is going to go....
-So he's still upset.
-He should be this upset when I die.
Thanks, Ma. That's perfect.
A television for the kitchen.
That's what I should have got him. Damn.
Can you turn off the television
for a second? I want to talk to you.
-I can hear you.
-Please?
Okay....
-See, the aquarium--
-I don't want to talk about that.
I know.
Look, it was a bad gift to give you,
and I want to apologize.
Okay, so we done?
No. See, I think maybe I understand
why you're so upset about the dead fish.
I don't give a flying Wallenda (a lengendary high wire family)
about a dead fish.
Yeah, I know.
I know, but I think maybe the fish
was a symbol.
The fish dying, I think maybe,
made you think about....
Not that it's going to happen anytime soon.
I mean, everybody thinks about this.
I think about it, too.
What in sweet hell are you talking about?
Look, I didn't mean for the gift to upset you.
Nice job!
When that fish died, I went to Al's Aquarium
to see if they'd replace it.
-I told you I'd replace it.
-I don't want you to replace it, okay?
Okay, I understand.
That's more of the symbol thing.
You don't want me to replace the fish
because you don't want me to replace you...
when you...you know?
When you're dead.
When I'm dead?
What are you bringing that up for?
I don't want you to replace the fish
because I found out it costs $40!
Who the hell buys a $40 fish?
Salmon costs $13.95 a pound,
and you can eat it!
That's what you're mad at ?
Yeah. Then I find out the whole fish tank
costs $600!
Where do you get off
spending that kind of money?
-How's that supposed to make me feel?
-Happy?
Jeez aloo! $600 on a box of water!
Come on, Dad.
I wanted to do something nice!
Nice? That's more than I paid
for my first car!
Next year, why don't you get me
a coffee mug that says:
??I make more than you???
And if I want a fish tank,
I'll get my own damn fish tank!
I know you can, Dad,
but then it wouldn??t be a gift.
You know what's a nice gift? I'll tell you.
One of those magnetic coin holders
for your car.
$1 .50 at any car wash!
That's a nice thing for a son to give a father!
Dad, come on, look, I make a good living.
I can afford to buy you this.
I know! Okay? I know!
How would you feel if little Geoffrey
went out...
and got you some big, expensive thing?
I'd wonder why Michael
didn't get me something.
But then, I would feel proud. I'd feel proud
that one of my boys could do that.
-You think that's how you'd feel!
-No, I would. I would feel proud.
So you don't feel proud of me.
No. There's some of that.
But then there's me.
I still have to feel about me.
Come on, Dad. What? You did all right.
Didn't you do better than your father?
Some contest.
Look, if it makes you feel any better...
I wouldn??t be where I am without you.
Yeah.
So, sorry for the gift.
It's all right. At least you tried.
So you weren't upset about death at all ?
Not until you mentioned it.
Thanks, though.
Boy, Debra was way off on this one.
This is a great tank.
I've been wanting to put another one
in the restaurant.
-Thanks a lot, Ray.
-Nice to be appreciated.
At Least you still have
the good old remote boat. Where is it?
I needed a coffin for Stan.
-You buried Stan in the remote boat?
-Ally wanted a ceremony.
You don't flush a $40 fish down the toilet.
Wo Hop, wait. Take some fruit!